Funny: Biloxi Blues

  • Toomey's first speech to his men.
    Tommey: (to the platoon) My name is Toomey. Sergeant Merwin J. Toomey. I'll be in charge of this platoon during your ten weeks of basic training here in beautiful Biloxi, Mississippi. After which, you'll be sent to some shit island in the middle of some turd pile in Northern Sicily. In either case, returning to your mamas and papas with your balls intact is highly improbable. I speak from experience, having served seventeen months in the North African campaign, where seventy-three percent of my comrades are buried. Having donated a small portion of my brains to this conflict, the other portion being protected by a heavy steel plate in my head. (knocks his own head and chuckles)
  • Toomey excuses Epstein from the hike, only to then say this gem:
    Toomey: (to Epstein) You get a good night's sleep...just as soon as you've washed, scrubbed and shined every john, urinal and basin in the latrine. And if it doesn't sparkle when we get back, Wykowski and Selridge are gonna do two-hundred push-ups! That'll put you in good with the boys, Epstein.
  • The hiking scene in the swamp:
    Toomey: Oh God, you are PITIFUL! You are EMBARASSING me! In front of the lizards and the buzzards! A bunch of lard-asses I got here. What would you do if the Japanese Army was behind ya?!
    Jerome: Surrender and get some sleep.
    • "Selridge, you would need three promotions to get to be an asshole."
    • When they stop by the river, Toomey calls on Jerome to pick someone to see if the river's too deep to cross. Jerome groans in dismay and asks why him. Toomey's reply?
    Toomey: (to Jerome) Because you're the shithead who said "Let's surrender so I can get some sleep!" I hear everything, everyone, Jerome! Pick a volunteer!
  • The part where Toomey orders Epstein to fix Eugene's gun and tosses it at him without asking Epstein to first put down his own gun, causing Epstein to drop his gun so he can catch Eugene's gun. The result? Epstein's gun hits the ground, goes off and puts out a tire on Toomey's jeep.
    Toomey: Deep shit, Epstein.
  • After two soldiers are caught in a sex act in the latrine, Toomey ends his speech to his platoon with this:
    Toomey: The moral of the story is...when you're really horny, you should do to yourself what you would do unto others.