History Funny / IClaudius

*** [[ExactWords "Not... slept..."]] "''Ah''...! Not ''slept''...! You mean it happened standing up, perhaps! Or in the street, or on a bench! Not ''slept''?"

--> "The difference between you and me, actor, is you're a snob and I'm not. And the difference between this great lady and myself, is that ''my'' work is ''her'' hobby. My hobby happens to be gardening, for which I ''don't'' expect to be paid."

* How praetorian captain explains to German guards what happened and that Claudius is a new emperor? By [[TranslationByVolume talking slowly and very loudly]].

-->'''Claudius''': He wants to see you; he's become a god. Oh, you're a god too. ''(To Herod)'' We're not.

* How praetorian captain explains to German guards what happened and that Claudius is a new emperor is by [[TranslationByVolume talking slowly and very loudly]].

* Livia not so subtly suggesting for Tiberius to marry Julia completely unbothered by such little detail that they're both married. [[note]] But it is fair to point out that Marcellus, Julia's husband is currently dying in the very next room so that wouldn't be a problem. [[/note]]
-->'''Tiberius:''' Julia doesn't interest me. She wouldn't interest me if you hanged her naked from the ceiling above my bed.
-->'''Livia:''' She might even do that if I've asked her.
* When young Claudius introduce his friend Herod Agrippa to Julia he's quick to inform her that he was named after her late husband Agrippa.
-->'''Julia: '''Really. Well wasn't that nice of your father to do that.

-->'''Herod: '''Yes, so was my father.
** What makes this extra hilarious is how Julia went from amusement to geniune concern for the poor kid while Herod keeps the same "matter of fact" tone through the entire conversation.

* While everyone is desperately searching for the poisoner, it turns out she's been enjoying a meal with the only other notorious poisoner: [[EvilMatriarch Livia]]. And they're exchanging ''recipes''. The whole conversation is darkly funny but doubly so if you look at it as an unaware job interview by Livia.
** First they talk about the tools of the trade and antidotes. Livia complains how hired help is hard to find and that she keeps antidotes as a backup because there is always a possibility [[PoisonedChaliceSwitcheroo that slave might mix up which bowl to bring out to whom]].
** Livia then asks her about previous job references. First is a sloppy job that, while it killed the victim, any professional poisoner could detect as a poison. The poisoner complains that the client heard that it was the best way from other amateurs so they insisted it should be used, despite her repeated recommendations and better judgment. Second is very impressive job that Livia doesn't know how it was done. The poisoner gives a honest answer, without bragging.
** It ends with a poisoner getting wind and thinking she was poisoned. That is the attention to detail that Livia appreciates but is annoyed by the reaction. Livia tells her in no certain terms that while poison is a good tool, there is no need for it to be used here, because Livia is a member of the royal family and has plenty of guards with sharp swords so [[IfIWantedYouDead if she wanted the poisoner dead, she would be dead already]].
** Then she takes a piece of bread, wipes the last bites of food from poisoner's plate and eats it, showing confidence and trust. The implication is that the poisoner has passed her job interview and Livia will keep her on the team as a consultant.

-->'''Livia:''' She've might even do that if I've asked her.

** Livia then asks her about previous job references. First is a sloppy job that, while it killed the victim, any professional poisoner could detect as a poison. The poisoner complains that the client heard that it was the best way from others so they insisted it should be used, despite her repeated recommendations and better judgment. Second is very impressive job that Livia doesn't know how it was done. The poisoner gives a honest answer, without bragging.

** It ends with a poisoner getting wind and thinking she was poisoned. That is the attention to detail that Livia appreciates but is annoyed by the reaction. Livia tells her in no certain terms that while poison is a good tool,but there is no need to be used here, because Livia is a member of the royal family and has plenty of guards with sharp swords so if she wanted her dead, the poisoner already would be.
** Then she takes a piece of bread,wipes the last bites of food from poisoner's plate and eats it, showing confidence and trust. The implication is that the poisoner has past her job interview and Livia will keep her on the team as a consultant.

* While everyone is desperately searching for the poisoner, it turns out she's been enjoying a meal with the only other notorious poisoner: [[EvilMatriarch Livia]]. And they're exchanging ''recipes''.

** His wide-eyed sarcastic reactions to the lame excuses of some of them are just ''priceless''. "O-only ''once''." "''Ah''...! Only ''once''...! ''That's'' all?"