Funny / JMS' Spider-Man

  • Loki and Spider-Man enjoying New York hot dogs together:
    Loki: What are the green bits?
    Spidey: Nobody knows...
  • Leo Zelinksy, the super tailor, calling out Spider-Man as a street-level native.
    Leo: Ask me again in that Queens accent how I know you're from around here.
  • Leo, again, describing the reading habits of superheroes that frequent his shop:
    Leo: Thor... reads gardening magazines. And Modern Bride. I figure he's either a real romantic kind of guy, or his hammer leans a little to the left, if you know what I'm saying.
  • In the landmark issue Spider-Man #500, Spidey has to travel through time in order to reach the present, and has to relive many of his past adventures. He goes from a gruelling match with Electro, to reliving his failure to save Betty Brant's brother, to... Mysterio. And just when he thinks he's going to catch a break...
    Spider-Man: ...Oh crud...
  • Aunt May has several...
    • Starting a campaign to get more recognition for Spider-Man as a legit super-hero by writing to multiple publications and news shows, including personally telling J. Jonah Jameson she is canceling her Daily Bugle subscription after many years.
    • Silencing a foul-mouthed and obnoxious cell phone user in line at the bank by knocking his phone out of his hands, utterly destroying it, and quoting back at him it was a "freaking accident" and silently daring him to assault a smiling old lady in public.
    • When she replaced Jarvis in the kitchen to cook the Avengers' breakfast, Wolverine saw it and wasn't happy. In response to his complaints, May took the cigar from his mouth, put it into his glass of whiskey and said there's no smoking and no drinking before noon, leaving Marvel's biggest badass completely speechless. The look on his face...
  • Morlun going clothes shopping. He likes looking sharp when he feeds off of superheroes. Funnier since Peter and Ezekiel both feared he was out doing horrible evil stuff and / or plotting their deaths at the time.
    Morlun: Do these pants make my butt look fat?
  • While on a plane to find out more about Digger, a flight attendant flirts with Spidey, telling him he can leave the mask on. It then cuts to him having made a wall of webbing to keep her away from him, yet still demanding that she pass food through.
  • The moment when Peter and his family are living in Stark Tower with the Avengers was kinda funny. Peter and MJ are just waking up, when Tony, using a speaker built into a model parrot, requests his presence. MJ, clad in only a bra and a thong and a little confused, has just one thing to ask. It's left to interpretation as to whether Tony was joking or not.
    MJ: Tony?
    Tony: Yes MJ?
    MJ: That parrot... Tell me it's only a speaker, right? You can't see us right?
    Tony: The parrot is only a speaker, I can't see you. (beat) Nice tan by the way.
    (MJ walks away, using a discarded bra to cover the parrot's eyes)
    Tony: I'm joking, I swear! Hello? Is this thing on?
  • Peter has one of his doubtful inner monologues, which gets completely derailed when he notices a spider.
    Peter: At the end of the day, what am I? (notices a spider) And why the heck is there always one of you guys around when I start asking questions like this?
  • Spider-Man throwing Wolverine out of Tony Stark's self proclaimed unbreakable glass. The rest of the Avengers end up commentating on how the glass was supposed to be unbreakable, ignoring the fact that Peter threw Logan out of a skyscraper. The real kicker is come a few pages later, Logan is grumbling about how Peter couldn't take a joke.
  • After Mary Jane, Peter and Aunt May find out that her film role is... the Amazing Lobster-Man.
    MJ: (through clenched-teeth) One word - just one - and I kill you dead. Right here. Right now.
  • In JMS' very first issue we see Spidey still hurting over his recent seperation from Mary Jane. He vents his anger by aboslutely thrashing a derelict building (using a pillar as a club no less!) before realising the damage he's caused and quitely slips away. A demolition crew arrives on the scene to begin tearing the building down...only for it to collapse immediately. They then break for lunch.
  • An airport security guard looking up from a beeping metal detector to see Doctor Doom, in full armor, walking through the machine.
  • In one issue, while Peter is trying to find the home of one of his students, he asks a woman who is leaning out her window, addressing her as "Ma'am". She immediately breaks into a long speech about how she is a "Missus", not a "Ma'am", her annoyance at people like Peter and his tone of voice when he tries to interrupt. Peter is quite clearly fuming afterwards as he asks his question. The kicker is when he finally gets his answer, a mailman approaches the ''Missus'' and calls her "Ma'am".
    Peter: (thinking) I can bench press any two members of the X-Men. I can shatter a concrete wall with one hand. I'm reasonably sure I can take her.