Funny / Gentleman Bastard

  • "I cut off his fingers to get him to talk, and when he'd confessed everything I wanted to hear, I had his fucking tongue cut out, and the stump cauterized. I called him an arsehole, too. He didn't like that."
  • At one point, Locke and Jean are departing their apartments in order for Locke to impersonate the Gray King by climbing down a trellis outside the building. This endeavor is interrupted by one woman's adulterous lover escaping out the same trellis; he is somewhat perturbed by finding two other men outside the window, the woman's actual husband shows up in a drunken rage, Locke and Jean are thoroughly displeased by the whole development, and the whole thing rapidly turns into a five-page interlude of pure farce.
  • In Red Seas Under Red Skies Locke and Jean have to leave a city because Locke went a bit overboard stealing to make a point. Specifically, he steals four purses, a knife, two bottles of wine, a pewter mug, a brooch, gold pins, earrings (while they were being worn), a bolt of silk, a box of sweetmeats, two loaves of bread, and the necklace of the mistress of the governor: she was wearing it at the time. "In the governor's manor.... In the governor's bed.... With the governor sleeping next to her.". In four hours. While he was half-drunk.
    Locke: We may have to leave town.
  • During a flashback in Republic of Thieves, we discover that Locke walked in on Jean and an older actress, Jenora, just after Jean's, ah, first lesson in exchanging bodily fluids.
    Locke: [Jean], it's the [Sanza] brothers, you wouldn't believe what they oh my gods holy shit! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I didn't realise —
    Jean: Those idiot twins, are they in trouble?
    Locke: No. No, no, no. Actually, it's not important at all. We've got it handled. You, uh, you just... hell, I can sleep in the common room, you two just forget I exist. Sorry. Have, uh, have a good time!
    Jenora: We are.
    Locke: Great! Well! Excellent! Just... going now!
  • In Republic of Thieves, after Sabetha has successfully drugged Locke and he awakens to find himself prisoner on a luxury cruise ship on an extended voyage to keep him out of the way of the elections, he discovers Jean has also been captured, and also roughed up as he's sporting new bruises.
    Locke: Gods. What the hell happened to you?
    Jean: Remember how she joked about twenty armed men being in the next room? There were twenty armed men in the next room.
  • Locke and Jean dealing with a man who had been bribed by Sabetha to fumigate Nikoros's offices in typical Camorri fashion:
    Locke doubled the amount of his proposed bribe while Jean picked Bilezzo up by his lapels, scraped the ceiling with his head, and cheerfully offered to nail his tongue to the back of a carriage and whip the horses around the city.
    Nikoros came away from the meeting having learned several new words, as well as some novel hyphenations of familiar ones, and a fascinating twist to the art of negotiation that his education had previously neglected.