- In GTA 3, the Citizens Raging Against Phones group on Chatterbox is hilarious.
Protestor: Liberty City was great, before phones ruined everything.
Lazlow: Liberty City was a church, a cow pasture, and three houses when the telephone was invented.
Lazlow: You're the liar!
Protestor: Liar, liar, pants on fire!
Lazlow: What are you— Are you-are you three years old?
Protestor: Lazlow's a liar, Lazlow's a liar! I bet that isn't even your real name!
Lazlow: Shut up!
Protestor: You shut up!
Protestor: Nanny-nanny-boo-boo, stick your head in doo-doo!
Lazlow: Ugh, we're going to commercial.
- Just about every second put to the airwaves of "Pressing Issues with Maurice Chavez" on VCPR. His guests are lunatics, and Maurice grows increasingly frustrated with them. You know you are in for a good time when a death-obsessed goth is the most normal guest on his show.
Maurice: Dios mio, he shot him! T-there's blood and pubic hair all over the studio! Ladies and gentlemen, it is complete pandemonium here on "Pressing Issues" with your award-winning and soon-to-be-executed host Maurice Chavez...
- The Exploder commercial but specially this bit:
Some Guy: "Tim! They've got your wife!"Tim: "But I'm not married!"Some Guy: "You are now! TO AMERICA!"
- The Personal Norse Power Program:
Thor: "Treasure awaits you but beware of your women folk, treachery is deep within her. By the coming of the spring, she shall be no more."
Woman: "Can you give my husband and I advise to keep things hot in the bedroom?"Thor: "Take a longboat and twenty of your finest men. Head to where the sun sets. There you will find a village. Pillage, plunder and burn all that you find."
- Relationship advice:
Lazlow: "Don't forget Love Fist are in town right now or is that Love fist is in town? Whatever, I flunked school 'cause I'm hardcore."
Cousin Ed: You are doing that all wrong!Lazlow: What?
- Don't forget the time when Lazlow was only an intern while Cousin Ed was a full-fledged DJ in Vice City Stories:
- This quote is from an interview segment with a cop in GTA San Andreas: "Yeah, I work undercover in a crackhouse. It's great, I get to smoke crack everyday! I even brought my wife undercover and made her a crack whore! Say hi to the newsman, bitch!"
- This snippet from Just or Unjust on GTA IV's WKTT:
Announcer: Welcome back to Just or Unjust with the Case of the Scratched Truck and the Underage Fuck!
- The end of the Pacemaker talk show on PLR in GTA IV. Waylon Mason, driven to Rage Breaking Point, whips out a drill with the intention of drilling into one of the two other interviewees' head for testing his patience. What makes the scene is how nonchalant Ryan McFallon, the show's host, is throughout the entire situation, first asking for Mason to calm down, then calmly saying this when Mason is unsure of who to drill as the show's running time is nearly over:
Ryan: "I tell you what, Mr. Mason, just drill them both, please. Just hurry up, because that's just about all the time for folks this week on the Pacemaker." *Pleasant jingle plays as Mason drills his victims' heads while Ryan continues coaxing him to stop*
- Pretty much any time you turn on the TV in GTA IV.
- "Dragon Stance!"
- Sage from Radio X in San Andreas gives us this gem.
- An advert for San Andreas Telephone in SA:
Caller: Hello, is Mark there?
Caller: It's me, Shanon. We met at Jack's party?
Mark: Yeah! How can I forget, wow how are you doing? I haven't heard from you in, uh...
Caller: Nine months?
[Long pause as a baby starts crying in the background.].
- Lazlow's Integrity 2.0 interview with a Central American hot-dog vendor concludes with him seizing the guy by the back of the head and shoving his face into the water tank.
"HOW DO YOU LIKE AMERICA NOW, MOTHERFUCKER?!"
- Iggy Pop on Liberty Rock Radio, full stop.
- In GTA III, a person rings in bringing a warning...
Lazlow: Hello, caller, you're on the air! Are you sane? Are you a sane caller?
Caller: Absolutely, Lazlow. Killer bees!
Lazlow: K-killer bees.
Caller: Yes! Killer bees! Did you know that if the current migration north continues, we will be dead in three years? Do you want to become a bee supper? I don't. That's why we must act now! Killer bees must be stopped!
Lazlow: I wonder why more people aren't talking about this. I mean, killer bees swarming; it sounds pretty serious.
Caller: Ah — but the killer bees are nothing compared to ants! You can't kill them. They are like sheep! They're going to take over!
- "DON'T YOU GO DISRESPECTING COCONUT WATER". Topped only by the realization that what he thought was Tibet was actually Wales.
- Blaine County Radio. Oh my god, is it hilarious.
Bobbi June: I don't judge people...well, not white people.
Caller: We all know it's common knowledge; polio's like a snake bite. You just suck out the poison. People in wheelchairs are quitters!
- These bits from Blaine Country Radio Community Hour.
Trevor: Ron, you there? You better not put me on your show you fucking prick or I'll drink the blood from your still pumping veins!
Ron: What a guy!
- Flying Lotus takes a break from DJing FLyLo FM to answer some callers:
Flying Lotus: Let's go to the phones real quick.
Man: Yeah I'm callin' in to request... uh... any music, that ain't this. Stop playing everything that you been playing because your music sounds like a dumpster rollin' down five flights o' stairs!
- The entire interview between OG Loc and Lazlow in San Andreas:
Lazlow: Look, I don't know what you said but.. uh... this ought to calm me down... I brought you some malt liquor.
OG Loc: You's a BUSTA fool. Lucky I don't hang you out the window, or turn you out, 'cause I'm also a pimp. Including dudes, I'll pimp ANYTHING, ya hear me?
Lazlow: Dude! I hear ya loud and clear man, you will pimp anything. Listen, how many hot women need a man? 'Cause I mean, it's always been a dream of mine to sleep with housewives.
OG Loc: ARE. YOU. DISSIN. MY. HOES. BITCH?!
- The final segment of Lonely Hearts from San Andreas, particularly the Hostile Show Takeover
Fernando: You talk too much, lady. For example, if you look out the window you will see your car is on fire.Kirsty: Oh my god!(sound of her running, and a door slamming, followed by someone else entering the room)Fernando: Fernando is back!
- James Pedeaston of The Wild Traveler in San Andreas has some utterly glorious comebacks for the "uncultured" callers he gets.
"Well, that sounds lovely. With people like you around, it's no wonder we don't bother curing cancer.""I hear that there is a casino in Las Venturas that is just like the rest of the world! Only with better toilets, and full of morons like you!"
Funny / GTA Radio
Due to the nature of every Show Within a Show in Grand Theft Auto, it can be argued that the entire concept is one Crowning Moment of Funny. Here are some specific ones, though.