- In "Breaking Boyd" when the family is discussing Boyd's appointment with the school psychiatrist:
Vanessa: What exactly needs to be improved about Boyd?
Kristin: He doesn't listen, he talks out of turn, he's rebellious, he runs around like crazy at recess-
Mike: - Wait a minute, wait a minute. She's right. I've heard about this. What is it? What's it called? Oh, yeah. Being a boy.
- From "Stud Muffin" when Mike finds out Muffin is male:
Mike: It's mostly fluff down there. Kind of like an early Penthouse Magazine.
Chuck: Yeah, well, look close. They're a lot tinier on the white ones.
- Whenever Mike refers to Eve as his son rather than his daughter.
Mike: That's my boy.
Eve: Still a girl, Dad.
Mike: Just let me have this.
- After Kristin goes on her rant about Eve being referred to as the "female kicker", she decides to write a letter to the sexist author… only to find out that the author is a woman.
- From "College Girl", Mike and Chuck try to get Ryan to explain why he doesn't want Kristin to move to Denver's Five Points neighborhood (a predominantly African-American area):
Ryan: I'm just not sure it's the safest place for her to live.
Chuck: Well, I never have a problem there.
Ryan: (trying to find the right words) You know what I'm saying. There are a few rough characters.
Chuck: I think I know what he means, Mike. There are some colorful characters.
Mike: (nods in agreement)
- Chuck's hilarious observation of the Baxter family in "Changing Light Bulbs":
Chuck: You got one kid shacking up, another with a baby daddy, and a third playing football. Your family’s blacker than mine, Baxter!
- In "Thanksgiving" Ryan secretly placed what he calls a "significant wager" on the Detroit Lions game and lost which infuriates Kristin. However, Eve informs them that Ryan actually won since the Lions were able to beat the spread despite losing the game, which causes the couple to become ecstatic. Then when Ryan reveals how much he actually bet and won, $20, he continues to celebrate while Kristin and Eve stare at him in disbelief.
- From Elfie:
(While at Ryan and Kristin's apartment)
Vanessa: Honey, where's your [Christmas] tree?
Ryan: Uh, in the forest, where it belongs. There's a word for chopping down a perfectly healthy tree: murder.
Mike: (points at their wooden coffee table) So, what's the word for this wooden table here? Suicide?
- When Ryan gives everyone his "Christmas" cookies:
Mandy: These cookies must be from last Christmas, 'cause they're as hard as a rock.
Ryan: Actually, Mandy, those are called "Pepparkakors". Swedes bake them to celebrate the winter solstice. And, Vanessa, you're enjoying a sesame-seed Kwanzaa cookie, popular among African-Americans.
Eve: Are you sure? 'Cause I watch a lot of rap videos. They're never eating these on a yacht.
- From "Mike Hires Chuck", when Vanessa tries acting like a college aged student while they're all studying in the living room:
Eve: I really hope my college experience isn't this sad.
Mandy: Me too.
Kristin: Uh, this is your college experience.
Mandy:Okay. Now I'm sad.