History Funny / EddieIzzard

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* Long story short, [[ItMakesAsMuchSenseInContext a riff on mice turns into a tribute to]] ''Film/TheItalianJob''.
* The petrol station skit from Definite Article.
** "Brown bread, I'd like some brown bread. No that's diesel oil."
** A queue of murderers!
** "Ello, we're murderers. Er Twix, please."
* YOU. Cake or death?
** Uh, cake, please.
** VERY WELL. Give him cake.
** Uh, cake for me too, please!
*** VERY WELL. Give him cake ''too.''...We're gonna run out of cake at this rate!
** Uh, death please--[[VerbalBackspace no, cake! CAKE! Sorry...]]
*** You said death first! Ahah, death first!
*** Well, I meant "cake"!
*** ...Oh, alright. [[ReasonableAuthorityFigure You're lucky I'm Church of England]]...
** [[TakeAThirdOption I'll have the chicken, then, please]].
*** [[ImAHumanitarian Taste of humans, sir!]]
** [[UsefulNotes/AdolfHitler Eh, I asked for the vegetarian]].
*** Thank you for flying Church of England, cake or death?
* "We stole countries; that's what you do, that's how you build an empire. We stole countries with the cunning use of flags. Just sail around the world and stick a flag in. ''"I claim India for Britain!"'' And they're going ''"You can't claim us, we LIVE here! Five hundred million of us!" '''"[[InsaneTrollLogic Do you have a FLAG?]]"'''''
* COVERED IN BEEEEES!!
* Related to the above "Cake or Death" skit: "The Spanish Inquisition wouldn't have worked with the Church of England." ''"Talk, will you?! Talk!"'' "But it hurts!" [[ReasonableAuthorityFigure "Oh, well loosen it up a bit..."]]
* The [[Franchise/StarWars Death Star]] canteen skit.
** "That's Jeff Vader that is."
** "Well, you still need a tray."
** "You're Mister Stevens!"
** "This is not a game of WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?"
** The RETURN of the Death Star Canteen skit. "It's a bit of a saga now."
* The bit on ''TabletopGame/{{Risk}}'', as Hitler would have known not to invade Russia if he'd ever played it. "Get all the purples, get everyone on Papua New Guinea, and then just build up, build up, build up."
** "And the Austro-Hungarian Empire, famous for ''[[SuddenlyShouting FUCK-ALL!]]''"
** And the knowledge that Hitler was a vegetarian painter prompts this... interesting observation:
--->'''Hitler:''' ''[mimes trying to paint something] ''Can't get the fucking trees... DAMN! I WILL KILL EVERYONE IN THE WORLD!!
* I was dead at the time! I... I was on the moon.
** With Steve.
*** "I haven't even ''accused'' you of anything yet!"
*** "Did you brush your teeth?" "No! Yes! What's correct?"
* Basically all of her "horror movies" bit. Watch it [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j4yrL6rc6bU here.]]
** Especially:
-->So of course, vampires can be driven away with a cross, so we're all wondering: do fingers work? "I am going to suck your blood!!!!" "Nooo, fingers."
* "[[GoryDeadlyOverkillTitleOfFatalDeath Room with a View of HELL!]] [[IDontLikeTheSoundOfThatPlace Staircase of SATAN! Pond of DEATH]]."
-->'''Male Gangster Voice:''' You fuck my wife?! You fuck my wife?! You fuck my wife?!
-->'''Almost Identical Voice:''' I AM your wife!
-->'''Male Gangster:''' That dudn't mattah, that dudn't mattah! I say again, you fuck my wife?!
-->'''Male Gangster's Wife:''' ...Alright, yes, I fucked your wife! I AM your wife and I fucked her!
* "Would you like to come in for coffee?", that then gets repeated in [[BilingualBonus French]] and then it's just hilarious.
* ''[sing-song]'' If you've never seen an elephant ski then you've never been on acid.
* Cool, cool, hip and groovy, looking like a dickhead...
* The mentions of Scrabble and jam.
** "93 letters, 'chiropractor.'"
* "In the Christian faith, God created Adam in his own image. So that was good. But, 65 million years ''before'' that, God created the dinosaurs. Using the image of his cousin, Ted."
** "Ted was not the BlackSheep of the family, he was the huge fucking monster of the family..."
* The [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zwyJk_TfvqQ opening]] of the ''Dress to Kill'' DVD, telling of how the people on the tram are prisoners on their way to Alcatraz.
-->Freddy Dingo there, a few wise words from him.
** And the trailer for [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GbMaGsVYs_Q "Lust For Glorious"]] at the start of ''Glorious''
-->''Pressure...''
* Her imitation of the British fighting UsefulNotes/WorldWarII before the Americans came along. Like so:
-->Get the tanks out, get the -- we haven't ''got'' any tanks, then get that ice cream van out there. Get that out there... ''[points]'' Kill! Oh, fuck it -- ''[mimes making and throwing ice cream cones]'' ...fuck off... everything! Just throw everything at them! Just... that's not... harder! Orange fruities -- Zooms! Throw the Zooms! Fuck ''off'', you bastards... pots and pans, get pots -- just throw the pots and pans at them!
* Her bit on Website/{{Wikipedia}}, from his ''Stripped'' tour. "Run by Mr. and Mrs. Wikipedia... who live in a toilet somewhere, I think, they have no money..."
* The bit on "Definite Article", recorded live at the Shaftesbury Theater, where she goes off on a tangent about the TV show "Series/{{Renegade}}" -- more specifically, when she interacted with an audience member while struggling to remember the name of the show, and said audience member yelled out "Izzog Man" as the probable name of the show.
** The other bit off "Definite Article" about shopping at supermarkets, from the benefits of hand baskets vs. trolleys to what 85-year-old women typically get there.
* "The First Battalion Transvestite Brigade! ''Airborne wing!''"
* At British Comedy Awards 2013, she came to the stage to read the nominations for Best TV Comedy Actor. Before reading the nominations, she starts talking about how the winner is the funniest person in the world and literally a god, and then says that she doesn't know who the winner is and that she hopes that the winner is actually good because otherwise, Eddie will look stupid.
* "'Ere! Jammy Dodgers!?" [SFX] MEERRRRR... POFF! "And we hit a mountain. [[UnexplainedRecovery And I died.]]"
** For context, the pilot of the tiny plane Eddie was riding in snagged all the good complimentary cookies for himself, leaving the passengers with crappy digestive biscuits, and threatened to crash the plane if anyone complained.
* Her bit on the [[https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NI8UZubOJlo Latin language]], but especially this: "Quod. The. ''Fuck.''"
** Immediately afterwards:
-->'''Latin Soldier 1:''' Front partus elephantine maximum squirrel, upside downus, back to frontus. Back partus, biggus piggus ever seenus.
-->'''Latin Soldier 2:''' Fuckus duckus.
-->'''Latin Soldier 1:''' Motherfuckus.
-->'''Latin Soldier 2:''' Run, motherfuckus!
* The whole Christmas routine, but especially this line.
--> '''Eddie:''' So Baby (Jesus) was there, and then he grew up, grew older, and died. Uh... shortest version of ''that'' story, isn't it?
* Jesus and the Apostles posing at the Last Supper so Creator/LeonardoDaVinci can paint the [[Art/TheLastSupper picture]].
-->'''Apostle 1:''' Jesus, why are you doing [[BuffySpeak the big arms thing?]]\\
'''Jesus:''' I dunno, I just thought I'd do a big arms thing...\\
'''Apostle 1:''' Well I'm gonna do a big arms thing as well.\\
'''Apostle 2:''' Yes me too, I quite like the big arms.\\
'''Jesus:''' Look we can't ''all'' do big arms! We'd look like a squadron of Spitfires... Look, ''I'll'' do big arms, and the rest of you just look at me and go "ooh, he's doing big arms," alright?
* How they came up with the name "Englebert Humperdinck".
-->Then his manager said, "Let's change your name, that's the problem." Gerry Dorsey became Engelbert Humperdinck. I wanted to be in the room when they were working that one through.
-->"Zingelbert Bembledack!"\\
"Yingybert Dambleban."\\
"Zangelbert Bingledack."\\
"Wengelbert Humptyback."\\
"Slut Bunwallah."\\
"What?"\\
"All right, Kringelbert Fistyebuns."\\
"Steviebuns Buttritrundle."\\
"Gerry Dorsey, I like Gerry Dorsey."\\
"No, we can't."\\
"Zingelbert Bimbledack, Tringelbert Wangledack, Slut Bunwallah, Klingybun Fistelvase, Dindelbert Zindeldack."\\
"Gerry Dorsey."\\
"Engelbert Humptyback, Zangelbert Bingeldack."\\
"Engelbert Humperdinck, Vingerbert Wingeldanck..."\\
"No, go back one."
* Welsh Pavlov's Cat Experiments
** Day One: rang bell, cat fucked off. Oh dear.
** Day Two: rang bell, cat went and answered door.
** Day Three: rang bell, cat said he'd eaten earlier. Cheeky bugger.
** Day Four: attempted to ring bell, but cat had stolen batteries.
** Day Five: went to ring bell with new batteries, but cat put his paw on bell so it only made a 'thunk' noise. Then cat rang his own bell! I ate food...
* ''Dress to Kill'' has a couple of brilliant bits of mime. For example, on how to fake your way through the American national anthem when you don't know the lyrics: it's all about looking confident and gesturing wildly.
-->'''Eddie:''' Keep confirming and denying!
** Later she revisits the same mime routine to repeatedly, wordlessly confirm and deny the rumor that Engelbert Humperdinck and/or Frank Sinatra has died.
* She talks about British attitudes towards childhood dreams versus American attitudes.
-->'''Child Eddie:''' I wanna be a space astronaut! Go to outer space! Discover things that have never been discovered!
-->'''Teacher:''' Look, you're British, so scale it down a bit, alright?
-->'''Child Eddie:''' ...alright, I wanna work in a shoe shop! Discover shoes no-one's ever discovered, right in the back of the shop on the left!
-->'''Teacher:''' Look, you're British, so scale it down a bit, alright?
-->'''Child Eddie:''' ...alright, I wanna work in a ''sewer.''
-->'''Adult Eddie:''' Whereas I always identified with the American attitude of "Yes! It can be done! It will be done! What do you want to do?" "I wanna... put babies on spikes!" '''''"GO THEN!"'''''
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* [[GoryDeadlyOverkillTitleOfFatalDeath Room with a View of HELL!]] [[IDontLikeTheSoundOfThatPlace Staircase of SATAN! Pond of DEATH]]."

* Jesus and the Apostles posing at the Last Supper so Leonardo da Vinci can paint the picture.

"All right, Kringelbert Fishtybuns."\\

** Later she revisits the same mime routine to repeatedly, wordlessly confirm and deny the rumor that Engelbert Humperdinck has died.

* Her bit on Wiki/{{Wikipedia}}, from his ''Stripped'' tour. "Run by Mr. and Mrs. Wikipedia... who live in a toilet somewhere, I think, they have no money..."

* The [[StarWars Death Star]] canteen skit.

** Day Five: went to ring bell with new batteries, but cat put his paw on bell so it made a 'thunk' noise. Then cat rang his own bell! I ate food...

-->'''Male Gangster Voice:''' ''You fuck my wife?! You fuck my wife?! You fuck my wife?!"
-->'''Almost Identical Voice:'''"I AM your wife!"
-->'''Male Gangster:''' ''That dudn't mattah, that dudn't mattah! I say again, you fuck my wife?!''
-->'''Male Gangster's Wife:''' ''...Alright, yes, I fucked your wife! I AM your wife and I fucked her!''

-->'''Male Gangster:''' ''It dudn't mattah, I say again, DID you FUCK my WIFE?''
-->'''Male Gangster's Wife:''' ''...Alright, yes, I fucked your wife! I AM your wife and I FUCKED your wife!''

** Day Two: rang bell, cat answered door.

** Day Five: rang bell with new batteries, but cat put paw on bell so it made an odd 'thunk' noise. Then cat rang his own bell! I ate food...

** For context, the pilot of the tiny plane Eddie was riding in snagged all the good complimentary cookies for herself, leaving the passengers with crappy digestive biscuits, and threatened to crash the plane if anyone complained.

* Her bit on the Latin language, but especially this: "Quod. The. ''Fuck.''"