In the first episode, Zoe Barnes is dropped off at her apartment and her date tries to invite himself up. Her declination is priceless. "Aw, Brian. That's so sweet, but if I was going to fuck you, you'd know." It sounds so sympathetic and endearing that it's like she politely turned him down for coffee rather than sex.
In Chapter 1, Russo's reaction when he's pulled over for a DUI:
Chapter 3's entire subplot involving the Peachoid, the real-life water tower in Frank's hometown of Gaffney, South Carolina.
The county executives in Underwood's district debating about which piece of the female anatomy the Peachoid looks like. Is it someone's buttocks? A clitoris?
Frank goes to a church that's attended by two of his constituents who blame him in part for the death of their daughterClick here for the Insane Troll Logic being used apparently, since Frank fought so hard for the creation of the Peachoid, and because the 16-year-old girl crashed her car while texting a joke about what the tower looked like, he's responsible for the girl's death instead of the obvious cause - distracted driving. He gives an impassioned eulogy about how the untimely loss of a family member can cause a person to feel hatred, speaking about his own father dying in his 40's. He then gives an aside to us stating he barely knew his father, his mother didn't like him and his maternal grandmother hated the man. He concludes that his father's death wasn't such a big deal since he was just taking up space.
In Chapter 6, Frank's "IOU" gaffe, or "Play the Vowel Game With Me". It's refreshing to see that even pure evil can eat it raw on cable news. It wasn't even so much the gaffe. It was the fact that it went viral on YouTube and was turned into a hilarious Stupid Statement Dance Mix. Essentially up till now Frank is shown as being nigh-invincible in negotiations, improvisation, wordplay, and manipulation, so to see him completely shove his head up his ass like that is hysterical.
The names of some of the other remixes in the Suggested Videos list are just as hilarious, including Underwood Rocks the "House" - Get it?, Congressional A(E)iOUs,Eh Ee Ah Oh You,Isn't It E-ronic?, Political Indy-Pop: Starring Frank E, 'Under' the Influence, and Y don't u try it without E.
Russo goes to say good-bye to his hospitalized mother and brings Christina with him. After he talks to her a bit she suddenly looks at Christina and says "so, you're fucking my son?" A good two seconds of awkward silence comes, followed by "relax, I'm just messing with you."
Peter Russo's kids run around the office. One of them bumps into Frank, making him spill his coffee. To Russo's face he says it's fine but to us, he says...
Frank Underwood: I'm not going to lie, I despise children... There, I said it.
After Claire screws over the Watershed Bill, Frank says something you never should say to a Woman of a Certain Age: "Is it the hot flashes?"
"Every Tuesday I sit down with the speaker and the majority leader to discuss the week's agenda. Well, 'discuss' is probably the wrong word… they talk while I imagine their lightly-salted faces frying in a skillet." The best part is the next scene when Frank is sitting with the two men while they jabber. He simply looks at the camera, smirks, and shakes a bit of salt onto his plate.
Here's some Black Comedy that's sort of like the church scene in season 3: After killing Russo, Frank tries speaking to God at a church. Upon receiving no answer, he glances at us, says "Perhaps I'm speaking to the wrong audience," then turns his head down and reveals he's actually addressing Satan.
Frank's effort to pass entitlement reform in the Senate to stave off a potential government shutdown is a pageant of parliamentary absurdity: the Republicans quickly leave the Senate chamber during roll call to prevent a quorum, but this lets the Democrats vote for warrants to be issued compelling Senators to be present in the chamber. The Capitol Police resort to breaking down Senate office doors, handcuffing six Republican senators, and physically carrying them into the chamber to allow a vote. The whole incident is loosely based on the "Battle of the Reed Rules" affair.
The look Frank gives the audience when Tusk mentions he has a birdfeeder on the roof of the latter's building.
Frank is practicing in anticipation of throwing the ceremonial first pitch at an Orioles game. His story of how the first time he threw the first pitch he did it from the mound and the ball didn't make it is funny in and of itself. However, while practicing (with Meechum as catcher) and vowing to not embarrass himself this time, he breaks a garden vase they were using as the plate. After the plant holder shatters:
Frank: (to Meechum) Don't tell Claire.
Claire: (from inside the house) I heard that!
After Walker lashes out at Frank in Chapter 20, Frank retaliates by buying him a literal punching bag and placing it in the Oval Office. Walker's expression when he sees it is priceless. And his cheeky grin when he sees the handwritten note Frank has sent with the bag.
This exchange in Chapter 20 when our Second Couple are preparing to host Walker and his wife:
Claire: What should we serve the Walkers?
Claire: Saving that for dessert. What about the main course?
Frank: Meat of some sort? Vegetables? This really isn't my area of expertise.
Frank is watching porn with headphones on, then Ed Meechum walks in. Frank doesn't lose his cool for a second.
Frank is trapped in Donald Blythe's office because of an anthrax scare:
Chapter 31: Frank's rejection of Christ, ending with him spitting at the crucifix in the National Cathedral? Not that funny. Frank realizing that he just left spittle on the crucifix and trying to wipe it off? Funny. Frank accidentally knocking the crucifix over and shattering it on the stone floor? Hilarious. Frank quickly pocketing one of the pieces, showing it to the camera as he walks out and saying "NOW I've got God's ear"? Priceless.
Frank's Breaking the Fourth Wall speech comes to scrutiny in Season 3, when the Alzheimer-ridden Judge Jacobs seems to hear it.
FEMA made a Twitter post protesting that the manipulation of their funds seen in Season 3 could never actually happen. Then they had to apologize for spoiling the show.
"To President Petrov and his little pickle". Made this good by the fact that during the entire season anything could hardly wipe that smug smile off Petrov's face, but following that line his brief expression makes clear that he's furious.
Frank's befuddlement at The Stanley Parable, ultimately declaring it "too much like my real life."
From Chapter 35:
Harlan Traub: Mr. President, I know you have a thousand things on your mind, but I would just love to talk to you about how to revolutionize the food processing industry.
Frank Underwood:[to us] Please, slit my wrists with his butter knife.
After Frank whines to us about what a pain Jackie Sharp's marriage is to his plans, he starts to leave and then turns back to us. "Yes, I know the marriage was my idea."
Chapter 35 opens with Kate Baldwin having sex with Thomas Yates. After she climaxes, her gaze falls on an "Underwood 2016" campaign pin:
Kate Baldwin: Well, the president just saw me come.
The final scene of Chapter 32, after Frank and Claire had a heated argument about Michael Corrigan's suicide.
Frank: (looking at the camera like he's only now realized that we were in the room the whole time he was arguing) What are you looking at?
Frank vs. Claire's mother. He's now POTUS and she still looks down on him:
Frank Underwood: Claire is the First Lady of the United States, and you still think she made the wrong choice.
Elizabeth Hale: Reduced to tabloid gossip? She might as well be living in that trailer park you come from.
Frank Underwood: Well, it was a peach farm. But you're right, I am still white trash. I just happen to be white trash that lives in the White House.
Elizabeth Hale: Not even being president could give you any class.
Donald Blythe's whole awkwardness during his brief time as acting president. You can really tell how lost he is when there's nobody telling him what to do. Like when Claire is feeding him cues on a computer screen (which Blythe awkwardly explains to Cathy and Doug are "his Cliff Notes") to guide him through a phone call with Petrov.
Frank watches a viral video of Will Conway playing with his children. Out of nowhere:
Tom Hammerschmidt is forced by Remy to do a drinking game called "Never Have I Ever" to get information. The premise of the game is that Hammerschmidt says to Remy an abuse of power that he believes Frank has committed while in office. If the allegation is true, Remy takes a drink. If the allegation is not true, Remy doesn't drink at all. Remy ends up consuming all of his first glass pretty quickly.
Frank is to interview the Democratic party's top running mate choice, an Ohio senator with NRA ties.
Frank Underwood: Senator Dean Austen of Ohio, the leadership's top choice for running mate. [ticks off on his fingers] Twelve years in Congress, helps us with a major swing state, middle of the road, very few enemies, and most importantly to them, long-time friend of the NRA. Now his shortcomings are [ticks off on his fingers] he's another middle-aged white guy, underwhelming, unimaginative...and a long-time friend of the NRA. So you can see how I feel about the leadership's choice.
Conway's son shies away from Frank, because "You said he was a vampire."
Frank has a phone conversation with former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg:
Frank Underwood: You can't run for Mayor again, Mike! That'll put Anthony Weiner in a pickle and then he'll tweet that pickle.
Michael Bloomberg: Well, what do you suggest?
Frank Underwood: Well, President of the Correspondents Association.
Michael Bloomberg: Doesn't that position only last for a year?
Frank Underwood: Well, since when have term limits stopped you? [Bloomberg looks caught off-guard] And you should know, Mike, Ed drinks Big Gulps.
Michael Bloomberg:[to his aide] Ed Henry, Kevin, I want him out!
Kevin: I'll make some calls.
As it turns out, Bloomberg's preparing for an interview with Charlie Rose, and Frank was scheduled to appear on Rose's show:
Charlie Rose: Frank, it's Charlie Rose. Tell me this: why did you cancel last week?
Frank Underwood:Margaret Thatcher died. I was in mourning.note Even funnier: the original UK series had a funeral for Margaret Thatcher and Francis Urquhart was assassinated at the unveiling of a memorial to Thatcher. The House of Nerds spoof aired at the end of April 2013, just weeks after Margaret Thatcher died for real.
Charlie Rose: OK, how about next week?
Frank Underwood: Well I'm already booked on The Today Show but Doug will be in touch.
With Ed Henry in place of Russo, Frank parodies the "absolute unquestioning loyalty" scene, but in doing so, he asks for "42 seconds during the dinner to say ''whatever. I. want''." Ed Henry nonchalantly says "Take 45." This cues Frank ending the sketch with a monologue that is exactly 45 seconds long, at the end of which, we see that he still has Ed's Big Gulp.
Speaking of which, Spacey claims that Frank would beat Trump at a debate. He tells CNN's Dana Bush, "I was asked recently if there was a debate between Donald Trump and Francis Underwood, who would win that debate? I'd said I wanted to make sure the people understood there was a distinction: One is a fictional character. And the other is a fictional character. It's important that we make that distinction."