Funny / Conan the Barbarian (1982)

• When Conan got smashed and bumped into a camel, and then just turns around and knocks it out with one punch to the face.
• When Conan meets the Wolf Witch, he learns that she has information about the Children of Doom, but that "there is a price." Cut to the next scene, where Conan is on top of the Wolf Witch screwing her brains out. Somehow, it seems unlikely that Conan took much convincing. This scene is even funnier if you've got the director's commentary on, as Arnold dryly comments "Conan scores a lot in this movie."
• Immediately after an epic montage of Conan and his gang becoming legendary outlaws, Conan passes out drunk face-first into his oatmeal and starts suffocating.
  • After he passes out, King Osiric's guards show up and Valeria nudges him to try and rouse him and get up only to shove him to the floor, seeing she's getting no hope from him she clumsily reaches to her sword.
• Thulsa Doom asks why Conan hates him so much, to which Conan gives a passionate speech about how Doom destroyed his village. Doom replies with a bone-dry "Ah," with James Earl Jones perfectly communicating in just one syllable "Yeah, you kind of have a point there."
  • What follows is perhaps even better. "It must have been when I was younger."
  • Not to mention Thulsa claiming to be Conan's father. After a Beat, Thulsa feels the need to clarify that he meant that metaphorically, not literally.
  • Prior to this, a priest is Mugged for Disguise by Conan - and the outfit does not suit him whatsoever.
• While berating Conan for his crimes against him, Thulsa Doom mentions the killing of the giant snake in the temple, claiming that Dumb Muscle Thorgrim raised that snake and is now "beside himself with grief." Cut to Thorgrim snapping out of his Dull Surprise. "Uh...yeah, Boss! Beside myself! You said it!"
  • According to The DVD commentary, Thorgrim's actor was having problems with the snake he has around his neck during the scene moving around so fed up he grabs it by the head and tells it to knock it off and quit moving.
• During his gladiator days, Conan is given a lady to, ahem, spend some time with. Not only is he surprisingly gentle with her, but once he lays her down, he surveys her with his hands on his hips and look on his face as if he's thinking, "Okay...now, what do I do with this?"
• Conan and Subotai discuss their religious beliefs.
  Conan: What gods do you pray to?
  Subotai: I pray to the Four Winds. And you?
  Conan: To Crom. But I seldom pray to him; he never listens.
  Subotai: *chuckles* What good is he, then? It's like I've always said...
  Conan: Crom is strong! If I die I will have to go before him, and he will ask me "What is the Riddle of Steel?" And if I do not answer he will laugh at me and cast me out of Valhalla. That's Crom, strong on his mountain!
  Subotai: Ah, my god is greater.
  Conan: Crom laughs at your Four Winds. Laughs from his mountain.
  Subotai: My god is stronger. He is the everlasting sky! Your god lives beneath him.
  *Conan gives Subotai a skeptical look. Subotai laughs*
  • Note that Conan's father had already told Conan that Crom lives in the earth, as opposed to the gods of the sky. So as far as Conan's concerned, Subotai's jest that "your god lives beneath mine, therefore he's inferior" doesn't hold much water.
• From the scene where Conan, Valeria, and Subotai raid Doom's palace, Conan fights both Rexor and Thorgrim; a mis-timed hammer strike from Thorgrim ends up knocking over one of the pillars. Thorgrim looks at his hammer, then the pillar with an expression like, "Damn...did I do that?"
• Akiro the Wizard. Straddles the boundary between eccentric and insane beautifully.
  • Particularly his Big Damn Heroes moment where he saves Subotai by taking down Doom's last rider. The dazed look and bewildered tone in his voice make it apparent that he can't quite believe he survived:
    Akiro: "I— I did it! With my SPEAR! WA-HAAA!"
• Conan's ridiculously nonchalant and somewhat half-assed attempt to infiltrate Doom's cult. Especially when, in a ploy to nab a priests garb, he gets the man on his own by claiming that he is "afraid and shy" while smirking.
  • Akin to this, it's hilarious how the priest, who is blatantly hitting on Conan, is pleasantly surprised when Conan wants to take him to where the other penitents can't see them.
• Conan's prayer to Crom is between Awesome and 'The Most Backhanded Prayer Ever':
  Grant me revenge! And if you do not listen, then to hell with you!
• Valeria briefly attempts to convince King Osric that Subotai died fleeing the tower... seconds before he's led in by guards. The king gets a chuckle out of it.
  Osric: (genuinely concerned) Lions ate him?
  (Subotai is dragged in by another group of guards)
  Osric: (laughing uproariously) The lions ate him!
• Conan and Subotai question a merchant about the Cult of Set, and he nonchalantly notes that "two, three years ago, it was just another snake cult." Snake cults apparently are a dime a dozen in the Hyborean Age.
• After having gained a reputation as a gladiator, Conan is brought to the East to get taught by expert swordmasters. We see in the middle of a lesson, performing sword moves, the stern master jumps in, slaps Conan and disapprovingly yells at him. Afterwards another student looks at Conan with a mocking grin in his face. How does the old master react? With a spectacular kick to the groin, of course! In the commentary Arnold Schwarzenegger and John Milius are thoroughly amused by this moment.
  Arnold: He was laughing! He didn't laugh long!
• While Thulsa making one of his cultists jump to her death is meant to show how much power he have over them, the way she non-chalantly jumps looks rather cartoonish.
• Conan's completely deranged looking screaming charge at a mounted Rexor during the final battle can be quite hilarious given Arnold's hammy wide eyed expression and accompanying "EEEEAAAAAHHHHHH!" shriek.
• During a the battle of the mounds, Subotai runs out of arrows and is about to be attacked by two of the riders. In desperation he pretends to draw his bow, and the riders react so scared that they both fall off their horses. The yell of amazement at such a stupid stunt actually working that Subotai gives is simply priceless!
• When you look closely enough at the background, in Conan's pitfight scenes, there's always the same preteen kid who's very enthusiastic about being taken to the fights. And he's there for like every single Conan fight, always with the same enthusiasm as the first time, so he's clearly enjoying himself immensely.
• Whenever Doom is about to do his magic, Thorgrim seems to get an uncomfortable look on his face and spends about half the time shuffling and staring at the ground; one gets the impression that this is the guy who joined for the orgies and the pillaging, not for the hypnotizing and shooting snakes at people...
• After being released from the gladiator pit, Conan is chased by wolves into the Atlantean tomb, where he finds his iconic sword. When he comes out, we see the wolves growling. Next scene, Conan is wearing a wolf skin outfit- with some tails still dangling on his back.