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Funny: Dogma
  • Bethany's conversation with Janeane Garofalo in the abortion clinic.
    Bethany: They hate me more than they hate you. You've got an excuse, you don't know any better.
    Liz: Can't. We already used that one when we killed Jesus.
    • And:
      Bethany: You're saying I need to get filled?
      Liz: In more ways than one. You need to get laid, Bethany Sloane, if only for ten minutes.
      Bethany: It's been my experience that the average man is never a man, not even for ten minutes.
  • Liz saying "Holy shit, it's the Pope!" to distract the protesters outside the clinic.
  • The board meeting. "'But I do believe in this!' What does that even mean??"
    • "But you didn't say 'God bless you' when I sneezed ..."
  • The Metatron's retelling of how Loki and Bartleby got kicked out of heaven.
  • Absolutely anything out of Metatron's mouth that isn't a Heartwarming Moment or Moment of Awesome.
    • "Good Lord. The little stoner's got a point."
    • "Anyone who isn't dead or from another plane of existence would do well to cover their ears...right about now."
    • "Tell someone you're the Metatron and they stare at you blankly. Mention something out of a Charleton Heston movie and suddenly everyone's a theology scholar."
    • "Oh, Bartleby, was Wisconsin really that bad?"
    • "Give over, I couldn't rape you even if I wanted to. Angels are ill-equipped—see? I'm as anatomically impaired as a Ken doll."
    • "I say we get drunk, 'cause I'm all out of ideas."
    • "I'm pissed off, is what I am! Do you go around drenching everybody that comes into your room with flame-retardant chemicals? No wonder you're single."
      • Thus starts Metatron's running gag of getting gunk all over his suit.
      Metatron: (after God explodes Bartleby's head) You missed a bit...(brushes off suit)
    • "Metatron acts as the voice of God. Any documented occasion when some yahoo claims God has spoken to them, they're speaking to me. Or they're talking to themselves."
    • "We went through five Adams before we figured that one out."
    • [Bethany is holding a baseball bat] "Or you'll do what, exactly? Hit me with that ffffffffiiiish? [Cut to Bethany holding a fish like the baseball bat]
    Metatron: I am a Seraphim.
    [Bethany looks confused]
    Metatron: The highest choir of angels?!
    [Bethany still doesn't get it]
    Metatron: You DO know what an angel is, don't you?
    [Bethany slowly nods]
  • Bethany asking Silent Bob why he carries an odor-killing spray bottle. He points to Jay, who has just farted.
  • Most of Bartleby and Loki, but a particularly good one is:
    Loki: Let it never be said that your anal-retentive attention to detail never yielded positive results.
    Bartleby: You can't be anal-retentive if you don't have an anus.
    • Uncomfortable Elevator Moment meets Funny Moment:
      Loki: Last four days on earth, huh? If I had a dick, I'd go get laid. But we can do the next best thing.
      Bartleby: What's that?
      Loki: Let's kill people.
      Loki: (Cheerfully) Oh no, not you.
  • Serendipity telling off Azrael: "Elvis was an artist! That's why he's the King, and you're a schmuck!"
  • Jay's Late to the Punchline moment.
    "Hahahaha, Holy Bartender, I get it! That's a great one!"
  • "No pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater than central air."
  • "BEAUTIFUL, NAKED, BIG-TITTIED WOMEN DON'T JUST FALL OUT OF THE SKY, YOU KNOW!"
  • Silent Bob's Bond One-Liner:
  • Metatron and Bethany in the Mexican place:
    Metatron: I'm to charge you with a holy crusade.
    Bethany: Uh, for the record? I work in an abortion clinic.
    Metatron: Noah was a drunk, look what he accomplished. And no one's asking you to build an ark.
  • Jay and Rufus:
    Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone on the planet!
    Jay: Everybody knows that! Tell me something nobody knows.
    Rufus: When you do it, you're thinking about guys.
    Silent Bob: (looks askance at Jay)
    Jay: Dude, not all the time!
  • Jay's massive rant at the climax is side-splitting from start to end, but peaks with his angry shout of "WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THAT GUY'S HEAD!?!" Witness it here.
    • And then the power of God's kiss overwhelms Jay so much that he passes out.
  • Loki's Establishing Character Moment in the opening when he tells a nun how Alice in Wonderland is responsible for his lack of faith in religion due to him seeing the story of the Walrus and the Carpenter as a commentary on the subject, the two representing the deities of the earth who fool the oysters into following them before they shuck and eat them. Funny because as ridiculous as it is, his explanation sorta makes sense — indeed, the idea of the poem as an attack by Lewis Carrol on religion is a common theory bandied about when the symbolism of the piece is discussed.
    • Especially the conversation that Bartleby and Loki have afterwards (paraphrased):
    Bartleby: "You have been in God's presence. He has spoken to you personally. Yet I just heard you claim to be an atheist."
  • The diner conversation when Jay and Silent Bob think Bethany is going to sleep with them.
    Jay: "So do you do anal? Is it true that chicks fart when you blast them in the ass?"
  • The Wheaties-like cereal Hosties in the background of the scene in Glick's office. It even has a picture of Jesus posing how athletes do on Wheaties boxes!
  • Also from the office scene:
    Rufus: We were sent by Him who is called I Am!
    Glick: Cute. Playtime with the cardinal's over.
    Rufus: (stumped) Worked for Moses.
  • After Jay accidentally makes Bethany realize that John Doe Jersey is really God, trapped in human form:
    JAY: (with his pants down) What am I supposed to do [to stall Bartleby]
    BETHANY: Think of something!
    JAY: I already did, but it takes two of us!
  • George Carlin as a priest!!!
  • Metatron beginning to wipe Bartleby's remains from his coat with a fold of God's dress and then stops, realising what he is doing, all the while God just stares at him blankly.
  • The scene where Azrael tells off the Stygian Triplets for failing to kill Bethany. The fact he doesn't even sound angry, just annoyed and disappointed, and the way the triplets react, makes it more like a dad telling off his kids for breaking a window while playing soccer. And, at the end of that scene, the way the triplets react when Azrael talks about summoning the Golgothan.
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