- Batgirl — Stephanie Brown. Cassandra Cain. Sparring match. Enough Said.
Spoiler: "Please? I'll be your best friend."
Batgirl: "You... wouldn't last."
Spoiler: "Try me."
- Any Batgirl and Spoiler scene is priceless.
Spoiler: You're going to have to knock me out if you want to do that.
Batgirl: -nerve strike
Stephanie: When my dad was mad at me he'd lock me in the closet—what did yours do?
Cassandra: Shot me.
(Both laugh hysterically.)
Stephanie: Oh, man. I can't beat you at anything.
- Larfleeze's many, many insane rants.
- Heck, it doesn't need to be a rant, as proven when all the dead bodies of those he has killed to create his orange construct-esque Lanterns are resurrected and surround him.
- Really, there were a lot of gems in the "Agent Orange" arc where Larfleeze made his debut that qualify, even if he wasn't at center stage. Some memorable ones include Hal Jordan temporarily falling under the evil influence of the Orange Power Battery:
Orange Power Battery: You could really go for a hamburger right now, couldn't you? Two hamburgers!
- Larfleeze to rival Orange Lantern Lex Luthor: The ring is mine! And if you ever get hair, that's mine too!
- Larfleeze in Vegas. His first encounter with a complimentary buffet:
- Also, Hal trying to properly utilize the Blue Lantern Ring, which only works if you find something to genuinely hope for:
Hal Jordan (falling out of the sky): World peace. I hope for world peace!
Blue Lantern Ring: Insincerity registered.
Hal Jordan: Dammit! *continues to fall*
- Double when the ring finally registers a sincere hope. The hope that eventually, the ring will shut up and quit asking what he hopes for.
Blue Power Ring: Sincerity Registered.
Hal: Oh you've got to be kidding me.
- ORANGE LANTERN COOKIES.
- The cover, with Glomulus wearing novelty reindeer antlers and rocking out on electric guitar!
- It's even funnier that the cookies are surprisingly tasty (if you like oranges).
- Green Arrow/Black Canary #15, from Page 13: If You Know What I Mean?◊
- Also in issue #7, when Ollie thinks he has been followed by aliens and calls in Green Lantern to help. Hal promptly discovers that the bad guys are actually humans wearing masks. When Ollie protests that it was easy for Hal to find this out, because of his power ring, Hal replies that he spotted the zippers around their necks. And though Ollie pleads with him not to tell anyone, Hal has already sent a video to the JSA, the JLA and Batman...
- From Supergirl: Cosmic Adventures in the 8th Grade: "Mother, Father, would you please be so kind as to pass the salt?"
- That whole series is a goldmine for these.
Supergirl: Ah...hey, guys. So, uh...what's going on?
: I was trying to give a big, villainous speech, but apparently you're too busy being two people
and having a horse
to let me do that.
- Most Excellent Superbat (an in-universe Japanese Batman takeoff) in Final Crisis #6:
- How rich is he? He bought Japan.
- Superman playing Santa Claus is nothing new. But Batman getting involved is something special. Also, "I suppose I should do something about that whole Middle East thing..."
- The way Black Adam discovers what his new magic word is, in one of the funniest (and greatest) things Peter J. Tomasi has ever written, in issue #6 of the Black Adam miniseries.
Teth-Adam: [in a diner] Hrm. Please prepare me one of these, "chocolate egg creams". [KRAK-OOM]
- Miss Martian of Teen Titans fame has developed an Enemy Within version of herself that demands that vengeance must be taken on the humans for cruel experiments. Miss Martian doesn't do vengeance. Puppies (we're within her mind, remember) are much nicer, so she conjures up some to attack (read: lick and play with) her evil side. A response that is implied to be a sufficient threat for keeping evil side in line in future encounters.
- In the DCU Holiday Bash II, there's an entire two page spread of Santa trying to give Darkseid a lump of coal...and he succeeds. And apparently does so every year.
- Green Lantern is the best superhero in The DCU at overcoming fear. So of course, his counterpart on the Bizarro World is a member of the fear-based Sinestro Corps. He often checks his power ring to make sure it's still working, only to end up blasting himself in the face.
- In the 2008-2009 series Trinity, the good guys and bad guys are forced to make teams with gimmicks based on the Major Arcana. (Plastic Man is The Fool, Lex Luthor is The Hierophant, Geo-Force is The World, etc...) Gangbuster, a Badass Normal, is The Wheel of Fortune. When he realizes he is outmatched against an army of demons...
Gangbuster:: "Hey Pat, I'd like to buy a vowel and solve the puzzle. G-E-T M-E O-U-T O-F H-E-R-E!"
- Due to a misunderstanding, the Justice League and the Teen Titans start fighting.
Superman: "Everyone, calm down!" (gets shot in the back with heat vision) "Ow!!!"
: "I did it! I learned how to use heat vision!" (Superman glares at him) "Uh, I didn't mean to...Ah man
- This is then made even more hilarious when they don't fight. Instead, we see Superman noting his mother made that cape, and Superboy looking really embarrassed.
- The Giffen/DeMatteis Justice League International has a whole lot of these, but the ultimate showdown of Batman and Guy Gardner really needs a mention.
- "One punch! ONE PUNCH!"
- "He's not dead. Just unconscious. Extremely unconscious."
- Martian Manhunter #24 from start to finish. Booster Gold and Blue Beetle hide all the Choco cookies in JLI headquarters, as well as the surrounding area. Mayhem ensues.
- After he cools down and is convinced he has a problem, J'onn exorcizes a physical manifestation of his addiction from himself. The craving-creature latches on to various other league members, revealing a sample of their cravings. In particular, Ice laments not being able to indulge in a sautéed baby seal since leaving her homeland.
- On J'onn's page on The Other Wiki, Booster Gold and Blue Beetle are actually listed in his Rogues Gallery section, along with the sentence "They stole J'onn's cookies". Go look.
- When Superboy discovers that Lex Luthor was one of his gene donors, he begins to angst that he might turn evil when he grows up.
Robin: "It could be worse... You could go bald."
- Lex Luthor commenting◊ on the Foe Yay between Batman and the Joker.
- A few from Supergirl: Identity:
Pariah: "I am the Herald of Darkness. I am the witness to Apocalypse. I walk where the dragon's tail meets its mouth, bathed in blood... Call me Pariah."
Supergirl: "I'm sorry, but... Who the hell are you?"
Pariah: "I am the space between Scylla and Charybdis. I am the gasp before the Big Bang. I—"
Supergirl: "Shut up and make sense!"
Pariah: "I—All right."
Pariah: "My name is Kent Massa. I was a scientist once... Until I dared look into the eyes of God and—"
Supergirl: (clenching her fist) "I will hurt you."
Pariah: "I... Fine."
Wondergirl: "Thanks. I love you, Kara."
Supergirl: "I love you too." BOOM
- When Supergirl returns to her apartment, Captain Boomerang Jr. asks how her day was.
Supergirl: I met a girl tonight (Terra II).
Supergirl: (hits him with a pillow) Idiot. Another hero in a costume.
- In an early issue of Young Justice, Bart Allen takes a blow to the head and thinks he's Batman. The Adam West Batman.
- Robin asks him to vibrate at high speed to become intangible. Amnesiac Impulse tries to comply... with spasms.
Robin: I ask for vibration, he gives me epileptic seizures.
Superboy: Oh no! It's not me! I'm not the mom! I am NOT the MOM!
Impulse: We're supposed to fight her?
Mighty Endowed: I see you up there, trembling in fear!
Superboy: This isn't fear! It's anticipation!
- The story "JLA: World Without Grownups": Superboy, Impulse, and Robin are put into simulations that mimic their deepest fears. Superboy faces off with Metallo, Impulse faces Nazi dinosaurs and Gorilla Grodd, and Robin is faced with a combination of Hannibal Lecter and The Joker. Robin figures out that they need to switch off since the simulations are geared to defeat each of them. Thus, Superboy beats Grodd while Robin beats Metallo. Robin then belatedly realizes that he left Impulse with the Hannibal-Joker...only to find that Impulse managed to drive the Hannibal-Joker crazy by asking him "Why?" over and over again!
- Gail Simone's run on Wonder Woman manages to deliver at least one of these every issue, often involving the mutant albino gorillas that accepted Diana as their leader. The issue they first appear in has them hanging around in her apartment and looking at her magazines while their leader apologizes for the "flinging incident" while saying that it was due to poor judgment.
- Later, when Diana comes home after a long day they're helping her get ready for a shower, and one of them asks if she would like "your usual flowery sludge for your hair."
- The entirety of Diana's trip to Japan with Black Canary is a big CMOF, especially when they are trying on Stripperiffic costumes to disguise themselves as wrestlers in a metahuman fighting ring while making a Call Back to Canary's comment that Diana has the "second most famous bosom" in the superhero community (after Power Girl).
Black Canary: Ah, we look like high-end trashy hookers in a Tarantino nightmare. Perfect!
Wonder Woman: Do we need to expose quite so much of the second most famous...
Black Canary: Absolutely!
Black Canary: Could not agree more. Summon the plane, would ya? We're Tokyo-bound!
- You bet you'd never see the day when Pokemon appear in comic books other than manga. Well, here it is!◊
"Yes, perhaps this is a warrior's game..."
- In Batman (issue 621) the conversation about steak:
Commissioner: What are you doing?
Batman: A steak.
Commissioner: You COOK?
Batman: No, I GRILL. It helps me RELAX.
Commissioner: Grilling a steak to RELAX? But a prime piece of meat has to be just right, not UNDER — or God forbid — OVERDONE. It is. And there's no sauce known to mankind — or the French — that can hide the fact the chef's to blame. That makes a steak the most STRESSFUL thing to cook, you know?
(Later in the same scene)
Batman's Monologue: It was WRONG to cut Allen off, but my GRILL was FLARING. And like he said, a steak is RUINED, if not done just right. I liked mine pink on the inside, not red or grey. I was after the perfect SIZZLE. But I MISJUDGED. It was RED. RAW. MY tastes didn't run that way... But I wasn't the ONLY man in town with an APPETITE.
- All-Star Batman & Robin, the Boy Wonder: If not the whole series, then most of it. Now whether it's intentional or not, that's up for debate.
- When Thara Ak-Var gets stabbed by a kryptonite knife, Chris Kent brings her to Lois Lane so she can pull the fragments out and treat the wound. When Thara recovers, Lois grills her on what exactly is her relationship with her son. Seeing a pyrokinetic Kryptonian scared of her boyfriend's human mother is hilarious. Later, Thara tries to jump Chris only for Lois to be right there and be all "No way, not gonna happen".
- The otherwise completely unfunny first issue of the Venom storyline has this: Batman, blaming himself for the death of a kidnapping victim, continues attempting to fight crime after injuring his shoulder and going three days without sleep. This leads to him be battered by a pair of ordinary thugs. He wakes up in bed to hear Alfred deliver this line:
Alfred: I told the physician who reassembled you that you fell from a hot air balloon onto a picnic table full of cheese blintzes. *beat* The story was too ludicrous to be disbelieved.
- Batman: No Man's Land:
- The first thing The Joker does once he and Harley decide to leave Arkham is go to the local baseball stadium and recruit some new talent. Harley leads the team in prayer: "Joker is God."
- Bruce Wayne shamelessly hitting on Luthor's chauffeur, Mercy:
"I would rather dance alone, barefoot, on broken glass, than dance with you, Mister Wayne."
- Superman's (ill-fated) arrival and his subsequent pwning of the Mad Hatter.
- There's a story where the Guardians of Oa visit the Zamorans, with Sodam Yat, Arisia, and Guy Gardner as backup. When they are hit by a bright violet flash: The Guardians continue being stoic, Arisia and Sodam cover their eyes in pain, and Guy whips up Cool Shades and puts them on with a smug look on his face.
- From Justice Society of America, Obsidian's fake out◊ and everyone's expression. Seems to also be something of a Take That to people who thought the author (Bill Willingham) would pull something like that in his run.
- From 52, Renee Montoya and the Question are investigating a warehouse together. They saw someone enter who appears to have vanished. Montoya says there must be a secret door, the Question's immediate response? 'What is this, D&D?' After finding the switch by accident the two of them fall through the floor and end up with Renee on top of the Question while he delivers the immortal line:
- There was one spinoff novel, the plot of which was Batman, Green Arrow, and Aquaman teaming up together with Nightwing, Arsenal, and Tempest to stop Deathstroke from carrying out an assassination. When they finally catch him, he incredulously asks if it really took that much firepower to stop him. The response?
Batman: Not really, but it was a nice excuse to spend some time with the kids.
- Kevin Smith's The Widening Gyre may be... controversial, but it is also... well, it's written by Kevin Smith, the man whom seemingly never met a gag he didn't like. If it had been received better it might have an actual page.
Calendar King: I'm proud to report I've puked in your trunk.
- Joker's banter as he's waving around a shot gun in the canals:
Joker: I am Jesus! I am Moses! I am Lucifer, the Fallen! I am Elijah! I am the beatified bones of Dancin' Don Rickles, and I'm gonna eat yer babies!
- Various characters' reactions to finding out Batman has a girlfriend now.
- Countdown to Final Crisis has Kyle Rayner being used as a club by Heel-Turned Mary Marvel to beat up Donna Troy.
- In an issue of Batman: Gotham Knights, Batman is facing off with Hugo Strange on the rooftop of the Wayne Enterprises building. Tim asks Dick what they're going to do. Dick says it's Batman versus Dr. Strange: he's getting popcorn.
- In Detective Comics #609, during his fight with Anarky, Batman is beset by some hobos that are on Anarky's side. One of them - a legless cripple - tries to take on Batman. Bats' exasperated face◊ in the last panel, in an otherwise serious comic, is priceless.
- In one issue of Robin, a group of heroes led by The Veteran (the invincible personification of Patriotism) is fighting their way across Bludhaven, which is filled with C- and D-list villains recently escaped from a prison, to get to Robin. One such villain, who appears to be made of straw, leaps out of the shadows and declares...
Wicker Man: Behold! I am the Wicker Man! Beware my power!
The Veteran: Oh for the love of... [pulls out a lighter and flicks it on] Behold! I have a working lighter!
Wicker Man: ...I surrender.
- From the DC One Million crossover event:
- The opening narration of Chronos #1,000,000 describes the crimes future Flash has stopped while patrolling Metropolis.
"After stopping a runaway Silverale transport from veering into pedestrian traffic, he delivered twins to a pregnant mother caught in the chaos of a Bizarro Pride parade. At the Bismollan Embassy, he prevented an assassination attempt by a Durlan extremist disguised as tiramisu."
- Justice Legion L's issue has them pursuing Agent If, a Reality Warper terrorist whose power works by saying sentences that start with "if." He uses his power to enter the United Planets' artificial sun in order to destroy it, Titangirl, who's just a psychic projection, confronts him:
Agent If: Titangirl! How can you be here? All right...all right...you're dead! No! If you're dead...then...something. Anything. WHY AREN'T YOU DEAD?!
Titangirl: Perhaps you broke your toy?
No...I know the answer! You're not really here! You're projecting thoughts from somewhere outside the Realitoy's range! And that means you can't stop me, either! All I have to remember is that you're just an idea in my head! You couldn't be here if I didn't exist, or--or...NO! IF I EXI--*
Implicate Girl: What's the latest on our terrorist?
- Emperor Joker: Darkseid, realizing the severity of the situation, tries to form an alliance with The Quintessence (Zeus, Highfather, Ganthet, The Phantom Stranger, and Shazam), only to find that The Joker has turned them into babbling idiots.
Darkseid: ...Well, what say you all?
SHAZAM: Wassup, D?
Phantom Stranger: WHATZZZUP!
Zeus: Yo, where's Desaad?
Darkseid: (deadpan) I am too late.
- Lex Luthor once managed to easily capture Superboy by making a kryptonite cage labelled "Luthor Trap to capture Superboy". Superboy walked right into it. Even the narrator gave up at that point, noting that it went far beyond curiosity into sheer stupidity on Superboy's part.issue
- Stephanie Brown AKA Batgirl has a Precocious Crush on her developing contact for the police, Detective Nicholas Gage, who avoided any action on her feelings. It leads to ...
Batgirl: (As she swings by Gage and Gordon, giving Gage a smile and a small wave) "Hey, you!"
Detective Nick Gage: (Off Commissioner Gordon's look) "What?"
Commissioner Gordon: "'Hey, you'?"
Gage: "No one raises an eyebrow when you talk to Batman."
Gordon: "I'm pretty sure Batman's legal, detective!"
- Batman/Spider-Man, after Batman corrects Spidey's reference to The Road To Morocco:
Spider-Man: A-ha! I knew we had something in common besides our love of tights! You're into old movies too, huh?
Batman: I was - when I was young.
Spider-Man: Young? Somehow, I can't picture you ever being young! You must've been pretty cute, waddling around in your diapers, chasing the Joker across the playground!
Batman: I was never "cute".