Funny / Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

From the book

• Since Dobby can't tell Harry exactly what's going on, Harry resorts to asking yes or no questions, including if Voldemort has a brother who's after him now. It's exactly the kind of thing a Troper would think of!
• When the Weasleys get Harry into the car, the Dursleys are left awkwardly hanging out of Harry's window. Harry leans out to yell, "See you next summer!", prompting Fred, George, and Ron to start laughing. The scene makes it obvious how cathartic it was for Harry after all the Dursleys put him through the past few days.
• Arthur Weasley's and Lucius Malfoy's brawl in Flourish and Blotts. Both moments of Awesome and Heartwarming. It is also funny as Fred and George are cheering for their dad while his wife it telling him to to stop.
• Though only clear on a second read through the simple fact that the entire plot of the book almost gets derailed by Ginny forgetting the diary at home, forcing everyone to go back and get it.
• The picture of Harry and Lockhart has the former walking away from the frame, leaving the latter looking dejected.
• Professor Lockhart's Valentine's Day celebration:
  Lockhart: Why not ask Professor Snape to show you how to whip up a Love Potion! And while you're at it, Professor Flitwick knows more about Entrancing Enchantments than any wizard I've ever met, the sly old dog!
  Professor Flitwick buried his face in his hands. Snape was looking as though the first person to ask him for a Love Potion would be force-fed poison.
  • Love Potions are banned at Hogwarts, and later books have Snape sympathizing with poisoning students. Presumably, no one was stupid enough to ask him for one, and anyone who was probably deserved whatever he gave them.
  • Professor Flitwick apparently knows a thing or two about love charms, and is not happy to hear Lockhart announcing that.
• The school is being swept with gossip that Harry is the Heir of Slytherin. Most students treat Harry like he's poisonous but Fred and George ridicule the entire idea, clearing a path for him in the school corridors while yelling, "Make way for the heir of Slytherin, seriously evil wizard coming through!" George even goes as far as pretending to ward Harry off with a clove of garlic.
  Percy: It is not a laughing matter.
  Fred: Oh, get out of the way, Percy. Harry's in a hurry.
  George: [laughing] Yeah, he's nipping off to the Chamber of Secrets for a cup of tea with his fanged servant.
  • Harry finds the whole thing Actually Pretty Funny, feeling reassured that Fred and George genuinely don't think he's the Heir.
• The Weasleys' garden has to be regularly de-gnomed. Magical gnomes, instead of "fat little Santa Clauses with fishing rods", are hairy little gremlins with potato-like heads that squeal, "Gerroff me! Gerroff me!" when picked up.
  • "Soon the air was thick with flying gnomes."
  • "... the gnome, sensing weakness, sank its razor-sharp teeth into Harry's hand. He had a hard job shaking it off until- "Wow, Harry! That must've been fifty feet!""
  • After successfully de-gnoming the garden, the Weasleys and Harry watch the gnomes stagger off, while one of them comments that they'll just show up again because they love living there. Bonus for the casual mention later that when Harry glances out of Ron's bedroom window at the end of the chapter, the gnomes are already filing back into the yard.
• Ginny constantly embarrasses herself at breakfast when Harry's over due to her fangirl crush on him. This includes dropping her bowl and accidentally sticking her elbow in the butter. Harry politely pretends not to notice any of these.
• After Snape fails to get Harry and Ron expelled, he's described as looking "as though Christmas had been cancelled." One remembers Alan Rickman's earlier turn as the Sheriff of Nottingham.
  • The lead into this was Snape pulling off a classic Right Behind Me on Harry and Ron:
    Harry: Hang on, there's an empty chair at the staff table. Where's Snape?
    Ron: Maybe he's ill!
    Harry: Maybe he left, because he missed out on the Defense Against the Dark Arts job again!
    Ron: Or he might have been sacked! I mean, everyone hates him—
    Snape: (from behind them) Or maybe he's waiting to hear why you two didn't arrive on the school train.
• Filch is trying to use Kwikspell to learn magic. It's so easy to imagine Kwikspell as an extremely Narmy infomercial complete with Bad "Bad Acting" and Too Incompetent to Operate a Wand.
• The trio need to check out Moste Potente Potions and they imagine telling a teacher they're "just interested in the theory" of Polyjuice Potion.
  "Oh, come on, no teacher's gonna fall for that!" said Ron, "they'd have to be really thick..." [end chapter]
  [start of next chapter] Since the disastrous episode with the pixies, Professor Lockhart had not brought live creatures to class.
• How does Gryffindor, essentially two players down thanks to a rogue Bludger, manage to beat Slytherin? Malfoy is so busy jeering at Harry that he doesn't even notice the Snitch hovering over his ear! Later on, Fred tells Harry that he managed to catch Flint yelling at Malfoy over it.
• When Harry is tricked into thinking Hagrid opened the Chamber of Secrets, he briefly imagines the young Hagrid trying to fit a leash on the Beast.
  • What makes it even funnier is that it's Hagrid—we all know that, somehow, he'd manage to leash a Basilisk if he could.
• The Howler.
• Draco Malfoy's impression of Colin Creevey.
  "Potter, can I have your picture, Potter? Can I have your autograph? Can I lick your shoes, please, Potter?"
  • Even Harry notes how accurate it is.
• Malfoy: "Everybody queue up! Harry Potter's giving out signed photos!"
  Hagrid: "I've heard you've bin givin' out signed photos. How come I haven't got one?"
  Harry: "I have not been giving out signed photos, if Lockhart's still spreading that around..."
• When Ron grabs Hermione's timetable out of her hands, he asks, "Why have you outlined all Lockhart's lessons in little hearts?!" Cue Hermione grabbing it back and walking off sporting a furious blush.
  • When Madame Pince tries to take the slip with Lockhart's signature on it away from Hermione, she asks, "I was wondering if I could keep it?" Ron assures her, "We'll get you another autograph. Lockhart will sign anything if it stands still long enough."
  • After Hermione's Polyjuice accident leaves her hospitalized, Lockhart sends her a Get Well card. Ron's response is "Why do you sleep with this under your pillow?"
• Peeves makes a Sampling gag out of Ginny's Valentine card to Harry. "His eyes are as green as a fresh-pickled toad, his hair is as dark as a blackboard..."
• At one point, Harry's wandering the school and overhears a bit of a Transfiguration class, where a student is being yelled at for accidentally turning his friend into a badger. Not long after, the kid shows up, still with black and white striped hair.
• "Oh, Potter, you rotter, oh, what have you done? You're killing off students; you think it's good fun!"
  • Peeves later tops it off by adding a matching dance-routine.
• When their brewing the Polyjuice Potion requires them to "appropriate" supplies from Snape's personal stores, Harry provides a distraction for Hermione to do the stealing of what they need by lobbing a firework into the cauldron that Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle are using while the class are brewing a Swelling Solution. When it blows, showering most of the class in the potion, Malfoy gets a faceful and Harry and Ron have to hide their amusement at Malfoy ending up with a nose swollen up to the size of a melon.
  • There's also Harry's less than happy assessment of what he's about to do when Hermione insists they need to keep Snape busy for a few minutes.
    Deliberately causing mayhem in Snape's class was about as safe as poking a sleeping dragon in the eye.
• During the winter holidays, an aside mention is made of Fred bewitching Percy's prefect badge to read "Pinhead"; an oblivious Percy keeps asking students what they're laughing at.
• At the very end, Ginny reveals that Percy's odd behaviour that year was due to him secretly dating Penelope Clearwater, one of the Ravenclaw prefects. When she asks the others not to tease him about it:
  "Wouldn't dream of it," said Fred, who looked as though his birthday had come early.
  "Definitely not," said George, sniggering.
  • Right before, the reaction to this reveal.
    "Oh, that," said Ginny, giggling. "Well, Percy's got a girlfriend."
    Fred dropped a stack of books on George's head.
    "What?"
• Harry, eavesdropping on a group of Hufflepuffs in the library, hides from them in the Invisibility section.
• Harry's constant dodging of Lockhart, who tries to use Harry as a way to get even more famous. At one point, Ron speculates that if Colin Creevey and Ginny ever hook up, they'll probably make a Harry Potter Fanclub. Harry asks him to shut up, since "the last thing he wanted was for Lockhart to hear the words 'Harry Potter Fanclub'".
• Harry's introduction to Fawkes the phoenix: he's alone in Dumbledore's office examining this bird, who looks old and sickly. Since he's been having people blaming him for the attacks on the students, he mutters that the only thing missing is that the bird dies while he's alone with him, only for it to suddenly burst into flames and crumble into ash. Harry is mortified, especially as Dumbledore walks in right afterward. He stammers that this wasn't his fault, the bird just caught fire, etc. Dumbledore's response? "Oh, it's about time! He's been looking dreadful for days, and I've told him to get on with it!" Harry is hilariously bewildered at this reaction until Dumbledore explains that the bird in question is a phoenix.
• Shortly after this, Dumbledore is about to talk to Harry about the petrifying of Justin and Nearly-Headless Nick when Hagrid bursts in to protest Harry's innocence:
  Hagrid: It wasn't Harry, Professor Dumbledore! I was talkin' ter him seconds before that kid was found, he never had the time, sir—
  Dumbledore: (tries to say something)
  Hagrid: —it can't've bin him, I'll swear it in front o' the Ministry o' Magic if I have to—
  Dumbledore: Hagrid, I—
  Hagrid: —yeh've got the wrong boy, sir, I know Harry never—
  Dumbledore: (shouting) Hagrid! [Beat] I do not think that Harry attacked those people.
  Hagrid: Oh. Right. I'll wait outside then, Headmaster. (he leaves, embarrassed)
• Dudley teasing Harry by singing "I know what day it is" over and over, only to have Harry retort with: "Well done. So you've finally learned the days of the week."
• Dobby's antics ruin the punch line for Uncle Vernon's "Japanese golfer" joke. While funny on its own, knowing what the actual joke is makes it even funnier.
• When the trio learns that Tom Riddle got a Special Services to the School trophy, Ron jokes that he probably got it for killing Moaning Myrtle. Turns out he was half correct.
• Harry and Ron are initially bewildered by Moaning Myrtle's dramatics while Hermione is utterly unperturbed.
  • When Myrtle laments that someone threw a book in the toilet she was in, Ron mentions that it couldn't have hurt her. Cue Myrtle sarcastically yelling "Let's throw things at Myrtle because she can't feel them! 10 points if it goes through her stomach! 20 points if it goes through her face!"
  • Later on, when analysing said book, the only thing they can figure out is that it belongs to Tom Riddle, because it's blank otherwise. Ron says that Tom simply got a diary and forgot to write in it. Then adds "50 points if you hit Myrtle in the nose."
  • When Harry, Ron and Hermione are trying to find out who Tom Riddle is, they find his name on a list of old Head Boys and on a Medal for Magical Merit. Ron grumbles that he was probably like Percy, the top student of every class, and Hermione says in a hurt voice, "You say that like it's a bad thing..."
• After Hagrid's arrest, Lockhart insists that the crisis is over and hints that he knew Hagrid was no good all along. Harry very nearly pitches one of his books (written by Lockhart) at him.
• The Brick Joke of Hagrid's treacle fudge. When Ron accidentally curses himself, Harry wants to say something to Hagrid only to find it's cemented his teeth together. When they go into the Forbidden Forest with Fang, the boarhound starts barking joyfully at the sight of them until they feed him a piece, which glues his jaws shut.
  • Moments after this, the first thing Fang does after being let out of Hagrid's hut is run to a nearby tree and pee on it. He must've been holding it in.
• When Harry realises Moaning Myrtle was the ghost who died when the Chamber was opened before, Ron gets irritated about the time they wasted.
  Ron: All those times we were in that bathroom, and she was just three toilets away...
• When Professor McGonagall announces she's got good news (that the Mandrakes have matured), everyone starts yelling what they think the news is: Dumbledore's coming back, they've caught the Heir of Slytherin and Oliver Wood immediately assumes that Quidditch matches are back on.
• Harry and Lockhart arguing about the latter's books in light of them all being based on a great big lie.
  Lockhart: Books can be misleading.
  Harry: You wrote them!
  • Lockhart finally comes clean to Harry and Ron, justifying what he'd done by remarking about how unattractive the people he stole credit from were.
    "No one wants to read about some ugly old Armenian warlock, even if he did save a village from werewolves. He'd look dreadful on the front cover. No dress sense at all. And the witch who banished the Bandon Banshee had a harelip. I mean, come on!"
• The illustration of the Mandrakes' party in an illustrated version. One of them is using a mushroom as a drum, another using a plant stick as a guitar, and another using a pitcher as a horn.
• Ron's hand-me-down Shooting Star broom is noted by the narration to be so slow, butterflies are sometimes faster than it.
• Lockhart tries to wipe Harry and Ron's memories after they find the entrance to the Chamber of Secrets, but he uses Ron's busted-up wand to cast the spell and it backfires, erasing his own instead. This leads him to asking if Harry and Ron live in the Chamber, the first place he's "ever" seen them in, and later on when they're explaining this to Dumbledore:
  Lockhart: Am I a professor? Goodness. I expect I was hopeless, was I?
  Ron: He tried to do a Memory Charm and the wand backfired.
  Dumbledore: Dear me. Impaled upon your own sword, Gilderoy!
  Lockhart: Sword? Haven't got a sword. That boy has, though. He'll lend you one.
• There is something comical during the climax after Fawkes delivers the sorting hat and Harry puts it on and tried to talk to it, and then the Sword of Gryffindor materializes in the hat, and the hilt hits his head.
• The book ends on this exchange between Hermione and Harry as they begin to depart Platform 9 3/4:
  Hermione: Your aunt and uncle will be proud, though, won't they? When they hear what you did this year?
  Harry: Proud? Are you crazy? All those times I could've died, and I didn't manage it? They'll be furious...

From the film

"RONALD WEASLEY! HOW DARE YOU STEAL THAT CAR!"

• When Ron breaks his wand when the flying Ford Anglia lands in the Whomping Willow:
  Ron: My wand! look at my wand!
  Harry: Be thankful it's not your neck!
  [cue the Whomping Willow ramming the car]
  • The fact that the Whomping Willow isn't moving until the car crashes into it implies that the tree was happily sleeping and just minding its own business when it was, rather rudely, awoken by an out of control flying Ford Anglia crashing into it. No wonder it was miffed and fought back - would you like a car smashing into you when you were sleeping?
• Uncle Vernon has this gem when he's trying to stop Harry from escaping with the Weasleys:
  Harry: Let go of me!
  Vernon: Oh no, you don't! You and that bloody pigeon aren't going anywhere!
  • And then Uncle Vernon gets dragged out the window and lands head-first in a hedge.
• Funniest line in the Harry Potter movies that wasn't in the books: After Harry and Ron are sent into the Forbidden Forest to "follow the spiders", Ron, who had a previously established fear of spiders, quips "Why spiders? Why couldn't it have been 'follow the butterflies'?"
  • Made even funnier by Chris Columbus taking advantage of Rupert Grint's voice change hitting mid-movie. Yeah, that voice-cracking wasn't completely intentional.
    • Earlier in the movie where the duo encounter the Whomping Willow, Ron's line "What's happening?" is so damn funny that watching that scene blindfolded will make you think that Ron is a whining dog.
• Molly reprimanding the boys for stealing the car is even funnier than in the book - because she keeps taking breaks in between scolding to say hello to Harry and being civil with their conversation.
  Molly: [at full, furious volume] WHERE HAVE. YOU. BEEN?! [normal tone] Harry! How wonderful to see you, dear. [furious again] BEDS EMPTY, NO NOTE, CAR GONE! YOU COULD HAVE DIED, YOU COULD HAVE BEEN SEEN! [back to the normal voice] Of course, I don't blame you, Harry dear.
  Ron: [around a mouthful of food] They were starving him, Mum. There were bars on his window!
  Molly: [pointing at him] Well, you'd best hope I don't put bars on your window, Ronald Weasley!
  • As Arthur sits down for breakfast after arriving home from a busy night of raids, he stares at Harry for a moment as if wondering when they acquired another son.
  • As Molly explains to Arthur how Ron, Fred and George stole the flying car to rescue Harry from the Dursleys:
    Arthur Weasley: [excited] Did you really? How'd it go? [nudged by outraged Mrs. Weasley, while everyone else laughs] Err, I mean, that was very wrong of you indeed, boys, very wrong of you.
  • Meanwhile, Harry is trying very hard not to laugh.
  • "You must know all about Muggles. Tell me, what exactly is the function of a rubber duck?"
    • When this scene was filmed, Mark Williams changed the Muggle object in each take. Daniel Radcliffe is sincerely stumped.
  • Harry and Ron smirk to each other.
  • Ginny is introduced coming downstairs and asks about her missing jumper. Molly's rather casual delivery of "Yes, dear, it was on the cat," suggests that finding articles of clothing on pets isn't unusual in the Weasley household. Also, it may suggest that either Ginny or one of the boys (as a prank) put it there on purpose. Then she catches sight of Harry, and she immediately stops and blushes. It's the perfect expression for "11-year-old girl who ran down stairs wearing a nightrobe only to find out that her celebrity crush is in the kitchen, eating breakfast at their table."
    • Later, as everyone's about to step into the Floo to travel to Diagon Alley, if you look on the mantle above the fireplace, there's a hook in the shape of an orange cat. Presumably this is where Ginny's jumper was hanging.
• The Duelling Club. Lockhart being sent flying as Snape uses Expelliarmus on him and Lockhart's Blatant Lies about how he could have easily blocked it and then tries to get Harry and Ron up to be taught how to block spells, prompting the following line.
  Snape: Weasley's wand causes devastation with the simplest spells. We'd be sending Potter to the Hospital Wing in a match box.
  • This becomes brilliant once you get to the end of the series. After all, Snape had promised to keep Harry alive to honour Lily's memory. He couldn't well let the kid get blown to bits in an unfortunate duelling accident.
  • It's worth mentioning that Snape teaches Potions, which uses next to no wand-work at all. In fact, Snape's first line in Harry and Ron's first Potions lesson with him is, "There will be no foolish wand-waving or silly incantations in this class." Did Ron's wand go rogue in the middle of a Potions lecture?
  • There's also Alan Rickman's delivery upon firing the spell at Lockhart. One gets the feeling that Snape always wanted to do that.^note According to Pottermore, Lockhart was born in 1964. Given Snape and the four Marauders were born from late 1959 to early 1960, that means that Lockhart was attending Hogwarts during Snape's fourth through seventh years and again during Snape's first year as a teacher, five years during which he had to put up with Lockhart's attention-seeking ways.
    Lockhart: One, two, three!
    Snape: EX... PELLIARUMUS!! *ZAP*
• How quickly Snape stops in his tracks when Lockhart volunteers to get rid of Malfoy's snake, like he doesn't want to get any closer to Lockhart while he's waving a wand around. Lockhart's "attempt" does nothing but launch the snake about ten feet into the air, leaving it ticked but unharmed upon landing.
• Harry is still wearing his glasses while impersonating Goyle. This is noticed by Draco when he shows up just as Harry and Ron get caught by Percy:
  Draco: Why are you wearing glasses?
  Harry!Goyle: Uh, reading.
  Draco: Reading? [Beat] I didn't know you could read.
  • Topped off by the look on Malfoy's face after "Goyle" affirms his point, like the thought of Goyle being able to read is not an insult to his intelligence, but genuine news to Malfoy. (Which, given how stupid he apparently is, is pretty likely)
  • Even funnier: Tom Felton forgot his actual line and threw that in to avoid ruining the take.
• First day of Defence Against the Dark Arts
  • As Lockhart makes his entrance and rattles off his spiel, he gestures to an animated portrait of himself painting a portrait of himself.
  • Harry and Ron's incredulity at the questions on Lockhart's "quiz".
  • When the pixies are released, Hermione shoves books aside and leaps from her chair; judging by the stomp of her foot a few seconds later, she has apparently stamped on one of the pixies!
  • Some of the pixies disarm Lockhart of his wand easily, and use it to drop the hanging skeleton in the back of the classroom. One of them even lets out a cowboyish "Yeeeeeehaw!" as it falls.
  • As Lockhart flees the classroom, his portrait self also flees the room, while he also fights a few of them as they steal one of his pictures.
  • A group of pixies hang Neville from the chandelier by the collar of his neck. Once Hermione freezes the pixies, Neville lampshades his Butt-Monkey status:
    "Why is it always me?"
• During the ending scene where Hagrid returns at the end, Crabbe cluelessly starts to join in with the rest of the students, only for Malfoy to pull him down by the tie. Jamie Waylett actually forgot he wasn't supposed to stand up and cheer, but the director loved it so much he kept it. At least, Malfoy and his goons get the last laugh. Even Tom Felton once recalled this during a reunion interview with the rest of the cast.
  • Bonus points: When everyone starts cheering for Harry and Hagrid, the look on Marcus Flint's face is PRICELESS.
• The Howler is even more hilarious in the movie than in the book, starting with Errol crashing into a bowl of crisps on the Gryffindor table.
  Ron: [sees the red envelope] Oh no!
  Seamus: Look, everyone! Weasley's got himself a Howler! [Draco and his friends are shown sniggering at their table]
  Neville: Go on, Ron. I ignored one from my gran once... [looking uneasy] It was horrible!^*In the third book, Neville tries to run out of the Great Hall when he gets a Howler from his grandmother after Sirius Black steals his list of Gryffindor passwords via Crookshanks to break into the dorm. It goes off anyways before he gets to the bathroom, bursting into flames and yelling at him ten times louder than normal
  [Ron nervously opens the Howler, and...]
  Molly via Howler: RONALD WEASLEY!!! [The Howler forms itself into an origami ranting face] HOW DARE YOU STEAL THAT CAR!! I AM ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTED! '[Ron looks at the Howler with sheer terror.]' YOUR FATHER'S NOW FACING AN INQUIRY AT WORK, AND IT'S ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT!! IF YOU PUT ANOTHER TOE OUT OF LINE, WE'LL BRING YOU STRAIGHT HOME!!! [Ron simply nods, too terrified to speak. The Howler turns to Ginny, now speaking in a quiet and loving voice] Oh, and Ginny, dear, congratulations on making Gryffindor. Your father and I are so proud. [The Howler turns back to Ron, blows a raspberry at him, then tears itself to pieces]
  • Even the background music stops for the Howler to be heard.
  • Ginny looks like she wants to crawl into a hole and die rather than be dragged into the drama.
  • Ron's horrified face throughout is just utterly priceless.
• Another hilarious moment not in the book - Harry and Ron are flying the car and wondering where the train is, and then they get this highly amusing horrified look on their faces as they realise the Hogwarts Express is closing in fast from behind them.
  • To top it off, Hedwig's the one that notices the train first, and gets as close to a live-action Eye Pop as possible.
    Harry: I think we found the train.
  • What makes it even funnier is that they were trying to catch the train. Instead, the train caught them.
• After Ron uses Floo Powder to transport to Diagon Alley, Mrs. Weasley urges Harry to go next, Harry looking outright horrified at what just transpired.
  • Soon after, Harry says "Diagonally" instead of Diagon Alley, in which both Mr. and Mrs. Weasley wonder what Harry just said. Also a bit of a Meta-joke as this is how Rowling originally got the Punny Name in the first place.
• Draco takes a terrible spill as he and Harry fight neck and neck for the Snitch (unlike the book, where Harry caught it because Draco was inattentive). While all of the surrounding teachers and the other members of the board of governors are genuinely concerned for him, Lucius can't manage to hide his obvious disappointment.
  • Colin Creevey tries to get pictures of Harry and Draco as they're flying straight at him; he succeeds. Colin then decides he'd best get out of the way of the rogue Bludger that is flying right at him.
  • After Hermione destroys the rogue Bludger that broke Harry's arm, Lockhart tries to heal the latter with a bone-mending spell, Brachiam emmendo. Lockhart ends up vanishing all the bones instead, making Harry's arm stretchy and rubbery to the disgust of the crowd surrounding him.
    Lockhart: Ah, yes, well... that can sometimes happen. But the point is... [bends Harry's wrist completely backwards] You can no longer feel any pain. And, very clearly, the bones are not broken.
    Hagrid: Broken?! There's no bones left!
    Lockhart: Much more flexible, though.
  • Seconds before this, the rogue Bludger tries to take out Harry while he's on the ground, and the last time before Hermione gets there ends up nearly mashing Harry's bludgers.
  • After the outright disastrous Quidditch match, we cut to the infirmary where Malfoy is groaning like he's in pain, while Madame Pomfrey dismisses Malfoy and tends to Harry with a bottle of Skele-Gro. Harry spits out the Skele-Gro only after one sip.
    Pomfrey: Well what'd you expect? Pumpkin juice?
• After Malfoy calls Hermione a Mudblood, Ron is just about to curse Malfoy, but it backfires terribly due to the former's broken wand. Ron then starts barfing up slugs, while Colin Creevey is trying to get pictures.
  • They promptly take him to Hagrid, reasoning that he'd know what to do.
    Hagrid: This calls for specialist equipment. [hands Ron a bucket]
  • We get some occasional levity during the heady conversation on blood supremacism as Ron continues to barf snails, making a comment that applies to both his and Hermoine's situation.
    Harry: That's horrible!
    [Beat as Ron barfs yet another snail]
    Ron: (sickly) It's disgusting...
• While Harry and Ron are using the Ford Anglia to get to Hogwarts after missing the train, Harry falls out of the car and is hanging on to the rear grips for dear life. As Ron tries to grab Harry's hand, the latter finds it hard to due to the former's hand being sweaty.
  • Harry and Ron being ejected from the Ford Anglia after a terrible run in with the Whomping Willow.
  • The car throws out all their stuff including their pets, than just drives itself into the forest like a little child having a fit.
• Neville faints during Herbology after seeing the Mandrakes. Professor Sprout grumbles about how Neville neglected his earmuffs while Seamus tells her that he just fainted, much to Sprout's indifference.
  • While Draco is holding his Mandrake, he puts his finger up to its mouth thinking he can improvise it for a pacifier, and the Mandrake starts biting on it. Draco struggles to get his finger out of its mouth while he glares at it.
• Just as Harry and Ron are about to head to Platform 9 3/4, they suddenly crash into the wall, creating an awful spill.
  • Made even better by the guard from the first movie showing up to investigate.
• "I'm going to be sick!" (smash goes the vial; Ron runs to the toilet.) "Me too!" (smash goes a second vial and Hermione runs to the toilet). Harry, for his part, keeps the potion down, though it's apparently anything but tasty.
  • What makes it even funnier is this: Ron just runs to the toilet - if you watch closely enough, you can see Hermione is literally flailing wildly as she runs to the toilet.
• After Harry and Ron survive the ordeal with Aragog and are left by the Ford Anglia once again, we get this from Ron:
  Ron: "Follow the spiders. Follow the spiders!" If Hagrid ever gets out of Azkaban, I'll kill him!
  • Also, besides the fact that the car appears to have some level of sentience at this point, the way the car just drives off into the forest can also be funny, because it makes it seem like it lives there now. The Forbidden Forest is home to giant spiders, centaurs, and a sentient car.
• This line of Casual Danger Dialogue when Harry and Ron are surrounded by Aragog's murderous brood:
  Ron: Know any spells?!
  Harry: One, but it's not powerful enough for all of them.
  Ron: Where's Hermione when you need her?!
  • As the spiders begin to surround them, Harry is at first oblivious while Ron looks more and more horrified.
• The title of Lockhart's book published after the events of the movie, revealed at the very end: Who Am I? with a picture of him in a straitjacket. Given his fate, it's both an appropriate title, and probably the only book of his with any truth in it.
• Uncle Vernon falling out the window when trying to stop Harry from leaving with the Weasleys.
• As Hagrid enters the Great Hall after his release from Azkaban, he apologises for being late. The reason? Some "ruddy bird called Errol" delivered his release papers too late after getting lost and confused. The look on Ron's face is priceless.
  • In the books, Errol is extremely old and frail, but as there's not a great way to bring that across in visual media, the films appear to re-characterise him as simply clumsy and more than a bit forgetful. In his introduction, he's seen flying straight into a window. A closed window. Most of the family winces in tandem. Arthur, however, just watches for a moment, shakes his head, and goes right back to eating his breakfast.
    • Which is still better than what happened to him in the book. In the book, he collapses from the long trip on a chair, and Percy sits on him by accident!
  • The aforementioned Howler scene just wouldn't have been quite the same if it weren't for Errol showing up with it and faceplanting into a bowl of crisps.
    Ron: Bloody bird's a menace!
• Unintentionally funny, to be sure, but Lucius Malfoy's attempted Disproportionate Retribution near the end of the movie. When Harry tricks him into freeing Dobby - right outside of Dumbledore's office - Lucius whips out his wand and says "Avada-" right before Dobby intervenes. While Lucius being sent flying and knocked flat on his back is funny in itself, it's particularly hilarious because the line was ad-libbed: Jason Isaacs admitted later that he literally said the first curse that came to mind. The Killing Curse.
• In Transfiguration class, Ron attempts to turn Scabbers into a water goblet. Since Scabbers is actually Peter Pettigrew in his Animagus form, all he accomplishes is creating a squeaky and furry goblet with a tail.
  • To quote one Tumblr user, "That was a long 12 years for Wormtail."
• Hermione's reaction when Dumbledore reveals that he's cancelling the end of the year exams. Whilst everyone else cheers, she mouths "oh no" with a look on her face that can only be described as heartbroken.
• This exchange when the Trio is debating talking to Hagrid about the attacks:
  Ron: Oh, that'll be a cheerful visit. "Hello Hagrid, tell us, have you been setting anything mad and hairy loose in the castle lately?"
  Hagrid: [from right behind them] "Mad and hairy"? You wouldn't be talkin' about me, now would ya?
  All three: No!
  • Pair this, also, with the sheer absurdity of a half-giant larger than a telephone box being able to sneak up on anybody.
  • Even funnier is the awkward silence that ensues. Their reactions make it clear that they were talking about him, so now Hagrid thinks they were calling him "mad and hairy".
• Oliver gives the Gryffindors a pep talk before their match against Hufflepuff:
  Oliver: We play our game, Hufflepuff doesn't stand a chance. We're stronger, quicker and smarter.
  George: And not to mention they're dead scared that Harry'll petrify them if they fly anywhere near him.
  Oliver: Well, that too.
• When everyone is gathered around the petrified Mrs. Norris, Lockhart claims that it's a shame he hadn't been there, because he knows a counter-curse that would have prevented it.^note Ironically, this is one occasion when he may actually have been telling the truth. After all, he's had to track down all his victims and hear their exploits in painstaking detail. However useless a wizard he is, he's probably accumulated an impressive amount of theoretical knowledge. Of course, knowing the counter-curse and being able to cast it are two very different things... We then cut to McGonagall, Dumbledore and Snape, and it's clear that they're not buying it for a minute. Dumbledore in particular gives him a scathing look.
• After Harry and Ron disguised as Goyle and Crabbe infiltrate the Slytherin common room and starts the discussion with Malfoy who is the heir of Slytherin. They struggle to behave like the real Goyle and Crabbe to not arouse Malfoy's suspicions with Harry doing most of the reminder for Ron.
  • When Harry answers Malfoy's question, "You think there's someone worse than Dumbledore [to happen to Hogwarts]?" with his own full name in an 'awkward way', Ron nods his head sheepishly hoping that Malfoy buys this answer well, which fortunately he does.
• Harry and Ron visit Hagrid shortly before Hagrid is sent to Azkaban and Hagrid answers the door with a crossbow. The crossbow doesn't look small for him meaning Hagrid has a giant-sized crossbow that he just stores in his house.
• When Lucius Malfoy shows up in Hagrid's hut after Fudge and Dumbledore:
  Hagrid: What're you doing here? Get out of my house!
  Lucius: I assure you, I take no pleasure in being inside your... (looks around) You call this a house?
• After Lockhart Obliviates himself, he picks up a rock and starts fiddling with it. Ron then takes the rock from Lockhart and knocks him out with it. Even Harry winces sympathetically at this.
• While the scene is otherwise rather grim, Snape and McGonagall aren't above gleefully screwing with Lockhart and getting him to go after the monster after the second message appears. Snape, despite his typical deadpan expression and tone, sounds almost amused. Then there's McGonagall, who looks like she's trying not to burst into the biggest smirk ever (which, given what we learn about her later on in the series, she likely was). And once Lockhart leaves, the teachers go right back to discussing how the school will probably have to close, making it clear they haven't got a jot of confidence in Lockhart's ability to actually do anything.
• Lockhart after being pushed down the entrance to the chamber by Harry and Ron.
  Lockhart: Really quite filthy down here.
• Jason Isaacs revealed in an interview that Lucius smacking Dobby in the back of the head with his cane at the end of the movie was not in the script and his choice. Talk about getting into character.
• Myrtle going off on Ron in the scene where he and Harry find the diary.
  Ron: But, it can't hurt if someone throws something at you. I mean, it would just go right through you.
  Myrtle: [getting right in Ron's face] OH SURE! Let's all throw books at Myrtle just because she can't feel it! Ten points if you get it through her stomach! [punches Ron in the stomach] Fifty points if it goes THROUGH HER HEAD! [punches Ron right between the eyes]
• When everybody is clapping for Hagrid's return at the end, Goyle begins standing up, only for Draco to notice and pull him down.

From the games

• In the GBC game, Harry and Ron get to the Fat Lady's portrait and realise they haven't been told the password.
  Ron: Maybe trying random phrases will work. Pudding fork? Butter polish? Fish whistle?
  Hermione: (from offscreen) Maybe you should try "traffic violation" instead.
• In the PC game, Snape's blatantly biased commentary in the dueling club segment.
  • "Today, Hufflepuff will defeat - uh, I mean duel - the famous Harry Potter."
  • When you duel another Gryffindor, Snape warns you not to expect special treatment from your own house. However, if you win the duel, he accuses you of being disloyal.

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