- Claire in her first episode to Alan:
I know who you are. You are a horny little toad. Toads give me warts. Hop away, horny toad.
- Alan's word salad. Especially funny because the inflection is spot-on—it sounds like he's just swapped all the phonemes in a perfectly legitimate sentence.
Alan Shore: Pillow pants join forces over embargo pylons. You aren't mailing past honor for the liking of a room. These questions are birthday basements. To end the blue radish in the upside of luxury and sparking a good lizard can only make tears fall in hindsight. Puddles do not ask for why not? It is cheese! Breath and wind. It is cheese. [sits down, spent and furious, then nonchalantly looks up] What?
- Alan and Denny's wrestling match over Shirley.
- In the first season, Alan is punched in the face defending Tara from a man who can't take no for an answer. His response? He pays off a bunch of "big people" to start a bar brawl. Watch the madness here.
- WAR! HUH! WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR?!
Malcolm: This is why I went to law school.
- Season 2, Episode 4 was primarily remembered for being the episode that Catherine Piper was tried for murdering a murderer. The sub-plot, however, climaxed with Denny giving a closing argument supporting the Second Amendment. In the span of one closing, Shirley and Denise give at least four Face Palms.
- And before that, Denny enters the courtroom dressed like a Civil War-era soldier, complete with a shotgun. He assures the judge that the gun isn't loaded...only for it to go off, startling everyone.
- Early in the episode, Denny shows Alan the collection of guns he keeps in his office, and holds one he claims his father gave to him. Alan gets nervous and tells Denny to aim the gun anywhere else but at him. Denny tells Alan that the gun isn't loaded, only for it to go off. Twice.
- Alan to an odious, faux-folksy Texas credit card company lawyer:
Alan: You know, we have a little saying in Massachusetts: "Maybe someday you'll get horribly sick and die." Until then!
- Denny trying to get out of a date with Bethany, a Jewish dwarf:
Denny: That's another thing! (taps his head) Mad Cow! 's not kosher!
- And later he and Alan are discussing the date:
Denny: God, I hope she doesn't put a hex on me. Can they do that? Midgets?
Alan: What was she like, otherwise?
Denny: Attractive head, nice breasts, that was basically it. Breasts and a head.
Alan:: How did you leave it?
Denny: I just left. I didn't know what else to do, I just walked out!
Alan: Do you think it's possible she could've...followed you here?
Denny: I don't...think so, why?
(He looks down. Denny looks down. Bethany is standing between them, looking up at him.)
- Bethany managing to sneak up on Denny (or Denny epically failing a spot check) then becomes a Running Gag, with Bethany managing to sneak up on him at times and in locations where he really should have seen her before managing to put his foot in his mouth.
- A woman Denny recently had sex with says that something is "better than sex," prompting Denny to freak out:
Denny: [taps his head with remote] Mad Cow. It hasn't progressed in my brain, but there are other symptoms. Be it blood pressure...it affects me.
Alan: [concerned] Affects you how?
[Denny gives Alan a thoughtful look, stands up, puts his hands on his desk, and leans forward]
Denny: I think I have Mad Penis.
[Alan slowly looks down toward Denny's crotch as the opening titles begin]
- Jerry singing along to the theme song, complete with clips of him dancing and Shirley's absolutely bewildered reaction interspersed with the actual credits.
- "A man's home is where his heart is. In my case, the penis." Thus spake Denny.
- Whenever there is press in the court, Denny Crane always gives the media his name and a borrowed slogan.
Denny Crane. Fair and balanced.
Denny Crane. My poop doesn't smell.
Denny Crane. My puffs are the most cheesy.
Denny Crane. Ten cents a dance.
- The new Chinese overlord of Crane, Poole & Schmidt enjoying a cigar and glass of whiskey with a friend in the finale.