Funny / Knights of the Old Republic

Per wiki policy, Spoilers Off applies here and all spoilers are unmarked. You Have Been Warned.

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HK-47Everything HK-47 says, to be honest. But, lets try to get the good ones.

• The failed repair attempts.
  "...no, no! What are you doing, Master! That is my motor core! Stop! AAAAH!"
  "...err, you've shorted out something, master, but it has nothing to do with my memory. OW! I am poking my own eye sockets! OW! STOP!"
  "Aagh! What are you doing?! REMOVE THE ARC WRENCH! REMOVE THE ARC WRENCH! ...Medic!"
  "But I need those circuits master! Please, master, do not destroy them in your frustration! Calm yourself, I implore you!"
  "No, that is not it, Master. No, that is not it, either. (sigh) That is a hinge, Master."
  "No, no, no! This is no good, Master! You have nearly detonated my thermal core three times in a matter of minutes!"
  • And after each session:
    Supplication: Perhaps it would be best if you desisted your efforts for the moment, meatb... I mean Master. This seems to be going nowhere.
• Having to state the tone of your next sentence doesn't really help when you're trying to be subtle.
  HK-47: Veiled Threat: If you do that I cannot be held accountable for your subsequent medical condition.
  Player: Did you just say "veiled threat"?
  HK-47: Clarification: Of course not, master, you must have misheard me.
• HK's hatred toward the Ithorian shopkeeper you buy him from, especially if you're passive about his threats.
  "Did you hear that meatbag? I WILL BE BACK!"
• "Expletive: Damn it, master, I am an assasination droid... not a dictionary!"
• "Commentary: I mean, nice human. Goood human..."
• Another great example of HK-47 being Ax-Crazy.
• His comments about how humans are mostly water. It includes such things about humans having "all those squishy parts" and wondering "how the constant sloshing doesn't drive you mad". The player has the option to reply, "Neither do I, come to think about it."
• Discussing the legal requirements for his type of model (which he evasively clarifies as "the illegal kind"):
  PC: There are legal requirements for illegal models?
  HK: Answer: More than there are for legal models, apparently. That is meatbag logic for you.
  PC: But... how can illegal models be regulated?
  HK: Query: Would you rather be caught with contraband that is very illegal, or just a little illegal?
  PC: What's the difference?
  HK: Answer: About twenty years, master.
  PC: Maybe we'll keep you a little illegal, then.
  HK: Agreement: That was my thought as well, master. You show excellent logical skills... for a meatbag.
• The reason he calls everyone meatbags? Revan programmed him to say that because it annoyed Malak.
• After repairing HK's memory, he discovers that all of his previous owners have met sticky ends due to him. A SysTech Corporation officer mistakenly caused the death of a branch of the same company, and was fried when he accidentally stabbed an actuator in HK in a fit of rage, a senator had a change of heart after setting him on his cheating wife, a Hutt was slaughtered in revenge for HK's rampage across Sleheyron, and a Mandalorian soldier was killed by HK himself, after the soldier's attempt to kill the Mandalorian chieftain backfired.
  PC: You are just a traveling piece of bad luck, aren't you?
  HK: Objection: That is so unfair, Master! Have I not brought you a great deal of satisfaction?
  PC: You don't want to hear the answer to that.
  HK: Statement: You are a very harsh master, Master! ...I like you.
  • The PC can choose to be horrified at the carnage HK has wrought, threatening to dismantle him.
    HK: Supplication: Please, master, have I not pleased you? I cannot control the acts I have performed... perhaps that is why my memory is erased? At any rate, I act only as you instruct me... even if that means being... *gulp* ...non-violent.
    PC: How very self-sacrificing of you.
    HK: Affirmation: HK-47 exists only to serve, master.
• Organics are not the same as droids, HK!
  HK: Suggestion: Perhaps we could dismember the organic? It would make it easier for transport to the surface.
  Panicking Mercenary: Y-You just can't cut me to pieces! I'll die!
  T3: Beep! Beep! Boop!
  HK: Amendment: I did forget that. Stupid, frail, non-compartmentalized organic meatbags!
• If you have HK-47 with you when speaking to the Jawa in Anchorhead, the following exchange takes place
  PC: HK-47, can you help me out here?
  HK: Translation: 98% probability that members of the miniature organic's tribe are being held by Sand People, master. Doubtless he wishes assistance.
  PC: What about the other 2%?
  HK: Translation: 2% probability the miniature organic is simply looking for trouble and needs to be blasted. That may be wishful thinking on my part, master.

Player Character

• Near the beginning, to rescue Bastila from the Black Vulkars, you must win a swoop bike race for the Hidden Beks. If you ask the Beks' leader why he isn't having a more experienced racer compete, he explains why: the bike you will be using is installed with a prototype accelerator, one that could possibly explode in the middle of the race.
  PC: Suddenly I'm not so sure about this.
• A darkly funny incident on Taris: A group of drunks try to bully you. You can pick a fight with them, in which case they will talk tough, raise their fists... and abruptly be messily gunned down by every Sith on the street, who will then go back on patrol like nothing happened.
• This exchange at the Taris Dueling Arena:
  Deadeye Duncan: You'd better watch yourself. I'm the number five ranked duelist in the Arena!
  Player: Out of how many?
  Duncan: Uh... five. But it's an elite group, okay? It's not like just anyone can step into the dueling chamber! Well, actually, anyone can... but not many do!
  • It's even funnier (and a Heartwarming Moment) if you allow Duncan to beat you. In case you were trying it, it's nearly impossible unless you deliberately make a bad character or do some save editing.
    "I may have lost 52 matches in a row before you, but I figure I've got your number!"
• During the questions for what kind of Jedi you'll be:
  There is a locked door, and you need to get to the other side. What do you do?
  1. Blast it open.
  2. Hack into the lock to get it open.
  3. Knock.
• During a murder investigation where you have to interrogate two subjects and find out who (if any) is lying, one of the reasons you can give for why someone is lying is "Fat people always lie."
  • Similarly, if you determine that both suspects are guilty in the Dantooine murder investigation, one of the reasons you can give for how you came to the conclusion that both suspects are guilty of the crime is that, much like the murder victim, one of the suspects was having an affair with the other suspect's wife.
• In the ruins on Dantooine you have an option to kick an ancient computer in hopes of activating it. The following description reads as follows:
  You kick the computer. Your foot hurts.
• Not reconciling the two feuding families on Dantooine. You can be such a total, total dick it Crosses the Line Twice back into funny.
  • It really does, as shown in the second part of this video.
• Carth and the female PC flirting, her hurting his "man-feelings". "Don't tell me not to take it personally, you hairless Wookiee!"
• The PC just loves to toy with Bastila.
  Bastila: On which planet were you born?
  PC: Kashyyyk. I'm a Wookiee...can't you tell?
  Bastila: What is your background?
  PC: I'm a Hutt in human form planning to overthrow the Republic.
  Bastilla: How old are you?
  PC: 3012. Healthy living, you know.
  Bastila: I see you intend to be childish about this.
  • You can, for almost every conversation with her before leaving Dantooine, insist that you were the one who rescued her, only for her to insist that you were the one who needed help. Absolutely hilarious each time.
    • It gets even better on why Bastila is insistent that she rescues you. It would be embarrassing to admit you got rescued by an amnesiac Darth Revan, Lord of the Sith, wouldn't it?
• Any attempt to flirt with Bastila. See here for a good compilation.
• Teasing Carth works better for a female character.
• The male PC's and Bastila's interactions.
  PC: "Your face is all scrunched up like a kinrath pup."
  Bastila: "A...a kinrath pup? It most certainly is not!"
  (...)
  PC: "Come on, I was only having fun."
  Bastila: "Fun? Fun? Driving me insane is your idea of a good time? You...you are a really odd man, do you know that? I simply don't know how to deal with you. All I want to do is help you but you seem determined to drive me mad."
• The female PC attempting to romance Carth.
  Carth: I don't know, what am I gonna have to do to earn forgiveness?"
  PC: "Just a little kiss. How about it?"
  Carth: "I...aheh, I really think that we should...um...get going."
  PC: "No kiss then?"
• Trying to get Carth to open up about his past. You can go with the understanding, patient route... or you can annoy it out of him. And of course, as a female Player Character, you once again derail the conversation into childish bickering.
  Carth: Yes, What's on your mind?
  PC: I want to continue our discussion from before.
  Carth: I thought I said I didn't want to talk about it anymore.
  PC: Yes, but I'm bored, so spit it out.
  (...)
  Carth: Blast it if you aren't the most frustrating woman to talk to!
  PC: *I'm* frustrating? Look who's talking!
  Carth: What? Me? What did I do?
  PC: Oh, that's rich. Where have you been?
  Carth: I... *sigh* Okay, I give up. You win.
• On Tatooine, a guard won't let you out of the settlement without an access card. If you Jedi Mind Trick him to let you past anyway, he'll explain, and he's just sick about this, that the gate will not open unless he runs your access card through the scanner, but he's so terribly sorry that he can't help you.
• During the mission on Manaan down into the Republic base, in an otherwise dreary and oppressive area, the Whimpering Locker provides a good dose of Black Comedy. A survivor loses it after the Selkath researchers turn on them and apparently eat them all. And now he's holed up in a storage locker, and no matter what your persuasion skill is, because his mind is so broken by fear, he won't come out. His dialogue is so silly and childish that it is hilarious to listen to. Goes even further for a Dark Side player.
  PC: I'll carve you into little fishy bits!
  Whimpering Locker: Nooooooo! You can't harm me in here! I'm invincible!
  PC: (Insert lightsaber into locker.)
• A lot of the Dark Side options on Tatooine can be pretty funny.
  PC: Yes, how much will you pay me not to kill you?
• The player-character gets plenty of trollish dialogue options. Some of which are dark-sided, others are neutral. For instance, you can repeatedly tease Bastila about how you had to rescue her, and she gets increasingly flustered and defensive, insisting she didn't need rescuing. But then you can go Dark Side when you meet the Tuskens...
  PC: Tell them I took off their robes so we could get into the camp.
  HK-47: Hesitation: Is this a wise choice, Master?
  PC: No, go ahead. I want to see what happens.
• After you've learned that you're Revan, you gain extra dialogue options where you exploit this identity. Sometimes it works; most NPCs won't buy it.
• Speak to the Rakatan Elders, and try to explain yourself.
  Rakatan Elder Councillor: Is this some type of test, Revan? Some type of trick? You came seeking our aid; you came in search of a way to enter the Temple of the Ancients. You claimed to be seeking a way to destroy the Star Forge, and we were foolish enough to believe you. Unaware of your true nature, we helped you enter the Temple. But you betrayed us, Revan. Instead of destroying the terrible legacy of our ancestors, you unleashed the evil of the Star Forge upon an unsuspecting galaxy. And now you stand before the Council of Elders once more. And once more we ask you: for what reason have you returned, Revan?
  PC: Uh... I need to get into the Temple so I can destroy the Star Forge.

Jolee

• Jolee never misses an opportunity to snark. Even Canderous approves.
  Lashowe: "Do you know how many Sith there are in Dreshdae?"
  Jolee: "Twelve! No, wait, Thirteen!"
  Canderous: (chuckling) "Nice one, old man."
  Jolee: "Thank you, it takes effort to be properly irreverent at my age."
• Guarding the Star Map in the lower Shadowlands is an ancient supercomputer that only responds to a certain neural pattern. You can ask it on the previous access attempts:
  Computer: Sorting by identity. Three attempts by the Wookiee Freyyr, all denied. 152 attempts by human Jolee Bindo, all denied.
  Jolee: Heh... call me stubborn, I guess. Heh. There wasn't much else to do around here.
• Jolee and his story about "swirling Force" and destiny. "You know, you remind me of someone I used to know. Promising young man, great destiny. Breath like a bantha."
  • Especially his comment about how sometimes "swirling Force" is just "swirling Force", no matter how many old geezers say "Oooh, destiny!"
  • And his whole story about the guy who believed his destiny made him invincible so he started talking back to the warlord Kraat^note "Tall fellow, biiig teeth." who had him hostage, got killed by the warlord when he grew tired of his boasting, thrown down an intake pipe, bumped into something on the way down, and blew the whole ship to bits.
  Jolee: "Changed the political course of the entire sector for centuries to come. I'd call that quite a destiny, wouldn't you?"
  PC: "I hate you, old man."
• This comment from the second game.
  Exile: "I believe it's called 'Pulling a Bindo'."
  Brianna: "Pulling... a Bindo?"
  Exile: "Sorry, bad joke, bald man, long story..."
• Choosing Jolee to break you out of prison: first he uses a Mind Trick to get put in a cell on his own. Then he mind tricks the guard into letting him out because he's old and could catch a cold in the cell. Then he uses the mind trick again to convince the guard that he should be punished for letting him escape and so should lock himself in the cell. Finally he drops the mind control just so he can mock the guard some more - and all with a tone of voice that tells you he just loves messing with these weak minded fools.
  Guard: "Wh... what just happened? What am I doing in here? Damn you, old man! I'll kill you if I ever get outta here!
  Jolee: Then I'll be sure never to let you out. Goodbye sonny! [cheery wave]
• On a similar note, taking Jolee with you when first applying for admission to the Sith Academy, which arguably Crosses the Line Twice. When you refer to him as a slave, he instantly adopts a servile manner and expresses gratitude that you don't beat him much any more. Even Yuthura is somewhat put off. Also this:
  Master loves tombs, don't you, master?
• Discussing the Wookiees' reverence of him.
  "Later, I found out they would say prayers to the Hairless One before venturing into the Shadowlands. Harumph, Hairless One. I used to have plenty of hair, I tell you."
• When asking him why he stayed on Kashyyyk:
  Jolee: What can I say, I did it all for the Wookiees.
  Player: The Wookiees?
  Jolee: The Wookiees!
• Asking Jolee why he decided to leave Kashyyyk and join you on your adventure leads to possibly the funniest line in the game:
  Jolee: At any rate, I already told you why I wanted to leave. I'd seen everything I wanted to on Kashyyyk. Time to go; time to move on.
  Player: Move on to where?
  Jolee: To bed. I'm old and tired, you know.
• Asking Jolee of what he knows about Korriban.
  Jolee: Pfah! Korriban's a rock! Mind the Sith.
• If you have Jolee, Canderous or HK-47 with you during your conversation with Mekel outside the Sith Academy:
  Jolee: "Why not shoot them where they stand? It would at least be more direct."
  Canderous/HK: "That’s what I would do."
  Jolee: "Of course that’s what you would do."
• Jolee's deadpan snarking reactions to a Dark-Sided player are funny, too.
  Grrrwahrr: Please human, will you help me? I'm dying...
  Player: (Dark Side response) You are not worthy! Why should I help you, weakling?
  Jolee: (disgusted) Nice... real nice. Maybe later we can find some insects to pull the legs off of, hmm?

Mission

• "Who designed those Sith uniforms anyway? A Blind Rodian with a sick sense of humor?"
• Bastila and Mission.
• "She tried to bite me through my armor, and you should hear what she said about my mother..."
• Carth's conversation with Mission. It's going just fine with Carth saying she's valuable to the team, but she immediately blows her lid off once he mentions she's pretty intelligent and resourceful... for a kid.
• "Hey, don't treat me like I'm a kid. I ain't a kid. I'm fourteen years old!"
• Playing a light-side female and romancing Carth gets him making a public declaration of his feelings on the Lehon beach and an implied Big Damn Kiss afterward. Mission's reaction...
  Mission: Hey! Sheesh... Get a Room!, will ya?
  Zaalbar: That two spirits have found each other amidst such turmoil is a good omen, Mission. Does it not please you to see?
  Mission: Oh, sure. Even a good omen can get itself a room, though, don't ya think?

Unsorted

• When you repair the Disabled Sentry droid to fight for you against your enemies in the Black Vulkar base, instead of using its equipped rifle, it wields it as a bludgeoning weapon, along with its fists. Talk about being effective since, if an enemy uses the standard energy shield, it doesn't block physical attacks, making the Disabled Sentry droid quite an effective-yet-awkward assistant-attacker.
• There's a farmer named Jon at the Jedi Enclave, and when he first sees you he demands to know why the Jedi haven't yet done anything about the Mandalorians terrorizing the people of Dantooine. You have three dialogue options as usual, but if you pick a particular one...
  Player: We are Jedi. What we decide is always right.
  Carth: Is that your impression of Bastila? If so, it's a good one.
  • If Bastila is also with you (impossible without cheating):
  Bastila: I'm standing right here, Carth!
  Carth: Yeah, what's your point?
• Juhani is a Gay Option for female characters. If played to the conclusion we get this this exchange.
  Juhani: Now that I have shared my thoughts, I don't know what to say.
  PC: How about 'thank you'?
• The Rocky Roll Call at the end of the Sandral/Matale feud. Serious situation, hilarious encounter.
  Ahlan: There you are, Shen!
  Shen: Father!
  Rahasia: Mr. Matale!
  Nurik: Rahasia!
  Rahasia: Father!
  Shen: Mr. Sandral!
  Ahlan: Nurik!
  Nurik: Ahlan!
  • Anyone else think being given the dialog option to shout your character's name randomly at the end of that would have made it even better?
    • Everyone in your current party saying their names immediately afterward, however exasperated, would be even funnier.
    • One of the dialogue options while Ahlan and Nurik are arguing is just your PC screaming SHUT UP!
  • And hilariously:
    Player character: Donkey!
• The Kashyyyk Czerka Dock guards' injury/battle-effort noises and death cries that are heard as you return to your ship after the conclusion of you siding with Freyyr against his corrupt son Chuundar are, quite frankly, hilarious to listen to. The guards' death cries sound like literally-bored "Oww..." sounds, as can be heard here.
• A sidequest on Dantooine brings the PC to Elise who is frantic over the droid going missing, but at first makes it sound like it's her husband. Turns out the droid tried to run off because she was using it as a Replacement Goldfish and, it's suggested, a Sex Bot.
  C8-42: She... she tried to treat me as her dead husband. It was not healthy for her.
  PC: Er... ALL the time?
  C8-42: You don't want to know...
  PC: Um... probably not...
  • Some other characters have their input on this, such as when Bastila almost does not want to imagine just what Elise and the droid get up to.
    Carth: Wow she really misses her droid doesn't she?
    Bastila: There's no need for levity Carth. She's obviously desperate.
    Carth: I'll say.
    Bastila: Carth! Enough.
  • And if you convince the droid to return to its master, you'll find the aftermath of the quest in one of the private rooms in the Jedi Enclave. It's not explicit, but it's still pretty obvious you were interrupting:
    Elise: Don't worry. I'm going to hug you and oil you and care for you and make sure you never get away, ever again.
    C8-42: Please, kill me.
    Carth: I've never felt so sorry for a droid before.
    Canderous: Ha! I guess that droid is really going to serve his master tonight!
• The Gizka quest. Even the quest log is exasperated by the harmlessly annoying froggy-things.
• Several times if a Jedi is in your party and negotiations are going nowhere they might pull out the old Jedi Mind Trick...
  • If Bastila does this she might look around nervously afterwards in case anyone saw her.
  • If Jolee does this you can get to call him out on it... then he just says well, he may have done it a couple of times to evade toll fees.
• Deadeye Duncan can run into you on Manaan and mention how he managed to escape Taris after it was carpet-bombed.^note This is cut-content, but can be restored by a mod.
• Zaalbar, during his time captured by Gamorreans, wasn't fed and got testy for not having his five-square-meals a day. He managed to grab one that walked too close and bit a chunk out of his arm. But he spat it out because it tasted bad. Never mess with a Wookiee.
  • There's also Mission's story of how the two met; he picked up one Black Vulkar by the neck who fainted immediately from Big Z's horrible breath, while the other two screamed and ran off. You could just hear Mission laugh as she recounts the tale.
• Bastila's retelling of how the Vulkar were able to capture her—she lost her lightsaber—and Carth (playfully) mocking her for it. You can join in and wonder why of all the Jedi in the universe, you got to team up with the "absentminded one". Bastila is not amused...
• While on Taris, you get a different response from everyone when you're wearing the Sith armor.
  • In the midst of the Upper City you get harassed by a bunch of drunkards looking for a fight. With the Sith armor they try to taunt you, still drunk, but back down when they're reminded that throwing hands with the Sith can get them in a lot of trouble.
  • A random protocol droid gives you a very different greeting:
    Random protocol droid: All hail the Sith!
• Take control of Bastila and wave your lightsaber in front of them. The Troopers won't react to her despite being explicitly told to look out for her.
• An early banter between Canderous and Bastila has Canderous mocking Bastila for getting captured by the Vulkars. Bastila retorts by mentioning that he was once a Mandalorian soldier reduced to a backstabbing mercenary. A thoroughly unimpressed Canderous replies:
  Canderous: Insults? Maybe if your master had trained your lightsaber to be as quick as your tongue, you could have escaped those Vulkars, you spoiled little Jedi princess!
• The "encounter" with Calo Nord:
  Calo Nord: Go away.
  PC: I saw how you mopped those Black Vulkars. Nice work.
  Calo Nord: One.
  PC: I'm not looking for a fight. I just want to talk.
  Calo Nord: Two.
  PC: Okay, I see your point. I'll be off then.
  Calo Nord: Smart. (walks away)
• A lot of the description of the items fall into this, more often than not as Black Comedy. For instance one particularly good set of armour used to belong to a famed Mandalorian warrior, who was unbeatable in combat and only killed when someone snuck up on him while he was taking a bath.
• On the Star Forge, you run into and have to fight a fallen Bastila. When trying to turn her back to the Light Side, she says it's unlikely to happen, considering that she's now Malak's apprentice and is trying to kill you. You can then point out that Revan did it before. Only to have Bastila point out (paraphrased):
  Bastila: It took the whole Council and wiping away your identity to do so. I don't think it's possible for me.
• After you raided the Sith Base on Manaan, you can return to the base entrance's which is now guarded by Sith War Droids. When you talk to them, they say the embassy is temporarily closed "because of a maintenance failure". When you say the base was attacked, the droid is completely caught off guard:
  Sith Droid What?! How did you... Um... This unit has no knowledge of what you're talking about.
• Running into Tanis Venn, who's trapped by his own droids reprogrammed by his angry wife on the dunes of Tatooine with Bastila in your party provides a commentary one wouldn't expect from her:
  Bastila: I say leave him.
  Tanis Venn: You're pretty heartless for such a pretty lady, you know?
  Bastila: I take it back. Let's congratulate his wife.
• After The Reveal, HK experiences a revelation of his own — his original master is Revan. Mission and Canderous lampshade what a small world it is.
  Mission: Wow. What are the chances of that happening?
  Canderous: Remember we're talking about the Force, here. At this point Malak himself could drop out of the sky and I wouldn't bat an eyelash.
  Mission: Good point.
• The hidden method in which, instead of facing Darth Malak as the last boss, if you used a hidden button hold combo (or the correct console code on the PC variation of KOTOR 1) before the area leading up to the final fight with him, you instead witness Revan use a secret force technique that transforms Darth Malak into a green-skinned Twi'lek variation of him and instead their "Duel of the Ages" is instead hilariously-converted to a non-lethal "Danceoff of the Ages", as shown here.