Dan chases a kid dressed like a wookiee in "Dan Vs. the Wolfman", while Chris chases after Dan to stop him. They run past a middle-aged cop standing outside his car with a cup of coffee, about to pop a donut in his mouth. A few seconds pass, and suddenly...
Cop: Oh wait, I'm a cop! Hey!!
(After being accosted by a gang of children) "Can't live with 'em, can't hunt 'em for sport ... "
How Dan subdues a Salvation Armed Forces clerk:
Dan: I'm General... Anesthesia, commander-in-chief of the Salvation Armed Forces. Clerk: Well, I have never heard of you. Dan: Well, sure, that's because - SCORPIONS! (throws bucket of scorpions on him, causing him to scream) Oh, calm down. They only sting when you scream. Clerk: I CAN'T STOP SCREAMIN'!
Dan: That guy knows 12 different ways to kill a man with a bell.
Chris: Wow. I only know... (makes a swinging motion) one.
Chris: Museum food tastes like plastic.
Dan: Another reason why art must suffer.
In "Dan Vs. Burgerphile", one of the cops thought Elise was Chris' nurse.
The way the cops handle Dan chaining himself to the cash register. They ask him politely to leave, he says no, and they say they've done all they can do.
The manager of Burgerphile wanting to avoid going back to Maryland.
"Hey does anyone else smell smoke and hot grease? Boy, I sure hope those two don't-" restaurant bursts into flames.
This amazing piece.
Woman: Hi Dan. I'm a supermodel, and I just moved in next door.
Dan: I DON'T CARE WHO THE IRS SENDS, I'M NOT PAYING TAXES!!!
"I never joke about kidnapping."
From Dan vs. New Mexico as they are eating a roadrunner Chris ran over.
Dan: Pass the ketchup.
Chris: We don't have any ketchup.
Dan makes an irritated face for 5 seconds then runs up and punts the bird (which at this point is their only source of food) as it is roasting over a campfire
As Chris asks Dan about his revenge plot against New Mexico to break the awkward silence.
Chris: So how do you plan to-
Dan: Shut up.
The "conversation between Dan and Chris" that takes place at Burgerphile in Dan vs. the Animal Shelter.
Chris takes another one for the team;
Chris: Have I been poisoned?
Dan: Have you been eating my poisoned meatloaf?
Chris: Do you have more than one meatloaf?
Dan: Who has more than one meatloaf!?
Honestly, the whole payphone exchange, including the hospital room part after between Dan, and Elise. Just watching her freak out and lose her cool, because of how insufferable and incoherent Dan is being about her husband is just hilarious.
Dan managing to mess up his apartment again. In ten minutes. Just by sitting.
Actually, jail and prison are different things, with prison being the more serious of the two. So, technically, Dan is correct.
This gem from The Barber "Becky, get my killing scissors!"
From the pilot, Dan shoves Chris out of the car to pursue the Wolfman. He checks in various places while still inside the car, such as behind a tree, in a pond, and in some random couple's bedroom.
Also from "The Wolfman", Chris accidentally runs over a biker with his car. He wants to stop and see if the guy is okay, but Dan doesn't want to forfeit the chase, so he convinces Chris that he saw him get up.
Ambulance Guy #1: He's definitely not okay.
Ambulance Guy #2: He won't be getting up for a long time.
"Chris! That is not in the holiday spirit. Now come and help me annihilate Santa."
In "The Neighbors", Dan's strategy for dealing with cannibals; "Eat them before they eat me".
Also in "The Neighbors":
Dan: You're an idiot!
Chris: You know, I enjoy these little talks of ours.
When Chris is eating the pie that Dan's neighbors gave him, Dan asks where he got the fork. He then show Dan the inside of his jacket, with pouches for a fork, knife, and spoon.
Chris thinks he gets a candy bar out of Dan stuffing him in his apartment. Turns out it's just a block of wood in a candy wrapper. Later on the roof, Dan bribes him with another candy bar. Guess what was inside.
"The Bank" had a particularly hilarious opening.
Chris: Now Dan, let's not do anything rash-
Dan: I WILL EAT YOUR CHILDREN!
Chris: Dan, that's disgusting. And impractical.
Dan manages to crack the bulletproof glass protecting the teller WITH HIS HEAD.
Also, Dan attempting to steal a pen by putting it in his pocket and running off, not realizing it's attached to a chain.
Dan's various ways of distracting the cops. One of which involves using a water gun.
Dan: YOU'LL NEVER TAKE US ALIVE, COPPERS!
Dan's "demands" when he takes Chris hostage. Among the list are rocket launchers, a helicopter with a pilot, some chestnuts, and free cable.
The closest thing that Dan's teacher can find to match Dan's anger level is an alligator with a tooth ache that is being repeatedly poked with a stick.
The car alarm.
When Dan gets home after a heist with Amber, he kicks his Foosball table. It hurts his foot, so he kicks it again.
Dan's boss in "The Boss" is easily this after it's revealed she's a demon. It could easily be something else entirely, but she's difficult to take seriously, and Dan seems to have no problem with her.
Also the fact, no just the idea, that Dan can make Holy Water. Dan can make Holy Water, Dan. I really hope I don't have to explain further.
For those unaware, Holy Water is just water blessed by a priest. So how in the hell can Dan...?
They had instructions online.
Dan in "The DMV" treating Elise badly in the first few minutes of the episode. While his attention is on Chris, he so casually pushes Elise away on the couch, and you can barely hear her say "Dan!"
Dan gets a ticket for disturbing the peace for his usual skyward scream. Really, anytime something happens during those usually deserves to be mentioned.
The pathetic look on Dan's face when he gets a ticket is hilarious.
Elise lampshading the ridiculousness of the DMV agent's story.
When BOTH Dan and Elise get Jury Duty, they do the Skyward Scream IN UNISON.
In "The Family Cruise," Chris and Elise (plus a reluctant Dan) compete against Don and Elise Sr. in various games. Chris climbs a rock wall without a harness after being promised a luau. And when the luau turns out to be a eating contest, Chris wins.
"In your face, Don!"
Elise's first interaction with the plot of "The Superhero:"
(She steps into the garage to spot Dan and Chris as Batman and Robin Expies. Chris awkwardly crosses his legs.)
Elise: (bursts into laughter).
Chris: I can explain.
Elise: (in hysterics) Actually, you know what? Never mind! I'd rather be surprised when I watch the news!