Funny / Empire Records

  • Debra and Gina blithely observe Lucas chase shoplifter Warren around the store:
    Gina: Isn't it customary to *leave* the scene after committing the crime?
    Debra: Definitely an amateur.
    • Followed by Gina's announcement to the customers:
    Gina: Attention Rex Manning fans, to your left you will notice a shoplifter being chased by night manager, Lucas. This young man will be caught, deep fried in a vat of hot oil and served to our first hundred customers. (Evil Laugh) Just another tasty treat from the gang at Empire Records.
  • Gina wearing Music Town apron. "I think Music Town is torn on the whole 'revealing clothing' issue."
    • Even funnier is Lucas trying to cover Warren's eyes while Gina is dancing, and Warren pulling away.
  • Debra and Gina's Snark-to-Snark Combat:
    Debra: No visible tattoos.
    Gina: No revealing clothing.
    Debra: We're both screwed. At least you're used to it.
    Gina: Oh now, Debra, don't be bitter, surely with your ever growing collection of flesh mutilating silver appendages and your brand new neo-nazi boot camp makeover the boys will come a-runnin'.
  • "You play a mean guitar, Mark! It's really a shame that you must...DIE!"
    • And of course, Mark's reaction to seeing himself devoured on stage.
  • "Empire Records, we're open till midnight, this is Mark... (Beat) Midnight!"
    • Doubly funny for anyone who has ever worked any Customer Service/Reception position involving such a canned phrase... or who has ever called such a business only needing to know the business hours.
  • Lucas tried to save Empire at the start of the film. He loses some money meant to pay the shop's bank bills when gambling. Cue him looking at the camera and delivering this.
    Lucas: I wonder if I'll be held responsible for this...
  • "Well Sinead O'Rebellion! Shock me, shock me, shock me, with that deviant behaviour!"
    • "God, that is so clever. I swear you get smarter the shorter your skirt gets."
  • AJ glues coins to the floor. Warren questions why.
    AJ: I don't feel the need to explain my art to you.
  • Lucas makes a confession.
    Lucas:Joe, I have to be honest with you. The money is not here... it's in Atlantic City.
    Joe: What's it doing in Atlantic City?
    Lucas: ...Recirculating?
  • Lucas' attempts to freak out Warren.
  • Lucas attempts to calm Warren down.
    Lucas: Look at this music. Rap...How about some calming classical? Maybe some jazz.
    Warren: Maybe you bite me.
  • His name's definitely not fucking Warren.
  • Rex Manning, blithely unaware that his fame is outdated, is thinking he'll get a big turnout of young sexy female fans like he enjoyed having in his heydey. Instead, he gets a steady stream of housewives his own age that slowly put a hit to his huge ego. Until he gets one young sexy female fan in line for an autograph... she can give to her mother.