Funny / Hancock

  • Our introduction to Hancock? He's first seen sleeping on a bench with alcohol bottles like a hobo, not giving a damn to what's happening in the city. It is a little boy who has the balls to wake him up and tell him do his job. With an insult to boot.
    Little boy: Hancock!
    Hancock: What, boy?
    Boy: Bad guys! (points a TV)
    Hancock: What, you want a cookie? Get the hell outta my face.
    Boy: Asshole!
    Hancock: WHAT?!
    Boy: You heard me!
    • He then reluctantly takes off and flies, and not in a straight path unlike that other Flying Brick. He's still visibly drunk from the night before, a bottle in his hand. He runs into a flock of gulls, almost crashes into a plane, drinks in the bottle and causes some damage on the highway. The whole scene is set to Ludacris' "Move Bitch" for added hilarity.
    • During the chase, as he tears the thugs' car's roof off and sits in to "negociate", half sleepy / half drunken:
    Hancock: If you don't pull over and give yourselves up quietly, I swear to Christ, your head is going up the driver's ass, his head is going up your ass (points to someone else) and you drew the short stick 'cause your head is going up my ass!
    • The thugs' biggest mistake after that? Shooting at him? Hell no. Breaking his glasses? Not even close. They broke his booze bottle.
  • Right before Hancock saves Ray from the train, he knocks on the hood, and just shrugs at Ray, giving him a look that screams "...seriously?".
  • Hancock agrees to go to prison and stay there for a while. Naturally, he's quickly confronted by several guys he put there (which is most of the inmates). When they start trying to harass him, he singles out the two leaders, and threatens to shove one's head (Matrix's) up the other's ass (Man Mountain's). When they don't back off, he actually does it. What makes it even worse... okay, funnier... is the abrupt change in music at that moment from Ice-T's "Colors" to the theme from Sanford and Son.
    Kenneth 'Red' Parker Jr.: He hurt you. Didn't he?
    (other prisoners look down)
    Kenneth 'Red' Parker Jr.: Aw, use your words. How did it make you feel?
    Man Mountain: Sore.
    Matrix: Bad.
    • It's followed by Ray's deadpan delivery of "...Did you shove a man's head up another man's ass?"
  • Hancock meeting Michel, the pre-teen French bully living on Ray's street.
    Hancock: Call me an asshole... one more time.
    Michel: Assho--
    (Camera suddenly pans upward as, in one motion, Hancock grabs Michel by the collar and hurls him out of sight. Vertically.)
  • Hancock calmly strolls into a vicious firefight between criminals and the police, casually wiping off the streaks left by bullets bouncing off of his suit, while everyone around him is desperately hiding behind cars.
  • This exchange:
    Hancock: Good job! Do I have permission to touch your body?!
    Policewoman: Yes!
    Hancock: It's not sexual! (explosion in the background) Not that you're an attractive woman! (Beat) In fact, you're a very attractive woman—
    Policewoman: GET ME THE HELL OUT OF HERE!
    (Hancock obliges and starts carrying her out of the gunfight)
    • Ray teaches Hancock the importance of saying "Good job", so Hancock spends much of the scene saying "Good job" really, really awkwardly to the cops, who just stare at him in shock.
  • "Homo. Homo in red. Norwegian homo."
  • Hancock breaking a number of kitchen implements against Mary, who is similarly powered.
    • ESPECIALLY the bit with the two pans when she turns around and catches him in the act.
    Hancock: I can do this all day. (mimics banging pans together with Mary's head in the middle)
  • The whale Youtube video when Hancock grabs a beached whale by the tail and throws him out to sea, landing smack in the middle of a small yacht.
    Hancock: *puzzled* I don't even remember that.
    Ray: Greenpeace does. Walter [the whale] does.
  • Or his defense for pushing in front of children for ice cream while half-naked in burnt clothes.
    Ray: Those were children, Hancock.
    Hancock: Have you ever put out an apartment fire, Ray?
    Ray: No, can't say I have.
    Hancock: My ass was hot!
  • Doubling as a Crowning Moment of Awesome, the moments leading up to Hancock severing Red's hand, with Red continuously pressing Hancock's Berserk Button. And then culminating in...
    Red: (hesitates, but then smirks) Ass-