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Funny: George Carlin
  • This suggestion in his book Brain Droppings for an interesting activity to try when you're bored.
    "First, get a taxi cab, hand the driver fifty dollars through the window, and tell him, "Go to the airport and wait for me there." Then, as soon as he drives off, get a second cab immediately, hand that driver fifty dollars, and tell him, "Follow that cab, and under no circumstances allow it to get to the airport!" Then, when he drives off, get a third cab. Get inside this one, hand the driver fifty dollars and say, "Follow those two cabs." When you're about halfway to the airport, take out a gun and start shooting at the first two cabs. Yell, "HI-YO, SILVER!" a lot."
  • His rant about stuff. And where you take YOUR STUFF and leave YOUR STUFF.
  • His "cheer":
    "Ratshit, batshit, dirty old twat!
    Sixty-nine assholes tied in a knot!
    Hoorayyy... Lizardshit... Fuck!"
    • Followed by his immediate deconstruction of the cheer.
      "'Sixty-nine assholes tied in a knot!' ...I don't know what that means, either."
  • From Carlin on Campus:
    Think for a moment about the concept of the flamethrower. Okay? The flamethrower. Because we have them. Well, we don't have them, the army has them. That's right. We don't have any flamethrowers. I'd say we're fucked if we have to go up against the army, wouldn't you? But we have flamethrowers. And what this indicates to me, it means that at some point, some person said to himself, "Gee, I sure would like to set those people on fire over there. But I'm way to far away to get the job done. If only I had something that would throw flame on them." Well, it might have ended right there, but he mentioned it to his friend. His friend who was good with tools. And about a month later, he was back. "Hey, quite a concept!" WHHOOOOOOOOSSHHH! And of course the army heard about it, and they came around. "We'd like to buy about five hundred-thousand of them please. We have some people we'd like to throw flame on. Give us five hundred thousand and paint them dark brown. We don't want anyone to see them."
  • Also from Carlin on Campus:
    "Have you ever noticed when you're driving that anyone going slower than you is an idiot? And anyone going faster than you is a MANIAC! It's a miracle we get anywhere at all with all the idiots and maniacs there are!"
    • Then:
      "There's nobody going my speed! If there is, I slow the fuck down, and keep an eye on that motherfucker!"
  • Again from Carlin on Campus, the meditation on the moment of silence.
    How about a moment of screaming? These people are dead, you know, AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH! How about a moment of muffled conversation, for those who were treated and released?
  • Discussing how people pretty up their words with unneeded additions, such as "emergency situation" ("everything is a situation!") and the use of the prefix "pre-", culminating with "You know what I say to these people? Pre-suck my genital situation! And they seem to understand what I'm talking about."
  • "Have you ever thought about the world's worst doctor? Process of elimination, somewhere out there is the world's worst doctor. And someone has an appointment with him tomorrow!"
  • In It's Bad For Ya, his impatience with people who can't stop talking.
    Carlin: (pretending to be on the phone) You remember my neighbor with the burns on 90 percent of her body? Well, she burned the other 10 percent now. She was lighting a fart and her bush caught fire!
  • Carlin's reducing the Ten Commandments to the Two Commandments in Complaints and Greivances.
    Carlin: So with all of this in mind, I leave you with my revised list of the Two Commandments. Thou shalt always be honest and faithful to the provider of thy nookie... and thou shalt try real hard not to kill anyone. Unless, of course, they pray to a different invisible man from the one you pray to.
    • Not to mention his "additional commandment": Thou shall keep thy religion to thyself.
  • From his Seven Words performance:
    Carlin: (on the word cocksucker) The meaning has changed. It's now 'YOU COCKSUCKER!' It's a bad man. It's a good woman! What happened?!
  • An old standby for George was to tell stories about his pets at home. Watch George get a burst of energy just by telling the audience about dog-humping.
  • This "joke" might have been too easy to make, but it's still worthy of at least a few chuckles.
    Carlin: "I'm Curious George.
  • A few of his simple but effective deconstructions.
    "Legally drunk? Well if it's legal, then what's the problem? 'Leave my friend alone officer, he's legally drunk.''"
    "Undisputed heavyweight champion. If it's undisputed, then what's all the fighting about?"
  • What Am I Doing In New Jersey? Especially "Keeping People Alert," "People I Can Do Without" and "More Stuff About Cars and Driving."
  • "Pro-Life Is Anti Woman/Chickens Are Decent People" is a favourite.
  • "Airline Announcements" from Jammin' In New York.
    • Especially the guy with the Grateful Dead t-shirt and the "Fuck You" hat.
  • Also his bit about the correct meaning of the words "get on the plane":
    "Fuck you, I'm getting in the plane. Let Evel Knievel get on the plane!"
  • Mickey Mouse's birthday
    Funny/Recorded and Stand-Up ComedyJasper Carrott

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