- Pretty much every conversation between Pox and Crypto.
Pox: If we want this invasion to run smoothly, we must identify the dominant lifeforms on this world. Those "Lactating Bovoids" are likely candidates.
Crypto: Surely you don't mean those foul-smelling gasbags beyond the fence?
Pox: Yes, I'm afraid I do.
Crypto: But they're covered in nipples!
Pox: NOW, Cryptosporidium!
- And immediately afterward.
Crypto: They eat through their mouths?!? UGH, I think I'm going to be violently ill!
- In the mission "Furon Down", Crypto is captured and awaiting autopsy when the Mad Scientist assigned to the job bursts out with this hillarious rant:
- In one mission, you must hologuise yourself as the mayor of Rockwell to tell the townsfolk that there's nothing bad going on. The voice, akin to Mayor Quimby from The Simpsons, is just hilarious when the player purposefully picks the wrong choices to say. Like, say, "Insult Audience"...
I gotta tell ya, I've seen some pretty disgusting creatures in my day, but you monkeys take the cake! In fact, all you monkeys is an insult to monkeys! how you became the dominant species of the earth is a total freakin' mystery!
- And "Enslave Populace"...
Er, um... BOW DOWN BEFORE CRYPTO! (beat) What, do I have to draw you a picture?
- And once one of the people asks you what that has to do with the destruction of the fairgrounds from the previous mission, you can pick "Tell The Truth"...
- And finally, when a female member asks why no one in Santa Modesta has experienced anything like this, pick "Feign Ignorance".
How the Hell should I know?!
- If you pick "Reassure Audience" instead...
Santa Modesta is experiencing the same problems we are; the difference is, we have that award-winning city desk over at the Rockwell Gazette, and nothing gets past those guys! They keep ME honest!
- Pox's reaction to the presidential motorcade being full of heavily armed Majestic Agents.
Look out! It's an ambush! Circle the wagons! Throw me a shotgun! Get the womenfolk inside! Oh... I really must stop watching human television. Oh screw it... DESTROY THEM ALL!
- And later:
Pox: Crypto! The human senators are meeting today to choose a new President. You must eliminate them.
Crypto: Doesn't the Vice-President take over if the President dies?
Pox: JUST SHUT UP AND KILL THOSE SENATORS!
- Some of the thoughts are just plain hilarious:
If my kitchen isn't the cleanest and shiniest in town, I'll crush ANYONE who disagrees with me... with my dainty manicured fist!
To serve and protect. To serve and protect. To serve and protect. To swerve and defect. Uh... To curve and perfect? Dammit, I lost it!
There is no God. I am God. God of smelly poopy pants.
- In the sequel, Crypto's bodysnatched a Cosmonaut on the moon to influence the Russians into rebelling against the Blisk aliens. This also becomes a Crowning Moment of Awesome when Crypto FINALLY comes up with the perfect excuse for why the monsters should be killed:
...THEY'RE TAKING AWAY YOUR VODKA!!
- In 2, one of your side missions must be carried out while your disciple Shama Lamma is advertising your cult on a radio station. If you screw up, he ends the broadcast with this:
And lastly, I'd like to thank Cryptosporadium, for being a FRICKING IDIOT!
- Perhaps the only thing Path of the Furon did right was the humor. A notable example coming from Crypto and Pox discussing this new idea about 'video games.' Pox dismissed Mario, Sonic and Halo as ridiculous ideas, and then, being the genius that he is, suggests that they should make games based on popular movies. What could go wrong?
- At the start of the last stage of Path Of The Furon, Crypto destroys a large red forcefield blocking his path with the Saucer's Death Ray. It is immediately replaced by a similar, green one.
Pox: We'll need to think of something else; you can't just shoot this one, because its green.
- Before accepting the mission "They Shoot Hippies, Don't They?", if you choose to recap the goal, this conversation occurs.
Crypto: Alright, hit me again with the part about Bongwater's blimps.
The Freak: What?
Crypto: Bongwater. He has blimps full of Revelade.
The Freak: He does? Far out!
Crypto: No- you're the one who said so! You just said he's going to cover Bay City in Revelade gas!
The Freak: Whoa...really? I said that?
Crypto: Focus, Freak! Does he or doesn't he?
The Freak: Does who what?
Crypto: Does Bongwater have Revelade blimps preparing to attack Bay City?!
The Freak: BONGWATER HAS REVELADE BLIMPS PREPARING TO ATTACK BAY CITY?!?
Crypto: ...see, kids? This is why you shouldn't do drugs.
- In Destroy All Humans 2 in the mission briefing for the Kojira mission:
Pox: I'm picking up a signal in the ocean to the south.
Crypto: Yeah? What kind of signal?
Pox: A radiation signature, emanating in gamma waves from the creature's tortured brain.
Pox: Yes. It's as if the monster is crying out, "Kill me! Kill me!"
Crypto: That's gotta be the most pathetic thing I ever heard. So, you want me to hunt down this monstrosity and put it out of its misery?
Pox: Actually, I want you to read its mind and enter it the source of its cognitive distress, so we can get it some help and over time teach it confidence and self-esteem.
Crypto: ...you've got to be kidding me.
Pox: (yelling) OF COURSE I AM, YOU MUTATION! NOW GO KILL THAT THING!
- In DAH2, as Crypto searches for hippie leader Coyote Bongwater, he meets Bongwater's girlfriend Prudence Kane at the park with other hippies. You have the option of triggering this exchange, even though it doesn't advance the game:
Crypto: Okay, simians, here's the deal: you give me Coyote Bongwater, or I toast me up some hippie s'mores! Capische?
Prudence: Whoa! We got a narc over here! (to Crypto) Hey, narc, why don't you just go back to Narc Central and narc around with the other narcs, you narc?
Crypto: Ouch, that stings!
Prudence: Just the sort of response I'd expect — from a narc!
- In one of the later missions of Destroy All Humans 2, you have to make sure the Moon Landing actually happens. Only it's not a moon landing, it's a package drop-off that just looks like a moon landing. And the astronauts really don't like each other, meaning one of the most poignant moments in human history goes... differently.
: "That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind."
Biff: "Seven months and that's the best you can come up with?"
Carl: "I thought it sounded profound."
: "PROFOUND? You wouldn't know 'profound' if it hit you over the head with a Camus novel. You're so stupid you think Merv Griffin's
a deep thinker."
Carl: "Listen mister, I'm getting tired of your lip."
Biff: "Oh yeah? And what're you gonna do about it?!"
Carl: "Pull the plug on this mission, that's what! (Speaks into radio) I'm sorry, NASA, but I cannot work with this jackass any more. (points angrily at the lander) Get in the car. Get in the car!"
[They turn and leave]