- In 893 when Harry is scolded by his new guardian for fighting:
Oyabun Musashi: Never punch someone with your thumb like that and never in the face. There's too much bone, you'll hurt your hand.
- The Adventures of Icarus, the Invisible Poltergeist has quite a few. "Sir? Why does the Muggle cauldron have a hat?"
- The Black Bunny in which Voldemort's animagus form is a cute little black bunny.
- Later there's the instance where Voldemort makes Draco work with Hermione:
"Really, that's not the best of partnerships. You know they hate each other," Harry said. "Draco used to bring out the worst in me. He'll have no problems doing it to Herm—"
"I AM ONE WORD AWAY FROM KILLING YOU, MALFOY!! BACK OFF YOU WHINY LITTLE GIT!"
"YOU COULND'T KILL A FLY, GRANGER! NOT ONLY DO YOU NOT HAVE WHAT IT TAKES, BUT THE FLIES CAN'T STAND THE SMELL OF FILTH LIKE YOU. NOT EVEN THE LOWEST OF INSECTS WILL GO NEAR—"
By that time, Harry's eyes had been closed and he'd prepared for the sound of flesh hitting flesh. Though really, it sounded like heavy books hitting against flesh.
"My nose!" Draco wailed, his voiced clogged as if his nose was full of blood. "She broke my nose!"
"I told you," Harry said to Tom.
"Malfoy had that coming."
Tom and Harry turned towards the man who'd softly spoken the words. They'd forgotten he was even there. "He did," Harry said with a grin. "Yep!"
"You are dismissed," Tom murmured to Charleston. The Auror stood, bowed, and then departed.
"Is he a pureblood?" Harry asked curiously.
"You are such a hypocrite. Pureblood supremacy and blah blah blah..."
"And you are a bloody headache waiting to happen."
- From the same fic there's this:
Harry led [Tom Riddle] over to a table and called for Tally. "Bring Master's victory cake," he instructed the moment she appeared. Tally bowed and instantly vanished again.
A minute later, Tom was staring down at the table where the house elf had returned and placed Harry's chocolate cake. Words were scrawled upon the top of the cake with white icing. The message read: Congratulations! You did something right!
- The Carols For Crazies on The HMS STFU, a series of Christmas-themed filks, were all funny, but especially the final one entitled "/".
- Dark Lord Rising has an instance where some aurors throw a large, drunk prisoner into Draco's cell and much squealing could be heard from that cellblock and then there's The Reveal:
[Auror Trainee Kenneth Worthington IV] opened the cell door and stopped dead in his tracks. Draco was curled up in the corner of the lower bunk pointing his wand at a piglet that was running in circles squealing in a panic while trying to find a way out.
Realizing that someone must have played a joke on the poor boy, Kenneth quickly stunned the disgusting animal and picked it up to remove it from the cell. Concerned, he turned to the boy and asked gently, "Are you okay, Mr. Malfoy?"
Draco had been in a blind panic when the brute of a man was about to mount him like some common tart that he almost forgot about the holdout wand that he kept up his sleeve that the auror didn't take when he was thrown inside. Unable to articulate a spell, he jabbed his wand at his attacker and his magic responded to his desperation and transfigured the man into a piglet.
He had curled into the corner of the bed and covered himself with the sheets while keeping his wand pointed at the pig in case his transfiguration failed. Suddenly, he realized that the squealing had stopped and the kind auror that helped him maintain as much of his dignity as possible was standing part way in the cell holding an unconscious pig.
Clearing his throat, Draco managed to sound as haughty as possible and half drawled, half shrieked, "No, I'm not alright! Some wanker threw a squealing pig from the kitchens in my cell!"
Blushing at the mild rebuke, Auror Worthington said hurriedly, "I'm so sorry, Milord. I'll make sure this pig finds its way back to the kitchens and report this to my superiors."
Smiling inwardly, Draco conciliatorily said, "Please forgive my rudeness. Someone just wanted to play a joke on me, I'm sure. No one needs to get into trouble on my account."
"As you wish, Sir." Kenneth answered with a smile before asking, "Do you need anything else to make you comfortable?"
Draco took a look at the pig slash would be rapist in the aurors' arms and said simply, "Perhaps a bacon sandwich and a spot of tea wouldn't be a bad way to start my morning after such a rude awakening."
- The So Bad, It's Good fic Dark Secrets has the theoretically disturbing scene in which Ron the Death Eater breaks into Mary Sue's room to menace her. With the line "my preciousss".
- Deserving's classic line: "I hate that you have a cock!"
- In the fanfic Fauna's Fate Harry was abandoned by the Dursleys in an orphanage, and was found and adopted by Remus Lupin and Sirius Black. At age 15, he enrolls in Hogwarts and is sorted into Slytherin. Naturally, there he has to deal with Draco Malfoy, who attempts to assert himself as the top dog. From the start, Harry calls Malfoy "Smallboy" in a reference to his relatively short stature. This nickname slowly makes its way around Hogwarts, culminating in a Transfiguration class in which, after Harry throws Malfoy's wand out of the window, McGonagall arrives and the following exchange takes place:
McGonagall: Take your seat, Mr. Malfoy.
Malfoy: Professor McGonagall, Black threw...
McGonagall: Your seat.
Malfoy: But my wand...
McGonagall: TAKE YOUR SEAT, MR. SMALLBOY!
- The famous Lily/James diary-style fanfic Haggis from Algernon. The entire fucking thing, although anything related to the character of Helena Hodge is particularly hilarious. Also these lines:
James: Note to self: must teach Algernon the difference between Remus Lupin and a pancake.
James: You have a nice bum. I like your hair. Marry me, yeah?
Lily: I'll marry Snape just to piss him off. And then I'll jump off the Eiffel Tower and die!
Lily: *about Sirius* Then I told him to go fuck himself up his own arse. That’s not physically possible in most cases, but as Black essentially is one giant dick, I’m sure he’ll manage. Or, you know, maybe he’ll ask James to do it for him, since he’s so into him and all. I’m still holding out for Black’s death by paper cut. I hope I’m there to see it.
- Also, James leaving the Marauder's Map to Remus in his will, because he "doesn't trust the other two not to lose it."
- All of Harry Potter & the Azkaban Paradoy, in which everyone demands that Harry forgive them for wrongfully sending him to Azkaban Prison for "one year, three months, two weeks, four days, seven hours, thirteen minutes, and twenty six seconds," killing his owl right in front of him, stealing from him, and destroying his property without actually asking him for their forgiveness.
Dumbledore: Yes, you see I managed to get a law passed that says you, Harry Potter, have to complete your education at Hogwarts where you will be constantly bombarded with all the people you don't want to see until we break you down and force you to forgive us.
- When Draco tries mocking Harry in Harry Potter and the Three Rules, Harry cuts him right down.
Draco: "I so pity those who have to stay at Hogwarts over the holidays because they're not wanted at home."
Harry: "Me too. But even worse are the ones who, after all these years, still haven't received an ounce of subtlety for Christmas."
- The "abusive Dursleys" and "Harry the Death Eater" plots are parodied in Harry Potters Anonymous when the various Harry Potters from multiple fanfic universe have a meeting:
"In any case, I can assure you that none of us are planning to join the Death Eaters any time soon–"
A shifty-looking Potter raised his hand. "Ah, well, I might've changed my mind about that..."
The Potter wearing the Death Eater mask cheered loudly. "Welcome, brother! I am pleased to be informed that you have regained your sensibilities and have decided to claim your proper place in life!"
"Yes, well–" the Potter who had previously been in control of the conversation attempted to regain it.
"Damn, mate! How could you do that to us?" wailed a redheaded Potter.
"'E said 'e'd get me away from the Dursleys, 'e did," admitted the shifty-looking Potter.
"The Dursleys?" the nerdy-looking Potter asked, confused expression plastered over his face. "Why? What did they ever do to you?"
"They beat me," said the shifty-looking Potter. "And made me stay in the cupboard under the stairs whenever they had guests over."
"My uncle used to lock me in the cupboard under the stairs for months at a time!" another Potter shouted in indignation. "But you don't see me complaining about it, do you?"
"The cupboard? That's nothing! He used to lock me in a closet!"
"A closet? What are you complaining about? You had it good! My uncle would shove me underneath a loose floorboard at night! And then he'd pull a rug over it so I couldn't get out!"
"At least you had that! My uncle would put me in a shoebox! Then he'd wrap it in fifty feet of chains, and lock it in the garden sheds."
There was a moment of silence as all present bowed their heads.
"Good old Vernon," the nerdy-looking Potter said with something approaching fondness in his voice.
"Good ole Verny," the drunk Potter agreed with a hiccup.
"He still beat me," said the shifty-looking Potter, now looking decidedly uncomfortable.
"Ah, those were the days," agreed another Potter.
"I remember this one time, he hit me so hard I saw stars," the nerdy Potter said.
"You saw stars?" another Potter scoffed. "You got off easy. Once he hit me so hard I saw entire galaxies of stars."
"Pah!" said another Potter, the glass of Firewhiskey in his hand held at a precarious angle. "That's nothing! The old man used to hit me so hard I saw galaxies, daily."
"If he just hit you, you were lucky. My uncle used to whip me with his belt every day!"
"You mean he only used his belt? So what? My uncle used a whip!"
"A whip? Please. Vernon used to beat me over the head with a broken beer bottle every time I came home!"
"I only wish my uncle had used a beer bottle! He used to stab me repeatedly with a knife every night before he went to bed!"
"Oh really? That's nothing! My uncle used to beat me to death every night, and dance on my grave!"
Everyone looked admiringly at the Potter wearing the black fedora.
"And we mustn't forget our dear old Aunt Petunia," sighed one Potter, a disturbingly lovesick expression on his pasty face.
"Petunia," sighed another. "Dear, dear Petty."
"She tried to drown me in a bucket of cleaning solution once," the nerdy looking Potter said wistfully.
"Once? That's nothing! She tried to drown me repeatedly!"
"Tried to? You got off lucky! She drowned me so bad I actually died!" exclaimed the Potter in the Death Eater mask.
"I got better."
- From The Horrible Interpretation Of The Prophecy:
Voldemort's letter: Dear Sworn Enemy,
It has recently come to my attention that you are gay.
This is of great concern to me. I know you have repeatedly said you will not join me, but I am still worried. I know I am dead sexy-
Harry: That's what it says.
Ron: Oh yeah. I know loads of girls who are completely turned on by a guy with no body.
Voldemort's letter: but I feel obliged to tell you that I am straight.
Ron: Hey, 'mione. Do you reckon that means you have a shot with him?
Hermione: Shut up, Ronald.
Voldemort's letter: Now, I am unsure of how much Dumbledore has told you, but I have another reason for concern. A prophecy exists involving us.
I know what the first half says. To summarize, someone has the power to vanquish me.
Now, my reason for concern is that I fear you are the one who is suppose to vanquish me. I fear you are going to try and do this through sex. That is the reason for this letter.
Harry: Voldemort wrote me a letter because he thinks I am going to bugger him to death. My life has reached a new low.
Voldemort's letter: I also would like to tell you that I have several followers who are, um, indecisive in regards to their preferred gender. While it is good that you have picked one, I must say I believe you made the wrong decision. Women are great. Just the other day, I was remembering my later years at Hogwarts. There is a broom cupboard that is perfect for-
Harry: NO. I'm not reading the rest of it. There are two pages that go into great detail regarding why I shouldn't be gay.
Hermione: Skip ahead.
Voldemort's letter: In conclusion, do not be gay. If you neglect this piece of advice, take another. Do not be gay with me. It will anger me, but it will not vanquish me. Now I turn the rest of the parchment over to Wormtail, who so generously wrote this for me, as I still lack a body. That does not make me any less sexy, though.
Wormtail's message: Harry, if you still feel the need to be gay after my master's wonderful reasoning of why not to be, then let me say this. Your father, had I not gotten him killed, would not think any less of you for who you are. Indeed, many times with I believe both Sirius and later Remus-
- Hermione in The Hunt for Harry Potter does not take insults well.
: "Uh Hermione? When cornering a suspect, the proper course of action is to ask for them to surrender. Not yell, 'What did you call me?!', blow them up, laugh, blow up the rubble, laugh some more, blow up the rubble of the rubble, then say, 'Who's the bitch now, bitch?'."
- An Interesting Little Legal Problem by After the Rain has this gem:
"That's the Black family tree, the original document. It was attached to the wall with a Permanent Sticking Charm, so we had to wait for the next full moon and get our resident werewolf to gnaw it off, but I think he made a pretty neat job of it. No damage to the tapestry."
- Knowledge is Power gives us a glorious piece of (probably) Accidental Innuendo courtesy of Sirius, who's contemplating dating after seeing how happy it's made Remus:
Sirius was just going to have to do a Moony, he needed to get up off his arse and go for it.
- In Langsyne Snape makes assumptions:
"What are you all doing out here?" Severus inquired of the group that appeared to be gathered outside of a particular room.
"Shush." One of the robed men whispered to him, jostling for a position closer to the door.
Snape felt his wand hand twitch at the blatant disrespect showed him. Here he was, one of the highest ranking Death Eaters –that being the inner circle – told, as if he were a child, to be quiet. "Who is in there?"
"My Lord and the vampire." Said another which was quickly followed by, "Now shut up, I can't hear."
Severus grimaced. When had the Death Eaters lowered themselves to a show of voyeurism? And on the Dark Lord of all people! The whole lot of them had to be damn near suicidal.
"I've never heard of that one."
"There went the table."
Severus turned a touch green. He didn't need, nor want to know what happened between his masters. It was bad enough just having the knowledge that they were intimate; he didn't need to eavesdrop as well.
"Oh, the whip again!"
"I can't believe that vampire holds up so well."
"Well, you know what they say…."
"Big things in small packages?"
The group snickered. Snape turned abruptly on his heal and marched away as fast as he could without it appearing like he was fleeing.
"Wonder where he's going?"
"Don't know, but he's always been a bit squeamish. Especially of late."
"Still, the curses they're using are amazing."
- The Lie I've Lived. After his battle with the Dementors at the end of PoA, Harry finds out that he has all his dad's memories, courtesy of all the weird magic flying around the night Voldemort tried to kill him. When he tells Sirius:
Harry: Didn't I tell you to shut it? It shook loose something all right, but it wasn't power. I found all of Prongs's memories in my head â€“ the entire life and times of James Potter.
Sirius: If you're having one on me, Harry, this isn't a funny joke.
Harry: If I was having one on I'd tell you I have Lily's memories and now I'm gender confused.
- An honourable mention must go to the way HJ (as he styles himself soon after the events spoiler-tagged above) deals with the First Task. It has to be read to be believed, but to give you some idea of the sheer Crazy Awesome of it, the only reason Albus denied him a perfect ten was because he committed the cardinal sin of covering a Rolling Stones song other than "Ruby Tuesday".
- Make a Wish basically consists entirely of these: After finding out about the prophecy in book 5, Harry decides to have a bit of fun before his inevitable end at the hands of Voldemort and goes on a world trip. He travels from country to country in the disguise of "Mr. Black" and due to an egregious amount of dumb luck and strange coincidences, he dispatches Death Eaters and other bad guys left and right without really realizing what he is doing. The whole time, "Mr. Black" is watched by various magical law enforcement organizations, reporters, etc. who are convinced that Harry's bumbling around is actually a case of Obfuscating Stupidity. When Harry returns to England, "Mr. Black" is dreaded all over the world as the biggest badass dark-wizard-killer of known history, who is older and more powerful than Merlin himself, was responsible for the sinking of Atlantis, etc. pp.
- Which gets an even more hilarious shoutout in the [[Larceny, Lechery, and Luna Lovegood!]] fanfic where Harry is a Master thief and breaks into various houses. However, he hasn't been around in public and Dumbledore and various other Wizards are musing as to what he might be up to. Suddenly a Wizard yells that "Harry has changed his name to Black and is secretly kicking Voldemorts ass!". This does gets dismissed but had this troper in stitches.
- The Man in Draco's Bed is basically made of this. A desperate Lucius, standing in Malfoy Manor's entrance hall, pointing a gun to his own temple, says it all: “THAT’S IT. I’M MAD AS HELL AND I’M NOT TAKING IT ANYMORE! I’VE GOT BLOODY DEATH EATERS STUCK IN ROOMS ALL OVER MY HOME, A COVEN OF FUCKING GRYFFINDORS IN THE SITTING ROOM, A DOTTY OLD COOT PLAYING “SCRATCH THE KITTY” WITH HIS PET ANIMAGUS, A PREGNANT TEMPORARY-SQUIB SON-IN-LAW WHO’S EATING ME OUT OF HOUSE AND HOME AND THE FUCKING LORD OF DARKNESS STANDING OUT ON MY FRONT STEPS!!! LIFE AS I KNOW IT…IS… NOW … OFFICIALLY …OVER!”
- Naked Quidditch Match. All of Harry and Voldemort's correspondence, full stop:
From: Lord Voldemort NOT Tommy!
Re: Re: Minions
Are you threatening ME?
From: Harry Potter
Re: Re: Re: Minions
Why, yes! Now that you ask.
Whatcha going to do about it? Kill me?
- "A story of pain and sorrow, not intented for comfort or laughter...a story that remains untold, on of abuse and blood...telling of a shattered girl who learned to twist a heart of stone into one of warm gold. This is not a story for the faint of heart, nor the happy in spirit. But for those who are able to understand what it means to be hurt...to watch as a girl's spirit is shattered like glass upon concrete. Watch as she melts the young master's heart of ice, and watch as she helps him heal. She has no name, but his... is Señor Draco."
- Newton Knows Best is one long laugh-fest, but the description of Gladderbee's comet (which becomes a Brick Joke) takes the cake:
...she quite wanted to accelerate James’ mass with the amount of force necessary to place him straight in the path of one of the tree’s flailing branches. She didn’t, though. Mainly because she thought it wouldn’t get her her wand back any time before Gladderbee’s Comet came round again (Gladderbee’s Comet passes the Earth every five hundred years, and only if it happens to be a year in which a leprechaun of the age of six hundred and sixty-nine years old has died standing up, his left eye closed in a wink, while he is having a flirtation with a fairy with green wings. In the entire infinite expanse of time, Gladderbee’s Comet has only passed the Earth an extra-ordinary total of zero consecutive times)
- Also, Lupin's reaction to Lily's behavior in the hospital wing.
- In Obsessive Lily Disorder there are countless moments, some of the best being:
- "Thanks Sirius," Remus replied ungratefully, "for stomping on my wand, rubbing your arse up against me and suggesting an appropriate choice of committing suicide."
- "Are you saying you have female friends?" Peter asked Sirius.
"Of course I do!"
"Alright then, name one."
"She's your cousin," Remus pointed out. "Relations don't count."
"Besides, have you forgotten that you hate her guts and want a Thestral to mow her down?" James reminded him.
"Just because I think she's a bitch doesn't mean she's not my friend," Sirius argued. "I think you're all bitches, but you're still my friends."
- Sirius puts a spell on James that forces him to only speak in rhyme: "Your name is Sirius Black. You are on crack. Your face is not in tack. All you do is yack. You're something I want to whack. You have no ball sack-"
- Just everything to do with the Peenapul sisters. Everything.
- "Well, isn't that typical," Sirius remarked, rolling his eyes. Remus shone a look of confusion. "Even when you're high, Moony, you see intelligent things." He wagged a finger. "Prongs see's Lily-silly-billy. Wormtail sees bunnies. I see boobs. And what do you see? Historical figures."
- Remus made a hellish glare. "Bend over before I bite you."
- All of James' suicide attempts. Particularly the one where he tries to drown himself in the lake: "Hey, they're my
handcuffs!" Sirius shouted, examining them from a distance. "Oh, wait. Those are pink and fluffy. Mine are black. I do apologize."
- "Well, actually," Sirius cringed, "It was the Moony-man's homophobic spirit in him that saved you," he said proudly.
Remus looked at him indcredulously. "Did you just call me homophobic?"
"Oh, sorry. I meant heroic."
James cracked up laughing but only led to outcries of pain and coughing up a little phlegm on his bed sheet.
"Oh, that's lovely," Sirius commented, looking at the spit where his hand had been only seconds before.
Sirius gasped as if he were burned. "Fine!" he said, in a tone which clearly stated he was not, "Fine! I'll prank Snivellus by myself. But you'll be sorry when I have the medal for honouree homophobic-ness...I mean heroicness! HEROICNESS, damn it! Why are those words so bloody similar?"
- The entire scene when James and Peter walk in on Sirius tying Remus up so he can force feed him Polyjuice Potion and jump to the wrong conclusion.
- When James lampshades
the fact the Sirius a lot of the songs that Sirius keeps singing haven't been written yet (because it's set in the 70's.)
- In the sequel You Give Me Heart Palpatations we have:
- Sirius' version of the Lord' Prayer: "Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada, heaven is better than hell, daily bread is nice- especially toast- trespassers will be shot. The end. Amen. Anyone want to join me for lunch? I have the odd sensation for salad.”
- Sirius singing 'Everybody was Kung Fu Fighting' and Remus threatening to leap off the back of their broom if he didn't shut up.
- James, Lily, Sirius, Remus and Pettigrew missing the train and attempting to walk to Hogwarts: "Sirius suddenly thought of an ingenious idea and stopped walking, making the others take attention to him. "Oooow," he moaned, rather theatrically. He put the back of his hand to his head and groaned again, hovering a foot in the air. "My foot hurts," he shot an inclining look at Remus, "Moony, could you be a doll and-"
"Don't even think about it."
- Sirius' letter to Dumbledore explaining that they missed the train that got exceedingly off-topic:
Just writing a note to tell you we are cool (teenage slang word for fine and well).
No need to worry about us, especially me since I am exceedingly missed, mostly by Professor McGonagall who is probably reading this over your shoulder and was in your office because she was giving you a spanking! OH YEAH, SIRIUS BLACK KNOWS ALL, MATE. Don't think that I haven't seen you two do footsie under the teachers' table in the great hall, you two! If you don't give me a million galleons by tomorrow evening at seventeen hundred hours, I will be forced to declare your TEACHERS SEX to the ENTIRE SCHOOL at the breakfast table. DON'T THINK THAT I WON'T DO IT, MATEY-
- Remus eyed Sirius' trouser pocket with suspicion, the clothing looking more active than usual. "You can let him out now."
Sirius cocked an eyebrow. "Excuse me?"
"Peter. You can let Peter out now."
"That's funny, 'cos I thought you were referring to my-"
"Don't even," Remus cut in shortly.
- Sirius calling everyone 'papoose' as both an insult and a term of endearment, despite Remus' frequent protests that that neither is the real definition.
- A conversation between James and Sirius about Remus' 'furry little problem' leads Frank Longbottom to believe that they're planning an orgy with a rabbit.
- Sirius' alternating names for Hogsmeade whilst drunk: Hoogamed, Hogmeedy and Hoggasmed.
- "Yawning, James was about to make his way to his dorm for bed, when he remembered Lily was still unconscious on the floor – sadly remembering it too late as he tripped over one of her strewn arms with a "What the bugger!" "
- "I really think getting drunk in a forbidden forest is a bad idea. You're likely to get molested by a centaur," said James.
"Ugh," Sirius shuddered. "You know what the worst part about that would be? They'd probably do it while commenting every few seconds, 'Mars is bright tonight'."
"The way they go on about the luminosity of Mars you'd think it was decorated in Christmas tree lights."
"I wish it was so I could actually see it in the sky for once when a centaur remarks about it."
- He looked over her shoulder and scanned the note; his face quickly matched Lily's. "My, it appears to be drawings of stick people."
"Labeled after us," Lily pointed to their names. "And what exactly are the stick people doing, James?"
He had a feeling she very well knew what the diagrams of the stick people were doing - she just wanted to embarrass him. And she was doing an exceptional job of it, turning him redder than ever.
"They're…" He cleared his throat. "They're having… sex, in various impossible positions." He met Lily's eyes and looked apologetic. "I swear I did not draw those-"
"Sirius," Lily presumed before he went on. "For someone who you've said has never even had sex, it's rather alarming that he knows so many ways to… apparently break your groin."
"Especially in that one," James tapped the parchment with a squirm. "We should leave this around to freak out some first years."
Lily stared at him. "And that is why Dumbledore chose you as Head Boy."
- So yeah, basically anything involving Sirius will be a Crowning Moment of Funny.
- Palimpsest has this conversation between Harry and Draco while they're chained up in a dungeon for detention:
Harry: "Hang around here often?"
Draco: "No, first time for me. Do Muggles do this a lot?"
Harry: "I suppose it had to happen, sooner or later. I mean, if Filch never got to chain anyone up, no one would take him seriously anymore, would they?"
Draco: "True, true. But even though it's an old, traditional, and customary punishment, I'm not really certain Father will consider my present situation one likely to add luster to the Malfoy name."
Harry: "So, sucks to be you?"
Draco: "Sucks and double sucks. Professor Snape is my Godfather. What he leaves will, sooner or later, get worked over by Father. For my own good. For letting down the name."
Harry: "Belt or cane?"
Draco: "Please, please, Potter. We're an old and magical family. Belt and cane are so… Muggle. Pain and humiliation have been studied for hundreds of years by my family. You couldn't understand…"
Harry: "Sucks to be you. I'm sorry, and I don't even like you. And we two didn't even start it! I mean, here we are, and… why?"
Draco: "Malfoys lead, even when we don't. Uneasy lies the head that wears the… hair? All of a sudden I'm not feeling all that witty. I'll just get quiet, and… panic. Ah, you're not bad company, Potter."
- In Partially Kissed Hero, Harry needs to distract Dumbledore, so he dupes the entire Wizarding government of England into thinking that the evil American muggle Colonel Harland Sanders (KFC) and his cronies Barney the Dinosaur and a doughboy from Pillsbury are out to kill them with eleven herbs and spices.
- Possibly even better is when, after Harry hires most of Hogwarts's house-elves, the now understaffed Hogwarts elves start bringing in food from outside instead of cooking dinner themselves to cut down the workload—starting with hundreds of buckets of KFC. Dumbledore has a heart attack upon seeing it and is dragged away screaming about how eleven herbs and spices were going to poison them all.
- While an amusing idea, a fair warning: It would have been funny... if it weren't for the massive canon rape, brutality, gore, massive rapes, idiot plot and beyond measure "psychopathic morality" to enjoy. Is like a combination of Naked Empire, Paladin of Shadows with Hostel but badly written. And its a "serious" work. This troper (reading from the above link)was to horrorified by this point to even chuckle.
- But, that said, if you ignore that it is quite fun to read. Just don't actually think about what happens in it much or their implications.
- From The Power To Vanquish The Dark Lord:
Harry: So, I just need to know how to fall in love when I don't want to and I completely hate the person and want him dead.
Hermione: You do know that's usually not the best place to start from?
- Random Mutterings at the Back *At the Little Hangelton graveyard, random Death Eaters at the back discuss:*
1: Sir is still yakking. Oh shit he's going to tell us how clever he is... and my knees are killing me. My rheumatism will 'alf give me gyp kneeling in a damp churchyard.
2: And listen to him whinge on about how we didn't spend the last 12 bloody years crawling all over Europe looking for him. As if I didn't have better things to do with my time.
1: Too right. 'Mightier than any living wizard' my arse. If he's so fucking mighty, why doesn't he just curse Potter instead of talking us all to death?
2: I think I've ruptured something. Not natural balancing on one knee.
1: Oh come on, just KILL him and be done with it.
2: What's the hurry?
1: I think I've left the cauldron on.
2: What's that he's going on about now? Why doesn't he just kill him?
1: Too bloody fond of the sound of his own voice. Squeaky git...
- A good part of Odd Ideas, but the one that takes the cake is Chapter 152, "Warden Black", where it is found very early that Sirius is innocent and, in exchange, he demands being made Warden of Azkaban. To carry out his plan to turn the Death Eaters into useless wastes of space (just in case Voldemort tries to break them out), he puts televisions in every cell to hook the Death Eaters into Muggle TV programs and hires a Muggle-born to cook incredibly fattening food (to be given to the prisoners six times a day). Fifteen years later...
Voldemort invades a surprisingly lacking-in-defenses Azkaban, and gets interrupted.
"Outta the way," a grotesque voice screeched. "Yer blocking the tele."
Voldemort turned, a spell on his lips to end the enormous creature that had dared speak to him in such a manner. "Av-Bella?" His most faithful of followers had really let herself go. Where once she'd been a sleek engine of destruction, years of deep fried food and a sedentary lifestyle had left her five times her previous size.
"My Lord," the woman replied, shoving another handful of deep fried chocolate lard balls into her mouth. "I knew you'd return." Her eyes stared past him at the television. "The others lost faith but I never did. I've exercised ever day so that I'd be prepared to return to your side."
"You've exercised?" he asked in disbelief, staring at the fifty five stone woman with profound dismay.
"Yes, my Lord. Years of prison have takent their toll, but I remain the most fit and ready of your servants."
"Most fit?" he felt faint. He was going to have to start over from the beginning, something made immeasurably more difficult without the contacts he'd made through his years at Hogwarts.
- All of Ron's Hogwarts, a Ron bashfic that Crosses the Line Twice. For instance there's when Ron decides to run away because the teachers are actually making him do school work at school:
"I'm going to run away." Ron says in the early morning hours after he's back in the Gryffindor Tower. "Mum and Dad will have to make her stop being so mean to me." Getting up he sneaks out of the room, sneaking out of the door and down the to the kitchen, after all he can't run away on an empty stomach...
"How far did he get?"
"Not even to the edge of the Hogwarts wards. He was cold and hungry and his feet hurt."
"Hey Weasley, if you're running away. . .the general idea is to leave." Draco says mockingly. Everybody in the Great Hall who'd heard Harry tell Ginny Ron had run away or been told by others as they came into the room laugh.
- All of Saying No but especially the Black Comedy of Harry and Ron's experiments with the range and limitations of the summoning spell—starting with the murder of Dudley Dursley's computer to seeing if they could use it to maim or kill Death Eaters from a distance:
Ron: I'm game. But where do you want to start?
Harry: Internal organs first.
Ron: Do you mind? I'm eating!
Ron: I'll live. Besides, if you're going to go through with this, you might want to do it while Hermione's upstairs. *looks longingly at his sandwich* If it works, I'll only sick the thing up.
Harry: Accio Pettigrew's heart!
Ron: Harry, open the window!
Harry: Crap. Forgot about that!
- Slip of the Tongue (warning, this fic contains explicit sex) All of it is hilarious. But particularly:
- Snape rather hoped Lockhart would swish a little too enthusiastically by the fire and go up in flames.
- He could catch up on his professional journal reading, as he was falling behind due to having to deal with idiotic fellow faculty, dunderheaded DADA instructors who were neither competent in the Dark Arts nor qualified to be instructors ... or he could drink until his eyes crossed and fall into bed.
The last option sounded best.
- (Just after the sex scene) It was lovely. Incredible. Wonderful.
It was Lockhart.
Snape gave up the fight and fainted dead away.
- Finally, and worst of all, the randy peacock not only sat next to him, but then began to rattle on about what a wonderful couple they made and how he couldn't wait to have another rendezvous and do it all again.
Flitwick, Hooch and McGonagall gave him identical looks of complete shock, then Snape was appalled to see money exchange hands. Hooch looked quite smug afterward.
He was simply going to have to kill them all.
Or perhaps just himself.
Or maybe just Dumbledore.
Still undecided, he stormed away from the breakfast table and hid in his laboratory until he could safely sneak up to Dumbledore's office. Not that he would admit he hid, nor sneaked, although he did indeed do both.
Dumbledore's eyes were twinkling.
That did it. He had to kill Dumbledore. He opened his mouth to say exactly that when it hit him that he couldn't kill Dumbledore. For one thing, Dumbledore wouldn't let him. For another, of the lot of them, Dumbledore was the least expendable.
"Please," he begged, unashamed. "Kill me now."
The twinkle disappeared in a wave of shock. "Erm," Dumbledore said very slowly, "toffee?"
"Or I'll simply have to kill Lockhart. No one would miss him. Truly. Honestly. Who would miss him? I wouldn't! You wouldn't! Nobody would! OUCH!" he yelped as he forgot for a moment, in the heat of his plea, and sat down directly on his abused bum. He popped back up to his feet, alternately glaring balefully and staring pleadingly at Dumbledore.
- In Some Other Beginning's End when mentor!Voldemort learns that Harry is completely illiterate in runes, parseltongue or otherwise:
Voldemort: You are going to be able to read and write fluently in both alphabets within the next decade, Harry. Which would you like to learn first?
Harry: I guess Parseltongue. If for nothing else, it'll be interesting to read something by another parselmouth. I can see it now: 'Muggles Are Dumb and Stinky' by Salazar Slytherin, and the sequel: 'Yeah, What He Said,' by Tom Marvolo Riddle.
Voldemort: I will have you know that neither Salazar Slytherin nor myself have published any books, and if we had – they would certainly be about more important things than muggle bashing.
Harry: Right, of course. He'd also have written 'Godric Gryffindor is a Poo-Poo Head' and then you'd have: 'So is Harry Potter'.
Voldemort: Enough of that.
- Surrender gives us this gem after the Hogwarts staff has been unknowingly dosed with veritaserum:
Welcome to Defense Against the Dark Arts. You have had five teachers in this subject so far, I believe: The Dark Lord himself, an incompetent fraud, a werewolf, a death eater in league with the Dark Forces, and a giggling sadist in a league well beyond the Dark Forces. Needless to say, your education in this subject leaves a little to be desired. From which any reasonable person would conclude that it is a very, very bad idea to let a 116 year old man make hiring decisions all by himself. But for some reason, the rest of Dumbledore's starry-eyed staff refuses to see things that way. Given this appalling lack of proper instruction, I am surprised - no, impressed,
dammit- that so many of you scraped a passing grade in this subject. I cannot imagine where you all learned so much about Defense Against the Dark Arts, especially since you were taught by Professor Umbridge last year, who wouldn't recognize the Dark Lord if he were sitting right in front of her.
Tom Riddle (disguised as Draco Malfoy): Well, I'm glad we've got you teaching us this year, then, sir.
Thank you, Mr. Malfoy. That's odd... Why is it that I can no longer read your thoughts, Mr. Malfoy? Have you been practicing occlumency over the summer? I wouldn't have thought someone of your normally paltry intellect capable of such a thing. Not that I'm complaining, mind you; it is rather a relief not to risk accidentally picking up on your ridiculous fantasies about certain of your classmates in the middle of my class. I do wish the rest of you would practice occlumency as well, but I suppose that is too much to hope for. I cannot help sensing your perverted daydreams when you are supposed to be paying attention in class. Being a legilimens is really more of a curse than a blessing when one is teaching teenagers.
I must admit that some of your fantasies are mildly entertaining and good for a laugh, but several of them are rather disturbing. My detentions are not nearly
as interesting as some of you seem to imagine. I am also growing terribly weary of centaur fantasies - that goes for you, Miss Patil, Miss Brown, Miss Parkinson, and
Mr. Goyle. As for you, Mr. Longbottom, nobody
should do that with a plant. And Mr. Weasley... Oh, that's just preposterous! Obliviate!
- Then there's the instance where the identity of Harry's boyfriend becomes known:
"I have a suggestion," put in Remus Lupin mildly. "Why don't we all sit down and listen to what Harry has to say?"
"Wonderful idea, love." Sirius beamed at him and ruffled his hair affectionately, but McGonagall sighed deeply.
"Sit down and listen? That's all well and good, Remus - but that boy is Voldemort, for Merlin's sake! He's going to kill Harry, and the rest of us too, if he gets a chance. He needs to be disarmed."
"All right." Harry stuck his hand in Tom's pocket and pulled out his wand. He placed the wand in the middle of the kitchen table. "There. I disarmed the Dark Lord." He kissed Tom softly on the lips. "It was a spectacular duel. Can we talk now?"
McGonagall eyed Tom warily. "Maybe he's got some other wands hidden somewhere. Better check, Harry."
"Happy to..." Harry brushed his hands over Tom, and Sirius muttered: "Oh, get a room, boys!"
- Stupid Good!Harry in To The Waters and the Wild:
*I will eat you up! I will eat... I will rip.. Tear...*
* Oh, are you hungry, then?* Harry reached out and petted the hard greenish scales gently. *That's not surprising, actually. It's got to be hard to find enough food when you are this size...*
* I will eat you!* insisted the serpent.
Harry had to laugh. *Oh, no, Mr. Basilisk, I'm not food. And neither is Tom, of course. But if you hang on a minute, I'll find you some sausages or something - the Slytherin boys always sneak some up to the common room with them after lunch. Ron always seems to get hungry in the late afternoon, and Crabbe and Goyle as well. Oh, but I do have an apple in my pocket.* Harry produced the apple and handed it to the poor snake. The apple looked ridiculously tiny compared to the vast green serpent. *It's not a lot for you to eat when you are this size, of course, but if we just shrink you down a little...There!*
The next moment, the huge shape looming above them was gone, and in its stead, a pretty footlong snake stared up at Harry with golden eyes. *What... How did you get so big?*
Harry laughed and picked up the snake. *I didn't get bigger; you just got a little smaller, Mr. Basilisk. Here, try the apple - it should be a lot more filling now.*
The serpent hesitated for a moment, then gulped down the apple and looked hungrily at Harry's arm. It was a good thing Harry had dimmed the Basilisk's vision, or he might have had a little stony patch on his forearm right now! Or maybe the petrifying gaze only worked if you looked back with your eyes?
Harry turned to Tom with a smile. "Come on, Tom! Let's go get him some sausages. He still seems hungry."
But Tom just stood there for a long moment, staring at Harry with his wide silver-grey eyes. How curious that Tom, who was usually made of nothing but words, now suddenly seemed to be at a loss for them!
- Tom VS Muggle Technology, in which Lord Voldemort is "attacked" by a microwave:
Harry: What in the world are you doing to the poor machine!
Tom: It tried to attack me!
Harry: You dropped your cufflink.
Harry: Microwave and metal make big boom.
- The otherwise unremarkable Harry/Ginny Lemon The Voice of Experience by Laylah (registration required) has this immortal punchline:
And then it happened: perfectly in time with each other, the way that sex never happens in real life, [Harry and Ginny] came in unison, moaning, "Oh... yes... Draco!"
The Talk that followed was far less thrilling than the sex, though at least as educational.
- In Wrong For Him when Voldemort gives his minions new orders—"seduce Potter":
Bellatrix: If I said you had a good body would you hold it against me?
Snape: I'm like a Rubik's cube. The more you play with me, the harder I get.
Harry: *laughing hysterically*
Snape: Is that a no then? Very well. And pull yourself together, Potter. You look like an idiot.
Dolohov: If I bit my lip would you kiss it better?
Random Deatheater1: Can I have your picture? I want Santa to know exactly what I want for Christmas.
Random Deatheater2: Your beauty is so distracting it caused me to walk into a wall. I'll need your name and number for insurance purposes.
Random Deatheater3: Excuse me; could you give me directions to your apartment?
Random Deatheater4: If being sexy is a crime, you are guilty as charge—
Lucius: If I tossed this coin, what are the chances of me getting head?