- No less than five minutes in, we get this gem:
: Everything looks good from here. **Zoom out, revealing Wash is playing with plastic dinosaurs**
[As Stegosaurus]: "Yes... Yes. This is a fertile land, and we will thrive. We shall rule over all this land, and we shall call it... 'This Land'
[As Allosaurus]: "I think we should call it YOUR GRAVE!"
[Stegosaurus]: "Aaaah! Curse your sudden but inevitable betrayal
[Allosaurus]: "Ha ha ha! Mine is an evil laugh! Now DIE!"
[Stegosaurus]: "OH GOD! OH DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN!"
- Every other episode or so they show Wash flying the plane and a plastic dinosaur just happens to be in front of the camera.
- "Some starts pokin' around just, shoot 'em." "Shoot them?" "Y'know. Politely."
- Mal has a very good reasoning for why they won't die:
Mal: We can't die, you know why? Because we are so very... pretty. We are just too pretty to die.
- Mal and Zoe talking about who to sell their cargo to.
Zoe: Sir, we don't want to be dealing with Patience.
Mal: Why not?
Zoe: She shot you.
(Later, when mentioning the matter to Wash:)
Wash: Didn't she shoot you one time?
Mal: Everybody's making a fuss.
(A little bit later on:)
Wash: It is her turn.
- And when trying to conciliate Patience herself:
Mal: I realize certain words were exchanged. Also, certain... bullets.
- When Jayne makes his desire to torture Dobson clear:
Mal: The problem is we don't know how much info got passed to your Alliance friends before we killed the signal, so we've assigned Jayne here the task of finding that out.
Jayne: (Draws a really big knife from his belt) He was non-specific as to how.
Mal: You know you only gotta scare him.
Jayne: (Innocently) Pain is scary.
- Mal had told Simon that if Kaylee died from the gunshot wound that he'd refused to treat in order to force him to get away from the Feds, he'd throw Simon out the airlock. Well, Mal tells Simon that Kaylee's dead. Dramatic violin music plays as Simon bolts to the infirmary and finds... Kaylee, who innocently smiles and waves at him.
Simon: That man's psychotic!
(cut to Mal, Zoe, Jayne & Wash laughing hysterically on the bridge.)
Wash: You are psychotic!
Mal: No, you should've seen his face. Oh, I'm a bad man.
- This is, without a doubt, the funniest moment in the entire series. Why? Because Joss Whedon is parodying himself. According to the commentary, even the Fox executives took note: "This pilot isn't very funny — except that one time Mal was really mean to Simon!"
- Jayne's "Lemme do the math; nothin' inta nothin', carry the nothin'..."
- Or Mal's "Jayne, your mouth's talkin', you should look to that."
- And what's Jayne's job? Public relations.
- When Mal decks Simon for comparing him to the Alliance, Jayne's casual "Saw that comin'" is amusing, but the real icing is Wash in the background shaking his head at Simon's stupidity and Book's quiet "Son, you are dumb" expression.
- River and Simon's introduction. Who's the genius here?
Simon: River? River, it's me. You know who I am?
River: (looks at him with a 'well, duh' expression, speaking with an even more annoyed tone) Simon.
- [Mal and Zoe walk through a wagon full of armed alliance troops]
Zoe: You don't think this changes the situation a bit?
Mal: I surely do. Makes it more fun.
Zoe: Sir, I think you have a problem with your brain being missing.
- Mal's...pragmatic approach to diplomacy:
: (to Crow)
This is all the money Niska gave us in advance. You bring it back to him. Tell him the job didn't work out. We're not thieves. Well, we are thieves
— point is, we're not taking what's his. We'll stay out of his way as best we can from here on in. You explain that's best for everyone. Okay?
(Another henchman is brought to Mal.)
Mal: This is all the money Niska gave us -
Henchman: I get it. I'm good. Best thing for everyone. I'm right there with you.
- It says something about the strength of Firefly's writing when that's one of the damned funniest moments in the series.
- And his "darn" just before he does so. Because when kicking people into engines, one must always watch one's language.
- The justly famous chain of command:
Jayne: You know what the chain of command is? It's the chain I go get and beat you with until you understand who's in ruttin' command here. Now we're finishing this deal, and then maybe, maybe we'll come back for those morons got themselves caught, and you can't change that by getting all... bendy.
Wash: ...All what?
Jayne: You got the light, from the console to keep you... lifting you up... they shine like... (starts grabbing at the air) little angels...
Wash: Did he just go crazy and fall asleep?
Simon: I told him to sit down.
- This is made more awesome by the audience not being made aware he was thudded until right afterwards.
- A hilarious Shout-Out to Blake's 7:
Mal: Nice shot.
Drugged up and slurring!Jayne: I was aimin' fer his head.
- After Mal tells everyone they're returning the cargo: "Wha? Whaddya mean, back? Ah waited fer you guysh!"
- Jayne is a veritable font of these:
- A moment before, Simon is suggesting that they take them by surprise. Cut to Jayne grinning with newfound respect for the doctor.
- After Mal is told to finish off his opponent at the end of the duel:
- Earlier, pretty much the entire scene between Mal, Jayne, and Badger.
Badger: He won't deal with me direct. He's taken an irrational dislike to me.
Jayne: What happened, did he see your face?
Badger: Of course, you couldn't buy an invite with a diamond the size of a testicle, but I've got my hands on a couple. (Mal and Jayne glance at each other and start sniggering)...of invites!
- The funniest part of this is that Jayne's comment is a sudden shot to him, while he stuffs his face with Badger's sandwiches. He says it with his mouth full, and Badger's reaction is priceless.
- Mal's thoroughly surprised look when Jayne correctly uses the word 'pretentious' in a sentence. Doubles as a CMOA for Jayne actually knowing how to use the word properly.
- When Mal meets the client:
Client: Whom do you represent?
Mal: "Represent" ain't exactly the -
Client: Don't waste my time.
Mal: Fella called Badger.
Client: I know him, and I think he's a psychotic lowlife.
- The verbal beating the Cool Old Guy gives the Alpha Bitch that insults Kaylee.
What a vision you are in your fine dress — it must have taken a dozen slaves a dozen days to get you into that getup. 'Course, your daddy tells me it takes the space of a schoolboy's wink to get you out of it again.
- This exchange:
Wash: (to Zoe) I can get you a slinky dress. Captain, can I have money for a slinky dress?
Jayne: I'll chip in.
Zoe: (smiling) I can hurt you.
- The whole scene where River rips Badger apart by reading his mind, mimicking his accent, and then brushing him off, especially because it just comes completely out of nowhere, and everyone's so dumbstruck that she's speaking complete sentences that they forget to take advantage of the distraction.
- At the beginning:
Jayne: Hee-ya! (whips a cow)
Mal: You know, they walk just as easy if you lead 'em.
Jayne: I like smackin' 'em!
- Don't forget about River's rant from the same episode.
- Mal's reaction to River's explanation about the cows.
River: They weren't cows inside. They were waiting to be, but they forgot. Now they see sky and they remember what they are.
Mal: (To Jayne, slightly freaked out) Is it bad that what she just said made perfect sense to me?
- After Mal complains about River's yelling upsetting the cattle:
River: The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds given adequate vacuuming systems.
Mal: ...See, morbid and creepifying, I got no problem with. As long as she does it quiet like.
- Jayne goes through Simon's things:
Jayne: (flipping through Simon's diary and mimicking Simon) Dear Diary, Today I was pompous and my sister was crazy. Today we were kidnapped by hillfolk, never to be seen again. It was the best day ever!"
- Later when Simon and River get back, Jayne is seen rapidly dumping everything he stole out of his duffle bag and nervously talking about how glad he is Simon is back.
- River convincing Simon she'd just poisoned him.
- Pretty much all of "Our Mrs. Reynolds" is like this, if you were to watch that episode in isolation, you'd be forgiven for assuming that Firefly is a straight-up comedy. And a damn fine one at that: Wash's stuff about juggling geese, all the exchanges regarding the "special hell" and drugged-up Inara are the parts that stand out.
- At the very start of the episode:
Thug: You gonna give us what do us, and every damn thing else on that boat. And I think maybe you gonna give me a little one on one time with the missis.
Jayne: I think you might wanna reconsider that last part, see I married me a powerful ugly creature.
Mal: How can you say that? How can you shame me in front of new people?
Jayne: If I could make you prettier I would!
Mal: You are not the man I met a year ago!
Jayne: There's times I think you don't take me seriously. I think that oughta change.
Mal: Do you think that's likely to?
Jayne: You got something you don't deserve.
Jayne: Six men came to kill me one time. The best of 'em carried this. It's a Callahan full-bore auto-lock. Customized trigger. Double cartridge thorough gauge. It is my very favorite gun.
(He proffers it to Mal.)
Mal: Da-shiong bao-jah-shr duh la doo-tze... Are you offering me a trade?
Jayne: A trade? Hell, it's a theft! This is the best damn gun made by man. It has extreme sentimental value! It's miles more worthy'n what you got.
Mal: 'What' I got? She has a name!
Mal: Well, my days of not taking you seriously are certainly comin' to a middle.
- Even better is the flubbed take of Jayne's response from the blooper reel:
: Dammit Mal... (beat
) I forgot my line!
- The end of that conversation?
- And how can we forget:
: If you take sexual advantage of her, you're going to burn in a very special level of Hell. A level they reserve for child molesters... and people who talk at the theater
: *walks away* Shepherd Book
: *leans out the door* The special
- "Ohh, I'm going to go to the special hell..."
- Later when it's revealed that Mal did fall for Saffron's seduction, Book's comment? "Isn't that... special."
- Another gem:
Mal: But she was naked! And all...articulate!
Wash: OKAY! Everybody not talking about sex, in here. Everybody else, elsewhere.
- "Maybe she likes shuttles. (Beat. Everyone stares at Wash.) Some people juggle geese!"
- Not to mention the deleted scene where River pulls a Mind Screw on Simon by demanding he marry her to prove he loves her, and then stuffs a pillow under her shirt and says that they're already expecting a baby. The absolutely straight way River delivers the entire scene just makes it even funnier.
- She's in the family way...
- "...you know that's not something brothers and sisters do. I mean, on some planets, but only pretty bad ones!"
- Jayne's take on the paralyzing lipstick and everyone's speechless reaction:
Jayne: That's why I never kiss 'em on the mouth.
- The funniest thing about it is that everyone else looks shocked, but Kaylee just closes her eyes and looks really exasperated.
- Jayne is on top of his game in this one.
Jayne: All I got was that dumb-ass stick sounds like it's raining, how come you got a wife?
- The way Zoe reacts to the presence of Saffron. Zoe's usually stoic, so her summoning of the entire crew seems like an Out-of-Character Moment... until you notice that, in the background of the rest of the scene, she's stifling giggles into Wash's shoulder.
Zoe: Sir, everyone should congratulate you on your day of bliss!
- Post-dinner scene:
Saffron: If you're done eating, would you like me to wash your feet?
Mal: (Several seconds of deadpan silence as he looks to Zoe and Wash, then leaves without saying a word.)
- It's the look on his face that sells it.
- Then later on when Inara mentions that washing her clients' feet is her specialty.
- It's even funnier for biblical scholars. "Wash your feet" is sometimes an Unusual Euphemism for oral sex. Which sends the joke straight into Parental Bonus territory...
- The end of the episode, where Inara is about to resolve the unresolved sexual tension between Mal and her by admitting she kissed him while he was knocked out, which knocked her out as a consequence. Mal instead takes it as an admission that she kisses Saffron and giddily, smugly walks out. The look on Inara's face is priceless.
- The way he said it was pretty damned funny, too...
- Before Inara got knocked out herself, her realizing that Mal's lips are still drugged. Note that she goes from completely worried sick and crying to...
"Oh, you stupid sonofabi-"
- "The Hero of Canton, the man they call Jaaaaaaayne!"
- The reactions to the statue in the center of the mudder community.
: (Having discussed with Kaylee that he rarely swears "unless it's appropriate")
Son of a bitch
Wash: I think they captured him, y'know? Captured his essence.
Kaylee: He looks sorta angry...
Wash: Kinda what I meant.
- "Everywhere I go, his eyes keep following me..."
- "This is what going mad must feel like."
- Extra funnier when Simon, after hearing "The Hero of Canton", says: "No, THIS is what going mad feels like".
- Drunk Simon and Kaylee. The whole sequence, topped off with drunk Jayne is gold.
- River's reaction to the monstrosity that is Book's unbound hair.
River: They say the snow on the roof is too heavy, and that the ceiling will cave in. His brains are in terrible danger.
Zoe: River, please, why don't you come on out?
River: No! Can't. Too much hair.
Book: Is - is that it?
Zoe: Hell yes, preacher! If I didn't have stuff to do, I'd be in there with her.
Book: River, it's the rules of my order. Like the Bible. It's a symbol of -
Zoe: River, honey, he's putting the hair away now. (looks at Book significantly)
River: It doesn't matter. It'll still be there. Waiting.
- This scene.
Book: What are we up to, sweetheart?
River: Fixing your Bible.
- The casual way she says it makes it absolutely brilliant.
- Better than that, Book's original reaction. It can be boiled down to, "That's nice. Wait, what?!"
- Even better, the process of fixing it:
River: So we'll integrate non-progressional evolution theory with God's creation of Eden. Eleven inherent metaphoric parallels already there. Eleven. Important number. Prime number. One goes into the house of eleven eleven times, but always comes out one. Noah's Ark is a problem.
River: We'll have to call it early quantum state phenomenon. Only way to fit five thousand species of mammal on the same boat.
- River and Book subsequently fighting over the "edited" Bible, and then the pages being ripped out. River's surprised, then sheepish expression, followed by Book saying "You can keep those..." sells it.
- Jayne talking about his hero status:
Jayne: They had a riot on account of me! Me, Jayne Cobb!
Mal: I know your name, jackass!
- Inara hearing about the "Hero Of Canton," and thinking it's Mal, starting off into a UST-fueled monologue about him, and then hearing it's Jayne. The look on her face as her brain tries to reboot is absolutely priceless.
- Wash's classic line, "We gotta go to the crappy town where I'm a hero."
- Wash's cheesy, out-of-place mustache.
- This exchange:
Mal: And if you can't do it from here, then get a suit on and go outside on the side of the boat...
Wash: And what? Wave my arms around?
Mal: Wave your arms around. Jump up and down. Divert the nav sats to the transmitter. Whatever.
Wash: Divert the - Right! Because teenage pranks are fun when you're about to die!
Mal: Give the beacon a boost, wouldn't it?
Wash: Yes, Mal, it would boost the signal. But even if some passer-by did happen to receive, all it would do is muck up their navigation.
Mal: Could be that's true.
Wash: Damn right, it's true. They'd be forced to stop and dig out our signal before they could even go any place. (pause) Well maybe I should do that, then!
Mal: Maybe you should!
- And then, Jayne of all people comes along, acting like the voice of reason trying to make everything right between the two of them, but then....
: What the hell are you two doin', fightin' at a time like this! (beat)
You'll use up all the air.
- "I saw the problem plain as day when I was down there on my back before."
- To clarify, Kaylee saw and figured out how to fix a supposedly unfixable engine part while on her back in the middle of sex.
Zoe: (on meeting Wash) Well, he bothers me. I don't know what it is.
Mal: What about the genius mechanic I hired, he bother you too?
Bester: (being said mechanic) Genius? No one's ever called me that before. Shiny!
Zoe: Yeah, he bothers me.
- Funniest part about that scene? Wash is sporting a big, dorky porn moustache. Which, as we all know, he got rid of for the remainder of the show, much to Zoe's approval.
- And another, towards the beginning, when the crew discovers it's Simon's birthday and throws a surprise party:
Simon: This is, uh... how - how did you know? River - ?
Day is a vestigial mode of time measurement based on solar cycles. It's not applicable. (beat)
I didn't get you anything.
- "Not as deceivin' as a low-down, dirty... deceiver."
- "Well said. Wasn't that well-said, Zoe?"
- "Had a kind of poetry to it, sir."
- River reassuring a frightened, praying Book that they won't die gasping for air.
River: "...We'll freeze to death first."
- Most of the episode, but especially, "This is something he's got to do himself." "NO! NO, IT'S NOT!" "Oh."
- Zoe's half-deadpan, half-surprised delivery of the "Oh" right before they open fire sells it perfectly. And the shooting script describes the action as Zoe et al "filling him with as many holes as Standards and Practices will allow."
- Wash to Mal after they have been kidnapped:
Wash: I am the one that [Zoe] swore to love, honor and obey!
Mal: Listen....she swore to obey?
Wash: Well no, but - she obeys you! There's obeying going on, right under my nose!
- And while we're discussing Jayne, we also have the classic line:
Jayne: I'll be in my bunk.
- Which is later referenced by another Crowning Moment Of Funny by Wash:
Wash: We'll be in our bunk!
- Related to that, Jayne's face whenever he sees Inara with her client.
- How about the second time Jayne says the line, immediately followed by:
- The look Book gives afterward makes it ever funnier.
- Later on, there's Zoe picking Wash to be saved before Niska has even finished outlining his Sadistic Choice.
Zoe: I'm sorry. You were going to ask me to choose, right? Did you want to finish?
- "Take me sir, take me hard." Gina Torres' deadpan delivery has never been so hysterical.
- "Hey, free soup!"
- Don't forget: "I am a large, semi-muscular man!"
- It felt wrong, "War Stories" having a somewhat realistic torture scene and making it funny.
- And then there's the look on Niska's face as Wash and Mal are arguing. He all but says, "This isn't what's supposed to happen. They should be begging for mercy right about now."
- When Wash gets uppity:
Wash: Well here's a funny twist: No.
Wash: No, sir.
- Kaylee and River are playing together, fighting over an apple. Lots of laughter and whoops. Very sweet and heartwarming (partly because it's one of the most lucid and happiest scenes River has). And our captain?
Mal: Ah, the pitter-patter of tiny feet in huge combat boots... SHUT UP!
- One or two lines later he cements his role as Team Dad in the most hilarious way possible:
Mal: One of you is gonna fall and die and I'm not cleaning it up!
- The episode has the following exchange, when Jayne's refusing to help the crew with the Job Of The Week:
Jayne: Don't know these people, don't care to.
Mal: They're whores.
Jayne: I'm in.
- And then when they first enter the whorehouse:
Jayne: Can I start getting sexed already?
Kaylee: They've got boy-whores, too. That's considerate.
Jayne: [over radio] Well now girl, that is just plain dirty.
Mal: Jayne, you are aware that your radio's transmittin'? Because I don't feel particularly girlish or dirty at the moment.
- Book has a nice one when they're going to board up the house:
Shepard Book: I'm fair-handed with a hammer, captain.
Mal: That so?
: I've been following the footsteps of a carpenter
for quite some time now.
- The exchange between Kaylee and Wash in the whorehouse:
Kaylee: (sigh) Everyone's got somebody... Wash, tell me I'm pretty.
Wash: Were I unwed, I would take you in a manly fashion.
Kaylee: 'Cause I'm pretty?
Wash: 'Cause you're pretty.
- This gem from Jayne: "If wishes were horses, we'd all be eating steak!"
- While Simon and Early are struggling, Jayne finally wakes up. He looks up at the noise, scowls, reaches up to pull the blanket off his wall of weapons, and rousing heroic battle music begins to play... and then Jayne rolls over, pulls the blanket over himself, and falls asleep.
- An understated classic, where Jayne complains that he was attacked by River.
Jayne: Anyone else remember that time she came at me with a butcher's knife?
Zoe: (to Mal) Sir, I know she's unpredictable, but I don't think she'd hurt anyone.
Jayne: Butcher's knife!
- Almost all of the dialogue in this episode is a CMoF. To wit:
Jayne: ...Are you sayin' she's a witch?
Wash: Yes, Jayne. She is a witch. She has had congress with the Beast.
Jayne: ...She's in Congress?
Wash: How did your brain even learn human speech?
- When River says she's melded with Serenity:
Early: You folks are all insane.
Simon: Well, my sister's a ship. We had a complicated childhood.
- Mal after getting knocked out: "There was a man. He was very blurry."
- And then there's the exchange between River and Mal, after he wakes up:
River: You've got questions.
Mal: That's why I just asked them.
Mal: Am I dreamin'?
River: We all are.
Mal: (rolls his eyes)
River (Who isn't even on the same ship, let alone in the same room): Don't make faces. (Mal looks around suspiciously)
- The legendary exchange between Early and Simon:
Early: You know, with the exception of one deadly and unpredictable midget, this girl is the smallest cargo I've ever had to transport yet by far the most troublesome. That seem right to you?
Simon: ...What did he do?
Simon: The midget.
Early: Arson. Little man loooooved fire.
- What about the infamous 'Am I a Lion?' scene.
- Really, just watch Simon's face whenever Early is talking. It's this hilarious expression of, 'What the fuck?'
- Let's not forget:
Early: Where is she?
Simon: I can't keep track of her when she's not incorporeally possessing a spaceship - don't look at me.
- When Early gets tired of playing games and tries to force River to come out of hiding:
- And at the very end when Early was pushed out into space.
Early: Well, here I am.
- Serenity gets a rapid-fire chain of these right at the beginning, after the introduction.
(piece of ships front panel peels off, bounces off the cockpit window and flies off into space)
Mal: What was that?
Wash: Did you see that?
Mal: Was that the primary buffer panel? Did the primary buffer panel just fall off my gorram ship for no apparent reason?
Wash: Looks like.
Mal: I thought Kaylee just fixed the entry couplings. I have a very clear memory of...
Wash: Well, if she can't get me some extra flow from the engines to offset the burn-through, this landing is going to get pretty interesting.
Mal: Define "interesting."
Wash: (deadpan) "Oh God, oh God, we're all going to die?"
Mal: (pulls down intercom speaker) This is the Captain speaking. We're having a little problem with our entry sequence, so we may experience some turbulence, and then... explode.
Mal: Just get us on the ground.
Wash: That part'll happen pretty definitely!
Jayne: Are we gonna explode? I don't wanna explode.
- The scene in the bank where River is identifying who among the hostages is going to be a hero, especially the entire silent conversation between River and Zoe that, with dialogue, would go something like this.
River: *points* He's over there.
Zoe: Are you sure?
River: *snears* who do you think I am?
- After the River fight in the Maidenhead some time later, Wash offers up this gem:
- Made even better in the outtakes when he messes up the line as "Start with the part where Jayne gets knocked out by a ninety-year-old...man...with man boobs."
- Don't forget Jayne's complaint while escaping the Reavers early in the movie, after Mal chewing him out about his choice of weaponry in an earlier scene.
Jayne: Boy, it sure would be nice if we had some grenades, don't you think?
- And in the background as Mal walks away from the chewing-out:
Zoe: Are those grenades?
Jayne: Yeah, captain doesn't want 'em.
Zoe: Jayne, we're robbing the place. We're not occupying it.
- The gag reel from the movie is a laugh goldmine all its own, including this hilarious outtake from the movie's big space battle. It's made hilarious because nobody breaks character during that particular take even after it's apparent that somebody messed up.
Wash: Dammit, I don't need a back-spaceship driver!
Mal: GET OUT OF THE WAAAAAAAAY!
Wash: That's it, fine! You wanna fly? Fuckin' fly! [Walks out] I'll be in my bunk.
- Any of the gag reels really from the show too. There's one that begins on a gem from Nathan Fillion that sets the tone quite nicely for the rest of it.
- A subtle, yet very funny moment occurs after River goes Waif-Fu on the Space Cantina. Simon's line, followed by River's best facial expression to date◊:
Am I...talking to Miranda now?
- And who could forget this memorable exchange:
Simon: I've spent so much time on Serenity ignoring everything that I wanted for myself. My one regret in all of this... is never being with you.
Kaylee: With me? You mean to say, as in... sex?
Simon: I mean to say.
Kaylee: Well, to hell with this. I'm going to live!
- Simon and Kaylee, taking the "U" out of their UST. A Crowning Moment of Heartwarming that rapidly turns hilarious when the camera pans up to show River peeking down at them from an overhead vent with a curious-wide-eyed-kid look on her face.
- And don't forget this line:
River: I swallowed a bug.
- From the same scene, after the crew has crash-landed back in the ship, Kaylee rushes to Simon, who was only there to open the door and says, with obvious concern, "Are you okay?" Mal, who was thrown off the Mule during said crash-landing stands up and with the most indignant look on his face, exclaims, "Is he okay?!"
- When Mal leaves Zoe in charge of the ship in the Big Damn Movie, and for a second you think he's going for the Heroic Sacrifice.
Mal: I'll take the shuttle in closer. Zoe, ship is yours. Remember, if anything happens to me, or you don't hear from me within the hour, you take this ship and you come and you rescue me.
Zoe: What? And risk my ship?
Mal: I mean it. It's cold out there. I don't wanna get left.
- And this:
The Operative: (to Mal) You cannot make me angry.
Inara: Please, spend an hour with him!
- And then later, after the Operative shoots Mal in the back:
Mal: I haven't made you angry, have I?
- "Dear Buddha, please bring me a pony and a plastic rocket."
- In the scene before featuring Mal's first fight with the Operative, said Operative compares River Tam to an albatross that will doom the ship. Mal then answers that an albatross is a help to a ship until an idiot kills him. He then turns to Inara and says this:
Mal: Yes, I read a poem. Try not to faint.
- Another outtake: an alternate version of the "gather up these bodies and tie them to our ship" scene.
Mal: Put Book on the front; he's our friend, we should honor him. Kaylee, find that kid taking a dirtnap with Baby Jesus, we need a hood ornament.
- The crowning bit is the finish: "Jayne, try not to to steal too much of their shit!" Complete with Adam Baldwin's look of "What? I wasn't gonna."
- I submit for your consideration Alan Tudyk reading Hoban Washburn's eulogy.
- How about the crew watching Mal stumble through his awkward video call with Inara and boo/throw food at the screen when he said something dumb?
- Mal and Jayne's argument.
Mal: You wanna run this ship?!
- The Book Ends. When we first see Serenity, she's entering atmo, and a piece of equipment that is apparently rather important to the reentry sequence breaks clean off. Mal goes, "What was that?" Fast forward to the end of the movie. Serenity powers her way through a raging thunderstorm to a dramatic "down but not out" soundtrack, reaches the edge of space, makes like she's about to accelerate to relativistic speed ... and then a piece of the main engine's cowling breaks off and flies at the camera, and the screen goes black. Mal says "What was that?" in the exact same tone and inflection as at the beginning of the movie.
- There's something absolutely hilarious in seeing the utterly unflappable Operative... flap when Serenity arrives with the Reaver fleet right behind it, with the Operative's assembled fleet essentially wearing shiny new target signs.
Operative: Target the Reavers. Target the Reavers! Target everyone! Somebody fire!
- Huge explosion rocks the Serenity.
Wash: (sputtering in fright) It's okay, I-I'm a leaf on the wind.
Mal: What does that even mean!?
- Define "Disappeared".
- When Mal's trying to talk River down in the cockpit while she has a gun trained on him. He starts telling her that he's convinced that she's a person, not a weapon, and if she thinks otherwise, she should just shoot him - click - ....or they could just keep on talking....
- From Those Left Behind, when Wash and Zoe make love on the bridge and then suddenly have to call all the crew up to the cockpit. They're calmly and unobtrusively buttoning up their clothes, and everyone is pointedly not looking their way, when...
River: It stinks like sex in here.
- In the Better Days comic, the crew are describing what they'd do with all the money they've made. Jayne's fantasy future is an impossibly awesome starship captain with Amazonian Bridge Bunnies who call him "Your Manliness." Book's "fantasy" shows him as a crime kingpin with two scantily-clad hookers hanging off him which is him just kidding. River's is...odd. It apparently involves a really nice dress, a giant fish in a tuxedo, imps flying around on balloons, a Chinese-style dragon, a llama, and a rainbow castle.
- Somebody better remind her that imps doing weird shit is Yahtzee's thing. Actually, don't, that would be too epic a battle to miss.
- Jayne trying to get a lesson in Companion etiquette... from Simon.
- Though Float Out is about people remembering Wash, there's still this gem from Leland's story:
Leland: (narrating) Yeah, I met Wash when he and I were runners for PonyMacro. "System to system, pole to pole, PonyMacro's how you roll."
Wash: ...just saying they should change their slogan. They discontinued ground transport before I was born, so the "rolling" thing makes no sense. And all the money's in system to system, so even the "pole to pole" thing doesn't really apply.
Leland: (in flashback) People remember things that rhyme.
Wash: All the time?
(Later, when they're being chased and shot at:)
Leland: Can you make a rhyme now...?
(Their ship speeds clear of the blasts)
Wash: Wow! That was close! And how!
- From Better Days when Jayne hands some cash to a monk:
Jayne: Buy some shoes.
Monk: The Hero of Canton... He's real!
. Sometimes simultaneously. We'd better stop before we quote the entire script.