Funny / I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue

  • I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue has about one of these per episode, but the crowning moment of Mornington Crescent has got to be the sat nav system that fell in love with Jeremy Hardy.
    Jeremy: Fulham Broadway.
    Satnav: I love you Jeremy.
    Jeremy: Not now!
    Satnav: Please sing to me. Please.
    Jeremy: No!
  • Musical Families, the One where Graeme Garden Sings Louis Armstrong's "It's A Wonderful World" in the style of Neil Armstrong, which seems boring until the first line;
    "I See Trees of Green...(Beep)...Red Roses too"
    • "And I think to myself (static) what a wonderful moon..."
  • The Sound Charades where Tim Brooke-Taylor And Jeremy Hardy have to do "The Sopranos". The last words of the scene: "The end. Of our careers."
  • Graeme and Barry's censored version of "My Favorite Things":
    (bleep) (bleep) and
    (bleep) (bleep) and
    (bleep) (bleep) and (bleep) (bleep)
    (bleep) (bleep) and
    (bleep) (bleep) and
    (bleep) (bleep) and (bleep) (bleep)
    (bleep) (bleep) and
    (bleep) (bleep) all tied up with string,
    These are a few of my favourite things...
    • Also, on that note, their hilariously simple rendition of "All Through The Night":
      bzz-bzz, bzz-bzz
      All through the night
      bzz-bzz, bzz-bzz
      All through the night
    • The following rendition of (spoilered because it reveals the gag) "My Grandfather's Clock".
      My grandfather's bzz was too large...
      So it stood ninety years on the floor...
      It was taller than half of the old man himself...
      Though it weighed not a pennyweight more!
      It was bzz on the morn of the day that he was born...
      And was always—(starts cracking up)—his treasure and pride...
      But it stopped short never to go again
      When the old man died!
    • This one from The King and I:
      Whenever I feel afraid,
      I hold my head erect,
      And whistle a happy tune,
      So no-one else suspects
      I'm afraid.

      While shivering in my shoes,
      I strike a careless pose,
      And whistle a happy tune,
      So no-one ever knows
      I'm afraid!

      The result of this deception
      Is very strange to tell,
      For when I fool the people I fear,
      I fool myself as well!
  • The "Swanee Kazoo" rendition of "Tequila" where the swanee whistle attempted to play the whole melody and the kazoo's only contribution was the "tequila!" at the end of the line.
  • The 30th anniversary show. It has Stephen Fry's definition of "countryside" as "to kill Piers Morgan," Humph saying that the only way he could read the producer's handwriting was to pin it up on a board and run past it, lots of abuse of Barry and Ho Yay between him and Stephen, a Close Quotes round including this:
    William Hague: I was in the school choir even though I couldn't sing very well. I went on all the German trips even though I didn't study German. I went on all the R.E. trips even though I didn't study R.E. I was...
    Graeme: I was the coach driver.
and this:
Tony Blair: This dome is going to opened on time and on budget, it will not be torn down, it will be a lasting asset for the country, it is a triumph in the end for confidence over cynicism, boldness over blandness, and...
Tim: Arse over tit.
Or :
Michael Jackson: That's the most horrifying, ridiculous story I've ever heard, its crazy...
Graeme: Where did those Three bears get all that Porridge?
...a game of Mornington Crescent commentated on by Raymond Baxter, a game of Cheddar Gorge that turns into Word Salad ("While." "This." "Can." "Be." Constituted." "To." "A." "Lack." "Of." "Grammar..."), and the second page quote:
Humphrey Lyttelton: For a show such as this to have lasted thirty years might be thought achievement enough in itself. But to have brought joy and laughter to thousands of listeners... might at least have been worth a try.
  • Another Close Quotes one:
    Margaret Thatcher: At this Conference last year, you'll remember that I said, "The National Health Service is safe with us"...
    Willie Rushton: ... April Fool!
  • More Close Quotes, these ones from Cherie Blair's autobiography:
    Cherie Blair: I'd gone to a girl's convent school, where the nuns had always encouraged us to use all our...
    Tim Brooke-Taylor: ... batteries sparingly.
Cherie Blair: After a Christmas dinner hosted by Derry Irvin, a lot of drink had been drunk, and Tony was decidedly...
Phill Jupitus: ... not that picky.
Cherie Blair: It was quite cold that night, and I quite like my husband, and I'm afraid to say that the Queen was...
Tim Brooke-Taylor: ... not up for a threesome.
Cherie Blair: I never wore makeup at all until 1994, when someone said...
Graeme Garden: "I'm so sorry, I was trying to post a letter."
  • The attempt at playing "The Upstairs Downton Forsyte Abbey Saga" which degenerated into a mass of sound effects being played on top of each other.
  • This round of Close Quotes, featuring the deathless words of George W. Bush, is hysterical not for the answers they give (which are pretty good), but for W's quotes, which are more bizarre than anything they could come up with and which stymie the panelists.
  • Ebenezer Scrumph shooting down the Snowman in I'm Sorry I Haven't a Christmas Carol.
  • In episode 4 of series 54, the panelists stage a drama series with sound effects, which is as off-the-wall as they can make it. Eventually, though, it degenerates into a fight between Ross Noble's and Graeme Garden's characters ... during which Graeme has a gun and Ross has his fists.
    Ross Noble: I don't think this is a fair fight!
  • "The Quiz of Quizzes", an intentionally absurd mash-up of assorted quiz formats.
    Barry: Can I go 50-50?
    Humph: Very well. Computer, take away one wrong answer and one right answer.
  • Marcus Brigstocke's Pick-up Song, accompanying Shaggy's "Mr Boombastic".
    • And Jack Dee's comment afterwards:
    Jack: Of course, what listeners at home missed out on was Barry spinning on his head.
  • From a round of "Last Sentence", when Barry was given Cell Block H. His submission was okay, but his reaction to the audience's reaction was lovely.
    Barry: Who left that bleedin' door open?
    (slight audience laughter)
    Barry: ...Hah hah...they all escaped! That would end the's a good round, this.
    • From the same episode, Tim and Willie get into a discussion amongst themselves at the end of a round.
    Humph: Do you mind? ...I'm trying to introduce the next round.
    Willie: ...Well, carry on.
    Tim: Yes, don't mind us.
    Humph: ...Right. So now—
    Tim: Anyway, so I said to her
  • A round of Closed Quotes with quotes taken from a 1930's husband's etiquette manual.
    Jack Dee: "Don't squeeze the toothpaste from the top instead of from the bottom. This is one of the small things in life that..."
    Jeremy: ... shouldn't be in your bottom.
    (hysterics all round)
    Tim: "And I pay my licence fee for this..."
    • And this:
    Jack: "Always remember your wife is like tar. Melt her, and she will..."
    Tim: ... get laid by a bunch of workmen.
    • And this:
    Jack: "Don't allow yourself to become careless in your conversation, and as far as possible, don't use the clichéd expressions of the moment, such as..."
    Graeme: [slowly] ... "Move yo' ass 'fore you get yourself pimp-slapped, bitch."
  • The Pick-up Song where Barry Cryer breaks into giggles due to the other panellists trying to put him off, and when the sound is turned up the record has moved onto the next song.
    • How about the Pick-Up Song where Graeme's singing seems well in time, and he manages to get the audience to join in on the chorus...and when the sound is turned up, they find the record has stuck.
  • "Girlfriend in a Coma" to the tune of "Tiptoe Through the Tulips". Other great examples of "One Song to the Tune of Another" include...
    • "A Whiter Shade of Pale" to the tunes of "My Old Man's A Dustman" or The Muppet Show theme
    • Elvis' "Love Me Tender" to the tune of the theme from The Archers
  • A round of Uxbridge English Dictionary from the current season got us this.
    Graeme: Singapore — Jeremy Hardy.
  • In a Series 56 episode, the panel had to do scenes with some people replaced by ducks. This leads up to a scene where they all quack "I am Spartacus"... so Jack had to shoot them all.
  • Tim having to sing "Friday" in a round of Pick-up Song.
  • In a round of "Word for Word", Barry challenges Tim and Andy (Hamilton), claiming that "Sharabang Sperm" was a Sixties rock group. This isn't the Funny, however — the Funny comes when Graeme intones "Barry remembers their greatest hit!", forcing Barry to improvise a song on the spot. It's...memorable.
  • In one round of Pick-Up Song, everyone has a notable moment (Tim singing "I'm A Believer" and getting the audience to join in, Barry singing "Some Enchanted Evening" in the persona of a pub owner), finishing with Jeremy — who sings Joe Cocker's infamous bluegrass version of "With A Little Help From My Friends". Eventually, the other panellists and the audience all join in...and when the record comes back on, he's about half a chorus ahead of the song. The mood-swing is audible and hilarious.
  • This moment from one of the Live CDs.
    Humph: Well, that's almost all we've got time for, but we've got just long enough for a round of Doctor's Songbook. Tim, will you start?
    Tim: "Knees Up Mother Brown".
    • At which point the house is brought down. After a few moments, this ensues:
    Humph: Right, well...that's the end of our...
    Graeme: That's the end of our contract.
    Tim: I really wanted to do that one, which I think was "Brown Girl In The Ring", which goes "Show me your motion..."
    • At which point the house is brought down again.
  • The episode just prior to the Millennium recorded at the Royal Greenwich Observatory includes a round in which the teams play the playground game "What's the time, Mr Wolf?"...but instead it becomes "What is Time, Professor Wolff?", in which they ask celebrity scientist Heinz Wolff questions about the nature of time.
  • The first time Jeremy Hardy appeared on the show, he stumbled on a word while playing "Cheddar Gorge" and dropped the f-bomb. The teams were more amused than shocked, and this ensued.
    Jeremy: I'm sorry I said the fuck-w. I do apologize, ladies and gentlemen.
    Willie: Well, he's an alternative, you know. He has to say it every now and again. They get taxed otherwise.
    Humph: ...has anybody got the faintest idea what's going on?
    Barry: We're playing Cheddar fucking Gorge, Humph!
    • Needless to say, this was cut from the radio broadcast.
    • Also from that episode — the very first time Jeremy's singing was unleashed on an unsuspecting public.
    Willie: I smell points there.
  • When they Played Santa's Grotto with Stephen Fry, Graeme and Barry had to guess what a child (Stephen) wanted for Christmas by asking questions with Tim as the child's father.
    Graeme: Is it very big?
    Stephen:(Highpitched nervous voice) No
    Graeme: Is it very small?
    Tim:(In a similar voice to Stephen) Speak up Stephen.
    Stephen: It can be any size really.
    Graeme: It can be any size can it? (Beat) Do you want a slap?
    • This actually gets funnier if you've seen a QI episode wherein Stephen kept making vague statements about the size of a cavern complex and Phill Jupitus went off on him.
  • This moment of Throw It In!:
    Jack: It's almost time to end the show, but we've just got time for a round of "Tobogganist's Film Club". So, teams, your suggestions of suitable films for those who ride Toboggans, or other forms of winter sport...
    Graeme: Uh, Jack...that's "Tobacconist's".
    (awkward pause continues, amid audience laughter)
    Jack: Alright, teams, your suggestions for tobogganists and other winter sporters...who might happen to smoke. (defensively) I'm not dyslexic. They did tests, and what they found is that I'm actually quite thick.
    • Phill Jupitus proceeds to make winter sports-puns while everyone else does smoking puns, commenting throughout that he has no idea what's going on.
  • Letters between Charles Darwin and the Archbishop of Canterbury.. MONKEYS?!
  • Any time the chairman tries to subvert the "Points mean prizes" running gag, and the audience play along.
    Humph: And points mean prizes...and prizes mean forces open by leverage. What do prizes mean?
    (sound of panellists losing it)
  • A few times in the older episodes, a radio version of Blind Date was played. Whenever this happened we got to hear Humph's impression of Cilla Black, which involved him throwing the words "chuck" and "lorra fun" in wherever possible.
  • A round of "Closed Quotes" gets off-track.
    Humph: I have to tell you...a Yorkshireman once came up to me after a gig, and he said "'Umphrey, I'm a blunt man and I'll say what I think". So I said "So am I, piss off."
    Andy Hamilton: (after much laughter) And what did Parkinson say then?
  • In one round of "Sound Charades", Tim and Phill Jupitus did a very long sketch with the title "Two Mules For Sister Sarah", revolving around a shoe shop.
    Graeme: Is "shoe" in the title?
    Tim: Well...
    Phill: Sort of.
    Graeme: As in the word "shoe"?
    Tim and Phill: No.
    (beat, then laughter)
    Barry: (laughing) You lie!
    Tim: It's not The Shoes Of The Fisherman, if that's what you were getting at.
    Graeme: ...Damn your eyes! Guards, seize him!
    • Also the end of the sketch, where Humph says "I should've mentioned, you only have 30 seconds..."
  • There was a round in Series 57 where Jack read the first two lines of a cautionary poem and the players had to finish:
    Jack: The infant Mike had dirty genes/he lived on top shelf magazines...
    Rob Brydon: Evening, afternoon and morn/Mike would have his fill of porn
    "Playboy", "Penthouse", "Rustler", "Knave"/Surely no way to behave
    And then one day, the top shelf fell/On Mike, and he went straight to hell
    A tragic end to short life/Snuffed out beneath the reader's wife
  • Tony Hawks singing along to Gangnam Style in a round of Pick-up Song.
    • The next series went one better by having Tony sing Gangnam Style to the tune of Ode to Joy in the first episode's One Song to the Tune of Another.
  • The Sound Charade for "Flog It" where the entire sketch is Graeme saying "What are you going to do with that dead horse?" and Tim and Tony are left completely lost.
    Tony [over audience laughter]: Yeah, yeah, funny when you know, isn't it?
    Barry: My next line was going to be "I would have thought it was obvious"... obviously not.
    Tim: Um...
    Tony: That's all you're giving us, is it?
    Barry: That's all we're giving you.
    Tony: Dead horse...
    Tim: Dead horse. Right...
    Tony: Ex-something?
    Graeme: Remember the question, "what are you going to do with that dead horse?"
    Tim: We're going to... bury it.
    Barry: I don't believe this. We thought this would be over in about ten seconds... where have I heard that before?
    Graeme: What do you do with a dead horse?
    Tim: Burn it?
    Tony: Take it to the tip? Is there a show called "Take It to the Tip"?
    Tim: Oh... shooting! Shoot... shot... no... Shooting Stars? Well, you'd shoot it...
    Graeme: What is there no point in doing to a dead horse?
    Tony: Flogging it?
    [MASSIVE audience cheer]
    Barry: But what is the title?
    Tim/Tony: Flog It!
    [Another cheer]
    • For that matter, any time they do an incredibly brief clue sketch for "Sound Charades". Another good one is Dirty Harry:
      Tim (as Alan Rickman): Potter...
      Sandi (as Daniel Radcliffe): Yes, sir?
      Tim (as Alan Rickman): Don't do that.
  • The sound charade for Skyfall where Jeremy Hardy gets it before the charade has started. They do the charade anyway.
    Jeremy: Honestly, when this is edited you won't recognize it because it's Gardener's Question Time.
    • Better yet, when they do a second round, Jeremy's guess before the charade? "Bargain Hunt!" It was actually QI.
  • This glorious piece of Black Comedy from the intro to the "Inventions" round (referencing the coverup over the Hillsborough disaster):
    Jack: This round is a tribute to those that work tirelessly inventing things, such as the South Yorkshire Police.
  • Any time the players are given a theme for a game and proceed to ignore it and invent their own. For example, the time they were given first lines of limericks to do with singing different types of church songs but made all the limericks about members of the then-current and scandal-prone Conservative government. The best one is probably:
    In the middle of singing a carol,
    Geoffrey Howe said "Your turn in the barrel!"
    "That's a bit of a bummer,"
    Said John Selwyn Gummer,
    As Cecil whipped off his apparel.
  • The panel adds "in my pants" to a variety of films and shows. Hilarity Ensues.
  • This bit from a "Closed Lines" round:
  • From episode 1 of series 61, the "Letter Writing" round had all of the panelists corpsing throughout the whole thing.
    • From the same episode, Susan Calman's entry for "One Song to the Tune of Another": Mousse T.'s "Horny" to the tune of "Leaning on a Lamp-post".
  • One round of "Closed Quotes" had Cliff Richard as the subject, producing such gems as:
    Humph: "I never usually eat before the show, because..."
    Graeme: ... at my age wind can be a problem.
    • And:
      Humph: "I'm sixty-one now, and I've been known as the 'Peter Pan of Pop' for so long, I feel a great pressure to..."
      Barry: ... put on some green tights and fly out the window.
    • One of the things that made this round funny was Humph's initial refusal to read out the correct answers because they were "so bloody boring". He starts reading out the correct answers towards the end of the round, which prompts Tim and Barry to say this:
      Barry: I was slapping my thighs!
      Tim: So that's what it was.
      Barry: And smacking my lips!
  • "Stars in Their Ears", in which the teams had to sing songs in the style of famous people. The highlight? Graeme singing "Wannabe" in the style of John Prescott.
    Graeme: If you want my future, people just have to forget my past
    And if you want to get with me and Tony Blair's government then better make it fast
    Now don't you go wasting, don't you go wasting my precious time like the Tories did
    Get your act together, we could be just fine if you listen to my demands.
  • Barry's occasional habit of saying "Wish I was dead" to convey his embarrassment if a joke falls flat or if he has to explain it.
  • "Sausages", a one-off round in which the teams ask Jack any question they like, but the answer is always "Sausages" no matter what the question is, the point being that Jack has to keep a straight face the whole time. Questions include "What are you wearing to the BAFTAs?", "What do these remind you of?" and "Complete the song title: All You Need Is...?".
    • Jeremy Hardy asks "My first is in orange but not in tomato. What am I?". Before responding with "Sausages", Jack mutters "I'll get you for this."
    • The final question:
      Jeremy: What do you think of when you're trying to keep a straight face?
      Jack: This round.
  • One round has the teams compose a madrigal, with the team members taking turns to add one line each. They are given the subject of President Clinton and the result (spoilered so it doesn't give away the joke) goes like this:
    As I walked out one May morning, all in the White House grounds
    From out the oval office I head such curious sounds
    I peeped in through the window and saw Bill standing on a bucket
    I said "What are you doing?" He said "I'm trying to see Nantucket."

    The President then asked me "Have you seen my White House staff?"
    I misconstrued his meaning and I gave a nervous laugh
    Then up there popped a fine young lass, he said "This is my lodger."
    I said "What is that in her mouth?" He said "A jammie dodger."
  • In Series 45 pianist Denis King is filling in for Colin Sell. Tim is singing 'Roxanne' to the tune of the theme from 'Black Beauty'. Straying from the accompaniment, Tim asks 'Do you know this song, Denis?' Hilarious because, as Tim and the audience are well aware, Denis composed it.
  • "Innovations" had the teams coming up with new products for an innovations catalogue. Products included a solar-powered Swiss Army toothpick ("Eight picks for all size of gap!"), a combined Kalashnikov and funnel for opening milk cartons, and a Russian roulette cigarette lighter and nasal hair remover ("Live dangerously!").
  • The opening episode of Series 65 had Rory Bremner singing "Single Ladies" by Beyoncé to the theme to Dad's Army.
  • The first game of Series 66, Episode 3 was to think of phrases that would evoke a Wilhem Scream.
    Susan Calman: I've dropped some chocolate on my cream trousers and it's 9 AM! That really happened to me, it was very distressing.
    Richard Osman: Barry, it's your round.
  • Graeme, for "One Song to the Tune of Another", singing "I'm a Little Teapot" to the tune of Bob Dylan's "Blowin' in the Wind", complete with Dylan imitation, and finishing off with a harmonica. And the crowner is Jack Dee's utterly deadpan "no-one likes a smartarse" afterward.
  • Tim having to sing along to the Bee Gees' "Night Fever". He definitely makes a go of imitating the group's falsetto singing, but...
  • Tim and John Finnemore having to act out the medical condition of thinking they're beers. Right from the start, it gets bizarre, and it stays there.
    John: I have this terrible lifestyle. I spend all my time in bars, waiting around for people to pick me up.