Cabbie: Okay, buddy, that'll be eighteen fifty— Hey, hey buddy, what the fuck!? Hey! This ain't no free ride! This ain't no limo shit! Hey, c'mon, you gotta pay—
[Joseph and Holly hug]
Cabbie: Oh. That's precious. That's cute, that's real amazing, that's real touching, that's— NOW GIVE ME MY FUCKING EIGHTEEN-FIFTY!
Joseph's attempt at waking up his grandson in prison involves acting like a Jive Turkey.
Policeman: Wake up, convict.
Joseph: Well, that's no way to wake someone up! Here. I learned this from the in-flight movie. [to Jotaro] Hey, fuckface! Yeah, I'm talking to you, you cracka-faced cracka! How you gonna step up in ma' crib and not get stomped on, bee-yatta-cha? How you gonna act?
Jotaro: Hey, grand-dad.
"Son of a bitch stole my gun!"
"You chopped... my camera... in half. You asshole."
In canon, the thing Star Platinum sees in Dio's picture is a fly native to Egypt. In this series?
Avdol: What is he drawing?
Joseph: It's a frog! No, no it's a knife! Ooh, ooh! It's a jackal! It's a jackal! I bet it's a jackal!
Episode 2 starts with Jotaro just walking along, ignoring the women trying to glomp him, when suddenly, he gets STABBED IN THE KNEE, OUT OF NOWHERE. His response?
Jotaro:[knocked off stairs, only for Star Platinum to appear and grab a tree branch, which promptly breaks] Fucking Mother Nature! [lands in bushes]
Young woman: Jojo!
Other young woman: He got fucked up!
Jotaro:[gets up, looks at his wound] Owwwww. [looks off to the side] Wait, is that— oh, shit, it is! Robert Downey, Jr.![runs off, finding nobody] Damn it, he's gone. And all I wanted to know is if he got that thing I sent him.
Jotaro's unfamiliarity with bandages.
Jotaro: Ban...dage? What a strange device. Do...do I eat it? Is... is it microwavable? Does it taste like... Pop-Tarts? I don't know. Maybe if I try eating it with dirt— BLAUUUGH![spits] Urgh! Tastes like ass!
The entire fight with Kakyoin. Highlights include:
Jotaro and Kakyoin arguing over how to pronounce "Hierophant Green", culminating in this exchange:
Kakyoin: Hierophant Green.
Jotaro: John Green.
Kakyoin: Okay, now you're just messing with me!
Jotaro: Hehehe. I do that sometimes.
Jotaro calling said stand "emo".
Kakyoin: I warn you, Jotaro—
Jotaro (thinking): Wait, how'd his Stand get there?
Kakyoin: My Stand doesn't like to be in open spaces. It would much rather be hiding in something like a dark corner. Or hair bangs.
Jotaro: So... it's emo.
Kakyoin: Wha—? No, it's not emo!
Jotaro: You said it likes to hide behind hair bangs. Pretty sure that's what emos do.
Kakyoin: That doesn't mean it's emo!
[cut to a wounded Hierophant Green, with Linkin Park's "Crawling" playing in the background]
Jotaro: Dude, it is crying from its wrist. That is hard emo, bro.
Kakyoin: I wouldn't get too close. An orangutan is five times stronger than a normal human being. He can easily rip your arms off.
Joseph: Dang, that's pretty violent—
Kakyoin: Then, when it's done scratching its ass with your arms, it'll rip off your legs and use them as antennas, then use your intestines as jump ropes. And then, when it's hungry, it'll eat your heart with a side of gallbladder marinated in your testicles. And then, on those cold, lonely nights, it'll use your skull with the eyeballs intact as a fuck toy!
-NBC's "The More You Know" logo appears-
Speedwagon Foundation Guy: Do not want!
Hol Horse's introduction in Episode 4. Anyone for some Eagleland comedy?
Hol Horse: My name's Hol Horse. And My Stand's name is-
Polnareff: It's no use, Kakyoin. He's dead. *sniff* Just like The Iron Giant.
Kakyoin: Uh... actually, he survived.
Polnareff: *turns around to reveal he's been crying* AND THE BAD NEWS JUST KEEPS COMING!
N'Doul's death scene flips between this and Tear Jerker. When it's this though, it elicits as much laughs as it does tears. After N'Doul relates his sad story about his little brother dying and him going blind at a young age...
Chief Steroidicus admitting to only wanting to "see some fucking titties" as his reason for always wanting to have a sexy naked chick nearby, and asking if that makes him a bad person.
Aztec guy: Sir, if you really want to see boobs, why don't you just use the internet?
Chief Steroidicus: Do you know how hard it is to get a signal in the year 12 FUCKING BC?! Even if I GOT a signal, I don't know any sites to go to! And don't tell me to use Google Images because every time I do I get JACK SHIT!
Aztec guy: Did you turn off the Safe Search?
Chief Steroidicus: ...you just made the next 12 weeks of my schedule full.
JOTARO IS THE BUILDING!
When Polnareff tells the gang they'll go to hell when he kills them.
Joseph: Ha! Joke's on you asshole. Abdul's Muslim, so when he dies he goes to Mcdonalds. Face!
And as of the eighth episode, it's confirmed!
Abdul:(At King Yemma's place)Ahhhhhhhh!!! I f** king hate white people!!!
Joseph: Oh, it's nothing, Abdul. I've just had bad experiences with planes.
Abdul: Really? Why?
Joseph: Oh, I just kamikazed an immortal god into a active volcano. I remember it like it was yesterday... *Arthur flashback sound.*
Past!Joseph: "HOLY FUCKING JESUS CHRIST HOW THE FUCK DO I FLY THIS THING?! HOLY JESUS- WHAT THE FUCK?!? FUCKING PIRANHAS! FUCKING PIRANHAS!! FUCKING PIRANHAS!!! WHAT THE FUCK? WHERE THE FUCK DID THE OCTOPUS COME FROM? WHAT IN GOOD JESUS, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!'
Past!Joseph:WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS OH MY GOD!!! *CRASH*
Joseph: "And that's how I got my artificial hand. Good times... Good Times."
Ritchie!Dio: Now how the bloody hell does that work?
Ritchie!Jotaro: I heard you gotta get shot by one.
Ritchie!Dio: Shot by an arrow?
Ritchie!Jotaro: Yeah, shot by an arrow.
Ritchie!Dio: o'right so ya tellin' me that any loony dressed up as Robin fucking Hood can go aroun' shootin' people in the face and they get a Stand?
Ritchie!Jotaro: They can't be regular arrows, they gotta be special arrows.
Ritchie!Dio: Special arrows?
Ritchie!Jotaro: Yea special arrows.
Ritchie!Dio: An' where ya buy these special arrows, fucking Walmart?
Ritchie!Jotaro: Nah, I think ya get 'em from an old lady.
Ritchie!Dio: An old lady?
Ritchie!Jotaro: Yea an old lady.
Ritchie!Dio: So ya tellin' me I can go to any old pot o'crocket and she gimme one o' them special arrows?
Ritchie!Jotaro: Well ya can't just get 'em from any old lady, you gotta go find a special old lady.
Ritchie!Dio: Special old lady?
Ritchie!Jotaro: Yea a special old lady.
Real!Jotaro: What the hell are they talking about?!?
Real!Dio: I have, no idea.
Real!Jotaro: God, I thought British people spoke English.
Real!Dio: Well bloody hell.
Dio in the wrestling part of the Epilogue (really just a still of Dio's head put on Chris Jericho's body) coming out to the song "I" by Dio, in reference to his speech pattern of referring to himself. Then there was the whole exchange between him and Jotaro.
Jotaro: Dio Brando! I know this Sunday at Bloodmageddon, I'll be defending my title against you in a barbed wire steel cage chicken coop match, but I say why wait til Sunday? Let's have that match RIGHT NOW!
Abdul as commentator: My god, Jotaro is challenging Dio tonight!
Dio: You know Jotaro, I was just in the back telling the producer to play my theme song for when I come out, and I don't know what's worse: your mic skills, or this city's local sports team. *booing from crowd* Unfortunately, Jotaro, I can't challenge you for the title now as I've neglected to bring my wrestling gear, but if you really want a fight, how about...your evil twin Marconi!
Jotaro: Marconi? But he's been in a coma for 12 years for proposing to my sister Felicia on top of the Eiffel Tower?
Dio: But I believe you missed the part where that wasn't Marconi...but your long lost father! *music sting* Of course you'd remember that if you didn't have...amnesia!
Jotaro: What?! I don't remember ever having amnesia!
Dio: Well yeah. Anyway, our match at Bloodmageddon is gong to have a special guest referee...my mother!
Jotaro: Your mother...or OUR mother?!
*musical sting, focus on Dio this time.*
Iggy's return in the second Wrestling World during saidsame special is also noteworthy. Especially since its just a clip from TNA Impact, and "Iggy" is literally just Samoa Joe with Iggy's head pasted on him. Oh and Iggy's name pasted over Joe's in his entrance video. Its a sight to behold.
Fugo: Huh. Well, this doesn't seem too ba- OH MY GOD THEY SPELL TRASH BACKWARDS!!
In the same video, Giorno Giovanna expressing disbelief in a world inside a mirror despite the presence of Stands (and how Fugo himself was pulled into said mirror by Illuso) and Leone Abbacchio taking him to task for not believing in such a place. After Abbacchio's done ranting at Giorno, what's his response?
Doppio was phone? Poor Vinegar Doppio has to wait for another call from his boss Diavolo. In the meantime he ends up getting calls from all sorts of people, including a Sassy Black Woman, a drunken fan demanding a Jo Jo anime and threatening Araki, Liam Neesonthreatening to find and kill him, a weirdo quickly and repeatedly mumbling "PURPLE HAZE PURPLE HAZE PURPLE HAZE", and Roman Bellic. Then he accidentally shouts at Diavolo when the call finally comes in, and to top it all off, Risotto Nero's right behind him.
Doppio: Sir, I'm so sorry for yelling at you, I-
Nero: Look behind you.
*Doppio looks behind him and sees Risotto Nero right behind him.*
George: Years ago there was a terrible stage coach accident that killed my dear wife. But luckily, Dio's father was around to save me!
Dario Brando: Oi, let's rob this dead guy! [hand slapped away] ACK!
George: You have saved me and my mustache's life, good sir! Before I can offer you my gratitude, let me ask you. How do you like your steak?
Dario: Er... Medium rare?
George: ...Your son can stay with us when you die.
George: Now then, Dio, I want to introduce you to my son, Jonathan. Just like you, his mother's dead as well! So you will both have so much in common!
Dio: I'm sure me and Jonathan are going to be the best of friends.
George: Splendid! Well, I'm off. It's almost scotch-'o-clock.
And at the end of the episode:
George: Jonathan! Dio! What in the porterhouse sirloin is going on here!? How many times have I told you two, if you're going to spill blood, put plastic on the floor first! Now both of you go to your rooms!
Jonathan pukes offscreen directly after saving Erina.
A Dinner with the Joestars quickie, where the people were laughing and joking around until Jonathan says that the steak is merely okay.
George: I... murdered... this cow... in front of her own children! I did this so that when they're grown up and ready to eat, their vengeance will give them such immaculate flavor it will dance on my palette!
And during this statement at one point it the camera focuses on Dio, and when George mentions murdering said cow in front of her children, you can hear a very... curious springing sound.
And some extreme Mood Whiplash at the end, when Jonathan asks Dio if he's seen Danny anywhere. Danny trapped in the oven is pure horror, but then Dio responds to Jonathan...
Speedwagon: Just as the song depicts, George's spirit has become one with Jonathan's. Oh, this is such a touching moment! Wouldn't you agr— (The inspector's upper head is sliced off) Speedwagon:...WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Dio:(Internal monologue) Who knew you could get a boner upside down?
The reaction to Dio's resurrection as a vampire:
Constable: Impossible! I've never seen someone so white take so many bullets to the chest! Speedwagon: Even Speedwagon is afraid!
Zeppeli: In what textbook does it say that a vampire can be killed by fire? I mean just because they rhyme doesn't necessarily mean that one can kill the other. You ever notice that "heart attacks" and "fat people" don't really rhyme?
Erina saying that Dio kissing her left her unable to say anything beyond "kya"s and "aahs".
And when Zeppeli asks Jonathan and Erina to accompany him to a desolate river, Erina has this to add.
Erina:...kyaaaah? *eyebrow raise*
Zeppeli does the frog punch.
Zeppeli: So, then, you want me to explain to you how I did what I did, correct?
Jonathan: Yes please, that would greatly appreciated.
Zeppeli: Well then, I wouldn't be able to do this!! *goes to punch the frog.*
Speedwagon: Even Speedwagon thought that ending was weak!
Zeppeli:Go fuck your mother.
The new comment special hosted by Zeppeli and Speedwagon. Speedwagon offers Zeppeli an entire room filled with what appears to be wine to Zeppeli in exchange for hosting said special together. Except...
Speedwagon: Oh, that's not wine!
Speedwagon: Nope! It's purple tanning oil! You never know when you might run into half-naked men in need of glistening!
When asked how he likes his wine, Zeppeli replies thus:
Zeppeli: I like my wine like I like my women - 30 years old, in abundance and smart enough to know when to keep her mouth shut. *sips wine* Now I'm not saying that I've never hit a woman before. *sips again* But I'm also saying that I nevernot have. *sips again.* Which means Itotally have. *sips again* I mean, why would I ever discriminate on who I can and can't hit based on what's between the legs? *sips again* Trust me, if a man with labia flaps as wide as a manta ray asks me why I have a Scottish accent if I'm Italian, I'm pretty entitled to lay the smackdown on the bastard. *sips again* It's 1888, people! We ALL deserve equality!
Speedwagon: Even black people?
Zeppeli: Ohoho, Speedwagon, we'll leave Los Angeles to do that.
Chicken or fish?
Zeppeli's opinion on the name "Caesar".
Zeppeli: I would rather die than know anyone who is named after a salad.
Episode 4 gives us a slew of wrestling references such as Tarkus and Bruford now being based off of The Big Show and Chris Jericho respectively.
The start of the episode where Poco steals the group's things:
When Jonathan whacks Poco off the cliff and catches him:
Zeppeli: The kid almost died. Poco: Blimey! This ain't Mississippi pool! And you're not Huckleberry Finn! Jonathan: That's because my father wasn't a racist drunk! *beat* Okay, well he wasn't racist. *Another beat. Jonathan then whispers...* He hated Chinese people.
The zombies attack:
Zeppeli: Heads up, lads! These maggot-fucked bastards got an icier grip than me ex-wife!
Dio's entrance and slag-off match with Zeppeli:
Speedwagon: SPEEDWAGON POINTS NERVOUSLY! Dio:Mwahahahahahah!Surprise, bitch! Bet you thought you'd seen the last of me! Jonathan: Dio! Zeppeli: So that David Bowie lookin' son of a toothless hank-a-shank is Dio, eh? Dio:Oh. My.Dio! It's WillyWonka! Zeppeli: Tell me, ya bastard! How many lives have ya sucked away to heal those wounds?! *Dio lifts his shirt revealing a whole bunch of tattoos including one reading "DIO SIZED" with arrows pointing...downward.* Dio: Do you remember how many breads you've eaten in your life? Zeppeli: As a matter of fact, I do. It was enough to fuck your mother last night. Dio: Well well, the Monopoly Man has jokes! Zeppeli: The only joke I see is the one that came out of your mother's spasm chasm. Which let me remind ya...fucked her! Dio:WANNA FUCKIN' GO, PRINGLES BITCH? If you're feelin' hungry then pop! Zeppeli: Gladly! JONATHAN! Leave this Ziggy Stardust freak bastard to me!
When Zeppeli goes for a punch and fails thanks to Dio grabbing and freezing his hand:
Dio:Paper covers rock, bitch.*Freezes Zeppeli's arm* Zeppeli: Oh no! I'm about to suck the icy tit of defeat! *His ice-covered arm shatters and bleeds* Dio: Without a proper bloodstream, your Ripple is as useless as a degree in astrological science! *Goes for a finishing blow only for Jonathan to interfere* Jonathan: This coming from the man who majored in the history of biological mutation between humans and cats?! Zeppeli: The fuck is wrong with you, man? Dio:DON'T TALK SHIT ABOUT MY MAN-CATS!!
Speedwagon very homoerotically unfreezing Zeppeli's arm. "Just let it happen..."
Dio summoning Tarkus and Bruford, and their backstory especially the way Queen Elizabeth I is portrayed:
Bruford: WE ARE THE GREATEST TAG TEAM OF THE 16TH CENTURY! Tarkus: Executed by a ruthless tyrant! Queenie: I'm Queen Elizabeth and YOU'RE EXECUTED!!! Executioner: We wish you all the best in all your future endeavours IN HELL! Dio: And as free agents of the damned, they're now under contract with I, Dio!
Dio's parting words:
Dio: So, my knights, have fun destroying Jonathan and the others, I, Dio, am going to find myself a lovely woman to help paint this Old English town red! Mwahahahahahahahahahahaha!! It's a double period joke! *vanishes in a puff of blood*
As the newly face-turned Bruford crumbles away from the Ripple...
Bruford: What's happening to me? I don't feel like insulting local sports teams or mentioning obesity rates. I feel...whole. Jonathan: My Overdrive has brought your noble Lionheart back, Bruford. Bruford: Jonathan...thank you. For this, I give you my most cherished possession. Jonathan: Your hair? Bruford: Go fuck yourself, assclown....my sword. LUCK.*uses his blood to add a P to the hilt" But for the rebranding purposes it shall be named...PLUCK. Jonathan: But why? Why are you giving me this sword? Bruford: Because...you're...worth it...
Tarkus smashes up Bruford's armour...
Tarkus: FINALLY! Now that he's gone, I can finally start my solo career! I think I'll start my massive push by KILLING ALL OF YOU hey come back. *The gang escape on a leaf hang glider made by Zeppeli* Speedwagon: It looks like we're flying by night away from danger! Get it?....Get it?...Zeppeli, do you- Zeppeli:I FUCKING GET IT, SPEEDWAGON.
Seeing Tarkus flying through the night into a castle prompts this from Zeppeli:*
Zeppeli's final words are telling Jonathan to take care of Erina...specifically in bed...orally. Neither Jonathan nor Speedwagon get what he's talking about (but Speedwagon gets very excited any time his innuendos bring up sweets).
Zeppeli: And word to the wise - don't do it after you've eaten a jalapeno, you'll kill her!