Funny / Dean Koontz

  • In Frankenstein: Dead and Alive, Michael and Carson pursue a couple of replicants:
    The district attorney and his wife did not pull over, of course, because Carson didn't have a siren or an array of flashing emergency beacons, because they probably knew they were not in any condition to pass a Breathalyzer test, but mostly because they were miscreations cloned in a lab by a narcissistic lunatic and were going haywire as fast as the average car would break down on the day that its warranty expired.
  • From the same book, Michael and Carson discuss how the trial of Victor Frankenstein would go, to justify their vigilantism, culminating with this:
    Carson: He's not only going to get off, he's going to end up with his own reality-TV show.
    Michael: He'll be on Dancing with the Stars.
    Carson: And he'll win.
  • Billy Pilgrim from The Darkest Evening Of The Year is an Affably Evil career killer whose choice in books ultimately reflects and influences his choices in life. He believes life has no purpose but to die (though a few moments in the course of the story make him wonder) but nonetheless often has a humorous, friendly approach even to those he's about to whack.
    He had no patience for those few books on the market that sought to find order or hope in life. He liked books steeped in irony. Wry comic novels about the folly of humanity and the meaninglessness of existence were his meat. He didn't care for writers full of brooding nihilism, but rather for those who sweetened their nihilism with giggles, the kind of guys who would be happy operating a weenie stand in Hell.

  • Ticktock in general, especially after Tommy meets Del and tries unsuccessfully to figure her out. Del is short for Deliverance Payne, a reference to her birth. Her mom is just as endearingly screwy as her. Also this:
    Tommy told Sal about the strange white-cloth figure with black stitches that he had found on the front porch.
    "Sounds like Pillsbury Doughboy gone punk," Sal said.

  • Also from Ticktock, Tommy's Inner Monologue rant during a particularly tense scene, in which he berates himself for not having gone to his mother's house for dinner earlier that evening.
  • In Mr. Murder, agents describe their perfect, genetically-engineered assassin, and why they had to program him to do normal things, like go to the movies.
    "Even if he was only going to movies, watching televisionódidn't that worry you?"
    "Look, he's supposed to be the perfect assassin. Programmed. No remorse, no second thoughts. Hard to catch, harder to kill. And if something does go wrong, he can never be traced to his handlers. He doesn't know who we are or why we want these people terminated, so he can't turn state's evidence. He's nothing, a shell, a totally hollow man. But he's got to function in society, be inconspicuous, act like an ordinary Joe, do things real people do in their spare time. If we had him sitting around hotel rooms staring at walls, maids would comment to one another, think he's weird, remember him."
  • Most conversations the Tock family has during meals in Life Expectancy.
  • The opening sentence of Dragon Tears
    Tuesday was a fine California day, full of sunshine and promise, until Harry Lyon had to shoot someone at lunch.