- This Brick Joke from "High Expectations":
Vanessa: (About the Larabees) They could think that someone egged their car out of racism.
I don't think The Klan
does a lot of work with eggs.
(later in the episode)
Mike: Listen, my wife is a lovely woman and the reason that she invited you here is 'cause she felt guilty that you might think that the egging was racially motivated.
(Mike laughs and points to Vanessa in an "I told you so" manner)
- In "Breaking Boyd" when the family is discussing Boyd's appointment with the school psychiatrist:
Vanessa: What exactly needs to be improved about Boyd?
Kristin: He doesn't listen, he talks out of turn, he's rebellious, he runs around like crazy at recess-
Mike: - Wait a minute, wait a minute. She's right. I've heard about this. What is it? What's it called? Oh, yeah. Being a boy.
- From "Stud Muffin" when Mike finds out Muffin is male:
Mike: It's mostly fluff down there. Kind of like an early Penthouse Magazine.
Chuck: Yeah, well, look close. They're a lot tinier on the white ones.
- Whenever Mike refers to Eve as his son rather than his daughter.
Mike: That's my boy.
Eve: Still a girl, Dad.
Mike: Just let me have this.
- After Kristin goes on her rant about Eve being referred to as the "female kicker", she decides to write a letter to the sexist author… only to find out that the author is a woman.
- From "College Girl", Mike and Chuck try to get Ryan to explain why he doesn't want Kristin to move to Denver's Five Points neighborhood (a predominantly African-American area):
Ryan: I'm just not sure it's the safest place for her to live.
Chuck: Well, I never have a problem there.
Ryan: (trying to find the right words) You know what I'm saying. There are a few rough characters.
Chuck: I think I know what he means, Mike. There are some colorful characters.
Mike: (nods in agreement)
- Chuck's hilarious observation of the Baxter family in "Changing Light Bulbs":
Chuck: You got one kid shacking up, another with a baby daddy, and a third playing football. Your family’s blacker than mine, Baxter!
- In "Thanksgiving" Ryan secretly placed what he calls a "significant wager" on the Detroit Lions game and lost which infuriates Kristin. However, Eve informs them that Ryan actually won since the Lions were able to beat the spread despite losing the game, which causes the couple to become ecstatic. Then when Ryan reveals how much he actually bet and won, $20, he continues to celebrate while Kristin and Eve stare at him in disbelief.
- From Elfie:
(While at Ryan and Kristin's apartment)
Vanessa: Honey, where's your [Christmas] tree?
Ryan: Uh, in the forest, where it belongs. There's a word for chopping down a perfectly healthy tree: murder.
Mike: (points at their wooden coffee table) So, what's the word for this wooden table here? Suicide?
- When Ryan gives everyone his "Christmas" cookies:
Mandy: These cookies must be from last Christmas, 'cause they're as hard as a rock.
Ryan: Actually, Mandy, those are called "Pepparkakors". Swedes bake them to celebrate the winter solstice. And, Vanessa, you're enjoying a sesame-seed Kwanzaa cookie, popular among African-Americans.
Eve: Are you sure? 'Cause I watch a lot of rap videos. They're never eating these on a yacht.
- From "Mike Hires Chuck", when Vanessa tries acting like a college aged student while they're all studying in the living room:
Eve: I really hope my college experience isn't this sad.
Mandy: Me too.
Kristin: Uh, this is your college experience.
Mandy: Okay. Now I'm sad.
- In "Eve's Breakup", Vanessa, Kristin, and Mandy are worried about Eve's blasé attitude towards her breakup with her boyfriend and plan to try to get her to open up by spending the day with her going out for tea, shopping for Kristin's wedding dress, etc. Eve overhears them talking about this from the living room and begs Mike to take her somewhere else.
- In "Kyle's Friend" when Eve lampshades Vanessa's tendency to say something that comes out wrong then dig herself deeper.
Eve: (to Morgan) You should see her around black people.
- From "Restaurant Opening":
Ed: This dry run is a great idea.
Mike: Yeah. You get to work out all your screw ups like you did with your first kid.
Mike: And you see how well Eve's turned out.
- The entire barbecue scene in "Vanessa Fixes Up Eve"
- When Ryan's dad begins being honest with him:
Victor: Do you remember when you were 10 and I told you I brought your puppy to a farm?
Ryan: Yeah, I figured that one out, all right? Buster died. It's fine.
Victor: No. I gave him to your half-sister. Oh, that's another thing you have a half-sister. Aunt Marie's daughter.
Ryan: Tammy my cousin?!
Victor: Not anymore. Although she continues to be a wonderful mother to Buster.
- When Vanessa shows Mike their new bedroom in "The Wolf Returns":
Vanessa: I know it's a little different, but I just think it's so pretty this way.
Mike: That's the same argument you used for Caitlyn Jenner.
- From "Free Range Parents":
Mike: Jeffrey's mom is now face down in the asphalt.
Chuck: A nice, middle aged, white lady. You don't see that everyday.
- After the whole GPS fiasco:
Ryan: I am such an idiot. (long pause)
Mike: If you're waiting for me to disagree, it's gonna be a long night.
- In "Ping-pong", Vanessa invites Chuck over toshow Eve how much it means to people when their identity group is elected. It blows up right in her face in a Moment of Awesome.
Eve: What my mom is trying to say is that you must have been happy because a black guy won. See?
Chuck: Oh! No. I was happy because a smart guy won.
Vanessa: A smart, bla—frican American.
Chuck: A smart American with smart policies.
Vanessa: But Chuck, you might have voted for him even if you didn't agree with his positions, right?
Chuck: Why would I do that?! Vote for someone just because we had something in common without taking into account their positions? That's ridiculous!
- Kyle's costume in "Halloween": Ed.
- Near the end of the episode, Vanessa asks Eve to refill the candy bowl for the trick or treaters. It turns out that the last bag she used was candy from Bud's shop that was laced with marijuana. Everyone freaks out and Vanessa and Carol run out to the streets to try to take the candy back from the kids. This eventually leads to the police coming and arresting Mike and Chuck but then it turns out it was all a prank the men (and Eve) planned.
- In "Dad Hat" when Mandy gives Kyle his cell phone after leaving it at her house and Kyle sees that he has eight text messages from her:
Kyle: "Goodnight, Kyle." "I said goodnight, Kyle." "Where are you Kyle?" "Are you with that girl who lives across the hall?" "If you're not with that girl text me." "I knew it! You bastard!" "Oops, I just found your phone." "LOL I love you." Wow that was the worst fight we've ever had.
- From "The Gratitude List":
Mike: Maybe you guys could watch a movie. She used to love to do that when you were little.
Okay, anything but Mamma Mia!
though. She sings along, Dad.
Mike: You didn't have to go see it in the theater with her. She started singing "Dancing Queen." I went to get popcorn. I never came back.
Vanessa: Eve told me how much she appreciated the wonderful dinner I made, and then she asked if I wanted to watch a movie with her.
Mike: Great, Mamma Mia!?
Vanessa: Yeah. I wanted that one, but Eve told me she just saw it.
- After they find out Mandy lied about her Thanksgiving plans:
Mike: I say we look for the positive in this.
Vanessa: The positive? Eve tells me that the Gratitude List is goofy. Mandy lies to get out of eating with us. If it wasn't for our daughter that got pregnant in high school, I would say we failed as parents.
- The "improvements" Eve and Mandy make to the family Christmas newsletter in "Gift of the Wise" which include Vanessa joining a cult, Mike becoming a member of a biker gang , and Kristin winning the most beads at Mardi Gras.
- From "Polar Run":
Eve: How did this stupid rivalry even get started?
Vanessa: Well, your dad and I had some of our alumni friends over one year to watch the Michigan/Ohio State football game.
Mike: Ohio State crowd came over, and they were amazed we had one of those talking picture boxes.
Vanessa: Oh and Michigan actually won that year so you know it was a long time ago.
- Later on during the negotiations:
Mandy: Mom, hi. Hey. Uh, just got out of a meeting with dad. We wrapped our negotiation, and, um I have some bad news. He matched your offer.
- Mike and Joe have an argument over Joe not using an iPad to take pictures and email repair reports. Apparently Joe thinks taking a picture with a film camera, taking the film to the drugstore to get developed, coming back to the store, and writing out the full report in pen is easier.
- Mike then tells Eve to teach Joe how to do it.
Joe: Don't make the kid do that. Wouldn't you rather be at the roller rink or maybe at the malt shop?
- When Mike and Kyle are talking after the engagement ring mix up:
Kyle: I would never ask Mandy to marry me without getting your permission first.
Mike: Damn right!
- Then when Kyle actually proposes to Mandy:
Kyle: Mandy Baxter... Oh, shoot. Hang on. I got to ask your dad something.
Mike: (from the kitchen, waving him off) No, no, no, no, no. I'm good. Vanessa's good. We're all good in here.
Ed: Kyle tells me you saw the ring. (Clears throat)
Mike: So you know about that?
Ed: S-should I take your silence on the subject as disapproval?
Mike: No, you know, I'm just conflicted. At the end of the day, when two people are meant to be together, that's really what's important, right?
Ed: Well, of course. So what's ... what's the objection? Or is it because of how much you dislike the bride-to-be?
Mike: She's not my favorite. But come on. I... I don't "dislike" her.
Ed: Well, I'm gonna tell her that. Maybe it'll stop her from taking shots at you behind your back.
Mike: How much time are you two spending together?
Ed:. She's a special lady, Mike, and I... I want her to be happy.
Mike: Me too. I just hope she's okay with somebody that doesn't have a lot of ambition.
Ed: Excuse me? Excu... is that a joke?
Mike: No, it's not a jo... walking around that store, man, with a big, goofy grin on your face doesn't make you successful.
Ed: Well, it does if you own the store!
Mike: (laughs) Yeah. Right. Not a shot in hell of Kyle ever owning the store!
Ed: Why are you talking about Kyle?
Mike: Who are you talking about?
Ed: Me! I'm getting married to Wendi... If Kyle ever shows up with the ring.
Vanessa: (walks in) Thought you two would be singing by now.
Mike: We-we got a little problem. The ring was Ed's. He's giving it to Wendi.
Vanessa: Uh-oh. This is a horrible mistake.
Ed: Maybe, but I'm still gonna ask her to marry me.
- Eve putting on the "bullied younger sister" act to get Kyle to make Mandy stop kicking her out of the basement:
Eve: (with the inflection of a five year old) I know she's all sweet around you *sniff*, but she's a monster to me.
- Throughout the entirety of "Eve's band", Mike keeps asking the band members who moved his Impala out of the garage so they could rehearse there. It turns out it was actually Chuck who did it so the band would stop rehearsing at his house.
- Mike's reaction after hearing the band play for the first time:
Mike: I think they've done the impossible. I'd rather listen to Hillary.
- When Mike shows off his extensive knowledge of The Battle of the Bulge to Vanessa and Helen Potts:
Vanessa: I will give you $500 if you can tell me when our anniversary is.
Mike: (to Helen) She's a public-school teacher. She doesn't have $500.
- In "Tattoo" when Ryan fails at learning how to camp from Kyle:
Ed: Camping's not for everyone.
Kyle: Especially teenagers in horror movies. They always think their friends are playing a joke on them, but they never are. "Stop it, Craig. You're being weird!" Craig is not being weird. Craig is dead.
- Eve learning how to talk like a liberal:
Eve: Hooray for taxes! Give me free stuff! White men suck! Rachel Maddow is my hero!