Funny / Cabin Pressure

  • "Boston": Mr. Leeman doesn't want to put out a cigarette, so Arthur's response is to, when the fire alarm sounds, spray him down with the fire extinguisher, which gives him a heart attack. Arthur then decides to give a eulogy:
    Arthur: Well, goodbye, then. I feel someone should, um, say a few words. [He unfolds a piece of paper] Hamilton R Leeman. Born 1943 in Ö America, probably; died 2008 in the sky Ė definitely. Non-vegetarian option. I didnít know you for very long, Mr. Leeman, but Iíll always remember you as Ö as a shouty man. You loved to shout; shout and smoke Ė those were your twin passions. And so, i-in a way, I suppose you died doing what you loved: shouting and smoking, and covered in foam. I donít know if you liked that. You probably didnít. Still, goodbye! Rest in peace! [beat] Thank you for flying MJN Air!
  • From "Douz", MJN needs a new brochure, and a discussion arises on the previous cover photo:
    Arthur: Mumís reprinting our company brochure, and she said I could have a go at taking a picture for the cover.
    Douglas: Oh dear. Does that mean weíre losing the current one?
    Martin: The one with Carolyn strangling a customer?
    Douglas: I always thought that summed up MJN Air rather well.
  • "Fitton":
    • The episode opens by showing that Arthur has learned rather a lot from Douglas' in-flight announcements:
      [bing bong!]
      Arthur: [posh voice] Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, lords and ladies, Your Majesty. This is your captain speaking, Captain Wing Commander Sir Arthur Shappey, welcoming you aboard this world record-attempting flight around... the world. Er, passengers on both sides of the aircraft should have excellent views of... the world. If you find we're going over a bit of the world you like the look of, er, do please ring your little bell and one of the cabin crew will fit you with a parachute and chuck you out. Otherwise, enjoy the flight and, er, when we get to Sydney, do keep an eye out for the Sydney Harbour Bridge, I'm gonna have a crack at flying underneath it.
      Carolyn: [knocking at the flight deck door] Hey, Wing Commander! Less yammering, more hoovering!
      Arthur: Sorry, Mum! [switches on hoover]
    • All of Arthur's spirited but horrible attempts at singing. He has a tune Douglas was singing stuck in his head, but every time he tries to sing it, it sounds completely different, and Douglas initially mistakes the "ANH ANH ANH" noises he uses to try to render the melody for his impression of the noises Douglas himself made when Martin shut his hand in the cabin door.
    • With nothing to do while waiting for charter passenger Mr. Goddard and the rain falling in torrents outside, Martin suggests they run through the Standard Operating Procedure for evacuation in the event of smoke or fire in the cabin. Douglas and Carolyn split their sides laughing when Martin gets to the instruction "Captain dons cap, enters cabin to assist passengers."
      Douglas: Oh yeah! You have to don your cap before dealing with a fire!
      Carolyn: Otherwise, how will the fire know who the captain is?!
      Martin: [put upon] It's for the passengers.
      Douglas: "The boy stood on the burning deck whence all but he had fled..."
      Carolyn: "His heart was in his mouth, but lo, his cap was on his head!"
    • Martin goes off to the flight deck to sulk, and Douglas follows him to apologise. Martin anguishes over the fact that he could write "Captain" on his forehead in lipstick and people would still mistake Douglas for the captain, which does at least thaw tensions between them:
      Martin: "First Officer leaves through nearest exit. Captain writes 'Captain' on forehead with lipstick, dons cap, enters cabin."
      Douglas: "In the unlikely event of Captain non-recognition, Captain doffs cap, gestures to lipstick inscription."
  • "Ipswich": Douglas is not overly in awe of his captain. He roleplays situations where he is for every drop of sarcasm he can:
    • The five-step process of proposing a solution to a problem the captain might not have noticed: get the captain's attention (done in informal cockpits by saying "Hey, Chief!"), point out the problem but soften the blow with "I might be wrong, but I think...", indicate how it makes you feel, propose a solution beginning with the words "One thing we could do is...", and obtain buy-in to the idea with "How does that sound to you?" When session moderator Peter asks Douglas to try it, he completely demolishes the entire approach:
      Douglas: "Hey, Chief. I might be wrong, but I think we're flying into a mountain. This makes me feel ... scared of the mountain! One thing we could do is pull up and fly over the mountain. How does that sound to SPHLOOMM!"
      Peter: ... yes, of course, in- in that situation, you might need to react a little more instinctively.
      Douglas: Oh, do you think so?
    • The five-step process re-appears when Arthur, true to form, completely fails the tests, but Douglas finds a way to save MJN:
      Douglas: [clears throat] Hey, Chief.
      Carolyn: What?
      Douglas: I might be wrong ... [laughs] Sorry, I really must learn to say that with a straight face. I might be wrong, but I think Arthur's about to lose us all our jobs.
      Carolyn: This is not—
      Douglas: Hang on, I'm only on step two. This makes me feel ... unemployed. And also a little surprised, given that I've heard quite a lot recently that the number of passengers at which it becomes compulsory to carry a flight attendant is nineteen. And I just wonder how often that situation's going to occur in our aircraft ... with its sixteen seats.
      Carolyn: Ah.
      Douglas: And: How does that sound to you?
  • "Johannesburg":
    • The Teaser features Arthur's Delusions of Eloquence and Carolyn's utterly deadpan translation thereof:
      [bing bong!]
      Arthur: Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, our onboard transit process today has now reached its ultimate termination.
      Carolyn: ... he means we've landed.
      Arthur: Yes. So, as yourselves prepare for disemboarding, if I could kindly ask you to kindly ensure you retain all your personal items about your person throughout the duration of the disembarcation.
      Carolyn: ... he means take your stuff with you.
      Arthur: In concluding, it's been a privilege for ourselves to conduct yourselves through the in-flight experience today, and I do hope you'll re-favour ourselves with the esteem of your forth-looking custom going forward.
      Carolyn: ... no idea.note 
    • As he has to work on his daughter's birthday, Douglas ropes Martin into a Berlin Airlift-style boiled sweet drop over the party, complete with waggling the aircraft's wings à la Gail Halvorsen. Unfortunately, things don't go as planned, as Carolyn notes when she gives him a bollocking back at Fitton:
      Douglas: It occurred to me that if we filled the air brake cavity with boiled sweets and then opened it just as we were flying over-
      Carolyn: You could strafe your daughter's birthday party.
      Douglas: No, not strafe! We weren't going anything like fast enough! We did check!
      Martin: I did the calculations.
      Douglas: And we were quite sure the sweets would flutter gently down to the excited children beneath. And so they would have done - if... it hadn't been rather a hot day, and the sweets in the metal compartment hadn't melted a little. And then, up in the cold air, solidified again into a... er...
      Carolyn: A sugar brick.
      Douglas: [guiltily] Yes.
      Carolyn: Which you dropped on your ex-wife's house.
      Douglas: Ye-e-es... but we were very lucky really. We could have hit her conservatory, or her BMW.
      Carolyn: Or a child!
      Douglas: Now, don't exaggerate! All the children had run for safety long before it landed!
      Carolyn: That is not as re-assuring a sentence as you seem to think.
      Douglas: I'm just saying we couldn't have hit a child. But I admit we could have hit a car.
      Carolyn: But you didn't hit a car, did you? You hit a carp.
      Douglas: [embarrassed] Yes.
      Carolyn: Do you have any idea how much a koi carp costs!?
      Douglas: I do now, yes.
    • The incident with the koi carp sets up a Brick Joke when Douglas decides that one way to save money on the flight to Johannesburg in order to come under the maximum cost Carolyn has set for him is to cook dinner for him and Martin at home and then bring it with him. Martin is impressed by Douglas' culinary skills, at least until he learns that the main course is... koi carp.
      Douglas: When I pay a thousand pounds for a fish, I don't just throw it in the bin.
  • "Limerick":
    • As this episode opens, MJN are on the return leg of a courier job from Hong Kong to Limerick. The long flight is apparently causing Sanity Slippage in Douglas - and Martin as well...note 
      [bing bong!]
      Douglas: Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. We're now about halfway through our flight from Hong Kong to Limerick, and I just thought I'd let you know that I... am... bored. Bored, bored, bored, bored... bored. We are, unbelievably, still flying over Russia, which continues to be stupidly big. Really enormous. Far bigger than necessary. We've been in the air now for about a week, and it doesn't look like we'll be landing until the last syllable of recorded time. So, if anyone on board knows any card tricks, ghost stories, or would like to have some sex, please do make your way to the flight deck. Thank you.
      [bing bong!]
      Martin: [embarrassed] Err... ladies and gentlemen, I do- I do profoundly apologise for my first officer and his badly misjudged attempt at humour. I do hope you weren't distressed by his outburst, and let me just say, in his defence, that up here in the flight deck, it is... [his tone shifts from embarrassment to disgust] UN-BE-LIE-VABLY BORING!
      Douglas: Sooo boring.
      Martin: So very, very, very, very boring!
      Douglas, Martin: [in unison] Bo-o-o-ored!
    • Douglas' evil cackling during the word game (people who aren't evil but have evil-sounding names):
      Mark me well... Soon you will rue the day you dared to cross...Russell Crowe.
    • Arthur is attempting to learn the phonetic alphabet so Martin and Douglas are quizzing him whenever he pops into the cockpit. His progress is about what you'd expect.
      • As he brings coffee into the cockpit:
        Arthur: Coffee, chaps? Wow! Brilliant sunset!
        Martin, Douglas: [simultaneously, angrily] No it isn't!/No it's not!note 
        Arthur: Oh. Okay... rubbish sunset.
        Martin: Arthur? M.
        Arthur: What? Oh! Er... Mountain! Moccasin! Magma!
        Carolyn: What's this, now?
        Douglas: Arthur's trying to learn the phonetic alphabet. He favours the spot check method of revision. None of the above, Arthur, no.
        Arthur: Errr... Molecule? Mongoose! Mosquito!
        Martin: Shorter.
        Arthur: Mosque!
        Carolyn: It's a name.
        Arthur: McNamara! Mitchinson! Moon!
        Douglas: A first name.
        Arthur: Er, Martin... er, Maggie - Milly - Molly - Mandy - Matthew - Michael-
        Carolyn: Nearly! Shorter!
        Arthur: Mickey! Mick! Mih! Muh!note 
        Martin: ... no, Arthur, the phonetic alphabet version of the letter M is not "Muh". It's Mike!
        Arthur: Aagh!... I was close, then!
        Martin: In comparison to "Molecule" or "Milly-Molly-Mandy", yes!
      • Later, as he attempts to forge ahead at two games he is playing with the pilots to pass the time, writing a limerick about Vyshny Volochyok and Twenty Questions about their cargo:note 
        Arthur: Er, chaps, two quick things-
        Douglas: J.
        Arthur: What? Oh! Er - Justin! Jeffrey! Jilly! Jenny! Georgina!
        Martin: It's one half of a famous pair of lovers?
        Arthur: June!
        Douglas: ... if you can imagine such a thing, a pair of lovers even more famous than Terry And June.
        Martin: Romeo and...
        Arthur: Jomeo. Julia! Juliet!
        Martin, Douglas: YES!
        Arthur: YES! I got that quite quickly, didn't I?
        Douglas: ... quite quickly.
      • Later still...
        Martin: Arthur! F!
        Arthur: Ooh! Fox!
        Douglas: Nearly!
        Arthur: Er... Foxes!
        Martin: Fox-something! Fox-what?
        Arthur: Fox-what. Foxhat. Foxhead! Foxclock! Foxface! Foxbox!
        Martin: No, not Foxbox! It's a type of dance!
        Arthur: Tango!
        Martin: No, the phonetic alphabet for F is not "Tango"!
        Douglas: Foxtrot.
        Arthur: Ohhh. I nearly said that. I got the "fox" bit!
        Martin: [sarcastically] Well done!
      • And finally...
        Carolyn: But, Arthur... B!
        Arthur: Oh! Big! Bag! Bog! Bob! Bush! Ball! Bag! Bug! Bag - Bag - Bag-
        Carolyn: It is not "Bag"! Two syllables.
        Arthur: Balloon! Baboon! Bassoon! Bubble! Babble! Bag- Bagbag! Baghdad!
        Martin: No! It's something you say at the end of a play.
        Arthur: Bye-bye!
        Carolyn: No! What you say to the actors!
        Arthur: Booo!
        Douglas: No! Like "Encore"!
        Arthur: Boncore!
        Martin: [his patience running out] Bravo!
        Arthur: Ohhh! Yes, I knew that!
        Douglas: ... you really, really didn't.
        Arthur: Another!
        Carolyn: No!
        Arthur: Go on, please, just one more! One last one!
        Douglas: All right, er... G.
        Arthur: Golf.
        [Carolyn, Douglas, and Martin are momentarily speechless]
        Douglas: ... yes, that's right!
        Arthur: Well, obviously I know some of them...
  • In the Christmas episode, "Molokai", Douglas discovering that his bottle of extremely expensive wine (which he's spent most of the episode trying to get his hands on by manipulating the Secret Santa) has been "mulled" by Arthur. (Lacking the proper equipment, Arthur has "mulled" it by adding orange tic-tacs and putting it in the microwave.)
  • "Qikiqtarjuaq":
    • Martin's various attempts at a (horrendous) French accent, and especially his story involving the egg-beater and the pogo-stick.
    • Douglas, after performing a bombing run over the polar bears of the title settlement (with Martin screaming in the background), is informed that he left the cabin address on.
      "Oh dear. Now that, I admit, was a bit unprofessional."
  • "Ottery St. Mary":
    • The opening scene finds Douglas at his deadpan best.
      • At first, Arthur is the only target for Douglas' snark, until Martin contacts them on sat comm:
        Arthur: [entering flight deck] Here we are, chaps- er, chap. Coffee for you, Douglas, and coffee for you... to maybe have a bit later on, Douglas.
        Douglas: Did you by any chance forget that Martin wasn't flying today, Arthur?
        Arthur: No, I didn't actually, it's just I only know the amounts to make coffee for two people.
        Douglas: You could just have made half what you usually make.
        Arthur: Well, I couldn't, because I'd only know what to make half of once I've made it, and once I've made it, I've made it.
        Douglas: Oh, well, fair enough then, I didn't realise you'd addressed the problem scientifically. [the sat comm beeps; Douglas answers it] Hello, Starbucks, Irish Sea.
        Martin: [over sat comm] Douglas, it's Martin.
        Douglas: Hello there, enjoying your day off?
        Martin: No. Douglas, how long 'til you land?
        Douglas: 'Bout half an hour, why?
        Martin: Great! Is Arthur there?
        Douglas: Well, not all there...
        Arthur: Hello Skip! [chuckles] This is weird, isn't it? 'Cos normally, when I'm here, listening to someone on sat comm, you're here too, listening to them, only now you're there, where they are, and I'm here, where you usually are... and where I usually am... and am now... talking to you!
        Douglas: [Beat] You find Arthur in philosophical mood.
        Martin: Arthur, I need you to help me.
        Arthur: Brilliant, I love helping!
        Martin: Well... this is a big help, a very big help.
        Arthur: No-o-o problem Skip, I am a very big helper!
        Martin: Well, Arthur - erm, Douglas, are you still listening?
        Douglas: I don't have an enormous amount of choice, Martin.
        Martin: Can't you put your fingers in your ears?
        Douglas: Well, heaven knows I'm not generally a stickler for safety procedures, but I'm not certain that's a good idea whilst flying an aeroplane.
      • So Martin admits the reason he is contacting GERTI on sat comm:
        Martin: Fine. [sighs] Arthur, I'm at Fitton Hospital.
        Arthur: Oh no, are you all right?
        Martin: No! I've sprained my ankle.
        Douglas: Oh dear, how did you do that?
        Martin: I was... doesn't matter how.
        Douglas: [audibly smirking in anticipation] Mmmmartin...
        Martin: Look, it's a perfectly valid tool when teaching best safety practice to demonstrate the wrong way as well as the right way!
        Douglas: [amused disbelief] You twisted your ankle whilst teaching someone how not to twist their ankle.
        Martin: [sighs again] Anyway, Arthur, you know how though I'm mostly a pilot, I'm also a bit of a... man with a van?
        Arthur: Yeah?
        Martin: Well, today - right now, actually - I'm supposed to be picking up a piano in Fitton and delivering it to a pub in Devon.
        Arthur: Wouldn't have thought you could do that with a sprained ankle.
        Martin: [exasperated] No, Arthur, I can't. This is where the "you helping me" part comes in. My van is at the airfield, and the addresses and the spare van keys are in my pigeonhole.
        Douglas: Spare Van Keys, didn't we fly him to Amsterdam once?
        Martin: [impatiently] Douglas, shush! Arthur, when you land, do you think you could... [hems uncertainly] C-c-could you pick them up, find my van, pick me up at the hospital, drive me to Fitton, load a piano, and then... drive me to Ottery St. Mary?
        Arthur: [Beat] Yeah, no problem. All right, 'bye!
      • Douglas understandably questions Martin's decision, and the two-person expedition suddenly grows to three:
        Douglas: Really, Martin? Arthur? Is this wise?
        Arthur: Hey!
        Martin: I-I know, I know! But I- I don't have a choice!
        Arthur: Double hey! I can do it!
        Douglas: Would it be worse for you to cancel the job, or to rely on Arthur - Arthur - to pick up and drive a piano - a piano - two hundred miles in a van - a van?
        Arthur: Why shouldn't I?
        Douglas: Because, Arthur: you're a clot.
        Arthur: I'm not a clot!... What's a clot?
        Douglas: Well, you know the way that you are and the things that you do?
        Arthur: Yeah?
        Douglas: Those are the ways of a clot.
        Martin: Douglas, you're forgetting I'll be there with him the whole time, supervising.
        Douglas: [sarcastically] Oh, then, what could possibly go wrong??
        Martin: Anyway, there's no-one else to ask!
        Douglas: No-one?
        Martin: No.
        Douglas: [does his best "Aren't you forgetting someone?" throat clearing]
        Martin: [delighted] Really?? Would you?
        Douglas: Well, I've nothing else to do today, and it's always useful to have someone owe you a colossal favour.
        Martin: [much less delighted by that idea] Mm.
        Arthur: But... I can still come, right?
        Douglas: Of course!
        Martin: Er - really, Douglas?
        Douglas: Oh, yes, I see my role as very much a managerial one, with perhaps a little light driving. If you want actual piano-shoving done, we'll need a piano-shover.
        Arthur: Brilliant!
    • "Yellow car!" The rules of "Yellow Car" are simple: whenever you see a yellow car driving in the opposite direction, say, "Yellow car!" Douglas correctly predicts that the game has no object and no ending. This does not stop Martin from almost involuntarily playing the game along with Arthur after they have to turn back to Fitton when Arthur forgets the delivery address for the piano they are transporting.
    • Arthur asks why Ottery St. Mary is so named, and Douglas spins a nonsensical story of St. Mary, patron saint of Devon, being eaten alive by otters. He proceeds to get into an argument with first Arthur, then Martin about how many otters they can imagine, which then leads to a protracted discussion about how they might fit a hundred otters on GERTI.
      Douglas: So, 32 in the seats, 16 in the overhead lockers, 16 under the seats, 6 in the galley...
      Martin: Fifteen in the hold?
      Douglas: Oh, twenty easily, and six or seven in the aisle.
      Martin: Call it seven.
      Douglas: That's what, 97, and three in the flight deck. A hundred!
      Arthur: Brilliant!
      Martin: [firmly] No. Not in the flight deck.
      Douglas: Hypothetically, though-
      Martin: I don't care how hypothetical it is, Iím not flying with a live otter in the flight deck!
      Douglas: I don't see why not. Historically, very few hijackings have been carried out by otters.
      Martin: Well, I'm sorry, but I donít think the Civil Aviation Authority would be too keen on the idea!
      Douglas: To be quite honest with you, Captain, I don't think there's a whole lot about this plane full of unsupervised otters the CAA is going to love.
    • Upon returning to Fitton for the address of the pub to which they are delivering the piano and finding Carolyn on a date with the dashing Captain Herc, Douglas retrieves the piano from the van before launching into a rendition of 'That's Amore'.
  • Douglas and Herc's "syrup-off" in "Rotterdam", as they compete over the recording of MJN's welcome announcement.
    Carolyn: No, I don't like it either, Martin, but since we have a pilot who sounds like Stephen Fry's favourite uncle, we might as well use him.
  • From "St Petersburg", Arthur's repeated Verbal Backspaces after bringing Martin a beverage after their emergency landing.
    Arthur: Here you are, Skip. Nice hot cup of coffee.
    Martin: Oh. [takes a sip] Augh! It's cold!
    Arthur: Nice cup of coffee.
    Martin: It's horrible!
    Arthur: Cup of coffee.
    Martin: I'm not even sure it is coffee.
    Arthur: Cup.
  • "Uskerty":
    • Arthur getting a go on the tannoy of the disused Kilkenny airport:
      Arthur: Can I have your attention, please. This is the airport speaking. Listen to the airport. Flight 2020202 is now ready for boarding at gate... eight. It isn't late. It will not wait. If you want to be on that aeroplane... it's time to get on the aeroplane now. If you have young children, put them on the aeroplane. If you have any hand baggage, put it on the aeroplane. If you have any bombs... they're not allowed on the aeroplane. Please put them... in the bin. Okay, bye! Love... the airport.
    • The sheer It Makes Sense in Context...ness of the end:note 
      Martin: [firmly] No, I'm sorry, Carolyn. I carried the sheep for you. I climbed the tree. I rode in the back of the truck. But now, I need to X-ray these geese.
      Douglas: [almost audibly grinning] Always the extra mile.
  • The entire B-plot of "Wokingham": Douglas and Carolyn try to outlast each other at using only monosyllabic words.
    Carolyn: Tea?
    Douglas: No, could I have— ...the one that is not tea?
    Carolyn: The one that is not tea. Which one is that?
    Douglas: You know what it is.
    Carolyn: Beer! Oh, dear Doug, no, you can't have beer.
    Douglas: No, not beer...
    Carolyn: Wine! No, no wine for you, my friend.
    Douglas: I do not want wine. I want the hot drink made from a bean, which comes in types such as "Gold Blend."
    Carolyn: I think I know which one you mean, but I will need you to ask for it by name, just to be sure.
    Douglas: Fine. I will have tea.
  • "Xinzhou":
    • At the beginning of the episode, Martin and Douglas determining whether the weather conditions are safe for takeoff by having a snowball fight.
    • The "Fizz-Buzz" game reaching its climax when Arthur suggests a variant that consists entirely of saying "fizz" and "buzz".
      Arthur: GERTI's playing!
  • "Zurich":
    • Arthur records the chimes for his new ice cream van. Consisting of Arthur singing the word "ice cream" over and over to the tune of Greensleeves.
    • Douglas impersonates Gordon. Martin impersonates Douglas. Arthur impersonates himself, but with a horrendous Australian accent.
    • At the beginning of Part 2, Part 1 is recapped by Arthur, who is explaining to his girlfriend why he can't attend her horse dressage event.
      Arthur: ...Yeah, no, no, good point, Tiffy. I've probably told you enough.


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