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Funny: JoJo's Bizarre Adventure Abridged
Stardust Crusaders OVA

  • First episode:
    • When Joseph gets off the cab to meet Holly:
    Cabbie: Okay, buddy, that'll be eighteen fifty— Hey, hey buddy, what the fuck!? Hey! This ain't no free ride! This ain't no limo shit! Hey, c'mon, you gotta pay—
    [Joseph and Holly hug]
    Cabbie: Oh. That's precious. That's cute, that's real amazing, that's real touching, that's— NOW GIVE ME MY FUCKING EIGHTEEN-FIFTY!
    • Joseph's attempt at waking up his grandson in prison involves acting like a Jive Turkey.
    Policeman: Wake up, convict.
    Joseph: Well, that's no way to wake someone up! Here. I learned this from the in-flight movie. [to Jotaro] Hey, fuckface! Yeah, I'm talking to you, you cracka-faced cracka! How you gonna step up in ma' crib and not get stomped on, bee-yatta-cha? How you gonna act?
    Jotaro: Hey, grand-dad.
    • "Son of a bitch stole my gun!"
    • "You chopped... my camera... in half. You asshole."
    • In canon, the thing Star Platinum sees in Dio's picture is a fly native to Egypt. In this series?
    Avdol: What is he drawing?
    Joseph: It's a frog! No, no it's a knife! Ooh, ooh! It's a jackal! It's a jackal! I bet it's a jackal!
    [It's Weegee. Cue Scare Chord.]
    [Really long beat]
    Joseph: What... the... f— [cue end credits]
  • Episode 2 starts with Jotaro just walking along, ignoring the women trying to glomp him, when suddenly, he gets STABBED IN THE KNEE, OUT OF NOWHERE. His response?
    Jotaro: [knocked off stairs, only for Star Platinum to appear and grab a tree branch, which promptly breaks] Fucking Mother Nature! [lands in bushes]
    Young woman: Jojo!
    Other young woman: He got fucked up!
    Jotaro: [gets up, looks at his wound] Owwwww. [looks off to the side] Wait, is that— oh, shit, it is! Robert Downey, Jr.! [runs off, finding nobody] Damn it, he's gone. And all I wanted to know is if he got that thing I sent him.
    • Jotaro's unfamiliarity with bandages.
    Jotaro: Ban...dage? What a strange device. Do...do I eat it? Is... is it microwavable? Does it taste like... Pop-Tarts? I don't know. Maybe if I try eating it with dirt— BLAUUUGH! [spits] Urgh! Tastes like ass!
    • The entire fight with Kakyoin. Highlights include:
      • Jotaro and Kakyoin arguing over how to pronounce "Hierophant Green", culminating in this exchange:
    Kakyoin: Hi...
    Jotaro: Hi.
    Kakyoin: Ero...
    Jotaro: Ero.
    Kakyoin: Phant...
    Jotaro: Phant.
    Kakyoin: Green.
    Jotaro: Green.
    Kakyoin: Hierophant Green.
    Jotaro: John Green.
    Kakyoin: Okay, now you're just messing with me!
    Jotaro: Hehehe. I do that sometimes.
    • Jotaro calling said stand "emo".
    Kakyoin: I warn you, Jotaro—
    Jotaro (thinking): Wait, how'd his Stand get there?
    Kakyoin: My Stand doesn't like to be in open spaces. It would much rather be hiding in something like a dark corner. Or hair bangs.
    Jotaro: So... it's emo.
    Kakyoin: Wha—? No, it's not emo!
    Jotaro: You said it likes to hide behind hair bangs. Pretty sure that's what emos do.
    Kakyoin: That doesn't mean it's emo!
    [cut to a wounded Hierophant Green, with Linkin Park's "Crawling" playing in the background]
    Jotaro: Dude, it is crying from its wrist. That is hard emo, bro.
  • In Episode 3, when one of the Speedwagon Foundation personnel approaches Forever the orangutan, Kakyoin warns him to stay away in gruesome detail.
    Speedwagon Foundation Guy: Aww, I bet you're just reading it for the articles.
    Kakyoin: I wouldn't get too close. An orangutan is five times stronger than a normal human being. He can easily rip your arms off.
    Joseph: Dang, that's pretty violent—
    Kakyoin: Then, when it's done scratching its ass with your arms, it'll rip off your legs and use them as antennas, then use your intestines as jump ropes. And then, when it's hungry, it'll eat your heart with a side of gallbladder marinated in your testicles. And then, on those cold, lonely nights, it'll use your skull with the eyeballs intact as a fuck toy!
    -NBC's "The More You Know" logo appears-
    Speedwagon Foundation Guy: Do not want!
  • Hol Horse's introduction in Episode 4. Anyone for some Eagleland comedy?
    Hol Horse: My name's Hol Horse. And My Stand's name is-
    POP QUIZ!!
    Is Hol Horse's Stand named:
    A. The Emperor?
    Hol Horse: My Stand's name is Emperor. I was gonna call it Dukes of Hazzard but then I remembered one of my eighteen bloodhounds is called that— but enough of that jibber-jabber.
  • Abdul's death in Episode 4 is played for drama, even going so far as being set to "Time to Say Goodbye". That is, until Kakyoin approaches Abdul...
    Kakyoin: Abdul! Abdul, wake up! Say nothing if you're alright!
    [Beat]
    Kakyoin: Polnareff! He's all ri—
    Polnareff: It's no use, Kakyoin. He's dead. *sniff* Just like The Iron Giant.
    Kakyoin: Uh... actually, he survived.
    Polnareff: *turns around to reveal he's been crying* AND THE BAD NEWS JUST KEEPS COMING!
  • N'Doul's death scene flips between this and Tear Jerker. When it's this though, it elicits as much laughs as it does tears. After N'Doul relates his sad story about his little brother dying and him going blind at a young age...
    Jotaro: Dude, Ray.
    N'Doul: What?
    Jotaro: That was a flashback in Ray.
    N'Doul: Nigga, are you tellin' me a blind man saw Ray?
    Jotaro: Well you could have read the autobiography.
    N'Doul: Nigga, are you tellin' me a blind motherfucker like me can read a BOOK? With WORDS in it?
    Jotaro: You could've used Braille.
    N'Doul: What the fuck is Braille?
    Jotaro: It's what blind people use to read.
    {Beat}
  • "Hey, kid, thanks for dealing a fair game." "YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE!"
  • "F*ck you tables, f*ck you plates- ooh, I'll take these knives."
  • "Is Dio Brando going to have to choke a bitch? [...] Because I, Dio, seriously believe that I, Dio, have not done enough bitch-choking since I've been here."
    • "It's funny because there are bitches in the way that need to move."
  • "But before we end this series, I wanna do something special. You thinking what I'm thinking, kids?" "Comment special!!!" "Massive orgy- comment special. Yeah. That's what I... That's what I meant to say."
    Dio: Hey, look over there. It's Tuesday.
    Jotaro: FAJITAAAS!!!
    • "...Boneraff. ...Boneraff. Bon. Er. Aff. ...Boneraff. ...Boneraff."
    • "Who's Andrew W—Go kill yourself."
    • When Dio swears in anger at Jotaro pointing out that having friends on Face Book doesn't actually count a having friends:
    Jotaro: You're not friends with RoboCop.
    Dio: YES I AM! IT SAYS SO ON FACEBOOK!!
    Jotaro: Facebook doesn't count!
    Dio: Yes it does!! SHUT UP!! Shut your fucking mouth you stupid, stupid man!
    Jotaro: DIO! Don't you know that swearing on the internet is a serious offense punishable by ban?!
    Jotaro: You....actually saw the Drawn Together movie?
    Dio: Hey, you're talking to the guy who set a dog on fire when he was 12. *Flashes back to Danny the dog bursting from a furnace on fire*
    Jonathan in flashback: DANNY! You son of a biiiiiiiitch!
    • This exchange at the end:
    Dio: Well, the sun's coming out, and I'm afraid I must make my departure.
    Jotaro: Yeah, you better. Don't want you to sparkle to death.
  • "Alright Paul!" "You know it man!"
    • Chief Steroidicus admitting to only wanting to "see some fucking titties" as his reason for always wanting to have a sexy naked chick nearby, and asking if that makes him a bad person.
    Aztec guy: Sir, if you really want to see boobs, why don't you just use the internet?
    Chief Steroidicus: Do you know how hard it is to get a signal in the year 12 FUCKING BC?! Even if I GOT a signal, I don't know any sites to go to! And don't tell me to use Google Images because every time I do I get JACK SHIT!
    Aztec guy: Did you turn off the Safe Search?
    Chief Steroidicus: ...you just made the next 12 weeks of my schedule full.
  • JOTARO IS THE BUILDING!
  • When Polnareff tells the gang they'll go to hell when he kills them.
    Joseph: Ha! Joke's on you asshole. Abdul's Muslim, so when he dies he goes to Mcdonalds. Face!
    • And as of the eighth episode, it's confirmed!
    Abdul: (At King Yemma's place) Ahhhhhhhh!!! I f** king hate white people!!!
    Abdul: Is everything alright, Mr Joestar?
    Joseph: Oh, it's nothing, Abdul. I've just had bad experiences with planes.
    Abdul: Really? Why?
    Joseph: Oh, I just kamikazed an immortal god into a active volcano. I remember it like it was yesterday... *Arthur flashback sound.*
    Past!Joseph: "HOLY FUCKING JESUS CHRIST HOW THE FUCK DO I FLY THIS THING?! HOLY JESUS- WHAT THE FUCK?!? FUCKING PIRANHAS! FUCKING PIRANHAS!! FUCKING PIRANHAS!!! WHAT THE FUCK? WHERE THE FUCK DID THE OCTOPUS COME FROM? WHAT IN GOOD JESUS, WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!'
    Cars: Fabulous~.
    Past!Joseph: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS OH MY GOD!!! *CRASH*
    Joseph: "And that's how I got my artificial hand. Good times... Good Times."
  • And in episode seven:
    D'Arby: "Do you remember what you were doing August 13th, 1976?"
    Abdul: "What? How am I supposed to remember something so far away?"
    D'Arby: "Fine, I'll think of a more eventful time for you dut dut duhduhduhdut ah yes, do you remember what you were doing September 11th, 2001?"
    D'Arby: "Oh, but I DID, good sir! I did fuck myself. And do you know when I did it? 9/11."
    • And then a similar exchange later on:
    D'Arby: Do you remember five years ago while I was in Vegas gettin' it on with showgirls, you were still throwing rocks at tanks?
  • From episode ten:
    Dio: *tossing a ship* Enjoy your stay on the S.S. Plummet, Jotaro!
    Jotaro: That's a boat- *boat crashes into him*
  • "I say he looks like Tarzan / Beats up badguys with his hands / You think I'm crazy, but you don't under... stand."
  • From the epilogue, the Tommy Wiseau alternate reality, complete with Bad Bad Acting.
    TW!Jotaro: Oh hai Dio.
    TW!Dio: Hey, Jotaro, what's up?
    TW!Jotaro: I'm here to defeat you, motherfucker!
    TW!Dio: What? Why?
    TW!Jotaro: Because you're the one who killed my grandfather...Dio Brando!
    TW!Dio: What? That's not true, I did not kill him, that's bullsheeit, I did naaaht!
    TW!Jotaro: You are lying to me! YOU'RE TEARING ME APART DIO!!!
    TW!Dio: That's me. (Sees Iggy) Hi doggie.
    • Even better when Antfish takes a jab at himself by jumping on that bandwagon.
  • The entire Epilogue is hysterical. Especially the Guy Ritchie alternate reality.
    Ritchie!Jotaro: Oi Dio?
    Ritchie!Dio: Yea, mate.
    Ritchie!Jotaro: Where ya think Stands come from?
    Narrata': That there's Jotaro Kujo, one'a da' toughest blokes I know! One time, I sawr 'im beat up five guys just for lookin' a' 'im wrong!
    Ritchie!Dio: Say wot?
    Ritchie!Jotaro: I say where ya think Stands come from?
    Ritchie!Dio: Where do I think Stands come from? Now why the bloody fuckin' hell would I ever think o' that?
    Narrata: That there's Dio Brando, one'a da' toughest blokes I know! One time, I sawr 'im beat up five guys just for not lookin' a' 'im wrong!
    Ritchie!Dio: Arrows ya say?
    Ritchie!Jotaro: I say arrows.
    Ritchie!Dio: Now how the bloody hell does that work?
    Ritchie!Jotaro: I heard you gotta get shot by one.
    Ritchie!Dio: Shot by an arrow?
    Ritchie!Jotaro: Yeah, shot by an arrow.
    Ritchie!Dio: o'right so ya tellin' me that any loony dressed up as Robin fucking Hood can go aroun' shootin' people in the face and they get a Stand?
    Ritchie!Jotaro: They can't be regular arrows, they gotta be special arrows.
    Ritchie!Dio: Special arrows?
    Ritchie!Jotaro: Yea special arrows.
    Ritchie!Dio: An' where ya buy these special arrows, fucking Walmart?
    Ritchie!Jotaro: Nah, I think ya get 'em from an old lady.
    Ritchie!Dio: An old lady?
    Ritchie!Jotaro: Yea an old lady.
    Ritchie!Dio: So ya tellin' me I can go to any old pot o'crocket and she gimme one o' them special arrows?
    Ritchie!Jotaro: Well ya can't just get 'em from any old lady, you gotta go find a special old lady.
    Ritchie!Dio: Special old lady?
    Ritchie!Jotaro: Yea a special old lady.
    Real!Jotaro: What the hell are they talking about?!?
    Real!Dio: I have, no idea.
    Real!Jotaro: God, I thought British people spoke English.
    Real!Dio: Well bloody hell.
  • Dio in the wrestling part of the Epilogue (really just a still of Dio's head put on Chris Jericho's body) coming out to the song "I" by Dio, in reference to his speech pattern of referring to himself. Then there was the whole exchange between him and Jotaro.
    Jotaro: Dio Brando! I know this Sunday at Bloodmageddon, I'll be defending my title against you in a barbed wire steel cage chicken coop match, but I say why wait til Sunday? Let's have that match RIGHT NOW!
    Abdul as commentator: My god, Jotaro is challenging Dio tonight!
    Abdul: This is going to be a slobberknocker!
    * Dio comes in to his theme ("I" by, who else, Ronnie James Dio)*
    Dio: You know Jotaro, I was just in the back telling the producer to play my theme song for when I come out, and I don't know what's worse: your mic skills, or this city's local sports team. *booing from crowd* Unfortunately, Jotaro, I can't challenge you for the title now as I've neglected to bring my wrestling gear, but if you really want a fight, how about...your evil twin Marconi!
    *musical sting*
    Jotaro: Marconi? But he's been in a coma for 12 years for proposing to my sister Felicia on top of the Eiffel Tower?
    Dio: But I believe you missed the part where that wasn't Marconi...but your long lost father! *music sting* Of course you'd remember that if you didn't have...amnesia!
    *musical sting*
    Jotaro: What?! I don't remember ever having amnesia!
    Dio: Well yeah. Anyway, our match at Bloodmageddon is gong to have a special guest referee...my mother!
    *musical sting*
    Jotaro: Your mother...or OUR mother?!
    *musical sting, focus on Dio this time.*
    • Iggy's return in the second Wrestling World during saidsame special is also noteworthy. Especially since its just a clip from TNA Impact, and "Iggy" is literally just Samoa Joe with Iggy's head pasted on him. Oh and Iggy's name pasted over Joe's in his entrance video. Its a sight to behold.
    Polnareff: J. Geil is driven to the mat, by the power of Iggy!
  • Dio's proposed live-action adaptation of Jojo's Bizarre Adventure during the epilogue.
    Jotaro: You really think a live-action version of Jojo's Bizarre Adventure would be Bloodsport?
    Dio: I think any live-action adaptation of anything is Bloodsport.
  • In one of his bonus videos, what Pannacotta Fugo experiences in the mirror world:
    Fugo: Huh. Well, this doesn't seem too ba- OH MY GOD THEY SPELL TRASH BACKWARDS!!
    • In the same video, Giorno Giovanna expressing disbelief in a world inside a mirror despite the presence of Stands (and how Fugo himself was pulled into said mirror by Illuso) and Leone Abbacchio taking him to task for not believing in such a place. After Abbacchio's done ranting at Giorno, what's his response?
    Giorno: ...you smell nice.
    Abbacchio: *Stunned Silence*
    • And this line from Giorno when Abbacchio tells him about people who have had experiences with mirrors. Also a gag on how Polnareff appears in part 5, confined to a wheelchair.
    Giorno: What are the chances of us meeting someone like that?
    WHEELY HIGH
  • HOES AND WINE, ALL ZE TIME
  • This line from Episode 5:
    Jotaro: Huh. Surrounded by a bunch of people while trying to get my freak on. Only one word I can think of... MOSH PIIIIIIT!
  • Joseph's line from Episode 8 to Jotaro, doubling as a Crowning Moment of Heartwarming too (And a bit of Fridge Brilliance too since the real Josuke IS Joseph's illegitimate son):
    Joseph: You're like the son I will probably never, ever have... Josuke.
    Jotaro: Jotaro.
    Joseph: Johnny.
  • Akira Otoishi from Part 4 belts out a face melter.
  • Doppio was phone? Poor Vinegar Doppio has to wait for another call from his boss Diavolo. In the meantime he ends up getting calls from all sorts of people, including a Sassy Black Woman, a drunken fan demanding a Jo Jo anime and threatening Araki, Liam Neeson threatening to find and kill him, a weirdo quickly and repeatedly mumbling "PURPLE HAZE PURPLE HAZE PURPLE HAZE", and Roman Bellic. Then he accidentally shouts at Diavolo when the call finally comes in, and to top it all off, Risotto Nero's right behind him.
    Doppio: Sir, I'm so sorry for yelling at you, I-
    Nero: Look behind you.
    *Doppio looks behind him and sees Risotto Nero right behind him.*
    Doppio: IT'S METALLICA!!!
    • Even funnier is how Roman accidentally dials Doppio's number three times throughout the whole thing. Doppio EXPLODES on him the third time.
    Doppio: STOP CALLING ME!!! I'M NOT YOUR COUSIN!!! YOU'VE GOT THE WRONG NUMBER, SO STOP CALLING!!!
    Roman: Fine, shit, what crawled up your ass?
    Snake: Colonel, how the fuck do I beat Psycho Mantis?!
    Doppio: I'm not the colonel.
    Snake: Oh....do you know how to beat Psycho Mantis?
    Doppio: Just plug your controller into the second controller port.
    Atrocius: Dammit Larfleeze. Stop using the phone.
    Larfleeze: The phone's mine! All phones are mine!
  • The entire Johnny and Gyro Strip Show.
    Gyro Zeppeli: I don't suppose we could get some DECENT pasta around here!
    Johnny Joestar: Gyro, please...
    Gyro: This shit's not Al Dente, Johnny! Do you even know what that means?!
    Johnny: Yes, Gyro, I do. And I really don't care.
    • Their discussion about good comedians, then ordering lunch from Billy Burgers. Said delivery chick turns out to be Hot Pants.
  • The end of The Mother of Jolyne Kujo.
    Jotaro: Hey Jolyne. How is it going?
    (Beat)
    Jotaro: I made Fajitas~
    Jolyne: I'm allergic to Mexican!
    Jotaro: I HAVE NO DAUGHTER!!!

Phantom Blood
  • The last line of Episode 1
    Dio: I, Dio, am going to set his f**king dog on FIRE!
  • Jonathan and Dio's first meeting after Dio jumps out of a carriage in a rather fabulous manner.
    Jonathan: Wow, that was quite the foreboding entrance! You must be Dio Brando!
    Dio: And you must be Jonathan Joest-
    Jonathan: I heard your parents are dead!
    Dio: ...Oh, we are going to get along swimmingly.
  • George Joestar is a walking Funny Moment.
    George: Years ago there was a terrible stage coach accident that killed my dear wife. But luckily, Dio's father was around to save me!
    flashback
    Dario Brando: Oi, let's rob this dead guy! [hand slapped away] ACK!
    George: You have saved me and my mustache's life, good sir! Before I can offer you my gratitude, let me ask you. How do you like your steak?
    Dario: Er... Medium rare?
    George: ...Your son can stay with us when you die.
    present day
    George: Now then, Dio, I want to introduce you to my son, Jonathan. Just like you, his mother's dead as well! So you will both have so much in common!
    Dio: I'm sure me and Jonathan are going to be the best of friends.
    George: Splendid! Well, I'm off. It's almost scotch-'o-clock.
    • And at the end of the episode:
    George: Jonathan! Dio! What in the porterhouse sirloin is going on here!? How many times have I told you two, if you're going to spill blood, put plastic on the floor first! Now both of you go to your rooms!
  • Jonathan pukes offscreen directly after saving Erina.
    Erina: Jonathan Joestar... such a gentleman...
    Jonathan: *audible retching* Ohh, sweet Benedict Cumberbatch, when did I eat corn?!!
    Erina: ...such a gentleman...
  • The frequent use and/or mention of dubstep, hashtags, and YOLO during the time period it takes place in is nothing short of hilarious.
  • The medicine Dario's been taking finally starts working... moments after Dio has already buried him.
    Dario: Hello? Dio? I think the counterclaimical kicked in. Hello? Why's it smell like Gangnam Style in here?!
  • Jonathan claiming that he won't easily get upset since he's a perfect gentleman...only to be cut off by one of the bullies showing off a photo of Dio kissing Erina. Cue Ultimate Rage.
    Jonathan: Erina, hey! *She runs off crying*
    Jonathan: Erina, wait! Was it something I didn't say?!
    Kid 1: Hey, JoJo! Guess you didn't hear what happened yesterday, huh!
    Jonathan: What?! What happened?!
    Kid 2: I took a picture of it on Instagram! But I don't want ya gettin' upset.
    Jonathan: Oh, please, I'm a gentleman! *Ultimate Rage in 3, 2, 1...* Nothing ever gets me upset-
    *Cut off by photo of Dio and Erina kissing. Cue rushing cut to the Joestar household*
    Dio: What's a three letter word for...total dick...
    Jonathan: DIO!!!!!
    Dio: Hey, that works.
    ** What makes it even funnier is how the bullies are dressed when they deliver this news to Jonathan.
  • Jonathan telling other kids how his boxing match with Dio went.
    Ali G-sounding kid: Eyy, Jonathan, we 'eard ya had a bo...bo...BOXin' match against Dio.
    Jonathan: Oh, yes, we did. Truly, it was a back and forth match.
    *Cut to Jonathan getting a fist to the face.*
    Jonathan: And we both played by the rules.
    *Cut to Jonathan getting poked in the eye by Dio's thumb: clear violation of boxing rules.*
    Jonathan: Both competitors were given equal praise.
    *Cut to a trembling, beaten Jonathan on the ground and one crowd goer shouting "JONATHAN GOT THE SHIT BEAT OUT OF HIM!"*
  • A Dinner with the Joestars quickie, where the people were laughing and joking around until Jonathan says that the steak is merely okay.
    George: I... murdered... this cow... in front of her own children! I did this so that when they're grown up and ready to eat, their vengeance will give them such immaculate flavor it will dance on my palette!
    • And during this statement at one point it the camera focuses on Dio, and when George mentions murdering said cow in front of her children, you can hear a very... curious springing sound.
    • And some extreme Mood Whiplash at the end, when Jonathan asks Dio if he's seen Danny anywhere. Danny trapped in the oven is pure horror, but then Dio responds to Jonathan...
    Dio: ... Nnnnope.
  • And the Second Course afterward. Setting Danny on fire was NOT enough for Dio.
    Dio: So, Jonathan, how do you like the dinner I made for you? Sorry if its a little...burnt.
    Jonathan: *Looks slowly from his paw-shaped bit of meat to Dio.*
    Dio: *hurried whisper* Don'tfuckwithme.
  • From episode 2...
    • And after that...
    Dio: Heh, God's vagina. Everyone knows God's a tranny.
    • Even funnier is that, since "Dio" is Italian for God, Dio might not have been referring to God, but rather himself.
  • Jonathan's first meeting with Robert Edward O. Speedwagon
  • Dio's priceless response when he punched Jonathan in the face on a whim, only to realize he was unfazed and now even more suspicious of Dio poisoning George Joestar.
  • When Jonathan has Mr. Butler take care of George full-time, George naturally asks...
    Mr. Butler: Uhh, actually sir, I'm a vegetarian.
    George: -cocks a shotgun with "Joanna Joestar" written on it- Why don't you just move along?
  • George gives yet another steak joke. Unfortunately, it's his last.
    George: Dio, I must say I'm incredibly disappointed in you. Before you're taken away, let me ask you: how do you like your steak?
    Dio: (nervously) Uh...medium-rare?
    George: Well, too bad! Because all you're getting is porked! Ha ha, zinged ya!
  • Jonathan's Reaction after reading Dairo Brando's Letter to Dio?
    Jonathan: "Holy Acidtrip!"
  • Jonathan's reason why his father can't be sick, but poisoned: the disease he suffers from involves low sex drive, and...
    Jonathan: THE JOESTAR SEX DRIVE CANNOT BE DIMINISHED BY MERE SICKNESS!
  • Jonathan's wordplay:
    Jonathan: I'll get this medicine analyzed! And then they'll send you to jail, where you'll get anal-yzed! *WORDPLAY*
  • The "fight" between Jonathan and Speedwagon:
    Speedwagon (after throwing his Razor Hat): Nyo ho ho! (leaves himself open to attack) You should never leave yourself open during a fi- (sees Jonathan rushing towards him with a train sound effect) Oh no...
  • Right after Jonathan kicks him, Speedwagon falls in slow motion while "In My Dreams" by REO Speedwagon plays in the background.
  • The One-Scene Wonder that is Barry the Slinger.
    Barry the Slinger: Yeah! Yeah, I'm gonna sling ya!
  • From Episode 3:
    Dio: Now, let's see what's behind Curtain Number 1. *opens curtain, it (and Dio) catch on fire* AH! FIRE! FIRE'S BEHIND CURTAIN NUMBER 1!
    • Jonathan escapes the fire and climbs up onto the balcony, giving the viewers a close-up of his butt with a brief shot of a fangirl pinching it.
    • During the fight between Jonathan and Dio:
    Dio:Never leave yourself open, Jona—(Jonathan charges Dio to the sound of a train) Seriously, let me finish my sentences!
  • Jack the Ripper's entrance? Screaming "FLUTTERSHY IS BEST PONY!" and then immediately impaling his own face.
    Jack the Ripper: Oh I can't wait to love and tolerate his guts all over the floor!
    • Jack's last words:
    Jack the Ripper: SAVE ME, TARA STRONG!
  • As George lays dying, he berates Jonathan for believing in Heaven and Hell, saying reincarnation and karma is the real deal. In The Stinger George has been reincarnated as a baby calf.
    Speedwagon: Just as the song depicts, George's spirit has become one with Jonathan's. Oh, this is such a touching moment! Wouldn't you agr—
    (The inspector's upper head is sliced off)
    Speedwagon:...WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
    Dio: (Internal monologue) Who knew you could get a boner upside down?
    • The reaction to Dio's resurrection as a vampire:
    Constable: Impossible! I've never seen someone so white take so many bullets to the chest!
    Speedwagon: Even Speedwagon is afraid!
  • Zeppeli is Sean Connery. That is all.
  • Zeppeli's question about books that say fire can kill vampires is a case of Fridge Funny.
    Zeppeli: In what textbook does it say that a vampire can be killed by fire? I mean just because they rhyme doesn't necessarily mean that one can kill the other. You ever notice that "heart attacks" and "fat people" don't really rhyme?
  • Erina saying that Dio kissing her left her unable to say anything beyond "kya"s and "aahs".
    • And when Zeppeli asks Jonathan and Erina to accompany him to a desolate river, Erina has this to add.
    Erina:...kyaaaah? *eyebrow raise*
  • Zeppeli does the frog punch.
    Zeppeli: So, then, you want me to explain to you how I did what I did, correct?
    Jonathan: Yes please, that would greatly appreciated.
    Zeppeli: Well then, I wouldn't be able to do this!! *goes to punch the frog.*
    Peppy Hare: Slippy, watch out!
    BAM! Rock is destroyed. Slippy is unhurt.
    Slippy Toad: I thought I was a goner!
    Zeppeli: Jonathan, this power is called the Ripple! Or Hamon. Or Sendo, whichever you like to call it, I don't give a fuck.
  • Zeppeli and Speedwagon's interactions:
    • While riding in the carriage:
    Speedwagon: Do you really think Dio could be in this small town, Mr. Zeppeli?
    Zeppeli: Why, that's a very good question, person I didn't invite on this dangerous mission.
    Speedwagon: Well, my name is Speedwagon.
    Zeppeli: Whoops, I just dropped all the f&@ks I don't give.
    Speedwagon: Do you need help picking them up?
    • After meeting Jack the Ripper:
    Zeppeli: All right, lad, here's your first test: defeat the enemy without spilling a single sip of this wine. If you do, I'll abandon your party, leaving you here with Speedwagon. Who I'm sure will be a great asset fighting zombies and vampires.
    Speedwagon: Nyo ho! Why thank you for that vote of confidence!
    (beat)
    Zeppeli: God I wish you were a woman so I could hit you.
    • And the ending:
    Zeppeli: It's like I always say: You always fight better with a little glass of wine.
    (beat)
    Speedwagon: Even Speedwagon thought that ending was weak!
    Zeppeli: Go fuck your mother.
  • The new comment special hosted by Zeppeli and Speedwagon. Speedwagon offers Zeppeli an entire room filled with what appears to be wine to Zeppeli in exchange for hosting said special together. Except...
    Speedwagon: Oh, that's not wine!
    Zeppeli:...it's not?
    Speedwagon: Nope! It's purple tanning oil! You never know when you might run into half-naked men in need of glistening!
    Zeppeli: *reading a comment* "Mr. Zeppeli, would you kindly kick the ever-present Speedwagon in the groin with extreme prejudice please?" *does so*
    Zeppeli: If you need me I'll be shopping for more hats.
    Speedwagon: Even Speedwagon can't have kids!
  • Speedwagon's sudden intrusion at the start, upon hearing Zeppeli introducing himself as "William A. "Glazed and Bitchin'" Zeppeli":
    Zeppeli: Now, let's get started-
    Speedwagon: SPEEDWAGON ENTERS UNEXPECTEDLY!!
    Zeppeli:...Speedwagon...what...are ya doin' here.
    Speedwagon: Oh hi, Mr. Zeppeli! I was just on the other side of town when I heard someone use the word "glazed!" That got me excited for the proposition that there might be donuts about!
    Zeppeli: What in the Jesus Paint-huffing Christ is a donut?
    Speedwagon: OOOOOOH, its the most delicious of treats! It's like a wheel, but it tastes like a unicorn's dreams...
    Zeppeli: That sounds like the gayest thing anyone's ever eaten.
    Speedwagon: Then you've never eaten Lucky Charms before!
    • And Speedwagon's big ambition he'd fulfill if he became incredibly rich:
    Speedwagon: Oooh, I know EXACTLY what I'm going to do!
    Zeppeli: Let me guess, you're gonna start some kind of foundation to help out researching bizarre happenings?
    Speedwagon: Nope! I'm going to buy Candy Land!
    Zeppeli: ...you're going to buy...Candy Land?
    Speedwagon: I don't want to just buy Candy Land, I want to be the Duke-King-President!
    Zeppeli: ...you want to buy...a fictional land...and give yourself the fictional monarchy...of Duke-King-President.
    Speedwagon: Yup! There'll be a Strawberry Lake, Gumdrop Roads, Blueberry Clouds, Fudgesicle Streetlamps, OOH! And Caramel Carousels! They can be called Caramesels!
    Zeppeli:...shoot for the fucking stars, kid.
    Speedwagon: Only if they're made of butterscotch!
    Threadzeppelin.webs.co.uk.org.rar
    Email - Plowing@yourmothershouse.underscore
    Number - What's a phone?
    69 Fuck If I Know Ave.
    • When asked how he likes his wine, Zeppeli replies thus:
    Zeppeli: I like my wine like I like my women - 30 years old, in abundance and smart enough to know when to keep her mouth shut. *sips wine* Now I'm not saying that I've never hit a woman before. *sips again* But I'm also saying that I never not have. *sips again.* Which means I totally have. *sips again* I mean, why would I ever discriminate on who I can and can't hit based on what's between the legs? *sips again* Trust me, if a man with labia flaps as wide as a manta ray asks me why I have a Scottish accent if I'm Italian, I'm pretty entitled to lay the smackdown on the bastard. *sips again* It's 1888, people! We ALL deserve equality!
    Speedwagon: Even black people?
    Zeppeli: Ohoho, Speedwagon, we'll leave Los Angeles to do that.
  • Chicken or fish?
    Zeppeli: Vaginas.
  • Zeppeli's opinion on the name "Caesar".
    Zeppeli: I would rather die than know anyone who is named after a salad.
  • Episode 4 gives us a slew of wrestling references such as Tarkus and Bruford now being based off of The Big Show and Chris Jericho respectively.
    • The start of the episode where Poco steals the group's things:
    Speedwagon: Oh no! All of our money has been stolen! By British Tom Sawyer!
    Zeppeli: Don't fret, Speedwagon! Though his mind is not for rent...
    Jonathan: Don't put him down as arrogant.
    Zeppeli: His reserve, a quiet defense...
    Jonathan: Riding out the day's events. *Rush member Geddy Lee rises up behind Jonathan's shoulder*
    • When Jonathan whacks Poco off the cliff and catches him:
    Zeppeli: The kid almost died.
    Poco: Blimey! This ain't Mississippi pool! And you're not Huckleberry Finn!
    Jonathan: That's because my father wasn't a racist drunk! *beat* Okay, well he wasn't racist. *Another beat. Jonathan then whispers...* He hated Chinese people.
    • The zombies attack:
    Zeppeli: Heads up, lads! These maggot-fucked bastards got an icier grip than me ex-wife!
  • Dio's entrance and slag-off match with Zeppeli:
    Speedwagon: SPEEDWAGON POINTS NERVOUSLY!
    Dio: Mwahahahahahah! Surprise, bitch! Bet you thought you'd seen the last of me!
    Jonathan: Dio!
    Zeppeli: So that David Bowie lookin' son of a toothless hank-a-shank is Dio, eh?
    Dio: Oh. My. Dio! It's WillyWonka!
    Zeppeli: Tell me, ya bastard! How many lives have ya sucked away to heal those wounds?! *Dio lifts his shirt revealing a whole bunch of tattoos including one reading "DIO SIZED" with arrows pointing...downward.*
    Dio: Do you remember how many breads you've eaten in your life?
    Zeppeli: As a matter of fact, I do. It was enough to fuck your mother last night.
    Dio: Well well, the Monopoly Man has jokes!
    Zeppeli: The only joke I see is the one that came out of your mother's spasm chasm. Which let me remind ya...fucked her!
    Dio: WANNA FUCKIN' GO, PRINGLES BITCH? If you're feelin' hungry then pop!
    Zeppeli: Gladly! JONATHAN! Leave this Ziggy Stardust freak bastard to me!
    • When Zeppeli goes for a punch and fails thanks to Dio grabbing and freezing his hand:
    Dio: Paper covers rock, bitch. *Freezes Zeppeli's arm*
    Zeppeli: Oh no! I'm about to suck the icy tit of defeat! *His ice-covered arm shatters and bleeds*
    Dio: Without a proper bloodstream, your Ripple is as useless as a degree in astrological science! *Goes for a finishing blow only for Jonathan to interfere*
    Jonathan: This coming from the man who majored in the history of biological mutation between humans and cats?!
    Zeppeli: The fuck is wrong with you, man?
    Dio: DON'T TALK SHIT ABOUT MY MAN-CATS!!
    • Speedwagon very homoerotically unfreezing Zeppeli's arm. "Just let it happen..."
  • Dio summoning Tarkus and Bruford, and their backstory especially the way Queen Elizabeth I is portrayed:
    Bruford: WE ARE THE GREATEST TAG TEAM OF THE 16TH CENTURY!
    Tarkus: Executed by a ruthless tyrant!
    Queenie: I'm Queen Elizabeth and YOU'RE EXECUTED!!!
    Executioner: We wish you all the best in all your future endeavours IN HELL!
    Dio: And as free agents of the damned, they're now under contract with I, Dio!
  • Dio's parting words:
    Dio: So, my knights, have fun destroying Jonathan and the others, I, Dio, am going to find myself a lovely woman to help paint this Old English town red! Mwahahahahahahahahahahaha!! It's a double period joke! *vanishes in a puff of blood*
  • Bruford's only gimmick - his hair.
  • Bruford gets Jonathan tangled in his hair:
    Jonathan: I've passed enough Japanese adult literature shops to know where THIS is going!
    Bruford: DIE, ASSCLOWN! *Goes for the kill only for Jonathan to block his blade and use...*
    Jonathan: NOW!! SILVER ARM MELTER OVERDRIVE!!
    Speedwagon: Vintage!
  • Jonathan slips in a Botchamania reference:
    Jonathan: TO HELL WITH YOU, BRUFORD!
    Bruford: I'M FROM WINNIPEG YOU IDIOT!
  • What is Jonathan's Sunlight Yellow Overdrive now? YELLOW INSTANT FACE-TURN OVERDRIVE!!
  • As the newly face-turned Bruford crumbles away from the Ripple...
    Bruford: What's happening to me? I don't feel like insulting local sports teams or mentioning obesity rates. I feel...whole.
    Jonathan: My Overdrive has brought your noble Lionheart back, Bruford.
    Bruford: Jonathan...thank you. For this, I give you my most cherished possession.
    Jonathan: Your hair?
    Bruford: Go fuck yourself, assclown....my sword. LUCK. *uses his blood to add a P to the hilt" But for the rebranding purposes it shall be named...PLUCK.
    Jonathan: But why? Why are you giving me this sword?
    Bruford: Because...you're...worth it...
  • Tarkus smashes up Bruford's armour...
    Tarkus: FINALLY! Now that he's gone, I can finally start my solo career! I think I'll start my massive push by KILLING ALL OF YOU hey come back. *The gang escape on a leaf hang glider made by Zeppeli*
    Speedwagon: It looks like we're flying by night away from danger! Get it?....Get it?...Zeppeli, do you-
    Zeppeli: I FUCKING GET IT, SPEEDWAGON.
  • Seeing Tarkus flying through the night into a castle prompts this from Zeppeli:*
    Zeppeli: I haven't seen a cow fly that fast since I back-handed my third wife!
    Speedwagon: I didn't know you could marry bovine!
  • Poco remarking on how the Chamber of the Two Headed Dragon looks creepier than Winston Churchill's Trailer Sex Dungeon Emporium. Cue the advertisement. Look out, Jonathan!
  • when Poco manages to get inside the chamber...
    Poco: I did it! That was easier than my cousin after a pint of Bud Light!
    Tarkus: GOOD FOR YOU! *whacks him away*
  • Zeppeli's final words are telling Jonathan to take care of Erina...specifically in bed...orally. Neither Jonathan nor Speedwagon get what he's talking about (but Speedwagon gets very excited any time his innuendos bring up sweets).
    Zeppeli: And word to the wise - don't do it after you've eaten a jalapeno, you'll kill her!
  • And at the end...
    Jonathan: What's that!?
    Speedwagon: I don't know!

Jetters AbridgedFunny/The Abridged SeriesThe Legend of Zelda: The Abridged Series

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