- It's a subtle one, but if you look closely at Bethany during Varric's exaggerated opening prologue, you'll notice that her breasts are quite a bit bigger than in the rest of the game. Get your mind out of the gutter, Varric!
- Hawke and co. helping Aveline woo Donnic. Just... all of it, if you do it correctly.
- Especially Merrill's excited "Oh, you two are so adorable! Go ahead and kiss him already!" before Donnic knows what's going on.
- Merrill gets to squee all through that quest, actually.
- Isabela's suggestion over that matter is to tell Donnic to "bend her over a basin".
- And when this quest is referenced later on:
Aveline: I didn't ask to be the butt of your jokes!
) All right, so maybe I have asked for it.
- Funnier still is the way she flits her eyes back and forth as if in thought before eventually conceding the point.
- Bring Isabela along on this quest. The hilarity is ungodly.
Isabela: Wait... you've been without for four years? You must creak like a rusty hinge.
Aveline: Many people have their lives because of me!
Isabela: But meanwhile, poor you, with no life of your own.
Aveline: We both put others above ourselves. I just happen to do it while clothed.
Isabela: You splitting hairs, but wishing someone would split yours.
Aveline: I've had enough of your loose lips! Like many others, I'm sure!
Isabela: Ooo, touché. Prig!
(Hawke sidles between the pair)
Hawke: If I might put this back on track...?
- Bringing Varric is just as hilarious.
Varric: Let me draw a picture of where she wants to touch you.
- But the banter that triggers after the quest is the pinnacle.
Isabela: Psst. I've got some of it written down now.
Varric: Give it here. "Her breasts strained against the leather jerkin like two wild stallions corralled against their will." [chuckles] "She pounced Ė the smooth moves of a jungle catĖand locked her thighs around Donnic's waist. HeĖ-"
Aveline: What is that?
Isabela: Shh! (giggles)
Varric: Isabela just thought she'd celebrate your love affair with a... written dedication.
Aveline: I will never, ever be clean again.
- There's also the snarky dialogue while waiting for Donnic to return to the barracks and Aveline is concerned about how she's going to lose the respect of the guards.
Hawke: You could try the copper marigolds again. In hindsight, they weren't the worst option.
Aveline: This isn't funny.
Hawke: I beg to differ.
Aveline: You'll beg for more than that if you keep this up!
- Aveline's justification for giving him the copper marigolds:
Aveline: Metal is strong, copper ages well, flowers are soft. I thought it was clear!
- Cue 'WTF?' look from Hawke.
- Aveline's plan to smooth over her early attempts at wooing Donnic are just as good. "I can fix this... I'll need three goats, and a sheaf of wheat. You'll bring them to his mother."
- Not really Noodle Implements - such a tactic has all the hallmarks of a dowry. Which makes it a hilarious Genius Bonus because she's accidentally emasculating him by treating him as women were treated in Medieval times - as property and a burden.
- Hawke's face in the silent Reaction Shot when she says that just makes it a million times better. And then there's the exchange that happens if Merrill is in your party.
Merrill: Don't be silly! A dowry would only matter if you were courting him!
Merrill: (gasps) You're courting him!
- Varric also gives a pretty funny response.
Varric: I think my jaw just landed in the Deep Roads somewhere.
Aveline: Not a word, Dwarf.
Varric: I wouldn't dream of mocking your... unconventional courtship.
- Isabela has this jewel to say.
Isabela: Hold on a minute, you're sweet on the boy.
Aveline: So help me whore, I will break you!
Isabela: Oh, this is glorious! All of this flailing is her idea of courtship.
- Anything between Aveline and Snarky!Hawke during this quest:
Aveline: I was mute and now I want to sing.
Hawke: (grimaces) Please don't.
- Also, way way back in Act One, talk to Donnic after Aveline becomes Guard Captain. It's almost a heartwarming one, too:
- Hawke and Sebastian running into one of the Harrimans during Sebastian's final personal quest. Two words: "FELICITATE ME". Made even funnier when Isabela is brought along; she not only exclaims that she needs to use that phrase more often, she also mentions that she wants it embroidered on her tunic.
Sebastian: I've known Ruxtan Harriman my whole life! He's a complete prude!
Isabela: That's my kind of prude.
- Also, look at Isabela's face when the discretion shot away from Ruxton and the elf happens. If she thinks it's Head-Tiltingly Kinky, you know there's something wrong with this picture.
- One companion will always go wide-eyed, while the other starts grinning. This can make for some amusing combinations, especially if Anders starts smiling at "Use the feather!"
- Half of Merrill's dialogue, actually.
- Her introductory "Unless...it's not rude to ask a human their name, is it?"
- Her constant attempts to think up something that the qunari are not serious about, going through rainbows, flowers, butterflies, and knock-knock jokes.
- She tends to finish a bout of Buffy Speak with "I'mbabblingagainlet'sjustgo."
- During your expedition on Sundermount the following exchange occurs:
Merrill: I'm sorry. You're not really seeing the Dalish at their best. We're a good people, who look out for each other. Just not today, it seems.
Hawke: But the Dalish are so delightful! I was thinking of having the whole clan over for tea!
Merrill: I'm sure they'd never accept... Oh, right. Sarcasm.
- One of her banter exchanges with Fenris, talking about elven slaves in Tevinter:
Merrill: If they ran away, the Dalish would help them.
Fenris: That's as useful as saying 'If they flew into the sky, then they could live in the clouds'.
Fenris: ...This is why no one takes the Dalish seriously.
- In yet another banter with Fenris (if he is romanced), she teases him about 'being in love'. Fenris' dialogue is just as funny.
Fenris: What? What are you smiling at?
Merrill: You're in love.
Merrill: You keep looking at Hawke with sad puppy eyes every time his back is turned. (male Hawke)
Merrill: Every time she looks away, you stare at Hawke with those sad puppy eyes. (female Hawke)
Fenris: There are no puppy eyes.
Merrill: It's all right, you know. Even you can be happy once in a while, it won't kill you.
But your face might crack if you
smile, so be careful.
- Don't worry Merrill. I've seen it, it doesn't crack. It only trembles for a moment, as if it can't believe what it's doing.
- Merrill and Fenris tend to be hilarious period, when Fenris isn't just snarling at her, particularly if Varric is there.
Merrill: Fenris, did you step on something sharp?
Merrill: Slam your fingers in a door?
Merrill: Smack your head on a low beam?
Fenris: Is there a point to this line of questioning?
Merrill: I just wanted to know why you're so cross all the time.
Varric: I think he jabs himself with those spikes, personally.
Fenris: Perhaps it's the inane prodding.
- She gets one with Anders, even though he tends to be hostile towards her, regarding replacing Ser Pounce-A-Lot:
Anders: You don't pay attention to Templars, qunari or politics, but you pay attention to kittens?
Merrill: Templars, qunari and politics don't "meow" and attack your feet when you're buying food.
Anders: ...Are there any tabbies? I'd like a tabby.
Merrill: Do you feel like this is all a dream?
Hawke: In a minute I'll look down and see I've got no pants on.
- Merrill sometimes muses what kind of place the Wounded Coast would be if they renamed it the Happy Coast.
- When entering the Qunari compound she will sometimes randomly say this:
Merrill: They're so big and grim. I wonder what would happen if I tickled one of them?
- During one of Feynriel's quests:
Merrill: More demons. Feynriel's mind draws them the same way pastries draw Varric.
- After Aveline marries Donnic:
Merrill: Is it like you thought? It's nice, isn't it? He seems nice.
Aveline: Yes, he's very...nice.
Merrill: I know! And you're so cute when you're with him! Not like normal-you at all!
Aveline: Haven't you got something unholy to do?
Merrill: No, we're following Hawke. That's important, too.
Isabela: "Sister Nightingale," indeed. I remember it didn't take much to make you sing.
- One Party Banter consists of Aveline wondering why it is that Varric has a nickname for everyone except for her ("Daisy" for Merrill, "Sunshine" for Bethany, etc.). He replies that he calls Hawke and Bianca by their names, to which Aveline says "Hawke is a family name, and Bianca is a crossbow."
- Fenris, of all people, gets some truly hilarious lines when he decides to snark right back at any of the companions, particularly with Isabela.
Fenris: I suppose a pair of lyrium breasts tattooed on my chest would make things better.
- And one party banter with Varric:
Fenris: I thought all dwarves had beards. Where's yours?
Varric: I misplaced it, along with my sense of dwarven pride and my gold-plated noble caste pin.
Fenris: I thought maybe it fell onto your chest.
Varric: Oh-ho! The broody elf tells a joke!
Fenris: I don't brood.
Varric: Friend, if your brooding were any more impressive, women would swoon as you passed. They'd have broody babies in your honor.
Fenris: ...You're a very odd dwarf.
Varric: And you thought I was joking about the pin.
- On Anders' personal quest in the second chapter, you ambush a Templar who asks who the hell you are. Varric responds "It's the Divine, come all the way from Orlais to tell you personally what a jackass you are."
- Most of the interactions between Flemeth and Hawke are this if you go the Deadpan Snarker route. Of note is this gem when you bring the Amulet to the Dalish.
Flemeth: I half expected my amulet to end up in some merchant's pocket.
Hawke: No one wanted to buy it. Maybe because there was a witch inside?
- As is the first conversation with Flemeth, which consists primarily of Hawke badgering her to teach him/her to turn into a dragon. Especially when the text of one of your responses is "I want to be a dragon."
- Flemeth in general, actually. During her introduction, when Aveline tells you that she is the Witch of the Wilds, she responds "Some call me that. Also Flemeth, Ashe'bellenar, an old hag who talks too much."
- She's funny even if Hawke isn't snarky.
Flemeth: The world is coming to a precipice...when you reach it, do not hesitate. Leap.
Hawke: And then what?
Flemeth: Do what I do, of course. Become a dragon! (bursts out laughing, before stopping suddenly) You could never be a dragon.
- Comtesse Dulci de Launcet, and her butler, and Varric's imitation of her breathy falsetto and Orlesian accent.
- Silly!Hawke's constant Take That statements at politicians. When you discover that Aveline's boss is selling out his subordinates, Hawke comments that "This man needs to be in government!"
Aveline: Not now, Hawke.
- Better still, bring Varric along, and you can gain friendship from him during this conversation - there is no way that comment had nothing to do with it.
- Aveline's increasingly exasperated "Not now, Hawke!" when Hawke is being silly.
- When Aveline takes over as Guard-Captain, the following occurs:
Hawke: It'll be nice to have the law on my side for a change.
Aveline: You'll behave yourself. I just sent Jevan to prison for corruption, I'm not going to start down that road.
Hawke: You never let me have any fun!
Bethany: Thank goodness.
- One of Silly!Hawke's pieces of dialogue: "Looks like they took him to some hideout on the Wounded Coast. I wonder if that's near the Injured Cliffs? The Limping Hills? The Massive-Head-Trauma Bay? No? Just me?"
- This exchange in the Bone Pit:
Mine Worker: Just don't go that way. There's this huge dragon. (leaves)
Merrill: Oh, are we going to go that way? I've never seen a huge dragon before!
- Your Quest Journal update after that conversation:
Beware of the large dragon ahead.
- Merrill comparing Varric to her clan's storyteller, and observing that "Though none of his stories ever began No shit! There I was..." in an exaggeratedly gruff voice.
- When you examine the railing next to Merrill after she moves in with Hawke, Hawke says "Are those handprints? Has someone been swinging from the chandelier?... Merrill!"
- This happens before Merrill moves in. Hawke just thinks it's Sandal.
- In the Anders romance, and possibly others, the comment is attributed to Sandal even after your LI moves in. Presumably, they couldn't imagine Anders swinging from a chandelier. Any more.
- I now have the most amusing image of Awakening!Anders swinging from a chandelier back at the keep in Dragon Age Awakening.
- Examining the window after Merrill moves in reveals that she's started naming all the falcon statues adorning the house. The one outside the north face is named Finnegan, whereas the one on the window in question is Messere Pointy-Face.
- Looking out one of the windows in the Hawke Estate will lead Hawke to comment, "Maker's breath! Put some clothes on, man!"
- Isabela's comment during the quest "Enemies Among Us":
Isabela: Mmm. Apostate prostitutes? Apostitutes!
- Her little laugh really sells it.
- If you ask the bartender in Hanged Man about news, he may mention that the pigeon population in Ferelden has been declining sharply and wonder what kind of sick creature would kill harmless birds. The longer it takes you realize that this is an instance of the Running Gag about Shale's hatred of birds in general, the funnier it gets.
- Pretty much all of Xenon's dialogue is hilarious, considering he's a batshit insane corpse.
Xenon: Please...don't fondle Andraste.
Xenon: Those rare enchanted items are the prize of my collection... ALSO SOCKS! You can never have enough... socks...
Xenon: Do not...maaannnnhandle the urchin, he's not for sale. FIND YOUR OWN!
- Carver attempts to flirt with Merrill, who doesn't get it. She then asks if she missed something dirty, because she hopes she did.
- One loading screen contained the following advice: "Don't play cards with the Qunari, it's impossible to tell if they're bluffing. Don't play cards with elves, they never pay their debts. And don't play cards with dwarves, they'll kill you if they lose."
- Sebastian's flustered response the first time F!Hawke flirts with him is priceless.
Sebastian: What? Why are you smiling at me like that... oh. Ohhhh my. I think I need to pray. A lot.
- When you visit Fenris early in the second act, Isabela is talking to him about how the seneschal's tax collectors wouldn't be bothering him again, and how there's a "funny story" about it, but Fenris declines the explanation. Later on, when you visit Anders, Isabela gets medical help from the mage-doctor about feeling uncomfortable down there. A similar conversation could also be seen, except with the seneschal instead of Isabela; Anders politely advises him to watch the company he keeps amongst the port women as pirates tend to "dock in unusual places"; if Isabela is present, she'll protest, "Hey!" Suddenly, why Fenris doesn't have to pay taxes becomes clear.
- We find Sandal Feddic surrounded by dead darkspawn again. When asked, he cheerfully says "boom" But then the camera pans to the right to reveal an ogre completely frozen in ice.
Hawke: And how did you do that?
Sandal: Not enchantment.
- And Varric's response to that explanation is priceless.
Varric: ...Smart boy.
- During the quest to frame Ser Conrad, Hawke can accuse him of sacrificing goats. S/He'll then say that Ser Conrad said, quite clearly that he "wanted to do...demon-y things..."
- Even better is the reaction of the Templar you're reporting it to. He gasps dramatically with this serious and shocked "What?! No!"
- It gets better. At the end of that quest Mistress Selby informs you of certain developments: Ser Conrad is in the middle of an argument with another Templar, the drunk Templar you denounced Conrad to marches in and starts accusing him of worshiping the 'Great Demon' and doing 'demon-y things', and while all the Templars are shocked into silence a dockworker comes in and says "You Ser Conrad? Got a shipment of raw lyrium here for you, sign here."
- It is also possible to tell the Templar he is smuggling lyrium, making the timing even more appropriate. It could only possibly be improved by happening onscreen.
- Isabela's attempts to seduce Bianca from Varric. The fact that they both act like they know what Bianca's thinking is priceless.
Isabela: Come to me and I'll take you places you've never been.
Varric: Isabela...are you talking to Bianca?
Isabela: I think she deserves a woman's touch on her trigger, don't you?
Varric: Bianca responds to my touch. She'd never give it up for you.
Isabela: That's what they always say, and I always prove them wrong.
: Stop it. You're confusing her! And me
- They enjoy doing this quite a bit especially regarding Varric's chest hair.
Varric: I'll let you run your fingers through it, if you want.
Isabela: Your chest hair? My fingers? Oh, Varric, stop! You're making me quiver.
Varric: You know you want to.
Isabela: Oh I do, I can't resist you. No woman can.
Varric: I know. It's a terrible burden.
- And again when Varric is a little too convincing even for Isabela.
Varric: Do you know how much I suffer under your gaze? I am a person, not an object!
Isabela: Uh, Varric?
Varric: (laughing) Just shitting you.
- Silly!Hawke's response to Anders kissing him/her and saying that he wants him/her to know how he feels in case either of them dies: "Oooh, is it in verse? I do hope it's in verse!"
- At the next stage of the romance, Silly!Hawke can ask him if he wants a sandwich too - right after Anders confesses his love. Even he laughs a little at this, which is saying something.
- Which also has another meaning, considering Anders' condition. Their romance gets called a threesome in more than one occasion
- If you side with the mages without a high enough approval from Fenris, he'll turn against you. But before you have to fight him, you'll have a chance to talk to him again, and if you point out that he is consigning people to slavery, he'll come back. His line, especially the slightly guilty way he says it, is priceless.
Fenris: Uh... (to Meredith) I have changed my mind, human. I will stand with my friend.
- Made even better with Meredith just dismissing him as if she was just noticing him for the first time.
- He can have a similarly hilarious reaction during his Act 2 companion quest. If Hawke tells Hadriana's elven slave to come work at the Hawke estate in Kirkwall, Fenris is all set to be outraged at Hawke for keeping slaves, but Hawke can pull the rug neatly out from under him by pointing out that she'll be a paid servant. His response is made of sudden, awkward chagrin, to point:
Fenris: I didn't realize you were in the market for a slave.
Hawke: Fenris, I'm giving her a job.
Fenris: Oh, that's - good, then... Let's just be done with this.
- Given his generally asocial demeanor until around Act 3 (around certain characters, at least), Fenris' sudden bouts of awkwardness can even seem cute as well as funny, like when you first flirt with him after having cleared out his now-home; he gives a very nervous, surprised laugh, like he has absolutely no idea what to do, being unused to sudden flirty dialogue being thrown at him by handsome men/attractive women. (Though when it happens with Isabela his tone is often dry as well as taken aback—at first—or sarcastic.)
- Bringing Isabela along for Zevran's cameo.
Hawke: How do you know Isabela?
Zevran: How does anyone know Isabela?
Isabela: Yes, well... keep that up and you'll never know Isabela again.
- Asking her what she thinks after he's explained the real situation with the Crows will net this exchange.
Hawke: You know him best, what do you think?
Isabela: I've had better.
Hawke: I meant about letting him go or not.
Isabela: Oh! Right! I'd let him go.
- And of course, afterward;
Zevran: I should be going.
Isabela: Wait, that's it? What about sex?
Zevran: Ah, Isabela, how I've missed you.
Isabela: That's because you have piss-poor aim. Fortunately, you have other uses...
- The dialog changes if romanced with the Warden.
Zevran: laughs* Still blunt as a dwarven hammer, hmmm? Well, why not!
Isabela: What? You can come too.
Zevran: Indeed! The more the merrier!
Hawke: Let's find someplace quieter.
- Even better (if you've romanced Isabela) is joining them...leaving your two other teammates behind. Especially if those two are Anders and Fenris.
- If Aveline is present, she'll mutter, "I think I just threw up a little in my mouth."
- The hilarious inverted Scarface (1983) Shout-Out where Varric relates the tale to Cassandra of busting into his brother's house by himself and killing a ridiculous amount of enemies including making a hilariously precise arrow shot at the end. It ends with his brother telling him how awesome he is. Then Cassandra tells him to tell the real story and when he does, it stops being funny and becomes really disturbing.
- If you decide to save Sabine's bacon, Snarky!Hawke may tell Hubert that Sabine's family was threatened, including his dog. The mock hysteria and outrage of his/her tone sells it.
Hawke: They even threatened to kill his dog. *concerned voice* His dog, Hubert!
- Bran wonders aloud where you'd find a crooked guardsman; your party unanimously agrees the Hanged Man without any thought.
Seneschal: Although where you'd find a guardsman so quick to sell his honor and duty, I'm sure I wouldn't know.
Anders: (immediately) The Hanged Man.
Varric: (almost simultaneously) Hanged Man.
Hawke: No question.
- If you bring Fenris, Merrill, and Varric:
Fenris: The Hanged Man
Merrill: Hanged Man.
Varric: (to Hawke) Obvious one that.
- Even Sebastian comments on it if you tag him along.
Anders: The Hanged Man.
Varric: Hanged Man.
Sebastian: Even I know that.
- Silly Hawke's response to Orsino's request for subtlety in investigating some Circle Mages;
Hawke: So I shouldn't slit my wrists and dance naked under the moonlight just to fit in.
Love Interest: I would pay to see that.
- It doesn't work with Fenris, but instead you'll get:
Orsino: Well, if that's what you're planning, perhaps I should join you after all.
- Point be made he says this in a surprisingly somewhat sultry tone that's lost in the pure text.
- One of Varric's comments after he's been injured: "Dear Varric, please learn to parry. Love, your innards."
- Almost any conversation between Anders and Varric is classic, but this one is especially good:
Anders: I've always wondered, why is every surface dwarf a merchant or a smith?
Varric: You left out criminals and hired muscle.
Anders: They don't count.
Varric: We dwarves are drawn to shiny objects. Sort of like magpies, but with business sense.
Anders: You're kidding.
Varric: Of course I am. We come to the surface with the skills our ancestors had, Blondie. You think there's a tradition of dwarf woodcutters in Orzammar? Beekeepers? Sailors?
Anders: Well, there could be mushroom growers and nug wranglers.
Varric: Orzammar will never let those people go topside. Too vital. Also, embarrassing.
- If you have both Aveline and Anders in the Party, they start talking about Ferelden.
Anders: Do you ever miss Fereldan?
Aveline: All the time. Lothering was my home. I would never have left if not for the blight. But my life is in Kirkwall now. You?
Anders: I didn't think I would care in the slightest when I left, but now I'm not so sure. Something about Kirkwall just seems... off, somehow.
Aveline: You mean how badly they treat mages here, right?
- If you have the Mabari in your house, you can arrive home and see Varric teaching your dog how to play card games. And he's apparently quite good at it, although he wags his tail when he gets a good hand.
Smartass!Hawke: I don't know if it's brilliant or horrible that you play Diamondback with my dog.
Varric: Hey, I'm just saying, if he learned to watch his tells he'd be up more than three sovereigns.
- Gets an even better Stealth Shout-Out to a certain famous painting when Varric mentions a group of dogs that play cards every week.
- A wryly funny moment on several levels: In an Anders/Isabela/Fenris party, after Fenris has walked out on Hawke, Anders can't resist getting a couple of verbal swipes at the elf. The tension is destroyed by good ol' Bela:
Isabela: Oh, will you two get over yourselves! You're like two dogs around a bitch in heat!
Fenris: We were talking about Hawke. Not you.
- During the same exchange, if Hawke also slept with her:
Isabela: Oh, will you two get over yourselves? I did him/her too.
- Fenris grudgingly concedes to another of Isabela's attempts to dodge an argument:
Isabela: (sigh) This is silly. I don't want to argue.
Fenris: (pause) ...Do you want to guess what colour my undergarments are again?
Isabela: Ooh, yes, that's much more fun!
- Talking to Alistair if he became King and married the female Human Noble Warden in the first game. He might be the King of Ferelden, but its perfectly clear to everyone present who really wears the trousers in that relationship.
Alistair: Well, I suppose I should get back to the old ball and chain.
Teagan: You know the queen hates it when you call her that.
Alistair: No, she doesn't! Just because she killed an Archdemon, she doesn't scare me!
Teagan: You keep telling yourself that, Your Majesty.
- Or if you didn't he lampshades the Everyone Calls Him "Barkeep" trope:
Teagan: The Hero of Ferelden should be back in Denerim.
Alistair: You're always so formal. S/he has a name, you know.
- Frankly, anything Alistair says. He was in top snarking form that day.
- A patron at The Hanged Man attempts to woo his "dusky goddess" (Isabela). With really, really bad poetry.
Man: You heart-worm, you!
- To put the poorness of his poetry in perspective, Charr is William Butler Yeats compared to this guy.
- And Isabela motioning toward the bartender to give her a drink in the middle of the poem really sells it.
- Finally, there's Hawke's complete WTF face when s/he hears him tell Isabela what the next part of the poem would be.
- Just about anything that comes out of Isabela's mouth is comedy gold, but this particular conversation takes the cake:
Anders: Sometimes I think you have the right idea.
Isabela: Handcuffs, whipped cream, always be on top?
Anders: I never used to give two bits what anyone thought of me. Justice once asked me why I didn't do more for other mages. I told him it was too much work, but I couldn't go back after that. Couldn't stop thinking about it. Sometimes I miss being that selfish.
Isabela: Huh, were you talking? I was still at whipped cream.
- Much needed levity if you bring Aveline along for the Haunted quest.
Aveline: In about ten seconds, I'm just going to smash anything that moves.
Merrill: Hello? Messere ghost? Could you stop doing that now? Please?
- Anders joins in when a vase flies at Hawke.
Anders: Andraste's flaming knickers!
- Isabela trying her hardest not to be scared is adorable. Especially when a screaming ghost runs past you.
Isabela: (shrieks) Er... sorry.
- A pair of drunkards in the Hanged Man are chatting...
Hanged Man patron: I hear the Champion of Kirkwall has killed a dozen dragons, and sleeps on a bed made from their bones. And I hear s/he uses the Arishok's skull as a gravy boat.
- With the Qunari's attitude towards Due to the Dead, after you foil the invasion a Qunari asks you to retrieve several lost Qunari blades so that he may return them to their homeland. Do this without asking for money in return and he thanks you by giving you your own personal Qunari weapon and tells you to treat it as your own soul. You can then turn around and hock it to the nearest vendor for spare change.
- Isabela letting loose a Hurricane of Euphemisms regarding Aveline's sex life in response to Aveline wearily telling her to get it out of her system, including "explore your Deep Roads" and "satisfy a demand of your Qun". Also, her asking Fenris about his "magical fisting".
- Even funnier when Aveline finally relents and admits that Donnic is a very proficient lover...only for Isabela to say, "Well that's rather personal, don't you think?"
- Does he Arl your Eamon?
- Or Cup your Joining?
- Shank your Jory? Grey your Warden? Beard your Dwarf?
- Praise your Maker?
- Pamper your Paragon?
- Dampen your Divine?
- Establish his canon?
- Pudding your peach?
- Kaddis your Katie?
- Grope your grinder?
- Float your frigate?
- Master your taint? That's an old one.
- Isabela and Aveline being Vitriolic Best Buds late in the game. Isabela explaining just how she gets laid so often (culminating in her reminiscing about the number of times she's heard "Get off me, you pirate hag!"). Aveline cheering herself up by listing what she likes about herself. Isabela responding with a string of insults. Aveline's reaction.
Aveline: I'm the Captain of the Guard. I'm strong, loyal, and don't look half-bad naked.
Isabela: Exactly. And if I called you a mannish, awkward, ball-crushing do-gooder, you'd say...?
Aveline: (cheerily) Shut up, whore.
Isabela: (fondly) That's my girl.
- Of all their banters, this one takes the cake:
Isabela: How's marriage been treating you, big girl?
Aveline: It's been good. No, great. I'd forgotten what it was like to -
Isabela: Be flipped ass-over-tits and hammered like a bent nail?
Aveline: To. Be. Loved.
Isabela: Oh. Right. Of course.
Aveline: Not that I'm complaining about the other thing.
- The side quest 'Sketchy on the Details' where we see Leliana's old partner in crime Sketch running from a group of pissed off Denerim vigilantes...and a group of Rivani pirates...and a gang of Dwarven Carta thugs...and some Antivan Crows...and a Qunari Death Squad. Honestly, HOW much trouble did he get into with our favorite Bard and HOW is he still alive?
- The best part is the one line he has while being chased by the Qunari: "I've never even been to Par Vollen!"
Hawke: (turning in the quest) The screaming mage?
- Isabela telling Carver that she saw him in The Blooming Rose.
Hawke: Carver, what would Mother say?
Carver: You're just - that's not what I...shit!
- Carver's reaction if Hawke hits on Jethann at the Blooming Rose is priceless, both if Hawke accepts or if he decides to hold off.
- Bethany's is good too, even if you turn Jethann down, she says: "It's too late now! The images are in my head and they are never, ever going away!"
- Varric asks Fenris what he does in that big mansion all day. Fenris answers "I dance."
Varric: So what do you do in that gigantic house all day?
Fenris: Dance, of course.
Fenris: I run from room to room, choreographing routines.
Varric: You're actually joking. Alert the Chantry! They need to put this on the calendar!
Fenris: And you thought I was always serious.
- Bethany finds some of Isabela's erotica:
Bethany: That book you were reading this morning, Hessarian's Spear. I don't think he had a spear in the legends.
Isabela: He does in this one. Read the description.
Bethany: "Andraste knelt before no man but her Maker. But she hadn't counted on the Archon Hessarian. Can Hessarian penetrate the tight-knit defenses of the warrior-prophetess? Will she be prepared to face the full blast of his...power"...wait a minute...Isabela, this is a vulgar thing!
Isabela: You want to borrow it?
Isabela: You sure? It has pictures.
Bethany: Not listening, I'm not listening!
- Another episode in Isabela's ongoing quest to corrupt Bethany.
Bethany: So you must have been with a lot of men.
Isabela: Aw, you're blushing! How many lovers have you had?
Bethany: I... I never...
Isabela: You're a virgin? Hawke, you've been holding out on the poor girl. Get her a night at the Blooming Rose, on me!
Bethany: That's... um... very generous.
Isabela: I'm a giver!
- And of course we can't forget this one.
Bethany: So you've... been with women? In bed?
Isabela: Shocking, isn't it? You see, sweetness, men are only good for one thing. Women are good for six.
Bethany: Six? (hesitantly) ... which six?
Hawke: (alarmed) Isabela!
- Even funnier if you later romance Isabela. Her earlier jibes at Bethany take on a distinct Twin Threesome Fantasy vibe.
- There's also the exchange between Aveline and Hawke if s/he goes the Snarky route when they go to deal with the stolen insanity gas:
Hawke: How about we let your man handle this one?
- Isabela's companion quest has one of these. When faced with what to do to get Castillon out in the open, you can suggest using her as bait. She's very impressed with your ingenuity.
Isabela: ...That's so clever! I was going to say we challenge Valesco to a riddle game and make "Where's your boss?" one of the riddles. This is so much better.
Isabela: Step one, we find Velasco, step two...something exciting happens. Step three... Profit!
- To make your plan succeed, however, you have to make it sound convincing, leading to the following conversations, depending on which dialogue option you pick:
Isabela: Now, this needs to be convincing. And you'll need to get creative—call me names, even hit me.
Isabela: Stick with it, no matter what I do. Velasco's a clever son of a bitch. If you waver, he'll notice.
Diplomatic!Hawke: I don't know if I can pull this off.
Isabela: Come on, haven't you ever wanted to slap me? Just a little?
Merrill: Yes... wait, what are we voting on?
Sebastian: Is that a trick question?
Isabela: I wasn't asking you people!
Varric: Face it. You set yourself up for that one.
Silly!Hawke: I'm worried about you. You're enjoying this a little too much.
Isabela: I am, aren't I? (Giggles)
Aggressive!Hawke: I'll make it convincing, not to worry.
Isabela: Er... now you're making me nervous.
- The possible Ironic Echo in this quest is also hilarious. While using her as bait, if Hawke goes the snarky route, s/he explains his/her "betrayal" this way:
Hawke: Remember that one time you ran off with a Qunari relic? It's like that, only funnier.
- Later, if you refuse to blackmail Castillon in exchange for a new ship and just kill him, Isabela will be frustrated and ask why you went against her wishes. Hawke's snarky response?
Isabela: Why did you do that!?
Hawke: Remember that one time you ran off with a Qunari relic?
- Merrill asks Sebastian about his bow.
: Does your bow have a name? Varric's crossbow has a name.
: I'm afraid I can't compete with our dwarven friend's...relationship
with his weapon.
Merrill: You could call it "Philomela."
Sebastian: [deeply confused] Why would I do that?
Merrill: Because it reminds me of a woman in the Alienage. Thin, pointed, and always throwing things at people.
- A moment of Merrill being Merrill during her romance path:
If you were Dalish, our people would have a kingdom by now... (Beat
) ... and half of Thedas would be attacking us, so maybe things worked out for the best.
- Sarcastic Hawke gets off a fairly appropriate zinger in the following scene:
Merrill: (while lying in bed with Hawke) What happens now? Are we...what did this mean?
- Anders when being brought to the Blooming Rose;
Anders: If anyone here tries to hire me again I'm leaving.
- Aveline suggests that Varric uses his skill at writing to warn criminals not to act criminally.
Varric: Are most criminals big readers? Seems like pacifying the nobles.
Aveline: Pictures, then. It was just a suggestion.
Varric: Well, how about a giant sign that just says "Don't"? You could hit people with it.
Aveline: Thank you, I get the point.
- Varric commenting on the rather uninspiring artwork in the Gallows.
Varric: I think that statue over there is a statement on modern life. Possibly the statement is, "Well, shit."
- The above gets a callback in Mark of the Assassin:
Varric: And this array of sculptures is known as "Scurvy Bastards Reflecting on Modern Life." After much reflection, they appear to have come to the conclusion, "Well, shit."
- The fetch quests typically have a line of dialogue which amounts to "Sorry I misplaced this, thanks for finding it," when you go to complete them... even the ones involving dead bodies.
NPC: Don't wave that around! I mean...thank you for returning this perfectly harmless item to me.
- If you use the blunt responses a lot, Hawke is sometimes quite straightforward when turning an item in.
Hawke: Your lost garbage, serah.
- For one of these, the completed quest in the journal reads "Bonwald has his shopping list. Tremble, oh Thedas."
- There are some good ones in the completed quest journal. "The Redwater Teeth were once called the Dandy Lampreys. True story."
- "The Invisible Sisters were exposed. Stalkings are now down considerably."
- If you bring Isabela into the Fade with you, the desire demon tempts her with visions of a new ship of her very own, which leads her to betray you as she comments:
Isabela: I like big boats. I cannot lie.
- Then when talking to her after the quest ends;
Hawke: "I like big boats. I cannot lie"? Really, Isabela?
Isabela: Well, I do!
- One of the books Isabela has given Hawke.
Hawke: "A Hundred and One Uses for A Phallic Tuber." Thanks, Isabela, that's a hundred too many.
- When Anders comments on the location of Sebastian's belt buckle. Sebastian's utterly scandalised reactions are amazing.
Anders: Is that supposed to be Andraste's face on your crotch? ... I'm just not sure I'd want the Maker seeing me shove His bride's head between my legs every morning.
- During the Bone Pit quest in Act 1:
Isabela: There was a brothel on the slummier side of Antiva City called the Bone Pit. It was entirely different from this.
- Snarky Hawke flirting with Fenris.
Fenris: If I'd known Anso would find me a man/woman so capable, I'd have asked him sooner.
Hawke: You sound like you're about to ask for a loan.
- Isabela's little joke about Fenris when you're romancing him. The joke is pretty funny, but her totally cracking up after delivering it is hilarious.
: I hear he still wears the shackles of his old life...under his clothes
. You know what they say about a man like that, don't you? ... He can't find a saw
) I had you there. You thought I was going to say something dirty! (she continues laughing while Hawke facepalms
- The few times someone takes a dig at Anders' fashion sense, or lack thereof. In Act 1, Varric asks him if the feathered pauldrons are an essential part of the moody rebel mage persona; in act 3, we get this:
Merrill: Have I ever mentioned I like your coat?
Anders: You do?
Merrill: It's very lively! Like a crow in the middle of anting!
Anders: That's...that's great. Thanks, Merrill.
Varric: I tried to warn you, Blondie.
Anders: You're not helping.
- It's definitely a case of Black Comedy, the background dialogue in the Blooming Rose is amusing, particularly when one prostitute threatens to have another of the sex workers sacked for abusing her boy. The other prostitute retorts that Madame Lusine doesn't give a rat's ass about her brat and "gives me a copper every time I kick the little bastard."
- Varric's sworn revenge on his brother involves him apologizing to his mother halfway for inadvertently insulting her as well.
Varric: I swear, I will find that son of a bitch - sorry, Mother - and I will kill him!
- When looking for the nobleman's wife, Ninette, in the first act, talk to Jethann with Fenris in your party. After he hits on you (regardless of gender) you can see Fenris pulling a small Face Palm in the background.
- Merrill and Aveline chat about Aveline's devotion to the Hawke family:
Merrill: You came so far together, and you didn't even have a keeper to make you get along.
Aveline: So...your keeper tells you to stop kicking each other, or she'll turn the Aravel around...?
Merrill: (thoughtfully) Sometimes she also tells us to stop pulling hair.
- When meeting with the Arishok on the "Blackpowder Promises" quest, if you bring Fenris with you, he can discuss the matter of debt with the Arishok, and regarding the dwarf Javaris.
Fenris: I see. Then we have wrongly inserted ourselves into another's affairs. Would you have us kill this dwarf?
- Carver talking with Fenris about tattoos. Made even better with the third companion in your party.
Carver: Many of us got tattoos before Ostagar. Mabari, for strength.
Carver: No. But I can make it bark.
Fenris: Please refrain.
Anders: Yes, refrain.
Isabela: Rather see it wag.
- When starting the 'Justice' quest, selecting 'Is that all?' results in quite the interesting insight into Anders' mind.
Hawke: What aren't you telling me?
Anders: Oh, many things, I'm sure. Did I tell you about the dream I had where the Grand Cleric was completely naked, except for her miter? And there was this giant glowing cheese wheel...
- While talking to Fenris at one point, Hawke can accuse him of whining. He begins to deny it, but then reluctantly admits that Hawke has a point.
Hawke: Is that all you do? Dwell on the negative?
Fenris: No! I - (pauses) Well, alright. Yes. Fair enough.
- You can set one of these up yourself in act 2 - when you head to the Hanged Man as part of a main story quest, ensure that Isabela and Varric aren't in your party - the fella you're talking to eventually attacks and is met not only by Hawke but half the sodding bar. Whoops?
- It's even better if you bring Aveline along. The man is a corrupt guard who just admitted to deserting his post and allowing the Qunari emissaries to be kidnapped...right in front of the guard captain. Aveline grabs him and intimidates him into telling her who bribed him without a fight. Then she lets him go and tells him "Deserting your post gets you ten days on the wall. I'll expect you at dawn." The creep actually lets out a scared little whimper before scampering off.
- Even better if you do this while also performing "The Long Road." Apparently Donnic is oblivious enough to completely miss the aforementioned intimidation scene happening literally two feet behind him.
- While climbing up Sundermount at one point, Anders made a quip that seemed to be a callback to his old, snarky Awakening persona:
Anders: If we had a rock to push uphill, this would perfectly sum up my life.
Fenris: The ancient elves were brilliant.
- Merrill will back him up on that:
Merrill: I hate to say it, but my ancestors were not thinking clearly when they decided to bury people on top of a mountain.
- More lovely gems from Varric on Sundermount:
Varric: Andraste's sanctified tits! Who on earth would make the ground vertical!
- In the beginning of the Enemies Among Us quest, Snarky Hawke asks this of Masha, which is all in the delivery:
Hawke: So you think the templars...what? Killed and ate your brother?
- Snarky Hawke upon being confronted by an extremely powerful Pride demon, after the Scrolls quest:
) Summoned a horror. Of course. Why wouldn't
I do that?
- For additional giggles, the look s/he casts back to his team while the demon gives his I-Am-Evil! spiel looks exasperated in that context — it screams "Can you believe this guy?".
- If you romance Anders and he moves in with you, he will eventually have this conversation with your dog:
Anders: Now that I'm living here there isn't room for you in the bed. Do you understand?
Dog: (Whines, howls)
Anders: That won't work on me. I'm a cat person. Cheer up, old boy. Maybe you can bunk with Sandal!
Dog: (Happy bark!)
- While chatting up Fenris during the Templar ending, he'll mention that you will doubtless be facing horrible monsters. Snarky!Hawke, as always, has a good quip.
- That's doubly funny if you played the first game, where Alistair mentions Tuesday is when the ritual dismemberments happen.
- During Mark of the Assassin, you get this:
Tallis: The Montfort family inherited this mountain from a clan of Nevarran dragon-hunters. Well, maybe inherited is the wrong word. What do you call it when you kill someone in order to get all their stuff?
- The snarky line is also pretty great:
- Some of the quips from your non-rogue party members when you ask them to pick locks are just hilarious. Merrill will, for example, say "Um, no? Definitely not? Ever?" Fenris will say "Alas, no," in a dreadfully deadpan tone that makes it quite clear of his opinion on you trying to make him do anything with anything that isn't a sword.
- Or Anders. "What do you think I am, magic?"
- In the Legacy DLC, the "humor" response to Bethany being a bit upset about being a Grey Warden, talking about how she endures because she can. Hawke does a rather silly dance, and Bethany smiles, and she fondly remembers how Carver would dance that jig to make her happy whenever her knees got skinned, a pet died, or a toy was broken. Very touching moment.
- In the same DLC, there's also a line from Varric during the fight against Corypheus.
- A banter involves Fenris mentioning that he and Donnic get together to play diamondback.
Aveline: Why am I not invited to these games?
Fenris: He says you get angry when you lose.
Aveline: I do not! All right, perhaps I do. Still, that's no reason not to tell me.
- And then, if Varric is in the party...
Varric: It is if he's a betting man.
- If Isabela is there, you can hear this gem; keep in mind, they are talking about Fenris:
Perhaps he longed for less masculine
Shut up, whore.
- Isabela and Varric's banter during Legacy. In one they're playing a Drinking Game.
Varric: We passed a broken pillar, you know what that means.
Isabela: Everyone take a drink!
Aveline: The last time you played this game, didn't Isabela tried to "get Orlesian" with a lyrium vein?
Aveline: Carry on, then.
- If Anders is in the party, he'll comment on how he kissed an ogre the last time.
- Speaking of Legacy banter; this Carver/Sebastian banter (providing you're romancing Seb and are playing snarky!Hawke) is hilarious.
Sebastian: Is something troubling you, brother?
Carver: I'm not your brother.
Sebastian: I'm not familiar with Fereldan tradition, but I married your sister. I believe that makes us brothers.
Carver: A "chaste marriage." Some invention of yours, no doubt.
Hawke: Aww. Would it make you feel better if I slept with him? Because I totally would. Right here.
Carver: Sister, please!
Sebastian: Yes, love... rein it in.
- Another dialogue with Bethany ends with Sebastian slyly complimenting her looks and flustering Beth. Hawke's reaction is a chuckle; apparently s/he finds it a CMOF. Hey, he wasn't always a choir boy.
If Bethany joined the Circle:
Sebastian: You think there is shame in being in the Circle?
Bethany: Isn't there?
Sebastian: You were made as you are. I have yet to see evidence of the Maker's fallibility. I certainly don't see any in you.
Bethany: I... oh my.
If Bethany joined the Grey Wardens:
Sebastian: To have a second chance, and one with such purpose, it cannot be a curse.
Bethany: This wasn't my choice. If there's something good or beautiful in any of this, please, enlighten me.
Sebastian: Well, there's you.
Bethany: I... oh my.
- If Hawke is female, Bethany mentions her sister's the one who gets called "Lady". Sebastian replies that she's no less deserving. If she's a Warden, he adds "Purpose is one of the Maker's greatest gifts - although obviously not the only one he has granted you." Seriously, Sebastian can be smooth when he wants.
- If Isabela is there, she'll agree.
Isabela: Phew. No kidding.
- Actually, it's even funnier if Sebastian is romanced.
Bethany: Yes, sister?
- A romanced Merrill in Legacy might just take the cake, though...
Anders: Were you trying to look at my Grimoire the other day?
Merrill: Me? What? No! When?
Anders: At my clinic. While I was talking to Hawke. I saw you looking in one of my books. You know, those are private.
Merrill: I know, that's why I - Oh, fine. I admit it. I was hoping you'd have, um, dirty spells.
Anders: Dirty spells?
Merrill: You know! To, um, make things more exciting. Oh, I shouldn't have said anything.
Isabela: That's my girl.
Anders: More exciting? For you and Hawke?
Hawke: Stop, just... stop right there.
- This bit of Lampshading when Fenris ask Aveline about her being absent from her duties.
Fenris: Does the city guard never ask where you wander off to with Hawke?
Aveline: I am on a "special investigation".
Hawke: And what does that make me?
Aveline: Someone who is helping me with my special investigation.
Fenris: How benevolent of you, Hawke.
Hawke: I'm a giver!
- When Carver's joining the Wardens makes him confident enough to take on Isabela at her own game.
Isabela: You've certainly...filled out, Carver. Shame, really. I hear joining the Wardens separates the men from their "boys".
Carver: We rarely have children, true. But don't worry, that just means I try ever so much harder.
Isabela: Mmm...I like you all grown up.
Varric: Junior took down the Rivaini? Who's telling this story?
- If he joined the Templars instead, he turns part of the Chant of Light into a string of double entendres. The real punchline is Sebastian's outraged "Don't do that to the chant!"
- What really sells it is if Hawke is in a romance with Isabela, cue one very alarmed response;
Hawke: (to Isabela) No you don't! (To Carver) No she doesn't!
- Discussing the plan for dealing with the Carta.
Hawke: I'm sure it was all just a misunderstanding. Later we'll all have tea and we'll laugh.
Varric: "Oh, your name is Hawke! I thought it was Locke."
Carver: "Yes, we were looking for some other combination of general and ringmaster."
- Sebastian takes a peek at Varric's notes for his story, noticing something about a "belt buckle of righteousness." It fortells the future of Sebastian's pants, and burns its expression into sinners. Of course, the pants one is Varric's favorite; it has more pathos.
- Isabela finally lets us know why she doesn't wear pants: Because she doesn't have to clean toxic goo off of them when she's finished.
- One of Isabela's combat dialogue lines never ceases to amuse: "If we kill them, we get their stuff!" Isabela is a girl with very clear priorities.
- Silly!Hawke's snarky response to Pol's apparent terror at seeing Merrill:
"Merrill couldn't hurt you if she tried! At worst she'd make frowny faces."
- Also, in that same scene, Silly!Hawke calling out to Pol:
"Whoever you are, come out. You don't need to hide. Unless you're dragon, then you can keep on hiding."
- Fenris and Aveline during Legacy:
Fenris: Donnic tells me you have spoken of children.
Aveline: You two talk too much.
Fenris: I picture a red headed brood, each able to lift a cow.
- Tallis' many attempts to get the key during the party. She's having an 'off day.'
- Equally hilarious is Hawke's idle chatter with people passing by during these attempts. They start off... questionable... but quickly grow ridiculous.
Hawke: Avoid the cheese plate!
- Additionally, the stories that Hawke and Tallis come up with to try and get the keys in the first place are just outrageous. Seeing Hawke pretend to be an airheaded noble by claiming that the garnishes on the canapes are just scandalous or squeeing that they simply must meet the gardener who arranged the azaleas will leave you rolling, and wondering whether or not s/he has been taking bullshit lessons from Varric in their spare time.
- It gets even better if you go for the naturally "sarcastic" lines, because Hawke decides the only way to act like a noble is to be as outrageous as possible. S/he claims that a Fereldan bann is wearing the same outfit as him/her and must change immediately, or freaks out pretending to be stung by a bee, and says if s/he dies, tell the world s/he died at Cheateau Haine, screaming all that out hammily while the camera makes an appropriate pan and super dramatic music plays in the background.
- And the guards always remain stoic and take Hawke and Tallis' stories seriously, or at least appear to be. One gets the impression that they deal with this kind of behavior from nobles all the time and they're just really good at keeping a straight face.
- There's also Seneschal Bann, whose ... companion... is a flirtatious, very deep-voiced elven "lass". Tallis even mutters, "Awkward!"
- That dialogue is actually bugged. It's supposed to play out if Hawke's visited the Blooming Rose before, with the extra dialogue of Serendipity greeting Hawke as honey badger and saying that Hawke is so popular at the Blooming Rose. Perfect! Isabela would be proud.
- Also from Mark of the Assassin, if you have Isabela in the party, you pass some cursed statues that require a captain to return them to flesh... unfortunately all they have available is Isabela.
Statue: Yo, ho!
Isabela: What did you just call me?
- At the end you interrupt an Orlesian plot against the Qunari with your appearance. The Big Bad turns to face you and hands off the scroll of confidential information, thinking it's to his lackey but not looking at them, rather focusing on you. Thus he didn't realize that he just handed the scroll containing the names of all Qunari agents to Tallis.
- The best part of this is that Tallis is barely even onscreen, so you might not even realize she's there at first. And even better, she's wearing a guard's helmet, on top her...rather light armor.
- During the stealth section of the DLC, you encounter a room full of guards with a Sergeant Rock bawling them out, telling them to stay on their toes. Because this is war. Because if they smell even the slightest hint of weakness, those nobles will descend upon them and rend them to pieces. And wear their skins as fashionable accessories. So they must remain constantly aware and watchful. All this is going on as Hawke sneaks by in the background.
- Bringing Merrill and Fenris along. Their commentary is hilarious, especially when Hawke and Tallis get captured, and they're running through the halls trying to find them.
Fenris: Not another word.
Merrill: All right then. Maybe I can hum? Or whistle?
- The Duke's party provides plenty of good moments. Comtesse de Launcet has different dialogue depending on whether you've completed her son's quest (see above). If the quest is done during Act III, Teagan will tell you you're the spitting image of the Champion of Kirkwall... before realizing you are the Champion of Kirkwall. He also drops a nod to the Leliana's Song DLC by advising you not to bring up the Chantry or... knickers... in front of Bann Perrin.
- Also in Mark of the Assassin, near the Andraste's Mantle is the skeleton of someone apparently crushed by a giant cheese wheel.
- There is also an Alpha Genlock shield in Legacy with a cheese wheel impaled on one of the spikes. How that got there is anyone's guess.
- The Chanter's Board in Kirkwall includes one notice with a picture of a cheese wheel.
- The cheese in Gamlen's house, which stays in the same place for ten straight years.
- Snarky-Hawke: It looks like the Duke...has fallen from grace.
- Tallis luring out a wyvern by splashing blood on herself and mimicking a nug-call. And a wyvern mating cry. While dancing. The caption while she does this is the icing on the cake:
- Much of Mark of the Assassin is very funny, but Duke Prosper of all people had this:
- Varric finally gives Hawke a nickname in Mark of the Assassin. Aggressive!Hawke is Killer, Snarky!Hawke is Chuckles and Diplomatic!Hawke is...Waffles.
- When your two companions come along to rescue Hawke and Tallis from prison Merrill (being Merrill) has this gem
Merril: Ooh, I've never been in a prison before. Was it exciting? Did you shank someone?
- More random party banter between Aveline and Isabela in the third act. Isabela brings up Donnic being sighted near the Blooming Rose, and Aveline vehemently denies it. Isabela then has this gem to say.
Isabela: Are there...other areas of intimacy that you haven't explored?
Aveline: Why? Why do you give me these doubts?
Isabela: Aveline. If you shove your thumb up his ass, I win.
- The real kicker, though, is Merrill's reaction if she's in the party when Isabela says that.
- All of the other party members have some variation of that reaction. Except Varric.
Varric: Ah, that old chestnut.
- The reaction various party members have when they learn that wyvern venom is valuable because Orlesians make liquor out of it.
- They do more than react. Later, Tallis recommends everyone try it at the party, they'll be seeing purple dragons for days. Carver either as a Templar or Warden knows what it tastes like already, while an Act I Carver is curious, only to be shot down by Hawke. Varric knows its price on the black market offhand. And when Bethany questions whether or not someone would want to be "sick for days", Hawke corrects her and says it's more "delirious." Think about it.
- Party banter in Mark of the Assassin reaches a hilarious peak. Highlights include:
- Merrill teasing Anders about Dalish celebrations and human sacrifices.
- Anders collecting a debt with Isabela, who returns that he was cheating. His response is that she was too.
- Anders trying to weasel out of a debt with the Coterie. Apparently, there's a bounty on his right ear, and someone wants to make a hat from ears. He even spoke to a haberdasher.
- Carver questions whether or not he can trick Gamlen into joining the Qun.
- Sebastian is happy that Isabela listened to a sister reading the Chant of Light. Isabela only did that because she got the special for naughty girls who'd been bad at the Blooming Rose.
- Isabela tells Fenris of her first mate, Casavir, whom she really liked. Fenris asked if he, like the rest of her crew, was deceased, but Isabela replied that he wasn't, she just left the "idiot" on the docks in Val Chevin.
- Isabela finds Gamlen exceedingly inappropriate and asks Hawke to get him to leave her alone. Hawke replies that she's perfectly capable of handling Gamlen. Isabela asks Aveline, and she says to beat him up. And wear pants.
- If Snarky!Hawke is romancing Isabela, we get this instead:
Hawke: I could talk to him, but it's funnier this way.
Hawke: You have pretty eyes.
- Carver asks Varric how he could stand Bartrand for as long as he did. The answer: Blackmail material for life.
- Aveline and Isabela continue to bicker. Snarky-Hawke cheers for a Cat Fight.
- Bethany asks Isabela if pirates have parties. Isabela recalls a time a keg was cracked open... when they hung a pirate from the prow over shark infested waters with his belly slit open. Good beer, though.
- Merrill is worried she'll use the wrong fork at a party, and then stab someone with it. Sebastian advises her to act annoyed that they bleed on her dress.
- "Ghast hole" makes Isabela giggle. A little later, you'll come across magic-wielding ghasts wearing enormous, ridiculous hats - thus making them "ghast hats". Isabela notes this immediately.
- To help Bethany transition to the Circle, Isabela sends her letters and books full of the dirtiest stories imaginable.
- Aveline wonders why a Templar Carver was sent to the Duke's party. Carver remarks it's the closest thing to diplomacy Meredith does.
- Merrill asks Tallis how she and Isabela throw knives in that cool, spinny way without hitting someone in the nose with the hilt. Tallis tell her it actually happens all the time, and you have to pretend you meant to do that.
- This is made even better by how in Inquisition Sera throws a knife that hits someone hilt first and as that person asks what the point of that was she interrupts him with a kick in the nuts.
- Tallis question Hawke about whether any advantages come with being the Champion.
Tallis: So... Champion Of Kirkwall. Fancy title.
Hawke: 'The Only One In Kirkwall Not Completely Insane' was considered.
Tallis: So do you get a stipend? Do they let you rule the city or something?
Hawke: They gave me a medal. It's very shiny.
- After your first run-in with the ghasts, you get this exchange if Anders is in your party. It's his tone that sells it - you can actually hear how proud of the line he is.
Tallis: They don't come out on the surface much, though.
Anders: Maybe they were out gathering hunters?
- Fenris' attempt to get Hawke to stop involving him/herself in so many other people's affairs goes on a weird tangent with a Snarky!Hawke.
Fenris: You are too willing to involve yourself in the affairs of others, Hawke. Each time you put yourself at risk. One day you will not be so lucky.
Hawke: You have a better idea?
Fenris: Guard what you have. Keep your head low.
Hawke: Like a dragon! Guarding my treasure hoard.
Fenris: That's not what I meant.
Hawke: Shall I eat passersby? Maybe I can demand virgin sacrifices.
Fenris: Even dragons are eventually slain, Hawke.
- One with Varric after being attacked by ghasts.
Varric: Watch it. Ghast-hole.
Hawke: A 'what' hole?
Varric: A scholar might call it something else, but they don't know their ghasts from a hole in the ground.
Aveline: I'm going to hit him. I'll do it.
Fenris: That one actually hurt.
Hawke: Why do you bad-touch words like that?
- After being captured and waiting for your hopelessly lost party members to rescue you in Mark of the Assassin, Tallis gets fed up with waiting and unlocks the cell. And of course the rest of your party shows up right after you and Tallis managed to rescue yourselves.
- When drinking a potion in the middle of battle, Varric will sometimes yell this. Leave it to him to ask the important questions:
Varric: Does this stuff have side effects?!
- And then there's Isabela's comment:
Isabela: And they say drinking never solves anything.
- When arriving for the final battle against Duke Prosper in Mark of the Assassin, the Duke will remark on his lack of surprise at Hawke showing up. Snarky!Hawke has this reply:
Hawke: I have an excellent sense of dramatic timing. And good hair.
- In Mark of the Assassin, there's this exchange between a romanced Anders and Hawke after Hawke and Tallis escape from the Duke's dungeons.
Anders: Here I always figured you'd be the one coming to spring me from someone's dungeon. I had it all planned. I'd be in the Gallows, Templars all around holding the brand for the Rite of Tranquility. Then you'd burst in and break my chains. And then it would be all about the best way to show my gratitude.
Hawke: Then I should spend some time working out how to thank you.
Tallis: Not to come between you two or anything, but...you didn't actually rescue us. I did.
Anders: It's the thought that counts!
- Making this conversation even funnier is Hawke possibly suggesting finding another use for the chains and Fenris yelling at them to get a room.
- Isabela's unnecessary reminder for Hawke to rob the dead.
Isabela: Don't forget to loot the bodies.
Hawke: Do I ever?
- In Act I, you can have Varric disarm the confrontation with Feynriel's kidnappers in the most outlandish way possible.
- In the quest "Following the Qun" in Act II, have Silly!Hawke go to the Chantry alone. After the last cutscene Hawke walks out of the Chantry and delivers a hilarious monologue.
- In Legacy, if you bring Varric and a romanced Anders along with a Silly!Hawke, you might hear this conversation:
Anders: I've tried to forget about this side of myself. Justice is... so strong, sometimes the Wardens seem insignificant. But seeing that poor bastard [Larius] brings it all back. The darkspawn taint, the call of the Archdemon... it's inside me, as much a part of me as Justice.
Hawke: Ooh, baby. Tell me more.
Anders: You should find someone else, love. You don't want all the ugliness I'm going to bring into your life.
Hawke: (cheerfully) Nobody's perfect.
Varric: I've got to hand it to you, Blondie. You make that work every time.
- Legacy is full of hilarious conversations.
- Also from Legacy, Hawke has some fun dialogue with Varric.
Hawke: When you tell people about our escape from Lothering, why do you make it sound like I've got food all over my face?
Varric: You're larger than life, Hawke! I had to give you a few flaws, just to make you approachable.
Hawke: Did you just call me fat?
Varric: Yes. That's pretty much how I tell it. "Hawke rolled into the fray like a gigantic pudding, covered in gravy."
Snarky!Hawke: Does it have to be gravy? How about chocolate?
Varric: Everybody's a critic.
- This bit, if you romance Anders as Lady Hawke:
Gamlen: I hear you moved that apostate boy into your house. You really are your mother's daughter.
- Silly!Hawke's report of Ninette's fate to Emeric:
Emeric: These are human bones. (sigh) Then there is no chance of finding Mharen alive - or any of the others.
Hawke: If they're not dead, watch out for a bunch of boneless women flopping through the streets.
- Varric in general.
Varric: You can't miss the Keep. It practically screams "Nothing fun ever happens here."
- On entering the Foundry District in Lowtown:
Varric: (sarcastically) Oh right, the rusty metal spike district! My favorite part of town! Can we go now?
Merrill: Do your stories ever have griffons in them?
Varric: Kind of tricky because they're extinct. You can work a griffon attack into a town but it takes skill.
Merrill: I was thinking more like... heroic griffons. The sort that swoop in and save the day.
Varric: I could do heroic charging, though. You want me to call him "Feathers"?
Merrill: Yes! And make him extra fluffy!
Snarky!Hawke: Manners, Varric. Introduce me to your lunatic friend.
Varric: Hawke, this is Gerav. He's a greedy, brilliant, bastard son-of-a-nug from the Carta. Gerav, this is Hawke, the one whose blood you want to drink or bathe in or whatever. But if you're after eternal youth, I've got to tell you, s/he's no virgin.
Varric: So! We're taking the crazy ghoul at his word? Sounds like fun!
- During the Deep Roads Expedition:
Varric: Andraste's ass, dwarves actually lived down here? On purpose? What in blazes for?
I am getting truly sick of looking at stalagmites. Or is it stalactites? Shit, I don't know.
I will not be sorry to see daylight
- During Mark of The Assassin:
Cassandra: The elf was Qunari?
Varric: And the dwarf has no beard! I know, it made no sense to me, either. Perhaps they cut off her horns?
- Sebastian's companion quest, "Faith", in Act III:
Hawke: Mage this, Templar that, is there anywhere in Kirkwall people don't talk about this?
Varric: No, and I've looked, believe me. Even the rats in Darktown are following this mess.
Merrill: Really? Which side are they on?
Varric: About a third support the templars, a third are pro-mage, and the rest support more cheese on both sides.
Sebastian: The last time the mages rebelled against the Chantry, they ended up ruling Tevinter. Should we just ignore them?
Anders: Well, if it's not too much trouble...
Leliana: The Divine has always suspected that Kirkwall's problems were spurred by an outside group.
Anders: Like any mage with a brain can't come up with "Let's rebel"?
Varric: To be fair, Blondie, a lot of those 'rebellions' boil down to, "Let's feed ourselves to demons!" Outside help of the planning variety might be required.
- During the mission to escort Saarebas, when confronted by Arvaraad, if Hawke is a Rogue/Warrior and the party contains Anders, Merrill and Bethany, choosing the option to support the Mages, you're treated to all three of them commenting on their magical abilities. Cue one massive Oh Crap! from Arvaraad, who suddenly realises just how many Mages he's actually dealing with.
- Anders' response to Bertrand's question about where Hawke got the map to the Deep Roads.
- When the Arishok finally snaps at Hawke and co. about how it's not his job to fix their mess, his two guards share a very small, knowing look: "Uh-oh, the boss is having one of those days again..."
- Among the lines Carver can say when detecting traps, from "Someone left us a present" and "Need your little brother for that?", there's also a puzzled "Since when can I do that?" thrown in the midst.
- Digging through the dialogue files yields a few utterly bizarre Easter Egg lines, apparently recorded solely for the funzies. They must truly be heard to be believed.
"I'LL EAT YOUR TOES!"
"BEST POTION EVER!"
"REGROUP! RECOUP! PEA SOUP!"
"GOT MY FACE BAAAAACK!"
"WHO RIDES THE PALE HORSE NOOOOOW?!"
"THEY WANT MY EARS! DON'T LET THEM GET MY EARS!"
- The following has to be the most hilarious sentence ever uttered by mankind;
"There's a DONKEY in the SPOON DRAWER!"
- Snarky!Hawke explaining the situation to Corypheus as though he were a child;
Snarky!Hawke: You're a darkspawn. Daaaark-spaaaaawn. Ravaging the Deep Roads, spreading the Blight, does any of this ring a bell?
- In Mark of the Assassin, Hawke affecting an outrageous Orlesian accent and joking about trying it out at the party.
- Slightly more amusing with a male Hawke, since this takes place right after dealing with Baron Arlange... who's also voiced by Nicholas Boulton.
- During the Act III quest to find Nathaniel Howe, when agreeing to help Nathaniel to search for the rest of the Wardens, Sebastian has this to say.
Sebastian: Crawling through blight-infested tunnels, rescuing Wardens in peril. This is what I signed on for.
- Just another one of Silly!Hawke's brilliant lines. It's the giddiness with which they say it. The Magistrate's response, dripping with Face Palm, is just the icing on the cake:
Magistrate Vanard: I was looking for someone with your... "special talents".
Silly!Hawke: I'm guessing you don't mean my ability to juggle small rodents while humming Orlesian ballads.
Magistrate Vanard: If that is your greatest skill, then I have been misinformed... I need somebody with muscle, not... whatever you were just describing...
- It's the little shake of his head that really sells it.
- Merrill's taunts are hilarious (they can be heard at 24:15, 24:40 and 24:50):
Merrill: Hello, Iím Merrill, and Iíll be your distraction!
Merrill: Iím going to taunt you in elvish now! Durgenílen! Aravel! Vallaslin! note
Merrill: Over here you... you... vile, mean... thing!
- At the beginning of Repentance, Sebastian's Act II companion quest, Varric gets downright meta.
Sebastian: Hawke? We were just talking about you.
Hawke: Saying good things, I hope. / Carry on. I love to eavesdrop. / Is the Flint Company bothering you again?
Varric: "Hawke asked diplomatically." / "Hawke asked sarcastically." / "Hawke asked aggressively."
Hawke: You know I hate it when you do that.
Varric: "Hawke muttered in an angry aside to the dwarf..."
- Bring Fenris along for "Gamlen's Greatest Treasure". Apparently, he doesn't like fish.
Fish, fish and more fish. Pfaugh!
Let's look for those crates.
- The conclusion to that quest can have Snarky!Hawke give this comment.
Hawke: You know, she looks nothing like you. Thank the Maker for small miracles!
: Really. I... Hey!
- After one of the first fights in Legacy, Silly!Hawke has this remark:
Hawke: I'd like to know who this Corypheus is. With a name like that he's bound to go "mwa-ha-hah!" at some point, I just know it.
- If you take Merrill and Fenris along for Legacy, she finally gets to fire back at him, in the same sweet tone of voice she almost always uses.
Fenris: So. Still not an abomination, I see.
Merrill: Let me see. Not deformed. Not crazy. Not attacking everyone. Yep, I think I'm good!
- If Legecy is completed in Act III and Carver is a Gray Warden, he and Hawke discuss the current state of their lives. It's one of the few times Aggressive!Hawke is funnier than Snarky!Hawke.
- Mark of the Assassin had a really funny moment between Hawke, Varric, and Isabela:
Varric: Our little Hawke is growing up, Rivaini.
Isabela: I know! Burglary and espionage! I'm so proud of him right now, I could burst!
Varric: Soon, he'll be sharking card games and swindling merchants all on his own! Brings a tear to my eye!
Snarky!Hawke: Everything I know about being a scoundrel, I learned from you two.
Isabela: I think I'm going to cry. Look at me! I'm getting misty-eyed!
- Nothing like everyone's favorite pirate queen to make these remarks in Mark of the Assassin:
Isabela: Wait- I'm helping the Qunari recover some priceless artifact? Oh, the irony.
- There's a way to make things easier during the final boss fight against Duke Prosper's pet wyvern. The trick? A sidequest while in his castle's kitchen where one can mix up a recipe for food that will give his wyvern the runs. It also stuns it for 10 seconds when the fight starts!
- Some of Aggressive!Hawke's comments are just so unbelievably anti-social, it's hilarious. For example, this little gem after Anders' first quest and his explanation about Justice:
Aggressive!Hawke: I'm interested in your Deep Roads maps, not a diatribe on your strange personal habits.
- Likewise with Fenris, who snarks back.
Aggressive!Hawke: Don't you have anything positive to say?
The wine was tasty?
- The battle shouts are an eclectic mix, most of them just snarking at each other. Hilariously, most of them are screaming their lines, but Fenris has the same tone of vague interest that you'd use when commenting on the weather.
Aveline: The moody mage is down.
Merrill: Ugh, can someone pick up Fenris, please?
Carver: The dwarf has dropped a few more feet!
Isabela: Merrill! Oh, blood mages are so dramatic.
Sebastian: MAAAAAAAAAAN DOWWWWWWWWWN!
Merrill: Varric, if you are faking, I will strangle you.
- You can have this conversation with a Dalish elf.
You do not belong here, shemlen
Snarky!Hawke: What about my—Dear Maker! Where did my self-righteousness and pointy ears go?
- During the wyvern hunt in Mark of the Assassin:
Tallis: Is that... wyverns mating?
Hawke: Could we mimic that?
Tallis: No! Oh, the sound. Right, yes, I can try that.
- More Legacy banter:
Merrill: How come you never get lost?
Hawke: I do, sometimes.
Merrill: I've never seen it! Everybody follows you, and you always seem to know where you're going.
Hawke: What about that time I led us in circles around the Wounded Coast for three hours?
Merrill: Oh! I thought you were just admiring the view! It was a lovely day, at least!
- Isabela and Aveline in the Blooming Rose in Act 1.
Isabela: The difference between whores and courtesans is... well, they have nicer shoes.
Aveline: I think your shoes are fine.
- This bit when Hawke attempts a Bavarian Fire Drill.
Merrill: But there really isn't a fire is there?