Funny / Fallout 2

  • Sulik's reaction to meeting a low-intelligence character:
    Sulik: Most people have evil spirits. You? You have stupid spirits. Go see shaman. Get hole in head. Big hole. Very big. Huge!
  • Sulik then points you to a man named Torr whom the player can have low intelligence conversations with (Complete with subtitles!). The implication being that the two idiots understand one another perfectly. Here's a transcript:
    Torr: Me Torr (I'm Torr. Can I help you with anything?)
    Chosen One: You Torr (Hello, Torr. I do have a few questions for you.)
    Torr: Torr tell? (What would you like to know, my friend?)
    Chosen One: Want! (you point at things) (Where can I barter?)
    Torr: Tragu? Oo Kramat? Ick boo Den. (A trader here in Klamath? Why yes, Vic trades in antiquities for the most part. He's not in town right now. I think he might be trading things at the Den. That's south of here.)
    Chosen One: Bar-ba Eden? (Have you ever heard of a Garden of Eden Creation Kit?)note 
    Torr: Jeannie? Gick Vic (So you want a GECK, huh? Weren't those originally issued to vaults? I don't know where you'd find one, but if anyone does it would be Vic, the trader. He specializes in prewar things. He lives in the northeast part of Klamath.)
    Chosen One: Roger? Gick Vic, Haji! (Thanks; I think I'll go look for him now. Goodbye.)
  • Setting a timed explosive beneath the outhouse in Modoc. Due to all the methane gas down there, you go flying as you climb out (assuming you even survive), and for the remainder of the game, half the town will be covered in crap. All just to find a lost pocketwatch. It's especially funny because the first thing you see is your unconscious body.
  • Wooz, a bartender in Gecko, tends to tell strange stories about severed heads in Hell (which he considers very funny) and is obsessed with the card game Tragic: the Gathering:
    Wooz: Oh, the Chosen One. Oh my, I didn't realize. I'll just try to stop shaking long enough to tell you something then. (Wooz smiles) Come closer and I'll whisper it to you. Let me whisper in your earů FUCK YOU!!! Now get out of my bar. Chosen one. Sheesh, what a loser.
  • You can prank call the Enclave. And if you have the Restoration/Megamod patch, they send a squad to kill you. Then you can kill them, and take their Disc-One Nuke equipment, if you can, and if you can't, with high Speech you can bullshit your way out like a champ!
  • In Vault 8, you meet a medical assistant named Phyllis, and she'll explain that there aren't any children because it isn't their pregnancy cycle yet and babies are the result of artificial insemination. Later in the conversation, if you're a male character, she can ask you to donate sperm.
    Chosen One:I can honestly say I have never missed the primitive charm of Arroyo more until this moment.
    or
    Chosen One:I have never felt the need to be held more than at this moment.
    • The best part is that this is an unmarked quest called See Phyllis. Try saying it out loud if you don't get it.
  • In Redding, your final quest from the sheriff is to take down a guy named Frog Morton. When you're told that he got that nickname for croaking people, this i your reaction.
  • During your quest to evict a widow, you can offer to pay her rent because it's your duty as the Chosen One. She initially refuses to take money from someone "touched in the head."
  • Broken Hills. The Spore Plant, which gives you information on chess against a intelligent scorpion made by the local doctor. You can take three tests against the thing: Agility, Eye, and Smarts. When you pass the test, the pip-boy will notify you that you are as agile/perceptive/smart as a scorpion.
    Chosen One: How the hell did you open a lock with CLAWS?
  • You can arm wrestle Francis. If you win, you get his power fist. If he wins, which is likely because you need high strength, endurance, and luck, you're his gimp for the night. You even wake up the next day with a ball gag in your inventory.
    A questionable sexual device. If you need to ask, you don't want to know.
  • In Broken Hills, there is a married couple of supermutants. Even though they ceased to be humans long ago, their relationships are as dysfunctional as some human marriages.
    Husband: Do you want the backside of my hand, woman?
    Wife: I don't want ANYTHING associated with your backside!
  • When you first visit Broken Hills in your highwayman, you immediately run over a ghoul, who screams bloody murder to get your car off of him.
  • When you rescue Chrissy from the raiders just outside Vault 15, you have the option to sneak through the back door to bust her out. When you tell her she's free, she runs through the front door back to their camp with her arms flailing. Best part is that the people guarding her don't notice a thing, but they will spot you if you try to sneak back.
  • The low intelligence dialogue with K-9:
    Chosen One: Uh... doggie talk?
    K-9: One; I am a dog. Two; I am communicating with you vocally using the common English language. Therefore it is safe to assume that the answer to your question is 'yes, doggie talk.' Now, do you intend to answer the question that I posed to you a moment ago?
    Chosen One: Sorry, me forget question.
    K-9: (sighs) Pay attention. Concentrate. Look me in the eyes. Now, are you ready?
    Chosen One: Ready what?
    K-9: I... If it were not for the fact that your IQ is less than my height in feet, I would think that you are trying to irritate me. Now, be silent. Pay attention. Concentrate. Look me in the eyes. I am about to ask you a question.
  • The low intelligence dialogue with Myron.
  • If you get too irradiated, your character sprouts a sixth toe. If you have this toe surgically removed, it's possible to eat it. The game's response? "You just ate your fucking toe!"
  • The conversation with Myron with a female character:
    Myron: So, beautiful... how about we get in bed and do some mattress dancing?
    Chosen One: I would, but I don't have ten seconds to spare right now.
    • Most of the other female responses to Myron's blatant come-ons are worth seeing.
  • The long suffering, and very alcoholic Father Tully has many gems of wisdom to share with the Chosen One.
    Chosen One: What does Mrs. Bishop say in confession?
    Father Tully: Mostly what you'd 'xpect from a neglected wifey-o with a body whoose curves could cure th' blind. Mostly adultery. I mean, have you seen her rack? My word!
  • Right after Frank Horrigan kills Matt in San Fransisco:
    Frank: Well, it's a little past 12. Anyone up for lunch?
    Enclave Soldier 1: Score, I'm there.
    Enclave Soldier 2: Yeah, count me in on that.
  • Try fiddling with the nuke in the Enclave base with a low Science skill.
    Chosen One: Mother of Go-
  • Putting the landmine you get from a grave robber to good use.
  • After learning of Mob Boss Jesus Mordino:
    Chosen One: I always suspected Jesus had ties to organized crime.
  • In the New Reno stables, you meet the lead researcher.
    Marjorie Reed: WHO are you? How did you get in here?
    Chosen One: Your barn door's open. Heh-heh, get it? I kill me.
  • "MOO, I say!!", says a randomly encountered brahmin. Becomes doubly hilarious when Ed in Vault City sometimes comments "I could have sworn I heard that cow shout "Moo, I say" or somesuch...."
  • When talking to Renesco in his shop he might ask the Chosen One what it is that he/she wants:
    Chosen One: What do I want? I don't really know. Most of the time I ignore my quest and walk into the homes of others, riffling through people's shelves... oooh, like those over there!
  • When your character realizes that asking the person you're blackmailing to give you advanced medical treatment is a bad idea.
  • Monstrous though he may be, Horrigan's comeback to the Chosen One's attempts to talk him down is pretty clever.
    Chosen One: Can't we talk this over?
    Frank Horrigan: We just did. Time for talking's over.
  • One of the random encounters is the Bridge of Doom from Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
  • A comedian in Bishop's casino. Lameness of his jokes, his nervouseness and the audience's reaction make his performances So Unfunny, It's Funny.
    Comedian: Super mutants?
    Audience: Does this asshole ever stop telling these stupid jokes?
    Comedian: What's so SUPER about them? When was the last time you saw a super mutant... Get a cat out of a tree? Never! Know why? Uhhh... because super mutants don't rescue cats... They kill mercilessly!
    Audience: Wish someone would kill you mershssmbl...
    Comedian: So who calls them SUPER mutants? Who are these people?
    Audience: Probably the same idiots who hired you!
  • A dialogue between "Painless" Doc Johnson and his not very intelligent assistant Rattray, who also has a strange habit to eat bugs he catches:
    Doc Johnson:And that's another thing, I don't want to see you constantly eating those beetles, or roaches, or whatnot.
    Ratt: Doctor not want Ratt to get rid of bugs? Okay, Ratt save nice bugs for Doctor to eat.
    Doc Johnson: I don't want to eat them, you fool! I just don't want to watch you eat them.
    Ratt: Ratt not eat bugs?
    Doc Johnson: That's right, DON'T EAT BUGS IN FRONT OF ME. I don't care for that nasty crunching sound.
    Ratt: Ratt just suck on crunchy shells then?
    Doc Johnson: NO! I don't want you chewing bugs, sucking on them, licking them, or anything else.
    Ratt: Ratt no eat bugs. Ratt take good care of Doctor's bugs.
  • You can become a prize fighter in New Reno by beating four other boxers. The only way you can get disqualified is by using anything other than your gloves to beat your opponents, so your free to punch them in the eyes or nuts (with some not even wearing a cup.) Because of the way criticals work, it's actually recommended to do so for an easy knockout.
    • The last fighter you have to face is called "The Masticator." He can actually bite your ear off your face, which will show up in your inventory. It will also permanently remove a point from Charisma.
    This is your ear. The Masticator bit it off during the fight and spit it on your unconscious body. If you are reading this, it probably means you will be reloading soon.
  • If you don't rush into the fight with supermutants in the Mariposa base, you can read the dialogue between two supermutants, which borders both on the funny moment and Squick:
    Supermutant # 1: Want hear new recipe?
    Supermutant # 2: What kind?
    Supermutant # 1: Rat surprise.
    Supermutant # 2: Sound good. How me make?
    Supermutant # 1: Catch rat. Careful no squish too much.
    Supermutant # 2: How no squish? Every time I club them, they pop. Very messy.
    Supermutant # 1: You want hear recipe or not? Catch rat your problem.
    Supermutant # 2: Me sorry.
    Supermutant # 1: Like said, catch rat. Hang by tail on wall.
    Supermutant # 2: Let hang til tail fall off. It ready then.
    Supermutant # 1: Eat quickly, if let sit too long, the surprise crawl out and fly away.
    Supermutant # 2: Sound yummy.
  • As a random encounter, you can run into the Guardian of Forever, which is some sort stone ring in the middle of the desert. Entering through it apparently sends you back into the past and into Vault 13, where you accidentally break the water chip and cause the events of the first game.
    ''You have broken the water chip... it might be anywhere from 100 to 150 days before this Vault runs out of water. For some reason, this thought comforts you.
  • Virtually anything any of the New Reno prostitutes say. Especially while working.
    Yes, you ARE the Vault Dweller. Yes, YOU found the water chip and beat the MASTER. You are a HERO.
    Yes! Yes! Yeeeeeeeees YesYesYesYes YES YES YESSSSS! Now go pay the cashier.
  • Your Pip-boy log has very snarky messages relating to injuries resulting from critical hits.
    [Enemy] was critically hit in the left arm, causing severe tennis elbow.
    Unfortunately, his spine is now clearly visible from the front.
    Sadly, he is too busy feeling the rush of air on the brain to notice death approaching.
    The wound causes severe blindness, as if there is any other kind.
    (targeting a woman's groin) Her childbearing days are in trouble as she collapses in a limp heap.
  • One of Louis Salvatore's quests is to find a guy named Lloyd. Naturally, you ask Mason for a description to make things easier.
    Mason: Hell'he's 'bout average height, white, brown hair. Last I saw him, he had a tan shirt, and dark brown scarf. He probably ain't changed his clothes since I saw him last.
    Chosen One: You know, oddly enough, that describes a LOT of people I've seen since I left Arroyo.
    Mason: Haw! You're telling me. Names are about the only way to tell people apart nowadays. You'd think there's only ten kinds of people in the world. (Leans in.) Way I figure it, there was some big cloning accident in the past.
  • You can ask Renesco about the GECK, the conversation then steers towards you blabbing about being the descendant of the Vault Dweller while puffing out your chest, the temple of trials, breaking your vow of celibacy, and trying to match him up with the elder. He remains silent the entire time while the text box says that he's glaring at you, or is closing his eyes in the hopes that you disappear by the time he opens them. When he finally pipes up at the mention of the GECK, you can choose to ignore that in favor of talking some more about Arroyo.
  • If you're famous in New Reno, drug dealer Jimmy can ask you if he already knows you. If you are a stupid character, you can suddenly answer with a deep philosophical rant, leaving Jimmy speechless.
    Chosen One: How can one TRULY know another, Jimmy? Is it even possible while we are on this mortal coil? Or is it only possible when we free ourselves from our physical bodies?
  • From Navarro:
    Chosen One: Yes sir!
    Sergeant Dornan: I AM NOT A SIR! I work for a living, you MO-ROOON!
    • Also:
    Dornan: (upon being told that you were never issued your Power Armor) What was that? YOU EXPECT ME TO BELIEVE THAT, MAGGOT!? The truth is, you've lost an expensive piece of army issue equipment! That suit is gonna come out of your pay! AND YOU WILL REMAIN IN THIS MAN'S ARMY UNTIL YOU ARE (inhale) FIIIIVE-HUNDRED AND TEN YEARS OLD! WHICH IS THE NUMBER OF YEARS IT WILL TAKE FOR YOU TO PAY FOR THE MARK TWO POWERED COMBAT ARMOR YOU HAVE LOST!
    • Also:
    Dornan: YOU MO-RON! You are not to question my orders! When I say jump, you jump! When I say fight, you fight! When I tell you to die for your country, THEN YOU WILL CERTAINLY DIE!! Have I made myself clear?!
    • Really, anything Dornan says. It's not really something you can express in text, though a size 72 font helps a little.
    Dornan: A civilian? How in the hell did a civilian get on this base?! I'LL HAVE SOMEONES ASS FOR DINNER!
  • In Navarro, there are two technicians working in opposite hangars that hate each other. In order to get the vertibird plans, you can convince one of them that the other is making fun of him to get him to leave his post.
    Chosen One: I was told by a tech that I could find the vertibird plans here.
    Quincy: A tech told you... You mean Raul? Did he send you?
    Chosen One: Uh, yeah.
    Quincy: Damn it! You know, Raul would lose his head if it weren't placed so firmly up his ass! This is the third time this quarter that he's lost those plans! And now he doesn't even have the brass bouncing balls to come to me and ask for them? Fine, they're in the locker over there. Oh and, when you deliver them, tell that asshole I want to see him.
    • When speaking to Raul.
    Chosen One: Quincy said you were an asshole and that you wouldn't have the balls to report to him.
    Raul: Hey man, Raul don't take no shit from nobody. You see Quincy working on these birds? No way, man. Only Raul works on these babies. You know why? Cause Quincy don't know DICK, man, that's why!
  • Getting the Fallout 2 hintbook from Father Tully after beating the game.
    You see: The Fallout 2 Hintbook
    [examine]
    Well, this would've been useful at the beginning of the goddamn game.
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