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Funny: Gentleman Bastard
  • "I cut off his fingers to get him to talk, and when he'd confessed everything I wanted to hear, I had his fucking tongue cut out, and the stump cauterized. I called him an arsehole, too. He didn't like that."
  • At one point, Locke and Jean are departing their apartments by climbing down a trellis outside the building. This endeavor is interrupted by one woman's adulterous lover escaping out the same trellis; he is somewhat perturbed by finding two other men outside the window, the woman's actual husband shows up in a drunken rage, Locke and Jean are thoroughly displeased by the whole development, and the whole thing rapidly turns into a five-page interlude of pure farce.
  • In Red Seas Under Red Skies Locke and Jean have to leave a city because Locke went a bit overboard stealing to make a point. Specifically, he steals four purses, a knife, two bottles of wine, a pewter mug, a brooch, gold pins, earrings (while they were being worn), a bolt of silk, a box of sweetmeats, two loaves of bread, and the necklace of the mistress of the governor: she was wearing it at the time. "In the governor's manor.... In the governor's bed.... With the governor sleeping next to her.". In four hours. While he was half-drunk.
    Locke: We may have to leave town.
  • During a flashback in Republic of Thieves, we discover that Locke walked in on Jean and an older actress, Jenora, just after Jean's, ah, first lesson in exchanging bodily fluids.
    Locke: [Jean], it's the [Sanza] brothers, you wouldn't believe what they oh my gods holy shit! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I didn't realise —
    Jean: Those idiot twins, are they in trouble?
    Locke: No. No, no, no. Actually, its not important at all. Weve got it handled. You, uh, you just hell, I can sleep in the common room, you two just forget I exist. Sorry. Have, uh, have a good time!
    Jenora: We are.
    Locke: Great! Well! Excellent! Just going now!
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