- Toby Wright has just been balled out by his boss, Simon Foster, for oversleeping and turning up to the end of a meeting, obviously hungover.
Toby: Look, alright, I was late for the meeting, Simon, I am sorry, but it's not like I threw up in there, is it?
Simon: No, you're right, I'm being unfair. I should be thanking you for not throwing up. Well done, you're a star. You didn't wet yourself, did you? You're in the right city. You didn't say anything overtly racist. You didn't pull your cock out and start plucking it and shouting "Willy Banjo". No, I'm being really unfair. You'd got so much right, without actually being there in the beginning of one of the most important moments of my career. Thanks, you're a legend.
Toby: It's like being Charlie in the Chocolate Factory, and you can see all the Oompa-Loompas and you think, where is the actual confectionary being made? Nobody's singing...
Simon: But you're eating...
Simon: ... And eating, and eating.
Toby: I've had two bites...
Simon: (Deadpan) Ladies and gentlment, Stinky Man is going to burst in and entertain you with his Danish Pastry-eating! He can eat ten Danish Pastries in as many seconds, in front of the Assistant Secretary of State of the United States of America!
Toby: The Assistant Secretary of State of the United States of America put the pastry in front of me in the first place!
Simon: No she didn't, you grabbed it like some starving Victorian urchin!
Toby: It was on a table designed for the people of the meeting of which I-
Simon: Oh, shut up, Toby.
- A Deadpan Snarker at the White House, after Malcolm criticises his young age:
AJ: I'm 22, but it's my birthday in nine days, so to make you feel more comfortable, we could wait?
- And Malcolm's response:
Malcolm: Don't get sarcastic with me, son. We bombed this tight-arsed city to the ground in 1814 and I'm all for doing it again. Starting with you, you frat fuck. You get sarcastic with me again, and I will stuff so much cotton wool down your fucking throat it'll come out your arse like the wee tail on a Playboy Bunny!
- Malcolm rants in a public square after Judy hangs up on him, and then:
Tourist: "Hey buddy, enough of the curse words, right?"
Malcolm: "Kiss my sweaty balls, you fat fuck!"
- Earlier, Linton had called Malcolm "a useless piece of S-star-star-T." Towards the end, Malcolm retaliates with a truly magnificent swear:
Malcolm: "I've come across a lot of psychos. But none as fucking boring as you. You know, you're a real boring fuck... I'm sorry, I know you disapprove of swearing, so I'll sort that out. You are a boring F-star-star-CUNT!"
- Every single scene with Paul.
Toby: "Could she maybe use a hose?"
- Malcolm considers the word "purview" to be Antiquated Linguistics, the sort you'd get in a "fucking Jane fucking Austen novel."
Malcolm: Allow me to pop a jaunty little bonnet on your purview and ram it up the shitter with a lubricated horse cock!
- Jamie's entrance, having been called in to deal with the collapsing garden wall.
Jamie: Well, if it isn't Humpty Numpty -
Simon: What is this, surround bollocking?
Jamie: Hey, with due respect, I hadn't finished. If it isn't Humpty Numpty, sitting on top of a collapsing wall like some clueless egg cunt. Now I'm finished.
Simon: (Putting on a patronising tone) Hello Jamie, this is Toby,
Toby: Hello, I'm Toby Wright, I'm Simon's aide-
Jamie: Ah right, very nice to meet you Toby, please, sit down. Right, well that's enough of all the (sneering) 'Oxbridge Pleasantries'.
Toby: Sorry, what's 'Oxbridge' about saying 'Hello'?
Jamie: SHUT IT, 'LOVE ACTUALLY'! (Jamie looks quickly around the room, and grabs a hole punch up from a nearby table) Want me to hole punch your face?
- And shortly after:
Toby: Look, we called some builders, they didn't turn up when they said they would, now -
Jamie: What did you expect? THEY'RE BUILDERS! Have you ever seen a film where the hero is a builder? No, no, because they NEVER FUCKING TURN UP IN THE NICK OF TIME! Bat-Builder? Spider-Builder? Huh? That's why you never see a superhero with a hod!
- In one of the deleted scenes, Simon tells Jamie that temporary buttresses have been put up:
Jamie: And that's your headline response, is it?! "We put up temporary buttresses, says flailing walrus fuck"?!
- "Jamie's 'unique' take on Classical Music:
Jamie: "It's just vowels! Subsidised, foreign, fucking vowels! I tell you, the only reason you listen to this shit is because it's bad form to actually wear a hat that says 'I went to private school'!"
- Jamie and Malcolm discuss There Will Be Blood:
Jamie: I went to see that film There Will Be Blood right? I mean it's a fucking great title. If somebody says to you, 'Do you fancy going to see a film?' 'Well, I don't know, will there be blood?' There Will Be Blood, right? 'I'm in, I'm in!' I mean that is a fucking great title for a film. I mean you couldn't have a better title for a film. Apart from, maybe, There Will Be Tits. You could have a cinema that just shows There Will Be Blood and There Will Be Tits, you don't need any other films! That's the end of cinema right there!
Malcolm: Is this fucking going anywhere?
Jamie: Yeah, yeah, I went see There Will Be Blood, and there wasn't any fucking blood!
Malcolm: There was some blood.
Jamie: Och, there was hardly any fucking blood.
- Another deleted scene has Jamie and his team marching into the Department for International Development to check the computers.
Jamie: Ok shits, put your knickers on, it's the IT Sweeney! We've come to strip-search your computers, haven't we...oh...fat man whose name I've forgotten?
IT Guy: Yes.
Jamie: It's only intelligence we're after, so we might be here for a while.