Funny: Frank Zappa

Take it away, Funny page!

  • "Duke of Prunes" from Absolutely Free.
    And I know, I think, the love I have for you will never die . . . well, maybe.
  • "Call Any Vegetable" from Absolutely Free.
    A prune isn't really a vegetable. CABBAGE is a vegetable.
  • "Harry, You're a Beast" from We're Only in It for the Money.
  • "Let's Make The Water Turn Black"
  • The cover of Weasels Ripped My Flesh
  • "My Guitar Wants to Kill Your Mama"
  • "I'm the Slime" from Over-Nite Sensation, specifically the version featuring Don Pardo doing vocals.
  • "Dirty Love"
  • "Wind Up Workin' in a Gas Station" from Zoot Allures.
  • "The Torture Never Stops"
  • "I Have Been in You" from Sheik Yerbouti. Special bonus for the backing vocals simulating the unfortunate screams of the girl he's been in.
  • "Dancin' Fool"
    • Zappa was nominated for several Grammy awards, but the only one he actually won was for Jazz From Hell, which although a fine album is hardly the greatest one he ever made — still, of all the wrongheaded Grammy nominations he had, the most deserved of them was for his wonderfully dumb-ass singing on "Dancin' Fool".
  • "Why Does It Hurt When I Pee?"
  • "The Illinois Enema Bandit" from Zappa In New York.
    Aw, the pitiful screams / Of all those college-educated women . . .
  • "Broken Hearts Are For Assholes"
    Don't fool yourself girl, it's goin' right up your poop — chute — ayayayay
  • "Montana"
    I'm pluckin' the ol' Dennil Floss / That's growin' on the prairie / Pluckin' the floss! / I plucked all day an' all nite an' all Afternoon. . .
    • Bonus point: That's sung by Tina freaking Turner and the Ike-Ettes.
      • Also, on a more meta note, Ike's reaction when Tina excitedly played her hard work for him: he simply said "What is this shit?" and walked out. Of course, considering Ike's abusive treatment of Tina, this might have become... not so funny later.
  • "Teenage Prostitute"
  • "Zomby Woof"
  • The utterly insane backing vocals of "Be In My Video"
  • "Honey, Don't You Want A Man Like Me?"
    • The whole song is undoubtedly one of the funniest things Zappa ever wrote, but the version on Lšther has a bonus crowning moment; during a brief pause in the song, a guy in the audience shouts "Fuck you, Zappa!" Without missing a beat, Zappa shouts back "And fuck you too, buddy, you know what I mean? Fuck you very much!"
  • This gem of a zinger:
    Interviewer: "Frank, you have long hair. Does that make you a woman?"
    Frank Zappa: "You have a wooden leg. Does that make you a table?"
  • Adrian Belew doing a hilariously accurate Bob Dylan imitation on "Flakes" from Music Sheik Yerbouti.
    • Not just that though, the whole song is hilarious. Especially these lines:
      Well our toilet went crazy yesterday afternoon
      The plumber he said never flush a tampoon.
      This great information cost me half a week's pay
      And the toilet blew up later on the next day-ay-ay.
  • The monologue at the start of "Cheepnis" from Roxy And Elsewhere, where he sings the praises of So Bad, It's Good movies in general, and It Conquered the World inparticular. Doubly funny for MSTies
  • The "Don't Eat The Yellow Snow Suite", which gets gradually funnier as it progresses.
    "Whereupon I proceeded to take that mittenful of the deadly yellow snow
    Crystals and rub it all into his beady little eyes with a vigorous
    Circular motion hitherto unknown to the people of this area, but destined
    To take the place of the mudshark in your mythology
    Here it goes now, the circular motion, rub it!"
  • "Stink-Foot"
    You know, my python boot is too tight
    I couldn't get it off last night...
  • Joe's Garage has a couple of these, including "A Token Of My Extreme".
    Joe: Oh, oh, oh, mystical adviser
    What is my problem, tell me, can you see?
    L. Ron Hoover: You have nothing to fear, my son
    You are a latent appliance fetishist, it appears to me.
  • Look here, brother, who you jivin' with that Cosmik Debris!
    • Now is that a real poncho or is that a Sears poncho? Don't you know you could make more money as a butcher?
      • "BUT I GOT ZE KRISTL BOL!" ...he said, and held it to the light!
  • "There is no hell, there is only... France!"
  • The studio chatters that have made their way onto several albums are great little nuggets as well, some of which were even long enough to be separate tracks (see Sheik Yerbouti). Some other classic ones are sprinkled throughout the Shut Up 'n Play Yer Guitar trilogy, such as this gem:
    Terry Bozzio: It's gone!
    Patrick O'Hearn: What, your talent for sucking?
    Bozzio: I—
    O'Hearn: Never.
    • Another classic one on the trilogy is the one that gives "Beat It With Your Fist" its title. Listen to it here, and check this out if you need a transcript.