Funny / Exalted
- Compass of Celestial Directions: Yu-Shan:
On 7 Ascending Water, 764, Lytek sent the following message directly to Chejop Kejak, with copies delivered to every divisional head in Yu-Shan: “It is my very great pleasure to inform you that the Solar Exalted have returned.”
After storming over to Lytek's offices and finding him guarded by eight celestial lions and two lesser elemental dragons who only allowed him in after an invasive search of his person, he learned that the Solar Exaltations had started reincarnating earlier that year. Lytek smugly informed him that he'd simply wanted the Exaltations polished up before informing anyone. Not to mention the measures taken to make sure nothing like the Usurpation could happen again:
Kejak’s rage upon hearing this report only worsened when he investigated the assignment of Lytek’s new security detail. The powerful guards protecting the Right Hand of Power were each assigned by different deities, ranging from the three Syndics to Ahlat to Wun Ja, the Director of Humanity. Even deities who were not particularly opposed to the Bronze Faction or the Dragon-Blooded still remembered how rudely Lytek was manhandled during the Usurpation, and the blunt show of force served to show that it would not be tolerated again.
- Masters of Jade: There are several, but one of the most popular with the fans: There's a story about a Lunar attempting to keep a Solar free of Guild influence. However, said "influence" was that the Solar was a baker, and the Guild hired her to do the cooking for the Summer of Weddings in Ashur. Thus, the Lunar felt that the best course of action was to eat all 54 cakes herself.note It's the accompanying illustration◊ that really sells it.
- Compass of Terrestrial Directions: The North has a reference to the anti-creatures-of-darkness shell surrounding the city of Whitewall, and what happens if you were to hurl a nemissary-possessed corpse over it from a catapult:
Yes, it's been tried.
- Malfeas's plans for the East in the 2e Infernals manual. Apparently, he wants to see the Greyfalls Dragon-Bloods splattered dead and its waterfalls run red with blood for a year; the same thing for Lookshy without the waterfalls; Ma-Ha-Suchi worries him so he wants to see the Lunar raped to death; Mt Metagalapa hurled at Nexus like the world's largest spear..."One gets the idea."
- The indexes of some Manuals of Exalted Power - Alchemicals mentions Bender Bending Rodriguez (several times), and the index for the Abyssals book has the following little gem:
blood not funny
- The Sidereals book has "Spiders: see everywhere." This is actually accurate, given that nearly every page in said book has images of Pattern Spiders in the margins.
- Abyssals 3E preview: The Chalcedony Bishop's notes are hilarious. They start off dramatic and spine-chilling, evocative of the cruelty and self-hatred this Deathlord has been driven to...and then you get this.
Does he still have, like, seven wangs?
God dammit people, focus! (Yes.)
- The first published Burn Legend playtest, for Shards? A mirror match between two identical Yamajin Richard Nixons.
- Oadenol's Codex, on the table describing the event of Explosive Overclocking a demense, squeezes this gem into the margins of the N/A entry:
Be somewhere else
- The 2e Infernals book, after discussing various game styles - a revenge plot against whomever caused the Infernals' damning failures in the first place, power plays in the hell-on-earth that the Yozi created after a successful Reclamation, a standard Reclamation campaign based on turning all of Creation into said hell-on-earth - throws this suggestion in:
GRAND THEFT YEDDIM
Remember that disclaimer, way up in a previous section? The disclaimer that warned you that the Infernals were brutal, cruel and required a tempered approach in order to not over stimulate or desensitize players? Yeah, forget it.
- The Righteous Devil Style from Scroll of the Monk turns into an outright parody of The Man With No Name and spaghetti westerns in general, with charms that are centered on the quickdraw and a form that allows you to call your opponent out and send bystanders fleeing from the saloon.
- The Scroll of Heroes opens with Panther - a Lawgiver, one of the most powerful humans in Creation - being Chained to a Bed by his Yandere fan.
- Terrestrial Directions: North has a section on slavery in Gethamane and the restrictions on it - for example, slaves are owned by the city, and contracted out with the understanding that public property is not to be damaged. When the Guild brings slaves into the city, however, they own the slaves - so when the guard see Guild slaves being beaten or abused, they arrest the offender for "damaging someone else's property," until they can prove that they actually own the slave. The illustration takes the cake, however: a muscled-up guard, smashing clear through a wall and interrupting what is clearly an S&M session.
- Celestial Directions: Malfeas describes how the inhabitants feel about the title city:
For the Yozis, Malfeas is like being stranded on a lush desert island. They have enough to sustain them and can even find pleasant places and diversions to pass the time. They took the time to build, decorate and rearrange the place a bit to make themselves more comfortable. They’ve even set themselves up as kings and queens of this little private world and have plenty of children and servants to wait on them. But mostly, they’d just like to get off the damned island.
For demons, Malfeas is like their own cubicle at a boring office job. It pays the bills, and they are allowed to decorate their little space as they like as long as it doesn’t anger the boss. Sometimes, they even have office parties where they socialize, mingle, gossip or even hook up for a bit of office intrigue or lust-charged diversions. But honestly? They generally don’t get to pick who their co-workers are, and all things considered, they’d rather be fishing.
Malfeas is a lot like that. Except with upside down rivers of acid, living trees that will eat your brains and other assorted novelties.
- The Compass: Autochthonia book describes the Jarishite sect, who believe that their god is punishing them for not having enough sex.
- Aspect Book - Fire has a section written from Cynis Denovah Avaku's point of view, about how, in the legions, they came across a village where earlier they had fought off the Fair Folk, and he witnessed the collateral damage for the first time. The Sergeant of the mortals under his command told him that they had done a good job, and things would be better for the village by the next year, ultimately teaching him to appreciate the good the Realm does as well as the bad. Later in the book, we hear from said sergeant...◊
- The Aspect Book has a lot of gems. There's reference to a Shogunate sorcerer named Orchid Orchid. During a moment of weakness, Avaku gets slapped silly by an Immaculate (yes, there's an illustration). In the 'Voices Not Our Own' chapter, the Roseblack has this to say about Sesus Rafara, whose current job is to spy on her.
- The Roll of Glorious Divinity opens the Kukla's statblock with this:
Summoning: Are you nuts? You’re nuts, aren’t you?
- Terrestrial Directions: East describes Shining Flower, the goddess formerly in charge of the Dragon Kings' Inca-esque sacrifices to the Unconquered Sun - originally of willing victims, then convicted criminals, then things went further downhill along with the rest of Dragon King society. Her motivation ends on this little note:
(She has not asked the Unconquered Sun
if he actually wants unwilling victims murdered in his name.)