Funny: Fillmore!

  • A Wurm in our Midst:
    Danny: "Hey Tony, is your refrigerator running? Like you? (beat) Man that was weak!"
    • Another from the same episode, when it was revealed that all of the library books were missing, played completely serious:
    Fillmore: This ain't good.
    Librarian: 'Isn't'.
    Fillmore: Isn't.
    dramatic fade to black
  • Fillmore and Ingrid need new walkie talkies, as their old ones have been broken. So Fillmore pulls a bit of trickery.
    Fillmore: Sorry man, I was comin' up to— Hey, Vallejo. Is this your card?
    Drops card, spins around and knocks over projector screen.
    Vallejo: My what? Woah!
    Fillmore quickly picks projector back up.
    Vallejo: Nice catch.
    Fillmore: Huh, listen man, ain't no thing but a chicken on a string.
    Vallejo: Huh?
    Fillmore: Smugly: Exactly! Oh, and uh, could you sign this communications report?
    Vallejo, rightly confused, mindlessly signs the forms for the new Walkies.
    Fillmore: Cool.
  • The principal's monologue about how Checkmatey's victory at the chess tournament would bring glory to the school as she's changing the settings on her massage chair, and "the void in our trophy case and the void in my heart will be filled! DEEP TISSUE!"
  • From Test of the Tested:
    Folsom: "The last thing I want to see is twelve hundred kids having to take this test over again." *Door slams open*
    Kid in a cow float ring: "We'll have to take it over?! The SATTY-9 Synthesis-Aptitude-Tryout-Test-Yearly was the hardest test I've ever taken! IT TOOK THREE HOURS! I saw spots! I developed this spontaneous French accent! I can't take it again! I can-" *Gets cut off by Fillmore splashing water in his face*
    • And, a few seconds later, as Elliot is being led away from the scene...
    Ingrid: Um, Elliot? The reason to wear boxers is to avoid mooning strangers. Maybe you should get some new ones. Or maybe a big patch. *Elliot realizes his boxers are torn, covers himself, and runs off*
    Vallejo: People, can we cover Elliot's butt please?
    • Don't forget Ingrid's massive discomfort at being around the children who are upset about the test being stolen as they are all in a special therapy session with a weird counselor.
  • There's also this gem: Fillmore and Ingrid are called into Principal Folsom's office so she can lambast them over why the answer sheets haven't been recovered. Her phone is ringing. Her reaction to this? In a very calm, happy voice: "You hear that? That's how it's been since the answer sheets got stolen. I hear it in my sleep. I add milk to my crisped rice cereal and it '''sounds like my phone!'''"
  • In 'Two Wheels, Full Throttle, No Brakes', when they use Ingrid as a distraction to prevent anyone from noticing Fillmore taking a priceless antique scooter during a bocce ball game, one of the metal shop/scooter thief kids in the stands points to her (disguised to the nines in a suit and monocle) and monotonically shouts in a poor British accent:
    Howie: I SAY! That LASS is STEALING my SCOOT-AH!
    • Later, Fillmore uses Vallejo's bike to bring down the culprit, and of course, smashes it. Vallejo's restrained shock is priceless.
    Vallejo: Uh...Fillmore...please tell me that's not my bike.
  • Vallejo's reaction in "A Dark Score Evened" when Fillmore tells him he assigned O'Farrell as bully Rochelle's bodyguard: "Fillmore, O'Farrell's not trained to use the stapler, let alone bodyguard somebody!"
    • Just the notion that O'Farrell somehow proved incapable of using a stapler.
  • O'Farrell begging to go undercover as a Red Robin and showing up at a briefing in full regalia. He bought the wig and everything! Also, Vallejo's deadpan response to the question of what O'Farrell is supposed to do with the wig: "Lots of things."
  • Any time Vallejo screams, FILLMORE!
    • One memorable one was after Fillmore had caught a mime (long story); Vallejo does his scream and is promptly mimicked, silently, by the mime who proceeds to chew the scenery silently. Without turning around...
    Vallejo: (flatly) Stop that.