In the first episode, Zoe is dropped off at her apartment and her date tries to invite himself up. Her declination is priceless. "Aw, Brian. If I was going to fuck you, you'd know." It sounds so sympathetic and endearing that it's like she politely turned him down for coffee rather than sex.
At the end of the first episode, everyone is reacting to the news story with various expressions of Oh Crap. Then, it cuts to Zoe, who is...on the crapper.
The county executives in Underwood's district debating about which piece of the female anatomy the Peachoid looks like.
Frank's "IOU" gaffe. It's refreshing to see that even pure evil can eat it raw on cable news. It wasn't even so much the gaffe. It was the fact that it went viral on Youtube and was turned into a hilarious Stupid Statement Dance Mix.
"My client exercises his right to plead the fifth amendment."
Underwood's effort to pass entitlement reform in the Senate to stave off a potential government shutdown is a pageant of parliamentary absurdity: the Republicans quickly leave the Senate chamber during roll call to prevent a quorum, but this lets the Democrats vote for warrants to be issued compelling Senators to be present in the chamber. The Capitol Police eventually resort to breaking down Senate office doors, handcuffing six Republican senators, and physically carrying them into the chamber to allow a vote.
The whole incident is loosely based on the "Battle of the Reed Rules" affair.
Frank: (to audience) He's worried about his marriage counselling, and he should be. (to president) If you're worried about your marriage counselling, you shouldn't be!
Frank: Every Tuesday I sit down with the speaker and the majority leader to discuss the week’s agenda. Well, ‘discuss’ is probably the wrong word… they talk while I imagine their lightly-salted faces frying in a skillet.
The best part is the next scene when Frank is sitting with the two men while they jabber. He simply looks at the camera, smirks, and shakes a bit of salt onto his plate.
Frank is practicing in anticipation of throwing the first pitch at a baseball game. His story of how the first time he threw the first pitch he did it from the mound and the ball didn't make it is funny in and of itself. However, while practicing (with Meechum as catcher) and vowing to not embarrass himself this time, he breaks a garden vase they were using as the plate. After the plant holder shatters:
Frank to Meechum: Don't tell Claire.
Claire from inside the house: I heard that.
After Claire screws over the Watershed Bill, Frank brings up something you never ask a Woman of a Certain Age: "Is it the hot flashes?"