Funny / Demolition Man

  • Huxley, mistress of the malaproper.
    "You matched his meet. You really licked his ass!"
  • President Schwarzenegger Library, to begin with. He was governor already and then if the configuration of stars and stuff will be right, he might just become a President one day if the 61st Amendment is passed (as in the movie) to allow him to run.
  • Any time the swear-machine goes off, leading to... when Spartan met Cocteau in his office.
    Cocteau: Be well.
    Spartan: Be fucked.
    Machine: John Spartan, you are fined one credit for a violation of the Verbal Morality Statute
    • Spartan shoots the machine, making Associate Bob faint.
    • Spartan gets caught in a loop where every time he's issued a fine, he swears, and is issued another fine...
  • Phoenix opens a manhole and...
    "Shit! I LOVE that smell! Reminds me of biscuits and gravy!"
  • Phoenix argues with a computer about using a phaser gun when two museum guards walk up to him and try to talk to him nicely. Of course, Phoenix just shoots them. Without looking at them or pausing his conversation with the computer.
    Phoenix: So, what, it needs batteries? What size? I mean, where the fuck do you find batteries in the future?
  • The statement of a little girl that Spartan saved while blowing up a mini-mall in the process.
    Reporter: How can you justify destroying a $7 million mini mall to rescue a girl whose ransom was only $25,000?
    Girl: Fuck you, lady!
    Spartan: Good answer.
  • There's also the part where Spartan crashes in the futuristic police car.
  • And Spartan exploiting the Swear-O-Meters for toilet paper because he can't figure out those damned seashells.
    • And who else does the Swear-O-Meter catch, besides Spartan and Phoenix?
      Huxley: *muttering* Sanctimonious asshole.
      Computer: Lenina Huxley, you are fined one-half credit for a sotto voce violation of the Verbal Morality Statute.
  • Spartan, upon being informed that his uniform is torn after a fight.
    Huxley: Look at you, you're in shambles!
    Spartan: Don't worry, I can fix it. All I need is a needle and thread.
    Huxley: (nods) Oh.
    • This pays off an earlier joke that one of the cryogenic skills Spartan assimilated while frozen was knitting.
  • "You're on TV!!" *television!* Such a corny line, and yet there's nothing better you can possibly yell before smacking someone with a TV set (just ahead of "Watch this!").
  • Spartan meets Edgar Friendly face to face in the sewers and Edgar explains Cocteau's problem with him.
    Edgar: "You see, according to Cocteau's plan, I'm the enemy, 'cause I like to think; I like to read. I'm into freedom of speech and freedom of choice. I'm the kind of guy who likes to sit in a greasy spoon and wonder, "Gee, should I have the T-bone steak or the jumbo rack of barbecued ribs with the side order of gravy fries?" I WANT high cholesterol. I wanna eat bacon and butter and BUCKETS of cheese, okay? I want to smoke a Cuban cigar the size of Cincinnati in the non-smoking section. I want to run through the streets naked with green Jell-o all over my body reading Playboy magazine. Why? Because I suddenly might feel the need to, okay, pal? I've SEEN the future. Do you know what it is? It's a 47-year-old virgin sitting around in his beige pajamas, drinking a banana-broccoli shake, singing "I'm an Oscar Meyer Wiener"."
    • And the bugger beside him is this close to corpsing.
    • Made even better when you realize the entire diatribe is something right out of Denis Leary's standup routine.
  • Rob Schneider's character answering a 911 call in a Funny Foreground Event: "Greetings and salutations. Welcome to the San Angeles Emergency Line. If you would like an automated response, please press '1' now."
  • The scene where Phoenix first uses a computer. The man using it before tells the computer he feels that nobody likes him, the computer gives him spirit-lifting compliments. Then Phoenix grabbed him and pushed him out of the way, making him bump into a couple of ladies. The man Apologizes a Lot, but the women shake their heads at him as if he's the rudest person they know.
  • Finding out which fast food chain won the Franchise Wars In the American version it's Taco Bell, in international versions it was Pizza Hut.
  • Future sex. It's not as fun as the real thing.
    Huxley: You mean fluid transfer???