Funny: Constantine

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     The Movie 

From the movie:

  • The scene before Angela gets in the tub.
    Angela: Do I have to take the rest of my clothes off or can I leave them on?
    John: ...
    Angela: John?
    John: I'm thinking...
  • When Constantine busts into Papa Midnite's, he belts the bouncer and marches downstairs. Chas stands over the unconscious bouncer and giggles: "Who's the rat in the dress now, huh bitch?"
  • As Constantine ascends to Heaven, he flips off the Devil. Doubles as one of the most awesome moments in the movie.
    • It's important to realize this is as he's being dramatically pulled up to Heaven, and he does it in perhaps the most off hand manner possible, though it's complete with slow motion.
    • In the novelization, it is actually God controlling Constantine's hand, which is even funnier.
  • The very end of the movie, when Constantine punches Gabriel in the face instead of shooting him/her.
    Gabriel: You could have shot me John! But you chose a higher path! Look how well you're doing!
    • The funniest bits of the above scene are the couple of seconds it takes for pain to register to Gabriel (during which he whispers "wow" when he sees the blood from his mouth), and as Constantine keeps walking while he calls after him with his comments.
  • This moment in the car:
    Constantine: Corinthians goes to 31 acts in the Bible in Hell.
    Angela: (in disbelief) They have Bibles in Hell.
  • Most of Satan's conversation with Constantine is hilarious, what truly sells it is the casual tone which John uses when talking to Satan.
    Constantine: So how's the family?
    Satan: Family's doing fine. Busy, busy, busy! Need a vacation.
  • Angela's faint exasperation at not getting kissed three times in a row. It's blink-and-you'll-miss it, but watch her face each time Constantine leans in.
  • The scene in Angela's apartment. It's nice to see Constantine stop being mean and actually teasing her.
    Angela: If this is some kind of spell, don't you need candles and pentagrams?
    Constantine: Why? Do you have any?
  • At the hospital early on, when the doctor is explaining that Constantine's lung cancer is terminal, and he lights up a cigarette.
  • Midnite helping Constantine towards the end:
  • Constantine info-dumps to Angela about The Spear Of Destiny, only to get this retort:
    Angela: I'm a Catholic, John. I know the Crucifixion story.

     The series 

From the series:

Pilot

  • Constantine's psychiatrist reads his business card out loud, emphasizing the "Master of the Dark Arts" line. Constantine looks up and remarks he should change it to "Petty Dabbler", as he does so hate to put on airs. It's the tone of his voice that really sells it. A lot less funny once we find out why he thinks this.
  • He notices a rather large amount of cockroaches heading into the art room and towards a young woman who is painting something on the wall. As he approaches her to try to get her to stop, he notices her eyes are completely white and filmed over. He promptly turns away, muttering "No. No no no no no no. This is not my problem," only to stop, roll his eyes and say "Oh, bollocks." After he exorcises her, he realizes that he's got to leave and strides out of the room, tossing off a "She did it," over his shoulder as doctors and other patients rush in.
  • When he meets Liv, he first points out that she's holding her can of Mace the wrong way, then hands her a business card. When she points out the "Master of the Dark Arts" bit, he says exasperatedly "I'm getting new ones made!" Then he descends into the sinkhole, and when a dark shape startles him, he yells "Who's there? I'm a nasty piece of work, you can ask anyone!"
  • After Chas is impaled with an electrical line, seemingly fatally, he comes over and helps make dinner before they go out to take down the Monster of the Week. Liv's completely incredulous reaction to his arrival, combined with Constantine and Chas' lack of one really sell just how bizarre this world really is.
  • Constantine's way of getting in to fight the demon involves paying a security guard $500... Except he claims that he wants to have sex with Liv on the rooftop instead. He continues on to hand the guard a lightbulb, saying that he'll pay an extra $100 if the guard calls him the instant it starts to glow.
    Guard: But... It's not screwed in to anything.
    Constantine: Neither am I, mate.

The Devil's Vinyl

  • Chas insists on keeping Zed around despite all of John's protests, even though she's provided important clues and even saved his ass. Then she has one final vision that leads our heroes in the right direction.
    Chas: I think we should do what she says.
    John: Ok, but we're not going to jump the moment she says it! (Beat) Ok, that's long enough, let's go.

A Feast of Friends

  • John taking stock of all the dead bodies at the meat processing plant, and then, helpfully, taking the time to erase the number on the "Days Since Last Incident" sign, writing a nice neat 0 in its place.
  • After that, calling out if there's anyone there still alive; "-Preferrably not possessed and feeling peckish...!"
  • Constantine's delightfully malicious reaction to when Zed says she touched with Gary: "You...touched?". Cue some very concerned denials.
  • Gary goes to steal a knife for the ritual to come, with Constantine under arrest by a guard. When he comes back, Constantine has bewitched the guard to dance however he wants him to, and is instructing him on what to do next.

Danse Vaudou

  • Chaz and Zed are trying to keep a couple of killer ghosts from killing while Constantine looks for a permanent solution. Zed keeps a hitchhiking ghost busy by picking him up over and over, able to avoid the crash he's tricked others into making by being aware. Chaz, however, is sent to track down a scissor-wielding ghost of a model, who wears a medical mask hiding horrific scars, and asks "Am I pretty?" before she starts stabbing. Chaz's main method of stalling her is, well, to get stabbed, then get back up later from his immortality. Then after a few tries, he completely baffles her by asking if she thinks he's pretty.
    • Not just funny, accurate, too. The ghost is based on a Japanese spirit called Kuchisake-onna, or Slit-mouthed Woman. The main method to escape death by scissors is to confuse her by flipping the question back on her, or asking her random questions to distract her so you can escape.
  • Constantine being strangely pleasant for a captive in the trunk of Papa Midnite's car. Though he does ask that they turn off the Reggae music.

Rage of Caliban

  • Constantine leaving a girl's house via the window....in his boxers, because the girl's boyfriend is at the door.
  • An annoyed Constantine punching a mechanical haunted house zombie in the face after it pops up and destroys the mirror he's carrying to deflect the possessing spirit's attacks.

Blessed Are The Damned

  • Constantine and Zed's first interaction in this episode, in which a overexcited Zed and a overly grumpy Constantine talk over one another in a incomprehensible mess of words without skipping a beat for a full minute before Constantine abruptly stops his rant and asks about snakes.
  • John mentions that he will need a lot of protection artifacts. Every kind, including a pack of condoms. After Zed's mention that they were going to see a preacher after all, he passes one to her as well.
  • Later on, Zed's absolute Adorkable joy at being in the presence of an angel. Particularly when Manny appears in the room, but only John can see him. She aimlessly wanders about trying to find him like a game of hide-and-seek while Manny and Constantine have a chat.
    • Adding to that, at one point, Constantine nonchalantly says for her to go in a direction directly opposite where she has to go in order to be closer to Manny. It's easy to get the idea that John's just trolling her.

The Saint of Last Resorts: Part 2
  • Chas needs to get inside of the prison. After floundering it for a bit, he says "screw it" and punches the guard. He gets his ass kicked, but it works.
  • Anna Marie needs to get John's body out of the prison, but the guard would recognize Chas. Her solution is to her use Astral Projection to appear topless for a Distracted by the Sexy moment.