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Funny: Calvin and Hobbes
  • Calvin having to get a shot, while his mom hides her face in embarrassment:
    Calvin: Is that a shot? Are you going to— AUGH! IT WENT STRAIGHT THROUGH MY ARM! OW OW OW OW OW!!!! I'M DYING! I HOPE YOU PAID YOUR MALPRACTICE INSURANCE, YOU QUACK! WHERE'S MY MOM!?
  • In one strip, Calvin yells to his mom from across the house. She tells him to walk over to where she is. He does... and tells his mom "I stepped in dog doo. Where's the hose?" Topped off in the Anthology edition as Watterson's comment is simply "Right lesson - wrong time."
  • Any time Calvin outsmarts Moe. For example:
    Moe: "What?"
    Calvin: "Isn't he great, folks? Let's give him a big hand!"
    • Also:
    Moe: "Hey, Twinky, gimme a quarter."
    Calvin: "Your simian countenance suggests a heritage unusually rich in species diversity."
    Moe: "What?"
    Calvin: "Here." (Tosses Moe a quarter.) "That was worth 25 cents."
  • Calvin's little poem about spiderwebs:
    "Like delicate lace,
    So the threads intertwine,
    Oh, gossamer web
    Of wond'rous design!
    Such beauty and grace
    Wild nature produces...
  • At the beginning of the baseball arc, Calvin realizes he's the only boy on a playground full of girls, and starts freaking out about being in a "Cootie central." Susie retorts with "Relax. Stupidity produces antibodies."
  • Calvin's ransom note to Susie. "Dear Susie, If you want to see your doll again, leave $100 in this envelope by the tree out front. Do not call the police. You cannot trace us. You cannot find us. Sincerely, Calvin."
    • Made funnier by the panel break before the last sentence, causing a beat when reading.
  • Most of the "Dad polls" strips. For example:
    Calvin: (Looking at an old yearbook) "Is this you with the keg and the 'Party Naked' T-Shirt?"
    Dad: "Give me thaaaaaat!"
    • Also:
    Calvin: "Who's the bimbo with you in this old prom picture?"
    Dad: "THAT 'BIMBO' IS YOUR MOTHER!"
    Mom: "WHO'S A BIMBO?!"
    Calvin: "Pretty funky hairdo, mom!"
  • One quick one-shot strip:
    Dad: "Have you seen my glasses anywhere?"
    Enter Calvin, with glasses and slicked-down hair
    Calvin: "Calvin, do something you hate! Being miserable builds character!"
  • Calvin's poem regarding Hobbes sleeping on the carpet:
    Calvin: My tiger, it seems, is running 'round nude.
    This fur coat must have made him perspire.
    It lies on the floor- should this be construed
    As a permanent change of attire?
    Perhaps he considers its colors passé,
    Or maybe it fit him too snug.
    Will he want it back? Should I put it away?
    Or use it right here as a rug?
    Hobbes: (irritated) I wonder when school starts?
  • In one strip, Dad ducks out of having to have "The Talk" with his six-year-old son. Also one of his funniest gadfly moments.
    Calvin: Dad, where do babies come from?
    Dad (matter-of-factly): Most people just go to Sears, buy the kit, and follow the assembly instructions.
    Calvin (with a Wild Take): I came from Sears!?
    Dad: No, you were a blue-light special at K-Mart. Almost as good, and a lot cheaper.
    Calvin (hyperventilating): Mooooooommmmmmm!
    Mom (from the other room): Dear, what are you telling Calvin now?!
  • "Tyrannosaurs in F-14S!!!"
    • "This is SO COOL!" "This is so stupid."
  • "I meant to do that."
  • The strip in which Calvin employs Loophole Abuse to answer the question "Explain Newton's First Law of Motion in your own words." His answer? "Yakka foob mog. Grug pubbawup zink wattoom gazork. Chumble spuzz."
  • Calvin's little monologue about the weirdness of cow milk was hilarious enough, but it was even better in the 10th Anniversary Collection:
    Calvin: Who was the first guy who looked at a cow and said "I think I'll drink whatever comes out of these things when I squeeze 'em!"?
    Bill Watterson: It's sometimes frightening where my mind will go if I let it. Who was that guy?!
    • Unfortunately, many people like to ruin the joke by pointing out that the guy who discovered cow milk most likely saw a cow nursing its calf and decided that cow milk was safe to drink.
  • "I hope you suffer a debilitating brain aneurysm, you freak!"
  • Three panels of a hideous space alien contemptuously addressing a classroom and proceeding to demonstrate his planet's destructive technology, one panel of Calvin pulling a hideous face at the front of the classroom growling gibberish. "Miss Wormwood, shouldn't he be in some kind of special school?"
  • This part of the Mercury report arc:
    Susie: (to Calvin) Look, bird brain, you wasted this entire week in the library. We have to give our report on Monday. You'd better bust your butt over the weekend, or I'm telling the teacher you didn't do any work. Got it? ...WELL, WHAT DO YOU SAY?! AM I GETTING THROUGH TO YOU?? THIS IS IMPORTANT!
    (the next panel has Spaceman Spiff and an angry alien in place of Calvin and Susie)
    Alien: Gronk! Gribble gok! Gak gork! Goonk!
    Spaceman Spiff: Our hero regards the strange alien. ...It seems to be trying to communicate.
    • The whole story arc. Susie takes the report so seriously that she thinks getting into a good college depends on her doing well on it. Calvin, of course, couldn't care less.
  • This argument between Calvin and Hobbes:
    Calvin: (after Hobbes had called him a liar) ...Well, you're just a poop head! So there! THBPBPTHPT!
    Hobbes: POTTY MOUTH! POTTY MOUTH! CALVIN IS A POTTY MOUTH!
    Calvin: You're asking for a toothless mouth, buster!
    Hobbes: Yeah? Says you and what army? You couldn't knock the teeth out of a mosquito!
    Calvin: Ha! Mosquitoes don't have teeth! That shows how dumb you are!
    Hobbes: Compared to you, I'm Einstein! Leggo my leg!
    (the fight escalates into a Big Ball of Violence)
    Calvin: Ow! Go stick your nose in a rubber hose, you walking flea condo!
    Hobbes: I say it takes one to know one, bozo! Why don't you go play in the food processor!
    • What makes this funnier is the whole argument was over a croquet game.
  • "TEN MILLION BOTTLES OF BEER ON THE WALL, TEN MILLION BOTTLES OF BEER..."
  • One strip, Calvin is pounding nails into the coffee table. Mom runs in screaming "CALVIN! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO THE COFFEE TABLE?!?" After a Beat Panel, he looks up and says, "Is this some sort of trick question, or what?"
  • Calvin's snowmen, especially "Oh yeah?! Define 'well-adjusted!'"
    • "I don't care. We're not having an anatomically correct snowman in the front yard."
    • "I don't think the schools assign enough homework." is also a Moment Of Awesome! Seriously, how did he make THAT?! Or the snowman enjoying a snowcone for that matter. "It's a sordid story."
    • "Ready... Aim..."
    • "You don't like my Snowman House of Horror, do you?"
    • "Mom and dad don't value originality and hard work as much as they say they do."
    • "First she says go out. Now she says come in."
    • "For the townsfolk below, the day began like any other day..."
    • "What's wrong with Easter Island? I like Easter Island!"
    • Snowmen prophets of doom!
    • The strip where Calvin's dad comes home to an army of snowmen lined up and saluting him, much to his chagrin:
    Calvin's Dad: He knows I hate this.
    • The strip where they talked about the new year in relation to the snowmen that Calvin made was both serious and funny.
    • And then there was this one strip where Calvin used Forced Perspective to freak out his dad (Calvin built half a giant face and fingers on a hill top so it looked like a giant snowman was peeking out from over the hill)
    • Not to mention the strip where Calvin built a crowd of snowmen crossing the road, complete with a "Snowmen Crossing" sign. ("CALVIN, I'M LATE FOR WORK!!")
  • On the topic of snowmen, the definite crowner is the "Deranged Mutant Killer Monster Snow Goons" arc. Calvin is trying to bring a snowman to life and succeeds! Unfortunately, the snowman lacks any obedience to his master and proceeds to chase Calvin. Then it finds out where Calvin lives! Calvin recruits Hobbes to help him take down the snowman and try to do it with snowballs! It ends predictably and gives the snowman the idea to put more snow on itself to become bigger and stronger! Then it puts on another head and an extra arm! Then it begins to create more snowbeasts! Which are loyal to the creator! Calvin and Hobbes eventually defeat them by spraying them with the hose, freezing them all.
    • Also, this exchange.
    Hobbes: Maybe we could lure him inside and he'd melt!
    Calvin: That would take hours! And if he didn't kill Mom, she'd have a fit about the water on the floor!
    Hobbes: Hmm. How did they finally kill "Frosty?"
    Calvin: I have no idea. Now I wish I'd watched that dumb show! Maybe they stabbed him with an icicle.
  • Pretty much anytime either parent finds Hobbes somewhere unusual in the house while Calvin's at school (usually so Hobbes can ambush Calvin).
  • In one arc, Calvin tries to wheedle out of a school assignment by convincing Hobbes to write his paper for him, giving him specific (albeit poor) instructions. Hobbes agrees, but in true trickster spirit, completely ignores Calvin's instructions and writes the report on his own whims. What makes this funny? At the end, Calvin is furious at Hobbes' prank only to discover that the report was great, and got an A+. (possibly Calvin's only good grade ever), and the arc ends with Calvin still trying to be mad at Hobbes for the principle of the thing as Hobbes gets starry eyed over a possible journalism career.
    • To elaborate, the report was to write and illustrate a story. Calvin decides to get out of it by going forward in time with Hobbes from 6:30 to 8:30, when he will have already written the paper. When that doesn't work, Calvin teams up with the 8:30 Calvin and they both travel back to 7:30 in an attempt to force that Calvin to do the homework. To put it simply, things end up escalating into a Mêlée à Trois. Meanwhile, the 6:30 Hobbes and the 8:30 Hobbes write Calvin's story and give it to him when he returns, resolving the whole mess. What they don't mention is that the story was about how he tried to avoid doing the assignment.
  • One strip has Calvin throw a snowball at Susie, misses, then comes back with a shovel full of snow,and chases Susie.
    • As funny as it sounds.
    • Another one has Calvin toss a snowball down a hill. There's a pause before he begins cheering, and we see Susie at the bottom of the hill having been plowed over by a massive snowball.
  • Calvin's mom's face in the last panel of this strip.
  • This strip from the last camping arc.
    Dad: Ta da! We're here!
    Calvin: Good ol' Itchy Island". Home of the nuclear mosquitoes.
    Dad: Bug bites build character.
    Calvin: Yeah, and last year you said diarrhea builds character.
    Dad: So think what a fine young man you're growing up to be.
    Calvin: ...If all this character doesn't kill me first.
    Dad: That reminds me, open the duffel bag and get out the spam.
    Calvin: If the canoe isn't here in the morning, it means Hobbes and I struck out for home.
  • Calvin's "smile" in this comic always cracks me up.
  • Susie's attempt to get Calvin to play house, including his refusal to accept her rabbit doll as their "baby." What really makes it work it that it's all drawn in the style of a serious, soap opera comic.
  • "Good heavens, I think I blew my face inside-out!"
  • "Do you believe in ghosts?"
  • This strip. The look on Calvin's dad's face is priceless, as well as the last panel.
    • The rest of that story arc counts too. Calvin is sick of being a kid and wants to be a tiger instead, so he dresses up as a tiger and goes out into the forest with Hobbes. At one point he reads that tigers are "secretive". They get into an argument, then Hobbes promises to give Calvin a hint.
    Calvin: Ok, shoot!
    Hobbes: The flea market.
    Calvin: THE FLEA MARKET?! WHAT KIND OF LOUSY HINT IS THAT?!
    Hobbes: Do you know how your parents got you?
    Calvin: I was...what? What are you saying?
    Hobbes: No more hints.
  • Hobbes gives Calvin a haircut that quickly goes horribly wrong. Bill Watterson went on record saying that he rarely laughs when he draws, but drawing the results of Hobbes' work actually cracked him up.
  • "...Our first president was NOT Chef Boy-Ar-Dee, and you ought to be ashamed to have turned in such preposterous answers!"
  • At one point Calvin is told to stop making a particular face, as it will freeze that way if he does so. This kicks off a week of strips containing the following:
    Panel 1: *Calvin walking about with zombie-grimace face*
    Panel 2: *approaches Hobbes, who jumps in surprise at the sight*
    Panel 3: *beat panel as Hobbes considers Calvin*
    Panel 4: *Hobbes adopts a similar expression and falls in with Calvin*
    Hobbes: *thinking* "When in Rome..."
    • Then right afterward, he and Hobbes make the face to Susie, and through her point-of-view, you just see Calvin standing there saying "Hi, Susie" with Hobbes as a stuffed tiger sitting next to him.
    • Later, Calvin's face does freeze, and he comes to the dinner table looking like that. After failing to explain why his face can't return to normal, he throws on a sheet with eye-holes proclaiming "Look, Elephant Man!"
  • This exchange:
    Calvin: Cigars are all the rage, Dad. You should smoke cigars!
    Calvin's Mom: Flatulence could be all the rage, but it would still be disgusting.
  • Calvin and Hobbes are at Susie's birthday party, and the birthday girl is passing around paper plates. Calvin confids in Hobbes his hopes that the cake isn't something gross, like coconut. Hobbes assures him that it's chocolate.
    Susie (Off-panel): HEY! WHO CUT A PIECE OF MY CAKE ALREADY?! I DIDN'T EVEN GET TO BLOW OUT THE CANDLES!!
    Hobbes, while Calvin Face Palms: It's nice and moist, too.
  • In one sunday strip, Calvin and Hobbes are outside walking through the snow;
    Calvin: I asked dad if he wanted to see some New Years resolutions I wrote. He said he'd be glad to, and he was pleased to see I was taking an interest in self-improvement. I told him the resolutions weren't for me, they were for him. That's why we're outside now.
    Hobbes: I wondered what the rush was.
  • An entire Sunday comic is devoted to Calvin's dinner reciting Hamlet to him. It then, after a short pause, begins singing. Calvin eats it before it can do anything else.
    • In the last panel, his mom remarks happily about how quickly he finished eating, and with a look of supreme disgust Calvin says "Let's never have that again."
  • When Calvin tells his mom he DOES have common sense when he's told he lacks it, he turns to the reader and says happily "I just choose to ignore it!"
  • In one arc, both Calvin and Susie have been sent to the principle's office (Susie was passing notes, and Calvin basically announced it for all the world to hear). They become worried that they may be spanked, and when Mr. Spittle comes to talk to them, they start freaking out, culminating in, "WAAHHHH!! I WISH WE WERE DEAD!!"
    Mr. Spittle: (Thinking, giving Aside Glance) I hate this job.
  • One in a multitude of strips where Hobbes and Calvin fight. In the middle of it, Susie walks in.
    Susie: I'm not sure what's weirder, that you're fighting a stuffed animal, or that you seem to be losing.
    Calvin: I'M NOT LOSING! HOBBES CHEATS! Quit it, you! Ow! Stop it!
    • Calvin's face just before he and Hobbes start fighting: "MUCHAS SMOOCHES?!"
  • Calvin's attempt to hit Susie with a pine cone, only for her to throw it back at him with her lacrosse stick.
  • Susie and Calvin discuss their roles in the school play, which is about food groups.
    Calvin: I'm still learning [my lines]. Being an onion is difficult, you know. What are you?
    Susie: I'm "fat".
    Calvin: No, I mean in the play.
    *next panel shows Calvin dazed on his back*
  • The Duplicate(s) arc, but especially:
    Hobbes: He's a duplicate of you alright.
    Calvin: What do you mean? This guy is a complete jerk!
    • Calvin and the multiple duplicates agree to split up going to school. When Duplicate #5 is asked to demonstrate a problem assigned the previous day, he insists he wasn't there.
      Miss Wormwood: Yes, you were, Calvin. Didn't you do your problem?
      Duplicate #5: I'm not Calvin. I'm Duplicate Number Five. Duplicate Two was here yesterday, not me. We're all taking turns. Number Two will be back next week, and you can ask him then.
      (later in Mr. Spittle's office)
      Duplicate #5: Look, I don't see what's so hard about this!
  • The retelling of Calvin's favorite book, Hamster Huey and the Gooey Kablooie as told by Calvin's dad, frustrated over having to read it night after night. While we never get hear the story, we see Calvin and Hobbes lying in bed afterwards with their eyes as big as dinner plates.
    Calvin: Wow, the story was different that time!
    Hobbes: Do you think the townsfolk will ever find Hamster Huey's head?
  • Pretty much the entire bat report arc. There's a damn good reason why the scene with Calvin reading his report provides the page image for Critical Research Failure.
    All the students but Calvin: BATS AREN'T BUGS!!!
    • Even funnier in the Anniversary edition, where Watterson mentions that, after that arc, he learned far more about Bats than he'd ever cared to know.
  • After Calvin gives Susie her Valentine, she's furious.
    Susie: Calvin you baloney brain! You sent me a hate-mail Valentine and a crummy bunch of dead flowers! So here's a Valentine for you, you insensitive clod! *nails him point blank with a snowball and walks away, smiling* 'A Valentine and flowers! He likes me!'
    Calvin, buried in the snow: 'She noticed! She likes me!'
  • The entire exchange about Calvin being called "Boy of Destiny".
    Miss Wormwood: Here is your paper, Susie. Very good. Here is yours, Calvin. By the way, you can stop signing your paper "Calvin, Boy of Destiny", and I think your time would be better spent studying than drawing "official notary seals" at the bottom.
    • And then:
    Susie: Everyone I know thinks your destiny is a private cage in the primate house.
  • When Calvin secedes from his family to go to the Yukon, he changes his mind after roughly a morning spent in the woods, leaving Hobbes behind in his rush to get back home. His parents go out there after dark to look, and his Mom actually calls out Hobbes' name. The sheepish look on her face coupled with his dad's reaction seals it.
    Dad: I may be crazy, but I'm not as crazy as you.
  • One where Calvin notices a door that he had never seen before in the hallway. He opens it, to find a gigantic Muppet-like version of his mom offering oatmeal. Calvin immediately panics, knowing this to be off, while "Mom" keeps trying to offer the oatmeal.
    Calvin: What's going on?! This isn't my house and you're not my mom! (two panels later) Auugh! I'm trapped in a lab and they're trying to make me imprint on my species before releasing me back to the wild!
    *Cue outside shot of a large scale model of Calvin's house in a cage, and two aliens in lab coats, one with the Mom Muppet*
    Alien with Muppet: He's onto us Wayne.
    Wayne: There goes our funding.
    *Calvin wakes up, heads to the table, where Mom is bringing him a bowl of oatmeal, wearing the same outfit*
    Mom: Morning. Here's your breakfast. What's wrong?
    Calvin: ... Prove you're my Mom...
  • Calvin & Hobbes are walking through the snow when Calvin begins ranting. Keep in mind that everything Calvin says here, except for his last line, is spread over three panels before Hobbes finally gets a word in.
    Calvin: Some people complain all the time! They complain about the least little thing! If something bugs them, they just never let go of it! They just go on and on, long after anyone else is interested! It's just complain, complain, complain! People who gripe all the time really drive me nuts! You'd think they'd change the subject after a while, but they never do! They just keep griping until you start to wonder "What's wrong with this idiot? But they go on complaining and repeating what they've already said!
    Hobbes: [with a long-suffering look] Maybe they're not very self-aware.
    Calvin: Boy, that's another thing that gets on my nerves!
  • One story where Calvin and Hobbes are playing with a Ouija board. Calvin decides to ask it if he will grow up to be President. The Ouija board's reply? "G-O-D-F-O-R-B-I-D."
    Calvin: When I want an editorial, I'll ask for it, you stupid board!
  • In one strip, Calvin bemoans how cold it is and asks why they can't turn up the heat. His dad explains that it would cost too much money and waste valuable energy.
    Calvin: Oh.
    Dad: And being cold builds character.
    Calvin: I KNEW IT!
  • In an early Rosalyn story arc, Rosalyn puts Calvin and Hobbes to bed early, as usual. Calvin and Hobbes decide to make a lot of noise to annoy her.
    Rosalyn: Calvin, I just wanted to remind you that sleeping in a bed is a privilege. The basement is sure to be a lot less cozy.
    Hobbes: *whispering* What did she mean, "the basement"?
    Calvin: SHHH!
  • Calvin's feud with his bicycle is good for a few laughs. One strip has the bike jump Calvin, who returns with a lasso and ties the bike to a tree.
    Calvin's Dad: Sheesh, you buy the kid a good, expensive lock, and look.
  • Miss Wormwood: Calvin, are you chewing gum in class?
    Calvin: Yeth.
    Miss Wormwood: Do you have enough to share with everybody?
    Calvin: (pulls a giant glob of gum out of his mouth) Probably, but do you really think they'd want it??
    (cut to Calvin in the principal's office)
    Calvin: It was her idea…
  • Miss Wormwood: OK, you've all ready the chapter, so let's review. Calvin, where was the Byzantine empire?
    (Calvin makes a face of shock, then ponders)
  • Calvin walks by Mom, proclaiming himself to be her "big accomplishment in life". Cut to Mom talking to Dad: "I'm depressed."
  • One of the more bizarre "Calvin's dinner comes to life" gags, this time reciting Hamlet Act III Scene 1 ("To be, or not to be"). It then stabs itself with a fork and "dies", leaving Calvin to wonder what just happened. It promptly comes back to life and starts singing "Feelings". Calvin eats it right away just to shut it up.
  • "It's the Show and Tell that was never shown or told! Ha ha ha! '''Ah Ha Ha Ha Ha!'''"
    "Everyone wants the same ol' thing..."
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