Funny / Kindergarten Cop

  • When Kimble storms the gang hideout.
    Gang Member: So who are you, man?
    Gang Member: SHIT!!! *runs off*
    Kimble: *shoots the couch the gang member was sitting on* I'm the party pooper.
  • This line:
    O'Hara: Not so tough without your car, are you?
  • And this one from the opening sequence (a typically badass Establishing Character Moment for Arnie):
    Kimble: I forgot to introduce myself. I'm John Kimble. (pumps shotgun) And I love my car.
    Punk (raising hands): Hey, I was just looking after it for you, man...
  • After reading him the Arson, Murder, and Lifesaving speech, Miss Schlowski has one final question for Kimble:
    What did it feel like to hit that son of a bitch?
  • The Villains Out Shopping scene, in which Crisp is alarmed at all the various medications and safeguards his mother buys for Dominic. When he complains that she gave him all this stuff when he was a kid yet he hardly was sick, she points out this was WHY he was rarely sick. The pharmacist is rather amused by their conversation.
    Cullen: You shoved all this crap down my throat for years and there was nothing wrong with me!
    Eleanor: That's why there was nothing wrong with you.
    Cullen: (to the pharmacist) Now how can you argue with that?
  • Kimble threatening the kid kicking his seat on the airplane by snapping a pencil in two with just his thumb.
    You don't stop screwing around back there, here's what I'm gonna do with you. ::SNAP::
  • Possibly due to Memetic Mutation, but this line is hilarious:
    Kimble: IT'S NOT A TUMOR!
  • Some scenes with the kids are a riot. Kimble's face during the "Who Is Your Daddy" sequence ("Our mom says our dad is a real sex machine!") is priceless.
  • Before Kimble's first day:
    Kimble: How do I look?
    O'Hara (looking him over): Take off the gun.
    Kimble (removing handgun/holster from jacket): Good idea.
    O'Hara: Little bastards are gonna eat you alive.
    Kimble: Don't worry. I've been working undercover for a long time. They're six-year-olds. How much trouble could they be?
  • Kimble tries to arrest Crisp at a mall salon, but the mall security attempt to stop Kimble, even with his badge plainly visible in his hand.
    Kimble: I'm a cop, you idiot!
  • When Kimble first enters the classroom, Kimble goes crazy while taking care of the children. As his anger slowly builds up, the camera revolves around him, and then, when the camera revolves around him for the last time, he finally screams:
    • Followed by Kimble storming outside and delivering an epic Skyward Scream when the kids cry. Then Kimble proceeds to run down to his car and brings back a ferret for the kids to pet.
    • After Kimble introduces the ferret, this exchange occurs:
    Child: If he bites you, you get rabies and you die.
    Kimble: No. That's not true. He never bites.
  • Upon hearing "Boys have a penis, girls have a vagina," Kimble reacts by saying, "Thanks for the tip."
    • Even better is the callback later in the film, when O'Hara visits the classroom, and is told the same thing. She looks at Kimble with a slight grin on her face, Kimble, for his part, has a large grin on his.
  • Kimble singing "Old McDonald Had a Farm" to the children while dressed up as a cowboy.
  • Kimble: "Are these all your lunches? You mean you eat other people's lunches? STOP IT!!"
    • The delivery really sells this one. He delivers the line while holding the kid (who has a mouthful of food) off the ground. Then the kid starts spitting out the food and Kimble drops him in disgust.
  • Kimble's speech to the kids when talking about "Police School."
    You are mine, now! You belong to ME! You're not gonna have your mommies run behind you anymore wiping your little tushies! No more complaining! No more "Mr. Kimble, I have to go to the bathroom!" Nothing! There is no bathroom!
  • Kimble complaining to O'Hara:
    The only problem I've got is that I'm doing your problem. You should be cleaning up the paint. You should be reading stories about bears that go shopping.
  • "I'm not a policeman, I'm a princess!"
    • "TAKE IT BACK!!!"
    • "Alright..."