- Before the movie even starts, we have a foreword by Kevin Smith explaining that his intention wasn't to bash Catholicism or religion, but to somehow find humor in it, and that it wasn't his intention to offend anyone. He then goes on to say that he knows God has a sense of humor, citing the existence of the platypus as an example. The audience is then treated to a meandering apology to platypus supporters for the previous joke.
- Bethany's conversation with Janeane Garofalo in the abortion clinic.
Bethany: They hate me more than they hate you. You've got an excuse, you're Jewish, you don't know any better.
Liz: Can't. We already used that one when we killed Jesus.
Bethany: You're saying I need to get filled?
Liz: In more ways than one. You need a man, Bethany Sloane, if only for ten minutes.
Bethany: It's been my experience that the average male is never a man, not even for ten minutes.
Liz: Uh-oh – that sounds militant. You thinking of joining the other side?
Bethany: Couldn’t do it. Women are insane.
Liz: Then you need to go back to church and ask God for a third option.
- Liz saying "Holy shit, it's the Pope!" to distract the protesters outside the clinic.
- The board meeting. "'But I do believe in this!' What does that even mean??"
- "But you didn't say 'God bless you' when I sneezed ..."
- The Metatron's retelling of how Loki and Bartleby got kicked out of heaven.
- Absolutely anything out of Metatron's mouth that isn't a Heartwarming Moment or Moment of Awesome.
Metatron: I am a Seraphim.
[Bethany looks confused]
Metatron: The highest choir of angels?!
[Bethany still doesn't get it]
Metatron: You DO know what an angel is, don't you?
[Bethany slowly nods]
- Also special note goes to Metatron's entrance.
Metatron: [ball of fire appears] Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty, and voice of the one true God. [...] Behold the Metatron, herald of the Almighty, and voice of the one true Go-
Bethany sprays him with fire extinguisher
Metatron: Sweet Jesus! Do you have to use the whole can?
- Bethany asking Silent Bob why he carries an odor-killing spray bottle. He points to Jay, who has just farted.
- Most of Bartleby and Loki, but a particularly good one is:
Loki: Let it never be said that your anal-retentive attention to detail never yielded positive results.
Bartleby: You can't be anal-retentive if you don't have an anus.
- Uncomfortable Elevator Moment meets Funny Moment:
Loki: Last four days on earth, huh? If I had a dick, I'd go get laid. But we can do the next best thing.
Bartleby: What's that?
Loki: Let's kill people.
Loki: (Cheerfully) Oh no, not you.
- Serendipity telling off Azrael: "So you were an artist, big deal! Elvis was an artist! But that didn't stop him from joining the service in time of war. That's why he's the King, and you're a schmuck!"
- Jay's Late to the Punchline moment.
"Hahahaha, Holy Bartender, I get it! That's a great one!"
- "No pleasure, no rapture, no exquisite sin greater than central air."
- "BEAUTIFUL, NAKED, BIG-TITTED WOMEN DON'T JUST FALL OUT OF THE SKY, YOU KNOW!"
- Silent Bob's Bond One-Liner:
- Metatron and Bethany in the Mexican place:
Metatron: I'm to charge you with a holy crusade.
Bethany: Uh, for the record? I work in an abortion clinic.
Metatron: Noah was a drunk, look what he accomplished. And no one's asking you to build an ark.
- Jay and Rufus:
Rufus: You masturbate more than anyone on the planet!
Jay: Everybody knows that! Tell me something nobody knows.
Silent Bob: (looks askance at Jay)
Jay: Dude, not all the time!
- Jay's massive rant at the climax is side-splitting from start to end, but peaks with his angry shout of "WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THAT GUY'S HEAD!?!" Witness it here.
- And then the power of God's kiss overwhelms Jay so much that he passes out.
- Loki's Establishing Character Moment in the opening when he tells a nun how Alice in Wonderland is responsible for his lack of faith in religion due to him seeing the story of the Walrus and the Carpenter as a commentary on the subject, the two representing the deities of the earth who fool the oysters into following them before they shuck and eat them. Funny because as ridiculous as it is, his explanation sorta makes sense — indeed, the idea of the poem as an attack by Lewis Carroll on religion is a common theory bandied about when the symbolism of the piece is discussed.
- Especially the conversation that Bartleby and Loki have afterwards (paraphrased):
Bartleby: "You have been in God's presence. He has spoken to you personally. Yet I just heard you claim to be an atheist."
- The diner conversation when Jay and Silent Bob think Bethany is going to sleep with them.
Jay: "So do you do anal? Is it true that chicks fart when you blast them in the ass?"
- The Wheaties-like cereal Hosties in the background of the scene in Glick's office. It even has a picture of Jesus posing how athletes do on Wheaties boxes!
- Also from the office scene:
Rufus: We were sent by Him who is called I Am!
Glick: Cute. Playtime with the cardinal's over.
Rufus: (stumped) Worked for Moses.
- After Jay accidentally makes Bethany realize that John Doe Jersey is really God, trapped in human form:
JAY: (with his pants down) What am I supposed to do [to stall Bartleby]
BETHANY: Think of something!
JAY: I already did, but it takes two of us!
- Also during the battle, Silent Bob randomly whacks Bartleby with a folding chair to try and stop him- obviously it's a No Sell moment, and for a couple of seconds you can see Bartleby looking at Bob like "Really."
- George Carlin as a priest!!!
- "The Buddy Christ!"
- That weird, cartoonish expression he makes when he says "I beg your pardon?"
- Metatron beginning to wipe Bartleby's remains from his coat with a fold of God's dress and then stops, realizing what he is doing, all the while God just stares at him blankly.
- The scene where Azrael tells off the Stygian Triplets for failing to kill Bethany. The fact he doesn't even sound angry, just annoyed and disappointed, and the way the triplets react, makes it more like a dad telling off his kids for breaking a window while playing soccer. And, at the end of that scene, the way the triplets react when Azrael talks about summoning the Golgothan.
- Also from Azrael, when he's talking to Bartleby & Loki in the discount store: "Because you're pissing people off, that's why!"
- With a touch of Fridge Brilliance and Shown Their Work, Rufus's "Christ told me the secrets of the resurrection once. I don't know, we at this wedding in Cana...and I got drunk and forgot it!"
- During Bartleby's Nightmare Fuel Jumping Off the Slippery Slope Villainous Breakdown, he starts ranting about "dispatching our would-be dispatcher." This prompts Loki, the angel of death to freak out and then ask "I mean, what about Jay and Bob? Those guys were all right!"
- During the bar scene: "Holy shit, Silent Bob's an instrument of God!?"