Funny / Jeff Foxworthy

• In "NASA and Alabama" (Games Rednecks Play): "HEY HOUSTAAAAAN! It's dark as crap up here. Wait a minute I did it wrong. Break 1-9!" And it goes uphill from there.
  "Hey, we gotta know how to unclog the toilet! The boys ate all the freeze-dried chili, and they're tore up somethin' bad!"
• In one skit, he remembers a time when he was dating a girl who never told him that she had another boyfriend. Said boyfriend, who is very large, knocks on his door and demands to know what he's doing with her. Foxworthy's retort? "I'm cutting her damn hair, and you're just gonna have to wait, all right?!" in the sissiest, gayest voice you could imagine, because he was thinking with his brain instead of panicking.
• On his wife, the hypochondriac: "You do not have testicular cancer. You don't even have testiculars!"
• In one skit, he offers a way for designated drivers to have fun: stop at every gas station you come to, pretend to put gas in the tank, then ask your drunk companions to pay for it.
• In "The Clampetts Go to Maui" (Games Rednecks Play), about what happened when Jeff took his extended family to Hawaii, the in-flight movie on the way down was Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey. Jeff's brother felt the need to point out "You know that ain't them dogs' real voice!" Jeff's sister responds, "Well, thanks for spoiling it for everybody else!"
  • "When are we gonna change our money to Hawai'ian money?"
  • That whole bit is loaded with them, between Jeff's brother wondering how much it costs to mount a whale, the peeing for distance contest (that Aunt Rose won) to everyone picking the hotel clean.
• Later on the same album, he went to visit his brother but found a note on the front door telling him said brother had to run to the office, that he'd be back in five minutes, and the location of the extra key to his apartment.
  Jeff: Your only hope is a blind burglar.
• When discussing the habit of Michiganders pointing to their hands to indicate locations in the state (since Michigan's Lower Peninsula is famously shaped like a mitten), he says "Thank God y'all aren't from Florida!" (Florida is famously shaped like...a male-exclusive reproductive organ.)
  "Miami? No, I believe you. I believe you."
• "For itchy, watery eyes, it's Flora Flor. Side effects may include..."
• Jeff doesn't invoke it much, but he can be an effective Deadpan Snarker towards his friends. When asked if he saw Delta Farce (which starred his Blue Collar co-stars Larry the Cable Guy and Bill Engvall), he replied "No, but I flushed a ten dollar bill down the toilet, so I feel like I saw it."
  • He's also more than happy to snark about Larry's catchphrase "Git R Done".
    Jeff: At least "You might be a redneck" is kind of a punchline. "Git R Done" feels like Latin for "This is where the punchline was supposed to go."
• Several of the "You might be a redneck" jokes end up hitting this sweet spot.
  • "If the word 'NASCAR' is in your wedding vows."
  • "If your panty lines can be seen from aerial photographs."
  • "If you've ever been too drunk to fish."
  • "If your family tree does not fork."
  • "If you've ever had to carry a bucket of paint to the top of a water tower to defend your sister's honor."
  • "If you've been married three times and still have the same in-laws."
  • "If a tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements."
  • "If you mow your lawn and find a car."^note Alternate version: "If you've ever cut your grass and found a car."
  • "If your home is mobile but your vehicle isn't."
  • "If you think The Nutcracker is something you did off the high-dive."
  • "If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves shoes and a flashlight."
  • "If your dog passes gas and you claim it."
  • "If your dad's cell number has nothing to do with a telephone."
  • "If you've ever gone to the family reunion to meet women."
    Jeff: I think we offended somebody out here. "That ain't funny, is it, sis?"
  • "If directions to your house include the words 'turn off the paved road.'"
  • "If you think the last words of the national anthem are 'Gentlemen, start your engines.'"
  • "If you do yardwork without a shirt on... and so does your husband."
  • "If the UFO hotline limits you to one call per day."
  • "If your working television sits on top of your non-working television."
  • "If you've ever worn a tube top to a funeral home."
    • Bill Engvall followed this up with "If you ever opened a beer can during a eulogy," which was something that his Uncle Jack actually did.
    • Jeff then followed that up with something that Bill did: "If you've ever ridden an electric floor buffer."
      Bill: Wait, wait, wait. Tequila was involved. Get off me!
      Jeff: Wonder how many times his wife has said that.
  • "If you missed fifth grade graduation because you had jury duty."
  • "If an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger changed your life."
  • "If your dad walks you to school because you're both in the same grade."
  • "If you see a sign that says 'Say NO to Crack' and it reminds you to pull up your jeans."
  • "If you've been on TV more than five times describing what the tornado sounded like."
  • "If your underwear doubles as your bathing suit."^note After this, Foxworthy noted there was "a lot of finger-pointing going on" in the audience.
  • "If you think The Silence of the Lambs is what happens when Larry goes out to the barn."
  • "If there is an electronic singing fish in more than one room in your house."^note After this, Larry, Bill, and Ron point at Jeff, which Jeff confirms by raising his hand. Bill even holds up four fingers.
  • "If you've ever been accused of lying through your tooth."
  • "If every day someone comes to your door mistakenly thinking you're having a yard sale."
  • "If you wear a dress that is strapless with a bra that isn't."^note Larry raises his hand, and Jeff says, "Try sleeping tonight thinking about that."
  • "If you ever used a bar stool as a walker."^note Ron slowly raises his hand after everyone else looks right at him.
  • "If you think a 401(k) is your mother-in-law's bra size."
  • "If you refer to your wife and your mother-in-law as dual airbags."
  • "If someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle."
  • "If someone hollers 'hoedown!' and your girlfriend hits the floor."
  • "If you stared long and hard at a can of orange juice because it said 'concentrate'."
  • "If your mother doesn't take her Marlboro out of her mouth before telling the state patrolman to kiss her ass."
  • "If you think 'fast food' is hitting a deer at 65 miles per hour."
  • "If someone tells you there's something in your teeth, and you take them out just to see what it is."
  • "If you have a flyswatter in the front seat of the car just so you can hit them in the back seat of the car."
  • "If you ever made change in the offering plate."^note Jeff notes he is "guilty" of this.
  • "If you think a 'quarter horse' is that ride outside K-Mart."
  • "If you own a collection of salad bowls and they all say 'Cool Whip' on the side."
  • "If you smoked during your wedding."
  • "If you refer to the fifth grade as 'my senior year.'"
  • "If you own a Waffle House credit card."
  • "If both your wallet and your dog are on a chain."
  • "If the biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart."
  • "If you ever had your nipples bitten off by a beaver."^note A Call-Back to an earlier joke in the film.
  • Jeff even comes up with one on the spot when he gives an autograph to a guy wearing a work shirt that says "Mike"...except the guy's name is Bob, and he's wearing his friend's shirt.
    "To Bob: If you wear somebody else's work shirt, you might be a redneck."
• Some of the "Redneck Words":
  • Aorta: "Aorta^note They oughta cut that grass down by the park."
  • Initiate: "My wife ate three hamburgers, initiate^note And then she ate a bag o' potato chips."
  • Asinine: "I'll give her face a two, and her asinine^note Ass a nine."
  • Juicy: "Juicy^note Did you see the look on his face."
  • Boysenberry: "Grab the boysenberry^note Boys and bury the guy before the cops show up!"
  • Hunger: "We all started laughing when Grandma hunger^note hung her bra on the clothesline."
  • Sandwich: "My bathing suit was full of sandwich^note sand, which made my butt itch."
  • Widjadidja: "Ya didn't bring yer truck widjadidja^note With you, did you?"
  • Mayonnaise: "Mayonnaise^note Man there's a lot of people here tonight!"

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