- This exchange from "Yoko":
Brendon: How are ya?
Coach McGuirk: What do you mean, "how am I"?
Brendon: How's it goin'?
Coach McGuirk: Well, I just drank pee. How's it goin' with you?
- "The turkey tastes like pee now. Everything tastes like pee."
- "I pee in Coach McGuirk's canteen."
- In one episode, Jason was acting like a jerkass to Melissa. During the argument, Jason stuttered and Melissa mocks him.
- Coach McGuirk spray-painting the school with vulgar and demonic comments, then calling the cops to report the new soccer coach (who's actually nice to his teammates) for vandalism. While McGuirk is admiring his work, the cops show up and he tries to explain that it's Not What It Looks Like (when really it is. If he were any kind of smart criminal, he'd have called the cops away from the crime scene and ditched all evidence that he was the vandal) before running away.
- Stephanie's failed seduction of Coach McGuirk, mainly for him Completely Missing the Point.
- He understood, he was just scared off by the creepy aggressiveness—which makes it even funnier.
- The Don't Kill Children Video.
- The entirety of History. But especially this gem:
George Washington: There's been a lot of talk about destroying the human race, but have you given any thought about how we're going to do it?
Picaso: I Was thinking we kill them with rocks!
Annie Okaley: Yes Rocks!
George Washington: No!
Annie Okaley: I have collected many rocks!
George Washigton: No! No rocks! Geez, where are you guys from?
- This small bit mid-way through the episode, when Brendon is busy editing the Starboy episode:
Paula: I wonder if you're a little preoccupied.
Brendon: (barely listening) Yeah.
Paula: This is crazy, but maybe you might be working a little too much on your films.
Brendon: That's what people say, but, mom, I'm getting pressured by Melissa and Jason to bring these movies in on time and under budget.
Paula: I don't mean to sound like a broken record, Brendon, but, you know, I think it's great that you're failing.
Brendon: You think it's great?
Paula: Because I'm going to save so much money not paying for you to go to film school.
- Linda and Brendon yelling at each other while Linda is giving birth.
- From Politics:
Paula: What were you saying?
Brendon: Can we move the flowers?
Paula: No, before that.
Brendon: This meatloaf is dry.
Paula: Before that.
Brendon: This is meatloaf!?
Paula: Before that.
Brendon: This fish is dry.
- Coach McGuirk's insomnia in Writer's Block. Particularly this exchange:
Melissa: Did you try just laying on your bed and, you know, having your eyes closed and just relaxing?
McGuirk: Well, that's genius, Melissa. Let me write that down. You're saying that all I have to do to fall asleep is to go to sleep! Is that what you're saying Melissa? *Melissa nods* Good, 'cause it's brilliant. You should write a book! You should give seminars! You'll make millions of dollars! ATTENTION ALL INSOMNIACS: ALL YOU HAVE TO DO TO FALL ASLEEP IS LIE IN YOUR BED!
Melissa (on the verge of tears):...I'm just trying to help.
McGuirk: LIKE EVERY OTHER WOMAN IN MY LIFE!
- The Stinger to the episode: "DVD PLAYER!!!"
- Then there was his efforts to scam the sleep study so he could buy a DVD player.
- The conclusion of Bad Influence, when the entire cast gets fatter and fatter and make fat-related movies such as Three Fat Men and a Fat Baby.
- The biggest Big-Lipped Alligator Moment in the show occurs in Storm Warning, where Paula describes her idea for a children's book (the adventures of a sparrow and a cockroach) to Walter and Perry. In a completely bizarre moment, both trash the idea violently.
Walter: Sounds trite.
Perry: It sounds like it's been done before.
Paula: I don't think so.
Perry: Yeah, double lame-O!
Double lame-O donkey bleep
Sucking on the witch's bleep
- They both then grab each other with the most bizarre expressions on their face, collapsing out of frame to the car floor laughing maniacally.
- In the Season 4 premiere "Everyone is Entitled to My Opinion," Mr. Lynch becomes principal. McGuirk takes full advantage of this by claiming he's Lynch's "best friend" and doing whatever he wants. In one scene he is shown teaching a classroom of children the essentials of alcohol consumption. He is noticeably angered by the lack of reaction he is getting from the children.
McGuirk: Liquor before beer, never fear. Beer before liquor, throw up quicker.
- McGuirk cursing out everybody after telling Brendon not to swear.
- Brendon splicing a frame of dogs having sex into the movie he was forced to edit, and McGuirk referring to it as "that thing I gave you."
- This gem from "Coffins and Cradles":
Brendon: KNOCK KNOCK!!!!
Linda: WHO'S THERE?!?!?!?!?!
Brendon: [bleep] YOOOOOUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!
- From "Shore Leave", Melissa gets put into the Fairy Princesses, a girl scouts like group that's really an obvious pyramid scheme using kids to sell umbrellas and table clothes. At one point she's forced to rehearse selling stuff with the manager of her group, and we get this little bit after a couple of failed tries:
Melissa: Would you like to buy a Fairy Cloth?
Manager: No, go away I don't like you very much.
Melissa: But a Fairy Cloth would make a good gift for a loved one.
Manager: Well I don't have any loved ones, I live alone.
Melissa: You do?
Melissa: But, what about your family?
Manager: They're dead.
Melissa: I'm sorry!
Manager: Well it's not your fault. People die.
Melissa: I know but I shouldn't have brought it up.
Manager: No, it's nice that you brought it up.
Melissa: Would a Fairy Cloth make you feel better?
Manager: No! You leave me alone or I'll call the police, you little goblin!
- Walter and Perry saving Melissa and Brendon
- Honkey Magoo, when Brendon, having previously cheated Melissa out of getting to take their new puppy home that night by playing "Potatoes", calls her to take the puppy as it's destroying his house. Melissa, lying in a hammock and sipping lemonade, starts channelling Bill Lumbergh.
Brendon: You've got to take the puppy.
Melissa: Yeah, no...
Brendon: What do you mean, no?
Melissa: See, I ran that idea by my dad, and he wasn't too excited about it.
Brendon: He wasn't too excited about it?
Melissa: No, he wasn't too excited. And you know what else he told me: he said that's not how you play Potatoes.
Brendon: Wh...What does your dad know about playing Potatoes?
Melissa: Oh he knows a few things about playing Potatoes!
- When McGuirk jumps to conclusions and assumes Brendon is addicted to drugs in "Business and Pleasure". Especially funny is the botched intervention:
McGuirk: Before you go home, everybody, listen up. Soccer's a hard game, but life is a harder game. Sometimes, people do things and take the shortcut to try and make life easier. Brendon Small is a drug addict. (...) This is your intervention, Brendon.
Brendon: Are you out of your mind?!
McGuirk: All right, kids, take over. I don't exactly know how these things go, so you guys handle it. Let's get him back on track. Everybody intervene. Intervene, go ahead. (everybody's silent) Brendon should stop doing drugs, right? Everybody? What are you staring at me for?! All right, you know what? Intervention over. Brendon, get off the drugs.
McGuirk: Brendon, drugs are not the issue here. All right? Leadership is the issue. Think it was easy for me to do an intervention?
McGuirk: It didn't go so well, did it?
McGuirk: So who has egg on their face? Brendon or Coach McGuirk? Coach McGuirk! The point is, Brendon, y'know, I'm trying to get the kids motivated, all right? So I said you had a little drug problem.
- "Fat guy's takin' his money back."
- Erik cracking up during the filming of what's supposed to be a serious tribute to Melissa's grandfather.
Erik: Hey, who's worrying? (chuckling) You're Ned! Better Ned than dead!
- In the same scene, Coach McGuirk breathing through his nose way too heavily.
- McGuirk's very vocal reaction to Freaky-Outy.
McGuirk: STOP! STOP! STOP!
Melissa: We're stopped...
JESUS! WHAT THE F**K!?