Funny / Batman Returns

  • "Saved by kitty litter."
  • "I was their number-one son, and they treated me like number two."
  • After Penguin's hijacked-Batmobile plan fails.
    • Penguin screaming because he lost control of the Batmobile, then Batman breaks the screen.
    • The whole "hijacked Batmobile" scene in general can be quite hilarious. Come on, the Penguin's controlling it by way of "driving" a mini-Batmobile, like the kind of back-and-forth kiddie ride you'd see in arcades.
      • Especially once the Penguin starts violently shaking the thing backwards and forwards like an infuriated child. This in turn causes the van to start rocking around; to people seeing it on the street, it looks like the Penguin's having a real good time in there with someone...
    • The Bat Emblem-shaped steering wheel is icing on the cake.
  • After his Engineered Public Confession later:
    • During said confession, we have DJ Bruce Wayne "scratching" the CD containing Penguin's rants.
  • In the middle of the intense climax, this moment occurs:
    Schreck: Selina! Selina Kyle! You're fired. (to unmasked Batman) Bruce Wayne? Why are you dressed up like Batman?
    Catwoman: Because he is Batman, you moron.
    • Followed by Schreck's Deadpan reply, "Was." as he aims his gun and shoots Batman.
    • During the same scene: Schreck staring at his gun in utter disbelief after his fourth bullet fails to kill Selina.
  • "Don't hurt us, lady! Our take-home is only $300!"
    Catwoman: (To security officers) "You're overpaid, hit the road."
    Catwoman: "Meow."
    Department Store: *BOOM*
  • When Selina is trying to explain to Alfred that her leaving abruptly is not a sign of rejection towards Bruce, she stumbles over what she wants him to relay to Bruce and instead asks Alfred if he could come up with a sonnet or a dirty limerick on her behalf. Without missing a beat, Alfred kindly responds with an amused smile that "one just came to mind".
  • Catwoman: (on the ground) How could you? I'm a woman.
    Batman: I'm sorry, I-I...
    Catwoman: (Slasher Smile) As I was saying, I'm a woman and can't be taken for granted. Life's a bitch, now so am I.
    • Later, they meet again:
    Batman: Eat floor...
    (Tosses Catwoman to the ground)
    Batman: High fiber.
  • Penguin using an umbrella with a spiral design on top:
    Max: Is that supposed to hypnotize me?
    Penguin: No, just give you a splitting headache.
    Max: It's not working.
    * BANG!*
    Penguin: You big baby. Just blanks.
  • An orchestrated version of "Super Freak" is played during the first half of the party scene. It was supposed to be "U Can't Touch This", but Rick James sued MC Hammer for copyright infringement (the suit was settled out of court, however, when Hammer agreed to credit James as co-composer, effectively cutting James in on the millions of dollars the record was earning).
  • As the make Penguin mayor operation starts to take form, Penguin is approached by some image consultants, including this joker (no pun intended)...
    Josh: Not a lot of reflective surfaces down in the sewer, huh?
    *Josh chuckles, followed by Penguin joining in rather hammily*
    Penguin: Still, it could be worse! My nose could be gushing blood.
    *they continue to share a laugh*
    Josh: Your nose could be... what do you mean by th—
    • And then, right after that, Schreck turns to the room and says, "Let's MAKE a MAYOR!", giving the double V for Victory sign at the end of it.
  • One of the reasons Schreck (played by Christopher Walken, mind you) gives to Cobblepot as to why he should run for mayor is "unlimited poontang." Cue a cartoonish "ding" noise followed by Cobblepot readily agreeing to go along with Schreck's plan.
    • Shortly after that, with the mayoral campaign in full swing, Penguin gets the opportunity to pin an "Oswald for Mayor" button on the chest of a starry-eyed, buxom Copplepot supporter; Penguin looks like he needs a cold shower afterwards.
    Penguin: "I could really get into this mayor stuff! It's about reaching out to people! Touching people! Groping people!"
  • After Batman gets control of the Batmobile back from the Penguin, the car is heading toward a narrow alley. Trying to get away from the cops pursuing him, Batman taps the button to change the 'Mobile into the Bat-Missile. Nothing happens; "That's funny." He taps it again a few times, to no avail, and the alley getting closer; "Okay, now I'm a little worried!" Finally he PUNCHES all of the buttons, which does the job at the last minute.
  • Penguin's arrival at Max's party.
    Penguin: Right now, my troops are fanning out across town, for your children! Yes, for your first-born sons! The ones you left helpless, at home, so you could dress up like jerks, get juiced, and dance... badly.
    • With the emphasis put on that last word, it's almost Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking.
    • As Shreck was being taken, he tries to pet a penguin, only for it to squawk at him.
  • Shreck pleading for his life before Catwoman's wrath.
    Shreck: I don't know what you want, but I know I can get it for you, with a minimum of fuss.
    [Catwoman's whip cracks]
    Shreck: Money...jewels...a very big ball of string.
  • A very subtle one occurs in the climax. After Batman narrowly dodges some torpedoes, he glances back with a look on his face that says "Did I seriously almost get killed by missile-launching penguins?".
  • A nice little Getting Crap Past the Radar moment with Bruce and Selina as they're dancing at the party:
    Bruce: So, no hard feelings, I hope?
    Selina [gasping as she leans into Bruce]: Actually... semi-hard, I'd say.
  • When Bruce is investigating the Penguin, Alfred gives this zinger:
    Alfred: Must you be the only lonely man-beast in town?
  • After Selina trashes her apartment, the "HELLO THERE" sign subsequently says "HELL HERE".
    • Before that, when she arrives at her apartment, this non-sequitur dialogue.
    Selina: "Honey, i'm home.....oh that's right, i'm not married."