- "Look, Dan, I'm just as disgusted at Canada as the next person..."
- As Dan points out that the Quebecers live in Canada rather than France, he comments how geographically confused they are after pointing to England and declaring that that's where France is.
- The encounter with the yeti.
- "England and France had a baby out of wedlock, and that baby is Canada!"
- The Cold Open after one of the commercial breaks: a still image of the scenery, and Dan shouting "CANADA SUCKS!"
- Helicopter Hal in all of his Small Name, Big Ego glory, but the best of it is this:
Elise: Dan, land the helicopter and let the minor celebrity go!
Helicopter Hal: Minor celebrity?!
Dan: You really didn't know did you?
- "Quick! To the Car-mobile!" Followed by Chris pulling a Dukes of Hazzard slide across the front of the car...and landing flat on his back.
- Dan chases a kid dressed like a wookiee in "Dan Vs. the Wolfman", while Chris chases after Dan to stop him. They run past a middle-aged cop standing outside his car with a cup of coffee, about to pop a donut in his mouth. A few seconds pass, and suddenly...
Cop: Oh wait, I'm a cop! Hey!!
- (After being accosted by a gang of children) "Can't live with 'em, can't hunt 'em for sport ... "
- How Dan subdues a Salvation Armed Forces clerk:
Dan: I'm General... Anesthesia, commander-in-chief of the Salvation Armed Forces.
Clerk: Well, I have never heard of you.
Dan: Well, sure, that's because - SCORPIONS! (throws bucket of scorpions on him, causing him to scream) Oh, calm down. They only sting when you scream.
Clerk: I CAN'T STOP SCREAMIN'!
Dan: That guy knows 12 different ways to kill a man with a bell.
Chris: Wow. I only know... (makes a swinging motion) one.
- From "Art":
Chris: Museum food tastes like plastic.
Dan: Another reason why art must suffer.
- In "Dan Vs. Burgerphile", one of the cops thought Elise was Chris' nurse.
- The way the cops handle Dan chaining himself to the cash register. They ask him politely to leave, he says no, and they say they've done all they can do.
- The manager of Burgerphile wanting to avoid going back to Maryland.
- "Hey does anyone else smell smoke and hot grease? Boy, I sure hope those two don't-" restaurant bursts into flames.
- This amazing piece.
Woman: Hi Dan. I'm a supermodel, and I just moved in next door.
Dan: I DON'T CARE WHO THE IRS SENDS, I'M NOT PAYING TAXES!!!
- "I never joke about kidnapping."
- From Dan vs. New Mexico as they are eating a roadrunner Chris ran over.
Dan: Pass the ketchup.
Chris: We don't have any ketchup.
Dan makes an irritated face for 5 seconds then runs up and punts the bird (which at this point is their only source of food) as it is roasting over a campfire
- As Chris asks Dan about his revenge plot against New Mexico to break the awkward silence.
Chris: So how do you plan to-
Dan: Shut up.
- The "conversation between Dan and Chris" that takes place at Burgerphile in Dan vs. the Animal Shelter.
- Chris takes another one for the team;
Chris: Have I been poisoned?
Dan: Have you been eating my poisoned meatloaf?
Chris: Do you have more than one meatloaf?
Dan: Who has more than one meatloaf!?
- Honestly, the whole payphone exchange, including the hospital room part after between Dan, and Elise. Just watching her freak out and lose her cool, because of how insufferable and incoherent Dan is being about her husband is just hilarious.
- Dan managing to mess up his apartment again. In ten minutes. Just by sitting.
- "We're NOT going to jail, Chris! Prison, maybe."
- Actually, jail and prison are different things, with prison being the more serious of the two. So, technically, Dan is correct.
- This gem from The Barber "Becky, get my killing scissors!"
- From the pilot, Dan shoves Chris out of the car to pursue the Wolfman. He checks in various places while still inside the car, such as behind a tree, in a pond, and in some random couple's bedroom.
- Also from "The Wolfman", Chris accidentally runs over a biker with his car. He wants to stop and see if the guy is okay, but Dan doesn't want to forfeit the chase, so he convinces Chris that he saw him get up.
Ambulance Guy #1: He's definitely not okay.
Ambulance Guy #2: He won't be getting up for a long time.
- Chris, if Dan jumped off of a cliff, would you?
- A school bus full of ninjas, cheerfully singing the same song a high school football team would while on the way to the big game.
- After Dan gets thrown from Chris's car and hits his head:
Chris: Dan! Are you okay? Are you hurt?
Dan: Noggin' boppin'! I got noggin' boppin'!
Chris: Uh, if you're hurt, we should get you to a hospital.
Dan: Uh, it's just like lizards... Rainbows are natures rainbows.
Chris:Oh, man. I'm gonna find my phone and call the paramedics. (Chris's phone breaks.)
Dan: (Very seriously) No one ever returns from LOS PARAMEDICOS!
- Chris running out of a house being chased by a lady in his underpants with monster costume on for drinking out of her bathroom sink.
Chris: "It's a misunderstanding!"
- Chris's prairie madness in "George Washington".