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Funny: Blade

Blade

  • Blade is transporting Karen after she had been bitten by Quinn, and as he is leaving, he is shot repeatedly by two hospital security guards, leading to this quip:
    Blade [after being shot]: Motherfucker! Are you out of your damn mind?
  • One of Whistler's lines:
    Whistler: I'm too old for this! Somebody get me a goddamn wheelchair!
  • In the climax as Blade prepare to fight Frost. Quinn, one of Frost's dragons and who has at the beginning got his arm slice off, shows up
    Quinn: I got two arms now Blade and I don't know which one to kill you with! (He charges...and is unceremoniously bisected into dust.)
  • Frost admires Blade's sword and wants to demo it, so he orders Quinn to hold out his arm. Quinn is scared shitless, as he has already lost limbs to Blade's sword, as he dutifully does so and pleads with Frost not to do it. Frost holds the sword to Quinn's arm...then puts it away and deadpans, "Just kidding."
    Quinn (laughing with relief): HE WAS JUST FUCKING WITH ME!
  • When Blade slices Frost, the baddie's newfound powers reattaches his torso back to his body before it hits the ground and makes him good as new, eliciting Blade to silently mouth "What the fuck?"

Blade II

  • This timeless gem:
    Reinhardt: Hmm. Well, like my daddy said right before he killed my mom, "Want anything done right, you gotta do it yourself."
  • Rush, the minor vampire from the beginning of the movie. Blade lets him go and promises to "catch (him) later". He disappears until The Stinger, where he's entering a private room in a strip joint; the curtain pulls back to reveal Blade casually standing there. As Rush realizes how screwed he is, Blade says the line that cracks me up every time:
    • This same vampire sees Blade in the House of Pain and freaks out.
  • Earlier in the movie, Blade and the Bloodpack are scouting a vampire nightclub. Reinhardt tries to discretely aim his gun at Blade... only to find out that Blade's aiming at him already. Cue Blade's immediate grin (and an annoyed Reinhardt mouthing "Fuck you" back at him).
  • One word: "Sissy!"
  • In a deleted scene, Whistler says to the rest of the team (out of Blade's earshot):
    Whistler: Never underestimate the power of the pussy, boys. One cunt hair off that thing can drag a freight train a mile uphill.
  • A short dialogue between Whistler and Chupa:
    Whistler: Better get you some sunscreen, Buttercup.
    Chupa: Listen, shit kicker. You're about one cunt hair away from hillbilly heaven.
    Whistler: I love it when you talk dirty.
  • When Blade is recruited by the Bloodpack, he laughs about the irony to Reinhardt's face and challenges him to kill him since that was their plan to begin with. When Reinhardt just stands there, Blade gives him motivation by twirling a silver stake in front of Reinhardt then slapping him across the face. Reinhardt still seethes quietly, so Blade quips that he must've not seen it, so he twirls the stake then slaps him with his other hand again.
  • After Blade blows up Scud:
    Whistler (shocked): I was just starting to like him.

Blade Trinity

  • Ryan Reynolds as Hannibal King.
    • Particularly any of his scenes with Parker Posey. "Her fangs are in her vagina!"
    • Parker stole the Crowning Moment right out from under Reynolds with "And how about everyone not saying the word "dick" anymore? It provokes my envy."
    • "What did the one Lesbian Vampire say to the other? See you in 28 days."
    • Don't forget King's time with Blade, Triple H, and H's vampire dog.
    Blade: How do you finance this operation?
    King: I date a lot of older men.

    King: (Sees H's dog - a vampire Pomeranian) Oh fuck me. (Two big scary dogs join it) Oh fuck me sideways. Nice doggies. (Dogs reveal reaper mouths and chase him.)

    HHH: Hey dickface, have you seen my dog?
    King: (Who just made the dog and the two others fall out a window after they tried to eat him) Have you tried the lobby?

    King: So Blade, if this works, and all the Vampires go bye-bye, whats left for you? I don't really see you teaching karate at the local gym. (Blade looks annoyed and walks away unamused.) He hates me doesn't he?
  • When Blade is interrogating the police commissioner on the vampires' plans:
    Commissioner: I can't tell you, they'll kill me.
    Blade: They'll kill you? Motherfucker, I'll kill you! I'll just enjoy it better.
  • This one scene where Blade, Hannibal and Abigail are dangling a familiar off of a multi-story car park, when someone's cellphone goes off. Blade looks around to his teammates, then down at the guy he's dangling.
    Blade: Oh, it's you!
  • When being interrogated:
    Dr. Edgar Vance: How about the president? You know who that is. Who's in the White House right now?
    Blade: An asshole.
    (This handily avoids dating the movie, since regardless of who's in office, someone will believe them to be an asshole).

Blade: The Anime

  • Wolverine thinks Blade and Makoto are an item and teases them, which they vehemently deny.
    Wolverine: I'm just saying, you might want to figure this relationship out.
    Blade: Don't make me stab you!

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