In the Dwarf Commoner origin, you go in disguise as a warrior to participate in the Proving (a tournament), and you fight Lenka, an aspiring Silent Sister (who has, therefore, cut off her tongue). You have the opportunity of taunting opponents right before a fight, and one of the possible responses to Lenka is....
Dwarf Commoner Warden: You take all the fun out of this.
In the City Elf Origin, while you are going around in Vaughn's castle, murdering guards all the way, you can potentially meet two really dumb off-duty guards, who will smugly ask you where you found this sword, apparently oblivious to the fact that you are most likely covered in blood and they are not wearing any armor themselves. One of the possible answers?
City Elf Warden: Well... I... Oh, sod it. [murder knife]
Early in the game, when you arrive in Lothering after Flemeth rescues you from Ostagar.
Morrigan: Ah, so you have finally decided to rejoin us, have you? Falling on your blade in grief seemed like too much trouble, I take it?
Alistair: Is my being upset so hard to understand? Have you never lost someone important to you? Just what would you do if your mother died?
Morrigan: Before or after I stopped laughing?
Alistair: Right. Very creepy. Forget I asked.
Playing as a Dwarf Noble, if you choose to explore the Diamond Quarter, speaking to the magic merchant causes him to faint from the honour of meeting you.
And if you try to talk to him again: "He appears to be unconscious."
Later on you get a quest to find a shield. Some mercenaries are in your path who demand you tell them where the shield is. One of your dialog options is: "The shield's a metaphor. It's in all of us."
"Yes. Swooping is bad."
"You're some sort of...sneaky...witch-thief!"
If you ask Morrigan nicely to take them to her mother:
Morrigan: There is a sensible request. I like you.
Alistair: I'd be careful. First it's "I like you," but then Zap! Frog time.
The falsetto voice he uses for "I like you" really makes the line.
Leliana's comment when you enter the Templar Quarters in the Circle Tower during the Broken Circle quest and walk past a pillar covered with the Blight (which manifests as a pink and bruise-coloured, fleshy, cancerous-looking tumour that grows on stone in areas where there's a lot of darkspawn, and if your PC stands near enough makes these squishy sounds like growing flesh).
Leliana: No...ugh... I'm going to have nightmares after this.
Later when encountering the Sloth Demon, everyone else becomes dizzy, while Shale just stands and says "Frozen again, brilliant."
Leliana's story about Bon-Bon, Lady Cecile's dog. "Bon-Bon flew across the room and over the banister! He survived. But he never came near me after that."
The cut-scene just after you wake Shale up and leave Honneleath, Shale stops for a moment, considers a chicken clucking near it, we cut to the backs of the other party members walking away when the ground shakes. They turn back around to Shale, standing over a huge blood splatter on the ground, gives a small shrug and a look that says "What?"
When you remove her from the party selection: "Pigeon crap." For a golem who's been a statue for the past 30 years, it's pretty appropriate.
Being Oghren's wingman:
The Warden: (Persuade/Lie) We have to go, Oghren. The Queen is waiting for us. Oghren: Gotta go babe, saving the world and all that crap. Felsi: You're not staying for a while? Oghren: (to the Warden) I still got it. (Oghren Approves + 9000)
Felsi's explaining why Oghren and her broke up:
Felsi: Have you met Oghren? He got drunk, drunker then usual even, took off his pants and challenged a roasted nug to a wrestling match at my father's funeral. He lost, by the way. The nug got him in an arm-lock. He sat there crying for half an hour until someone pulled it off him.
Grey Warden: How did he lose to a piece of meat?
Felsi: It was a sodding good roast!
Grey Warden: She hasn't exactly forgiven you for the nug incident.
Oghren: Hey, that fight was rigged! Anyway, the guards said it wasn't worth pressing charges.
Speaking to Oghren several times in a row in the camp will yield drunken conversations. Gems include complimenting the Warden's buns (even funnier when the Warden is male, since Oghren mistakes the Warden for a woman in his drunken haze and becomes hilarious if the male Warden chooses to coyly tease Oghren); an attempt to tell a joke that fails due to drunken laughing; getting angry at Dog for supposedly stealing his pants (if the Warden choses to point out that he still has his pants, Oghren claims that's be the dog's downfall) ...After said conversation Oghren's character will sway on the spot before falling backwards with a loud clatter of his armour and passing out (he gets back up again in a few seconds though).
Grey Warden: Oghren, you're wearing your pants. Oghren: But he doesn't know that! And it will be his sodding downfall!
More Oghren/Dog shenanigans (and a bit of Wynne):
Oghren: And furthermore, I don't think I appreciate the way you looked at me the other night. Wynne: The way I... what? Oghren: Oh, you remember. Those longing eyes, hungry for a bit of a tussle... Wynne: I never looked at you, dwarf. Definitely not in that way. Oghren: Oh, you're right. Must have been the dog.
On the subject of Oghren, here's another funny titbit of him with Sten in the group.
Sten: Dwarf. Oghren: What? Sten: Stop tripping me. Oghren: Stop tripping yourself! Sten: If you were significant enough to notice, I wouldn't step on you. Oghren: Oh, well... your mother! Sten: ... That was disappointing. I expected better from you. Oghren: Sorry, I was in a rush.
Really, any time anyone tries to goad Sten is hilarious.
Oghren: Lost your weapon, did you? Sten: What of it? Oghren: Swinging an empty scabbard, then? Sten: ... Oghren: Your pike was purloined? Sten: "Purloined?" Did you have to look that one up? Oghren: The elf gave me that one. You have to admit, it's good. Sten: (Sigh)
Just about everything Oghren says, actually, especially when you can play along ("Where can I get some sauce for that rump roast?"/"Right here, you mad dwarven stallion"). Particularly memorable are his conversations with Wynne and Alistair about polishingweapons. Wait, what are YOU talking about?
By the way, Oghren's response to "Right here, you mad dwarven stallion"? Is this:
Oghren: Go and make yourself ready, woman. I'll be right there to see to it... [Wobbles, falls down, loses consciousness.]
The entire chain of conversation between Alistair and Sten, discussing how Sten occupied himself while imprisoned in the cage in Lothering:
Sten: On good days, I posed riddles to passers-by, offering them treasures in exchange for correct answers. Alistair: Really? Sten: No.
Alistair: So, you never did tell me how you passed your time in that cage. Sten: I did not. Alistair: So... how did you? Sten: A training exercise. I would think of a word in your language, and then try and spot all the things that began with the same letter as that word. Alistair: You're joking again, aren't you. Sten: No. Alistair: You played I-Spy against yourself for twenty days? Sten: (with the air of one imparting important information) There are a lot of things in Lothering that begin with the letter 'G'.
Alistair: Sten? I spy with my little eye something that begins with 'G'.
Sten: (sigh) Is it a Grey Warden? Is it, in fact, you?
Alistair: Ooh, you're good at this.
Sten consoles a widow.
"The man you love has died. It seems you could have chosen better."
Oghren also deserves a mention here.
"Er, hm. Oh! Good news, lady: you're single."
As for Morrigan:
"Your man is dead. Get over it."
A large number of the cutscenes between your party members fall in this category as well.
Any and every romance advice the current Love Interest gets from other companions. Alistair gets several from Wynne, some suggestions regarding technique from Zevran, an innuendo-laden speech from Oghren and a few quips from Morrigan. Zevran gets a warning from Shale that sex might lead to reproduction and a dialogue with Oghren (both are particularly funny if the Warden is in fact male). Leliana and Morrigan both get dialogues with Alistair and the two good-aligned characters gossip together about the Warden's relationship with Morrigan.
Wynne: (to a highly flustered Alistair) I know the Chantry says you dream about your babies and the good Fade spirits take them out of the Fade and leave them in your arms...but that's not true. Actually what happens is that when a girl and a boy really love each other— Alistair: Andraste's flaming sword! I know where babies come from! Wynne: Do you? Do you really? Alistair: I certainly hope so.
Equally funny is the talk Morrigan and Alistair have if you happen to be leaning towards the former.
Morrigan: Those blushing cheeks tell a different tale. Alistair: If my cheeks are blushing it's because I'm afraid you're going to suck the blood from them after you finish with him! Morrigan: If I have the inclination to suck anything of yours, Alistair, believe me, you will be the first to know.
When traveling with Zevran and Wynne, Zevran keeps trying to get into Wynne's blouse - he seems to have a big obsession with her breasts.
Wynne: Have you changed your mind yet? Are you willing to speak seriously? Zevran: Of your bosom? As you wish. Wynne: (exasperated) No, I do not wish to speak of my bosom. Zevran: But it is a marvellous bosom! I have seen women half your age who have not held up half so well. Perhaps it is a magical bosom? Wynne: Stop... talking about my bosom. Zevran: But I thought you wished to speak seriously?
Also from Alistair and Wynne is their conversation about Alistair's injury, highlighting how much of a kid he is.
And then there's this.
Alistair: Wynne? Wynne: Yes, Alistair? Alistair: My shirt has a hole in it. Wynne: I see. And? Alistair: Can you mend it? When we get back to camp? Wynne: Can't you mend your own clothes? Why do I have to do it? Alistair: Sometimes I pick up too much fabric and it ends up all puckered and the entire garment hangs wrong afterward. And you're... you know, grandmotherly. Grandmothers do that sort of thing, don't they? Darning socks and whatnot. You don't want me to have to fight darkspawn in a shirt with a hole, do you? It might get bigger. I might catch cold. Wynne: Oh, all right. I'll mend your shirt the next time we set up camp. Alistair: Ooh! And while you're at it, the elbows kind of need patching too... Wynne: Careful, young man, or puckered garments may be the least of your problems.
This little wonderful convo between Alistair and Leliana.
Alistair: So... this thing you and him have going? Doesn't that violate your vows? Leliana: What? What kind of question is that to just blurt out? What do we "have going"? Alistair: Yes, I'm that blind. I so totally did not see you ogling each other before. Leliana: He was not ogling me. ...Was he? Was he really ogling me? Alistair: Now that you say it, I'm not sure. Maybe he wasn't ogling you. I don't know... I could always ask him... Leliana: You can't do that! Could you? You couldn't do that... Alistair: I could. But I won't. Next thing you'll have me pulling his hair and passing him love letters. Leliana: I...just mind your own business. How inappropriate!
Although it requires you to play dumb, the final romance dialogue with Leliana provides a gem where Leliana tells you she's turning in early, adding "I can't help thinking how soft and warm my bedroll is." If the player suggests he/she is going to stay up and write in their journal, she suggests bringing it to her tent, where she can help you write an entry.
Leliana: Dear Journal, Leliana has shown much affection for me. Even asked me to come to bed with her. But alas, subtlety is lost on me. Warden: Wait, what? Leliana: Oh, now he gets it.
This one is better in this troper's opinion
Leliana: But now it's getting late. I think I might... turn in early. I can't help thinking about how soft and warm my bedroll is. Warden: You don't want to talk to me anymore? Leliana: Of course I do. You know I enjoy your company. But... it's getting a little chilly, and I prefer to be in my bedroll. Warden: Well, I shan't keep you. Leliana: You know, it'd be nice if you came with me. Warden: What for? Leliana: So I can show you my collection of pressed flowers... obviously. Warden: I didn't know you collected pressed flowers. Leliana: I... don't. Stop pretending you don't know what I want! Warden:I have no idea what's going on. Leliana: Ah, the games you play. Listen, I want to spend the night with you. There. I said it.
Sten's description of Qunari sex to Morrigan. A few choice lines prove that Sten is the funniest character in the story:
Sten: You will need armor, and a helmet, and something to bite down on. How strong are human teeth? ... Sten: That reminds me. I may try to nuzzle. If that happens, you'll need an iron prybar. Heat it in a forge first or it may not get my attention.
Oghren and Zevran trying to bluff their way into Fort Draken to save you and Alistair.
Zevran: We are the famous Brohma Brothers! Can't you see the resemblance? Oghren: I'm the pretty one.
Captain: Alright, what's this about? Oghren: My partner and I are performers. The Regent hired us, said morale was low. Captain: You're performers, are you? What's your act? Oghren: Our act? Well, uh, the elf here juggles swords while I, uh... Zevran: He does a traditional Dwarven Dance of Death. Lights his pants on fire and everything. It's quite the spectacle. Captain: You can perform in the main hall on the condition that the dwarf keeps his pants on. That's non-negotiable.
Or when Sten's there instead of Zevran
Oghren: My partner and I are, ah, performers... Captain: You're performers, are you? What's your act? Oghren: Our act? Oh... well, the big guy here sings and dances while I, er... juggle swords... Sten: On fire.
Also, whith that duo, when the guard has gone searching for his captain:
Oghren: That captain better get here soon; these clown pants are riding up like nobody's business! Sten: ... That was far more information than I needed.
Most of the dialogue in this little side quest is pretty hilarious. One is when Sten opens up the door to a cage to rescue you.
Sten: (deadpan) The irony of this moment is not lost on me.
The same sequence if you break out disguised as a guard as well.
Taking Morrigan with Dog.
Captain: You're a dog trainer? Morrigan: You doubt me? Captain: To put it mildly. Whatever you are, you're not a hound master. Morrigan: ...'Tis time for rampant slaughter, then.
Taking Morrigan and Wynne is absolutely priceless: if there's something you don't really want, it's the pious Sisters of the Chantry praying for your soul and your physical well-being, listing in vivid visual details the diseases they are trying to spare you from.
Wynne and Leliana is pretty good for Wynne praying for the forgiveness of the guards while listing off numerous ways to call them idiots.
Sten and Dog has some great lines from Sten.
I am a giant with a wardog. I am either making a delivery, or besieging your fort. Hope for the former.
Then, when waiting for the captain:
This is pointless. We should go in fighting. (beat) ...And now I am talking to an animal. I've been in this country too long.
And then, if you let Sten continue the bluff and he's called on it, he's just not trying anymore:
The Warden: You're surrounded by darkspawn corpses, what happened here? Sandal:Enchantment!
In Orzammar, if you side with Harrowmont, once he's been crowned, the crier says "News of the hour: Prince Bhelen attacks assembly and is ignominiously slain.Epic Fail!" It caught this troper off-guard and had me cracking up.
And if you walk by a little later, "News of the hour: Lord Harrowmont victorious, Prince Bhelen pathetic and dead. A good day for Orzammar!"
Bonus funny for those who pay close attention: that's Fenris doing the voices.
If you walk by enough times before resolving the succession matter, the criers run out of things to say.
Bhelen is a... bad, bad man. Yes, very bad!
Harrowmont is, errrr, a weak man! And he will be a weak king! Yes!
During the epilogue after listening to Sten's parting words talking to him again will prompt him to mutter: "Where is the cake? I was told there would be cake. The cake is a lie!" Coming from the most serious character in the game made this all the more funny.
Fergus Cousland praying to the Maker to "send us some ale and wenches while you're at it!" in front of his wife, his parents, and his young son Oren. Fergus's father Bryce then compounds the comedy by explaining to Oren what a wench is, to his wife's exasperation.
Made even funnier by Teyrn Cousland's ingenuity in actually finding a PG-rated definition for the word "wench":
Oren Cousland: What's a wench? Is that what you pull on to get the bucket out of the well?
Bryce Cousland: A wench is a woman who pours the ale in a tavern, Oren. Or, uh, a woman who drinks a lot of ale...
Innuendoing in front of Oren, in general.
Fergus: When you have a woman in your life, you'll understand.
Male Cousland: No fewer than three, if you please.
Fergus: Bold words, little brother! I mean a real woman, not a turn in the straw.
Oren: Do you like to play in the stables too, uncle? I like to hide in the hay.
Quite a number of the idle chatter party members partake in fall under this.
Leliana: I saw what you were doing back there. Sten: Oh? Leliana: Don't play innocent with me. Sten: What are you talking about? Leliana: You. Playing with that kitten. Sten: ...There was no kitten. Leliana: Sten, I saw you. You were dangling a piece of twine for it. Sten: I was helping it train. Leliana: You're a big softie! Sten: We will never speak of this again. Leliana: (sing-song) Softie!
And then there's my personal favorite:
Leliana: You are very beautiful, Morrigan. Morrigan: Tell me something I do not know. Leliana: But you always dress in such rags. It suits you, I suppose. A little tear here, a little rip there to show some skin. I understand. Morrigan: You understand I lived in a forest, I hope? Leliana: Maybe we could get you in a nice dress one day. Silk. No, maybe velvet. Velvet is heavier, better to guard against the cold in Ferelden. Dark red velvet, yes. With gold embroidery. It should be cut low in the front of course, we don't want to hide your features. Morrigan:Stop looking at my breasts like that. 'Tis most disturbing! Leliana: You don't think so? And if it's cut low in the front we must put your hair up to show off that lovely neck. Morrigan: You are insane. I would sooner let Alistair dress me. Leliana: It'll be fun, I promise! We'll get some shoes too! Ah, shoes! We could go shopping together!
Zevran: Has anyone told you what marvellous eyes you possess, my dear? Morrigan: Again with the flattery? Do you not tire from these pointless exercises? Zevran: In Antiva, women are accustomed to being showered with the praise they deserve. Men should worship you at your feet as you pass. Morrigan: They don't find that incredibly annoying? Zevran: They are goddesses receiving their subjects, just as you should be. Whatever would be annoying about that? Morrigan: I have no wish to be placed upon a pedestal. Zevran: But you deserve no less. You should be admired by painters, copied by sculptors, exalted by poets! Surely you know that yours is a beauty so exotic it-it would turn the eye of the Maker Himself! Morrigan: (thawing) Well, I suppose I... Leliana: You are a master indeed, Zevran. You win the bet fair and square. Zevran: Much obliged, madame. Morrigan: (through gritted teeth) I hate you all.
Alternatively, if Alistair is there:
Alistair: By the Maker! You were right! You win. Zevran: I think you owe me five silvers, yes? Morrigan: I hate you all.
Or with Oghren:
Oghren: Hmph. Fine. So I owe you a flagon. Bastard. Zevran: Much obliged, ser. Morrigan: I hate you all.
Another idle conversation reveals Oghren's ability to "smell purity a mile away". Alistair is not amused. Oghren would prefer the ability to smell cheese.
Oghren talking to Alistair about being with the PC:
Oghren: So. With the boss, aye? Alistair: Pardon? Oghren: You and the boss. Rolling your oats. Alistair: I don't know — Oghren: Polishing the footstones. Alistair: What you're — Oghren: Tapping the midnight still, if you will. Alistair: What are you going on about? Oghren: Forging the moaning statue. Bucking the forbidden horse. Donning the velvet hat. Alistair: Are you just making these up right now? Oghren: Nope. Been saving 'em.
When Shale and Alistair talk about pain, especially when they compare screams.
From the same pair.
Alistair: So, Shale... when you were standing there all that time? Did you... sleep? Shale: I have no need to sleep. My body does not tire or do — ugh — other flesh-related functions. Alistair: But don't you get bored? Wouldn't you want to dream, at least? Shale: I do not dream. This is what it does when it sleeps? It paws its nose and mumbles incoherently. Alistair: Yes, of course. I thought we all — huh... you watch me? Shale: I watch all closely when they are still at night. There is little else to do. Alistair: For... hours and hours? Shale: I count the breaths. It helps to overcome the overwhelming urge to crush their faces while they sleep. Alistair: Well. I won't be doing much of that anymore.
There's also Shale's conversations with almost every NPC about birds.
During Ostagar, Alistair says, "Just so you know, if the king ever asks me to put on a dress and dance the Remigold, I'm drawing the line. Darkspawn or no." You can say you'd like to see that. "For you, maybe. But it'd have to be a pretty dress." Duncan is not amused.
Duncan's put-upon sigh makes this exchange gold.
Alternately, you can say it would make for a great distraction, at which point he'll say "What, me shimmying down the line? Yeah, we can kill the darkspawn while they're all falling over laughing."
"Yes, but she's more like 'Ooh! Pretty colors!' than 'Muahahaha! I am princess stabbity, stab, kill, kill!'"
Even better you can respond with 'Don't make me stab-kill you. She's not coming!'
"Watch as I thrash our enemies with the mighty power of floral arrangements! Feel my thorns, darkspawn! I will overpower you with my rosy scent!"
Wynne's Grey Warden story if the Warden shows a particular love for griffons.
Wynne: I remember a tale that was told to me, many years ago... Warden: Does the story have griffons in it? Wynne: Maker's mercy. It's like talking to a child.
It's somewhat bittersweet if you're playing as a Cousland. Your totally irreversibly dead nephew had to get the griffon obsession from somewhere, didn't he?
That just broke my heart. I never thought of that.
It goes to back to funny and heartwarming when you respond with "But you're old enough to be my grandmother.". Wynne pauses for a slight beat... and continues the story right where she left it.
Alternately, the Warden can annoy her by constantly griping about the questionable tactical choices and the lack of realistic casualties.
Most, if not all, of the conversations between Dog and the other party members in camp. Special mention goes to a certain one with Alistair:
Alistair: You know, I once heard a really old legend about how the Hound Warriors would feed their Mabari the flesh of the vanquished. Dog: (heaving sounds) Alistair: Oh, like you can tell the difference. Who knows, maybe you've already been fed something, or someone? Dog: (whimper) The Warden: I would never feed you another person. Alistair: Its not cannibalism if he eats it, you know. Dog: (growls at Alistair)
And then there's Sten's "conversation" with Dog;
Sten: Grrrrr. Dog: (growls) Sten: RRRRRAH! Dog: (vicious barking) Sten: You are a true warrior, and worthy of respect. Dog: (Happy bark!)
What's even more hilarious is that when you enter the 'conversation' (for lack of a better term) your only dialogue options are "What's going on here?", (watch silently), and (back away slowly).
There's a particular conversation with Wynne you have that is rather heartwarming. The old girl finishes the talk with this:
" When I die should I find out you haven't kept your promise (save Thedas), I will rise up and give you a very big finger-wagging."
If you bring him along on the quest to retrieve the acorn from the crazy old hermit, Zevran offers to search the tree trunk,
Zevran: No offense, but might I give it a try? I do have quick hands, after all.
Warden: Go ahead. Show off.
Zevran: (whilst searching) Let's see... when was the last time I slipped my hand into some dark hole? Hmm, I remember. Long story, that...
The arguments between the old Sister who really wants to have lunch and the younger Mother in front of the Chantry in Denerim's Market District.
"The Maker does not bread sinners!"
"Can't talk now, dear. It's almost mealtime."
"What, no mention of dessert? Surely this is a miracle."
Everything involving Sergeant Kylon. It starts with him be-moaning the fact that Lord such-and-such keep sending him their illegitimate, ill-trained moronic whelps to train as guardsmen, leaving him to defend the marketplace from stabbings, pickpockets and everything in between with "a legion of bastards" in tow. (The guard examining his nails in the background just sells it.) And he mentions how the problem is compounded by Arl Howe's "specially handpicked men", who are worse than some of the criminals they arrest.
"Some of them are the criminals we arrest. With the bastards, I just have to worry about dicing, the odd bit of drool or yelling at them too loudly and hurting their poor feelings."
And then he really emphasizes on how non-lethally he wants you to deal with the problems in the Pearl.
"Let me make that really clear: Not on fire, or exploded, or Maker knows whatever type of grisly death you can dream up. ...Sorry, used to giving orders to my boys."
The Crimson Oars quest is pretty funny. Those mercenaries are just so delightfully over the top, I couldn't bring myself to slaughter them and resolved the quest peacefully.
"OARS! We go to the docks! LET'S FIND US SOME WENCHES!"
Speaking of delightfully over the top, the large ham level voice acting from the Chasind Doomsayer in Lothering. Morbid yet hilarious:
"Stop you're scaring the children!"
"BETTER TO SLIT THEIR THROATS NOW!"
And then the hilariously Shatneresque voice acting of the wounded scout in the Korcari Wilds:
"Who..is...it? Grey Wardens?"
The Beggars at the Alienage; first there's one "veteran", then there are three "veterans" and one very suspicious orphan.
Starved Veteran:You were so generous to me before and these are... other veterans—
Orphan Ollie: I'm an orphan!
Starved Veteran: Oh, and — er — an orphan.
Orphan Ollie: My mother is especially dead.
Then there's a whole crowd of...
Starved Veteran: Many — er — veterans, orphans, the diseased, and sad tales of all sorts.
Orphan Ollie: I still don't have my parents.
Starved Veteran: And poor Ollie still doesn't have his parents.
And eventually you can question them about...
Warden: Even that fellow with the fine outfit?
"Beggar": I, uh, found it?
Orphan Ollie: You aren't a real beggar.
Especially hilarious is if you hold the Tab button around them. That last NPC is actually a "Beggar", complete with quotation marks.
While playing and getting a game over, normally a bad thing, something extremely entertaining happened. Alistair was the last party member down, and... well:
If you return to Wade's Emporium for a second set of Dragonskin Armour, the clerk Herren growls through clenched teeth, "Rotten bastard!"
The introduction to the Tower quest line. After a Templar asks if he can get it on with Morrigan in exchange for getting you to the tower, she reacts with glee at the opportunity to seriously injure him. After deciding to take you to the tower after all, he says this to you, extremely fast.
If you don't have Morrigan or a high Persuasion or Intimidate, the Templar guard at the Circle Tower refuses to budge an inch to let you across OOOH COOKIES
Sten: I am content to part with them if it saves us from this fool. Warden: Where'd you get those? Sten: There was a child, a fat, slovenly thing, in the last village we passed. I relieved him of these confections. He didn't need more. Warden: You stole cookies from a child? Sten: For his own good.
Of course, a conversation with Sten can reveal his sweet tooth, as he doesn't like much about Ferelden...but there are so many foods the Qunari lands don't have, and so don't have a word for — like...
Sten: Little baked things, like bread, but sweet and crumbly. The Warden: Cookies? Sten: Yes! We have no such things in our lands. This should be remedied. The Warden: I'll keep that in mind. Sten approves +7
In all, it's surprising and disappointing that the found cake is generic, not a gift for Sten.
Morrigan's "nightmare" in the Fade, where she is more annoyed than anything else by the false vision of Flemeth, which she knows is fake and is insulted by the mediocre and obvious attempt to trap her mind...up until "Flemeth" slaps her.
Morrigan: Ah. Now that's more like it.
Even better when you arrive, and she asks you her help to get rid of her:
Fake Flemeth: She doesn't recognizes her own mother! My heart is bleeding!
Morrigan (obviously exasperated): Please, help me get rid of her! I can't believe I am saying this, but she is even more annoying than the real Flemeth!
When Alistair is talking about meeting King Cailan when he was younger:
I said to him, "Greetings, Your Highness," and he said "OOH, SWORDS!" and ran off to the armory. We drifted apart after that. Very sad.
You also have the option of telling Dog, "Put that back where you found it!" Comedy gold.
(Paraphrased)"If he comes with us he'll have to fight darkspawn. Yes, he's too young, that's my point."
One of Alistair's "enemies nearby" lines is "Yep. Beasties. Beasties are comin'."
Another from Alistair is "Don't look now but...well, look now!"
When confronting a pack of wolves: "Prepare to have your ankles gnawed on!"
When he's near death: "New tactic...Bite ankles."
If badly injured but not knocked out: "That's...a lot of blood."
Close to the beginning, after Flemeth tells Morrigan that she's going with you and Alistair.
Morrigan: The soup is bubbling, Mother dear. Shall we have two guests for the evening, or none?
Flemeth: The Grey Wardens are leaving shortly, dear. And you shall be going with them.
Morrigan:Such a shame... what?!
After Leliana recovers from being knocked unconscious:
Heh! Look, the bruises form a pretty pattern!
When attempting to gain entrance to a secret gathering of Warden supporters (which is actually an ambush) , saying the correct password of "the griffons will rise again" is so hard when the alternative is so funny:
Loghain: Hmm. Well thank you kindly for informing me.
In the endgame, another hilarious Zevran quote (if you decide to leave him behind when you go after the Archdemon) really lightens up the mood set by other companions' words, which mostly feel like heartfelt goodbyes:
Unscripted moment of hilarity: park a female Warden in front of Alistair in camp between him and the fire, face him, and wait for him to hold out his hands to warm them. Especially hilarious if you're an elf or dwarf.
In the Landsmeet, you can choose anyone in your current party to be your champion. Except Dog:
Arl Eamon: Ah... Warden, no. I'm afraid we can't leave the fate of all Ferelden up to your dog. Anyone with a leftover ham bone could buy his allegiance. Choose someone else.
Wynne isn't terribly enthused about your romances with any companions...but her personal problems with you and Zevran is the funniest. Largely because "half the camp hasn't been getting any sleep" since you began your torrid little tryst. Cue mental image of Wynne with her pillow stuffed over her head, mentally going through her book of spells to figure out the best way to get back at you in the morning.
This happens even if you haven't slept with Zevran. Man, does that Wynne have an active imagination.
The Pearl just happens to be Oghren's kind of place. If the female PC is in a relationship with Leliana and decides to persuade Isabella to "get to know one another", depending on choices made Leliana may disapprove... or invite herself along. You also get + 4 approval from Oghren.
You can go Up to Eleven and have Zevran come along for a foursome.
This video of "upcoming features". Fear the Duncan horde!
In Redcliffe's tavern, you can chat with a barmaid called Bella. She's sick of her boss, of the tavern patrons, and certain she's going to die soon. If you save the village, you can give her money for her to get out of town and find a better life...and/or or you can ask for a kiss as a reward. She leans in, grabs the Warden's cheeks and kisses him. Cut to the tavern customers staring in disbelief.
After saving the Arl of Redcliffe, if you chose the course of action that leaves everyone alive, Alistair will thank you once you get back to camp. Once the conversation is over, Alistair says this absolute gem:
Alistair: Anyway, now that the warm, fuzzy part of the day is over, we can get back to the ritual dismemberments... Oh wait, it's not Tuesday, is it?
Before entering the temple that houses the Urn of Sacred Ashes, the Warden can ask Brother Genitivi about the dangers that lie ahead. Genitivi says that it is written the Maker himself watches the place, which he admits may indeed be the case. However, it's more likely to be "a simple truth wrapped in hyperbole and metaphor."
Genitivi: After all, no one wants to hear 'Willy toiled for many a year to perfect the curious mechanisms that would send a sharpened spike up the arse of the unwary intruder.' The Warden:Oh, that sounds pleasant.
When you reach the Ashes themselves, if you have Sten in your party he'll say "Congratulations. You found a waste bin." It's even funnier if your other two party members are Alistair, Wynne or Lelianna who will be in awe at the fact that they are in the presence of the remains of The Messiah, only for Sten to follow up with that comment.
Zevran's reaction is just as good, particularly if you have some combination of Alistair, Wynne, and Leliana along. When you get to the Urn, your other companions are suitably awed...but Zevran...
Especially fitting when you give him the Beard Flask.
When playing as a female human mage: of the four women in the party, Leliana likes shoes, Wynne likes romance novels, Morrigan likes jewelery, and the Warden likes...burning things.
You missed one.
Shale: Now, let us crush something soft and watch it fountain blood. That is a girlish thing to want to do, yes?
If you are a female romancing Alistair, Morrigan will make some pointed remarks about your mushiness and how much of an idiot he is. Most of your replies ("I happen to love him", etc.) meet with disapproval... but if you tell her he's good in bed, she perks up right away, and grants you approval points. This is even funnier if you talk to Leliana afterwards, who immediately begins pumping you for details about his bedroom performance.
A highly amusing conversation between Shale and Wynne:
Wynne: Shale, why do you insist on calling me "the elder mage?"
Shale: Clearly because it is purple. And a hyena.
Though it's quickly overshadowed by the tragic events afterward, a female noble can have a rather amusing exchange with her adorable nephew in the origin story:
Oren: Mama says you're going to be watching over us while papa is gone. Is that true, Auntie?
Warden: I wish you wouldn't call me that.
Oren: But you are my auntie! What else am I going to call you, silly?
Oriana: Your aunt no doubt thinks it makes her sound too old, Oren.
Oren: But she is old! But not as old as you, mama.
Oriana: This is your influence, Fergus.
Anora commenting on her new husband's sense of humor after the final battle:
Anora: Is he always like that?
Warden: I'm afraid so.
Anora: Oh. Joy.
The lead-up to Morrigan and the Warden's first kiss.
Morrigan: 'Tis a funny way of talking, you have, moving so close to me like that.
Warden: Humor me.
Morrigan: So this is funny, then?
Warden: Only if we do it wrong.
Oghren's reaction to being trapped in the Fade in the Blackmarsh.
Oghren: What happens to my body while i'm here? Someone could outrage my modesty!
Sten's special gift from the Feastday pack is a scroll of "Qunari prayers for the dead", which, when used, plays a short cutscene of Sten reading the scroll, whereafter any KO'ed party members you have are resurrected. Using it stops the battle, but not whatever status effects are on Sten, so it's entirely possible for him to stand still as a statue, calmly reading from a scroll, while on fire.
Speaking of fire, Morrigan delivers this line if the Warden speaks to her in Arl Eamon's estate in Denerim:
Morrigan: If one more servant asks if I would like a change of clothes, I will set the house on fire.
Also speaking of your party in Arl Eamon's state in Denerim, Zevran greatly appreciates the accommodations:
Zevran: You know, I could get used to this. The last time I came to Denerim, I stayed at an inn so filthy the bedbugs had fleas.
Some of the names and nicknames on the Statement of Defiance at Soliders' Peak are pretty amusing. "Chair-Thrower Lopez", "Allan the Quibbler", "Dustin the Colour-Blind", "Ebenger of the Bovine Brethren", "Jason sans les Argonauts", "Om the Stretched", "Weak Eye Santos"...
While at Ostagar, the Warden can convince an elven messenger that s/he is the one that a "Ser Garlen's" sword is to be delivered to. The sword's description is as follows:
Somewhere on the field there is a bewildered knight fighting with his dinner fork. Pity him.
Shale and Wynne have this hilarious exchange:
Shale: I have a question for it, elder mage.
Wynne: Must I always be the "elder mage"?
Shale: Would it prefer "mage well past her prime, don't mind the sagging bits"?
Wynne: You have a curious way of asking for answers to your questions.
During the Grand Finale, if you choose to leave Shale behind at the gates while you go to fight the archdemon, she drops this absolute gem as her farewell to you.
Shale: And... do try not to get swallowed whole. If the beast were to fly about afterwards and poop it out, irony would dictate that it land on me. I couldn't take it.
Some of the item descriptions are fairly amusing, like the Conspirator's Foil, a leather cap lined with lyrium ore that gives the wearer a bonus to mental resistance and "instills a general wariness that may be confused with paranoia by the untrustworthy." (In other words, it's Thedas's answer to the Conspiracy Theorist's tinfoil hat.)
During the "Trial of Crows" questline, after you return after taking out your first target, there's a bit of amusing banter between The Warden and Master Ignacio if choose to play dumb about indulging in his Spy Speak:
Master Ignacio: Find everything you need?
Warden: Same deal with the other scrolls?
Master Ignacio: Deal? Uh, I don't know what you mean. But if anything "interesting" happens, feel free to come back. And consider that chest yours.
Warden: So if I kill them, the payment will be in the chest?
Master Ignacio: I never said that. I'm just curious about various people in your kingdom. And sometimes I "misplace" large patches of coin. I'm quite careless that way.
Warden: You do mean what I think you mean...?
Master Ignacio: All right, yes! You kill them, look in the bleeding chest! Happy? Everything clear?! Now if you don't mind...
Much like Alistair, Shale begins to realize that everyone you go to for help has problems that you need to solve.
Redcliffe Civilian: We're under attack. We've been fighting for our lives! Shale: (tiredly) Is anyone surprised? Anyone?
At Ostagar you come across a prisoner in a cage who asks for a bit of food before he's executed and offers to trade a key to you that he has to the mage's chest. You can get him the food or you can kill him and take the key. If Alistair is already in your party you get a completely deadpan:
A female warden can do the reverse, sleeping with the guy. Also, it is possible to sleep with one of them and have them end up with each other, and it is never mentioned again. Just imagine the conversation they'll have eventually.
While romancing Leliana, when she talks about turning in early, you can say that you'll stay up to write in your journal. Her response...
Leliana: "Dear Journal. Leliana has shown much affection for me. Even asked me to come to bed with her, but alas, subtlety is lost on me."
Upon discovering the blood-soaked altar in Haven, most party members will respond with unease or remark on how screwed-up the village is. Except for Dog, who licks it.
The Warden: Tasty.
After talking to the guard at the entrance of Haven, Zevran will make this remark.
Zevran: Ah, quiet insular communities. There's always something nasty going on behind closed doors. I hope it involves chains. I hope they ask me to join in.
A city elf warden gets in a pretty good jab at Arl Howe after meeting him along with Loghain when Eamon calls the Landsmeet:
How Sten is utterly perplexed to the Warden being female, to the point where he believes she was lying about being a woman, since he cannot deny the fact they are a warrior.
Particularly amusing if the player is a Female Dwarf, since this means that one of the legendary warriors that even the Qunari are in awe of, is not only a woman but also half his size.
Alistair discovering how Leliana and a romanced female Warden have been casually discussing his prowess in bed;
Alistair: Maker! What is wrong with you women?!
In Redcliffe, when you need to get the little boy out of the cupboard, bring Wynne. The stern old woman gets him out almost instantly, by simply telling him to in a grandmotherly voice.
The quest where you enter the Fade to rescue Connor from a Desire demon allows you to send in a party member, who all have unique dialogue for attempting different options. Morrigan has the most hilarious dialogue when you have her attempt to talk kindly to Connor.
If you send Jowan, he can ask the Arl Eamon in the Fade if he remembers him.
Arl Eamon: You! Traitor!
Jowan: I guess you do.
There's an awful lot of inadvertent Hypocritical Humor available if you've been making heavy use of blood magic. You may pick every dialogue choice condemning blood magic you can find, and no one ever calls you on it.
When you play a City Elf and bring your love interest along when you reunite with Shianni, expect some funny reactions when she mentions your wedding:
Shianni: Cousin, you have no idea... The things that happened after your wedding... I'm babbling, aren't I? I'm so happy to see you!
Warden: Imagine a storybook wedding. This was the opposite.
Shianni's reaction when you tell her Arl Howe is dead. She just sounds so gleeful.
Warden: Howe is dead. Denerim goes through Arls pretty quick lately.
Shianni: All these gifts and it's not even my naming day!
Jowan spends most of his screen time stressed out and fretful, but even he has a snarky moment in the Circle basement after encountering the prophesying statue.
Jowan: Ambiguous rubbish. It could mean anything. I can do it too: 'The sun grows dark, but lo, here comes the dawn!'
If the Warden is contemplating annihilating the Circle, Zevran may ask why they were willing to spare him but aren't showing the same mercy to the mages.
The Warden: Magic and knives are different.
Zevran: Magic can kill. Knives can kill. Even small children launched at great speed could kill.
When Felix de Grosbois mentions his mule's gone missing, a Genre Savvy Warden can ask if he wants them to get it back. If they're an elf:
Felix: Oh! No, no, I sent the elf to do that. I mean I sent my helper. Tarren. Nice fellow, that... Tarren.
After completing combat with full health:
Morrigan: I approve!
In the "Crime Wave" series of quests in Denerim, you can steal the sword of a haughty knight by the name of Ser Nancine, who has come down with a cold. You can simply pickpocket her, but you could also pretend you're a herbalist, talk her into removing her armor ("You can never be too careful."), stealing her sword in the process, and then sell the woman fake medicine for two sovereigns. Afterwards, she will be standing in the middle of the store in nothing more than her underwear, still having a cold.
Ser Nancine:(In her underwear) You don't look like much of an herbalist. *Sniffle*
Help Bhelen get crowned as Orzammar's king and he'll ask, after already pledging his troops to the cause and giving you his brother's Trian's maul as reward, if there's anything else he can do for them. The Warden can answer that they want their face on "one of those big statues". Bhelen... well, he will see what he can do.
Perhaps a rather random gameplay moment, but there's something hilarious about dueling Loghain with a Ranger and just standing in a corner, watching him get jumped on and mauled to death by the Great Bear you summoned.
If you give Leliana a pet nug, she names it Schmooples... much to the annoyance of Oghren.
Oghren: Schmooples? You named a nug Schmooples? The last thing we need around here is a walking snack named Schmooples!
It will even be with her in the post-coronation scene after the defeat of the Archdemon. Imagine it: a room full of nobles and other people of importance, and one pink bunny-pig.
Your banter with Leske is a good source of comedy in the Dwarven Commoner Origin. It goes from him making up a poem about where the nobles can stick it, a poem you can finish—poorly, to him daring you to talk to Duncan before the proving. It helps that he's voiced by, well, Varric, who also has a knack for snarking.
Leske: Stone's embrace! That's one of 'em. One of the Grey Wardens! I dare you to go over and talk to him. Say: "Welcome to Orzammar, Warden ser. May I drink your bath water?"
Shale & Zevran:
Shale: So here is a question for the painted elf... Zevran: Painted elf? Oh, that's me! I do like that. Shale: Am I to understand correctly that the painted elf is a "crow"? Zevran: Not literally, but... yes. I am a Crow. Shale: As in a bird. Zevran: Is there another sort? Shale: So the painted elf assaults helpless statuary with its feces? Zevran: If given sufficient cause, why not? Shale: That is outrageous! The painted elf will stay away from me. Or else. Zevran: (Sighs) I get a lot of that.
When you're trying to get Carroll the templar to take you across the lake to the Circle Tower and you ask him if maybe you can work something out, with Morrigan in the party. Why is this lady considered a Scrappy again?
You come across a little girl and a cat in Honnleath. The cat can speak English, and its eyes glow purple whenever it talks. Something is not right here, and you have the option of pointing out that this probably isn't an actual cat.
Amalia: Of course she's a cat! She just talks, that's all. Kitty: Talking is simple enough, once you know how. Warden: Right, what are you really? Kitty:I am a cat. Really.
Play as a Dwarf Commoner. When you go back to Orzammar, do what your sister Rica asks and side with her lover, Prince Bhelen. This gets you access to the palace where Rica now lives. Unfortunately, your horrible lush of a mother lives there too. Go and visit her with a particular person in your party, and you can have the following conversation...
Mother: Well, look at you all fancied up. Did the prince decide he likes boys, or did you find some other way to bring in coin? Warden: Now I remember why I left. Mother: Right, Rica told me. Running off to the surface, just like your father. Never thought to share a little of that fortune with your mother? Warden: You're living in a palace! Mother: I've seen how they look at me. Think I'm gutter trash. Not one of them would let me step foot here if it wasn't for Rica! Precious Rica, and her precious little brat! If he chokes on that gold rattle, we'd both be out on the street! Warden: Rica's happy. Don't youdareruin that. Mother: Oh, precious Rica. What's she done besides get herself knocked up? I had two worthless brats and nobody ever gave me the time of day for it. I deserve what she got! And more! And don't you tell me any different! Morrigan: [dryly, to the Warden] We have more in common than I thought...
Finn and Ariane from the Witch Hunt DLC are always good for a laugh, such as some of Ariane and Dog's banter, like when she'll complain to you that it's lecturing her after she tries to goad him into scaring a mage, or when she gets annoyed if Finn asks her if her name means anything. The best has to be when you do Mabari Dominance again.
Finn: Ah... don't you wish you could just piss anywhere you wanted to without having people give you dirty looks?
Ariane:What?! No! Why, Do you?
Finn: What?! No, of course not.
Considering the things that the Mabari pisses on to mark his territory in this DLC, it would be strange if they didn't comment on it. One of them is an artifact inside the Circle Tower. The other is somebody's long-dead corpse. Bad dog! Bad!
They generally make a good example of Like an Old Married Couple despite having next to zero things in common and having only met a few days ago.
Finn: Dog! What is that in which a tree is covered?
The two mages from the library can be a bit of a laugh, like when one of them laments that they're not allowed to have pets (owing to some dragonling incident) and defends that they should at least be allowed to keep domestic things, like cats, dogs or owls. To that, his friend asks why owls.
A lot of what Finn says is funny, especially the battle quotes.
"Phew! Am I bleeding? Oh look, a rip in my robe." (faints)
Searching the Circle library and finding some of Anders' schoolboy notes. Ser Pounce-a-lot has a lot to live up to.