Funny / Full Metal Jacket

  • Joker is asked in an interview why did he enlist:
    I wanted to see exotic Vietnam... the crown jewel of Southeast Asia. I wanted to meet interesting and stimulating people of an ancient culture... and kill them. I wanted to be the first kid on my block to get a confirmed kill.
  • "No boom-boom with soul brother, his Alabama blacksnake is too beaucoup."
    • Everything about the hookers.
  • Eightball commenting on Animal Mother.
    Eightball: Now you might not believe it, but under fire Animal Mother is one of the... finest human beings in the world. All he needs is somebody to throw hand grenades at him the rest of his life.
  • Marine cadences: "I don't know but I been told / Eskimo pussy is mighty cold"
    • "Ho Chi Minh is a son of a bitch / Got them blueballs, crabs and the seven-year itch!"
  • The Training Montage with Joker doing pull-ups:
    Hartman: One for the Commandant!
    (Joker struggles through)
    Hartman: One for the Corps! (Joker struggles) Come on, pull!
    (Joker fails to do the pull-up and drops from the bar)
    Hartman: (dejected) Looks like the Corps don't get theirs.
  • "Reveille! Drop your cocks and grab your socks!"
  • Many of Gunny Hartman's insults and "inspirational" lines are pretty funny:
    • "Your days of fingerbanging ol' Mary Jane Rottencrotch through her pretty pink panties ARE OVER!"
    • "You are so ugly you could be a Modern Art masterpiece!"
    • "Your ass looks like about a hundred and fifty pounds of chewed bubble gum!"
    • One of R. Lee Ermey's best improvised lines: "I bet you're the kind of guy that would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddamn common courtesy to give him a reach-around!" At one point, Kubrick actually stopped the filming and had Ermey explain what a reach-around was. Amusingly (and perhaps understandably), Kubrick was disgusted. He then demanded a second take of the scene, telling Ermey to be sure to leave that line in.
    • "You climb like old people fuck!"
    • "Holy dog shit, Texas! Only queers and steers come from Texas...and you don't look like a steer to me, so that kinda narrows it down."
    • "Oh, that's right, Private Pyle, don't make any fucking effort to get to the top of the fucking obstacle. If God would have wanted you up there, He would have miracled your ass up there by now, wouldn't He?! I'll bet if there was some pussy up there, you would get up there, wouldn't you?"
    • "Private Pyle, whatever you do, don't fall down! That would break my fucking heart!"
    • "Now move it! Or I'm going to rip your balls off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world! I will motivate you, Private Pyle, if it short-dicks every cannibal on the Congo!"
    • "How tall are you, private?" "Sir, five foot nine, sir!" "Five foot nine, I didn't know they stacked shit that high!"
    • "I want that head so sanitary and squared-away that the Virgin Mary herself would be proud to go in and take a dump. " Then Joker cheerfully denies believing in her and Hartman is at his angriest .
    • "God has a hard-on for Marines because we kill everything we see! He plays His games, we play ours! To show our appreciation for so much power, we keep heaven packed with fresh souls! God was here before the Marine Corps! So you can give your heart to Jesus, but your ass belongs to the Corps!"
    • Hartman's horrified reaction to Joker deciding to join the military journalists rather than becoming a standard Marine.
    • Watch all of Hartman's classic "inspirations" here!
  • The scene with the gung-ho Colonel, especially his bewilderment when he's presented with the Jungian thing and the duality of man. And of course, his Insane Troll Logic:
  • During the "Me So Horny." When Rafterman was gonna take a picture of Joker and the Vietnamese Prostitute, a local man steals their camera and tries to intimidate Joker with lightning-fast mock Martial arts poses. Joker, living up to his name, responds in kind with his own poses. It doesn't get their camera back, but it's still pretty damn funny.
  • The door gunner doing his "thing" is heinous, but his casual, unapologetic delivery is so good that it crosses into Comedic Sociopathy territory: "Ain't war hell?"
    • And right after his gleeful civilian kill count, he proceeds to mention that he's gunned down 50 water buffaloes. Apparently this is important too.
    AND 50 WATER BUFFALOES!
    • During the whole scene, we see Rafterman sitting uncomfortably next to Joker and retching, without any clue on whether he's being sickened by the senseless shooting or by the helicopter ride.
  • Bird Is The Word is played during a scene of the film and I must admit it is a funny song.
  • The lads have a ball when a film crew passes by them:
    Joker: Is that you, John Wayne? Is this me?
    Cowboy: Hey, start the cameras. This is Vietnam: The Movie.
    Yeah, Joker can be John Wayne, I'll be a horse.
    T. H. E. Rock can be a rock.
    I'll be Ann-Margret.
    Animal Mother can be a rabid buffalo.
    I'll be General Custer.
    Rafterman: Who'll be the Indians?
    Animal Mother: Hey, we'll let the gooks play the Indians.
  • The motto of the military journalists: "First to Go Last to Know: We Will Defend to the Death your Right to be Misinformed."


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