Funny: Casablanca

  • Louis has a bunch of these:
    • "I'm shocked—shocked—to find that gambling's going on in here!" "Your winnings, sir." "Ah, thank you very much."
    • When he's reminded there's a gun pointed at his heart: "That is my least vulnerable spot."
    • "How extravagant you are, throwing away women like that. Someday they may be scarce."
    • "Make it ten. I'm only a poor corrupt official."
    • This:
    Major Strasser: My impression was that he's just another blundering American.
    Louis: Oh, we mustn't underestimate American blundering—I was with them when they blundered into Berlin in 1918. (Burn!)
    • On Ugarte's death, after a dramatic pause when Strasser reveals the news to Lazlo and Ilsa: "I'm making out the report now—we haven't quite decided whether he committed suicide, or...died trying to escape." The nonchalant way he says it plays the moment for Black Comedy.
    • "Major Strasser has been shot. [Beat] Round up The Usual Suspects."
  • The reactions of Sasha, Rick's russian employee when Rick assigns him the job of taking the sexy French patron Yvonne home:
    Sasha: (Excitedly) Yes, boss!
    Rick: And come right back!
    Sasha: (Slumps) Yes, boss....
  • The employees insisting that the roulette game is honest. After Rick had just BLATENTLY given the spinner instructions. Given the context, it's also pretty heartwarming.
  • This exchange:
    Ugarte: You despise me, don't you?
    Rick: If I gave you any thought I probably would.
  • And this:
    Rick: How'd you get in here? You're underage.
    Young Woman: I came with Captain Renault.
    Rick: (rolls eyes) I should've known...
    Young Woman: (primly) My husband is with me too.
    Rick: Oh, he is? Captain Renault is getting broad-minded.
  • And this:
    Louis: I've often speculated on why you don't return to America. Did you abscond with the church funds? Did you run off with a Senator's wife? I like to think that you killed a man. It's the romantic in me.
    Rick: It's a combination of all three.
    Louis: And what in heaven's name brought you to Casablanca?
    Rick: My health. I came to Casablanca for the waters.
    Louis: The waters? What waters? We're in the desert.
    Rick: I was misinformed.
  • The "Blind Idiot" Translation of a couple of German refugees who have decided to only speak English, in preparation for moving to America.
    Husband: "Liebchen— er, sweetnessheart... what watch?"
    Wife: (checks time) "Ten watch."
    Husband: "Such much?"
    • And Karl's reaction: "...You will get along beautifully in America."
  • Ilsa is looking at a tablecloth being offered by a merchant for 700 Francs. Rick approaches and mentions that she's getting ripped off. The merchant declares that there is a special discount for friends of Rick. Only 200 Francs! Rick then goes on to apologize for being in no shape to see her when she stopped by the evening before. The merchant suddenly announces an additional discount for very special friends of Rick, knocking the price down to a hundred Francs even.
  • Major Strasser mentions having a complete dossier on Rick, reading off several juicy details of his past exploits in Europe and his unexplained Persona Non Grata status in the United States. Rick takes a look at the Major's notes and has this to say:
  • The big moment when Rick and Ilsa meet again; Rick is aghast, Ilsa is near tears and Sam is... taking his piano and stool and getting the hell out of Dodge.
  • The deadpan way Sam initially handles Rick sulking in the bar in the dead of night:
    Sam: Boss...? Boss?
    Rick: Yeah.
    Sam: Boss, ain't you going to bed?
    Rick: Not right now.
    Sam: Ain't you planning on going to bed in the near future?
    Rick: No.
    Rick: No!
    Sam: (Shrugs) Well, I ain't sleepy either.