Funny / Jasper Carrott

  • The entirety of the Back to the Front show about his 25th wedding anniversary trip to Thailand and Bali.
  • The entirety of The Magic Roundabout sketch.
  • His mother-in-law's driving.
    "She's never been in an accident... seen loads though."
  • Insurance Claims.
    "The bloke was all over the road! I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
  • His whole routine about the British government turning the Sellafield Nuclear Power Station into a tourist attraction.
  • His talking about his native Birmingham's "Spaghetti Junction" (a complicated multidecker motorway) being called that because "they made a right bolognese of it".
  • While talking about the content of different women's magazines:
    "Articles in Women's Own are always about either royals, needlework or cooking. The ideal Women's Own article would be "How To Macrame Prince Charles Out Of Pot Noodles"!
  • This line from Commercial Breakdown 2:
    "I was talking earlier about the subtle but essentially destablizing effects of advertising on our culture and on the deleterious effect it has on the fabric on comtemptious society. You know, just before the farting elephant."
  • In Beat the Carrott, Jasper describes his job as a lorry driver for George Mason's, a supermarket in the posh Birmingham suburb of Solihull. After setting the stage with stories about invariably having his right leg shagged by every male dog on his grocery delivery route, then picking up posh girls in dance clubs just to see their faces when they saw they'd be going home in a giant lorry, he joins the two together with a story of a girl who was actually delighted to ride in his lorry and invited him to meet her family - including her Afghan hound, Sebastian.
    "I had no chance! 'WAAAAAAGGGHHH!' (shakes his right leg furiously and begins kicking) 'GET HIM OFF MEEEE!!' They were beating him with bricks and sticks! (mimes doing so, then goes back to shaking his leg) 'HELP MEEEEE!' (posh voice) 'Kick his balls!' (looks confused, then mimes trying to deliver a Groin Attack to the dog shagging his leg) (posh voice) 'The ones on the LAWN!' (looks embarrassed) Anyone can make a mistake! There were tears in my eyes, let alone his!"
  • After taking the stage in The Unrecorded Jasper Carrott, Jasper proves that the special is airing live by producing a television tuned to ITV - which, sure enough, is showing a picture of him holding a television showing a picture of him holding a television showing etc. And just to show that he doesn't simply have the television tuned to a camera feed in the theatre, he switches to the other side and deliberately "spoils" the programmes (which were indeed airing opposite him on 18 February 1979):
    "(switches to BBC1) That's, er, that's BBC1. (laughs) It's a really boring film!note  It's got Lauren Bacall in it, and, er, actually, she- she isn't a housewife, she is in fact a Russian spy and she's the murderer! So if you're thinking of switching over, forget it! (switches to BBC2) There's Shakespeare on Side 2!note  He's dead, you know, Shakespeare! I didn't even know he'd been ill! On ITV, we've got- (switches over to... static; laughs) Interference! Oh, you didn't like the Katie Boyle joke- hang on a moment- (picture comes back) There we go!"