Funny / Cabin Pressure

  • "Boston": Mr. Leeman doesn't want to put out a cigarette, so Arthur's response is to, when the fire alarm sounds, spray him down with the fire extinguisher, which gives him a heart attack. Arthur then decides to give a eulogy:
    Arthur: Well, goodbye, then. I feel someone should, um, say a few words. [He unfolds a piece of paper] Hamilton R Leeman. Born 1943 in Ö America, probably; died 2008 in the sky Ė definitely. Non-vegetarian option. I didnít know you for very long, Mr. Leeman, but Iíll always remember you as Ö as a shouty man. You loved to shout; shout and smoke Ė those were your twin passions. And so, i-in a way, I suppose you died doing what you loved: shouting and smoking, and covered in foam. I donít know if you liked that. You probably didnít. Still, goodbye! Rest in peace! [beat] Thank you for flying MJN Air!
  • From "Douz", MJN needs a new brochure, a discussion arises on the previous cover photo:
    Arthur: Mumís reprinting our company brochure, and she said I could have a go at taking a picture for the cover.
    Douglas: Oh dear. Does that mean weíre losing the current one?
    Martin: The one with Carolyn strangling a customer?
    Douglas: I always thought that summed up MJN Air rather well.
  • "Fitton":
  • "Ipswich": Douglas is not overly in awe of his captain. He roleplays situations where he is for every drop of sarcasm he can:
    • The five-step process of proposing a solution to a problem the captain might not have noticed: get the captain's attention (done in informal cockpits by saying "Hey, Chief!"), point out the problem but soften the blow with "I might be wrong, but I think...", indicate how it makes you feel, propose a solution beginning with the words "One thing we could do is...", and obtain buy-in to the idea with "How does that sound to you?" When session moderator Peter asks Douglas to try it, he completely demolishes the entire approach:
      Douglas: "Hey, Chief. I might be wrong, but I think we're flying into a mountain. This makes me feel ... scared of the mountain! One thing we could do is pull up and fly over the mountain. How does that sound to SPHLOOMM!"
      Peter: ... yes, of course, in- in that situation, you might need to react a little more instinctively.
      Douglas: Oh, do you think so?
    • The five-step process re-appears when Arthur, true to form, completely fails the tests, but Douglas finds a way to save MJN:
      Douglas: [clears throat] Hey, Chief.
      Carolyn: What?
      Douglas: I might be wrong ... [laughs] Sorry, I really must learn to say that with a straight face. I might be wrong, but I think Arthur's about to lose us all our jobs.
      Carolyn: This is not—
      Douglas: Hang on, I'm only on step two. This makes me feel ... unemployed. And also a little surprised, given that I've heard quite a lot recently that the number of passengers at which it becomes compulsory to carry a flight attendant is nineteen. And I just wonder how often that situation's going to occur in our aircraft ... with its sixteen seats.
      Carolyn: Ah.
      Douglas: And: How does that sound to you?
  • "Limerick":
    • Douglas' evil cackling during the word game (people who aren't evil but have evil-sounding names):
      Mark me well... Soon you will rue the day you dared to cross...Russell Crowe.
    • Arthur is attempting to learn the phonetic alphabet so Martin and Douglas are quizzing him whenever he pops into the cockpit. His progress is about what you'd expect.
      • As he brings coffee into the cockpit:
        Martin: Arthur? M.
        Arthur: What? Oh! Er... Mountain! Moccasin! Magma!
        Carolyn: What's this, now?
        Douglas: Arthur's trying to learn the phonetic alphabet. He favours the spot check method of revision. None of the above, Arthur, no.
        Arthur: Errr... Molecule? Mongoose! Mosquito!
        Martin: Shorter.
        Arthur: Mosque!
        Carolyn: It's a name.
        Arthur: McNamara! Mitchinson! Moon!
        Douglas: A first name.
        Arthur: Er, Martin... er, Maggie - Milly - Molly - Mandy - Matthew - Michael-
        Carolyn: Nearly! Shorter!
        Arthur: Mickey! Mick! Mih! Muh!note 
        Martin: ... no, Arthur, the phonetic alphabet version of the letter M is not "Muh". It's Mike!
        Arthur: Aagh!... I was close, then!
        Martin: In comparison to "Molecule" or "Milly-Molly-Mandy", yes!
      • Later, as he attempts to forge ahead at two games the crew are playing to pass the time, writing limericks and Twenty Questions:
        Arthur: Er, chaps, two quick things-
        Douglas: J.
        Arthur: What? Oh! Er - Justin! Jeffrey! Jilly! Jenny! Georgina!
        Martin: It's one half of a famous pair of lovers?
        Arthur: June!
        Douglas: ... if you can imagine such a thing, a pair of lovers even more famous than Terry And June.
        Martin: Romeo and...
        Arthur: Jomeo. Julia! Juliet!
        Martin, Douglas: YES!
        Arthur: YES! I got that quite quickly, didn't I?
        Douglas: ... quite quickly.
      • Later still...
        Martin: Arthur! F!
        Arthur: Ooh! Fox!
        Douglas: Nearly!
        Arthur: Er... Foxes!
        Martin: Fox-something! Fox-what?
        Arthur: Fox-what. Foxhat. Foxhead! Foxclock! Foxface! Foxbox!
        Martin: No, not Foxbox! It's a type of dance!
        Arthur: Tango!
        Martin: No, the phonetic alphabet for F is not "Tango"!
        Douglas: Foxtrot.
        Arthur: Ohhh. I nearly said that. I got the "fox" bit!
        Martin: [sarcastically] Well done!
      • And finally...
        Carolyn: Arthur! B!
        Arthur: Oh! Big! Bag! Bog! Bob! Bush! Ball! Bag! Bug! Bag - Bag - Bag-
        Carolyn: It is not "Bag"! Two syllables.
        Arthur: Balloon! Baboon! Bassoon! Bubble! Babble! Bag- Bagbag! Baghdad!
        Martin: No! It's something you say at the end of a play.
        Arthur: Bye-bye!
        Carolyn: No! What you say to the actors!
        Arthur: Booo!
        Douglas: No! Like "Encore"!
        Arthur: Boncore!
        Martin: [his patience running out] Bravo!
        Arthur: Ohhh! Yes, I knew that!
        Douglas: ... you really, really didn't.
        Arthur: Another!
        Carolyn: No!
        Arthur: Go on, please, just one more! One last one!
        Douglas: All right, er... G.
        Arthur: Golf.
        [Carolyn, Douglas, and Martin are momentarily speechless]
        Douglas: ... yes, that's right!
        Arthur: Well, obviously I know some of them...
  • In the Christmas episode, "Molokai", Douglas discovering that his bottle of extremely expensive wine (which he's spent most of the episode trying to get his hands on by manipulating the Secret Santa) has been "mulled" by Arthur. (Lacking the proper equipment, Arthur has "mulled" it by adding orange tic-tacs and putting it in the microwave.)
  • "Qikiqtarjuaq":
    • Martin's various attempts at a (horrendous) French accent, and especially his story involving the egg-beater and the pogo-stick.
    • Douglas, after performing a bombing run over the polar bears of the title settlement (with Martin screaming in the background), is informed that he left the cabin address on.
      "Oh dear. Now that, I admit, was a bit unprofessional."
  • "Ottery St. Mary":
    • Upon finding Carolyn on a date with the dashing Captain Herc, Douglas retrieves a piano from the van he and the others are driving to Ottery St. Mary before launching into a rendition of 'That's Amore'.
    • "Yellow car!" The rules of "Yellow Car" are simple: whenever you see a yellow car driving in the opposite direction, say, "Yellow car!" Douglas correctly predicts that the game has no object and no ending. This does not stop Martin from almost involuntarily playing the game along with Arthur after they have to turn back to Fitton when Arthur forgets the delivery address for the piano they are transporting.
    • Arthur asks why Ottery St. Mary is so named, and Douglas spins a nonsensical story of St. Mary, patron saint of Devon, being eaten alive by otters. He proceeds to get into an argument with first Arthur, then Martin about how many otters they can imagine, which then leads to a protracted discussion about how they might fit a hundred otters on GERTI.
      Douglas: So, 32 in the seats, 16 in the overhead lockers, 16 under the seats, 6 in the galley...
      Martin: Fifteen in the hold?
      Douglas: Oh, twenty easily, and six or seven in the aisle.
      Martin: Call it seven.
      Douglas: That's what, 97, and three in the flight deck. A hundred!
      Arthur: Brilliant!
      Martin: [firmly] No. Not in the flight deck.
      Douglas: Hypothetically, though-
      Martin: I don't care how hypothetical it is, Iím not flying with a live otter in the flight deck!
      Douglas: I don't see why not. Historically, very few hijackings have been carried out by otters.
      Martin: Well, I'm sorry, but I donít think the Civil Aviation Authority would be too keen on the idea!
      Douglas: To be quite honest with you, Captain, I don't think there's a whole lot about this plane full of unsupervised otters the CAA is going to love.
  • Douglas and Herc's "syrup-off" in "Rotterdam", as they compete over the recording of MJN's welcome announcement.
    Carolyn: No, I don't like it either, Martin, but since we have a pilot who sounds like Stephen Fry's favourite uncle, we might as well use him.
  • "Uskerty":
    • Arthur getting a go on the tannoy of the disused Kilkenny airport:
      Arthur: Can I have your attention, please. This is the airport speaking. Listen to the airport. Flight 2020202 is now ready for boarding at gate... eight. It isn't late. It will not wait. If you want to be on that aeroplane... it's time to get on the aeroplane now. If you have young children, put them on the aeroplane. If you have any hand baggage, put it on the aeroplane. If you have any bombs... they're not allowed on the aeroplane. Please put them... in the bin. Okay, bye! Love... the airport.
    • The sheer It Makes Sense in Context...ness of the end:note 
      Martin: [firmly] No, I'm sorry, Carolyn. I carried the sheep for you. I climbed the tree. I rode in the back of the truck. But now, I need to X-ray these geese.
      Douglas: [almost audibly grinning] Always the extra mile.
  • The entire B-plot of "Wokingham": Douglas and Carolyn try to outlast each other at using only monosyllabic words.
    Carolyn: Tea?
    Douglas: No, could I have— ...the one that is not tea?
    Carolyn: The one that is not tea. Which one is that?
    Douglas: You know what it is.
    Carolyn: Beer! Oh, dear Doug, no, you can't have beer.
    Douglas: No, not beer...
    Carolyn: Wine! No, no wine for you, my friend.
    Douglas: I do not want wine. I want the hot drink made from a bean, which comes in types such as "Gold Blend."
    Carolyn: I think I know which one you mean, but I will need you to ask for it by name, just to be sure.
    Douglas: Fine. I will have tea.
  • "Xinzhou":
    • At the beginning of the episode, Martin and Douglas determining whether the weather conditions are safe for takeoff by having a snowball fight.
    • The "Fizz-Buzz" game reaching its climax when Arthur suggests a variant that consists entirely of saying "fizz" and "buzz".
      Arthur: GERTI's playing!
  • "Zurich":
    • Arthur records the chimes for his new ice cream van. Consisting of Arthur singing the word "ice cream" over and over to the tune of Greensleeves.
    • Douglas impersonates Gordon. Martin impersonates Douglas. Arthur impersonates himself, but with a horrendous Australian accent.
    • At the beginning of Part 2, Part 1 is recapped by Arthur, who is explaining to his girlfriend why he can't attend her horse dressage event.
      Arthur: ...Yeah, no, no, good point, Tiffy. I've probably told you enough.