- The Marauder's Map insulting Snape:
Map: "Mister Moony presents his compliments to Professor Snape, and begs him to keep his abnormally large nose out of other people's business. Mister Prongs agrees with Mister Moony, and would like to add that Professor Snape is an ugly git. Mister Padfoot would like to register his astonishment that an idiot like that ever became a professor. Mister Wormtail bids Professor Snape good day, and advises him to wash his hair, the slimeball."
- Especially since Lupin gets to read it.
- Harry's reaction, which is basically halfway between breaking down laughing and shitting himself in terror.
- There were a few funny little moments in chapter 1, "Owl Post". Among them was the flashback to Ron's attempt to contact Harry via fellytone:
Ron: "HELLO? HELLO? CAN YOU HEAR ME? I- WANT- TO- TALK- TO- HARRY- POTTER!"
Ron was yelling so loudly that Uncle Vernon jumped and held the receiver a foot away from his ear, staring at it with an expression of mingled fury and alarm.
Uncle Vernon: WHO IS THIS? WHO ARE YOU?
Ron: "RON- WEASLEY!" Ron bellowed back, as though he and Uncle Vernon were speaking from opposite ends of a football field. "I'M- A- FRIEND- OF- HARRY'S- FROM- SCHOOL-"
Ron (In a later letter to Harry): "Happy Birthday, Harry! Look, I'm really sorry about that telephone call... I asked Dad, and he reckons I shouldn't have shouted."
- Harry asks himself in exasperation why couldn't Hermione have called. Being muggle-born SHE at least knows how to work a damn phone.
- Boggart Professor Snape, in a green dress, with a red handbag, and a stuffed-vulture hat.
- Later on, at Christmas, Dumbledore seemingly gets in a little dig at this when he gets Snape to pull a Christmas Cracker - and out pops a stuffed-vulture hat. Which Dumbledore then cheerfully dons himself (and bear in mind that there's almost no way that he wouldn't know about the Boggart incident).
- Speaking of boggarts, there's also Hermione's taking the form of Professor McGonagall who told her she failed every subject. Even Ron couldn't stop laughing, mainly because he predicted earlier that Hermione's worst fear was doing poorly in school.
- Trust Fred Weasley to comfort you when you lose a pet:
[to the grieving Ron after he thought Scabbers was eaten by Crookshanks
] "And [Scabbers]’s been off-color for ages, he was wasting away. It was probably better for him to snuff it quickly — one swallow
— he probably didn’t feel a thing.” Ginny: "Fred!"
- If there are some readers who think the Quidditch scene's a bit dull, the commentaries of them at least were generally very entertaining. Remember Lee Jordan's opiniated commentary on the particularly brutal Quidditch final?
- And the mention of Lee swearing so badly into the microphone that McGonagall tries to take it off of him. Also, his hitting on Angelina Johnson when she gets the Quaffle.
- Floating aunt, anyone?
- After Harry and Hermione help Sirius escape, Snape bursts in, screaming about how he doesn't know how this happened, only that "THIS! HAS! SOMETHING! TO DO! WITH! POTTER!
- The narration notes that as angry as Snape and Fudge are, Dumbledore seems quite amused by the events.
- Earlier, when Harry gets caught in Hogsmeade by Draco Malfoy, who then tells Snape:
- Every part with Sir Cadogan.
- The "Monster Book of Monsters," especially the comment by the manager of Flourish and Blotts, the Wizard book shop:
"I thought we'd seen the worst when we ordered two-hundred copies of "The Invisible Book of Invisibility." Cost a fortune and we never found them!"
- This exchange:
Percy held out his hand solemnly as though he and Harry had never met and said "Harry. How nice to see you."
"Hello Percy," said Harry, trying not to laugh.
"I hope you're well," said Percy pompously, shaking hands. It was rather like being introduced to the mayor.
"Very well, thanks..."
"Harry!" said Fred, elbowing Percy out of the way and bowing deeply. "Simply splendid to see you old boy—"
"Marvellous," said George, pushing Fred aside and seizing Harry's hand in turn. "Absolutely spiffing."
"That's enough now," said Mrs. Weasely.
"Mum!" said Fred, as though he'd only just spotted her, and seized her hand too. "How really corking to see you!"
- Knowing Rowling, who has a dry wit, this could have been intended as a dig at those audiences who think British people speak this way all the time.
- A couple of pages later, Mr. Weasely says that the Ministry are providing cars to take them to King's Cross and Percy asks why.
"It's because of you, Perce," said George seriously. "And there'll be little flags on the bonnets with HB on them—"
"For Humungous Bighead," said Fred.
- It gets even better when you realize the following description "Everyone except Percy and Mrs. Weasley snorted" includes Mr. Weasley.
- Also, Percy going mental at Ron and tearing their rooms apart when Fred and George nick his Head Boy badge, which they change to say "Bighead Boy."
- It's all too satisfying to see Malfoy and his crew owned by Harry's Patronus spell when they dress up as Dementors and go out into the field trying to scare Harry. It's even more satisfying to see them get owned again by Professor McGonagall after the match.
- Professor McGonagall's response to Professor Trelawney's prediction of Harry's death:
- Immediately before this, McGonagall comments that the class is looking even more sullen than usual:
Hermione: Please, Professor, we've just had our first Divination class, and we were reading the tea leaves, and—
McGonagall: Ah, of course. There is no need to say anymore, Miss Granger. Tell me, which of you will be dying this year?
- Another McGonagall moment: "Tripe, Sibyl?" And this:
- "...and Ginny Weasley, blushing furiously, turned up with a get-well card she had made herself, which sang shrilly unless Harry kept it shut under his bowl of fruit."
- When the Gryffindors return to the common room after Ron's been attacked by Sirius Black, Fred immediately says "Excellent, are we carrying on [with the post-game party]?"
- Snape giving Ron a detention of washing the Hospital Wing bedpans. Ron's response is to wonder why Sirius Black hadn't hidden in Snape's office when he broke into the castle, because, "Then [Black] could have finished [Snape] off for us!"
- Funny thing is, if Sirius had known Snape was there, he probably would have done something to him, whether it be murder or a prank.
- After months and months of learning to "care" for the insanely-boring flobberworms by poking lettuce down their throats, Ron tries to cheer up a despondent Hagrid by asking "How are the flobberworms?" Hagrid's answer: "Dead. Too much lettuce."
- After Harry ends up in the Hospital Wing (again) after his first Quidditch loss, he notices that someone is missing from the team gathered around his bedside:
Harry: "Where's Wood?"
- Harry's completely random Nightmare Sequence where players of Slytherin Quidditch Team ride dragons, and how Wood scolded Harry that he had to use Neville to replace him as a seeker.
- Meta-example: Dean's boggart being a disembodied living hand can be pretty funny for anyone who played A Link to the Past (or even other Zelda games) and got scared by the Wallmasters. The icing on the cake is that A Link To The Past was first released in Europe in September 1992, and that Dean is Muggle-born. This could have easily been where he got said fear.note
- Hermione freaking out when riding Buckbeak with Harry.
Hermione: Oh, I don't like this...I really don't like this!
- Harry's confused reaction during the Time Travel sequence. At one point, he had trouble understanding who Hermione was referring to, present them or future them.
- Ron gets so sick of Malfoy's "fainting Harry" impressions that he throws a crocodile heart at him and hits him square in the face. While Snape takes points off him for it, the fact remains: he hit Malfoy in the face with a crocodile heart in front of an entire class. One wonders how Malfoy's ego recovered.
- Ron snarking during Hermione's last divination lesson, where he remarks that the crystal ball is informing him that there would be a lot of fog that night. Even Hermione thought it was funny.
- On that note, Hermione's EPIC Rage Quit from the class.
- Almost any Divination lesson, courtesy of Harry and Ron's comments:
- From the first lesson:
Ron: "Right, what can you see in mine?"
Harry: "A load of soggy brown stuff."
Harry: "Right, you've got a crooked sort of cross... that means you're going to have 'trials and suffering'- sorry about that- but there's a thing that could be the sun... hang on... that means 'great happiness'... so you're going to suffer but be very happy..."
Ron: "You need your Inner Eye tested, if you ask me."
Ron: "My turn... There's a blob a bit like a bowler hat. Maybe you're going to work for the Ministry of Magic." (he turns it upside down) "But this way it looks more like an acorn... What's that? 'A windfall, unexpected gold'. Excellent, you can lend me some... and there's this thing here ," (he turns the cup) "that looks like an animal.... yeah, if that was its head... it looks like a hippo.... No, a sheep..."
(Harry snorts with laughter)
- During the lesson on "the Orb", which kicks off with Hermione's scathing remarks about Trelawney predicting "the Orb" being on exams and ends with her nearly knocking Ron out of his chair when she leaves:
And so they began. Harry, at least felt extremely foolish, staring blankly at the crystal ball, trying to keep his mind empty when thoughts such as "this is stupid" kept drifting across it. It didn't help that Ron kept breaking into silent giggles and Hermione kept tutting.
"Seen anything yet?" Harry asked them after a quarter of an hour's silent crystal gazing.
"Yeah, there's a burn on this table," said Ron, pointing. "Someone's spilled their candle."
"This is such a waste of time," Hermione hissed. "I could be practising something useful. I could be catching up on Cheering Charms-"
Professor Trelawney rustled past.
"Would anyone like me to help them interpret the shadowy portents within their Orb?" she murmured over the clinking of her bangles.
"I don't need help," Ron whispered. "It's obvious what this means. There's going to be loads of fog tonight."
- The ever-immortal scene of Hermione slapping Malfoy hard enough he staggers. It leaves Harry, Ron, Crabbe, and Goyle flabbergasted, and Ron actually has to hold her back from hitting him again. So Hermione tries to curse Malfoy. What's better is it's implied she slapped him with her non-dominant hand, since she draws out her wand with Ron holding her slapping hand.
- A Blink-and-you'll-miss-it moment, but Sirius has no idea how to react to Hermione calling him "Mr. Black".
- Fudge being unnerved by his meeting with Sirius Black at Azkaban seems creepy at first until the details of the plot are revealed. Fudge was inspecting the prison when he happened by Sirius' cell. He was creeped out by how a convicted murderer "just seemed bored" and casually asked for his newspaper because "he missed doing the crossword." Fudge didn't know Sirius was using his Animagus form to throw off the Dementors and that's how he stayed sane. And it was thanks to that newspaper that Sirius saw the picture of the Weasleys with Peter (in his rat form) perched on Ron's shoulder. So let's recap: this whole plot got set in motion because a bored prisoner asked the Prime Minister for his paper.
- "JORDAN, ARE YOU BEING PAID TO ADVERTISE FIREBOLTS! GET ON WITH THE COMMENTARY!"
Aunt Marge had too much gas...
- The UST between Hermione and Ron. The first is during the lecture where Buckbeak is introduced and Hermione, in a panic, grabs Ron's hand. He proceeds to give her this amazed look, and she shoots him a glance that says "Don't you say a word". The second is when they're visiting the Shrieking Shack, and Hermione asks if he wants to get closer. After a short uncomfortable pause, she specifies that she meant closer to the shack.
Mike: "Hermione casts the 'give Ron a boner' spell."
- When Hagrid asks who wants to ride Buckbeak, everyone backs up a step making it look like Harry has just volunteered.
- Apart from Neville, who looks around, realizes what everyone's just done and ducks behind a rock with an expression of utter panic on his face.
- When Hagrid calls Harry over, Ron walks up and gives Harry a nudge forward.
- The coda to the floating aunt scene. As Harry stalks off, Aunt Marge is visible bobbing and floating off into the distance. Brief, no dialogue, just some distant sound-effects, and it's one of the funniest moments in the films.
- Speaking of that scene, while Aunt Marge is swelling up, a button pops off, hits Dudley square in the forehead, and knocks him down to the floor. When he manages to get back up, it happens again.
- Pretty much all of Harry's confusion at going back in time, since Hermione takes her sweet time telling him in the movie, but the best part being right after he sees his past self for the first time.
Harry (two seconds away from freaking out): This is not normal.
- Dumbledore can make a simple "good night" funny.
Harry: He's free. We did it.
Dumbledore: Did what? Good night.
- At one point during the hospital scene, Dumbledore pats Ron's leg a couple of times (which was in a cast), making the latter whimper in pain.
- Remember the really annoying Running Gag from earlier in that scene? The elderly man in the portrait who was constantly aroused, and subsequently annoyed by Harry's shining Lumos on the walls and would constantly tell him to "Put that light out"? Well, here's where a Running Gag gets turned into an MoF when Snape, after just being humiliated by the Marauder's Map, his confidence dashed, and being utterly degraded by being proven wrong by a longtime rival, gets his head chewed off by the same portrait of an elderly man in pajamas for shining the Lumos spell right in its face. Snape obeys, but with a look of what could be only Tranquil Fury on his face.
Portrait of Old Man: Are you deaf? Put that light out!
- Lupin's response to Neville naming Professor Snape as his greatest fear: "Snape. [nodding] Frightens us all."
- Hermione, all pissed off, threatening Malfoy with her wand against a rock wall. She gets to calm down a little and turns her back on him. Malfoy almost immediately recovers his smug look just before she delivers a punch to his face.
Hermione: That felt good.
Ron: Not good, brilliant.
- If you can find or replay this in slow motion, Malfoy has just enough time to realize he's pushed Hermione too far, as evidenced by the smug smirk on his face turning to a brief moment of sheer "Oh, Crap!" just before Hermione's fist connects.
- In the scene where Hermione is getting the Time Turner ready to use, Harry, curious, reaches out for it. Hermione promptly slaps his hand without looking up from the device, or even breaking the stride of her speech.
- If you look in the background as Hermione turns back the Time Turner, you'll see someone getting wrapped head-to-toe in bandages.
- Ron's random Catapult Nightmare gives us this gem:
Harry: [complete deadpan] You tell those spiders, Ron.
Ron: Okay, I'll tell them... [passes out]
- When Hermione is looking at herself from behind while their present selves are hiding behind the pumpkin patch.
Hermione: Is that really what my hair looks like from the back?
- Sirius's deadpan remarks about how James used to think he was more agreeable as a dog but however he doesn't like getting fleas are rather entertaining.
- The scene where the invisible Harry attacks Malfoy, Crabbe and Goyle outside the Shrieking Shack.
- The Fat Lady painting holding everyone up just to show off to the students that her voice can break the glass she's holding, much to their exasperation. It doesn't work, and instead of giving up and letting them in, she cheats by smashing the glass from the pillar next to her, and pretends that her voice really did break the glass. No one is impressed.
- If you look closely at that scene, you can see Neville apparently trying to cover Trevor (his toad)'s ears. It's as hilarious as it is adorable.
- Easy to miss, but when Fudge arrives in Hogsmeade in a carriage, Hagrid politely opens the door for him — only to accidentally tear the whole door off. Fudge appears to mutter, "Oh, Hagrid..." and leaves the poor guy awkwardly holding the door.
- When Snape catches Harry walking out in the corridors at night after curfew and asks Harry what he's doing walking the corridors, Harry quickly says that he's sleepwalking.
- Daniel Radcliffe's delivery of the "abnormally large nose" line. Of course, it's contrary to how the books portrayed it (i.e. Harry doesn't read it aloud, and he's one part amused and two parts scared half to death), but Dan's cheeky expression as he reads it makes it hilarious.
- During the Aunt Marge scene, as Uncle Vernon is attempting futilely to prevent Marge from floating away, he gets lifted off the ground himself, and so does Ripper (clinging onto his ankle). Then we get this gem.
Aunt Marge: Don't you dare!
Uncle Vernon: (Lets go of Marge) Sorry!
- The music immediately after this is fantastic. As Aunt Marge drifts offscreen, it builds up to a final "duh duh [beat] DUH DUUUUUHH!"; the music you hear after a magician finishes his act!
- The way Petunia just slowly waves at Marge as she floats away. It's almost like she's so confused she doesn't know what else to do.
- When the Knight Bus is driving recklessly through town, it drives down a dark alley and is about to hit an old woman crossing the street, and the driver is able to bring the bus to a complete and abrupt stop mere inches from the woman. Unfortunately, it also catapulted Harry out of his seat and caused him to violently slam into the windshield.
- Then it happens again when it reaches the Leaky Cauldron, just barely nudging a car.
- While waiting for the old woman to pass, the Shrunken Head starts counting down, and either unknowingly or deliberately screwed up the order in one spot:
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, three-and-a-half, two, one-and-three-quarters...!
(old woman safely passes by a hairline)
-YES! (Knight Bus rockets forward again.)
- This gem.
: I saw myself conjuring the Patronus before! I knew I could do it this time because—-well, I've already done it
! Does that make sense?
Hermione: NO! (Buckbeak starts to go into a dive) But I don't like fly-AAAAAAAAHHHHH! (Harry just whoops the entire time)
- That shrunken head on the Knight Bus, throwing Puns everywhere.
"The Leaky Cauldron. Ey, if you have the pea soup, make sure you eat it before it eats you!"
- His laugh.
- Later, Harry arrives at the Leaky Cauldron and Tom the innkeeper offers him pea soup. Harry just looks slightly startled and declines.
- Prof. Trelawney being (in her view) brutally honest (but actually incorrect) with Hermione.
Prof. Trelawney: From the first moment you stepped foot in my class, I sensed that you did not posess the proper spirit for the noble art of divination. You may be young in years, but the heart that beats beneath your bosom is as shriveled as an old maid's, your soul as dry as the pages of the books to which you so desperately cleave."
- Then after Hermione storms out of the classroom in rage:
Prof. Trelawney: Was it something I said?
- While Harry is waking up from falling off his broom due to dementors storming the Quidditch field:
Weasley Twin: (to Ron) Let's walk you off the Astronomy Tower, see how you look after that.
- Snape giving an annoyed response to Hermoine after he ignored her raised hand but she answered his question anyway.
Snape: That is the second time you have spoken out of turn, Miss Granger. Are you incapable of restraining yourself, or do you take pride in being an insufferable know-it-all?
- To top it off, Ron actually agrees with Snape. Then said professor punishes Hermione by deducting 5 points from Gryffindor.
- It comes in the middle of a tense scene, but while Snape has him at wand-point Sirius dares to tell him to "go play with his chemistry set." Consider he and the Marauders bullied him back in their school days, it has the tone of "Why don't you go do nerdy things, you nerd?"
- When Harry and Hermione try to rescue Ron, they end up having an encounter with the Whomping Willow. At one point, Harry ends up losing his glasses and Hermione ends up taking a ride on the Whomping Willow. When he puts his glasses back on, he sees Hermione flying toward him and she grabs onto his shirt. In a Looney Tunes-esque moment, Harry gets a second to look at his shirt and then at the audience, realizing what's about to happen next, before he gets dragged along.
- Harry tries to sneak into Hogsmeade during the second trip by using his Invisibility Cloak. Unfortunately, it's snowing and he leaves footprints as he is walking. Fred and George spot the tracks, walk up and grab him, and drag him back into the castle.
- Snape orders the class to turn to page 394, and Ron complies...one...page...at...a...time. Until Snape notices.
- Draco turns out to be not such a bad artist - his magical drawing of Harry getting smacked by a Bludger and zapped by lightning is actually pretty comical.