Funny / Halo

aka: Halo Silentium

RUN, BITCH! RUUUN!

"I would have been your daddy, but a dog beat me over the fence!"

—Sergeant Johnson

Subpages:

• Halo: Combat Evolved
• Halo 5: Guardians
• Halo Infinite

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• The random lines of dialogue spoken by NPCs in Halo are among the funniest things in all of gaming. In Halo 3 after dying, one of the Brutes might say:
  • "He's dead! Now, we cuddle!"
  • "I need a nurse! No, no, a female nurse."
  • "Can I have his helmet?"
  • "CHARGE! ...BACKWARDS!!!"
  • "HE WAS MY LOVER!"
  • Even better is that there's a special skull in some games the reverses the chances of saying these lines, meaning they come up more often.
• The enemy dialogue in Halo 2 and 3 can be pretty humorous. One that comes to mind is one of the elites' reactions to catching a grenade blast: they yell, in their typical, over-the-top, hammy way, "I'm seeing double!!!"
• You can find many voice outtakes on Youtube; which can be downright hilarious. My personal favorites are the "Corpse-Man" tirade and the "Bet you can't stick it" line.
  Sergeant Johnson: Halo 4, I get a woman. I've been guaranteed. Angela Bassett will be onboard, Halo 4.
• When Master Chief thought he'd shoot his way out, mix things up a little bit.
• In ODST, just watch the Rookie's reactions to Buck and Dare's arguing. And Dutch's prayer at the end of Uplift reserve is also hilarious.
  "Uh... Lord? I didn't train to be a pilot. Tell me I don't have anymore flying to do today" * drone-fighter crashes into a nearby statue* "...So, is that a yes or a no?" * behind him, his vehicle randomly explodes* "(Smiling) Amen."
• " (muffled) Get...this... thing... off of me."
• "Take my advice, Rookie. If you ever fall for a woman... make sure she's got balls".
• After Romeo takes out an Engineer-spawning building:
  Dutch: Well As the Good Book Says..., payback's a bitch!
  Mickey: I don't think it actually says that, Dutch.
  Dutch: I'm paraphrasin', ya heathen!
• From the final mission in ODST:
  Brute: Open this door, traitor!
  Superintendent/Engineer: Spay and neuter your pets. All dogs must be kept on a leash.
• The three versions of the password door in Halo 3. (This is improved by the fact that all of them are voiced by the cast of Red vs. Blue, a Halo machinima, and that all of them seem to be in character.)
  • Easy and Normal:
    Marine (Tucker): Hey, open up!
    Guard (Doc): Password please.
    Marine: You gotta be kidding, what password?
    Guard: The password so that we don't open to door for Brutes.
    Marine: Do I sound like a Brute to you?
    Guard: Well, you could be held prisoner by Brutes.
    Marine: If I was held prisoner by Brutes and knew the password, then the Brutes could force me to tell you the password and open the door for them.
    Guard: ... Okay, well now I'm definitely not going to open the door.
    Marine: But we need ammo!
    Guard: Well why don't you go ask your Brute buddies then?
  • Heroic:
    Marine (Simmons): Hey, open up.
    Guard (Grif): Password.
    Marine: What?
    Guard: I need the password.
    Marine: You've gotta be kidding me, what password?
    Guard: Password. They gave it at the staff meeting fifteen minutes ago!
    Marine: Meeting? What meeting? I was out here!
    Guard: Not supposed to let anyone in without it.
    Marine: If the staff meeting just ended, then no one outside's gonna know the freaking password, now open up! We need ammo and the Chief is out here!
    Guard: [beat] Does he know the password?
    Marine: He wasn't at the meeting either!
  • Legendary:
    Marine (Church): Hey, open up!
    Guard (Caboose): What's the password?
    Marine: Password? Oh man, I forgot...
    Guard: Forgot... what?
    Marine: The password.
    Guard: See, that was almost right. Ah, see, the password begins with "I forgot", but ends differently. Um, try again.
    Marine: No, I mean I've forgotten the password!
    Guard: Nah, uh, you see, you've got it wrong again. See, you said the same thing as last time.
    Marine: I'm being serious, I don't know the password!
    Guard: I dunno, you changed the first part. See, tha-that part was the right part, now you've got the whole thing wrong.
    Marine: No, I forgot what the password is, and I just need you to open the door!!
    Guard: Alright man, now you're just guessing.
  • This little exchange in the "Uplift Nature Preverse" level of ODST, between a wounded marine and the medic treating him:
    Marine: No no NO!! You're not listening! It's a zoo, okay?
    Medic: Well, technically it's a corporate-funded wildlife preserve.
    Marine: Semantics! This whole place is one... big... cage!
    Medic: Listen, marine... you're wounded... you need to try and relax...
    Marine: Except us... we're the zebras! All fenced in, and ready for the slaughter!
    Medic: And the Covenant?
    Marine: They're the lions! RRRAAAARRRGGH!!
    Medic: Careful. I think you just strained a metaphor.
    Marine: (panicking) Oh God! OH GOD!! ...Is-is that serious?
    Medic: Only if you keep it up...
• In Reach, Kat and Six enter an upper level of Oni's Sword base while fending off Covenant.
  Automated recording: Welcome to the Office of Naval Intelligence. An ONI representative will be with you shortly.
  Kat: (dryly) Somehow, I doubt that very much.
• A classic, from Halo 2, "Gravemind":
  Prophet of Truth: The Great Journey is nigh, and nothing, not even the Flood, can stop it.
  (Master Chief teleports in, right next to a Grunt. He looks down at the Grunt)
  Master Chief: Boo.
  Grunt: Aaah! (runs away, as the Chief steals his Needler)
• *Headshot*
  • *Pop!*
  • *Confetti*
  • "Yay!"
• Johnson's rant at the beginning of "Outskirts" in Halo 2.
  Johnson: Dear humanity! We regret being alien bastards! We regret comin' to Earth! And we most definitely regret the Corps blew up our raggedy-ass fleet!
  Pelican Pilots: Oorah!
  • The Covenant then shoot down the Chief's Pelican. As he hauls himself from the wreckage and tries to clear his head, the section title proclaims "They'll regret that too."
  • And sometime later we get this exchange as a group of Marines attempt to retreat:
    Johnson: Where's the rest of your platoon?
    Marine 1: Wasted, Sarge.
    Marine 2: And we will be too sir, if we don't get the hell out of here!
    Johnson: You hit, Marine?
    Marine 2: N—no sir.
    Johnson: Then listen up! When I joined the Corps, we didn't have any fancy-schmancy tanks. We had sticks! Two sticks, and a rock for the whole platoon! And we had to share the rock. Buck up boy, you're one very lucky Marine.
    • This speech after "listen up" changes, depending on the difficulty, just like Johnson's speech at his first appearance in Halo: CE. This one is from Heroic. The others:
      Easy: You had your chance to be afraid before you joined my beloved Corps. But to guide you back to the true path, I brought this motivational device. Our big green style cannot be defeated!
      Normal: The Chief is gonna to jump in this tank, roll across that bridge, and blow up any inhuman sonofabitch dumb enough to get between him and the Prophet of Regret! Pull yourself together, because you're goin' with him!
      Legendary: Usually the good Lord works in mysterious ways, but not today! This here is 66 tons of straight-up, HE-spewin', dee-vine intervention! If God is love, then you can call me Cupid!
    • The conversation between Cortana and Johnson:
      Cortana: Thanks for the tank. He never gets me anything.
      Sergeant Johnson: Oh, I know what the ladies like...
    • And in addition to Johnson's 'tank' speech, the chapter title actually changes with the difficulty as well:
      Easy/Normal: Ladies Like Armor Plating.
      Heroic: Ladies Like Grinding Treads.
      Legendary: Ladies Like Superior Firepower.
• Another hilarious section title where you play as the Arbiter simply says "Your ass, my size 24 hoof"
  • Speaking of section titles, in CE we get "Wait! It Gets Worse!", "But I Don't Want to Ride the Elevator!", and "Fourth Floor: Tools, Guns, Keys To Super Weapons".
• At the beginning of Halo 3, after the Chief wakes up, The Arbiter tells the humans that they need to leave:
  The Arbiter: "We must go. The Brutes have our scent."
  Sergeant Johnson: (Easy/Normal) "Then they must love the smell of green."
  Sergeant Johnson: (Heroic) "Then they must love the smell of hero."
  Sergeant Johnson: (Legendary, variant 1): "Then they must love the smell of badass."
  Sergeant Johnson: (Legendary, variant 2) "Then they must love the smell of badass. And I left a little present for you, Arbiter. And I'm walking away. Ha-ha-ha!"
  Sergeant Johnson: (Legendary, variant 3) "Then they must love the scent of testosterone."
  Sergeant Johnson: (Legendary, variant 4) "Then they must love the scent of a real man."
  Sergeant Johnson: (Legendary, variant 5) "Then they must love the smell of Bvlgari. Yeah, I'm doing a little product placement! I gotta get paid, too!"
• Then there's this winning line from 2, addressed to Tartarus.
  Sergeant Johnson: Please. Don't shake the light bulb.
• In the October 8 2010 Bungie.net update, the first of two "Blame Stosh" clips shows three players in a Rocket Warthog, parked and shooting at an offscreen Phantom. There's a sudden, growing 'whoosh' sound, and then WAM! A Covenant drop-pod lands right smack-dab on the Warthog, triple-killing its occupants.
• Before ODST came out, Bungie had a little glitch with the Brutes. Instead of them charging you while they shot at you, they would pimp walk. Naturally, this became a short-lived meme on the updates.
• In Reach, Elites wielding Energy Swords are very formidable opponents. However, their simplistic AI drives them to charge directly at a player. Normally this works if the Elite can corner you. However, they fail to realize that running towards a speeding vehicle is a bad idea, even if it is a forklift.
• In a small bit of YMMV, choosing to interrupt the conversation between a Jiralhanae War Chieftain and the Prophet of Truth at the end of the Halo 3 level, Crow's Nest. With bullets and explosives.
  Jiralhanae War Chieftain: Success, Holy One! We have taken their Command Center!
  Truth (Video COM): Have you discovered how they plan to stop me?
  Cue the Master Chief firing on the Brutes and killing everybody in the Command Center.
• Halo 3's IWHBYD (I Would Have Been Your Daddy) skull is made of this. Example:
  Friendly Elite: (Chief gives gun to him) One word for you. "Random Gibberish".
  Brute: (After someone kills another Brute) HE WAS MY LOVER!
  • Full list of quotes here: [1].
  • One particularly funny IWHBYD Skull moment is when a Grunt shouts, "Don't kill me! Look, I will join your side!" It will actually sticky grenade another Grunt at that point, and add, "See my betrayal? I can join you now, right?" (He will keep attacking though. Grunts are kinda expendable.)
• Bungie made an intro video to the release of Halo featuring everyone's favorite sergeant...No no, the other one, to teach you how to survive Halo.
  Sergeant Johnson "BEEP them or by god they will BEEP YOU!"
• Bungie PR Guy Jason Jones' (not that one) quote describing Halo 2.
  Halo 2 is a lot like Halo 1, only it's Halo 1 on fire, going 130 miles per hour through a hospital zone, being chased by helicopters and ninjas ... And, the ninjas are all on fire, too.
• From Halo 3 onward, whenever you kill a high-ranking enemy such as a Brute, nearby enemy Grunts often go into literal Kamikaze mode, activating two Plasma Grenades in both of their hands, then proceed to rush toward you in an attempt to fulfill their namesake and cries of what they intend to do as they unceasingly rush toward you. They sometimes even utter Al Qaeda-like Suicide Bomber yells to add to their tenacity.
  Kamikaze Grunt: Please enjoy my Bright! Blue! Balls!!
• In Halo 3, if you manage to flip over an Elephant Tank you will get the following message when you walk up to it: "Hold RB to flip... wait, what? How did you do that?"
• The official strategy guide for Halo 3 has a little gem while explaining the Mauler: "firing the Mauler at someone at anything other than close range is like insulting their mother: it's just a lot of hot air and noise, and it's just going to make them angry."
• In the short story "Midnight in the Heart of Midlothian", the lone surviving ODST has managed to trick the Covenant into reactivating the onboard AI, Mo Ye.
  Mo Ye: Self-Destruct sequence initiated. Four minutes and counting.
  The Covenant begin evacuating rapidly
  Mo Ye: I'm kidding. There's no need for any countdown whatsoever.
  The Elite blinked
  * boom*
• Halo 2, Arbiter's first mission where he cuts the cable holding the Forerunner station aloft. If any enemies, regardless of whether they're Flood or Sentinel, are left standing once he's sliced the third cable anchor, EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM will stop fighting, and look at the groaning metal structure above them.
• When Vergil unlocks the elephant. And when he (it?) has to be pushed into the Phantom's gravity lift.
• It is a common that "Spartans never die, they just missing in action.", as to help with troops' morale. At the end of Halo 3, Master Chief ends up literally missing.
• From Halo 2:
  • After the Chief jumps out of an exploding Covenant ship, and lands on the In Amber Clad:
    Loud THUD as Miranda and Johnson look up at the ceiling
    Johnson: For a brick, he flew pretty good.
  • This exchange:
    Marine: See this look? It's terror!
    Sergeant Banks: Marine, did I give you permission to bitch?
  • On Delta Halo:
    Dubbo: Whoa...it's like a postcard! "Dear Sarge: kicking ass in outer space, wish you were here."
    Johnson: I heard that...jackass!
    • Most of what Dubbo says can fall under this.
• In Halo Wars most of what Serina says counts as this, but the best would be:
  Serina: Recalling surface squads so we can all die together. Aye, sir.
• In Halo 4 when the Master Chief and Cortana just defeated the Covenant at the observation bay. Both then proceed to Tempt Fate like there is no tomorrow.
  Cortana: The good news is these Covenant aren't outfitted like standard military. It's possible we just came across a rogue salvage ship.
  [Blast doors open in front of the windows, revealing several CRS-class light cruisers]
  Cortana: ...or we might have just stumbled into an entire Covenant fleet.
  John-117: Maybe they haven't recognized us.
  [Two Phantoms appear in front of the windows]
  Cortana: That's one possibility.
• Like most Smart A.I.s, Roland is a Deadpan Snarker, but he's absolutely hilarious when he gets into Spartan Ops:
  • In "Random Transport":
    Roland: I'm bored.
    Palmer: Roland! Clear the channel!
    Roland: The data that's confusing Spartan Miller is only confusing because he still thinks the forts are comm relays.
    Miller: So, what are they really?
    Roland: They're a portal nexus. Just like back at those towers. Thought it would be obvious by now.
    Miller: Do you see a way to activate the portals, Roland?
    Roland: Of course. Can I turn on the waypoint for Crimson? It's exciting being part of an Op!
    Miller: Go right ahead.
    Palmer: Hey, Miller, protocols!
    Roland: Get up there, Crimson. I command it! Ha ha!
    Beat
    Roland: Okay, now I'm... now I'm bored again. Bye.
  • In "Engine of Destruction"
    Roland: We've got bad guys in the engine room. They're yelling about "holy technology" and "death to the heathens". I can only assume they're talking about you guys.
• Most of the Red vs. Blue easter eggs. For instance, the one in Episode 8.
  Simmons: Private Simmons to Command! There was a huge firefight down here and engine's all shot up! I need Maintenance, ASAP!
  Miller: Keep it together, Marine! Spartans are on their way!
  Simmons: Oh, great! More people with guns! I'm sure THAT'LL fix the engine!
• While it's in the middle of a very intense scene, there's something hilarious about Del Rio screaming for John's arrest. Not only does he sound like a petulant child, but it's abundantly clearly that nobody else on the ship is on his side, and there's absolutely zero chance that they'd be able to arrest John even if they wanted to.
• Halo: Silentium may end on a sad note and veers toward a Cosmic Horror Story, but it's also got some of the most hilarious things involving the Forerunners:
  • The Ur-Didact, the complex, refined, highly articulate leader of the greatest military to ever exist, eloquently expresses the Warrior-Servant feelings toward lack of gravity:
    Ur-Didact: "As any Warrior will tell you, uneven gravity is a [expletive, possibly sacrilegious, untranslatable]."
    • Then there is his reaction to the Maginot Sphere, based on the ancient philosophy of Jat-Krula—which has been outdated millennia before he was born:
      Ur-Didact: We're ruled by idiots.
    • After formulating a plan to seal everyone but himself in protective bubbles while he blows up the ship they're on, one of the Forerunners offers the Ur-Didact her armor. He mentions that he'd hoped she would: surviving an exploding ship in his underwear isn't a promising outcome.
    • In general, looking back on the Ur-Didact, one realizes he's sort of an oddball.
  • Humans on the Ark hold a ceremony which they allow some Forerunners to attend. Notable events include a Warrior-Servant spitting up his wine and the humans getting several Forerunners, including the IsoDidact, to dance along with them.
  • The Catalog is clearly an odd Forerunner:
    Catalog: The Flood has entered over five hundred systems and infected thousands of worlds and entire fleets.
    Sharp-by-Striking: Tell us something encouraging.
    Catalog: All of those systems have fallen silent, and it is assumed their defenses have been placed at the disposal of the Flood.
    Sharp: That isn't what I meant.
  • During her testimony to Catalog, the Librarian goes into in depth details about the lovemaking she and the Didact engaged in to conceive her children. The details aren't shown in the book, but Catalog is still made uncomfortable by it.
  • Catalog, being the Forerunners' equivalent of the police, acts like a Conspiracy Theorist who sees everything as a potential crime.
    • Releasing solute that will cause those to killed by Halo radiation to disintegrate so as to avert an ecological miasma? Could be used to conceal evidence of another crime!
    • The Librarian and the IsoDidact having him taken to their presence? Subverting his investigation!
  • The Master Builder being told that he obviously bribed the Warden to escape the destruction of the Capital during his trial:
    Faber: The Warden did not preserve me in the midst of all that destruction for reasons of sentiment. It knew my value.
    Master Juridical: The Warden was bribed.
    Faber: How the hell do you bribe a machine?
    Master Juridical: You found a way.
• From Halo 2, Chief and some Helljumpers deploy onto Delta Halo by Drop Pod. Chief opens his pod's door and steps out.
  Cortana: Could we possibly make any more noise?
  Chief reaches back into his pod and pulls out a rocket launcher.
  Cortana: ... I guess so.
• From Halo 3: ODST:
  Romeo: (pointing at Dare and The Engineer) We went through hell for that?!
  Buck: (to medic) Give him some meds, won't ya? (to Romeo) It's important. It knows things.
  Romeo: Heck, Gunny, I wasn't talking about the alien.
  • Buck and Dare are reunited. They shares a passionate kiss while The Rookie look on silently. Vergil!Engineer however seems to... approves.
• Regret and 2401 Penitent Tangent's bickering is quite amusing in the Gravemind cutscene in Halo 2. It's made all the more funny/horrifying that neither of them seem to notice that they've been absorbed into the giant, tentacle, alien, death god thing (particularly Regret, who's been partially absorbed into one of Gravemind's tentacles).
  • Penitent Tangent is completely adamant about following containment protocol and stopping the Flood...despite the Flood's Hive Mind literally sitting right behind him, and in fact has its tentacles wrapped around him.
• You can hijack a Warthog, kicking out former driver or gunner but not both at once. Awkward moments ensue when one Red and one Blue all riding the same car in multiplayer matches... Only when Halo 5 came around that you are able to switch seat and knock whoever that's left out of the Warthog.
• The fanbase's reaction to the updated Master Chief Collection being announced for PC release was... ...shall we say, enthusiastic.
• In equal parts funny and heartwarming, the 2014 PAX panel had cosplayers from 405th.com hit the stage, with one dressed as Mister Chief being highlighted by the very employee who created that 'character' with "No polygons were harmed during the creation of that costume". The guy then proceeded to propose to his girlfriend, with the employee commenting "Rule 34 finally came true!"
• The Mega Construx Halo trailer, including Master Chief making a Grunt bullet dance.
• To mark the upcoming live-action Halo series on Paramount+, another one of their ads featuring various characters on Paramount Mountain was created, featuring such acclaimed figures as Olmec, Beavis and Butt-Head (the former in his Cornholio state), Johnny Knoxville, Painty the Pirate, Eric Cartman, random Starfleet officers and NFL players camping around a fire and singing the Halo theme. Master Chief simply shakes his head at this (along with Lt. Dangle informing Carly Shay about what they're doing) and walks off.
• The Master Chief Collection skull "Grunt Funeral" (sadly only available in Halo 1 & 2) causes Grunts to explode after death (specifically once their corpse ceases to move). This can result in hilarious chain reactions. Especially when combined with the "Boom" skull, which doubles the blast radius of explosions. This can actually make some missions easier by way of turning Grunts into walking grenades that will blow up their comrades upon death. Just make sure not to be in the blast radius when they do, though.
• In the novel Halo Outcasts, the Arbiter finds himself trying to convince a stranded and extremely skeptical human (Lt Petrov) that the war is over and Elites and humans are now allies. His attempts at building rapport through friendly chitchat are hilariously awkward.
  Arbiter: Earth is a beautiful planet...
  Petrov: [horrified] You know about Earth!?
  Arbiter: Indeed. As I said, I was last there when-
  Petrov: You've been to Earth!?
  Arbiter: Do not fear; it never fell. I was there to honor a fallen friend. When I was there, I recall seeing the splendor of Mt Kilimanjaro. It is an incredible sight, and should you have the opportunity to visit Earth, I would make certain that is one place you see.
  Petrov: Are you... are you giving me sightseeing advice?

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