Justin decides to become a cheerleader to win the love of the woman he loves. The plan is bound to fail from the start when he is chosen to lift Martha Johnstone, an obese cheerleader who immediately flirts with Justin and reveals she is not wearing underwear. Try to guess what happens next...
Most of the movie. Patches, Steve, and White tend to generate these constantly.
Patches: "You're about as useful as a cock-flavored lollipop!"
In the theatrical edit, he says, "poopie-flavored lollipop," which is just as funny (and gross).
Patches:(to Gordon, during the training exercises) "You couldn't hit water if you fell out of a boat!"
"If you can dodge traffic, you can dodge a ball."
"If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball."
"Who's Steve the Pirate?"
"The only guy on our team who dresses like a pirate."
"There's a guy on our team dressed like a pirate?"
(later...) "Hey look, it's Steve the Pirate." Explanation: He doesn't recognize Steve the Pirate when he's in his pirate costume, but instead during the one time in the whole movie that he's in normal clothing.
"Fuckin' Chuck Norris."
The director stated in the DVD commentary that he wishes he had a way to have that line play on repeat all throughout his house.
Patches' inspirational speech at the end. "You can do it! I believe in you! [long beat] Bye-Bye." Just the way Rip Torn delivers it.
When the Girl Scouts get disqualified and one of them walks up to the girl who caused it and says, "God damn you, Bernice!" Bernice's Manly Tears in a deep voice adds to it.
And before that, when Peter gets tricked by a girl scout and costs the team the game. In the most deadpan manner, he tells the kid:
Peter: You're adopted. Your parents don't even love you.
After White introduces Fran to the Joes, she nails a guy across the bar room with a dodgeball.
(Average Joes walk out in bondage gear) Cotton: Oh my sweet Jesus. Pepper: That's rad.
Owen's rather strange way of trying to comfort the team after Patches was killed by two-tons of Irish irony.
Owen: Well, it was probably the way he would've wanted to go. Dwight: ... What?
Funny at the time, and either Hilarious in Hindsight or Harsher in Hindsight (or both), depending on your sensibilities, was Lance Armstrong's cameo. In light of his doping scandal, his final line of the movie seems oddly (and hilariously) prophetic.
Lance Armstrong: I thought about quitting once, back when I was diagnosed with heart, lung, and testicular cancer all at the same time... But with the love and support of my friends and family, I got back on the bike and I won the Tour de France five times in a row. But I'm sure you have a good reason to quit. So what are you dying from that's keeping you from the finals? Peter: Right now it feels a little bit like shame. Lance Armstrong: Well, I guess if a person never quit when the going got tough, they wouldn't have anything to regret for the rest of their life. But good luck to you Peter. I'm sure this decision won't haunt you forever.
Me'Shell walking in on White's strange pizza fetish (he was about to stuff a pizza down his pants).
White: What is so important that you need to interrupt me in my private reflection period?
When Kate is in White's office, she looks at the giant painting of White wrestling a bull:
White: Yeah, that's me, "taking the bull by the horns." It's how I handle my business. It's a metaphor. Kate: I get it. White: But that actually happened, though.
In the same scene, when White asks Kate out:
White:We should mate. Kate:What? White: ... Date. We should go on a date sometime. Socially. Go out and kick it. (Kate convulses) White: Are you OK? Kate: I'm fine. I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. White: You know in some cultures, they only eat vomit. I've never been there, but I've read about it, in a book.
It's even funnier once you learn that Ben Stiller and Christine Taylor are married in real life.
White: "Nobody makes me bleed my own blood. NOBODY!"
The guys decide to have a car wash to raise the $50,000... and unfortunately happen to pick a day when a competing car wash crew is right across the street: Beautiful ladies in bikinis. The guys only got one customer: A creepy guy who kept instructing Justin to wash his truck's wheels.
Guy:(rubbing his belly) That's it, boy. Get in there nice and deep, like. (the guy's Doberman barks at Justin)
The bizarre ringside commentary when Joe's faces off against the Lumberjacks:
Cotton:(regarding Kate) These woodsmen probably haven't even smelt a woman in eight months. Pepper: They must masturbate a lot, Cotton.
Gordon waves at his mail-order bride before their first match; she gives him the "L for loser" hand signal. Gordon thinks the "L" stands for "love."
"Losing with these losers in Las Vegas, LaFleur." Moreso when Peter immediately calls out White on his use of alliteration.
Dwight's idea to raise money and save Average Joe's? "We could sell blood and semen!" Steve goes "Yargh!" in a questioning tone. Dwight defends his plan: "What? Not mixed together!"
When Steve attacks a Lumberjack, he accidentally hits an audience member carrying snacks.
He mutters "What the hell" and slaps the soda out of the poor sap's hand.Dwight: That guy's a dickhead.