Funny / Classical Mythology

  • When Telemachus asks Odysseus what kind of help they have for taking down the suitors, Odysseus basically says, "We've got Zeus and Athena on our side. Are you sure that'll be enough?"
  • One story details how Hera was so spectacularly angry at Zeus that she left Olympus. After failing to persuade her to return, Zeus asked for help and was told to make a wooden doll, dress it in a bridal veil, and tell everyone he was getting remarried to lure Hera out. It worked.
    • Speaking of Zeus and Hera's marriage, the whole way it began. Hera wasn't actually looking to marry Zeus, knowing his tendencies, but Zeus kept wooing her anyways. So one day Hera said, all right, if you can get me to say "I love you", I'll marry you. For the next few days, Zeus was conspicuously distant, then a cuckoo appeared on Hera's windowsill during a freak storm. Taking pity on the bird, she of course immediately took it inside, dried it and fed it. The cuckoo was very glad with this turn of events and was acting and chirping so sweetly that Hera said, "Awww I love you too." Cue the cuckoo turning into Zeus with a huge grin.
    • On that note, Zeus and Hera's wedding night is said to have lasted for 300 years. 300 years. Divine or not, they must have been really sore after that (or at least exhausted).
    • The way Zeus persuaded Hera to stop torturing Io after she's been turned into a cow, which basically amounts to him telling her "I promise that I'll never try anything with this woman ever again". Note that he said nothing about doing the same to any other woman, he just promised to never mess around with Io specifically ever again. It makes you wonder if Hera really took his promise to heart or just figured that was the best she was gonna get out of him.
  • Hephaestus gets pissed off because his wife Aphrodite is cheating on him with Ares and makes a golden net which he hides by their bed. The next time they start getting it on, the net catches them and hauls them into the air and Hephaestus calls all the other gods to have a good look. The whole of Olympus stands around laughing, and Apollo says to Hermes, 'So, would you mind being chained up naked for everyone to see?' Hermes promptly replies that he wouldn't mind a bit, provided he got to sleep with Aphrodite.
    • Pornographia also originally meant "to write about prostitution", so it's come a long way in the last few thousand years.
  • An unintentional example, but if you look at some versions of Tiresias and Arachne's myths, Athena has really bad luck when it comes to helping people. A boy almost sees her naked and she tries to shield his innocent eyes? Whoops, she blinded him! A rival tries to kill herself and Athena tries to show her mercy by saving her? Whoops, now her rival's a spider!
  • Speaking of Tiresias, the alternate story of his blindness has a share of funny in it too. He saw a pair of snakes mating one day and separated them with his cane, causing him to be turned into a woman. In following years, adventures as, among others, a temple prostitute ensued, until, meeting the same pair of snakes again and this time leaving them alone, his original form was restored... only for him to happen upon Zeus and Hera in a heated debate about who gets more pleasure out of sex, men or women. They see Tiresias and are immediately like, "Hey, YOU spent time as both a man and a woman! Answer!" He does, which causes Hera to blind him. As even Zeus can't undo what another god did, he gifts him the talent of prophecy via an ability to speak to birds instead. Just in case you wonder, his answer was women.
  • Aphrodite, Hephaistos and Eros are making weapons, in particular Eros is making a javelin. Ares comes in with a strong spear and begins making fun of his son's creation. Eros says it's heavy and says he should try to pick it up. Ares does so, only to find he can't lift it up and his hand is stuck under it.
    "Ergh, it's really heavy. Take it back."
    "No, you can keep it."
  • The poet Sappho of Lesbos, who wrote poetry about her love for women and who gave the names to you know exactly what, was supposedly married to Kerkylas of Andros, a name which translates to about Dick Allcock from Big Man Island. He may be fictional, and "of Kalamamos" may have been better because that means "of pen island", roughly.
  • Aphrodite finds out some women of a city don't worship her, because they believe they are prettier. She gives them terrible B.O. so their husbands will divorce. Yes, the same person who tried to kill Psyche for similar reasons decided to make some girls smell bad.
  • The Ouroboros, the snake with its tail in its mouth, moves around like a wheel, as it goes in a circle in the desert. Truly, a terrifying sight.
  • The start of Hermes' life. He was born in a cave where his mother hid from Hera, and after the birth, his mother Maia tucked him in really tight then went to sleep. Hermes, barely a few hours old, leaves, makes a lyre out of a tortoise, steals 50 cows from Apollo, then goes back to the cave before the sun is up. Apollo notices his cattle missing, and knowing he himself sang and walked right after birth, does not fall for Hermes' cutesy act. He instead drags Hermes in front of Zeus (who tries not to laugh when Hermes starts with the boldfaced lie of "I'll tell you what happened, I, barely a day old, was sleeping soundly when THIS OAF HERE walks in and accuses me of theft!") for judgment. The end of it is that Hermes can keep the cattle, can tell fortunes with dice, and becomes the god of thieves among his outrageously long list of tasks.
  • One of Bellerophon's exploits is calling the sea to flood the plain of Xanthus after an attempt on his life. Trying to appease him, the women from the palace lift their dresses up and rush to him. Alas for them, poor Bellerophon ran away for the hills when he saw all those naked females hell-bent on having their way with him.

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