Funny: Buffy the Vampire Slayer
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- Amilyn's arm has just been accidentally sheared off at the shoulder. He glances at it, then frowns at the sidekick. "You ruined my new jacket!" He then looks at his vampire henchmen and orders, "Kill him a lot!"
- This same character's death scene, near the end of the movie. An exceptionally hammy Paul Reubens milks it for all it's worth.
Amilyn: Ooooh... aaaaaah.... oooooohhhh.... aaaaaahhhh.... (steals a glance at Buffy) Oooooh.... aaaaah....
- He continues to die over the end credits.
- This exchange:
Buffy: You were my friend!
Grueller (now a vampire): Now, I'm a god!
[Buffy kicks Grueller in the face, knocking him right back into Pike, who promptly stabs him through the heart with a slab of wood.]
Pike: And now, you're a coat rack!
- A TV news reporter notes that eyewitnesses have compared a vampire victim's neck bite to "a really gross hickey."
- When being attacked by a vamp:
Pike: Look! Air!
- The principal walking around and dropping detention slips on all the dead vampires on the gym floor.
TV series: Season 1
Welcome to the Hellmouth (1x01)
- Xander's entrance, which cements his Butt Monkey status.
The Harvest (1x02)
- Willow's reaction to finding out about vampires and demons and Buffy being the Slayer.
Willow: (sitting in a chair) I think I might need to sit down.Buffy: You are sitting down.Willow: Oh. Good for me.
- Xander as hero.
Xander: I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away.
- Buffy has several funny moments in the early stages of having Catherine's Bloodstone Vengeance spell cast on her, such as perkily singing "Macho Man" in front of a bewildered Joyce.
- One of Willow's early zingers:
Giles: Why should someone want to harm Cordelia?Willow: Maybe because they met her?
The Pack (1x06)
- Giles hears about Xander's condition.
Giles: Xander's taken to teasing the less fortunate?
Giles: And there's a noticeable change in both clothing and demeanor?
Giles: And, well, otherwise all his spare time is spent lounging about with imbeciles.
Buffy: It's bad, isn't it?
Giles: It's devastating. He's turned into a sixteen year-old boy. You'll have to kill him, of course...
- Buffy sees her diary lying around and assumes Angel had read it. She gets to the following point in her little rant before Angel tells her that her mother just moved it when she was cleaning.
I Robot, You Jane (1x08)
- The ending. Funny enough at the time, tragically hilarious in hindsight.
Buffy: Hey, did you forget? The one boy I've had the hots for since I've moved here turned out to be a vampire.
Xander: Right, and the teacher I had a crush on? Giant praying mantis?
Willow: That's true.
Xander: Yeah, that's life on the Hellmouth.
Buffy: Let's face it: none of us are ever gonna have a happy, normal relationship.
Xander: We're doomed!
(All laugh, then stop as what they're saying sinks in. They sit in quiet realization until the credits roll)
- "Nazi Germany was an example of a well-ordered society? Who's been editing my files?"
The Puppet Show (1x09)
- Principal Snyder gets introduced, infamous for deadpan deliveries of a cynical portrayal of kids, and berating of his predecessor Principal Flutie's school policies.
Snyder: Kids today need discipline. That's an unpopular word these days, discipline. I know Principal Flutie would have said, 'Kids need understanding. Kids are human beings.' That's the kind of woolly-headed, liberal thinking that leads to being eaten.
Snyder: There are things I will not tolerate. Students loitering on campus after school. Horrible murders with hearts being removed. And also smoking.
- Another gem:
- Xander: "Does anyone else feel like we've been Keyser Soze'd?"
- When the curtain lifts: Buffy is holding Sid, Willow carries an axe, and there's a dead demon beneath the guillotine.
Snyder: I don't get it. (credits start to roll) Is it avant-garde?
- The "Oedipus Rex" scene over the end—especially when Willow freezes and then bolts.
- Xander pretending to make Sid yell "Red rum! RED RUUUUUM!". Followed by them having matching grins.
- Cordelia's nightmares, getting horrifically frizzy hair and being forcibly conscripted into the chess club.
- Buffy's nightmare, while terrifying, does have a quip from the Master quoting Disney/Cinderella.
Out of Mind, Out of Sight (1x11)
- Snyder has one gem:
Snyder: There are no dead students here. This week.
- Cordelia's hilarious self-centeredness culminates in this statement:
Cordelia: People who think their problems are so huge craze me. Like this time I sort of ran over this girl on her bike. It was the most traumatizing event of my life, and she's trying to make it about her leg! Like my pain meant nothing.
- Xander's pun regarding a student having seemingly been attacked by a sentient baseball bat (this is prior to the gang discovering that the culprit is the invisible girl, Marcie):
Giles: I've never actually heard of anyone attacked by a lone baseball bat before.
Xander: Maybe it's a vampire bat. (everyone stares at him) ...I'm alone on that one, huh?
- Willow and Xander distract Snyder so Buffy can sneak past him to investigate the locker room:
Snyder: (to Buffy) And you need to stay away from the crime scene. Always sticking your nose in.
Willow: Sue? What did you say? Mitch was gonna sue the school?
Snyder: Sue? Who?
Xander: Well, his dad is the most powerful lawyer in Sunnydale.
Snyder: Hold on. What have you two heard?
Xander: His dad, the lawyer. You haven't heard of him?
Willow: Other lawyers call him 'The Beast'.
Snyder: Don't sue.
- Alyson Hannigan's delivery of that last line is what really makes it hilarious.
- This also comes up later, after Marcie pushes Harmony down the stairs, breaking the latter's ankle:
- When Cordelia eventually turns to the Scoobies for help:
Cordelia: Buffy, I, uh, I, I know we've had our differences, with you being so weird and all, and hanging out with these total losers... Well, anyway, despite all of that, I know that you share this feeling that we have for each other, deep down ...
Prophecy Girl (1x12)
- The Master. During an earthquake, the Master gives a hammish monologue about how it is a sign of the apocalypse. When it is done, he turns to the Anointed One, and does what any Californian would do after an earthquake:
The Master: What do you think? 5.1?
- Xander: "That's cool. I'm going to go home, lay down and listen to country music... the music of pain."
- Later in the episode when Willow tries to call him, Xander is sprawled on his bed with the phone off the hook as Patsy Cline plays in the background.
- The Gag Echo of everyone telling Buffy that they like her dress (even The Master after he's killed her). The closing lines of the episode?
- Angel: By the way, I like your—Buffy: Yeah yeah, it's a big hit with everybody.
TV series: Season 2
When She Was Bad (2x01)
- Another Snyder:
Snyder: There are some things I can just smell. It's like a sixth sense.
Giles: No, actually, that would be one of the five.
- Cordy makes a suggestion.
Buffy: Cordelia, your mouth is open, sound is coming from it. This is never good.
- This exchange:
Willow: What's making Buffy act like such a B-I-T-C-H?
Giles: Willow, I think we're a little old to be spelling words out.
Xander: A... "bitca"?
Giles: Yes. Well...
- Giles' deadpan followup really sells it:
- Last line:
Annointed One: (Looking at the dust remains of all his underlings) I hate that girl.
Some Assembly Required (2x02)
- Buffy tells Giles while on patrol, she and Angel found some empty graves:
Giles: Grave robbing? That's new. Interesting.
Buffy: I know you meant to say gross and disturbing.
Giles: Yes, of course. Terrible thing. Must put a stop to it... dammit.
- Cordelia is whining about no one giving her sympathy, so without missing a beat Giles pats her on the shoulder. Even better, Cordelia reacts by shrugging, almost saying Okay, that was deserved.
- Giles's reaction to Ms Calendar asking him out on a date.
- Giles: What should I wear?Jenny: (looks him up and down) Do you own anything else?
School Hard (2x03)
- After Angel splits suddenly and soundlessly from the library again:
Xander: Okay, that's it. I'm putting a collar with a little bell on that guy.
Inca Mummy Girl (2x04)
- When Willow prevents Buffy from confronting a delinquent student, telling her the "non-violent" approach is probably better here:
Buffy: I wasn't gonna use violence. I don't always use violence...Do I?Xander: The important thing is you believe that.
Reptile Boy (2x05)
- Xander: Angel Angel Angel. Does every conversation we have have to come around to that freak?
(Angel appears right behind him.)
Xander, seamlessly: Hey man, how you doing?
Xander, in a deep voice: Xander.
- And the whole time this exchange is happening Xander is busy reading a newspaper. Nicholas Brendon's delivery absolutely seals it.
- Also this, after the gang rescues Buffy from the frat house party turned attempted human sacrifice:
Buffy: (shamefacedly) I told one lie. I had one drink.
Giles: Yes, and you were very nearly devoured by a giant demon snake. The words "let that be a lesson to you" are a tad redundant at this juncture.
- Willow Rosenberg. Covert Pervert.
To Buffy: You'd rather go to a party where there's going to be drinking and older guys and possibly an orgy.To Xander: You want to protect her. And prove that you're just as good as those rich snotty guys. And possibly catch an orgy.
- Since Xander dresses as a soldier, Buffy dresses as an 18th-century noblewoman, and Willow dresses as a ghost, things are predictably hectic when their costumes take them over.
Soldier!Xander: (with Buffy clinging to him after seeing a car) She's never seen a car?
Ghost!Willow: She's from the past.
Soldier!Xander: And you're a ghost.
Ghost!Willow: Yes, now let's get inside?
Soldier!Xander: Just want you to know I'm taking a lot on faith here.
- Once the costumes take over the children, Spike observes the chaos with a shit-eating grin on his face. You may as well have given him popcorn.
Spike: Well! This is just...neat!
- The first indication that their original personalities are still there:
Soldier!Xander: It's weird, but beating up that pirate gave me a weird sense of closure.
- The entirety of Buffy's attempts to distract Giles while Willow sneaks in and steals the Watchers' Diaries. Particularly Sarah Michelle Gellar's delivery of "look at me when I talk to you". The thing that distracts Giles from his suspicions? "Miss Calendar said you were a babe" - which also earns her a disapproving shake of the head from Willow.
- Drusilla is wonderfully random.
- Drusilla: Do you love my insides? The parts you can't see.Spike: Eyeballs to entrails, my sweet.
- Giles wonders what Willow's costume is supposed to be. She shyly replies that she's a ghost. He takes in the hot goth outfit that was underneath the ghost costume and asks "the ghost of what exactly?"
- Oz establishes himself as an Ensemble Darkhorse with this great response.
- Cordelia: Is Mr "I'm the lead singer, I'm so great I don't need to show up for my date or even call" going to be there?Oz: Yeah, you know he's just going by Devon now.
- Willow trying to deal with amnesiac Buffy and Xander.
- Buffy: Buffy?Willow: She's not Buffy.Xander: Who's Buffy?Willow: Oh this is fun.
- Princess!Buffy starts screaming at the sight of a "demon" that turns out to be just a car. When Willow tells her this, she asks in a terrified voice "what does it want?" Xander's reaction is "Is this woman insane?"
Lie to Me (2x07)
- Angel laments the shallow vampire fanboys:
Angel: These people don't know anything about vampires. What they are, how they live, how they dress...
(Cue a teen walking past in an outfit identical to his)
- When we learn what Ford is up to ...
Spike (after Ford walks into the factory): Do I have anyone on watch? It's called security, people! Are you all asleep? Beat Or have we finally found a restaurant that delivers?
What's My Line? (2x09)
- Xander pays Cordelia back for two years of abuse.
Cordelia: What am I, mass transportation?
Xander: That's what a lot of the guys say, but it's just locker-room talk.
- Angel is having his hand wrapped up in gauze, but the pained expression he has is from Buffy complaining about Ted. When she says she's sick of everyone talking about him, before playing sweetheart Angel gets this dig in.
Angel: So you going to talk about something else at some point?
- After the monster of the week is done ...
Willow: The sad thing is, the real Ted must have been a genius. There were design features in that robot that predate-
Buffy: Willow, tell me you didn't keep any parts!
Willow: ... well, not any big ones?
Buffy: Oh Will, you're supposed to use your powers for good!
Willow: I-I just wanna learn stuff!
Cordelia: Like how to build your own serial killer?
Xander: Well, its so hard to rent one nowadays.
Surpise (2x13) and Innocence (2x14)
- Buffy's surprise party, after being crashed by vampires-
Cordelia: (a bit late) SURPRISE!!!
Oz: That pretty much... sums it up. Hey, did anyone else see that guy turn to dust?
Xander: Yes... Vampires are real... A lot of them live in Sunnydale... Willow will fill you in...
Willow: I know this is hard to accept...
Oz: Actually it explains a LOT.
- While Willow and Oz were waiting in the van while Xander and Cordelia were stealing the rocket launcher
Oz: So do you guys steal weapons from the army a lot?
Willow: Well, we don't have cable, so we have to make our own fun.
- Xander's accurate summation of teenage hormones.
Cordelia: Does looking at guns really make guys want to have sex?
Xander: I'm seventeen. Looking at linoleum makes me want to have sex.
- This CMOF, also a CMOA and the excuse for one of Joss's favorite props:
Judge (gloating): No weapon forged can defeat me!
Buffy: That was then... (shoulders an anti-tank rocket launcher) This is now.
(Angel and Drusilla begin to dive out of the way)
Judge (curious): What's that do? (dies in a big explosion)
- Drusilla's always good for a laugh:
Dru: I'm naming all the stars...
Spike: You can't see the stars. That's the ceiling, Dru. Also, it's day.
Dru: I can see them. But I've named them all the same name, and there's terrible confusion.
Spike: (to the newly soulless Angel when he says he doesn't want to kill Buffy) ...Now, I know you haven't been in the game for a while, mate, but we do still kill people. It's sort of our raison d'être, you know.
- This shows how broken she is.
- After several werewolf attacks the students are being taught self defense. After the instructor explains these are simple techniques Buffy offers an idea mostly to herself.
Buffy: Here's a suggestion: move away from the Hellmouth.
- Larry is tormenting Theresa during self defense class, before trying to get her to be his partner. This fires up Buffy who steps in and we get this exchange.
Theresa: There's actually a few others who need partners.
Buffy: And I'm one of the few.
- Buffy's all smiles, her thought process along the lines of, Yeah, okay, Larry's going home short a couple of limbs, until Willow pulls her aside.
Willow: Buffy, just remember, you're meant to be a weak girl. You can't go all Slayer on him.
Buffy: (complaining) Spoil my fun.
- After pouting she does anyway, when she pretends to struggle with the moves she was shown to do and Larry grabs her ass.
Oz: (after seeing Larry thrown down hard) That works too.
- What about Xander talking to Larry about being a Werewolf, telling him he'd gone through the same thing when he was part of "The Pack"
Xander: Hurting me isn't going to make this go away, people are still going to find out.
Larry: (Looking scared) Alright. What do you want? Hush money? Is that what you're after?
Xander: I don't WANT anything, I just wanna help!
Larry: What, you think you have a cure?
Xander: (Talking about his time in The Pack) No, it's just... I know what you're going through because I've BEEN there. That's why I know you should talk about it.
Larry: That's easy for you to say. You're nobody. I got a reputation.
Xander: Larry, please, before someone else gets hurt!
Larry: Look, if this gets out, it's over for me. Forget about playing football, they'll run me out of this town! I mean, come on, how are people gonna look at me after they find out I'm gay?
Larry: I said it... and it felt... okay! I'm gay! I am gay!
Xander: I heard you the first time.
Larry: I don't believe it. It was almost easy. I never felt I could tell anyone, and then you... you of all people... you bring it out of me... Knowing you went through the same thing... made it easier for me to admit it!
Xander: The same thing... Larry, no, I'm not-
Larry: (Pats Xander on the shoulder) Don't worry. I wouldn't do that to you. Your secret's safe with me. (Gives Xander a thumbs up and walks out, leaving Xander there, shocked)
Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered (2x16)
- Xander tries to barricade himself in the library. He puts a huge piece of furniture in front of the door. Buffy effortlessly enters - unfortunately that door opens the other way.
- It should be noted that the same door definitely didnt do that in other episodes, such as prominently the season one finale, when vampires tried to enter the place.
- He tries this again with the door to Buffy's basement, with equally successful results.
- Amy starts casting another spell on one of Xander's rivals (having turned Buffy into a rat previously), only for Xander to clap his hand over her mouth.
Xander: Would you quit it with the Hecates!?
- Xander tries to hide at home in his room. Unfortunately Willow is awaiting him wearing one of his shirts, and nothing else. She does everything in her power to seduce Xander, going to lengths not seen even when she later tries to make up with Oz. Xander decides he has to be a man, and hide (or rather run).
- Even Drusilla declares her love to a terrified Xander, much to the confusion of Angelus.
Angelus: I guess I really did drive you crazy!
- To top it all off, Buffy sums up her part in the episode with this gem:
Buffy: I remember coming on to you... I remember begging you to undress me... and then a sudden need for cheese.
- In the middle of an incredibly dark episode, we get this gem from Angelus when he's talking to Jenny in the classroom. It's the spot-on delivery from Boreanaz that really sells it.
Angelus: I heard! You went shopping at the local boogity-boogity store!
Killed by Death (2x18)
- When no one is singing:
Buffy: Shh, hospital zone, no singing.
- When Giles and Cordelia are researching demons:
Cordelia: Eww, what does this do?
Giles: It extracts vital organs to replenish its own mutating cells.
Cordelia: Wow! What does this one do?
Giles: It elongates its mouth to engulf its victim's head with its incisors.
Cordelia: Ouch! Wait, what does this one do?
Giles: (incredibly irritated) It asks endless questions of those with whom it's supposed to be working so that nothing is getting done.
Cordelia: Boy, there's a demon for everything!
Cordelia: So this isn't about you being afraid of hospitals 'cause your friend died, and you want to conjure up a monster that you can fight so you can save everybody and not feel so helpless?
- As they're discussing the existence of Buffy's demon-
Giles: Cordelia, have you ever actually heard of tact?
Cordelia: Tact is just not saying true stuff. I'll pass.
Go Fish (2x20)
- Xander comes across a mutant fish monster and tries to tell the others about it. Though some aren't quite buying how he faced it.
Cordelia: Admit it, you ran like a woman.
Xander: What about me, what do I do?
- And just a few minutes later,
Cordelia: You could go into the parking lot and practice running like a man.
- On the topic of the gang possibly having to find a demon that discards its victim's skin before eating them.
Buffy: So, something ripped him open and ate out his insides?
- There's this exchange:
Willow: Like an Oreo cookie, well, except for, you know, without the... chocolatey cookie goodness...
Buffy: This doesn't make any sense.
- And later, in that same conversation:
Xander: Yeah, the skin's the best part.
Buffy: Any demons with high cholesterol?
Giles: *straight faced and staring at Buffy*
Buffy: *pointing at Giles* You're gonna think about that later, Mister, and you're gonna laugh.
Becoming (2x21 and 22)
- This exchange, when the gang is having an argument;
Cordelia: You know Xander has a point you guys.
Xander: "Y'know. I wish just once that you'd support me and now I realize that you were and I'm embarrassed, so I'm gonna get back to the point!
- After a long and very grim explanation by Giles, of how the demon Acathla, if awakened, would pull the entire world into a Hell dimension, where every non-demon would suffer eternal torment, we suddenly cut to the view Angel, Spike, and Drusilla looking at the stone that's holding Acathla:
Spike: It's a big rock. Can't wait to tell my friends. They don't have a rock this big.
- Angelus' description of Acathla:
Angelus: Acathla the demon came forth to swallow the world. He was killed by a virtuous knight who pierced the demon's heart before he could draw breath to perform the act. Acathla turned to stone, as demons sometimes do, and was buried where neither man nor demon would want to look. ...Unless of course they're putting up low rent housing.
- Giles' having an orb of thesula on hand, calling back to episode 17.
Giles: I've been using it as a paperweight.
- Angelus attempts to perform the ritual that will awaken Acathla, but is thrown across the room when it doesn't work. Spike's response?
Spike: (singsong) Someone wasn't wooooorthy.
- Spike explaining why he doesn't want to destroy the world:
Spike: We like to talk big, vampires do. "I'm going to destroy the world." That's just tough guy talk. Strutting around with your friends over a pint of blood. The truth is, I like this world. You've got...dog racing, Manchester United, and you've got people. Billions of people running around like Happy Meals on legs. It's all right here.
- Same episode, Buffy: "I lost a friend tonight. I might lose more. The whole earth may be sucked into Hell... and you want my help 'cause your girlfriend's a big ho? Well let me take this opportunity to not care!"
- Or just as Buffy and Spike are finalizing their temporary alliance, while the police officer that tried to arrest Buffy lies unconscious nearby.
Buffy: All right. Talk.
Spike: (idly) Just let me kill this guy and...
Buffy: *clears her throat loudly*
Spike: (looks puzzled, then insincerely sheepish) Oh. Right.
- The scene with Joyce and Spike sitting together in the living room is hilariously awkward.
Joyce: Have we met?
Spike: Er... You hit me with an axe one time. Remember, er, "get the hell away from my daughter"?
Joyce: Oh. - pause - So, do you live here in town?
- For some reason, Spike's reaction when Angelus is standing over Buffy with a sword.
Spike (holding Drusilla in his arms): *in shock* He's really going to kill her. *shrugs, then keeps walking*
- On being unable to prepare for the finals because of yet another impending apocalypse:
TV series: Season 3
- (after the vampire has escaped)
Xander: First of all, what was with the acrobatics? How did that happen?
Oz: Wasn't Andy Hoelich on the gymnastics team?
Xander: That's right, he was! [yells at Andy] Cheater! [turns back] Okay, and the, uh, second problem I'm having — "Come and get it, Big Boy"?
Willow: Well, w-w-well, the Slayer always says a pun, or-or a witty play on words, and, I think it throws the vampires off! And, and it makes them frightened, because I'm wisecracking. Okay, I didn't really have a chance to work on that one, but you try it every time!Oz: Uh, if I may suggest, "This time it's personal." I mean, there's a reason why it's a classic.
- And the scene before that, with Willow confronting the vampire.
"That's right big boy, come and get it."
Buffy (standing over a trapped demon holding a big club): Hey Ken, want to see my impression of Gandhi?
Buffy: Well, you know, if he was really pissed off.
Dead Man’s Party (3x02)
- Giles: (Imitating Joyce)Unbelievable. "Do you like my mask? Isn't it pretty? It raises the dead!" Americans!
- Giles hotwiring his car:
Giles: Like riding a bloody bicycle!
- Jonathan getting caught in the middle of a verbal spat between Buffy and her mother and friends
Buffy: "Great, anyone else want to weigh in on this? You there, by the dip."
Jonathan: "No, thanks."
- Cordelia's reaction to seeing Buffy for the first time this season.
Cordelia (after being thrown into her by a vampire): Hey Buffy!
- Buffy wordlessly tosses her aside out of the way.
Faith, Hope and Trick (3x03)
- When Snyder is forced to rescind Buffy's expulsion:
Buffy: So let me get this straight. I'm really back in school because the school board overruled you. Wow. That's like having your whole ability to do this job called into question, when you think about it.
Joyce: Buffy, sit down. (to Snyder) I believe what my daughter is trying to say is...Nyah nyah, nuh-nyah nyah!
Band Candy (3x06)
- It would be easier to name the moments in this episode that were not laugh-out-loud funny.
- Snyder's line in this episode:
Principal Snyder: Woo, Summers, you drive like a SPAZZ.
Melaka Fray: Summers, you drive like a SPAZZ!
- This actually comes back up in Season 8, in a brief crossover with Fray
Buffy: Oh my God. THAT is the one phrase that has survived two hundred years? I should have been more gentle to the English language.
- Pretty much the whole scene of the Scoobies finding The Bronze infested with old people.
- How's about this bit at the end, when Buffy appears to be trying to come to grips with the events of the Band Candy rampage, when in fact she's talking about something else entirely?
Buffy: (portentuously) There was just too much to deal with. It was like nothing made sense anymore. The things that I thought I understood were gone. I just felt so alone...
Giles: Was that the math or the verbal?
Buffy: Mostly the math.
- Buffy is training with Giles, but she wants to rush off to see Angel. Nonetheless she allows herself to be blindfolded and handed a ball.
"Okay, you're just doing this to take silly photos of me."
"You see it's not that..." BOP "...ow."
- Giles tells her to throw the ball at him. She turns away and lets fly, causing him to smirk before the ball hits the wall and thwacks him.
Lovers' Walk (3x08)
- Cordelia: Get out of Sunnydale, that's a good thing. What kind of moron would ever want to come back here?
(cut to Welcome to Sunnydale town entrance sign being smashed down by Spike's car on his way in - for the second time in the series)
- It helps that Spike is completely smashed in this scene.
- Then there's Spike taunting Angel, standing behind Joyce pulling a Lugosi pose.
- Spike passes out drunk in front of a crypt and wakes up when his hand catches fire from the sunlight. He rushes to a small fountain on the side of the crypt to put it out... and shouts in pain from having splashed holy water across his hand.
- Spike hangs out with Joyce.
- She gives him hot cocoa and commiserates with him over his recent dumping by Drusilla. He then asks her if she's got any of those little marshmallows.
- Made funnier because it is preceded by the horrified look on Buffy's face when she hears Spike greeting Joyce over the phone.
- And followed by Spike taunting Angel about how he's not invited, complete with making scary gestures at Joyce's neck behind her back.
- She gives him hot cocoa and commiserates with him over his recent dumping by Drusilla. He then asks her if she's got any of those little marshmallows.
- Can we just say that mopey, drunk Spike in general is one of the most hilarious things on the show?
- Angel trolling Spike in the magic shop:
Angel: Lotta trouble for someone who doesn't care.Spike: Shut your gob!Angel: She really is just kind of fickle.Spike: SHUT UP! (runs over and punches Angel)
- Spike's realization about he's going about his reaction to Dru's rejection all wrong comes after a fight to get ingredients for a spell he's kidnapped Willow to have her perform, with Buffy and Angel there, trying to rescue her and Xander. They ruled out the factory, his old hangout in the previous season as being too obvious. When he decides he's going to get Dru's love back the old fashioned way (tie her up and torture her until she loves him again), he off-handedly says that Buffy's friends 'are at the factory.' Buffy gets the biggest "You Have Got to Be Kidding Me!" expression on her face and Angel looks up with the biggest "we are DUMB" expression in existence.
- The ending, where everyone — their romantic relationships in tatters — has one of the show's typical angsty emo montages where everyone is really depressed and mopey... concluded with a sudden cut to Spike, reinvigorated and in good humour once again, driving away from Sunnydale happily singing along with Sid Vicious's cover of "My Way."
- Cordelia's "death scene" somehow is both a CMOF and a Tear Jerker.
The Wish (3x09)
- The Master: "Some claim that death is our art. I say to them - well, I don't say anything to them because I killed them."
- When Buffy first encounters the First Evil, and it is ranting to her about how terrifying and horrible it is:
Buffy: All right, I get it, you're evil!
(A bit later, when the First is bragging about her not having any idea what she is dealing with)
Buffy: Could it be...evil?
- So exactly what does Willow do after she makes up with Oz? She pulls out every trick in the book to try and seduce him. It's...overwhelming for him to say the least.
- Giles has been knocked unconcious. Cordy wakes him by hitting him.
Cordelia: I came over here to tell Buffy to stop this craziness and found you all unconscious... again. How many times have you been knocked out, anyway? I swear, one of these times, you're gonna wake up in a coma.
Giles: ...Wake up in a--?! Oh, never mind. We need to save Buffy from Hansel and Gretel.
Cordelia: Now let's be clear. The brain damage happened *before* I hit you.
- And a little later:
Giles: It's about, uh, lifting a veil. Um, it should, uh, make the demons appear in their true form, which with any luck, will, uh, negate their influence. And, uh, drop a toadstone into the mixture.
Cordelia: (picks up the toadstone) This? It doesn't look like a toad.
Giles: No reason it should. It's from inside the toad.
Cordelia: I hate you.
- Buffy and Willow threatening to turn the Burn the Witch! mob into vermin. And fish.
- In which an old folktale will never be the same again:
Buffy: Is Sunnydale any better than when I first came here? Okay, so I battle evil. But I don't really win. The bad keeps coming back and getting stronger. Like that kid in the story, the boy that stuck his finger in the duck.
Angel: It's another word for dam.
Buffy:Oh. Okay, that story makes a lot more sense now.
- For German speakers, Giles' spell to dispel the illusion of Hansel and Gretel is also very funny:
Giles: Ich beschwöre die Macht der Hekate, die Masken wegzureißen. Das Böse soll das Gesicht des Bösen tragen!Giles: Hekate ruft euch an: Verbergt euch nicht hinter falschen Gesichtern! (Translation: "I call upon the power of Hekate to rip off the masks. Evil shall bear the visage of Evil! / Hekate implores you: do not hide behind false faces!")
- Anthony Head's pronunciation is, of course, also completely awful, which makes it all even funnier.
- The demons' true form has been revealed. Everyone runs away. The demon charges at Buffy, still bound to the stake.
Buffy: (manages to break the stake and impales the charging demon with it) Did I get it ? Did I get it?
(camera switches position for a hilarious visual. One can see Buffy indeed managed to kill the demon)
- And just a moment later, Xander and Oz, who have been trying to enter the room through the ventilation, fall with a cry of surprise through the ceiling and fall on the ground.
Oz: We are here to save you.
- And just a moment later, Xander and Oz, who have been trying to enter the room through the ventilation, fall with a cry of surprise through the ceiling and fall on the ground.
- Angel is casually (trying to, at least) asking Buffy if she has a date on her birthday.
Buffy: Actually, I do have a date. Older man. Very handsome. Likes it when I call him 'Daddy'.
Angel: (looking relieved) Huh. Your father.
Angel:... It is your father, right?
- Zachary Kralik baiting Buffy with pretty much the first "selfie" ever of Kralik and her mom. Kralik's ecstatic grin doesn't help at all.
The Zeppo (3x13)
- There's how the "Previously On" segment for the episode is just Giles being fired near the end of "Helpless". That's it. Just "'Previously on Buffy the Vampire Slayer...' 'You're fired.'"
- It essentially parodies the show's established cliches, particularly Buffy and Angel's emo-tastic arguments.
- Xander's reaction to finding kerosene in his car:
Xander: Hey! They're not baking any cake!!
- After Xander didn't know Giles' preference for jelly donuts: "I always have a jelly. I'm the one who always says, 'Let's have a jelly in the mix.'"
- Xander apparently did know, as Willow pipes up "We're sorry! ...Buffy had three!"
Bad Girls (3x14)
- The Mayor's line after first becoming invincible.
Mayor: I'm feeling chipper, who's up for a root beer?
- The list he checks off after that:
- Pre-Badass Wesley's introduction:
- Faith: New Watcher?
Buffy and Giles: New Watcher.
Faith: Screw that. *walks out*
Wesley: You're not helping!
- Immediately followed by Buffy asking, "Now why didn't I just say that?" right in front of Wesley, and Giles trying not to look too amused when he chastises her for it.
- A little later:
Giles: I know... I feel just sick about it.
- Once they have been taken prisoner by the Monster of the Week - Balthazar, a grotesquely obese demon in a large bath who is looking for a powerful amulet. The expected interrogation begins thus:
Wesley: (on the verge of panic) Stay calm, Mr. Giles. We have to stay calm.Giles: (deadpan) Well, thank God you're here, I was planning to panic.Balthazar: You know what I want.
Giles: (completely deadpan) If it's for me to scrub those hard-to-reach places, I'd like to request you kill me now.
- The Mayor, Mr. Trick, and Allan discuss their favorite newpaper comics.
- Wesley brags about having faced two vampires. Under controlled conditions, no less. The previous episode had the world being saved. By Faith no less. The Dark Slayer. And he thinks his actions are an accomplishment. Giles is right, Wesley is a berk.
- Willow regarding her parallel dimensional evil twin: "I'm so evil and skanky. And I think I'm kinda gay." Followed immediately by:
Buffy: Willow, just remember, a vampire's personality has nothing to do with the person it was.
Angel: Well, actually [Buffy glares] ... That's a good point.
- According to Word of God, they weren't planning on making anyone gay at that point. That's right, it's a joke that's so funny it turned someone gay.
- And her evil twins reaction to waking up in Willows fluffy clothes: "Well, look at me. I'm all fuzzy."
- Later in the episode, Willow shoots Vamp!Willow with a dart gun, steals her clothes and locks her in the library cage, where Cordelia finds her. Instead of letting her out however, she discusses the ethics of boyfriend stealing, with Willow's evil twin hanging on the bars with an expression that just screams bored now.
Cordelia: What is it? Is there something on my neck?
Vamp!Willow: Not yet.
- "I'm a blood-sucking fiend! Look at my outfit!"
Buffy: It was exactly you, Will. Every detail. Except for your not being a dominatrix... as far as we know.
Willow: (rolling her eyes) Oh, right. Me and Oz play "Mistress of Pain" every night.
* Giles frowns*
Xander: (eyes glazed) Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place?
Buffy: (eyes glazed) Oh yeah.
- Some fans who put The Wish out of their minds get a meta one.
- Or Angel's big entrance...
Angel: (visibly distraught) Buffy... something's happened that... Willow's dead!
(everybody just nods at him matter-of-factly)
Angel: (sees Willow standing over in the corner) Oh, hey Willow. (jumps back) Wait a second-!
(Giles rolls his eyes)
Xander: We're right there with you, buddy.
- Earlier, when everyone thinks that Willow has become a vampire:
Giles: She was truly the finest of us all.
Xander: (choked up) Way better than me.
Giles: (matter-of-factly) Much, much better.
- Willow's reaction to The Glomp upon the gang seeing her alive and well leads to this tremendous line:
Willow: It's really great that you guys missed me. Say, you didn't all happen to do a bunch of drugs, did ya?
- Anya tries to order a beer:
Anya: God, what a day... Gimme a beer.
Barkeep: (deadpan) ID.
(Anya stares at him in disbelief)
Anya: I'm eleven hundred and twenty years old! Just gimme a frickin' beer!
Anya: (sigh) Gimme a Coke.
- Willow is disguised as Vamp Willow:
Buffy: (regarding the corset) You okay in that thing?
Willow: It's a little binding. I guess vampires really don't have to breathe. (looks down at her cleavage) Gosh, look at those.
- Just generally the scene where Willow has to pretend to be Vamp Willow.
- The scene where Wilkins gives Faith her own apartment. Just before it ends, you can clearly see Eliza Dushku trip.
- Vamp Willow's send-off. First, Willow's heartwarming hug to her vampire counterpart leads to some "friendly" groping ("Hands!"), and then Vamp Willow gets to enjoy being back in her own reality... for all of three seconds before getting staked.
Vamp Willow: Oh, f-- (turns to dust)
- After everyone thinks Willow's a vampire, Xander shoves a cross in her face. When it doesn't do anything, he shakes it like a faulty Etch-a-Sketch.
- In response to Buffy asking Giles what's going on (it's all in Nicholas Brendon's delivery):
Giles: Well uh, something, something um, very strange is happening.Xander: [Beat] Can you believe the Watcher's Council let this guy go?
- The Mayor: There is more than one way to skin a cat and I happen to know that this is factually true.
- Just how Affably Evil is the Mayor? Well Faith is moping that she didn't kill Buffy, so the Mayor tries to cheer her up.
"I have two words that will make all the pain go away. Miniature. Golf." (Faith stares at him for a moment, all "Are you serious?" then cracks up.
- Willow is trying to convince Buffy there's nothing going on between Angel and Faith, but both realise that Faith is drop-dead gorgeous and Really Gets Around.
Willow: I mean, please, does Angel come up to Faith's standards for a guy? Let's see, is he breathing?
Buffy: Actually, no.
- Giles thanks the powerful sorcerer who faked removing Angel's soul for his help, with the sorcerer remarking that his debt to Giles had now been repaid. After he leaves, someone asks what the debt was he'd owed Giles:
Giles: I introduced him to his wife.
- Earlier in the episode Xander and Oz are watching the pep rally and sharing snarks.
Xander: I think they're much better this year.
Oz: Well their spelling's improved.
- There's a reason this is Sarah Michelle Gellar's favorite episode. When Buffy reveals she can hear other people's thoughts, hilarity ensues:
Oz: [thinks] I am my thoughts. If they exist in her, Buffy contains everything that is me and she becomes me. I cease to exist. [out loud] Huh.
- And Cordelia's thought-to-speech:
Cordelia: [thinks] I don't see what this has to do with me. [out loud] I don't see what this has to do with me.
Xander: What am I going to do? I think about sex all the time. Sex. Help. Four times five is thirty. Five times six is thirty-two...Naked girls. Naked women. Naked Buffy. Oh, stop me.
Buffy: God, is that all you think about?
- Buffy knows where Xander's thoughts are going and shoots him a filthy look, then rolls her eyes when they predictably go to girls, then reacts with anger when he thinks of her naked.
Xander: Actually...(bolts) bye.
- And after Xander is busted...
Wesley: Xander has just illustrated something. Chances are, you're all going to find yourself thinking whatever you least want Buffy to hear. It's a matter, of course, of mental discipline...
Wesley: Look at Cordelia. No! Don't look at Cordelia! She's a student! Oh, I am bad. A bad, bad man.
- Only to immediately think...
- And an example of why you should never read the mind of your own mother:
Buffy: You had sex with Giles! You had sex with Giles? On the hood of a Police Car? TWICE?!
Giles: I'm glad to see you've recovered from your psychic encounter more or less intact. Feel up to some training?
- And the episode's conclusion.
Buffy: Sure! We can work out after school. You know, if you're not too busy having sex with my mother.
Giles: (walks headfirst into a tree)
- Which Anthony Stewart Head ad libbed.
- Revealed in "Who Are You" (4x16) that Joyce's exact words were "He's like a stevedore in bed". Buffy doesn't know what a stevedore is.
- When Buffy fears just what aspect of the demon she might get she notices Willow's eyes bug out at one possibility.
Was it a boy demon?
The Prom (3x20)
- One of the first things Joyce sees when she visits Angel's house is the shackles attached to the wall. She says nothing, but it's obvious what she's thinking.
- Buffy has a little freak out when her friends are scared to go to the prom because some loser threatens it with hell hounds.
Oz: And once again, the Hellmouth puts the "special" in special occasion.
Xander: (angrily slams down a pile of books) Why do I even buy tickets to these things, I ask you?!?
Willow: (worried) I wonder if I can take my dress back.
Buffy: (leaps up) Don't you dare!
Willow: But Tucker's gonna-
Buffy: No. (inspirational music starts to swell) You guys are gonna have a prom. The kind of prom that everyone should have. I'm gonna give you a nice, fun, normal evening... (triumphantly) if I have to kill every single person on the face of the earth to do it.
Willow: We can't just leave you, Buff-
- Later, after finding Tucker, we get this exchange.
Giles: Buffy, they're right. You need-
Buffy: To see tail lights. Hit the door. I've got everything under control.
Oz: Buffy, it makes sense to -
Buffy (deadly): Have. A nice. Time.
Willow: Okay then.
Xander: See ya.
- At the prom, Jonathan mentions that a lot of strange things have happened at Sunnydale High. Calls from the audience:
Unidentified Student #1: Zombies!
Unidentified Student #2: Hyena people!
Unidentified Student #3: Snyder!
Graduation Day (3x21 and 22)
- A nice scene with the Mayor is an utterly brilliant mix of '60s sitcom humour and standard Buffy villain shock value. There truly will never be a villain like him in television again.
Mayor: [reading from an ancient tome, in front of the Scoobies] "The Beast shall walk upon the Earth, and darkness shall follow. The several races of man will be as one in their terror and destruction" aww, that's kind of sweet! All those different races, coming together?
- The Scoobies trying to come up with a way to defeat the Mayor.
Cordelia: I personally don't think it's possible to come up with a crazier plan.
Oz: We attack the Mayor with hummus.
Cordelia: I stand corrected.
Oz: Just keeping things in perspective.
Cordelia: Thank you.
Angel: Well, he wasn't too crazy about germs.
- And then, later on:
Cordelia: Of course! That's it! We'll attack him with germs.
Buffy: Great! We'll get him cornered and then you can sneeze on him.
Cordelia: No! No. We'll get a container of Ebola virus and . . . and . . . or, it doesn't even have to be real. We can get a box that says Ebola on it and . . . um . . . chase him! (silence) With the box.
Xander: I'm starting to lean towards the Hummus Offensive.
Oz: They'll never see it coming.
- Wesley and Cordelia's attempt at a Big Damn Kiss immediately goes into hilariously awkward territory, and they quickly end it by deciding they're Better as Friends.
- Xander and Giles find a book with a picture of what the Mayor will Ascend into: "We're gonna need a bigger boat." Also, the fact that the image is, essentially, a centerfold.
TV series: Season 4
The Freshman (4x01)
- A random vampire sneaks up on Buffy and Willow, notices all their weapons, and decides to beat a hasty retreat. The pair never even notice him.
- "Uh, are we gonna fight? Or is this gonna be, like, some big monster sarcasm rally?"
- The best part was when you ragged on your clothes. She was like "No! Not the ensemble!"
- Sunday looking through Eddie's CD collection:
Boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, boring, (sigh) astonishingly boring. We, we have to kill some cooler people. Will somebody remind me?
Living Conditions (4x02)
- Buffy's Death Glare when her roommate Cathy spills ketchup on the sweater she "loaned" and later when Willow takes a bite from Buffy's sandwich. The Slayer's got serious ownership issues.
- Buffy fighting against the monster of the week in her room, the two banging all around the room, bumping into walls and doors, before cutting to outside the room, and this gem from a student down the hall.
Do you mind? Some people are TRYING to study.
The Harsh Light of Day (4x03)
- This exchange between Harmony and Spike:
- Anya drops her clothes while Xander's back is turned, he turns around holding a juice box. You can guess where it goes from there.
- Another Anya gem:
(to Giles in his own home) I need to talk to Xander. Go away.
- While Spike and Buffy fight, Harmony revealing that Spike got dumped by Drusilla.
Buffy: What's the matter, Spike? Dru dump you again?Spike: Maybe I dumped her.Harmony: She left him for a fungus demon. That's all he talks about.Spike: (rolling his eyes upward) HARM!
- And, moments later, Harmony revealing that Spike's looking for the Gem of Amarra, much to his frustration.
- This exchange when Spike forbids Harmony from leaving the lair:
Harmony: You said we'd go to France, and now I can't even leave the lair?Spike: Listen to me, you stupid bint. This gem is everything. I came back to Sunnydale for it, a place which has witnessed some truly spectacular kickings of my ass. Now, when I have the Gem, they all die, don't worry. But until then, stay inside. And by the way, I would be insanely happy if, from this point on, I heard bugger-all about SODDING FRANCE!
Fear Itself (4x04)
- When Buffy visits Giles at his home, he is wearing a huge sombrero, for a hilarious visual.
- Willow is all sunny discussing Halloween, after Parker dumped Buffy.
"We need to make sure Buffy has fun. Force fun upon her. And if Parker shows up we'll just ax murder him. That's halloweeny !"
- Giles and Anya trying to gain entrance to the magically sealed house:
Giles: [Reading through a magical text] We need to... create a door.
Anya: [...] You can do that?
Giles: I can.
He pulls a chainsaw out of his bag and starts cutting.
- They discuss how to end the haunting of the house. Giles reads from his book:
Giles: The summoning spell for Gachnar can be shut down in one of two ways. Destroying the Mark of Gachnar ...
Buffy immediately destroys the mark
Giles: [glares annoyed at Buffy, raising his voice] ... is not one of them, and will in fact immediately bring forth the Fear Demon itself !
Cue three-inch high demon.
- The exchange between Xander and Giles that follows the fear demon's appearance:
Giles: Don't taunt the fear demon.
Xander: Why? Can he hurt me?
Giles: No. It's just tacky.
- Final scene:
Buffy: There's no problem that cannot be solved by chocolate !
Willow: I think I'm gonna barf ...
Buffy: Except that.
- Last lines:
Buffy: What's the matter?
Giles comes over to show her the book.
Giles: I should have translated the Gaelic inscription under the illustration of Gachnar.
Buffy: What's it say?
Giles: Actual size.
- What really makes this last scene is the ominous music playing through it that every show watcher has heard right before something bad is about to be revealed... that drops off as soon as Giles says his last line.
Beer Bad (4x05)
- It's the episode we took our edit password from:
Xander: And was there a lesson in all of this? What have we learned about beer?
Xander: Good. Just so that's clear.
The Initiative (4x07)
- Harmony's fight with Xander. First, they square off. Then, Harmony slaps Xander. Then, Xander kicks Harmony in the shins. Then they start pulling each other's hair. Then it goes to slow-mo...
- Lets not forget also the battle music that actually sets in - as if this would be actually a suspenseful fight!
- What's even better about this episode is that it's the only fight in either series in which any of the actors actually were hurt afterwards. Not badly, but they had to wear shin guards and knee pads so they didn't get too bruised.
- The scene with Spike's being unable to attack Willow (which is played as a metaphor for impotence).
- This exchange:
Xander: Every man faces this moment. Here. Now. Watching, waiting for an unseen enemy that has no face. Nerve endings screaming in silence. Never knowing which thought might be your last.Giles: Oh, shut up.
- The scene where Willow is advising Riley on how to initiate conversation with Buffy:
Willow: Keep eye contact. Funny is good, but don't be glib. And remember, if you hurt her, I will beat you to death with a shovel.
(Riley looks back at her, very surprised)
Willow: A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend. Have fun.
- Spike has his chip and immediately turns into comic relief.
Spike: A BEAR! YOU MADE A BEAR!
Buffy: I didn't mean to!
Spike: UNDO IT! UNDO IT!!
- Giles being inducted into the ritual of Thanksgiving dinner.
Buffy : (on mashing potatoes) You don't have a ricer? How can you not have a ricer! ... What's a ricer?
Giles: (irritably) We'll mash them with forks, much as the Pilgrims must have!
- Buffy declaring "I like my evil like I like my men—evil!" What makes this line so funny is the sheer amount of self-awareness Buffy exhibits when she says it.
- This exchange after Buffy and Willow argue about Hus:
Spike: Oh, someone put a stake in me!Xander: Got a lot of volunteers in here.
Spike: I just can't take all this namby-pamby, boo-hooing about the bloody Indians!Willow: The preferred term is—Spike: You won! Alright? You came in, and you killed them, and you took their land! That's what conquering nations do. It's what Caesar did, and he's not goin' 'round saying "I came, I conquered, (switches to a mopey voice halfway) I feel really bad about it!"
- Followed by this:
- The scene where Willow, Xander and Anya are rushing to help Buffy and Giles...on stolen bicycles. Complete with heroic music.
- The way everyone keeps assuming Angel is evil again, for absolutely no reason.
- The ending where Xander let slips that Angel was in town helping the gang save the day. What really takes the cake is Spike's expression.
Something Blue (4x09)
- Willow changing Amy (who turned herself into a mouse in the episode s03e11 Gingerbread) finally back into a human, without noticing it. And almost instantly changing her same way back into a mouse before Amy could say anything.
- Buffy and Giles interrogating Spike...while he's chained up in Giles' bathtub.
Giles: Spike, we have no intention of killing a harmless...creature, but we have to know what's been done to you. We can't let you go until we're sure you're impotent or...sorry. Until we know that you're—Buffy: Flaccid?Spike: You are one step away, missy!Buffy: Giles, help! He's gonna scold me! (beat) You know what? I don't think you want us to let you go. Maybe we made it a little too comfy for ya.Spike: Comfy? I'm chained in a bathtub drinking pig's blood from a novelty mug. Doesn't rate huge in the Zagat's guide.Buffy: You want something nicer? (flaunts her neck) Look at my poor neck, all bare and tender and exposed. (Spike, very tempted, tries to lean closer) All that blood just pumping away.Giles: (makes a "You Have Got to Be Kidding Me!" expression) Oh, please.Spike: Giles, make her stop!
- Giles is talking on the phone to Willow when Spike, still chained up in the bathtub, demands that Giles turn on the television because Passions is about to come on.
Spike: Passions is on! Timmy's down the bloody well! AND IF YOU MAKE ME MISS IT, I'LL—Giles: (calls toward the bathroom) You'll do what? Lick me to death?!
- Followed by this line:
Giles: (to Willow over the phone) Among other things, I'd like to shower sometime today. Alone.
- Followed by this line:
- Spike tearing at the ground, yelling for the Initiative to open up and fix him, after he ends up crossing paths with Buffy due to Willow's spell makes for a funny sight.
- This exchange as Buffy hauls a bound Spike back into Giles' apartment:
Spike: Watch it!Buffy: One more word out of you, and I swear—Spike: Swear what? You won't do anything to me. You don't have the stones!Buffy: I got the stones. I got a whole bunch of...stones!Spike: Yeah? You're all talk.Buffy: (calling out to Giles) Giles, I accidentally killed Spike. That's okay, right?
- After Buffy and Spike have been enchanted to marry each other, hilarity ensues:
Spike: Look at that lip. Gonna get it. Gonna get it (starts kissing)
Buffy: Oh, stop.
Giles: Yes, please stop.
- Then Xander finds out...
Buffy: Spike and I are getting married!
Xander: How? What? How?
Giles: Three excellent questions.
- Shortly after ...
Xander: Yeah. Right. You're marrying Spike because you're so right for each other.
Spike: That's it! You're off the usher list.
- Followed almost immediately by Spike and Buffy going full speed with the kissing:
Xander: C-can I be blind too?
- Then the issue of Spike's name ...
Buffy: Honey, we need to talk about the invitations. Now, do you wanna be William the Bloody or just Spike? 'cause either way, it's gonna look majorly weird.
Spike: Whereas the name "Buffy" gives it that touch of classic elegance.
Buffy: What's wrong with Buffy?
Giles: (deadpan) Huh. Such a good question.
Buffy: My mother gave me that name!
Spike: Yeah, your mother's a genius.
Buffy: Don't you start on my mother!
** This exchange:Buffy: "You want me to give up my career?"Spike: "Do I want you to stop killing my friends? Yes!"
- What about this line from Giles after Buffy refers to she, Spike and Giles as a family.
Giles: It's alright, I-I have more scotch...
- Somewhat later ...
Buffy: (referring to a crypt) ...and oh my God! wouldn't this be a great place to take pictures?
Spike: I'm not posing for chuff all (monster arrives)
Buffy: All right, now we're gonna do this without destroying the foliage.
- Then Xander finds out...
- When the love spell breaks, Buffy and Spike are in the middle of a kiss:
Spike: Oh! Bloody hell!
Buffy: (jumps back, spitting) Spike lips! Lips of Spike!!
- The denouement...
Spike: (tied up in a chair) Don't I get a cookie?
Spike: Well, I gotta have something. I still have Buffy taste in my mouth.
Buffy: You're a pig, Spike.
Spike: Yeah, well, I'm not the one who wanted "Wind Beneath My Wings" for the first dance. (Buffy's friends turn toward her in horror on hearing this)
Buffy: (embarrassed) ... That was the spell!
- Giles' overhead presentation in "Hush," complete with stick figure drawings (using copious amounts of red pen for blood), Anya nonchalantly munching popcorn throughout, and best of all, Buffy's easily-misinterpreted "staking" motion. Then her outraged 'my hips aren't that big!' gesture.
- Xander's "boobs?" gesturing and Willow's miming of what would happen once she played a screamo CD.
- Xander picking up the phone, calling Buffy, and...hanging up. Xander shouting random things to see if he could vocalize a sound, blaming Spike at the top of his lungs, and Spike (still tied to a chair from his arrival the previous day) flipping him the V. Really, the half-an-act starting after Buffy wakes up has enough funny parts to be humorous if you can't read lips, but is truly hilarious if you can.
- Spike has to stay in Xander's bedroom and is tied to a chair by his bed, he says the following with the funniest girly voice you have ever heard:
Spike: Xander, don't you care about me?
Xander: Shut up.
Spike: We never talk.
Xander: Shut up!
Xander: SHUT UP!
- Walsh pointing out the IN CASE OF EMERGENCY USE STAIRWAY sign to Riley and Forrest after they had just survived the Initiative's poison gas countermeasures. What makes it even better is that, judging by the long-suffering look on her face, she's done this several times already with the other soldiers.
- This exchange:
Spike: We're out of Weetabix.
Giles: We are out of Weetabix because you ate it all. Again.
Spike: Get some more.
Giles: I thought vampires were supposed to eat blood.
Spike: Yeah, well, sometimes I like to crumble up the Weetabix in the blood. Gives it a little texture.
Giles: Since the picture you just painted means that I will never touch food of any kind again, you'll just have to pick it up yourself.
- Giles remarking "Thank you for knocking" after Xander and Anya enter without a word.
- Giles and Spike pausing and looking at Xander and Anya after Anya gripes that all Xander cares about is orgasms, followed by this:
Xander: Okay, remember how we talked about private conversations? How they're less private in front of my friends?Spike: Oh, we're not your friends. Go on.Giles: Please don't.
- After Giles asks Xander to take Spike for a few days because he's having a friend over and wants to be alone with said friend:
Anya: You mean an orgasm friend?Giles: Yes, that's exactly the most appalling thing you could have said.
- The sheer terror the Gentlemen inspires kills it a bit, but Doug Jones does a hilarious "oh shucks, you shouldn't have" gesture when the others applaud his presenting the hearts they've gotten.
- Riley and Forrest are in the elevator not able to get the vocal recognition thingy to work, and Riley is trying to remember the manual override password. Behind him, Forrest takes the time to write on his little scrap of paper.
Forrest: (held up behind Riley's head) Come on! Come on!
- Xander attacks Spike when he thinks he's bitten and killed Anya, who wakes up and stands up near the two men as they brawl, and Spike points at Anya to convince Xander otherwise.
- Spike tries to bash Xander with a wrench, only for his chip to go off.
- Giles informs the Scoobies that the Monsters Of The Week are planning to bring about the end of the world. Their response:
Buffy, Willow, Xander: AGAIN??
- Can we have a moment of appreciation for Buffy and Riley discussing their similar career choices in public?
Riley: I mean, you're a...fry cook, and so am I!
Buffy: Yes, but you're an amateur fry cook, and I come from a long line of fry cooks who don't live past twenty-five!
- Spike's hilariously ridiculous get-up after he accidentally shrinks his usual clothes in the laundry, and the following exchange:
Spike: I shrunk them. Bleeding shirt, trousers... I hate this place.Xander: I'm no happier about you wearing my stuff than you are.Spike: Go out. Get me some decent stuff. And I want more blood.Xander: No! You're not a guest.Spike: You want me to tear this place apart, you poof?Xander: That's it! I am way past through with you. I hate to break it to you, O impotent one, but you're not the Big Bad any more. You're not even the Kind of Naughty. You're nothing but a waste of space--my space! And as much as I got a big laugh watching Buffy kick your shiny white bum, and as much as I know I can give you a bum-kicking, I'm here to tell you somethin'--you're not even worth it.
- Spike tries to commit suicide by falling onto a stake, and his attempt fails, thanks to Willow and Xander entering, startling him and causing him to crash onto the table.
- Xander's response to Spike trying to off himself:
Spike: Fag off! It's no concern of yours.Xander: Is too! For one thing, that's my shirt you're about to dust. For another, we've shared a lot. You should have trusted me enough to do it for you.Willow: Xander!Xander: What? He wants to die, I wanna help.
- Spike trying to scare Willow. It doesn't work.
- Xander's response to Spike trying to off himself:
- Spike's Brief Accent Imitation when Riley asks him "Don't I know you?"
- At the end of the episode:
Spike: What's this? Sitting around watching the telly while there's evil still afoot. That's not very industrious of you. I say we go out there and kick a little demon ass! What, can't go without your Buffy, is that it? Too chicken? Let's find her! She is the Chosen One after all. Come on! Vampires! Grrr! Nasty! Let's annihilate them. For justice...and for...the safety of puppies...and Christmas, right? Let's fight that evil! Let's kill something! (after the screen fades to black) Oh, come on!
A New Man (4x12)
- Buffy's interview with Walsh:
Prof. Walsh: Agent Finn here, alone, has killed or captured— how many is it?
Riley: (extremely proud) Seventeen!
Buffy: Oh... Wow. I mean, that's... seventeen.
- Giles pissing and moaning at Xander and Willow for not telling him that Riley is a commando.
Giles: Stop, both of you. What are you talking about? What's the Initiative? What on earth does it have to do with Buffy's new boyfriend?Willow: You know. I'm sure you know. Riley's one of the commandos.Giles: What?! Well, that's marvelous, isn't it? Here I am, having spent weeks trying to get a single scrap of information about our mysterious demon collectors, and no one bothers to tell me Buffy's dating one of them?! (shines his flashlight into Xander and Willow's faces) Who else knows?Xander: No one. No one else knows this. (beat) Anya, and that's it.Willow: (reluctantly) And Spike.Giles: Spike?! Spike knew?!Xander: Only the basic stuff. You know, that Riley is a commando and Professor Walsh is in charge—Giles: Professor Walsh?! That fishwife?
- Giles sends Xander and Willow on their way, and decides to stay behind. Xander and Willow offer to stay, but Giles tells them to go, so they hustle out.
- Giles then waits a moment or two before giving up:
Giles: Oh, who am I kidding? Nothing is going to happen. (leaves and closes the door)
Ethan: (coming out of the shadows) I wouldn't say that. I wouldn't say that at all. In fact, Ripper, old mate, I'd say something rather interesting was about to hap—
Giles: (comes back in) Is someone-?
Ethan: Oh, bugger! I thought you'd gone!
- Demon!Giles accidentally tearing off a banister in his apartment.
- He then tries pulling on the shirt he wore the day before, only to end up tearing it.
Demon!Giles: Oh! And I liked that shirt!
- He then tries pulling on the shirt he wore the day before, only to end up tearing it.
- Demon!Giles enters Xander's basement to find him still asleep.
Demon!Giles: Still asleep? It's 10:30 in the morning!
- He then walks over to the bed and gets Xander to wake up. Xander finally wakes up, sees Demon!Giles (who, to Xander, is speaking in the Fyarl language), and freaks out, jumping up and throwing pans at Demon!Giles, causing him to flee.
Xander: That's right! Run for your life!
- He then walks over to the bed and gets Xander to wake up. Xander finally wakes up, sees Demon!Giles (who, to Xander, is speaking in the Fyarl language), and freaks out, jumping up and throwing pans at Demon!Giles, causing him to flee.
- Demon!Giles running across someone's front yard, where children are playing. He ends up stepping on a kid's toy and cries "I'm sorry!" before continuing to flee, yelling "BLOODY HUMANS!"
- Spike telling Demon!Giles about the Fyarl Demon's super-mucus:
Demon!Giles: Listen, about this Fyarl Demon. Do I have special powers? Like setting things on fire with my sizzling eye beams?Spike: Well, you got the mucus thing.Demon!Giles: What? Mucus?Spike: Paralyzing mucus. Shoots out through the nose. Sets up fast, hard as rock. Pretty good in a fight.Demon!Giles: Are you making this up?Spike: Maybe. But, hey, if you feel a sneeze comin' on, you warn me.
- Demon!Giles chasing Walsh down the street. Petty yet satisfying.
- Also Spike laughing at Demon!Giles after he gets back in the car and says "Right, let's go, then."
- Spike driving Giles' car as a distraction for Initiative soldiers, and crashing it just as he's yelling "You just try and stop me, you stupid jarhe—!"
The I in Team (4x13)
- Spike has a tracer planted into his shoulder by the Initiative. Giles calls Willow in to use a spell to disrupt its beacon. The spell that Willow chooses has the effect of ionizing the air around them. After the spell is finished, all the lights in the house burst, and when the camera pulls back to the Scoobies... Their hair looks like they all got struck by lightning. Or, to put it another way, like they raided Angel's hair-styling gel stash and used it. All. At once.
Willow: Did it work? Is the atmosphere ionized?
- Willow's hair is truly spectacular. Its defiance of gravity rivals any Final Fantasy character.
Giles: ..... I'd venture 'yes'.
Goodbye Iowa (4x14)
- Spike's "supportive thumbs up" dopey grin.
Spike: Oh, and if you're trying to kill her... *thumbs up*
- Buffy's delivers what could have been one of her more badass speeches.
Buffy: You guys research the Polgara demon. I want to know where it is. When I find it, I'm going to make it pay for taking that kid's life. I'll make him die in ways he can't even imagine.
(everybody glares at her)
Buffy: .....that probably would've sounded more commanding if I wasn't wearing my yummy sushi pajamas.
This Year’s Girl (4x15) / Who Are You (4x16)
- Riley's in-universe Continuity Lockout: After the rest of the Scoobies have a lengthy, intensive discussion about Faith waking up and what she could be doing, he sheepishly asks "Who's Faith?"
- Xander and Giles ask Spike for help finding Faith.
Xander: For your information, smarty, we've got a rogue Slayer on our hands. Real psycho-killer too.
Spike: Sounds serious.
Giles: It is. What do you know?
Spike: What do you need?
Xander: Her. Dark hair. Yay tall, name of Faith, criminally insane.
Giles: Have you seen her?
Spike: Is this bird after you?
Xander: In a bad way, yeah.
Spike: Tell you what I'll do then. I'll head out, find this girl, tell her exactly where you are and then watch as she kills you. (Sees their looks of surprise and irritation.) Can't any one of your damn little Scooby club at least try to remember that I hate you all? Just because I can't do the damage myself doesn't stop me from aiming a loose cannon your way. And here I thought the evening would be dull.
Xander: Go ahead. You wouldn't even recognize her.
Spike: Dark hair, this tall, name of Faith, criminally insane. Like this girl already.
Xander and Giles watch him leave.
Xander: We're dumb.
- Faith, as Buffy, outguesses Spike.
Spike: You know why I really hate you, Summers?
Buffy: 'Cause I'm a stuck up tight ass with no sense of fun?
Spike: Well...yeah, that covers a lot of it.
- "Who Are You?" after Faith and Buffy switch bodies and Buffy tries to tell Giles what happened. Eliza Dushku does a dead perfect Sarah Michelle Gellar impression as she tries to convince him she's really Buffy.
Buffy in Faith: When I had psychic power I heard my mom think that you were like a stevedore during sex. Do you want me to continue?"Giles: (horrified expression with deadpan delivery) Actually I beg you to stop.Buffy in Faith: "What's a stevedore?"
- Faith in Buffy's body comes to a church to save people held hostage by vampires and runs into Riley.
Faith: How'd you get here so fast?
Riley: I didn't, I'm just late for church.
- Xander: So we're saying he did a spell just to make us think he was cool?
Xander: That is so cool!
- Riley's insistence that he is too tall, along with Xander's fear of a world without Jonathan to protect everyone.
Buffy: Giles, do you have a Jonathan swimsuit calendar?
(Buffy finds one on his dining room table under a stack of papers)
Giles: It was a present!
- Anya trying to explain the concept of alternate universes.
Anya: Say you really like shrimp a lot. Or we could say you don't like shrimp at all. 'Blah, I wish there weren't any shrimp' you would say to yourself...
Buffy: Stop, you're saying it wrong! (to the others) I think that Jonathan may be doing something so that he's manipulating the world and we're all, like, his pawns.
Anya: (under her breath) Or prawns.
Buffy: Stop with the shrimp!
Where the Wild Things Are (4x18)
- Buffy and Riley fight a vampire and a demon (with horns).
Buffy: Okay, you get fang, I get horny. (Beat) I mean ...
- Spike trying to rob Anya...by jumping out and scaring her.
- After being forced to leave Lowell House by the poltergeists, Spike tells Xander he's with him...only to then drop the act and head off.
Xander: We're fresh out of super-people and somebody's gotta go back in there. Now who's with me?Spike: I am. I know I'm not the first choice for heroics, and Buffy's tried to kill me more than once, and I don't fancy a single one of you at all, but...actually, all that sounds pretty convincing. I wonder if Asian House is open. (leaves)
- When Willow, Anya, Tara and Xander go to find Giles and see him singing and playing guitar in a cafe. Cue stunned looks from the girls, in particular Willow whose mouth falls open, and this line from Xander:
Xander: Could we go back to the haunted house, because this is creeping me out.
Xander: I'm fighting total mental breakdown here, Will. No more fuel on the fire, please?
- Made all the more funnier when the girls all agree that voice is sexy (it is) and Xander nearly starts a Heroic BSOD.
Tara: Does he... do this a lot?
- All of Xander's dialogue in this scene is just utterly hysterical.
Xander: Sure! Every day the Earth rotates backwards and the skies turn orange!
- They went looking for him after Giles told them he needed some alone time. He spots them mid-song and nearly falters.
- Willow moaning at how good he is, before remembering why she had such a crush on him. Subtext? Where?
New Moon Rising (4x19)
- It's brief, but when Oz says that Tara "smells like" Willow, you can see a "WTF?" look form on her face that's hysterical.
The Yoko Factor (4x20)
- Giles yelping like a woman after he spots Spike standing in his living room while he sings and plays his guitar, followed by this remark from Spike:
Spike: For someone who's got "Watcher" on his resume, you might wanna cast an eye to the front door every now and again.
- Angel's uncharacteristically snarky comment to Buffy about Riley:
- Angel: You actually sleep with this guy?
- Uncharacteristic on Buffy—very common in Angel.
- There's also Angel's parting words; he turns to Buffy, saying "About Riley..." It's set up as a "take care of her" moment, but gets mercifully subverted when he says "...I don't like him."
- What improves this is that they clearly did not get along; had the trope not been subverted, it would have been bad writing.
- Riley finding out that Angel, after he annihilated a military strike team, beat him up, and generally acted hostile and insulting, has not been turned evil.
Riley: You mean this is a good day for him?
- Giles drunkenly telling Buffy "[Adam]'s gonna kick your ass!" and bursting into giggles after Xander remarks he'll be doing sit-ups at Fort Dix.
- Giles' off-screen "Bloody Hell!" after Willow finally came out as well as this reference to The Wizard of Oz:
Spike: You haven't been much of a whiz lately.
Willow: I am a whiz!
Tara: She is a whiz!
Willow: If ever a whiz there was.
- Xander's dream sequence where he's Benjamin L. Willard and Snyder is Colonel Kurtz. Made it into the series because Armin Shimmerman does a fantastic Brando impression.
Principal Snyder: I walked by your guidance counselor's office one time. A bunch of you were sitting there, waiting to be shepherded. I remember it smelled like dead flowers, like decay. Then it hit me. The hope of our nation's future is a bunch of mulch.
Xander: You know, I never got the chance to tell you how glad I was you were eaten by a snake.
- The single most hilarious part of this episode has to be Giles SINGING his traditional expository monologue about the Monster of the Week. It literally must be seen to be believed.
- "Spike is like a son to me!"
- Two Words: Cheese. Man.
Buffy: Well, at least you all didn't dream about that guy with the cheese. (Giles, Xander and Willow look up in surprise) I don't know *where* the hell that came from. (All share confused glances at each other as Buffy leaves.)
- Willow's dream interpretation of Death of a Salesman in "Restless". It involves a cowboy.
Cowboy!Riley: I'm looking for a man. A salesman.
Flapper!Buffy: But what else could I expect from a bunch of low-rent, no-account hoodlums like you? Hoodlums, yes, I mean you and your friends, your whole sex, throw 'em in the sea for all I care, throw 'em in and wait for the bubbles, men with your groping and spitting all groin no brain three billion of you passing around the same worn-out urge. Men! With your ... sales!
- For an episode as Mind Screw-y as "Restless" was, Buffy got a good one in on the First Slayer at the end, after she completely subverts the whole "Your Mind Makes It Real" gig.
Buffy: (To the very wild-haired First Slayer) Also, in terms of hair-care, you want to be asking yourself "What kind of impression am I making in the workplace?"
- Giles, as the director of Willow's nightmare Death of a Salesman production, explaining to the cast (which includes all the regulars) that they have to be good because "everyone that Willow's ever met is out in that audience, including all of us." If the speech itself wasn't enough, then Harmony repeatedly jumping up to try to bite Giles's neck (he's a head taller than her at least) and Giles's nonchalant reaction ("Stop that, it's very annoying") seals the deal.
- Riley and Human!Adam discussing their plans for world domination ("the key element is coffee makers that think") and their reaction to an Initiative security breech ("This could be serious." "We should build a fort." "I'll get some pillows.")
- The Initiative alarm in that scene: "The demons have escaped. Please run for your lives."
- Riley's declaration that "I showed up early, so I got to be cowboy guy."... Always thought of that as the explanation of how Marc Blucas got on the show in the first place.
TV series: Season 5
Buffy vs. Dracula (5x01)
- Xander is trying not to let everyone else know that he's been brainwashed by Dracula:
Xander: Like any of that's enough to fight the Dark Master!
(Everybody looks at him funny.)
Xander: I think you're drawing a lot of crazy conclusions about the Unholy Prince.
- It gets even funnier later on:
(Everybody looks at him funny again.)
- Xander being dismissed by Dracula as "strange and off-putting".
- Riley's Unwanted Rescue of Giles.
Giles: Oh, my shoe. Silly me, I'll just pop...
Riley: No NO NO, sir! No more chick pit for you.
- Xander again:
"Where is he? Where's the creep that turned me into a spider-eating man-bitch?"
- Buffy taking out Dracula again after he rises from her staking.
Buffy: Don't you ever watch your movies? You always come back.
- He tries to come back again, right in front of her and she says. After which he quickly dissipates again.
"I'm standing right here."
- Spike hating Dracula because he owes him twenty dollars.
- Joyce talking to Willow and Tara after it turns out she invited Dracula into the Summers' home:
Joyce: He seemed so nice and normal... a little pale. [...] I'm not like this. I don't invite strange men over for coffee. It's just... oh, when you girls are older you'll understand. It's hard to date. Sometimes you just feel like giving up on men all together.
(Willow and Tara share an awkward look.)
Real Me (5x02)
- Three Words: "Harmony has minions?" Buffy completely loses it with laughter, making this an In-Universe CMOF.
- The fact that it's a cut from Xander saying 'Buffy is not going to be happy about this' to her laughing makes it funnier.
- This line from Giles after he takes over the magic shop.
Giles: I've was a librarian for years. This is no different except now people pay for the things they never return.
- This must have a been a strange evening.
Buffy: Wow, you've really thought this through. How bored were you last year?
Giles: ... I watched "Passions" with Spike. Let us never speak of it.
- Or Xander's adventures in babysitting:
Joyce: (to Dawn) Be good.
Xander: Oh, we will. We're just gonna play with matches, run with scissors, take candy from... some guy, I don't know his name. (winks at Dawn)
- This excellent bit of innuendo.
Dawn: She (Tara) and Willow are both witches. They do spells and stuff which is so much cooler than slaying. I told mom one time I wish they'd teach me some of the things they do together... and she got really quiet and made me go upstairs.
The Replacement (5x03)
- One of the Xanders tries to prove himself to Willow by doing the Snoopy dance.
No Place Like Home (5x05)
- When Buffy is meditating in her room,
Dawn: What are you doing?
Buffy: My boyfriend. Go away.
- Giles, when Buffy sees him, is dressed in a full wizard outfit. Buffy stares at him, Giles stares back. She still stares at him, he still stares back. Buffy still stares at him, and Giles finally takes the hint and slowly, reluctantly, removes the hat.
- Willow, upon seeing him, immediately pouts that he isn't wearing the hat and robe.
- The way the Show went all Does This Remind You of Anything? regarding Willow and Tara's Wiccan Magic got kind of silly after a while. But when the characters themselves started doing it? Hilarious!
(Talking about Tara's birthday)
Buffy: Thinking there will be a lot of Wiccans there? Heavy Wiccan crowd?
Xander: That's sort of her deal. Her and Willow are all Wiccie. Swinging with the Wiccan lifestyle.
Buffy: Which is cool!
Xander: Oh yeah.
Buffy: I just hope we fit in, not awkward.
Xander: With Willow, it is like she got this... whole new thing in her life. But she is still Willow, so I can always figure her out. But Tara, all I know is that she likes Willow. She already has one of those.
- The whole gang defends Tara when her father arrives to take her away.
Xander: You're dealing with all of us.
Spike: Except me.
Xander: Except Spike.
Spike: Yeah, I don't care what happens.
Fool for Love (5x07)
- Many of the Smash Cuts in the show are funny but the one that sticks out is the one in this episode, when Spike described himself as "always been bad" then we see the nerdy William trying to write a poem for his beloved Cecily.
- Drusilla's odd reaction to Angel and Spike's quarrel.
Darla (sing song): I think our boys are going to fight!
Drusilla: The King of cups is expecting a picnic, but this is not his birthday!
Darla (beat): Good point.
Listening to Fear (5x09)
- Giles describes the Monster of the Week as a "Killer snot creature from outer space".
Giles: ...I did not say that.
- Spike trying to downplay being in Buffy's house in the middle of the night.
Buffy: Spike?Spike: Uh, yeah. Listen, uh, did you hear a noise?Buffy: What the hell are you doing in my house?Spike: Right then, you caught me. Your basement's full of junk, and me being in need of, uh, junk-Buffy: You were stealing?Spike: Well, yeah, can't exactly work the counter at burger barn. *slips something into his pocket*Buffy: Wait, are those pictures of me?
Into the Woods (5x10)
- Anya: That's so very humorous. Make fun of the ex-demon! I can just hear you in private: "I dislike that Anya. She's newly human and strangely literal."
- It's better in context—she's talking to a chicken foot as she imagines them making fun of her.
- The large banner celebrating Christmas, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa & Gurnenthar's Ascendance in Giles' shop.
- Don't forget the Winter Solstice.
- Giles cracking up laughing after Willow talks about painting the toenails of the chicken feet.
- It's especially funny because it seems unscripted. It looks like Anthony Head is trying to keep it together while Alyson Hannigan says her line, and then he just loses it.
- Xander and Anya are wondering how Buffy is dealing with Riley leaving. Cut to a convent.
- When Olaf the troll asks Spike where there are babies (to eat), Spike turns to Xander and says, in total seriousness, "What do you think? The hospital?"
- "They've got this onion thing..."
- Buffy's "They (Xander & Anya) have a miraculous love" rant in "Triangle".
- During a reminder that the Scooby Gang (quote circa late season 5) is hardly a group of civilians:
- After having spent the entire episode trying to trying to convince the Council she's not a demon, no less. Her interview with the council members also belongs on this list.
Anya: Anya Christina Emmanuella Jenkins. Twenty years old. Born on the fourth of July — and don't think there weren't jokes about that my whole life, mister, 'cause there were. "Who's our little patriot?" they'd say, when I was younger and therefore smaller and shorter than I am now.
Phillip: So... you spell it A - N - Y - A, then?
Nigel: Well, I need to know a little bit more about the Slayer. And about both of you. Your relationship, whatever you can tell me.
- So does Willow's and Tara's interview.
Tara: O-ou-our relationship?
Willow: We're friends.
Tara: Good friends.
Willow: Girlfriends, actually.
Tara: Yes, we're girlfriends.
Willow: We're in love. We're... lovers. Lesbian, gay-type lovers. [She puts her hand on Tara's leg.]
Nigel: [Deadpan] I meant your relationship with the Slayer.
- Buffy brings Joyce and Dawn over to Spike's to have him protect them:
Spike: And don't make a lot of noise. Passions is coming on.
Joyce: Passions? Oh, do you think Timmy's really dead?
Spike: Oh! (He and Joyce each sit on his armchair) No, no, she can just sew him back together. He's a doll, for god's sake
Joyce: Uh, what about the wedding? I mean, there's no way they're gonna go through with that.
- Made even funnier by Dawn's total look of exasperation.
- Buffy calls for no interruptions from the Watchers as she call them out. When one tries, she just throws a sword, landing in the wall directly across his chest, cutting him off.
Blood Ties (5x13)
- After Buffy knocks Spike into the tomb he was sitting on:
Careful. These (his nails) are wet.
- Spike's Ghost Story that Buffy interrupts just as he's getting to the worst part. Dawn wants him to finish, Buffy, in full Mama Bear mode, arches her eyebrows all, "Finish it Spike, and I'll hurt you if I don't like it," and Spike's thinking, "Bring My Brown Pants."
- Spike's enraged rant after Buffy rejects him:
- Spike: WHAT THE BLEEDING HELL...IS WRONG...WITH YOU BLOODY WOMEN?! What the hell does it take?! Why do you bitches torture me?!Buffy: Which one do you want me to answer first?
- He then turns his rage on Drusilla, blaming him for his chip.
- Buffy punching Spike and sending him crashing into his shrine of her.
I Was Made to Love You (5x15)
- Joyce's final scene is quite possibly the most laugh-out-loud funny moment in the series, which makes it extremely bittersweet.
Joyce: Gosh, I'd forgotten how much fun dating can be.
Buffy: I dunno. I was standing right here. I didn't even see Prince Charming. I didn't even see a good night kiss. It all looked pretty tame to me.
Joyce: Well, I suppose by your standards, it could seem pretty... Oh, dear.
Joyce: I left my bra in his car.
Joyce: I'm kidding.
Buffy: Good God, that's horrible. Don't do that.
Joyce: I left it in the restaurant.
Buffy: (running upstairs with her hands over her ears): No more! No more! No more!
Joyce: On the dessert cart!
Buffy: (faintly, off screen) I can't hear you!
The Body (5x16)
- This episode is one long Tear Jerker, but contains a gem of funny from Anya, after Xander punches a hole in the wall of Willow and Tara's apartment and Tara returns from the laundry room.
Tara: Did I miss something?
Anya: Xander decided that he blames the wall.
- Buffy goes on a Vision Quest. Seems like an odd time for a joke, eh?
Buffy: So, how's it start?
Giles: I, uh, jump out of the circle, and then I jump back in it, and then I, um... shake my [magic] guord.
Buffy: I know this ritual! The ancient shamans were then called upon to do the Hokey-Pokey and turn themselves around!
Giles: (as dryly British as he has ever been) Go quest.
- After having seen the Buffybot with Spike, the Scooby Gang confronts the real Buffy with what they believe to be the truth, and Hilarity Ensues.
Xander: Buffy, we care about you, and we're worried about you. The way you're acting, the things you're doing-
Anya: It's wrong.
Willow: Wait. This shouldn't be about blame.
Buffy: Blame? There's blame now?
Willow: No, there's only love. And... some fear.
Anya: We're just kind of thrown by the you having sex with Spike.
Buffy: (jawdrop) The who whatting how with huh?
Anya: Okay, that's denial. That usually comes before anger.
Buffy: (heatedly) I am not having sex with Spike!
Xander: (soothingly) No one is judging you. It's understandable. Spike is strong and mysterious and sort of compact but well-muscled.
Buffy: (firmly) I am not having sex with Spike! But I'm starting to think that you might be!
- Xander struggles not to laugh at the accusation.
- Or, after the mystery of the Buffybot has been revealed.
Xander: Spike must have had her built so he could program her to-
Buffy: (horrified) Oh God!
Willow: Yikes! Imagine the things-
Buffy: No! No imagining, any of you!
Xander: (raises his hand sheepishly) Already got the visual.
- We actually get to see the visual, which is about what we'd expect of Faith.
- After finding the Buffybot...with Spike, Xander and Anya have to warn Willow and Tara, not knowing it's the bot yet. Tara doesn't want to judge Buffy, knowing what she went through, then...
Anya: Buffy's boinking Spike.
Willow: (struggling to understand) Oh. Well, Tara's right, grief can be powerful and we shouldn't judge -
Tara: What are you, kidding? She's nuts!
- The script gets one for Xander's and Anya's reactions to Spike and the bot.
As she bumps into him, then she sees what he sees. Xander looks like he just took a bite of Hell. Anya, however, is intrigued and a little turned on.
- "Oh Spike. You're the Big Bad. You're the Big Bad."
- Glory's minion's reaction to Spike "revealing" the key as "That guy on TV. On that show, the price show where they guess what stuff costs."
Murk: The Price is right?Jinx: Bob Barker?Murk: We will bring you Bob Barker! We will bring you the limp and beaten body of Bob Barker!
Tough Love (5x19)
- After Willow claims that she doesn't know if she could sleep without Tara.
Anya: You can sleep with me! (Pause) That sounded a lot less lesbian in my head.
- Anya's suggestion on how to deal with Glory:
Anya: Drop a piano on her. It always works for that creepy cartoon rabbit when he's running from that nice hunter with the speech impediment.
- Funny thing is that Xander seems to have this style of attack in mind when he makes his contribution to the fight in the next episode.
- And this conversation between Spike and Giles while driving the old bus.
Spike: Step on it, gramps!
Giles: Step on what? I've driven tricycles with more power than this!
- When they're being attacked by the Knights of Byzantium:
Willow: Don't hit the horsies!
Buffy: We won't! (to Giles) Aim for the horsies.
The Gift (5x22)
- Glory isn't exactly the brightest god in the heavens;
The Slayer's a robot! Did everybody else know that the Slayer was a robot?
- Buffy puts the grand plan into motion to stop Glory, and in lieu of her usual pep talk, we get this:
Buffy: Hey, everybody knows their jobs. Remember, the ritual starts, we all die. And I'll kill anyone who comes near Dawn.
Spike: Well, not exactly the St. Crispin's Day speech, was it?
Giles: (Wryly) "We few, we happy few..."
Spike: We band of buggered.
* Xander takes Anya's advice on how to fight Glory - by hitting her with a wrecking ball. Also a Moment of Awesome.Xander: And the glorified bricklayer picks up a spare!
TV series: Season 6
- Xander: Who made you boss the boss of us?
Willow: You did. You said I could be boss.
Anya: You said to take a vote and it was unanimous.
Tara: You made a plaque that said "You're the boss of us!" with little sparkles on it.Razor: Not looking too good.
Xander: I don't see you winning any beauty pageants. Not unless the Miss my face fell off contest gets going.Razor: Pretty big axe you got there
Xander: All the better to cut you down to size, Grandma.Razor: Of course We want trouble. We're demons. We're really all about the trouble.Spike: [To Giles] Did your whole life flash before your eyes? Cup of tea, cup of tea, almost got shagged, cup of tea?
Life Serial (6x05)
- The Peggy Sue Running Gag.
Buffy: And then I'm going to marry Bob Dole and raise penguins in Guam.
- The repeated failure at fetching a mummy hand from storage. The first time Buffy skewered it on a dagger:
Buffy: Oh it's just playing dead. *slaps mummy hand* Little scamp!
Customer: *stares into package*
- Second time around she attempts to apprehend the hand with a pair of barbeque tongs:
Buffy: ...fingers sold separately.
Warren: This mummy hand has ceased to be!
- If this put you in mind of a Norwegian Blue pining for the fjords, then Joss Whedon is one step ahead of you, because a few loops later, this happens:
Andrew: It is an ex-mummy hand!
- Eventually, she just sits there while the mummy hand plays with the tongs.
- "Stop touching my magic bone!!"
- Which leads to the hysterical "Jonathan, grab your magic bone!"
- Buffy drinking alcohol and shuddering with disgust. Again. And again.
- Buffy snarking during the demon poker game.
Spike: Somebody's gotta stake me.
Buffy: I'll do it!
- Warren, Andrew, and Jonathan fighting over who's the best James Bond. It starts as an offhand comment by Warren and escalates into all-out war.
Warren: Connery is Bond. He had style.
Jonathan: But Roger Moore was funny.
Warren: Moonraker?! The gondola turns into a hovercraft? Retarded! And the guy had, like, no edge.
Andrew: Dalton had edge. In License to Kill, he was a rogue agent. That’s edgy. And he was amazing in The Living Daylights.
Jonathan: Which was written for Roger Moore, not Timothy Dalton.
Warren: This is stupid. We're wasting time. End of discussion! (beat) There was a shot of, like, pigeons doing doubletakes when that gondola blasted by! Moonraker is inexcusable!
Andrew: Timothy Dalton should win an Oscar and BEAT SEAN CONNERY OVER THE HEAD WITH IT!!!
- Eventually, it culminates in this priceless line:
- "Life Serial" is one of only two (the other being the more serious "Sleeper") to be written as a collaboration between the show's funniest writers, David Fury AND Jane Espenson. That should explain why this episode has so many classic moments.
All the Way (6x06)
- Buffy: Didn't anyone come here just to make out? [two raise their hands] Awww... that's sweet. You run. [the couple does so] (to vamps) You scream.
- Anya's Halloween costume.
Anya: (Dressed up in a Charlie's Angels costume for Halloween) Um, no, this is a special kind of angel called a Charlie. We don't have wings, we just skate around with perfect hair fighting crime.
- "The Dance Of Capitalist Superiority", Anya pulling out a wad of cash and doing a happy dance with it, as Dawn joins in completely carefree for a few minutes. Then Anya reveals she does it every night, and you just know it's true.
- Xander's "vigorous use of his tongue" leads to this exchange between Buffy and Giles:
Buffy: Is that why you're always cleaning your glasses? So you can't see what we're doing?
Giles: Tell no one.
Once More, with Feeling (6x07)
- "They got... the mustard... OOOUUUT!!!!"
Buffy: It's not just us.
- For some perspective, The Mustard is the conclusion to a big band song with the citizens of Sunnydale performing backflips with their dry cleaning. Over MUSTARD being removed from a SHIRT.
- The part that gets most people is the deadpanned line immediately following:
- From "Going Through The Motions"
Demon: She's not half the girl she [gets stabbed] OWWWWW!
Buffy: Will I stay this way forever - sleep-walk through my life's endeavor? (frees a hot guy who was tied up)
Sexy Open Shirt Bystander: How can I repay y-
- From "I've Got a Theory"
Anya: I've got a theory...It must be bunnies!
The Scoobies: (Cricket Chirp)
Tara: I've got a theory-
Anya: Bunnies are not cute like everyone supposes! They've got those hoppy legs and twitchy little noses! And what's with all the carrots?! What do they need good eyesight for anywaaaays!? BUNNIES!! BUNNIES!!! IT MUST BE BU-UN-NAAAAAYS!!!!!
The Scoobies: (Silence)
Anya:...or maybe midgets. * And of course this bit...Xander: It could be witches, some evil witches *sees Willow and Tara glare at him*...which is ridiculous, 'cause witches, they were persecuted, Wicca good and love the Earth and women power and I'll be over here...
- The woman singing about getting a parking ticket.
The women singing: Hey, I am not wearing underwear.
- This bit:
- This exchange:
Willow: Those boys were totally checking you out.
Tara: "They were? I'm cured! I want the boys!"
- Giles, Xander, and Anya, walking down the street. First they discuss how Xander and Anya's song was, Giles provides some exposition about the demon responsible, and then it drifts to discussing Buffy's recent difficulties in life. All the while, there are people performing in the background (and the foreground, as the camera focuses on the parking ticket lady as they talk).
Giles: I was able to examine the body while the police were taking witness arias.
Anya: It was like we were being watched. Like there was a wall missing from our apartment. Like there were only three walls, and not a fourth one.
- What about this line?
- Dawn's response to Sweet taking him back to the Underworld as his bride.
Well I mean / I'm fifteen / so this queen thing's illegal
- Willow's line in "Walk Through the Fire".
Willow:I think this line's mostly filler.
Tabula Rasa (6x08)
- This part, where Spike thinks he's Giles' son and reads the name inside of his suit jacket:
Spike: Randy? Randy Giles?! Why not Horny Giles or Desperate-For-A-Shag Giles?!?!
Spike: Oh, listen to Mary Poppins. He's got his crust all stiff and upper with that nancy-boy accent. You Englishmen are always so... (stops and notices his own accent) Bloody hell! (ticks off on his fingers) Sodding, blimey, shagging, knickers, bollocks... oh God! I'm English!Giles: (dryly) Welcome to the nancy tribe.
- Or the mutual discovery of their nationality:
- How about Giles and Anya as a married couple? Or Willow and Alex (Xander) as a couple with Willow's attraction to Tara? Or JOAN THE VAMPIRE SLAYER?!?
- Anya attempts to counter the memory spell, and summons a horde of bunnies, a sinister green cloud, a sword wielding skeleton, and some kind of ferocious beast that we never even see.
- That look of fright on their faces when they saw vampires. So funny it gets used in the season 7 opening.
- Spike learning that he's a vampire. First Buffy insults Anne Rice, then...
Spike/Randy: I must be a vampire with a soul. I'm a good guy on a mission of redemption. I help the helpless!
Buffy/Joan: How lame is that?
- The callback to "Doppelgängland" (3x16) to Willow's summation of her vampire counterpart—minus the "evil and skanky" part.
- "Stay away from Randy!"
- Spike and Giles bickering.
Spike/Randy: *lays arm chummily on Giles' shoulders* Dad'll have a car. A mid life crisis thing, long, red and shaped like a penis.
- Head and shoulders of Spike as he finishes pouting at an invisible Buffy for only coming around to use him. He tells her to take her clothes if she can find them and get out...then looks crotch-ward suddenly, "That's cheatin'!"
- And before, when Xander walked in on them having sex, and Spike told him he was exercising.
- Buffy hearing the message that her invisibility will kill her: not so funny. The camera panning to her approximate position to simulate a reaction shot, on the other hand...
- Buffys scene invisibly visiting Mrs Kroger in her working place, implying to the poor woman she's going mad.
- A fully choreographed, well thought out fight scene... of four invisible people. It's pretty much just dubbing over a swerving camera with sound effects added in.
Doublemeat Palace (6x12)
- Halfrek's introductory scene is priceless. She threatens Xander's life and offers to dismember him in this horribly low, demonic voice, until she recognizes Anya, adopts a much girlier voice ("Anyanka?? Oh my GOD!") and hugs her, with Xander shitting bricks the entire time.
Older and Far Away (6x14)
- Tara asking Spike about the "cramp" in his pants.
As You Were (6x15)
- Buffy's embarrassment when Riley found her working at the Doublemeat Palace.
Riley: I've been up 48 hours straight tracking down something bad. Now it's come to Sunnydale,
Buffy: My hat has a cow...
- Buffy is walking home through a cemetary when a vampire jumps out to attack her. Not only does he let her put down her to-go bag before they fight, but when he has a clear shot at their throat, he recoils and says that she smells like the Doublemeat Palace, offers her his pity on the matter, and says that he'll be going since her odor is making him sick. Buffy replies with an indignant stake to the chest. As he is dusted, you can see him raising his arms in a "Oh come on!" gesture.
- Xander refers to Riley and Sam as Nick and Nora Fury.
Normal Again (6x17)
- Willow: "Hello, Tara. Would you like to go out with me for coffee, food, kisses and gay love?"
- Meta Example: During the scene where Tara and Willow get back together, Amber Benson accidentally used tongue on Alyson Hannigan.
Amber Benson: I think I made her sweat for the first time ever in her entire life.
- Buffy's attempts in "Grave" to fill Giles in on everything that's happened since he left. Anya's a vengeance demon again, Dawn's been stealing, they're running out of money... "And I've been sleeping with Spike." Giles stares at her solemnly for a long moment, then cracks up.
- Another bit:
Giles: I can see...
Anya: It's a miracle!
TV series: Season 7
Beneath You (7x02)
- A woman asks the Scoobies if there's anyone among them who hasn't had sex with each other. Cue glances from Xander and Spike.
- The combinations get even smaller as of S8. Xander and Dawn are together now, Angel S5 mentioned that Angelus and Spike did it once and Buffy had a one night stand with another Slayer.
- Spike's insane ramblings inside the church are a Tear Jerker, except for one, very brief moment of lucidity.
Buffy: Are you insane?
Spike: Well, yeah; where have you been all night?
Same Time, Same Place (7x03)
- Paralyzed Dawn is a goldmine of comedy, especially considering how increasingly muffled Dawn's lines become as her face gets more and more frozen.
Dawn: "Stop saying vomit!"
- "...She's posable?"
- Buffy leaving the TV remote in poseable Dawn's hand.
- On Buffy's first day as a high school counselor, Dawn shows up to complain about her control freak sister who keeps stealing all her clothes.
- Buffy's history as a Bully Hunter comes to a head with her guidance councilor job when Amanda asks her advice on a bully. You can just see the shock and her struggling not to laugh as she's told Amanda jumped him and smashed him into the pavement, she needs advice on if she should do it more.
- Buffy talks with Principal Wood (who's black) about some of the issues with her counseling job.
Wood: When I was in high school, I had a thing with this guy, right? Real bully. I kept telling everyone that he better sleep with one eye open cause I was gonna bust his ass. Well, I got suspended. Talk like that is taken pretty seriously where I come from.
Buffy: The hood?
Wood: Beverly Hills. Which is a hood, I guess.
- D'Hoffryn, upon seeing the Anya's murdered frat boys in season 7's "Selfless": "Oh, Breathtaking! It's like someone slaughtered an Abercrombie & Fitch catalogue."
- Anya's flashbacks to when she was human.
"It's a troll! Hide your babies and your beadwork!"
"The troll is doing an Olaf impersonation!"
"Hit him with fruits and various meats!"
- Then there was the "Once More" prequel song:
Man: Mustard on my shirt
Woman: Mustard, I'll never get it out
Man: My favorite dress shirt
Woman: Dry clean it
Man: How could you serve
- And Anya's song :
"Mrs Anya lame-ass-made-up-maiden-names Harris"
- Buffy, Willow, and Anya trying to win Jacket-Boy's love. To sum up:
Anya: Oh! I wrote...a poem. Comparing him to daisies and forests and diamonds, and that sort of thing.
- Buffy attempts to kill Principal Wood. With the rocket launcher.
- Not to mention the scene where she attempts it. Principal Wood is listening to quiet jazz while marking papers. In the window behind him we see Buffy appearing with the launcher, then Spike running in and doing a flying tackle, knocking Buffy out of view to stage right. They come back into frame with Buffy hanging off of Spike's shoulders beating him repeatedly over the head, vanishing to stage left. Then Spike comes back into view again running away with the rocket launcher and Buffy chasing after him like something straight out of Looney Toons, exit stage right again. Wood remains completely oblivious the entire time.
- Willow tries to fix the problem with Jacket-Boy's physical form.
- And Anya is implied to have committed multiple robberies somewhere, but turns the radio off before we can find out where and lies to the others about it when they ask.
- Buffy attempts to kill Principal Wood. With the rocket launcher.
- Buffy and Willow fighting over RJ.
Buffy: Anya could be seducing RJ as we speak.
Willow: You really think she would do that?
Buffy: She was recently evil.
Willow: So was I. Why should I miss out?
Buffy: Willow, you're a gay woman! *beat* And he isn't!?
Willow: This isn't about his physical presence! It's about his heart.
Anya: His physical presence has a PENIS!
Willow: I can work around it!
- Let's not forget the scene earlier in the Bronze:
(RJ is dirty dancing with a beautiful scantily-dressed girl, seen only from the back)
Willow: (ogling the girl) Check out his fan club.
Xander: (ogling likewise) Ooo, daddy like.
Buffy: (rolls her eyes) What is that shirt made of? Paint?
Willow: (dawning realization) Buffy...
Buffy: Glad Dawnie isn't here to see her precious boyfriend getting all thrusty with some slut-bag hussy-
(the girl turns around, and everybody jawdrops when they see that she is Dawn)
Xander: (horrified) Oh... oh no! Daddy no... I wasn't... when I was lookin' I wasn't... oh God!
Willow: (ashamed) Right there with ya.
- The line "Right there with ya." Is one of the funniest lines in the entire show.
Conversations with Dead People (7x07)
- Andrew's mistranslation of the Arc Words, "From Beneath You, It Devours" (he'd just been in Mexico and heard it in Spanish):
Andrew: (somberly) It eats you, starting with your bottom.
- Well, everyone spoke Mexicoan!
- Also, the whole Buffy/Holden scenes can get pretty funny, especially the part were Buffy is lying down on a grave with Holden going all psychoanalystic on her.
Never Leave Me (7x09)
- Andrew failing to kill a pig.
Bring on the Night (7x10)
- Giles makes his return.
We're having a slight...apocalypse.
- Kennedy meets Willow.
Willow: You wanna organize the sleeping arrangements?
Kennedy: Okay. You better not hog the covers.
- Despite her status as The Scrappy when the Spangal romance has moved right past Everyone Can See It to even the Potentials Kennedy's comment at finding out Buffy found Spike's crypt comfy is worth at least a giggle.
Kennedy: "Excuse me?" Kennedy stares Buffy down. "When did you find it comfy?"Buffy: "Moving on..."
The Killer in Me (7x13)
- As Molly and Rona are fighting over who gets to drive for their spirit quest (Rona won and stuff Molly in the trunk,) Giles busts Buffy on how the Potentials were apparently told the spirit quest apparently involves driving them out into the middle of the desert, doing the hokey pokey until a spooky rasta fari Slayer appears and speaks to them in riddles.
- The Glomp Andrew gives Willow /Warren.
Willow /Warren: Bad touching!
- The Scoobies start fearing that Giles might be the First because they can't remember if he's touched anything, since the First is incorporeal and all.
Giles: You think that I'm evil because I bring a group of girls camping and don't touch them?
- And how did they figure out that Giles wasn't The First?
(Anya, Xander, Dawn and Andrew tackle Giles)
Xander: Touch him!
Dawn: I feel him! I feel him!
Andrew: Me too!
Giles: Good, we all feel each other. (Looks at Andrew) Including some of us who don't each other well enough to take such liberties, thank you.
- This bit:
Spike: Who ya gonna call? [Beat] God that phrase is never gonna be usable again, is it?
Buffy: Doubt it.
First Date (7x14)
- Buffy and Willow talking about Principal Wood:
Buffy: It's just he's there on the Hellmouth all day everyday. That's like getting showered by evil, only from underneath.
Willow: Not really a shower.
Buffy: A bidet. Like a bidet of evil.
- Chan-Ahn the Chinese Potential what with no one understanding what she's saying and vice-versa.
- Most of it, actually, but coming to mind are the slow-mo kitchen sequence and "Why can't you just masturbate like the rest of us?"
- Honestly, all of his fantasy sequences are brilliant, especially the supervillain one:
Andrew: In my plan, we are beltless!
Andrew: WE ARE AS GOOOOODS *plays harp while a unicorn trots gently by*
- Andrew watching the footage of Xander and Anya's breakup and mouthing Anya's words.
- Andrew ignoring Willow & Kennedy kissing, instead complimenting Xander's work on fixing the window.
- Andrew tries to film Spike:
Spike: Hey, I told you get that thing out of my face! Now get out of here before I tear your head off!
Andrew: Spike, the light was behind you.
Spike: Oh sorry. [Takes a step forward] Hey, I told you to get that..
- The pig from "Never Leave Me" reappears.
Principal Wood: God, I hope that's not a student.
- Either hilarious or Squicky, depending on the viewer:
Andrew: It's in the kitchen. ...you didn't have any steak knives.
Willow: You put your old murder weapon in with our utensils?!
Andrew: .....I washed it.
Lies My Parents Told Me (7x17)
- Principal Wood trying to catch up with Spike's Back Story. Also serves as a humorous lampshade of Continuity Lock-Out.
Buffy: So, did you bring back any Potentials?
Giles: Um, rea— no. Actually, m-my, uh, my trip is about something else. It's–it's, um, regarding Spike.
Buffy: Spike. What about him?
Giles: I told you my concerns when you recklessly chose to remove the chip from his head.
Robin: Wait, sorry — chip?
Giles: Well, uh, it's a... long story.
Buffy: The military put a chip in Spike's head so he couldn't hurt anyone.
Giles: And that would be the abridged version.
Buffy: But he wouldn't hurt anyone anymore because he has a soul now.
Giles: Unless the First triggers him again.
Robin: Triggers the chip?
Buffy: No, the trigger's a post-hypnotic thing. The First put it in his head. It was... made him… He was killing again.
Robin: So, he has a trigger, a soul, and a chip?
Giles: Not anymore!
Buffy: It was killing him, Giles!
Robin: The trigger?
Buffy: No, the chip. The trigger's not active anymore.
Robin: Because the military gave him a soul?
[Giles tries to think an adequate response. Buffy glares at Robin, who gestures in surrender.]
Robin: Uh... sorry.
- Andrew relays the plot hook for Willow's appearance on Angel, via a phone call from Winifred Burkle.
Andrew: Uh, Willow? Call for you from L.A...somebody named Fred? Guy sounds kind of effeminate.
Dirty Girls (7x18)
- Andrew's recount of Faith's backstory is mostly accurate...up until the point where she's suddenly fighting SPOCK, complete with the "Amok Time" battle music playing and Spock attempting to use the Vulcan nerve pinch on Faith.
Amanda: What the hell are you talking about? I thought Faith killed a volcanologist.
Andrew: Silly, silly Amanda. Why would Faith kill a person who studies Vulcans?
Amanda: He studied volcanoes. He was a professor...?
Andrew:: Ah, yes. Well, regardless...
- The Chinese potential didn't have a clue what Andrew saying and all she can respond with is "There's a girl doing gymnastics in the backyard". Andrew nods solemnly, thinking she said something completely different.
- Faith's and Spike's meeting, where they discuss going bad, sexual fetishes and Buffy.
Faith:: (referring to the body swap) Shoulda known it wasn't blondy behind the wheel. She'd never throw down like that.
Spike:: Oh you have been away.
Faith:: Don't tell me miss tightly wound is gettin' her naughty on.Faith's confusion after Buffy stops her from killing Spike.Faith: "Are you the bad slayer now? Am I the good slayer now?"
Empty Places (7x19)
- Anya is giving an informative presentation to the potentials in the basement, while Andrew writes the key points on an easel-pad.
Anya: OK... I know you're all upset... and I, myself, would much rather be sitting at the bedside of my one-eyed ex-fiance than killing time here with you people in this over-crowded and might I add increasingly ripe-smelling basement. And I would be, too, if not for a certain awkward discussion he and I recently had right over there on that cot, immediately following some exciting and unexpected breakup sex. (the girls sitting on the cot move to the floor; Andrew writes "breakup sex", then underlines it).
- Caleb confusing The First's 'Buffy' appearance for the real thing, while it finds his failure to kill her as 'embarrassing'.
- Faith recommends kidnapping a Bringer, and Kennedy sarcastically suggests holding it ransom. Xander's response
Xander:Yeah, I'll get the magazines and start ripping out the letters now. "Dear Mr. First, if you want your Bringer back... well, we'll be surprised because you got, like, 3 million of them. So please disregard this letter. Yours sincerely—
- Angel's petulant reaction to the news that Spike has regained his soul.
Angel: That's great. Everyone's got a soul now.
Buffy: He'll make a difference.
Angel: You know, I started it. The whole having a soul. Before it was the cool new thing.
Buffy: Oh. My. God. Are you TWELVE?
- Two words. "Wheelchair fight."
- What do you do the night before the final battle? Play Dungeons & Dragons, of course!
- Also, from that scene, Andrew and his outfit.
- And for all the Homestar Runner fans, the reference to Trogdor the Burninator really sealed the deal.
- Faith and Wood are barricading the school, after they'd slept together and Faith dumps him. When she starts up how men are only interested in her for her body Wood claims he's much more attractive. Faith is shocked and tries to deny his claims, before trying to go at it with him again.
Comics: Season 8
- After Xander is forced to ride Centaurette Dawn (causing her to get soaking wet), this exchange happens:
Xander: How're you feeling?
Centaurette!Dawn: Like I was ridden hard and put away wet.
Xander: AGH! Dawn, that's dis — oh. No. It's just true.
- How about the title of an issue of the Twilight arc. What issue? "Them F#©%ing (Plus the True History of the Universe)", of course!
- Andrew and his videocamera, including:
"I investigate farther. Further. I investigate more."
- From the Season 8 comic, there's this bit - We see Angel putting on the Twilight mask for the first time, with the narration stating that he has to do it so that Buffy won't know that it's him. Cut to Spike, sat at a computer & watching the footage of Twilight's first public appearance as it's being made.
Spike: So that's Angel, then.
- The E-Comic Harmony Comes to the Nation. It's a S8 tie-in. The plot? It's a two page comic showing an interview with Harmony after her show. The interviewer? Stephen Colbert! Oh, and he, in his trademark style, points out her hypocrisy and stupidity.
- In No Future For You Faith is sent undercover to bag a British Slayer who'd gone evil, a story she should be familiar with. Even after being trained she still has a bit of trouble with local slang, which leads to this exchange.
Evil Slayer: Mind if I bum a fag?
Faith: What do I care? You can bum whoever you...oh.
- Earlier in The Long Way Home Buffy is angsting over the things she misses, sex among them. Later she is trapped in a dream state with Ethan Rayne who claims to know all her secrets, before revealing Buffy's fantasy of her in a nurse outfit chained to a naked Angel and a naked Spike.
"No. That's nothing worth...it's just been a slow year."
- The Unreveal of Twilight's identity. "Sorry, itchy neck."
- Everyone piling into Buffy's' bedroom and catching her and Satsu together.
Should I sound the alarm?
I wasn't aware that we *had* an alarm for [Buffy sleeping with a girl]. But yes. Sound it.
- For that matter, Willow tries to gently steer Satsu away from Buffy, fearing they'll get hurt. She then grills her on what Buffy's like in bed.
- Then there's a vampire mentioning that Buffy tastes sweet. Satsu stakes him and replies, "You have no idea." She cringes upon saying it.
- Buffy hits on Xander.
Xander: Hey, that's a big deal! I'm a potential romantic interest! I'm on the list—right after being gay. I rate almost as good as trying to change your sexual orientation. You went—through gay— to me.
- Just the very fact that the villain is named Twilight. Many lines instantly become ten times funnier.
Spike: You wanna put these demons down and end this Twilight crap once and for all?
Comics: Season 9 (including Angel & Faith, Spike: A Dark Place, and Willow Wonderland)
- "Buffy Summers, it is time for you to pay......YOUR STUDENT LOAN!
- "Nobody say a fucking word." Buffy glares at the reader when making this comment, which makes the scene Lampshade Hanging and ever funnier.
- "Oh my God... this is the crappiest ritual dagger I've ever seen."
- The Angel & Faith comic In Perfect Harmony. Just...all of it.
"Y'know, when you started this story I didn't think it was possible for me to care any less. But here we are."
- Angel reminisces about his love for private detectives, how he enjoyed playing one for Angel Investigations, the cliche of a stormy night when a lady requests the detective's help. Well it is a stormy night and a lady requests his help, and when Angel sees that it's Harmony he remembers why he quit being a detective.
- Faith complains that she's meant to be a slut when Spike had slept with everyone except her.
- Harmony shows a sex tape where she sires someone despite Angel repeatedly begging not to. And Faith reasoning they're meant to boost the popularity of celebs with no talent.
- Angel brings Angelus levels of snark.
"Anyone who really hates you...y'know what, never mind."
- When trying to narrow down the list of suspects Faith has a suggestion.
"When all else fails, bust some heads."
- Faith's idea to blackmail Harmony then release the tape.
- A vampire calls Harmony a slag with a fat ass, sending her into a Berserker Rage.
- When asked about the sex tape the vampire who slagged her off turns out to be a huge fan who has all the other videos she made.
- Angel tries to say he didn't realize how famous Harmony was, but the words get stuck in his throat.
- When the idea is made to make a list of people who really hate Harmony Faith calls dibs on top spot.
- Harmony shares advice she got from Charlie Sheen. Faith offers some herself.
"Those are so fake."
- Harmony gets the idea of paying Angel by making him look good, even proposing a sex tape for him, before remembering he'd probably lose his soul. Not that it stops her from continually discussing the idea.
- Harmony getting upset over her image in publicity campaigns.
- Faith referencing Star Wars again.
- Faith offers her opinion on seeing Harmony stripping at a club. Bonus points for looking envious.
- Angel throws out the reward Harmony gives him, the realization that famous people are crazy much more valuable to him.
- Harmony complaining that a magazine cover makes her look 25.
- After Clem confesses he's in love with Harmony, she kisses him but says she can only date tens, as attractive people have that "responsibility", and she continues to treat him like dirt. Then he goes back to being her lapdog.
- Spike's amused when Buffy loses an am to discover not only might she not be pregnant, but she's actually a Buffybot, which leads her to swear again.
Spike... I'm a f&^king robot!
- Daddy Issues was really heavy and we needed something light. We got it with Women of a Certain Age which revolved around Giles' aunts and they're no better than Harmony.
- They invite themselves in and when challenged said how All residents of the country home" are allowed, as per the will. Faith abashedly admits she thought it was referring to horses.
- Angel typically tries to apologize for killing Giles. They brush him off on account of magic but when he tries to claim it was his choice he's told that his hair is much more cause to be sorry for.
- Turns out one of the reasons they are there is because they had made a lot of deals with demons, and now an army of them are looking to collect. At this point Faith asks the aunts if Giles hates them as much as she does.
- After fighting several of them one enters and says he just wants a kiss, chasing after Giles' aunts. When the next demon enters Angel proposes a truce, not wanting to miss the funny scene. The demon readily agrees.
- As a boy Giles wanted to be a fighter pilot, and was constantly playing with a toy plane. After he nearly tears a hole in one of his aunt's minidress they claim they should have called the little blighter Ripper.
- When they're alone Angel thinks Vivian is trying to seduce him. As well as the whole losing his soul issue she freaks him out. When she sees what he thinks she laughs it off and says she would have gotten married if she wanted to shag a corpse. Meanwhile Giles is thought to be Faith's sugar daddy, and denials of this are ignored.
- When the aunts stay one of them rummages through Faith's drawers and says she found earplugs where the Slayer keeps her vibrator. Faith maintains they're stakes, but she alluded to using them as dildos before.
- Before they leave, Angel warns Giles' aunts to be careful,
- In the first Spike issue:
Elizabeth: "I have never seen his majesty like this before."
Sebastian: "He has told us to sod odd before Elizabeth. Just last week, he told Scotty and me to engage in an activity so anatomically impossible that-"
- Also from the same issue: "Tell my wife and larvae I love them."
- Buffy, after suddenly being teleported in the middle of a fight: "What the hell dimension?"
- "Good to see you dropped the Twilight act. I hear the chick who writes the gothic novels is litigous.
- From Live Through This:
Angel: "If I avoided people who want to kill me, I'd never leave the house."
- In Death & Consequences when Spike is called in to help he's about to use a chalice as an ashtray, to the horror of the magic expert that had been helping Angel and Faith, when Angel thinks Buffy dumped Spike. Shit's on. Faith looks like she is in pain and their fight and it takes a crazy with rage Slayer wielding a sword at them to get the pair to stop.
Faith: Okay, I missed an episode. These guys are selling juice that grows back people's arms?
Angel: Not just arms. That was the blood of a Mohra Demon. It can regenerate any organ. Any wound. Even necrotic tissue.
Faith: You saying it could raise the dead? Ain't that kind of a leap?
Angel: I've seen Mohra blood bring a dead body to life. Mine.
Faith: I missed a whole damn season."
- Angel, Faith and Spike. Let's start with the covers, which is either Spike literally Chewing the Scenery and Faith amused, or Angel and Spike literally playing Betty and Veronica and Faith is not amused, nor is she when Spike jokes about the shackles Giles had.
Right. Not Even I am buying that one.
- Faith has to ward off a horny Spike, flatly shooting him down. Anyone else she'd be all for, but not him as she's matured past the bad boy phase.
- As they go to fight the Enders Faith mentions Spike is more like Angel. Spike immediately latches onto the idea of them being gay and is enraged, but his comments only make it worse. After the fight Faith reveals needling him about Angel and Buffy was for motivation, since Spike was concerned about how much of a threat the Enders were. He thinks she only said it to piss him off and fight better:, nope, meant every word.
- Despite being the last person to give advice Faith suggests Spike will get laid when he gets over Buffy. He enthusiastically agrees and claims he's over her, right now.
A stake I think. Stakes are quick. Though walking into sunlight and '''going down in flames''' seems an apt metaphor.
- With Faith keeping Spike at heel he tries hitting on Giles' aunts, who also reject him on account of being too much of a Nice Guy and having a soul.
Harmony: You're out of hot water.
- And to add to his woes he has to watch a crazed Angel. He starts by blaming everything on Angel and using him as a life sized puppet to mock him and because he got a soul Spike went and got one too like a wanker, then blaming Buffy into wanting a good man and when Spike became one thinking he was boring until Angel wakes up and reveals he was listening to Spike whine.
- Spike claims his words were all a ploy to help Angel recover, just like Faith did. Because Spike did help Angel gives him a phone number, whose Faith finds out when she threatens to make Spike eat his jacket if he uses all the hot water.
- Angel got Spike to call his ex, who took Faith's robe. When it's pointed out Harmony promptly takes it off, but Faith no longer wants it. Angel's rather embarrassed about setting them up but it's quickly forgotten when Harmony finds the shackles and calls for Spike, who comes running out the shower as Faith screams for him to put a towel on.
- Faith grills Angel on not bringing Daniel Craig back for her who Buffy had brought up a few times wanting to do,) but he maintains it would be sleazy even though that was perfectly okay for Spike and Harmony. Instead he takes her out for breakfast, hoping the sunlight will get him after having to hear Spike's antics.
- Angel, Faith, and Giles' aunts are able to finally resurrect him. There's just one problem: They stare, and they stare, then he looks in a mirror. Thanks to his aunts they turned him into Harry Potter, they were so vain pictured him as a twelve year old boy. Who stares down Faith's top when she inquires if it's really him, before she notices and looks like she's going to thump him. As Giles puts it...
"Bugger. What have you idiots done?"
- Young!Giles finds Faith for a pep talk and apologizes for staring inappropriately, which she brushes off as him being a hormonal twelve year old, prompting a temper tantrum that he's not before noticing her bemused smile at him acting exactly like a twelve year old. She give him a hug, then...well...he gets a stack of quarters.
I'm a grown man, damn it all! I wear Saville Row clothes and drink Darjeeling tea and appreciate the nuances of Dostoyevsky in the original Russian! I am not some flighty, hormonal child who believes the world revolves around him and throws tantrums when he doesn't get his way! (notices Faith trying not to laugh at the Hypocritical Humor) Um. (beat) That would have sounded better if my voice hadn't cracked.
- Perhaps the best/worst/most embarrassingly hilarious part? Giles simply cannot reconcile the Quintessential British Gentleman he thoroughly enjoyed being with the Hormone-Addled Teenager he has become, and makes repeated rants to that effect... which come off as teenage temper tantrums.
- Young!Giles finds Faith for a pep talk and apologizes for staring inappropriately, which she brushes off as him being a hormonal twelve year old, prompting a temper tantrum that he's not before noticing her bemused smile at him acting exactly like a twelve year old. She give him a hug, then...well...he gets a stack of quarters.
Comics: Season 10 (including Angel & Faith vol. 2)
- The preview for Angel & Faith #4 suggests that Faith is screwing up. Again. As in, "Faith screws up. Must be Tuesday."
- Dracula treats Xander like a spurned lover, and gets pissy when he acts like he can control thunder and lightning only for Xander to tell Dawn he simply knows when it will strike.
- Same comic, Dawn scoffs at the idea of willing things to happen, thinking if it was that easy she would be Black Widow. This leads to the revelation she and Xander dress up in things like Pirates of the Caribbean for sex, much to Buffy's horror.
- Also from Buffy 10 3, Xander is having aged 12! Giles play XBOX, and trying to instruct him on the bad things to do in the game. Never mind that he lets a twelve year old Giles play Grand Theft Auto, he's trying to get him to kill hookers for money.
- Issue 11 has the compulsory Take That jab at Twilight. It's actually pretty funny.
Spike: "But you're not sparkling!" Well, excuse me. I'll shove some pop rocks up me arse.
- Buffy speed-dating in the same issue was also pretty funny.
- Lavinia and Sophie are discussing how women are supposed to keep up appearances and look glamorous. Cut to Faith looking completely hung over. Later when Fred returns they again address this concerned the problem is spreading, with Faith and Fred looking like they had been up all night and in desperate need of sleep, or at least a shower and change of clothes.
Fred: Take me with you.
- Preparing to fight the Big Bad, Dawn is in charge with handing out the arms. Never mind the Bratty Half-Pint being seen as the most mature of them and demanding they behave, Giles tells her not to be ridiculous before the group realizes that each of them have fought each other.
Spike: Just give us the bloody weapons.
You were in?
- Andrew comes up with the idea of using radios to keep in contact, shaped like bananas for...some reason. He brings up to Angel that he's out of the closet. Angel's reply?
Animated Adaptation pilot
- Giles goes from explaining about the apocalypse to despairing about the lack of attention without missing a beat.
"Morgala's exact nature eludes us but we have narrowed it down to not listening to a word I'm saying."
Buffy: No need to get all coronary on us. I'll slay the followers of Morgan Freeman...
- Why oh why was this not made?
- Buffy sees a control panel of some sort which is obviously malfunctioning, electricity shorting out and everything. So she tries to use it anyway, only to be thrown back twenty feet and through a window.
- In ''Buffy the Vampire Slayer: Chaos Bleeds' Faith admits she uses stakes as sex toys. Funny on its own but it pays off big time in the comics.
- "Right. Let's give this a whirl. Oh eternal and all powerful Lord, to whom the darkness itself bows down, from whom flows the damnation of humankind...who writes this dross?"
- Xander remarks on Buffy saying that "maybe now we can start enjoying our evening." He's not even finished lampshading her statement being a cue for the gods of irony when the vampires break into the Bronze.