Funny: House of Cards (US)

Season one

  • In the first episode, Zoe is dropped off at her apartment and her date tries to invite himself up. Her declination is priceless. "Aw, Brian. That's so sweet, but if I was going to fuck you, you'd know." It sounds so sympathetic and endearing that it's like she politely turned him down for coffee rather than sex.
  • When Russo is pulled over for drunk driving in the pilot:
    Pete Russo: Look, I'm a Congressman...
    Cop: I don't care if you're the King of China.
  • At the end of the first episode, everyone is reacting to the leak of the education bill with various expressions of Oh, Crap. Then, it cuts to Zoe Barnes, who is...on the crapper.
  • Chapter 3's entire subplot involving the Peachoid, which is a real-life water tower in Frank's hometown of Gaffney, South Carolina.
    • The county executives in Underwood's district debating about which piece of the female anatomy the Peachoid looks like. Is it someone's buttocks? A clitoris?
    • Frank goes to a church that's attended by two of his constituents who blame him in part for the death of their daughterlogic . He gives an impassioned eulogy about how the untimely loss of a family member can cause a person to feel hatred, speaking about his own father dying in his 40's. He then gives an aside to us stating he barely knew his father, his mother didn't like him and his maternal grandmother hated the man. He concludes that his father's death wasn't such a big deal since he was just taking up space.
  • Frank's "IOU" gaffe, or "Play the Vowel Game With Me". It's refreshing to see that even pure evil can eat it raw on cable news. It wasn't even so much the gaffe. It was the fact that it went viral on YouTube and was turned into a hilarious Stupid Statement Dance Mix. Essentially up till now Underwood is shown as being nigh-invincible in negotiations, improvisation, wordplay, and manipulation, so to see him completely shove his head up his ass like that is hysterical.
    • Even funnier are the names of the videos in the Suggested Videos list, like "Underwood Rocks the "House" - Get it?", "Congressional A(E)iOUs," "Eh Ee Ah Oh You," "Isn't It E-ronic?", "Political Indy-pop: Starring Frank E", and "'Under' the Influence".
  • Russo goes to say good-bye to his hospitalized mother and brings Christina with him. After he talks to her a bit she suddenly looks at Christina and says "so, you're fucking my son?" A good two seconds of awkward silence comes, followed by "relax, I'm just messing with you."
  • "My client exercises his right to plead the fifth amendment."
  • The time where Peter Russo lets his kids run around the office and one of them bumps into Frank, making him spill his coffee. To Russo's face he says it's fine but to the audience...
    Frank: I'm not going to lie, I despise children... there, I said it.
  • After Claire screws over the Watershed Bill, Frank brings up something you never ask a Woman of a Certain Age: "Is it the hot flashes?"

Season two

  • Underwood's effort to pass entitlement reform in the Senate to stave off a potential government shutdown is a pageant of parliamentary absurdity: the Republicans quickly leave the Senate chamber during roll call to prevent a quorum, but this lets the Democrats vote for warrants to be issued compelling Senators to be present in the chamber. The Capitol Police resort to breaking down Senate office doors, handcuffing six Republican senators, and physically carrying them into the chamber to allow a vote. The whole incident is loosely based on the "Battle of the Reed Rules" affair.
  • Frank is practicing in anticipation of throwing the first pitch at a baseball game. His story of how the first time he threw the first pitch he did it from the mound and the ball didn't make it is funny in and of itself. However, while practicing (with Meechum as catcher) and vowing to not embarrass himself this time, he breaks a garden vase they were using as the plate. After the plant holder shatters:
    Frank: (to Meechum) Don't tell Claire.
    Claire: (from inside the house) I heard that.
  • After Walker lashes out in Chapter 20, Frank retaliates by buying him a literal punching bag and placing it in the Oval Office. Walker's expression when he sees it is priceless. And his cheeky grin when he sees the handwritten note Frank has sent with the bag.
  • Frank is watching porn with headphones on, then Ed Meechum walks in. Frank doesn't lose his cool for a second.

Season three

  • Stephen Colbert's cameo, ruthlessly taking one potshot after another at Frank right to his face as he just has to sit there and take it.
  • Frank's rejection of Christ, ending with him spitting at the crucifix in the National Cathedral? Not that funny. Frank realising that he just left spittle on the crucifix and trying to wipe it off? Funny. Frank accidentally knocking the crucifix over and shattering it on the stone floor? Hilarious. Frank quickly pocketing one of the pieces, showing it to the camera as he walks out and saying "NOW I've got God's ear"? Priceless.
  • Frank's Breaking the Fourth Wall speech comes to scrutiny in Season 3, when an Alzheimer-ridden judge seems to hear it.
  • FEMA made a Twitter post protesting that the manipulation of their funds seen in Season 3 could never actually happen. Then they had to apologize for spoiling the show.
  • "To president Petrov and his little pickle". Made this good by the fact that during the entire season anything could hardly wipe that smug smile off Petrov's face, but following that line his brief expression makes clear that he's furious.
  • Frank's befuddlement at The Stanley Parable, ultimately declaring it "too much like my real life."
  • "Cut my wrists with his butter knife."
  • After Frank whines to us about what a pain Jackie's marriage is to his plans, he starts to leave and then turns back to us. "Yes, I know the marriage was my idea."

Unsorted

  • Frank's Breaking the Fourth Wall moments are often quite funny.
    Frank: (to audience) He's worried about his marriage counselling, and he should be. (to president) If you're worried about your marriage counselling, you shouldn't be!
    Frank: Every Tuesday I sit down with the speaker and the majority leader to discuss the week's agenda. Well, 'discuss' is probably the wrong word… they talk while I imagine their lightly-salted faces frying in a skillet.
    • The best part is the next scene when Frank is sitting with the two men while they jabber. He simply looks at the camera, smirks, and shakes a bit of salt onto his plate.
    • The final scene of Chapter 32, after Frank and Claire had a heated argument.
    Frank: (looks into camera) What are you looking at?
  • The spoof "House of Nerds" for the 2013 White House Correspondents' dinner:
    • Frank has a phone conversation with former New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg:
    Frank Underwood: You can't run for Mayor again, Mike. That'll put Anthony Weiner in a pickle and then he'll tweet that pickle.
    Michael Bloomberg: Well, what do you suggest?
    Frank Underwood: Well, President of the Correspondents Association.
    Michael Bloomberg: Doesn't that position only last for a year?
    Frank Underwood: Well, since when have term limits stopped you? [Bloomberg looks caught off-guard] And you should know, Mike, Ed drinks Big Gulps.
    Michael Bloomberg: [to his aide] Ed Henry, Kevin, I want him out!
    Kevin: I'll make some calls.
    • As it turns out, Bloomberg's in the middle of an interview with Charlie Rose, who Bloomberg puts on the phone:
      Charlie Rose: Frank, it's Charlie Rose. Tell me this: why did you cancel last week?
      Frank Underwood: Margaret Thatcher died. I was in mourning.
      Charlie Rose: OK, how about next week?
      Frank Underwood: Well I'm already booked on The Today Show but Doug will be in touch.
      • That line is doubly funny because A) it's a nod to the original House of Cards and B) the correspondents' dinner had just happened a few weeks after Thatcher died for real.