Funny / Boston Public

Season 1

  • In "Chapter Two," Harvey's Rousing Speech to his female students:
    Harvey: All through history, when men look at women, they want to have sex. Now, God did this on purpose to ensure the survival of the human species. And he also gave women lumps, known as "breasts," to inspire in man the penile urge to procreate. Now, this was very good for mankind, but not for womankind. Now, how could she succeed in this world, and how could she be respected for all her values, when men just want to mount her? Research eventually showed that it was those dangling, bouncing breasts that cause special excitement to the man's blood flow. It was determined that the brassiere could stop this dangling, bouncing motion. The man would be less likely to objectify the woman and she would have a fighting chance at equality. You must harness your bosoms in order to squash the discrimination by the male gonads. This country can never maximize its potential until you can achieve equality. That's why I must make a rule, right here and right now: Wear a bra, for the good of the country.
    • And in response to that speech, the girls take off their bras and hang them on their lockers.
      Guber: What's going on?
      Harry: Lipschitz told the female students to wear bras for the good of the country. Turns out they're all a bunch of Communist sluts.
      Guber: You think this is funny, Mr. Senate?
  • In "Chapter Three," Harvey gives yet another Rousing Speech, this time to the football players about their teammate whom they suspect is gay.
    Harvey: When I was a young boy, there was this baseball player, and the players didn't want him to play because he was different. But when he finally did make it into the game, they found that he could hit and run and catch better than all of them. His name was Jackie Robinson. And he paved the way for the black man to get into the game of baseball, making it a better game. What if it were to turn out that this homosexual could run faster, hit harder, and throw that football straighter? We won't know that. We won't know that unless that first team of courage invites him to join the game. And I would like to think that that team of courage lives right here at Winslow High. Gentlemen, there is nothing more American than football. Be proud. Welcome the gay linebacker into your shower!
    • This:
      Kevin: Think before you speak, Harvey.
      Marla: Then he'd be mute.
    • This exchange:
      Harry: Jamal, what do you want to be when you grow up?
      Jamaal: (smirks) Not a teacher.
      Harry: "Not a teacher." You know, as a teacher, it would be inappropriate for me to tell you that you're a total screw-up. So what I want you to do is go home and ask your father, as a favor to me, to tell you that you're a total screw-up.
    • Harry popping a balloon next to a girl's ear, and the girl snapping awake and yelling "GUN!"
    • This gem from Harvey to Marla:
      Harvey: The kids are already afraid of you because they think you have mental problems. I mean that as a compliment.
  • In "Chapter Four," Harry convinces Juan, a truant student, to come back to school by allowing him to teach in the Dungeon for a day. What topic does Juan decide to teach? "Pre. Mature. Ejacu. Lation." Harry is not pleased; he even gives Juan a Dope Slap later on.
    • Harry posing as an INS agent when Juan's job supervisor interrupts them talking in the restaurant.
    • This exchange between Harry and Juan:
      Juan: These history books don't talk about Puerto Rico. Why is that?
      Harry: 'Cause we have you to talk about it.
  • In "Chapter Five," Harry snarks at Marla, who responds thusly:
    Marla: I have four cheeks, Harry. Pick one and bite it.
  • In "Chapter Seven," Harry is approached to sponsor a student branch of the National Rifle Association and agrees to give a speech for an NRA representative. However, his speech turns out to be so full of delicious snark that the representative storms out of the meeting.
    Harry: Anyone, I suppose, could contribute to a shelter or help the needy, but it takes a true American to dedicate himself to firearms. And you know what? We need people like you. Our country's getting a bad rep just because we kill each other. Well, that's manly—shooting people. United States, this is were men live. Australia—all their stupid bragging about how tough they are in the Outback. They get about...fifteen gun homicides a year. What the hell is that? We get ten thousand. The Japanese are even more pathetic. In 1999, for kids between 15 and 19, they didn't have one handgun murder, not one! We had over five thousand! Our teenagers are tough, but it can't happen unless we get the guns out there into their hands. And for that we need committed, good people like all of you. Look at these idiots in Washington who think it's wrong for teenagers to have assault rifles. And the stupid Democrats think we should have ten-day waiting periods. What happens if you need to kill somebody today? Next thing, the government will try to crack down on incest and we won't be able to breed future NRA members. I mean, we are talking about the toothless illiterates that make this country great. This is America. Get a gun!
  • In "Chapter Nine," the police are searching the school for a student who shot and killed a man, and Guber comes to apprise Harry of the situation, leading to this:
    Harry: Oh, can I go get my gun?
    Guber: (stares at Harry in shock) Mr. Senate, is there anything you do not find humoring?
    Harry: (beat) Your tie.
    • Harvey is ordered to wait inside Guber's office after he assumes that the shooter is black. When Steven finds him there, Harvey tries to convince him that he needs to be in his classroom and that the students don't listen to anything he has to say anyway. Steven just looks at him and goes "Stay here" before walking out.
    • Harry scanning his students with a metal detector that one kid brought with him.
    • Marla accidentally reading aloud a message that there's a shooter on school grounds.
    • Also, Marla taking a student's cell phone and chastising the student's mother about using cell phones, even saying cell phones cause cancer.
  • This exchange from "Chapter Eleven":
    Harvey: Don't sell yourself short, Marla. You've got a lot to offer. If I were forty years younger myself...and blind.
    Marla: Oh, if that's not the pot calling the kettle black.
    Harvey: Why do you have to make everything about race?
  • This bit from "Chapter Fourteen":
    Harvey: Steven, I resign.
    Steven: Why?
    Harvey: I'm a fossil.
    Harry: You're just figuring that out?
    Steven: Harry!
    • Also, Steven and Harry go to check on a teacher believed to have died. They find the man unconscious in a chair and assume the worst...only for the guy to wake up and ask what they want. Both Steven and Harry yell out in fright, but while Harry steps back, Steven remains right where he is and asks the other man, in a fit of exasperation, if he's okay.
  • In "Chapter Fifteen," Louisa asking Guber "Would you like me to make a list of all the people who don't like you?"
  • In "Chapter Sixteen," a student steals footage of girls and Lauren showering in the locker room, and Guber confronts and upbraids the student who ends up peeing on himself.
  • In "Chapter Seventeen," after footage of Lauren showering is posted on Sheryl Holt's website, Guber suspends the student who originally had the footage, leading to this:
    Student: Look, please! If I get suspended, my parents will kill me!
    Guber: Then perhaps this is goodbye as well. Retrieve your books. Be gone in one hour.
  • In "Chapter Eighteen," Harry goes to a strip club to see if Dana Poole is indeed stripping there, and he meets a patron who's wearing an awful disguise.
    Harry: Can we discuss your hair?
    Club Patron: Hey, I'm not ashamed to be bald, for your information. I just wear a disguise when I come to these places.
    Harry: Excellent. I bet in real life your teeth are straight, too.
    • Steven's response to a student's mother (who, in the previous episode, had complained about poisonous fumes on school buses and pointed out that he hadn't really experienced knowing any of the "good" students at Winslow) complaining to him about saying "hi" to her daughter and telling her "Don't do drugs":
      Steven: Hey, I went up to your damn daughter, in part because you accused me of not knowing any of the good kids. [...] Yes, if the consequences are for me to put up with arrogant, indignant mothers who come up with any excuse to come and pick fights with people under the guise of being a concerned parent! Maybe you're the one who's been sniffing bus fumes yourself!
    • Guber suggesting he and Steven go on a cruise after lamenting how things get trying as the school year comes to an end.
    • Guber admitting to Steven that he fired Darren Schofield again after they patched things up:
      Guber: Darren Schofield came by last night.
      Steven: Oh, good.
      Guber: But, uh, things escalated again, and I fired him.
      Steven: (stops Guber) I beg your pardon?
      Guber: He offered an olive branch, Steven, only to swat me with it!
      Steven: You fired him? Again?!
      Guber: (long beat) Yes.
      Steven: (admonishing) Scott...
      Guber: (defensively) I know!
  • In "Chapter Nineteen," Guber approaches Harry to talk to Anthony Ward:
    Guber: Mr. Senate, I need a favor.
    Harry: Is it sexual?
    Guber: Why must you be depraved at every turn, Mr. Senate?
    Harry: It's in my character.
    • After being told about Anthony's hit list, Harry asks if he's on it.
  • In "Chapter Twenty-One," Guber is up for a headmaster position at a private school and he fears Harvey will sabotage his chances of winning.
    Guber: Did you bury me?
    Harvey: Why would I do that, Scott?
    Guber: You buried me.
    Harvey: Scott, I don't get many chances to get you the hell out of Winslow High. I didn't waste the opportunity.
    • After learning Scott didn't get the job, Harvey is seen entering the teacher's lounge, looking sad.

Season 2

  • This nice exchange from "Chapter Twenty-Four":
    Guber: Do you know who Dimitri Schostakovich is?
    Steven: Scott, I've told you. I like basketball; I don't really follow hockey.
  • This, from "Chapter Twenty-Five":
    Guber: Keep your voice down.
    Steven: We're alone.
    Guber: Louisa listens, the little snoop.
    Louisa: I heard that.
  • Danny visiting Debbie at her house in "Chapter Twenty-Nine."
    Danny: You're sick? Huh? You don't look sick to me.
    Debbie: So? You don't look nuts, but we both know better.
  • This exchange from "Chapter Thirty":
    Harvey: It's too cold. I can't teach when I see my own breath.
    Steven: Why, does it look the way it smells?
  • This bit from "Chapter Thirty-Two":
    Marla: He's an institution here. The name "Harvey Lipschultz" is synonymous with "institution."
    Steven: Because he belongs in one.
  • In "Chapter Forty," Harvey finds out he has an African-American son, Lester, and is hesitant to connect with him. Louisa informs Harvey that she's a mulatto (meaning she's half-black), causing Harvey to ask her "You're a cookie?"
  • In the penultimate episode of Season 2, Danny gets punched by an overweight student after he sends letters to parents advising them to monitor their children's foot intake over the summer. Steven even concedes that "He had it coming."
    • In the same episode, Ronnie suggests sex to a gloomy Harry after they had been dealing with Jamal being arrested for his brother's shooting of a convenience store clerk.

Season 3

  • Danny and Marla's fistfight in "Chapter Forty-Seven."
    • It's topped off with Steven's reaction to the whole farce. First, he kvetches at Marla for starting the fight, then at Danny for punching for a woman (to which Danny replies "Not for nothing, but Title IX says we can hit 'em now!"), THEN he lets loose with a marvelous tirade about how teachers are supposed to be role models even when it would be nice to respond violently to disrespect. Steven ends it by yelling at Danny and Marla to get out, which they promptly do.
  • In "Chapter Sixty-Two" (the episode with Verne Troyer), Guber tries to figure out how underachieving students are suddenly passing tests. Halfway through, he's suddenly hit with a realization, rushes out of his office, and heads to a student's locker, all while the Munchkin Song plays. Said song reaches its highest point as Guber opens the locker to find Troyer's character. The look on Guber's face is absolutely hilarious.
    • Before that moment, Guber disguises himself as a rabbi in order to spy on one of the students. He turns around to spot Steven standing there, looking at him.
      Guber: I'm undercover!
      Steven: I can see that.
      Guber: This is a very delicate operation. Go away. I'll explain later.
      (Steven just rolls his eyes and walks off. Danny comes around the corner and pats Guber on the shoulder.)
      Guber: How's it hanging, Scott?
      (Guber looks disappointed his disguise isn't working.)
    • When Marla confronts Guber over his rabbi disguise, Guber defensively insists he was unrecognizable, leading to this line from Marla:
      Marla: Well, maybe if it was someone dressed as you dressed as a silly old rabbi, but everybody's laughing, Scott!
    • Marla then confronts the little man, who proceeds to stomp on her foot. Guber has to restrain Marla from retaliating against the little man while Steven does likewise with the little man.
    • Harvey comes into Guber's office to rant and complain about something when he looks, spots the little man (who had been talking to Guber moments earlier), and jumps in surprise. Harvey and the dwarf take a moment to size each other up before Harvey points at the little man and utters to Guber, "It's a trick."
    • This exchange between Guber and Steven about the little man:
      Guber: The little man's been spotted on school grounds. I've put out an all-points bulletin.
      Steven: How'd he get past security?
      Guber: Went right under them!
  • The Reveal that Zach Fischer became a Buddhist after slugging Dave Fields for kissing Ronnie.
    • Steven ordering Zach to apologize to Fields, even suggesting he pray to God for strength and telling Zach "I'm sure Buddha will forgive you."
      • Before all of that, Steven notes that Zach is breaking fire codes by keeping a Buddhist shrine in the school.
      • And then, when Zach tells him something's against his religion, Steven exasperatedly rejoins with "It was a joke, Zach! Is humor against your religion?"
  • In the penultimate episode of Season 3, Guber gets the idea to teach the Dungeon kids about Shakespeare by using rap. He even briefly takes to using slang which makes him sound absolutely dorky.
    Talent Agent: Do you work with Miss Sudor?
    Guber: Yes, I kick it with Miss Sudor.

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