The reason Axton became a Vault Hunter in the first place.
Axton's Wife: You used the dignitary you were assigned with guarding as bait to draw in the enemy forces, then blew up the building with the dignitary still inside. Axton: C'mon, that was awesome! You can't tell me that wasn't awesome.
Good!Krieg: Say thank you. Krieg: NIPPLE SALAD! Good!Krieg: ...Close enough.
Not to mention his revivals...
Krieg: You don't die today! YOU DIE EVERY DAY! Krieg: I will murder your death! Krieg: (In an extremely creepy tone)Looove youu... Krieg: (using Redeem The Soul) I WILL MURDER YOUR DEATH! Krieg: (Triggering Light The Fuse) EXPLOSIONS OF LIFE!
Other gems include "I'M NOT REVOLTING" for Vladof Revolution and "LEG STRIPE YEEEAH" for Hyperion Honor. Also, "WHO SAID OCTOPUS" for Torque.
Jakobs Old-Fashioned: "MY LEFT BOOB SAYS "OBS"", referring to the Jakobs logo he gets tattooed across his chest.
In "A Meat Bicycle Built for Two," Krieg's first contact with Maya involves him becoming totally smitten with her, and this exhange with himself:
Good!Krieg: She's a Vault Hunter. A Siren warrior who can kill me with her brain. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. Tell her she's as beautiful as a thousand sunsets. Tell her you need her help, tell her to rescue you and care for you, and whatever you do, ''do not scream the word "poop" at the top of your lungs''! (Beat) Krieg: (Flipping the Bird and waving his buzz axe around) I'M THE CONDUCTOR OF THE POOP TRAIN! Good!Krieg: It's over, idiot. You're gonna die here and now, and your last words will have been "poop train."
Even funnier is Maya's sheer "WTF?" reaction to that line.
The same video gives us this gem later on:
Krieg: (Approaching a Rat) I'M GONNA PUT MY PAIN INTO YOUR SOUL! Rat': (Whimpers, trembles, and passes out; Krieg promptly ignores him)
And of course, Krieg being a psycho, his dialogue is chock full of hidden gems.
Krieg: BEEP BEEP! Krieg: Thank you for riding the Psycho Express, Tooh-tooh! All aboard, I'll be collecting your tickets, we have beverages in the DINING CAR!!! Krieg: INSURANCE FRAUD! Krieg: BAD SONG FROM A HORRIBLE AWARD-WINNING MOVIE!
In a brilliant reference to Maya's vehicle seat switching quotes.
Krieg: I stickied up the seat for ya!
One of Maya's lines when she's switching seats in a vehicle:
Salvador: They were bandits! They tried to kill mi abuela! Judge: Yes, yes, yes - you have attempted to convince your fellow villagers of this many times. Anything ELSE to say regarding the murder of these men? Salvador: Uhh... it was fun?
Salvador has a few funny things to say while Gunzerking, but one of them is simply, "ONE-LINERRRRRR!"
"AHAHAHAHAH! TIME TO OVERRRRRCOMPENSAAAAAAAATTTTTTTE!"
Shorty's got a few good lines for running people over in a car, or crashing into another player's car.
"HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT PANCAKE BOY!?"
(Distressed) "MY INSURANCE PREMIUM!"
Zer0 is absolutely hilarious with his haikus.
Zer0(after scoring a critical hit and killing an enemy): Assassinated. / What a satisfying word. / With five syllables! Zer0(after being lit on fire): I feel the burning/ Eating through my equipment/ Must stop, drop, and roll. Zer0 (if idle for too long): Bore-ed, bore-ed, bored, / bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored, bored. / I am really bored. Zer0 (finding a rare weapon): Maybe I'll use you / To blow a midget's head off. / Or maybe I won't Zer0 (critical kill):Sorry, did that hurt? / That "sorry" was sarcasm / I am not sorry.
Previous Vault Hunters
If you look at Lilith's surveillance screens inside the Lair of the Firehawk after rescuing her, you will see a Blue Screen Of Death. It says:
"So...hate to be the bearer of bad news, but your computer is pretty hacked. Maybe if you'd downloaded less of that illegal Trackcam porn, your machine wouldn't be all jacked up. You should probably be embarrassed. If this is the first time you're seeing this, that's only because no one else has caught you yet. Tell you what's gonna happen here...you're gonna put a new graphics card in me and scrap that gunk off my keyboard, and then maybe your search history won't accidentally be mailed to your grandma - you pickin' up what I'm laying down?"
Lilith's reunion with Roland:
Lilith: So how'd those bandits nab you? Roland: Uh... I was taking a leak and one of them knocked me out. Lilith:Wow. You're a dumbass. Roland: Uh... I, uh... Yeah. Total dumbass.
Lilith: "If you get killed, I'm going to be really pissed." Roland: "Noted." Lilith: "If you live, I'm tearing those clothes right off your body." Roland: "Also... also noted." Mordecai: "Eughh - Lilith, we're standing right here. Nobody wants to hear that." Brick:"Go on..."
A sentence said by Brick:
Brick: Now that you've got the laxative, it's time to find some explosives. *Pause* That may be my favorite sentence I've ever said!
"City's burning, people are dying left and right, yada yada yada. This jackhole rushes me with a spoon. A FRICKIN' SPOON! And I'm dying laughing, right? So I scoop his stupid little eyeballs out with it and his kids are all like WAAHHHH! And he's runnin' into stuff and... hahaha! And, oh... I don't know, maybe you had to be there. Anyway, the moral is you're a total bitch."
This is later referenced by someone in Sanctuary, who occasionally says:
"What's the raddest piece of loot you ever found? Mine's a spoon I pulled out of my dad's eye after Jack killed him with it."
Handsome Jack alleviates his workers' concerns over ecological damage.
Jack: Do you know what they called this place? The Badlands. It was a dry dusty pisshole where dreams came to die. Look at it now. You've got pipes, you've got high-tech machinery—god-damn volcanoes. Who doesn't love volcanoes? I mean, they're mountains that shoot fire! That is literally the definition of the word awesome, am I right?
If, on the rare occasion, you find yourself fighting say 2-3 bandits, throw a grenade near them while they are in cover and you have this gem:
"Hey! Is that a grenade?"
Throwing one at a goliath may result in this:
Goliaths will also sometimes misunderstand the act of Axton dropping his turret.
(helpfully) "Sir! You drop gun!"
Tagging a bandit with a Sticky Grenade:
Bandit: Aw, crap.
Nomad: Oh godDAMN it.
Many of the things that the Bandits in general say are completely ridiculous.
"WELCOME TO DIE!" "Pluto is not a planet!" "I SMELL DELICIOUS!" - Rat burning to death "I regret nothing!" "I regret everything!" - Various dying bandits "Death gurrrrgle!" "YOLO!" - Suicide Psycho "I CAN'T WAIT TO TAKE YOUR PICTURE!" "LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M STARING AT YOU!" "I wonder, if I plant you in the ground, will you grow taller?" "I'm gonna make hammocks out of your eyelids!" "My momma's gonna be so mad!" "Yer gonna be my new Meat Bicycle!" *sobbing* "Midge make no final words!" "The meat puppets flock to the slaughter, like children to an ice cream truck!" (after you kill one of his buddies) "WHATSYOURNAME! NOOOOOOO!!" "I WANT MY HIT POINTS BACK!" *crying* "Don't scavenge my stuff!" - Nomads, usually after threatening you to drop your own loot. "No, YOU take a time-out!" - dying Psychos "I'm gonna wear your face like a condom!" "I made you a salad - out of words!" "You can't kill me, I'm already dead tomorrow!" "This is prison! And we're the guys in the shower! "I made finger pizza just for you!" "SEEEEEMEEEEEEEEENNNN!!" "I need another head for my merry-go-round!" "They told me to bring a pail lunch... you look pale enough to me!"
Psychos will rarely recite Hamlet's "Too Solid Flesh" soliloquy (Act I Scene II lines 129-158) in its entirety if you don't interrupt them. If one of them says it during the mission in which you have to rescue Corporal Reiss, you can easily stand back while the Psychos are beating him and listen to it in its entirety. Hearing a Psycho quote The Bard in his Psycho-ish voice is funny as hell. Hearing him do it while beating a man to death just makes it that much funnier.
And Rakkman's audio log might just trump all of them for pure insanity. Bear in mind, Rakkman was called insane by his peers... which were other bandits.
Captain Flynt's recorded messages - in particular, one in which he's torturing some poor bandit.
Flynt: At the sound of Heaton screaming for his life, it will be two thirty. Heaton: WHY?! OH GOD, WHHHYYYYY?! Flynt:[cheerfully] See you again at two thirty-five!
Captain Flynt also mentions his relation to Baron Flynt; both of them are brothers. He also mentions another noteworthy fact: those are not titles, his first name is actually Captain and his brother's name is Baron.
Captain Flynt: Our parents were douchebags.
There are two midget variations on regular enemies that are hilarious:
Midget Nomads in the second playthrough. Yes, they hate midgets too.
Midget Goliaths. It's very hard to take them seriously when they sound like they do, even while enraged.
Goliath-type enemies can be exploited to utterly obliterate their bandit friends, and chase you across the entire map of where you find them, as long as you stay in their sights. This typically leads to a gigantic Body Horror maniac being treated like an adorable 8-foot puppy that squishes your enemies!
Also, their names will grow longer and longer every time they defeat a former ally, eventually becoming a GOD-Liath.
Much more amusing if you get the Giant Midget of Death
Virtually everything that Mal comes out with.
Mal: I can't wait to get a mortgage! Mal: I can't wait to become human! I'll take showers and tip waiters and get bruises and fold bed sheets and disappoint my loved ones and eat tacos!
Announcer If you are part of experiment group A, stay away from the wild creature cages. If you are part of experiment group B, move closer. Announcer This is a reminder to all employees: please do not injure the animals until you are on break. Announcer Remember engineers - through your efforts here, you are creating a safer, kinder Pandora. Through torture. Announcer Creature fighting rings are only allowed on special occasions. Such as Birthday Parties or Tuesdays. Handsome Jack This is Handsome Jack, thanking you loyal test subject for helping bring Pandora into the future. The experiments you'll be put through will help us uncover new uses for Eridium, new cures for medicine and- Seriously? *chuckles* Why are you having me read this crap? This is freaking hilarious. They know we're gonna mutate the hell out of em, why lie to em? *static* Loader Greeter Thank you for open quotes volunteering closed quotes as a test subject at Hyperion Preserve. Do not attempt to leave the grounds. Loader Greeter Attention open quote volunteers closed quotes: following your experiments you receive a open quotes gift closed quotes. The gift is open quotes freedom closed quotes. Loader Greeter Volunteers are reminded to maintain a distance of twenty meters from the animal holding cells. Ignore this warning if you are in the open quotes human bait closed quotes testing group. Loader Greeter Do NOT touch the eridium vats unless you have alerted a Hyperion technician first - Preferably one with a camera. Loader Greeter While waiting to be experimented upon, consider the majesty of the creatures surrounding you. Do NOT consider the fact that, barring any major accidents in the next few minutes, they will likely outlive you. Loader Greeter If you hear screaming coming from the research labs, stop listening so hard.
Claptrap giving his opinion on a Sanctuary resident's look and style:
Claptrap: Intimidating, but slightly arousing! I like it!
Crazy Earl says a lot of funny things when you shop from him:
WELCOME TO THE BLACK MARKET! Hehe... don't tell you friends.
Who told you about this place?! I'LL KILL 'EM!
Holy shit! Someone actually paid for that!
Outta my face! OUTTA MY FACE!
Where are you, Skrappy?! Skrappy?! *sobs* note In the first game, Skrappy was a skag Crazy Earl owned until you had to kill it. He doesn't know it's dead.
The above montage leaves out one of the best exchanges in the entire mission:
Tiny Tina: That's right, bitches! My big brudder's come to teach you some manners! NOBODY STEALS MUSHY SNUGGLEBITES' BADONKADONK AND LIVES! Bandit: (Beat) WHO THE HELL IS MUSHY SNUGGLEBITES?!
The whole point of hiring Tiny Tina (yes, there's a point) is to hijack a train:
Tina: Awwrite counting down! Ten! Nine! [Missiles prematurely launch and take out the train.] Tina:I got bored.
"Please excuse Madame Von Bartlesby's disposition. She's Welsh." (She's actually a legendary badass Varkid. And more likely Scottish.)
Near the end of the game, right before the big showdown with Jack, Tina chimes in over the ECHO while you're in Sanctuary.
Tina: Sup, sucka? It's Tina. I wrote you a poem and it goes a little somethin' like this break it down! Kill Jack. Kill Jack. Kill Jack. Kill Jack. Kill Jack. KIIIIIIIIIILLLL JAAAAAAACCCCKKKK! Kill Jack. A poem by Tiny Tina.
If you tip Moxxi enough money at her bar, she'll eventually pull a gun from her cleavage and give her to you as a reward. She says it's her favorite gun. It's called Miss Moxxi's Good Touch, and when you're holding it, it vibrates.
This crosses over to Real Life if you are playing the game with a controller...
In the Arid Nexus, you can find ECHO recordings of before Zed went to Sanctuary. Some are pretty dark (such as Zed calling about how Blake showed him some "obviously faked" pictures of New Haven burning, which can't possibly be real because the Vault Hunters were protecting the place), but there's humor in there too.
Zed: Roland, I've made my decision. Thanks for the offer, but I'm not moving to Sanctuary. I'm staying right here, in Fyrestone. I was born here, and if I'm going to die, it's going to be right here, in Fyresto— Hyperion Bot:Attention, citizen of Fyrestone. Die. Zed: Aw, piss. [gunfire] Zed:[shouting to be heard over the gunfire] On second thought Roland, how soon can you pick me up?
Moxxi still has some hilarious lines.
Moxxi: [on the subject of Jack planning to rebuild her Underdrome in his image] But it still won't have the flair, the pizazz... and his tits aren't as nice. Moxxi: Hell, I'm all wet. I mean... I spilled a drink. Before you came in. Not because you tipped me. Good god, I'm not that easy. Moxxi:[discussing the subject of Mordecai and Bloodwing] Just because he was too busy plucking his bird instead of plucking my... my...GOD DAMMIT I'm so angry I can't even think of a sexy innuendo!
If you tip her, you may hear her slip into a redneck accent like her two kids before reacting in horror at the realisation. It is strange and at the same time hilarious.
In Sawtooth Cauldron, you can find ECHO logs detailing how Zer0 was recruited. When Angel is asked questions about his background, all she can say is "...I'unno." The kicker is how she says it. Normally Angel is very articulate and clear, even when startled or worried. But when she says "I dunno." she just jumbles the words together, which just makes it funnier.
One ECHO mentions that Tannis ate a strand of Lilith's hair. She even comments on what it tasted like. Lilith, it was noted, did not approve.
Female NPC: Please to excuse the manner of speaking of which is coming out of my face mouth to say you. Female NPC: Do you know where is Moxxi underboob palacio?
When you get your first gun:
When you're fighting a skyscraper-sized enemy with a gun that shoots lightning, you're going to think back to this moment and be like "heh."
Even funnier if you do remember this one when fighting Saturn
When fighting Knuckle Dragger, some of his minions emerge:
Claptrap: Oh, god! They're coming out of the wall-sphincters!
After you beat Boom-Bewm during "Best Minion Ever", Robot Buddy Claptrap has you climb onto the Big Bertha cannon to blow open a huge gate. He then proceeds to stand next to the gate and shout at you not to fire until he's clear of the gate and he gives you the signal. For quite a while, even "testing" you a few times. He never actually moves away from the gate, so your only option is to blow open the gate while Claptrap's standing next to it.
Don't forget immediately prior, after killing Boom-Bewm, whose dialogue consists of "BOOM BOOM! AHAHAHAH!", he says "They sure said boom a lot!".
When you reach the Soaring Dragon Claptrap give this gem:
Claptrap: So... I might have tried to stage a mutiny before the flash-freeze. Which would explain why his men are currently beating the crap out of me, right guys? Bandit: SHUT UP!! Claptrap:[cheerfully] Okay!
When you get closer he tries to stop them by asking to talk things over. Only to give them an adequate reason to keep doing so.
Claptrap: (mimicking a bandit) "But you're a machine and incapable of feeling pain. So beating you doesn't make you feel pain and makes us feel better!" (beat) On second thought... you guys have the moral high ground here. Pummel away!
Meeting up with Lilith early in the storyline has this knee-slapper, in which the character attempts to send you over to a bandit hide out...you don't get very far, though.
Lilith: ...I only sent you, like, 10 feet, didn't I? Sorry about that. Still getting used to this.
When defending the beacon in Overlook and it gets destroyed a certain number of times, someone chimes in on it:
After you survive an initiation put up by The Slab King, AKA Brick, A Bandit named "Sarcastic Slab" appears and makes sarcastic comments while clapping for you. If you kill him, The Slab King will commend you for it.
Roland gives you a note to deliver to the Slab King. It actually has a message on it: "I.O.U. One world saved. -B"
In order to get into Control Core Angel, you need to get past a door that will only open for Handsome Jack, so you do a quest to get a voice synthesizer so that you can sound like him. Until you do the next quest, your character will sound like Jack for all their one-liners. Salvador even keeps his accent, and may sometimes even say a one-liner that goes something like "So that's what Jack would sound like if he had my accent."
And when the character puts the voice mod on, they quickly feel ashamed for sounding like such a Jack-ass.
Salvador will sometimes scream out "Hey, everybody! I'm a jackass!" when going into Fight for Your Life with Jack's voice.
When you start the mission "Where Angels Fear To Tread," you go to find Claptrap because you need his help for the mission.
Roland: FYI, it may take some serious convincing to get Claptrap to head to Thousand Cuts. Claptrap: Minion! Let's go to Thousand Cuts! Roland: ... Or not.
Very close to the end of the game, you meet up with Claptrap to finally kill Handsome Jack. Claptrap has some... choice words for the megalomaniac.
Claptrap: This is it, minion! Our vengeance is at hand! LETS TEAR THIS PLANET A NEW ***HOLE! YAAAAAAGH! (charges toward the door) Hyperion's gonna regret ever setting foot on Pandora! Minion, I'm gonna get that door open so I can take care of that handsome bastard myself. You hear me, Jack?! You killed my friends! You destroyed my product line! I am the last Claptrap in existence, AND I AM GOING TO TEABAG YOUR CORPSE! (Hyperion bots show up) AAH! Minion, draw their fire with your face while I cloak my way over to the door controls!
Claptrap attempts to open the door.
Claptrap: Aaaaand OPEN! Female AI: Access Denied. Claptrap: What?! I said "Aaaaand OPEN!" not "Aaaaand close a secondary set of doors."
Midway through the subsequent battle of the bots, Shielded Turrets will spring out after Claptrap tries to sweet talk the Female Voice AI into opening up the door. The following exchange takes place:
Claptrap: I got an idea! I'm hacking the turrets so they fight for us! Female AI: Access denied. Claptrap: Come on baby, don't be like that...GIMME! THOSE! TURRETS! Female AI: Access...granted. Claptrap: HOLY *** THAT ACTUALLY WORKED!!! The turrets are fighting for us now! I actually did something!
When Claptrap finally opens the door, he discovers Jack's most devious defensive measure ever: stairs.
Claptrap: Dammit, Jack! How did you know that stairs were my only weakness! Next to electrocution, and explosions, and gunfire, rust, corrosion, being kicked a lot, viruses, being called bad names, falling from great heights, drowning, adult onset diabetes, being looked at funny, heart attacks, exposure to oxygen, being turned down by women, and pet allergins! Your brilliance is matched only by your malevolence!
What sells it is the animation. Usually the dialogue would be independent of what they're actually doing and characters would cycle through a series of generic idle animations while they talked. Claptrap will actually fall limp as he sees the stairs, making it even more hilarious.
Eventually, Claptrap decides to cloak so that the Vault hunters wont hear him crying. Upon cloaking, his crying is both heard in the open and broadcast across the ECHOnet.
While actually doing 'Symbiosis' and fighting Midge-Mong:
Hammerlock: Ah — what an unlikely symbiotic relationship — two deadly creatures cooperating to survive this harsh environment! Also, the midget looks like a little human backpack, and that’s funny.
The mission "Do No Harm", in which the player has to assist Dr. Zed with some surgery on a captured Hyperion agent:
Zed: Alright: make a small incision just below his sternum, but be careful - we don't want to nick the coronary artery. [Player "performs surgery" - with a melee attack - messily killing the patient and extracting an Eridium Shard in a shower of gore] Zed: ...close enough.
Becomes much funnier if you do so as Salvador (who "performs surgery" with his fists) or Gaige (who uses a hammer).
After completing the mission:
Zed: God as my witness, one day I will find a usable spleen.
Claptrap's five, ridiculously complicated/near-impossible, objectives that you supposedly must complete to unlock his Secret Stash. The fact that, while he says them, it actually appears like object missions:
Collect 139,377 brown rocks Defeat Ug-Thak, Lord of Skags Pilfer lost staff of Mount Schuler Defeat Destroyer of Worlds Dance, dance, baby Find stash
In the end, you don't do any of those quests, you just step back a little, incidentally knocking over the piece of debris that was concealing the stash.
The end of the first timed mission, "Neither Rain Nor Sleet Nor Skags", has this gem:
Lance Scapelli: Now that's what I wanted to see! Unfortunately, you're fired, because Dino's made a full recovery! Dino:[distressed] I haven't recovered, you just duct taped my legs to these pogo sticks— Lance Scapelli: Fit as a fiddle, he is!
Some of the bandits have started worshipping Lilith as a god, and she's trying very hard not to be impressed.
Lilith: I've gotta admit, these guys are weird, but watching them kill that false god for me was kinda flattering! Oh, I'm a bad person...
That entire quest chain, really.
Quest Info: You've pleased Incinerator Clayton (which is good) by committing brutal violence (which is bad) against a group of people who only find happiness in immolation-related death (which is kind of a grey area).
The Name Game quest, where Hammerlock tries to come up with a better name for the ape-like bullymongs. First his publisher rejects "Primal Beast", then he tries calling them "Ferovores":
Hammerlock:Bloody balls, Ferovore is trademarked! Rrgh, sod it! I'm so sick of coming up with names for it! Y'know what? Bonerfart; all of them, that's right, we're calling them Bonerfarts now; just kill a few of them or something, I don't care anymore.
And the game updates all prompts and references to the creatures to "Bonerfarts" for the rest of the quest!
This also changes the Monglet (young bullymong) enemies into Bonertoots.
Given that bonertoots is an Inherently Funny Word... Yeah, better not be drinking anything while doing this quest.
Doctor Zed during the Medical Mystery missions: "After watching you waste those bandits with that E-Tech weapon, I have come to a medically sound conclusion: E-Tech is friggin' dope!"
The mission "Out of Body Experience". An AI core wants to turn itself around and stop killing people and asks you to find it a new body. However, it still has the urge to kill no matter which robot you stick it in, so it eventually asks you to stick it in the radio in Moxxi's bar. It can't shoot anyone in a radio, so all's well, right? Wrong- it then tries to kill everyone in the bar with bad music. After that, it just resigns to its killing ways and asks you to stick it in a shield or a gun. The best part is that it still speaks to you whenever you have it equipped!
If you had it as a gun, the gun's description is "I like being a gun."
In Mighty Morphin sidequest Hammerlock asks the player to force some varkids (insect things) to mutate so he can study them. When said varkid mutate into a new form Hammerlock's reaction is less than pleased.
The entirety of the climax of "You Are Cordially Invited". The hardest part of the mission is shooting straight because you're laughing so hard at the dissonance between mowing down waves of angry bandits and Tina's tea party dialogue.
Claptrap: Good job - with their furnaces gone, the bandits will be way too cold to kill anybody! Bandit: Who turned off our furnaces?! KILL 'EM! Claptrap: Ah, crap.
The best part is the fact that the bandits are wearing fur hats as they try to kill you, but the Psychos are still shirtless!
In the Highlands you meet a woman named Karima who is possibly one of the nicest people you ever meet on Pandora. She sends you out on some missions to help the town of Overlook protect themselves from the Hyperion Corporation who have set up shop on the other side of the valley, and whenever she talks to you she gets interrupted by a guy named Dave who constantly berates her with sexist remarks and innuendo which she just takes in stride. For her last mission, she sends you to the Hyperion base so you can use a mortar to test out Overlook's new shield. Then, this happens:
Karima: Now, fire the cannon! Dave: Karima, don't feel bad Jack fed your husband into the grinder. Hell! I'll bed ya if ya ask nicely! AHAHAHAHAHA-AAAAAARRRGHH (the mortar crashes into Dave's house sending it tumbling into the valley below) Karima: Now, let's try that with the shield on.
Let us not forget that "Karima" is one letter away from "Karma".
"You know what my favorite thing about Dave is? He's dead!"
Made more funny when you do it on Gaige with 400 stacks of Anarchy. It may... take you a couple triesnote At that point she has -700% accuracy. So yes, a pointblank shot aimed at his face can miss.
The best part is probably when he decides to stop yelling at you and politely asks why you haven't shot him in the face yet.
Face Mc Shooty: I notice you haven't shot me in the face yet. Curious as to why. Maybe you're weighing the moral pros and cons but let me assure you that— OH GOD! SHOOT ME IN THE GODDAMNED FACE! WHAT'RE YOU WAITING FOR!?
And then when you finally shoot him, he somehow manages to blurt out "THANK YOU!" before expiring.
This gem from the "Hell Hath No Fury" mission, in which Moxxi sends the player on a quest to destroy Jack's currently under-construction Underdome:
Jack: Ol' balloon-tits is still holding a grudge against me, huh? I mean, don't get me wrong, I get it - once you've eaten prime rib for free, it's hard to go back to suckin' down hamburgers for cash. If you know what I'm talking about. Do you know what I'm talking about? [beat] Jack:Dicks! I'm talkin' about dicks.
Scooter: I like you a whole lot/More than that bandit liked spoonin' that ro-bot./You are a diamond in the rough/or a flower surrounded by shrapnel and stuff./I will hang myself from my own tombstone/if within you I cannot put my bone.
The mission "The Great Escape". A goliath named Ulysses wants you to help him get off Pandora, by recovering a lunar beacon and setting it up for him, which proceeds normally. Once you complete and turn in the mission, however, the post-mission sequence has Ulysses activating the beacon, and screaming in triumph... as the moon base fires a large crate through him. Technically, he did leave Pandora.
Dr. Zed has a quest line where he creates horrible abominations of nature. The first two parts involve gathering up critter parts for him for reason he doesn't tell you. The third involves said abominations of nature getting loose and you having to kill them. It's Zeds reaction to this that makes it great.
Zed: Y'know, if you think about it, this is really your fault.
Captain Scarlett and Her Pirate's Booty
The blatant parody of censorship in "I Know It When I See It."
Generic pirate NPCs among Captain Scarlett's crew have some amusing lines, but one idle line in particular stands out:
Pirate: I miss my kids. Wait, no, I don't.
Then there's this gem from another pirate:
Pirate: I wonder how my sister's doing. Still dead, probably.
Scarlett's cook Mercer is an incredibly cold-hearted bastard. He claims that the number one killer of sand pirates is self-inflicted gunshot wounds, and when one occurs on his watch he's quick to say "Suck it up!" in a dismissive tone.
Mercer: Don't worry about Murray. He'll be fine. Until he finds out I'M the one who killed his parents. But they were dicks, so, whatever.
After you kill Sandman, Captain Scarlett chimes in on your ECHO and says she's at once disappointed that she didn't do him in herself, and happy that she was able to take the time to relax and read the latest issue of Crimefighter Frog.
Just about everything that comes out of Torgue's mouth in his DLC could end up on this page.
"KILL THOSE BANDITS WITH BULLETS SO THEY AREN'T KILLED BY POISON BEER!"
(After turning in that same mission) "WHY DID I THINK THAT WAS A GOOD IDEA?"
"THIS MISSION REMINDS ME OF MY DAD! ALCOHOLISM DESTROYS FAMILIES!
"WILL THE VAULT HUNTER'S EXPERIENCE BEAT OUT FLY BOY'S YOUTHFUL ARROGANCE AND NEW AGE SLANG? ALMOST CERTAINLY! BUT I'M GOING TO ACT OTHERWISE IN ORDER TO MAINTAIN DRAMATIC TENSION!"
"IF YOU'RE STILL ALIVE, GRAB SOME AMMO! IF YOU'RE NOT, THEN THIS STATEMENT IS IRRELEVANT!"
"LOTTA PEOPLE BEEN ASKING WHY MY VOICE BEEPS ALL THE F*CKING TIME. THE TORGUE STOCKHOLDERS WIRED MY VOICEBOX WITH A DIGITAL CENSOR SO I CAN'T SAY STUFF LIKE SH*T, C*CK, P*SSY-F*CKIN' D*CKBALLS. THAT'S LIKE HALF MY F*CKING VOCABULARY! IT'S GODDAMN BULLSH*T!
"HEY! I SEE A LOT OF YOU JUST STANDING AROUND NOT BLOWING STUFF UP! QUIT IT!"
"AT THE SOUND OF THE EXPLOSION, IT WILL BE TORGUE O'CLOCK! *explosion sound Torgue makes with his mouth*
(After visiting a Torgue Vending Machine) "THANKS FOR VIEWING OUR WARES, YOU BADASS MOTHERF*CKER!"
(when Tiny Tina demands the Vault Hunters destroy the raisin cookie food dispensaries) "HOLY SKAGSUCK—SOMEONE'S BLOWING UP THE FOOD DISPENSARIES! IN A FEW MONTHS, ALL THE WORKERS WILL PROBABLY STARVE TO DEATH!...THAT IS AWESOME!"
(In response to Mad Moxxi suggesting she should be allowed to remain on commentary because she's better at the "blow-by-blow") I CAN USE INNUENDO, TOO! TONIGHT'S FIGHT IS BETWEEN FLYBOY AND THE VAULT HUNTER! ... BLOWJOBS!
HOW THE F*CK AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT ILLEGAL OFFWORLD DEATHMATCHES ARE ILLEGAL?!
WHAT THE F*CK IS A REF?!
THAT SENTENCE HAD TOO MANY SYLLABLES! APOLOGIZE!
Any time Torgue "plays you a sick guitar solo." MEEDLEYMEEDLEYMEEDLEYMEEDLEYMEEEEEEEOW!
His vending machines are awesome, too.
Torgue: (after buying something in the vending machine) NOW GO PUNCH SOME BAD GUYS IN THE DICK!!! Torgue: TORGUE! EXPLOSIONS! EXPLOSIONS? TORGUE!!! Torgue: NOW GO BLOW SOME SH*T UP!!! Torgue: THANKS FOR BROWSING OUR WARES, YOU BADASS MOTHERF*CKER!!! Torgue: CONGRATULATIONS, YOU ARE NOT A PUSSY! NOW YOU'RE A BADASS!!! Torgue: THAT'S THE BEST PURCHASE YOU EVER GODDAMN MADE!!! Torgue: KEEP BUYING, MOTHERF*CKER, YOU HAVE MADE ME PROUD!!! Torgue: TORGUE GUNS MAKE THINGS EXPLODE! ....END OF SALES PITCH!
During the mission in Campaign Of Carnage where you have to recover Moxxi's interview tapes, one of them has Tiny Tina suddenly barge in on the interview, taking charge of the show and interview Mr. Torgue, who answers her question like it really is her show, and then she ends it before skipping off. Moxxi, who had been trying to shoo Tiny away and get things back on track, makes this hilarious.
Moxxi: So did you actually want to ask me the question or...? Mr. Torgue: Tina said GOOD NIGHT Moxxi! SHOW'S OVER! Moxxi:Motherf*cker!
Speaking of Tiny Tina, in the DLC, she has you doing a side mission that has you walking her new dog. By dog, she means a Badass fire skag. By walk, it means you have to RUN LIKE HELL. On the third and fourth objective when you pass the areas, it is OHCRAPITSRIGHTBEHINDME and ICANFEELITSBREATHONMYNECK.
Sir Hammerlock's Big Game Hunt
The trailers for Sir Hammerlock's Big Game feature lots of glinting teeth... even from Zer0.
Professor Nakayama attempts to terrify you by revealing his reputation. Hammerlock counters by pointing out that they don't know him, and that Remember the New Guy is in full effect.
Hammerlock: I've been hearing some strange radio chatter on the other side of Scylia Grove. Go there, stop whatever diabolical plan this Nakayama has in motion, and save the planet. (sighs)Again.
Nakayama's Villainous Breakdown as you keep screwing up his plan and killing his men and monsters. Hammerlock tries to encourage him to act like a suave, in-control mastermind, but Nakayama is too busy freaking out and fearing for his life like any normal person would in his shoes.
Nakayama: Luckily, I still have one last gene sample here at the ship, so the only way to put a stop to my plans is to come here and kill me! (beat)WHY DID I TELL YOU THAT!?
When you find the savages worshiping their idol. If you've been paying attention to the leaked info, you already know who it is: Nope! Not Jack.
Hammerlock: Oh bloody hell. Claptrap: Minion! Who told you I was vacationing out here?
Nakayama's audio logs have some gems:
Nakayama: I AM THE SMARTEST MAN ALIVE! I am going to clone Jack using a fearsome beast, then I'm going to use that beast to kill the Vault Hunters! The Terminus is about to touch down in Aegrus and—
Terminus AI: Alert! Auto-pilot disengaged. Nakayama: Are we crashing? WHY ARE WE CRASHING?! Claptrap: My bad!
The ending of the Big Game Hunt story When you confront Nakayama after killing Jackenstein, it looks like it's going to be a standard boss fight (you see the health bar on top of the screen and everything), only for Nakayama to fall down a flight of stairs and die. Then you get to loot his lab.
After all, the final mission of the DLC is called " The Fall of Nakayama".
After you kill a certain number of the rare enemies, he calls back.
Thirstblood: Hey, have you considered not fighting my bandit brothers, and just letting us kill you and loot your corpse? Anyway, think it over.
The Yellow Jacket, a gun from Sir Hammerlock's Big Game Hunt, is not yellow. Gearbox had this to say:
"Now, you may notice that the gun isn't – how to put this – yellow. The reason for this is simple: the Hyperion designer who designed the weapon was violently colorblind. Worry not, though – after Hyperion management noticed this mistake, the designer was fired. Out of a cannon. Into a moon."
Tiny Tina's Assault on Dragon Keep
Brick showing his... feminine side in the new "Bunkers and Badasses" trailer.
Tina Tina: So you got your Mechromancer, your Siren.... Brick: Siren. Dibs. My Sirens name is "Brick" and she is the prettiest.
Also, Brick's befuddled lack of understanding regarding the rules.
Brick: I punch the initiative.
When Mordecai asks why they are playing a kids game:
Tina: Well, you know maybe because... SHUT THE HELL UP, MORDY! Lilith: Tina! She's right though, shut up.
At the beginning of the DLC, you're sailing on a boat toward Flamerock Refuge. It's a lovely day, until Lilith points out that Tina mentioned that the Handsome Sorcerer ruined everything. It changes to eternal night, you hear spooky music, and the whole place begins to smell like "butts and dead people". Made better by the fact the character you're playing will comment that the place smells like butts and dead people.
Krieg: SMELLS LIKE HOME!
And then if you die fighting the first boss:
New-U Station: You smell kind of like butts, and dead people.
Also at the beginning of the DLC, Tina throws a Hopeless Boss Fight at you from square one. When Lilith objects to this, Tina makes up a new boss on the spot. A skeleton named "Mister Boney Pants Guy".
Skeleton: I am Mister Boney Pants Guy! Tina: That better? Brick: This pleases me.
Mr Torgue calling Tiny Tina in the middle of the game, and immediately demands to be put in. Tina obliges. That's right, folks: MISTER TORGUE IS BACK!!!
Mr Torgue: WOO! FANTASY WORLD!!! So I'm a gatekeeper, huh? In that case, you gotta prove your badassitude to get past me. First task: blow up the village's scouting blimps with a fire weapon. Because — REASONS!!! Mr Torgue: Their blimps are too far away for your guns. IT'S LIKE A PUZZLE!!! Mr Torgue: I just realized that this is the first time that we have met in person. YOU ARE VERY ATTRACTIVE!!!note Bonus Funny if you happen to be wearing Handsome Jack's face mask at the time. Mr Torgue: NEW MISSION!!! I WANT YOU TO BLOW UP THE OCEAN!!!
He also asks you to chase down someone who insulted Moxxi, and punch him so hard that he explodes.
And if you kill him with your melee attack? He does explode.
Lilith: Was there a point to any of these quests? Brick:[matter of fact] I'm having fun.
After Mister Torgue gives you the first couple of quests, Tina agrees with Lilith that he's being a bit obnoxious, and uses her Bunker Master powers to drop him in the village stocks. He stays that way for the rest of the campaign. He's remarkably cheerful about it, though.
The Fake Geek Guy sidequest is filled with this and Lilith and Torgue's Hidden Depths.
Mr. Torgue: WHAT, I CAN'T LIKE GEEK STUFF JUST CAUSE I LIKE TO TAKE CARE OF MY BODY?! DISCRIMINATIOOOOOON!!!
A little bit about Lilith's past:
Lilith: Look. When I was a kid, boys mocked me for two reasons: my tattoos and Bunkers and Badasses. I suffered for my geekiness. You don't get to invade my culture just because it's cool now. Mr. Torgue: HOLY SKAGSUCK! REPRESSED ANGER MUCH?
After you get the last question, Torgue fails to give an answer. When accused that he's not a real geek, he breaks down with this gem.
Mr. Torgue: WHY CAN'T I BE A PART OF YOUR GAME! I'M JUST INTERESTED IN FANTASY AND SCI-FI AND UNICORNS AND S***! [Inelegant Blubbering] Lilith: Oh, wow, I...I kinda feel like a dick. Tina: Meeetooooo.
Also, Mr. Torgue's response to a certain weapon:
Mr. Torgue: THAT GUN FIRES EXPLODING SWORDS! I DID NOT KNOW THE MEANING OF HAPPINESS UNTIL THIS MOMENT!
Brick's reaction is great as well.
Brick: THIS IS THE GREATEST GAME EVER!
The crumpets quest, which involves Lilith realizing that Tina has literally been eating nothing but crumpets for the past few years:
Lilith: You haven't seriously been living on just crumpets for the past few years, have you? Tina: I...do not understand the question.
Lilith offers Tina a salad:
Lilith: I brought some lunch, maybe you could— Tina: OH, GOD, WHAT IS THAT?! Lilith: What? It's a salad— Tina: WHY IS IT GREEN?! IT LOOKS LIKE THE DEVIL!! Lilith: Just calm down— Tina: It's starring at me!
Then Brick and Mordecai holding Tina down while Lilith force feeds her the salad.
Mordecai: Careful you don't let her bite you too hard, Brick. If she gets a taste for blood, we're gonna have problems.
When Tina complains that the salad was tasty (and only adults find salads tasty), Lilith brings up the fact there's no such thing as adulthood as she's one of the three adults playing a kid's game.
Tina: I...you know what, girl, you make a good point. You get to live. For now.
Later on you fight a Brainwashed and Crazy dwarf with a golden golem for a suit of armor. If you manage to break his mind control he'll thank you and start to give you the last MacGuffin you need... before realizing you're the one who killed his king and attacking you anyway.
Lilith: Damn it, Brick! Brick: I said I was sorry!
Marcus: [narrating] And they'd remember that no matter how bad things got, they were never truly alone so long as they had each other. Claptrap: I love you guys. Everyone: Ugh. [they all start complaining about Claptrap] Marcus: And then Claptrap said something stupid and ruined everything.
An unintentional funny moment from the ending: Bloodwing gets a bigger memorial statue than Roland. Well... Consider the fact that Bloodwing was as big as Wilhelm before her death.
The vault Hunters reach the Forest of Tranquility. Brick finds the name boring. So Tiny Tina changes it.
You discovered: THE FOREST OF BEING EATEN ALIVE BY TREES
When you find Angel in the dungeon, Brick once again wins the chance to talk to her. He suggests punching her. Mordecai is able to talk him down, and you unchain her. Then she turns into a drider and tries to kill you.
There's an entire sidequest where you have to smack around "Prince Jeffery". The best part is that the more you slap him, the funnier the stuff he says as he breaks down from an arrogant douchebag to a sobbing wreck.
Just getting the quest is hilarious, because Roland is the guy who gives it to you. He even tells you that your mission is to "slap the bastard out of Jeffery".
And then the kicker of Downton Abbey references for those who don't watch the above.
The identity of the Queen. I dare not put it even in spoilers, the reveal is beyond words.
Especially since the entire time it seemed pretty obvious that Tina would make herself the queen of her own game, but nope.
The crowner has to be Brick's reaction when he sees her. That he sounds about as happy as a schoolgirl as he says it seals the deal.
A Running Gag is Tiny Tina giving Lilith various nicknames. Lilly of the Valley, Free Lilly, etc.
When you first meet Ellie, Lilith says that she will talk to her in character, and then clears her throat to do so. Whichever character talks to her in-game will say a line of dialogue, implying that's who Lilith's character is, meaning that theoretically, she could be playing as Krieg.
Krieg: I'LL CRACK YOUR MIND AND BEAT YOUR PROBLEMS TO DEATH!
If you talk to her as Gaige, then Gaige will speak in character (ie. "Good morrow, milady..."), meaning Lilith is playing a character playing a character. Yo dawg.
Once you've killed the Ghost Kings, Roland dubs you a knight of "justice and cupcakes and stuff."
If you talk to Roland outside of a mission, one of his random lines is:
Look, I'ma be straight with you — I don't have a clue what you are or if you can read or if you're, like, a robot who just eats paper to survive so you maybe won't even bother reading this message before jamming it into your throat-hole, but I wanted to let ya know that I'm havin' a shindig and I wanted my favorite man/lady/alien/paper-hungry roboto/whateva Zer0 at the proceedins. We're gonna play Bunkers & Badassess! (game mastered by yours truly, thankyouverymuch) and I thought you might wanna join us. But if you eat the character sheets I will cut you deep. Love youuuuu -Tina
Good morrow, milady! If you ain't busy tryin to get Krieg to stop starin at you I thought you could come down and roll some dice. The new edition of Bunker & Badasses is out and I made a module that is if not off the chizzo, most definitionly chizzo-adjacent. I made this gift to get you ready for the party and i hope you love it.
Hey Supafly Meat Boy, I'm throwing a party and you're invited. It's going to be off the Chain. And cause i kinda dig ya, I made a thingy for you that you should definitely bring to my sick-ass Bunkers & Badassess party! We're gonna punch some imaginary orcs inn the face! Or, to put it in words you understand,
MEAT MEAT MEAT MEAT BLOOD MEAT CAKE. Oh, and bring snacks. love you bye, -Tina
Aaaaalso I may have designed all my dwarves to look kinda like you so don't be angry kaayyy love youuuu, -Tina
The "MMORPGFPS" sidequest. Especially anything 420_E-SPORTS_MASTA yells.
The quest "My Dead Brother". Simon the necromancer curses you, forcing you to find his brother's body just to make sure he's dead. Simon is a heartless asshole, and his brother Edgar is a stupid jock; they're both pretty hysterical characters
Simon (as you look for Edgar's corpse): C'mon, Edgar, where are you? See, this is why you never get drunk before a murder. I definitely burned his house down, but I can't remember if I locked him inside first. Gaahhh, so irritating.
After you find the body and Edgar is resurrected, you have the option of siding with him and killing Simon.
Edgar: Fraticide is the best-icide!
Murderlin's tendency of emphasizing words... AT RANDOOOOOM!!
Ultimate Vault Hunter Pack 2: Digistruct Peak
Patricia Tannis makes regular comments as players progress through Digistruct Peak, including some very meta ones regarding gear or enemies as well as her usual weirdness and Comedic Sociopathy.
Tannis: [when opening a chest] If the chests give only white shields, blame Schrodinger and his zombie cat. Tannis: [when Scorch appears] The Children of the Firehawk had Scorch killed for being a heathen. Being a god, however, he naturally respawned. Tannis: [when the Black Queen appears] The Black Queen is not actually a queen, as spiderants have no formal system of government. I discovered this when I infiltrated them and attempted to run for Prime Minister. Tannis: [when smashing a Handsome Jack cardboard cutout] Hmm! Seeing you smash that Jack cutout filled me with a joy I normally only reserve for children falling down and hurting themselves.
The Launch Trailer for Borderlands 2 includes several gems:
"87 Bazillion guns just got bazilliondier!"
"Even more skillsnote For the payment of larger bills.
Claptrap's dubstep dance, and the subsequent message - "96.5% more WUB WUB."
Randy Pitchford went on to say in an interview that the above line was true as there was no WUB WUB in the first one.
The in-game radio advertisements give us these gems:
Aaaaaand RESPAWN! The only thing worse than respawning is not respawning. R-r-r-r-respawn! Rise from your grave! If some idiot claims that life is meaningless without death, Hyperion recommends killing them. Do not worry about the afterlife, valued Hyperion customer. Hell is reserved exclusively for pedophiles and people who buy Jakobs munitions. Permanent death? Shmermanent... shmeath... The Hyperion corporation would like to clarify that the bright light you saw was our DigiStruct technology, and not a higher power. Not higher than Hyperion, anyway. The Hyperion corporation suggests: Live! LIIIIIIIIVVVVVVVVE! Between you and us, that thing that killed you is a total dick. Please disregard this message if you committed suicide. Don't think of your death as failure, think of it as fun! Don't think of Hyperion's respawn charges as war profiteering, think of them as war... fun! Hyperion recommends swearing vengeance on the thing that killed you, unless it was an inanimate object such as a cliff. Hyperion recommends taking a few deep breaths before swearing vengeance on whatever killed you. Hyperion is sure that wasn't your fault. Hyperion would like to take this opportunity to say: cha-ching! The Hyperion corporation assures you that any spawn-campers will be permanently banned from this plane of existence.
The vending machines will sometimes crack jokes, both when you open one up, and after you close it. And often in Large Ham fashion.
"Two words my friend: No refunds." "Catch-a-guuuunnnn! Guh! I'm never saying that again." "Who needs a medical license when you've got style!" "It's dangerous to go alone, jerkwad!" "Don't tell your friends!" -Crazy earl, a joke to one of Marcus quotes when you leave a vendor "Goodbye friend! If you shop anywhere else, I'll have you killed."
The names of the Bandit-brand guns all have hilariously poor spelling and grammar.
The Catch-A-Ride terminals again.
"All the ladies say Scooter is the fastest ride in town! CATCH A RIII—aw, I just realized that's an insult." "My cars might not get you there alive, but they'll get you there!" "You know, technically, my cars are the safest on Pandora." "Hey, if you ain't a stickler for seatbelts, airbags, or engines that don't go BEWM iff'n you push 'em too hard, y'come to the right place!" "Heh. Hey, y'all! Welcome to the new and improved Catch-A-Ride! Now with 47% more than 26% deaths annually! That is down from last year, hold your applause!"
The secret "What does it mean?" trophy/achievement. Going to a certain area in the Highlands will prompt a brief appearance of a double rainbow... as well as an absolutely hilarious transmission from either Jack or Claptrap.
The old Borderlands tradition of hilariously named weapons returns. One contender for "Funniest weapon name" is the Hyperion "Bitch" sub-machinegun, returning from that position in the first game, which can result in the names: "Analytical Bitch," "Proactive Bitch," "Social Bitch," "Rightsizing Bitch," "Corporate Bitch," "Cutting Edge Bitch."
Torgue is no slouch either in that department-say it with me, "Lumpy Bangstick."
Tediore produces a Legendary shotgun called the Deliverance. Being a Tediore weapon, it's thrown when you need to reload it. What truly makes this weapon legendary in every respect is what happens thereafter. The gun will, through no apparent means, begin flying in the direction of the nearest enemy and firing the remaining shells in its magazine, before it explodes on impact with its target.
Tediore rocket launchers. With every Tediore gun, you simply toss the empty gun and it explodes, right? With Tediore rocket launchers, the launcher itself shoots off like a rocket when you need to reload!
The Mr. Torgue AMA mentioned above is pretty much pure hilarity. One of the highlights is a redditor posting a Shakespearean sonnet and asking Mister Torgue how it "deals with the relationship between time and love and explosions." Torgue replies with an edited sonnet of his own:
My mistress' eyes are nothing like AN EXPLOSION
EXPLOSIONS ARE far more red than her lips' red;
If snow be white, why then her breasts are NOT EXPLOSIONS BUT STILL PRETTY GREAT
If hairs be DYNAMITE wires, black wires grow on her head.
I have seen roses damask'd, red and white, WHAT DOES DAMASK’D MEAN
But no such EXPLOSIONS see I in her cheeks;
And in some EXPLOSIVES is there more delight
Than in the EXPLOSIONS that from my mistress reeks.
I love to hear her EXPLODE, yet well I know
That EXPLOSIONS hath a far more pleasing sound;
I grant I never saw a EXPLOSION go;
My mistress, when she walks, EXPLODES on the ground:
And yet, by heaven, I think my love as rare
As any she belied with false EXPLOSIONS
Sometimes certain quotes can happen after a very specific one, and hilarity WILL ENSUE
Field Rat: AAAAHHH!!! AHHHH!!! I TASSSSSSTE DELICIOUSSSSSSSSSS!!!!
Krieg: *entering Buzz Axe Rampage* WHO WANTS THE FIRST SLICE?!